Pete Versus Life (2010) s02e05 Episode Script

Welcome, and you join us with Pete on his way back from the doctor's, where he's had some stitches taken out of his leg.
Yeah, he lost his keys, tried to climb through a window, slipped and fell off the porch into the glass recycling.
We hear a lot about the benefits of recycling but not about the other side of the coin.
Young men falling into boxes of glass bottles when they're drunk.
Hear, hear.
Monty! 'Ooh, a loose cat.
' Monty! 'And Pete's thinking about crisps.
' Monty! 'Oh, no! Ooh!' I'm so sorry.
It came out of nowhere! No, that's OK.
Was that your cat? Yeah.
I, I didn't see where he went.
I think he went past me into the bushes.
He's gone to ground probably.
Oh, I'm sure he's all right.
I only clipped him.
Oh, yeah.
No, I'm sure.
Monty! Monty! Monty! He might be over here.
OK, I'll have a look.
I'm Pete, by the way.
I'm Mel.
Hello, Mel.
Hey.
Monty.
Oh, look! It's a gonk.
Oh, yeah.
Is this yours? No.
D'you mind if I have it? No, fine.
Have you seen Monty? Oh, sorry, no.
Monty! While they're looking for Monty, let's take a look at Mel.
She's from a military background, and her father once saved Captain James Blunt's life.
Maybe he's a bit cross with me for hitting him with my car.
It's Gary I'm worried about.
Is Gary your boyfriend? No, no, he's my dog.
Oh, yeah.
All right? Ooh, something's wrong with Pete's car.
' Well, it's the cat, isn't it, Colin? Yeah, I'd say that moggy is stuck to the wheel.
Good job Mel's out of eyesight.
No-one wants to see their cat rolled out like a black furry pizza base.
Aye, no nine lives for that little fellow.
In fairness, we don't know how many lives he'd already got through.
Oh, Gary must have followed him.
Looks like he's got Pete's number.
Get out of it! 'What a macabre task.
Pete's noticed Monty's missing a leg.
' 'Well, he won't need it where he's going!' 'Which I believe is the canal.
' Can you imagine? Our own Jake, a hero! There he is.
All right, Jake? Well, come on then! Where is it? Yes, Jake's been at the Institute of Geographical Studies where he received this year's Captain Oates award for arctic bravery.
Yeah, a big story at the time.
Jake spent six days on a piece of ice no bigger than a badminton court, Colin.
I don't think he had a game! But for a short time, he did become something of a national hero.
D'you know, I think the reason your story has struck such a chord with the vegetarian community in particular, is the fact that to survive, you had to kill and eat a penguin! Yeah, there's almost nothing harder for a vegetarian.
That fifth day, the day I did it, was dreadful.
Fifth day? Didn't hold out very long, did you? What do you mean? I'm just saying.
Humans can go weeks without food, so if you had more self-discipline that penguin might still be alive.
Well, you weren't there, mate.
Yes, but I think I know how I'd have behaved.
You'd have had that penguin right down your gullet! But I'm not a vegetarian, am I? If there'd been tofu there, I'd have lasted longer than 5 days.
Not really the same moral dilemma, is it? It is if you're a carnivore, cos tofu is bloody horrible.
So, what does penguin taste like? I don't really want to talk about it.
Of course.
Does it taste like chicken? More like duck.
Mmm, that sounds nice.
Come here.
Sorry, guys.
Some people want to talk to me about a book deal.
Book deal? What's book deal? Oh, she's one of several agents that are chasing him.
Bloody hell, it makes me sick! He doesn't even have to try! I wish that once, something terrible would happen to Jake.
Don't say that, Pete! I really do.
Oh, hi! Hello! How are you? Er, Monty's still AWOL.
Oh, yeah.
I know.
I'm afraid I've got some bad news.
I was driving about a mile away from here, and I found Monty.
He'd been hit by a car.
Different one, cos it was about a mile away from here.
Brought you back his body.
Er, thanks.
Some closure, you know? 'Ooh, nice touch.
' I'd better bury him.
Would you dig the grave while I make the other arrangements? I'd love to.
'Now, Mel lowers the body of Monty into the grave wrapped in an almost clean Union Jack tea towel.
' 'Far more appropriate than the black bin bag Pete brought it over in.
' 'Gary watching on in respectful silence.
'Let's have a few facts about Gary.
' Gary's taking Monty's death badly.
Unusual for a dog and a cat to be such close friends but they found enough common ground in the dislike of birds to make the relationship work.
Oh, lovely.
Excuse me.
Who's that? That's my brother, Tom.
He's got problems just now.
Oh, yeah? Anyway, d'you think you could say a few words? 'Oh, he wasn't expecting that.
' Please.
'If only he'd remember that poem from Four Weddings.
' 'Or has he got something?' You really were a top cat.
The indisputable leader of the gang.
♪ You're the top, you're the tip, you're a championship ♪ ♪ You're the most tip top, Da, da, da, da.
♪ ♪ Top cat.
♪ That was lovely.
Amen.
Would you mind? Mm, yeah.
No! Ow-w! You didn't even know him! You knew nothing about him! He's a cat! And I felt like I knew him.
Is it? Should we, er? No, no.
It's best we leave him alone for the moment.
OK.
Are you OK? I had to hold it together.
For him.
Mm.
He wouldn't have wanted tears.
He'd have found it a chore to deal with.
It's like you did actually know him.
Is it? Do you fancy going out some time? 'Is this appropriate over Monty's grave?' 'Oh, I don't know.
Cats are always up for it.
' Wow.
You are looking very handsome.
What? I read it in Cosmopolitan.
Men always undermine one another.
We should support and compliment each other.
Some people find curly hair attractive.
D'you want something? To see if you were OK.
You were very noisy last night.
What d'you mean? I could you hear you from my room.
Doing what? Talking in your sleep.
Well, shouting actually.
About that cat.
About how you found it stuck to your front wheel.
Gruesome stuff.
You feel guilty.
I don't.
I've hardly thought about it.
You'd better tell her.
It'll eat you up, man.
Gnaw at your soul till nothing's left! OK, Manfred, stop saying stuff like that.
This is London.
You'll get beaten up, all right? Guilt will get you in the end.
Nice buttocks.
Fuck off.
'Yes, vertical pyjama stripes can be slimming 'but they do nothing for a guilty conscience.
' You have the complexion of a 17-year-old.
Oh, thanks, Manfred.
All right, mate? Hello, mate.
You all right? D'you guys hear about Jake? No.
He broke his leg.
What? Got knocked off his bike on his way back from that do.
Oh, my god.
What? I wanted something bad to happen to him and now it has.
How could that have anything to do with it? It might have! He's right.
It's that gonk.
If that doesn't have powers, I don't know what has! It's like living with someone from Norfolk.
The world is stranger than you know.
Like, back in Zimbabwe, we had this haunted car, and sometimes, in the middle of the night, it would start itself up and drive off.
Then always the next morning, it'd be back with an extra 120 kilometres on the clock, which is the exact distance of a round trip to the Widow McGinty's place.
I tell you, something supernatural was going on there.
Wouldn't it be possible if, say, your father was driving over to see Widow McGinty? My father! Why would he go? He was happily married and she was a good 20 years younger than him.
My father! I tell you, there are some mysterious things out there.
Things we may never understand.
Yeah.
Like how you got a visa.
I didn't really do him.
His body find 'Pete's got his call up papers.
He's off to see Mel, 'but a bit of an epic journey and he's nodded off.
' 'By the looks on those faces, he's been talking in his sleep again.
' No, no, no.
I didn't mean to kill him! 'Oh, dear.
' You all right? Well, this was a date well worth waiting for.
Dinner, fine wine, and now intercourse.
And Pete doing marvellously.
He'd be back in the showers by now, but that dog's relentless gaze is keeping him in the game.
Yeah, and no complaints from Mel.
Oh, that's top drawer! Mel, not as buttoned-up as she seemed.
I'd imagine, in that respect, similar to Fiona Bruce.
Oh, the voice of experience, Terry? Unfortunately not.
Clare Balding, however.
I thought she was a lesbian.
She is now.
Incoming! 'Oh my goodness, I don't believe it.
They've crossed the line together!' 'That is a dead heat!' 'That is remarkable!' I'm just getting some times in for that.
And yeah, it's a record! Pete's longest time yet.
So, Gary's disconcerting gaze very much doing Pete a favour.
Shame you can't always have Gary looking at you when you're on the job, Colin.
'Well, Pete doesn't want to risk being caught talking in his sleep.
'Looks like Gary will have to turn in his guard dog union card, Terry!' 'Pete wisely getting dressed in the bathroom to avoid waking Gary.
'Ow! And there's the evidence of his run-in with the recycling box.
' Going somewhere? Yeah, I was just going to have a little wee.
D'you mind? What's with the clothes? I thought it might get cold in here so What you doing up? I never sleep.
I haven't slept for two years.
That gives you a chance to do your little jobs and that, does it? Not really.
I just sit thinking about a brick wall trying to stop the memories.
OK.
I'm going to Get back in and see Mel.
Yeah.
But you didn't go.
Yeah, I did.
OK, well, I'll see you at breakfast.
I don't eat breakfast.
OK, then.
See you at brunch.
Pete can't risk talking in his sleep.
His challenge now is to stay awake, and to do that, he's decided to think of sports articles he could write.
And he's off.
Ho-ho! We're back after these.
Welcome back.
And an eventful night for Pete.
Aye, he's still basking in the glory of that record breaking time.
Thank you for last night.
Thank you.
Do you know you talk in your sleep? Oh, is the cat out of the tea towel? What? Yeah.
Quite loudly.
Well, can you understand everything I was saying? Because it's probably nonsense.
No, it's quite clear actually.
Stuff like 'under the vehicle', 'scraped him off the wheel', 'body in bag', 'mustn't let it slip'.
No! Can I ask you a question, Pete? Yeah.
Were you in the forces? Pardon? Covert operations? Woh! That was unexpected.
Yeah.
Oh, he's gone with it! I was, yeah.
I was in the army.
In covert operations in Afghanistan.
I wanted to tell you sooner, but it's a big secret.
I knew it.
Yeah, you got me.
Oh! Have you got any milk? That's great.
Someone who can talk to Tom.
What? He was in Afghanistan, too.
That's why he's like how he is.
What, mad? Post-traumatic stress syndrome.
Oh, yeah, of course.
So will you talk to him? All right.
Tomorrow, 1900 hours, OK? Is that seven o'clock, yeah? So Pete off to visit Jake in hospital, but he still can't shake the feeling that somehow he's responsible for Jake's broken leg.
What do you think, Terry? Possible? I'm a very rational man, but scientists don't know everything.
No-one's yet got a satisfactory explanation for fairies.
I'll have to stop you there, Terry.
Pete's going in.
Mmm.
Delicious.
Hello, Jake.
Peace! I didn't expect to see you here.
I thought I'd just pop by, see how you're doing.
Aw, thanks.
I brought you some little Maltesers.
Thanks, but I don't eat anything with refined sugar.
OK.
Well, do you mind if I take them back then? How's your leg? Couldn't be better.
The fracture was in just the right place.
And it's helped clear up an old ligament injury left over from escapades with the penguins, so it looks like breaking my leg was the best thing that could've happened to me.
I'm going to be better than before! We got you a card.
Aw! And we heard you had some signed photos.
Help yourselves.
Pete, you could have one too.
Thanks very much.
That was hard, but Pete's eased his guilt by taking a signed photo.
And he's still got the Maltesers.
Oh, yeah! Hello, Tom.
Hiya, mate.
How are you? Your sister thought it might be a nice idea for you to speak about some of your war experiences with me.
No, thanks.
Could be a long evening.
Mel said you were in the forces.
Is that what the scars are about? Which ones, mate? On your leg.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was shrapnel.
Afghanistan.
Helmand? No, Afghanistan.
Sense of humour.
You need that after what we've been through.
Like you.
Yeah, you like to keep it light, don't you? Maybe it would do me good to unload.
Here we go.
Part of my MO was to look after the regimental mascot, a goat called Dave.
OK.
I turned around to dice some carrots for just a second.
While Tom's telling his story, a couple of facts about him.
Didn't want to join the army, felt pressured by his father into applying for Sandhurst.
Ended up in the catering corps.
They say an army matches on its stomach.
Makes you wonder why the French are so shy of a fight.
Aye! Oh, we're back to Tom.
And I came to this village.
That's where I found him.
They'd killed him.
Right.
Killed him, and stuck him in this big pot.
They were cooking him.
I'm there, mate.
I'm there.
And the worst part is, I was so, so hungry.
I ate some.
I ate a bit of Dave.
Just wish I could have got there sooner.
I could have stopped it, or at least seasoned him properly.
I'm sorry I ate you, Dave.
I'm so sorry.
Come on.
Civvy street, remember? Come on, soldier! Of course.
Sorry.
You know what? Mel's right.
That does feel good.
Great! So what about you? Eh? How do you mean? What happened to you to make you so fucked up? Excuse me? Come on.
Cough! I'd love to mate, but Official Secrets Act and all that.
That's a good excuse, Terry.
Top improvising.
Fuck The Official Secrets Act! Oh, but that's unlucky.
Fuck it! That's for the suits, not us.
Yeah, fuck them, fuck that.
Well, let's have it.
What was your worst experience? Well he did once wet himself in class when he was eight, but that won't cut much ice here.
Right.
Just looking, all right? We needed to take out some guns in the mountains, yeah? And there was this local girl, and she was acting as our guide.
She was quite fit.
And, erm, I made a bit of a mistake cos I fell in love with her.
Yeah.
But then, I found out she was deceiving us, and I had to kill her.
Oh, my God.
This is the Guns of Navarone isn't it Terry? Well spotted, Col.
Anyway, we had to take out the guns before a big British convoy came by, except it was lorries and stuff, not ships.
But, anyway, we managed just in time to get on the ship, except it wasn't a ship, it was a Chinook.
But, I still think about that Taliban girl.
Jesus.
What was this girl's name? It was Duffy.
Like the singer? Yeah, I never thought of that before.
Except, I think it was pronounced 'Duffrey'.
So, you had to abseil out of a chopper right into Mogadishu? I wondered when he'd get to Black Hawk Down.
During the evening he drew on many big war films of the last 50 years, and, of course, from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
You just do what you're told, don't you? And, anyway, so long, Tom.
Come here.
I love you, man.
Straight back at you, big man! Thanks for speaking to Tom.
He's a changed man.
He slept 14 straight hours last night.
Wow! I haven't done that since Tuesday.
And he's got himself a job interview.
Oh, wow.
That's good.
You know, you could thank me in the traditional way.
No, I've got to get back to Gary before he suspects something.
Suspects something? I mean, before he wonders where I am.
Oh, right, yeah.
Oh, Jake Oakman.
The Arctic hero.
He ate a penguin.
I know, but what a decision for a veggie to have to make.
Must have been like Sophie's Choice.
Except with penguins instead of children.
You're a hero, too.
You're a brigadier in covert ops.
Yes, Pete's been adding a few bits and bobs to the story.
In his mind, this is what he might look like if he was an actual hero.
Well, what do you think? You look like the President of Nigeria.
Oh, thanks, bru.
Where do you get that? I thought you were skint.
I hope you don't mind, but I borrowed your gonk.
I wished for a new outfit, and, lo and behold, I find this in a bin liner in a skip.
Sounds like you've just been poking around in skips.
Well, you can't let the gonk do all the work.
I think Pete wishes to prove to prove he's as big a hero as Jake.
I think he'll need a bigger gonk.
So, Pete and Manfred picking up Jake and off to a pub to celebrate his discharge.
That's not something I'd want to celebrate, Colin! Steady on, Terry! The pub they're off to, it's a little one Manfred knows that serves Mugabe, Zimbabwe's most popular beer.
This isn't the pub, Terry.
It's a detour to get Mel.
Do you think you could Probably best if you just stay in the car, yeah? Pete! Hi, mate.
How was your first day at work? Pretty great judging by that lovely glow.
Hello, I'm Manfred.
It was great.
Really great.
I know it was only photocopying but I couldn't have taken that first step without you.
Thank you.
Oh that's all right.
It's OK.
Did you manage to nick that paper for me? Way aye, under the tee shirt! Gary?! That's not good Terry.
Gary, come away from there! No, I think he's found something.
Gary! Sadly for Pete, Gary's hero is Lassie.
Eurgh! Looks like a cat's leg.
I think it's Monty's.
Oh, no.
My God, it must have been from when I clipped him.
Poor Monty.
But you said you found his body a mile away.
Yeah, I did.
That's right.
Yeah.
How could he have got a mile away if he was missing a leg? Well? We've all seen those animals with three legs and them little trolleys.
How could he have got a little trolley if he'd just lost his leg? Where was his trolley when you found him later? We're getting too caught up with the trolley idea.
I was just suggesting what might have happened.
There was no other car, was there? You killed him.
Brought the body back to see my sister.
OK, Tom.
You're off into fantasy land now, yeah? Tell me, Tom.
Are those highlights? Because they would cost a fortune in a salon.
He's still a long way from being right, I'm afraid.
Shut up.
It's true, isn't it? You lied to me.
I can't believe a twice decorated brigadier would do that?! I only did it to save your feelings.
And remember it did give you closure, didn't it? I suppose.
Yeah.
Oh, how's it, Tom? What are you doing up there, bru? Oh! Tom! What?! Looks like Tom's fragile mind has finally snapped.
Stay there! Oh, my word.
Pete, you've got to talk him down.
OK.
Come on now, Tom.
Come away from there.
You were my hero, Pete, but you're just a fraud.
And to think I spilled my guts out to you about David.
Who's David? His goat! All the time you sat there, knowing you killed Monty.
You're a liar and a coward! Easy now, Tom.
I'm still your senior officer, remember? How do I know you didn't lie about all that as well? Don't be ridiculous, Tom! Pete, go out there and talk to him.
It's a bit high, isn't it? Don't mess about, Pete.
Move! The thing is, I fell off a porch recently, and I've been funny about heights since then You've done much more dangerous things than this.
Like the jumping into that moving cable car.
It sounded like something out of Where Eagles Dare.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
You were never in the army, were you? What?! How could you stand there and lie straight to my face? It was really hard.
I'm going to do it.
Goodbye, Mel.
No! Pete, do something! Cometh the hour, cometh the man.
I really don't want to, I'm sorry.
Pitiful.
I'll do it.
Jake Oakman! Tom, my name's Jake.
What's this all about? He's had some really bad war experiences and he ate the regimental mascot which was a goat.
No one wants to hear from you.
Righto.
Tom.
I killed and ate a penguin.
What? Yeah, that's right.
So I know what you're going through.
I felt I was the only one.
Well you're not, sir.
There are hundreds of us out there.
Like me.
I killed your cat! These men did what they did to survive.
Well, that's just it.
I didn't.
When I got back to the barracks, I found two tins of corned beef in my backpack.
Oh.
Shit.
Fucking hell.
Put that out of your mind.
That's in the past now.
That's awful.
You've got to stop beating yourself up about it! David died because of my mistake.
Yeah! I'm going to jump.
No! Ah! Ah! That's it.
Lay him on the ground.
That's it.
Get him on the ground.
It's OK, Tom.
You saved my brother's life.
And with a broken leg! Well done, Jake.
If only I hadn't fallen off that bloody porch! You know, if I was a man I'd knock your block off! Why are you having a go at me? He ate David when he had two good tins of corned beef.
That is enough, Pete.
I don't know why you're so smug with that penguin still in your duodenum.
Gary finally articulating his views as best he can.
He's pissed on my bag! Your dog's pissed on my bag! Hopefully the stolen paper will go through the printer.
He searched for the hero inside himself.
But all he found was a rucksack full of dog wee.
Thank you, Terry.
Join us again soon when once again Pete takes on life.