PhoneShop (2009) s02e05 Episode Script

OK, so you meeting him tonight, yeah? Straight up.
For the three course racist dinner with coffee.
White naturally.
Dunno.
Bruv, to be fair, he might not actually be a racist.
Bruv, when a girl tells you her Dad is a little bit different and not to take everything he says seriously, you know my man's a racist.
Classic racist Dad? I mean don't get me wrong, mate, you're OK, it's the rest of 'em I don't like.
Oh, thank you! I'm not being weird, but can I touch your hair? I'd rather you didn't but you will anyway.
Oh, it's soft, innit?! Innit soft! I didn't think it'd be soft.
Yeah.
It's hair, bruv.
I ain't being racial, mate.
I'm just a plain-speaking, simple-minded, curious racist.
F that.
I ain't letting that shit pass, you know.
Nor should you, bruv.
I'm going to Malcolm the X out of his r-arse.
And very happily ended up where I am today.
I mean basically, I'm what's known in the business as a "personality greeter".
I know, I know, "Who are you? "What the hell are you doing in our shop, you bloody big bugger?" We're not entirely sure yet! Guys look, it's part of a national rollout.
But trust me I am friend not foe.
It's my job to meet, greet and make it oh, soooo sweet (CHUCKLES) Erm, can I ask you a question? Sure.
Arks away.
Um, why are you such a fucking chief? (THEY CHUCKLE) Ashley! Now hang on.
Hey, now that is a very good question.
Because I am the effing chief who's going to help you to smash the arsehole off your target today.
Really? Really.
But can I ask you two a question? What watches are you guys rolling with? Ooh, wow Hey Un-nn-nn-nn Ow! Mummy.
Now, who knows what that is? I do.
I've seen it in the GQ magazine rich man watch special.
Summer supplement.
Hey! Beautiful and well-read.
There's only two of these in the entire country.
I've got one do you know who's got the other one? Rio Ferdinand.
That's right, Sir Rio da Ferdinand.
Oh, but please, come on.
Can we stop going on about my effing watch, the fact I date a Colombian underwear model and that my "other car" is a Porsche Carerra 2.
7 RS, 1973, Daytona Yellow.
Come on! End of.
Please.
I'm happy to stop going on about it.
I'm not even talking about it anyway.
I, like you, am fucking awesome at my job.
And, yeah, I've heard all the buzz at head office about just how good Jerwayne and Ashley are.
Are you serious? Serious.
What are people saying? Hey, I've heard it, I haven't seen it.
Show me.
Show me how good you are.
Come on, let's start stuffing those tills downstairs so full of cash, you'll need a Camelot counsellor to help you deal with the commission you'll take home.
That's good, Camelot! Yeah? Come on! Let's go! Let's go to work! We'll do this, man.
We'll do this.
What a couple of great lads.
Amazing, aren't they? Yeah.
Ow.
Mummy.
(BOTH) There's a rat in my kitchen what am I going to do? There's a rat in my kitchen what am I going to do? Gonna kill that rat No, Lance.
You're going to report it as a serious rodent infestation to the Health and Safety Executive.
Ha! Your face! Roxanne, you don't have to put on the red light Roxanne! Speaking about putting it on, put the kettle on, we'll have a cuppa? Yeah.
Oh, I'd better not.
Eh? There's a rat in me kitchen! Ha-ha-ha! Yeah, man! Des man! Hey, you do know, Lance, that you stand to make a load of money out of this? Do I? Yeah.
Marketing not told you? No.
They tell me nothing.
They didn't even tell me you were coming! Marketing.
They are shite.
Don't get me started on marketing.
You know about the HBCS, right? HBCS.
Right.
No? Look, it's the Higher Bonus Cash Scheme.
Basically, the more cash we take as a store, the better If we spend all day taking credit cards, we're getting hit with huge handling fees.
The company's losing money, the shop's losing money.
You and I are missing out on serious cash.
I get it.
Cash is king? Exactamundo.
But, hey, let's keep that between I and I, yeah? Safe.
I'll stick the kettle on.
Mash up a brew.
I think you've got a secret admirer, Janine.
Really? Who? Couldn't possibly say.
It's not the greeter, is it? Yes.
Is it? Yes.
It's not the greeter.
It's Gerry Dead Eye from The Poundshop isn't it? I knew it.
Every year he sends me a Valentines card written in his own shit.
I think you'll find it's someone closer to home.
It's not you, is it? No.
Darryl.
Darryl? Darryl, the good times sax man.
I was talking to him earlier I know his Mum.
The sax man? Course it's not me! PLAYS SIR DUKE Right, do not show me your card! Because it makes the trick a lot shorter.
Ash.
My man's gone on a bitch tip, innit? I'm not in a bitch tip.
It's just, there's something about him.
Oh, my god There's something about you, innit?! Hey, Sir Lord Ashington, bosh! The J Star.
Boom! Right, I've got two cookers over there who are begging to be stitched the F-U-C-K up.
Gentlemen, do your dirtiest.
No lube.
They want it.
They want it.
They really, really want it! Ride 'em cowboys.
Dunno! Bless, man.
You all right? Yeah.
You all right? Oh, I'm all right.
Great.
Um no drinking on the shop floor, son.
You should know that by now.
So, your majesty, happy? I haven't been this happy since I saw Maxi Priest guest with UB40 in 2007.
Magical night.
Shelley was at home with thrush.
Hey, but what about this fella? Darryl? He's amazing isn't he? To be honest, he's doing my job for me.
It doesn't get much easier than this.
Hey, don't forget, it's all about the - ding! - cashish! Hello, welcome to PhoneShop.
Hello, and welcome to PhoneShop, and how is your day today, please? REGGAE MUSIC PLAYS You're very keen, aren't you? I just want to crosscheck your cabin doors and store your fold-out table in the upright position, Kimberly.
Shut up.
Please.
Don't make me call the sky marshal on you! Look, you just need to sign and initial where them kisses, I mean them crosses are.
I don't know what's wrong with me today, you know? What's this? What? "By signing this contract" (BOTH) # ".
.
I hereby agree to a complimentary, restaurant dinner date this evening"? # Did you put that there? Now then, tell me about this dinner date.
So maybe we could hang out and maybe grab some dinner? Sure.
Really? Yeah, sounds pretty cool.
OK.
That was a positive development.
Right, tonight? Is that good for you? I come alive of a night.
At seven, quarter to eight whatever This is awesome.
I am officially stoked.
Ow! Apologies.
Ciao! PLAYS THE STRIPPER You got a date with cabin crew?! Can't believe it.
How long has man been gassed on a cabin crew ting? Since Oh, my gosh since before Branson even had the crazy dream of Virgin Cola.
Dunno, fam.
Man's finally got cabin crew, boy! And you know the stories about them girls, innit? Them girls are proper filthy, cuz.
Been dreamin' about that filth for tiiiime, cuz! Cabin crew, bruv! Leave the scarf on, innit? Leave the scarf and the jacket.
With the little bag, innit? Tippity tappity tippity Does this look good? Ash, do you know what this means? Cabin doors to manual, boom! Cabin doors to manual, innit? Man's going to have sex tonight, bruv.
Probably.
No, I'm just saying, you know, there's just something about him, Lance.
There's something about you.
That's not helping.
What's not helping? You, just repeating everything.
I'm not repeating everything, Christopher.
Chris I understand the situation, we've got a new, new man and you've had your nose put out of joint.
It's like what happened to me when I thought Shelley had a thing for her tennis coach.
It wasn't nice for a while till Shelley pointed out, it was a simple case of me being jealous.
In the end, we sorted it all out and it was fine.
What happened? We made him sleep downstairs.
Want some? I'm fine.
Get a fork, go on.
Gentlemen and beautiful lady, please keep your eye on the phone at all times because it's here, it's there, it's everywhere.
Any moment it could disappear as if by magic.
No, I've seen this one.
He's put it down his sleeve.
Other sleeve then.
It's in your inside pocket.
Search me.
I will then, thank you.
It's not in that one, so it's Maybe I should search you! GASPS AND APPLAUSE Well, Christopher, I didn't know you were a thief.
I'm not I didn't.
Who'd have thought it with that face?! It's always the ones you least expect, isn't it? Oh Fuck off.
Don't know, you get Cabin Crew and I get racist parents! Ash, wait till my man sees the black tsunami that's going to lick him tonight.
I'm going to be like Malcolm, Martin and fucking Lenny combined! Oh, fuck bruv, got a skinhead, I'll call you back.
Easy, Rasta.
Dad, this is Jerwayne.
Bredrin.
Yeah, pleased to meet you.
Seen.
Dad.
What? So, shall we Dad! You look really nice tonight, Kimberly.
Ashley I spend 11 hours a day at 35,000 feet dressed like a fucking Barbie doll.
It's nice just to cut loose, yeah? Am I talking enough? No.
It's not going well, is it? I'm not much I'm not much good without my You could tell me I look nice, you don't have to mean it.
Brilliant! Should I do it now? Spring it on me.
You look nice! Thank you.
Erm Yeah Me wan table for tree.
Sorry? Me wan table for tree.
A table fitree? (WHISPERS) Jesus Christ.
Yeah, there are one two tree o' we.
Excuse me, can I just say that "we" ain't me.
Would it be possible just to get a table for three? Oh! A table for three.
Please, follow me.
(MUMBLES) Haile Selassie.
Is (BURPS) Ooh! What were you going to say? I'm not exactly sure just what you mean when you say, "We don't serve rice and pea.
" We don't serve rice and peas.
Sorry.
Oh we're in one those restaurants, are we?! A French restaurant.
And they don't have black people in France?! I'm happy with the lamb, you know.
No, you are not! We'll have goat.
Goat! And a bottle opener.
Now.
Yeah, we usually to bank the takings every two or three days, but when you've had a day like today, you've got to get it straight in there.
No, you can't have that much cash just lying around can you? I got a missed call from you.
Yeah, we've finished, you can clear up.
And get us a couple of fresh ones of them and there's a bottle of vodka in the fridge.
Bring it.
Hey, did I tell you about the time I saw Sting? You've seen Sting? Yeah, live in Dortmund.
The Nothing Like The Sun tour? Hm-mm.
Piss off! Yeah, piss off.
You want to watch that little git.
You're right about the Pollock, it's lovely.
What are we going to do after pudding? Do you know what I thought? Get a early night, really, cos like An early night? Yeah.
Just, um Good idea ACE OF SPADES: Motorhead I dunno about you but I am busting for a shit.
Oh, bruv! "Cabin Doors to manual!" (BREAKS WIND) (LAUGHS) (BREAKS WIND) Ooh, actually best put the telly on.
And turn it up loud.
That is quite malty, isn't it? Erm, listen, Jerwayne, while Daisy is powdering her nose, I, erm I wanted to have a word with you.
I don't think it's going to work out between you and her.
It's just I was hoping for someone a bit more black What? You're not, you're not you're not quite as urban as I was hoping.
Look, let me make this clear, I mean it's not the rest of them they're all right.
It's just you.
Although, Jerwayne Fuck.
Can I Could I Could I have a little feel of your hair? Just, I mean, feel free to say no if you No, it is a "no", isn't it? No.
We could just chat.
Talk about anything, the first thing that comes into your head.
Really? Yeah.
My brother once masturbated onto my stick insects cos I wouldn't let him watch Thundercats.
It didn't kill them.
But I didn't want them after that so I let them die.
LUCKY STARS: Dean Friedman and Denise Marsa He's a bloody depressive, Janine! I didn't know! He's been clinically depressed for the last 18 months.
He was recovering.
His therapist told him to get out and meet people.
They suggested he take up a musical instrument, he did both, Janine.
Now, look what you've done to him listen to that! I swear I didn't know, Lance.
Right, you are going to have to go out there and give him a bit of minge, or something.
Excuse me? What? Sorry? You heard.
Those tills down there are empty because of you.
Now get out there, give him a bit of tit, let's start making some sales and getting some cash in that fucking safe! Lance, tell him.
She'll do it.
She won't do it.
No, I fucking won't! Right.
Fuck the pair of yous! I'll do it myself.
I'll go down there and I'll shove that saxophone so far up his fucking arsehole, he'll be whistling fucking Dixie.
Hey! You, you little c Bruv, that was horrible.
Bit of madnesses, you get me? (PLAYS SIREN ON SAXOPHONE) Bloody twat.
I've just been on to head office, let them know what happened.
They'd never sent us a Personality Greeter.
They didn't know what I was talking about.
Must have been a scam.
He was a con man.
What? I can't believe a man who loved reggae as much as me could do something like that.
Oh, well, I'll put the kettle on then.
I danced with him.
Fuck!