Please Like Me (2013) s02e05 Episode Script

Yeah, it was a tampon.
Oh, God.
You can't flush 'em down a toilet, mate.
These old pipes, they're clay.
Well, I mean, it wasn't me, was it? Well, obviously, no one's to blame.
$770? Yeah, the camera equipment's pretty expensive.
And I didn't charge you for the full second hour.
Here's the camera footage we got.
Camera footage? Of the tampon? Yeah.
I'll clean up then.
Oh, John, oh, baby, hey, come here.
- Thanks to: ivan_dnt - - For PLMBR - Who's on their period in the house? - Tom? - I don't know.
Why are you sitting? You have to get up.
We have to go and get Claire.
Oh, shit.
I'm up.
I'm up.
Can we use the shower now? No.
No shower.
There's no time.
- But I'm disgusting.
- Yeah, disgusting.
Oh, Patrick.
Have you had any girls in the house? No.
No.
It wasn't one of my friends.
I haven't brought any girls into the house.
What's with the no-pants thing? Are we done with pants? Is nobody wearing pants anymore? This is it.
This is how I'm gonna smell to see Claire for the first time in a year? It was Jenny.
Obviously, it was Jenny.
It wasn't Jenny.
Tom, you're gonna have to tell her not to flush tampons down the toilet.
I'm not talking to her about that.
No.
Tom, this is probably new to her, okay? She's probably scared and a little bit confused and, as the adult, I just think you've the responsibility to talk to her about it.
It wasn't Jenny.
(PHONE RINGING) Might as well be, it's stupid, it's new to her, okay? - Hi.
- I'm coming.
I'm here.
I smell not very good.
We're here.
We're just parking, okay? We'll come get you and help you with your bags.
I can't afford $770.
Nope.
Who's gonna pay? I dunno.
Do you think it's too rude to ask Jenny? Yes.
Usually, landlords pay for stuff like this.
You gonna ask your dad? No, there just has to be a better way, doesn't there? Ho, ho, Claire.
- Here she is.
- Ha, ha, ha.
Hey, I got it.
So I'm pretty curious because the guy who was sitting next to me, I think ate all of my cheese and crackers while I was asleep.
Who does that? Don't worry, Tom, I got these.
Claire, Tom, he has a child girlfriend.
She's in high school.
He's been really mean to her and then, over-committing to offset his guilt, he bought her a rabbit, right? Which lives in our house.
Tom and I are currently co-parenting a rabbit with a girl in high school.
Also, she got her period in the house and she flushed a tampon down the toilet and it cost $770.
We can't afford $770, Claire.
Josh got a flatmate because he thought the flatmate was pretty and he fell in love with the flatmate.
Then the flatmate kissed Josh because the flatmate was bored.
Then Josh pissed his pants.
So you should be delicate with Josh 'cause he's sad today.
No.
I'm not sad because of Patrick, okay? I'm sad 'cause your bad choices are costing us $770.
My tomato plant is dead and also I have to wake up and look at your face every day, every single day.
Do you know what that's like for me, Tom? And Patrick's handsome face.
Okay.
What have you been up to? I'm just working in Hamburg, you know? He didn't even seem awkward about it this morning, did he? I mean, like, I don't think he's though about it at all.
I think, to him, kissing me was, like, a joke.
I think, to him, kissing me was, like, funny.
I am so tired.
Too tired for this.
Yeah, that is good news 'cause I have to drop you at home and then go and ask my dad for $770.
Well, I guess it's nice to be back.
Yeah.
You missed us, okay? You like us.
Bloody hell.
I don't want to bail you out, Josh.
Every time I bail you out, you never learn anything.
I just don't know what I was meant to learn from this.
Not to flush tampons down the toilet.
Is that the lesson? It's your responsibility to look after the house.
That's what we talked about when I let you move in.
Just don't know how I could have avoided this.
Do you want me to stop inviting girls over if they seem moody? I'm just not sure what to do here, okay? Yeah, you're the landlord.
If I wasn't your son, you'd just have to pay for it.
It's your responsibility to pay for upkeep of the house.
No, I wouldn't be trying to reposition this as a traditional landlord/tenant relationship, if I were you.
Tenants pay rent.
(SLURPING NOISILY) (BABY COOING) I'm gonna pee.
(MUSIC PLAYING) It's gonna be one of those days for me, isn't it? Oh, no, no, no.
I wasn't You know, what are you thinking? Hm? When you draw on my door? No, I'm sorry, I just there was a swastika there and I just thought it'd be better if, instead of a swastika, there was a house, do you know what I mean? Because Nazis are bad.
This is vandalism.
Yeah, but I just thought it would be nicer if, instead of having a swastika, if you had a house with a little cute family.
I don't know why I care.
Okay, I wanted to draw a Jewish family, you know, because, you know, but that's really hard to do without looking a bit racist so instead I drew a gay family, you see, 'cause it's easier to draw a gay family.
It's just two lads, do you know? 'Cause everyone always forgets that they killed gays as well.
Well, why don't you just write "Prick" on my forehead? Well, go on.
No.
Write "Prick" on my forehead.
(PHONE RINGING) Who's that? It's my dad.
Huh? Hi, Dad.
Let me take it.
Who's that? Where are you? I'm in the toilets where I got in trouble.
Trouble? What do you mean? What kind of trouble? It's no big deal.
Editing some graffiti.
Graffiti? You were vandaliz You were vandalizing? Yeah, in, like, a noble way, do you know what I mean? Like Banksy.
Are you this boy's dad? Yes.
Who are you? I'm the cleaner.
Just caught Bart Simpson over here drawing on my door.
Yes, and, what do you want? - I just thought - Oh, just fuck off, will you? Oh, okay, well, I'm gonna get you security.
Josh Oh, shit.
Let's get out of here.
Oh, yeah, we better go.
Vandalism, like a fucking teenager.
(GIGGLING) (MUSIC PLAYING) Hurry up.
(MUSIC PLAYING) - Josh? - Yeah.
It comes down to this.
I look at you and I think you're lost.
And I feel lost when I look at you.
You're a smart kid and I guess you have to decide whether you want to be somebody or just anybody.
Yeah.
And I think I've mollycoddled you.
You know, it's time you started taking some responsibility for something.
Yeah.
You've left Grace behind, yeah? Shit, shit, shit.
You don't gossip much, do you? No.
Stuart and I had sex.
Noted.
Is that all you're gonna say about it? There's a wife.
This here, I guarantee you, is not my thing.
Well, I didn't know he had a wife at the time but I don't feel guilty about it.
- Do you think I should feel guilty? - I don't think.
I have no thoughts.
Ginger has a lot of thoughts.
I couldn't tell Ginger.
I never know how she's gonna react to things.
She's crazy.
We're all crazy.
That's kind of the point.
Oh.
She'd just tell everybody.
She'd love it too much.
Perhaps.
No, I think she thinks she's the most sane person in here.
- Now that's pretty crazy.
- Everyone thinks they're the most sane.
Yeah, but for her to say that.
I mean, she's Ginger.
I knew it.
I knew you'd talk about me behind my back.
Oh, shit.
Everybody, listen up, I've got news and I can't keep it to myself.
Cooey! Cooey! - It'll rock you to your very core.
- What is it? - Oh, Ginger.
- It's about Oh, what Rose? Are you ashamed? You seemed quite proud of yourself back there.
- I want to know what the news is.
- Well, Maudrey, it's about Rose.
Oh, Ginger, look, I didn't mean any of those things Rose is - a pig.
- She isn't.
- She is.
- Ohh! Oh, I made you a cake.
I forgot, I forgot.
What are we doing to celebrate Claire coming back? I made a cake.
Let's go dancing.
I'm not very good at icing.
But I can't hang out tonight.
I have to see Jenny.
But Claire just got back.
I made a cake.
- I just have to.
- It's fine.
I'm tired.
We'll just do something tomorrow.
No, what are these immovable plans? It is Jenny's school musical tonight.
Oh, let's go out.
- We should go out.
- Yes.
Yeah, you know, it's your first day back.
We need to entertain you.
No, you can't come.
- Why? - Is it sold out? I hope not.
I was meant to book but I never gave back the slip.
(LAUGHING) - Will there be alcohol there? - I don't think so.
- Do you have juice? - Yeah.
- We should pour vodka into juice.
- Yes.
Yeah, with that, it is done.
Over hill Over dale Thorough bush Thorough brier Over park Over pale Thorough flood Thorough fire Yeah, I'm fine.
I do wander everywhere Swifter than the moon's It's good to get out and get a bit of culture.
Shakespeare.
No, Tom, I thought this was a musical.
It is.
"A 'Midsummer Night's Dream' is re-imagined in the modern day with pop songs from the '80s, '90s and now.
" Oh, yeah, I mean, that's what Shakespeare would have wanted.
Well, he didn't write it as a musical but Doesn't mean it's not gonna be better as a musical.
I mean, how he could decide? It's not like he had access to the hits of '80s, '90s and now.
Guys, don't poison my mind.
I need to convince myself this is good so I can be supportive after.
I must go seek some dewdrops here How you feeling, Tom? Nervous.
(APPLAUDING) Which one is she? We'll always be together However far it seems Love never ends We'll always be together Together in electric dreams Oh, this sucks.
No way.
These kids are way more talented than you are.
- No.
That just is not true.
- Please be quiet.
She said we're not talented at musicals.
Please just be quiet.
Only if you defend yourself, Thomas, now.
Shh, shh.
We'll always be together Howev-faaar it Toom doom doom doo We'll always be together Okay, these kids are trash, classical musicals were perfection.
Thank you.
- Why is Ginger over there? - Never mind.
It's just usually she sits here with us.
Mom and Dad are fighting.
Yep, there's tension.
I can feel tension.
I didn't come to hospital to feel tension.
I could have just stayed at home with my family.
I'm gonna go eat in my room.
Why didn't I think of that? Food, bed.
They're my top ten favorite things.
I don't know what to do.
Could you have a talk to her? No, not my thing.
Oh, I can't stand this.
I know you don't want to talk to me but I need you to know that I'm sorry.
- I didn't mean any of those things I said.
- Yes, you meant it.
You meant everything you said.
And they're all true.
All those things are true.
Yeah, okay, all right, yes, I did mean 'em.
But those things I said are not bad things.
They're just flaws that you have and I really like them, those flaws.
I really like hanging out with you.
Is that what friendship is? I dunno what friendship is anymore.
At least you're still here.
I just stayed here the same way I sometimes sit through "The X Factor.
" Can't find the remote.
And all my right of her I do estate unto Demetrius.
(GASPING) (CAN-CAN MUSIC) What? - What? - She has wings.
What do you mean? What's going on? Nothing's going on.
Just look.
(CAN-CAN MUSIC CONTINUING) - What's that? - Wings.
Wings? - Wings.
- Like on a pad.
No.
(CAN-CAN MUSIC CONTINUING) It's not.
It's just part of the costume.
Tom, it's not the costume.
(APPLAUDING) Well, Jenny owes me $770.
Unrelated.
Okay, unrelated.
Well, let's get out of here.
No, we have to stay for the second half.
I'm not staying any longer.
I'm sorry.
Why don't you two go for a walk and I'll stay here and watch the rest of it with Tom.
Cool.
Okay.
This is hell.
I am so jetlagged and this is hell.
I think the play's been good.
Fuck off.
Oh.
I just thought you might be, like, pretty talented at sports.
- No? - I am.
I did gymnastics.
- Stop it.
- Yeah.
- You didn't.
- I was gymnastics champion.
The time I went to do gymnastics in class is the sixth most humiliating moment of my high school years.
But you're so graceful.
Yeah.
(LAUGHING) Yeah.
Isn't that just the meanest thing you can imagine? Making teenagers do gymnastics in front of other teenagers? I didn't have to do it, though.
My dad, he gave me a note to get out of it, right? Hmm, what was the excuse? That I have had surgery on my ingrown toenails a few weeks before.
That's why your toenails are so weird.
Yeah, the teacher so the whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
How long have you thought that I have weird toenails? Since I saw them.
Okay.
Well The teacher still had to grade me, right? So I had to do like a gymnastics routine but without any gymnastics in it.
I cannot fathom how that is possible.
What she made me do, right, is replace forward rolls with my arms like this and spinning, and cartwheels were arms out like this and then I had to, like, put together a routine and then she just judged me on how well I, like, used the space.
I do not know how she found a way to make it more humiliating.
Will you show me this routine? I mean, I'm happy to show you my routine if you show me your champion routine.
All right, fuck, yeah.
I'll do it.
Ooh.
Yeah.
Oh, you're very serious.
Oh, yeah.
Ooh.
(GIGGLING) That's Yeah.
That's gorgeous.
No, that's not my thing.
Whoa! You know, that was quite good.
It's the most beautiful gymnastics I've ever seen.
("RIVERDANCE" PLAYING) Unveil yourself, masked dancer.
(LAUGHING) (APPLAUDING) Okay, kill me.
(MUFFLED LAUGHING) * Now the hungry lion roars * I dare you to touch that girl's hair.
I'm not touching someone's hair.
I'll give you the rest of this juice if you touch that girl's hair.
No, shut up.
* All with Weary task fordone * * Now the wasted brands do glow * * Whilst the screech-owl * * Screeching loud puts the wretch that lies in woe * * In remembrance of a shroud * * Now it is the time of night * * That the graves * * All gaping wide * * Every one lets forth his * (DOOR OPENING) His wife's here.
His wife's here.
Oh, Ginger, just leave it.
Oh, no, no, no.
We're not fighting anymore.
I'm bored.
We're a team.
Oh, well, great.
Yeah, so let's get her.
It's our big chance.
- Get her? - Yes.
Let's get her.
Come on.
I don't want to get her.
You just have to remember that I was doing this in front of the entire class, yes? Okay.
(MUSIC PLAYING) (APPLAUDING) (GIGGLING) (LAUGHING) Sorry.
(MUSIC CONTINUING) Come on, come on.
So what's the plan to get her? I don't know yet.
I really don't think we should get her.
Your hair looks nice.
Well, it doesn't look nice, Stuart, does it? It isn't what I asked for.
No one does their hair like this anymore.
What a little (indistinct) she is.
Okay, it looks shit, I don't know.
Yeah, well, you're no prize pig yourself.
Ginger, I think we should leave.
Just leave them be.
No.
We're gonna get her.
Ginger, no one is getting anybody.
She's his wife.
She's visiting.
It's nice.
Oh, God.
- What happened? - (LAUGHING) God, that hurt so much.
What can I do for you, Hazel? He's hugging her.
It's backfired.
(LAUGHING) Next time, I'll aim the coin at you.
Come on.
Stop.
You're not gonna take my pants off.
Why not? Come on, it's fun.
We're, like, on a basketball court at school.
It's like a fun thing.
I didn't realize you were so slutty.
It's never slutty.
(Indistinct) it's fine, allowed to be slutty.
Didn't realize you were so frigid.
Josh! Josh, I have superstar, Jenny! Aren't you glad I didn't take the pants off? Not really.
Hi.
Ooh, sorry.
Shall we leave? No, no.
It's fine.
We can We can pause.
I'm sorry you guys had to sit through that.
I know it's lame.
But I need you all to know I know it's lame.
No, it was good.
Jenny, it was fine.
Ours were heap spots, I promise.
You looked hot.
(HUMMING) - Claire.
- (HUMMING) Stop it.
I'm very drunk and I haven't slept in three days.
Claire drank all the juice.
Well, Tom gave it to me because Tom was trying to get me tipsy.
I am-I have some more if anyone wants.
Tremendous.
You know, there's something about being jetlagged, it always makes me feel like I'm on my period, you know? No.
I've been jetlagged before.
It doesn't make you feel like you're on your period.
Midsummer Night's Dream! Did you tell them? Tom, how do they know I'm on my period? They don't.
Okay, well, they do.
We do.
- Jenny.
- How? I don't want to talk about it.
- You told them? - No.
Tom, that's crazy.
It's I just What? It's come here.
So what happened is when you were doing the can-can, we saw your wings.
- Wings? - Yeah, your wings.
Okay.
I'm gonna go.
- I'll come.
- No.
No.
You stay here with these guys.
Jenny.
You're all so fucking immature.
It was my tampon.
In the drain this morning, it was my tampon.
I cannot begin to imagine what you mean by that.
Dude.
You're a boy.
(LAUGHING) I was on the toilet and I saw it sitting there and I realized that I'd never seen one and that's weird because they're a big part of the world, they're important and I'd never seen one, not up close.
So I unwrapped it and I took a good look.
I pulled it apart a bit to see how it's made and then I flushed it.
(LAUGHING) By the way, we saw a very talented donkey.
Such a talented donkey.
(MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC FADES OUT)