Portlandia (2011) s02e05 Episode Script

Come on, boy.
Let's go for a walk.
Hey, Melanie.
- Hey, Jason.
I didn't know you were back in L.
A.
- Yeah.
You won't believe what I saw on my trip.
Ooh-ooh Let me guess-- in Portland.
Yeah, but-- Here, follow me.
You remember the '90s when everyone was pickling their own vegetables and brewing their own beer? People were growing out their mutton chops and waxing their handlebar mustaches? - The '90s? - Yeah.
Everyone was knitting and sewing clothes for their children.
People were wearing glasses all the time, - like contact lenses had never been invented.
- Wait.
Are we talking about the 1990s? No.
The 1890s.
The dream of the '90s is alive in Portland It's the dream of the 1890s in Portland Microbrew or die Remember when kids grew up to be artisan bakers? Everyone had homemade haircuts and guys shaved with straight razors.
I mean, I don't remember.
I wasn't born, but, yeah, I've read about it.
Belts didn't really exist yet.
Everyone wore suspenders.
Everyone used to carve their own ice cubes.
- I thought that died out 120 years ago.
- Not in Portland.
It's the dream of the 1890s in Portland My mustache curls up nice Remember in the 1890s when the economy was in a tailspin? Unwashed young men roamed the streets looking for work.
And people turned their backs on huge corporate monopolies and supported local businesses? I thought we had to support corporations.
I thought they were too big to fail.
Well, in Portland, people raise their own chickens and cure their own meats.
The turn of the century is alive in Portland Welcome to the sausage party The skinniest strongman is alive in Portland So from what you're saying, it's like President McKinley was never assassinated.
- It's as if the 20th century never happened.
- Exactly.
People took street cars, they rode inconvenient gearless bicycles - that hurt your back.
- Yeah.
It's a long way back And this modern world's gone off the track But you can escape it all in Portland A dandy hobo has a home in Portland It's the dream of the 1890s in Portland - Hey.
- Hi.
What are you doing? - The Charleston.
- Stop for a sec.
It's the right idea, but you're kind of maybe a little too 1920s.
- Oh.
- Do this.
There you go.
Get one of these - Much better.
Welcome to Portland.
- Thank you.
It's the dream of the 1890s in Portland Thank you, everyone.
Welcome to our performance today.
May I request that you reach into your pockets and purses, deactivate all of your cell phones and any communication devices you may have? Now, we request that you cheer, holler, give us any accolades that you may desire-- Movie's starting.
Come on, man.
Turn down your siren.
Well, there it is.
I'm sure you saw it.
We've got a problem.
Oh, yeah.
"Best PDX hiking spots.
" Actually, that part.
We've got a real P.
R.
problem right now.
People are just not liking the cops in this city at all.
It started with this event that they disrupted.
Oh, yeah.
"The best PDX hiking spots.
" No.
No, this-- Fred, the big one.
So we need to consider a kinder, gentler police force, I think.
Because that looks-- As soon as you see a cop car You get scared, and you want to run.
Seems like we need to kind of rebrand the Portland police force.
Even just to change cops, like cops with a "k.
" - You could do, like, Keystone Kops.
- Yeah.
That was, like, the comedy team from the silent era of films.
Things that spill on them.
Like, a lot of hat switching.
- They all try to get inside a phone booth.
- Yeah.
Or, like, a lot of knocking.
You know, like You know, and like that kind of thing.
Sam.
Sam, we're thinking maybe Keystone Kops.
- You know Keystone Kops? - Yeah.
- He loves it.
- You know There is something about just the way they look that we could change.
I mean, what if we just redesigned the uniforms? - That's a good idea.
- Is that a hassle? - Change the uniforms.
- There you go.
That's a great idea.
I like this idea.
I like this idea.
Sam, we're gonna redesign the cop uniforms.
That's it.
- Nice decision-making.
- Hey.
Wonderful help.
Who's designing it? - You guys are.
- I would do that.
- I would totally do that.
- Keep working.
I'm gonna talk to the police chief-- Lester.
- He's gonna love this.
- Great.
Then what looks cool? I like shoulder pads.
Oh, that's good.
Yeah.
Oh, Doug, listen to this.
"Zero-packaging grocery store to opeon Division.
" Zero packaging.
What is that? Literally, the food is available in bulk.
It's out in the open.
No packaging.
It's in bins.
I guess they think it's ecologically sound, and then there's gonna be no waste, but what about the rats? Huh.
Zero-packaging foods - Gimme five.
- Oh, yeah.
We're gonna eat all night Packaging is the only thing that keep humans separate from animals.
- This place is made for rats.
- Marketed to rats.
- Yeah.
- Wait, guys.
Everyone's gonna find out about this.
We can help that.
We don't have to tell anyone.
We have to really not tell anybody.
I think our biggest threat is a raccoon and a possum.
'Cause they're big.
I'm not afraid of mice.
- I'll say right now, I don't care about mice.
- Please.
Mice.
I'll look at a mice in the face--a mouse in the face and just go, like, "What? - Yes?" - They're pets.
I saw one the other day.
I couldn't even tell if he was making fun of me or just being annoying.
I'm, like-- I just did it back to him.
And he got scared of that.
Yeah, enjoy your cheese.
The cheese thing is like I mean I think we go for it.
You should call.
- Hi.
Earth Lands.
- Hi.
I'm a person.
I live up on Main Street.
Well, heck, me and the gang, we're gonna come down and come to the grocery store, the zero-packaging grocery-- - So that's not a joke, huh? - No, it's not a joke.
This is a regular store with zero packaging.
- What's the rat poison situation? - Sir, this a brand-new store.
- We do not use rat poisons.
- Yes.
I'd like to eat something Sorry.
I'm looking at this tie my wife bought me.
Do you have any little holes and ways to get into the store? There is a vent that blows out hot air.
Thank you very much.
Yes.
How awesome.
I think we need to come up with a specific plan.
Ok, we're gonna go in.
We forage and gather and we gorge later.
Look, I'll just say this.
Everywhere we've gone, we've planned on carrying things and storing for the winter and putting it in this hole and leaving it for later.
- We never do it.
- Yeah, we're not squirrels.
Even when I'll promise, like, "Hey, guys, this time, let's try to save so we don't have to do this every time," as soon as we get there, we freak out, we jump all over each other.
We're eating chocolate bars I mean, let's just enjoy it for what it is and just eat.
Ok, but we need to finalize the plan.
John's gonna go to the left.
You're gonna go over to the yogurt pretzels.
You're gonna start there.
Unpackaged foods! There he goes.
- I don't trust him.
- Nope.
Oh, my god.
- A light just came on.
- Oh, no.
Ok, here comes the broom.
Oh, he's not gonna make it.
Uch, there he goes.
Swept out the door.
- Could've been worse.
- You want to go home? Oh, man, that was insane.
That was insane.
You can't control yourselves, huh? Typical rats.
Welcome, guys.
Thank you so much for coming to the PTA meeting.
Next Friday, don't forget, is the canned food drive.
I want to bring something up really quick.
Uh Sorry to interrupt, but I'm also not sorry to interrupt.
Uh I don't know if you guys are aware, but there is music here in this library available to our kids that is something that leaves a lot to be desired.
It is just outrageous.
Yeah, thank you.
I think what Brendan is saying-- and good job, honey-- is that there are specific albums that absolutely should be banned from this preschool like Mike and the Mechanics, which, in my opinion, is a horrible album and one that we do not want our child listening to.
I'm sorry.
I'd just like chime in here, but, um, you're really overstepping your bounds here, ok? I don't want to cause a rift, but "The Living Years.
" That was a single by Mike and the Mechanics It's a great song.
It's a prime example of mid-'80s pop.
- What that is is a gateway to other mediocre pop music.
- Yeah.
"The Living Years"-- that song is poetry.
Don't you want your child to be sensitive? It's poetry in the same way "The Greatest Love Of All" by Whitney Houston is poetry.
It is pabulum.
It is juvenile.
They're accomplished musicians and really kind of honed their craft in the mid-'80s.
What does musicianship matter? For the Sex Pistols, with the Ramones, with The Clash-- was that about musicianship? No, it was about fury.
- I like The Clash.
- I'm sure you do.
"Rock the Casbah.
" You know, the classics.
- There's earlier stuff.
You know that, right? - I do.
I know.
"Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?" Classic.
It was the first one.
It's the same album.
That's "Combat Rock.
" - Everyone knows that.
- Yeah.
She probably likes "Rock 'N' Roll High School" by the Ramones.
- We all know that.
- Let's be honest we're not talking about our tastes in music.
We're talking about what our kids love, what our kids are into.
But our kids also don't really know what they like yet.
Actually, they do, because they can pick and choose whatever they like-- - From your record collection.
- Yes, ma'am.
- You start small, like, with Harry Nilsson.
- Yes.
With some simplicity, and he knows what I'm talking about.
Let's talk about Krautrock, Kraftwerk, Noi.
- Why aren't we talking about Noi? - What is Krautrock? - I'm sorry.
- You don't know Noi? I am getting very stressed out that the head of our school does not know about about Noi.
These are the people teaching our kids.
Our kids are sponges, and when they leave here, what they listen to now will affect them the rest of their lives.
Hey, is this where we're donating records? Yes, it is.
Come on in.
I've got-- Oh, god, what do I got for you? Talk Talk, the "Back to the Future" soundtrack, um, I've got Temple of the Dog, um - I don't want my kids stealing bread.
- No? Uh, no.
We're good.
Thank you very much.
That's so nice of you.
Thank you for donating.
- Thank you.
Some other time.
- All right.
- Thank you.
- Love those unanimous votes.
Fantastic.
Ok, so next week is Gender Swap Day.
Uh, Chief Wiley, thank you so much for having us and for your time.
We've been talking to the mayor about all the public relations problems and-- We understand that we've come to a time in Portland where people consider police officers a little bit of a nuisance.
- We don't think that-- - We don't think that.
We've gone ahead and redesigned the police uniforms in an attempt to get people to think of the police in a new way.
The people who work in this department love their uniforms.
True, but still, this softens it up a little bit so that we're happy, the public is happy, and you guys are happy, because then there's no intimidation.
You can go-- We'll show you.
I think you're gonna really love it.
- Please, just take a look.
- Ok.
Tom.
Inspired by Portland's spectorate culture, this plain-clothes look says, "Hey, we can hang out at a coffee shop, or if you do something bad, you can hang out in jail.
" The t-shirt simply says "PPD.
" Some people know it as the Portland Police Department, and we've also heard it as Please, please, damn it.
Up next, we have Felicia.
There's not many places to put the gun, but she won't need to carry a gun 'cause she can arrest with those looks.
Hands up? I don't think so.
It's hands down the best.
Last but not least, we have Annie.
Badges? We do need some stinkin' badges.
These clothes will get you arrested and are arresting, and that concludes the Portland cop uniform redesign.
Thank you, Annie, Felicia, Skye, Tom.
Guys, come out here.
Yeah.
Whoo.
Great job.
Who's this? It might be the mayor in his new mayor cape.
What do you think, huh? What do you think? Hmm-mm.
Well, that was thrilling.
I have an idea.
Starting here, starting now, why don't you police this town? Take your little outfits, go out and catch some bad guys looking like a damned idiot.
Ok.
All right, well, you heard the man.
- He said you police the town.
- How hard can it be? What do you do, you just go around and go, "Hey, what's going on here?" - You've got it.
- Is there a problem here? - Is there a problem here? - Let's get to work.
Reporting for duty.
Let's hit the streets.
You heard something and you saw what you wanted to see.
It's the dark, it plays tricks on people.
Three blind mice Betsy, it sounds good.
The guitar sounds really good.
Hey, Betsy.
You know Betsy? - Yeah.
Hi.
- How you doing? I've seen you around.
I'm Lars.
- Yeah.
Lucy.
We've met before.
- Hi, Lucy.
- How do you know Betsy? - Uh, from D.
C.
- Me too.
- Oh, that's crazy.
Yeah, I lived there for kind of a while.
- Do you know Ian who runs the label? - Yes.
He's got that other band now, but for a while, he had those other 2 huge bands.
Yeah.
So do you know the other Ian? He was in Nation of Ulysses.
Yes.
Do you know Dante? He had the restaurant for a while.
And you know Zack? Moved to New York.
Which Zack? - Barracus.
- I was talking about Zack Sally.
- Zack Sally I know very well.
- I know Zack, too.
We were very close.
- Barracus.
We spent a lot of time together.
- We were engaged for a second.
- Do you know his 2 friends? - Yeah.
- We live together.
- Yeah.
You know Cathy Yes.
- Then you must know Christina.
Kathleen.
- Yes.
- There's Kim Colletta.
Kim Thompson.
- Yes.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Ahem.
Yes.
- Do you know Brandy? - Brandy, what's going on? Jackson, of course.
We know each other.
Do you know that guy? Um - Do you? - I kind of-- Hey, buddy.
Martino.
Martino.
- Martin, maybe? - No.
I think it's Miguel.
- Hey.
- Lonnie.
Ernesto.
- Clark.
- Francois.
- Greg.
Gregory.
- Steve.
Yeah, I've never seen that guy before.
I've seen him, but I don't know him.
Do you know him? - I don't know him.
I don't know him.
- Do you know him? I don't know him at all.
I don't know anyone that knows him.
Just an unmarked grave.
There's nothing sadder than an unmarked grave.
- If he's dead.
- I'm sure he's fine.
It's real sad.
Just another John Doe.
Anyway, good luck.
- You know John Doe? - Yeah.
- He was in a band with - I know John Doe.
Bad Art Good Walls.
We provide art to coffee shops only.
Oh, yes, it is very bad.
I assure you.
Mm-hmm.
Ok.
- Gigi.
- Yeah, Phil.
Got an order from a new coffee shop - opening up on Hawthorne.
- Great.
So they got about and needs those walls filled with some bad art, so let's see what we got.
How about this? - It's horrible.
I love it.
- Right.
Really boring.
- Can't even tell which side it goes on.
- A blurry dog? That's pretty bad.
The composition's no good.
- I would say throw it on there.
- All right.
- Appreciate your honesty.
- I have something.
- What? - Looks like student photography.
- That's horrible.
- Black man sitting, looking? I want it in black and white.
Oh - There's the one.
I thought we could do a double.
- Yeah.
- Brothers.
Twins.
- I like that.
- I love this.
- Oh, yeah.
Construction? - I mean, that says - Construction.
I was thinking that exact same way.
I was saying it, too, at the same time.
Why don't we go crazy and have some forlorn red-headed women? - I think she's quite sad.
- Is she inside or outside? She's both, so it's nighttime, - and they built a doorway.
- Great.
We should check with Sean.
He came back from an art fair.
- Hey, Sean.
- Yeah.
- We got a new coffee shop opening up.
- Oh, great.
I heard.
I heard the whole thing.
Heard you guys talking.
- Great.
Need some help? - Yeah.
Mind coming over? Sure.
You guys got a lot of bad stuff there, but you know what will make it worse? Music.
This one's pretty bad.
What is that, a guitar? - Sounds coming from the sun.
- So not from the guitar? Nope.
Let me think of what's in my stash.
- Hold on one second.
What about this one? - What is that? Well, it's a really bad painting of a man, but his head is a mug.
Like humor in paintings.
That's awful.
- Yes or no? - Yes.
It has many levels of bad.
This the bathroom.
Where's the bathroom? Espresso machine.
Front door.
Back wall.
- Does this look like a wall to you? - I think we're good.
I mean, maybe this is good like this.
Hold on.
Wonder Barista is here.
Red-haired lady's over here.
Can I have blah-blah-blah? Turn around looking for my table, my friend is here, I'm waving.
Just put it all down for a second.
I feel like it's one of the worst collections we've put together in a long time.
I agree.
I think we're close.
I don't think we've nailed it yet, guys.
I think we're close, and I don't think we've nailed it yet, guys.
- Did you just say that? - Yeah.
You guys, I think we're pretty close, but we're just not-- we haven't nailed it.
I want it to be good.
- I want it to be bad.
- Precisely.
I know.
Got it.
Guess what came in the other day.
Oh, wow.
Wow.
Is it Macy? - Macy Gray? - Macy Gray? Um, I think I think it's the champion.
- It's Muhammad Ali.
- Really? This is what's gonna fit.
This is it.
That's it.
Excuse me? I had a question.
How much is that painting? You know, that one? Sherman Helmsley.
Excusas, we're getting some complaints about the volume of your music.
- Come again? - Portland police.
Turn the music down.
I'm the Burnside police.
- Oh, do we have that? - No.
He's being a wise guy.
You know, we like music.
We're fine with it.
I like that volume.
But there's-- - What do you got against skateboarders? - Nothing.
- You guys need to learn how to approach people.
- Thank you.
We designed these.
- Ok, you know what? - We were sick of the old uniforms.
Can't believe what Portland police have turned into, man.
We're sorry.
Look, we're cool.
- Just turn it down.
We'll go home.
- You don't look very cool.
No--Really? I mean - We are cool, actually.
- Heads up, guys.
Stick it! Aah! Ok, you know what? That was sick.
Sick.
Are you sure you're police or not, like, leading some marching band or something? Oh, very funny.
Just please turn it down.
- You want me to turn down this music?! - Please.
Thank you very much.
What? Come on.
Turn that down.
Turn that down.
Come on, buddy.
Come on, man.
Please? We don't want any trouble.
Please.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Yeah, we'll go back to the regular uniforms.
That'll be the best.
Three blind mice See how they run See how they run They all ran after the farmer's wife Who cuts off their tails with a carving knife Have you ever seen such a thing in your life The three blind mice