Samantha Who? s02e05 Episode Script

one of the nice things about having best friends is that they are with you through the good times and bad.
it means you can kind of check in with them to see how you're doing.
tonight i can tell that it was one of the good times and that i'm the only one who's sober.
no! no! boo! oh,no! boo! shh.
listen,be quiet.
there is a police car behind us,okay? i hate that feeling i get in my stomach when i see cops.
i know.
it's like,"why you gotta be rolling up on me,5-0?" right? oh.
everyone gets that feeling.
you didn't even do anything, and then you start to think, "oh.
i think i did something.
" yeah,but you guys know that you didn't do anything.
i might have done something.
i st don't remember if i did anything.
ugh.
no,just relax.
ten and two.
ten and two.
ten and two.
i'm cool.
he knows.
Samantha Who S2 ep05 they're gonna send me to prison.
you pulled over after one block.
how bad could it be? i don't know.
i don't know.
i mean,i-i-i might have a record or-or-or an alias.
i might not even be the person that i don't remember that i am that probably would have come up when they revoked your license.
i'm gonna get shanked.
okay,you know what you should do? call your brain doctor and see if he'll write you a note.
i'll starve in prison.
i saw this mie once where steve mcqueen actually had to eat a spider.
it was a centipede.
well,in that case,yummy.
why don't you just find a lawyer, see if he can reduce the charges? andrea's doing it right now.
w- you-you really want andrea handling this? she's on it,todd.
why are you getting tense with me? no,i'm not getting tense with you,okay? i'm just tense.
so instead of sitting here, telling me all the things i should be doing, can we just take a few seconds to talk about how much this sucks? okay.
yes,this sucks i know.
so you know what you should do? - todd! - what? i don't know why you bring up a problem if you don't want a solution.
ma you don't understand me at all.
you don't understand me at all.
i am not getting on that plane,todd.
but you're the one that wanted to wake up in the morning and see paris.
you seriously thought that i was gonna go to europe on a flight with a layover? i wanted to see paris,todd.
i didn't want to see paris d houston.
disposal's broken.
should i fix it or just tell it how much that sucks? i'm sorry about paris.
we didn't wake up to see paris.
oh,that's okay.
it was more your wish than mine.
you know,it's a shame that,uh, you're in the remembering phase of our relationship, because i'm more in the "trying to forget" phase.
oh.
okay,well,then while you're at that, maybe you can try and forget that i put artichoke leaves down the disposal.
so what is it? what's the verdict? it's not good.
oh,my god.
i'm eating centipedes.
i got your file.
okay,a few drunk and disorderlies.
you punched out an ex-boyfriend.
you stole a christmas tree from a house.
okay,well,come on.
come on.
what did i get? i tried my best.
i am so sorry.
so that's it? jail? worse.
community service.
really? doing good is what i wanted.
ha ha! joke's on them.
picking up trash by the ghway for a hundred hours- does that sound fun to you? well,maybe not that.
- what do they offer indoors? - jail.
give me that.
ah,here's one- "neighborhood workbench- rebuild homes in struggling neighborhoods.
" perfect.
um,hi.
i'm here to help.
hi.
hi.
i'm allison.
we're always happy to have a new volunteer.
oh,great.
name? samantha newly.
oh.
court-ordered.
over here.
so,uh,what can i d i,um,i-i-i kind of have a great eye for desi and,um,also,i was a real estate professional,so i worked on a lot of really big commercial projects.
okay.
i've got a lot of experience, so i really am good with all of this.
i need you to sort these nails.
oh,no.
see,i-i-i came here to hp with everything, no,i just want to help.
oh.
okay.
then why don't you help sort these nails? okay.
welcome to the bad kids table.
yeah,no,um,actually,that's not- i didn't sign up for this part of it.
no offense.
i-i think there's some sort of mix-up.
i just kind of thought it was gonna be,like, nonstop making a difference, but someone won't let me.
all right,well,you can help me.
thanks.
come here often? three times- shoplifting,punched someone at a wedding, and,uh,there was a little mix-up over using someone else's identity.
apparently,if i don't get my act together, next stop is jail.
no.
you know what? was just like you- i mean,sort of- but i'm not anymore.
i- i was-i was hit by a car, and i-it changed my entirlife.
change.
i'm just so over people telling me i can change if i put my mind to it.
i- i'm sorry, but not everyone's lucky enough to get hit by a car.
hi.
i'm samantha newly, and i will be your car.
beep,beep! i won't do that again.
so then i told my manager,"you know,i'm not cleaning that up," and he's all like,"fine.
you're fired," and i was like, "fine,and you're sleeping alone tonight.
" damn it.
it's my stupid roommate.
um,i better answer this.
isn't she great? yeah.
she's great.
come on.
let's ditch her.
no.
no,we're gonna help her.
who? help what? oh.
i'm in.
we're gonna help natalie turn her life around.
oh.
what? no.
again? why do you have to worry about saving the whole world? no,no,no,no.
i'm not.
i just figure if i save one person oh,my god.
why n't you just become a nun? and then aleast i can laugh your funny outfits.
look,she deserves a chance,okay? i got one,and all i want to do is just pay it forward.
you hated that movie.
you threw your flask at the screen.
all right,she says she doesn't have a job, so i'm figuring,why don't we just help her get a job so she has a sense of accomplishment? i'm sorry.
can you guys pay for these drinks?i need to cash out.
what? i just did.
i just put the money in the how's that little project going there for you? you know,it's easy to help someone who doesn't need help.
this just proves that i have chosen well.
pay this forward.
i will pay you back.
oh,mr.
chapman,i- what am i saying? i don't work here anymore.
i can call you "chase.
" chase,i-yeah,no,i can't.
i wanted to,um,i wanted to talk to you about a job.
oh,isn't that cute? I>=k how they all come crawling back.
can't have it.
well,it's not for me.
it's for my friend natalie.
and,uh,if i wanted my job back,you'd give it to me.
- really? - mm-hmm.
so what kind of job does this natalie want? and f.
y.
i.
,if you came back, you have to take a pay cut.
entry level,and you'd give me a raise,if anything.
well,we can try in the mailroom.
i'd offer you 5% top that's it.
mailroom's great,and i'd get 10% or nothing.
all right,i'll meet her,and you're hired.
- thanks,and i quit.
- good meeting.
i think it's rude that we just drop in on samantha.
we should have called first.
well,then it wouldn't be a surprise.
you want to ruin her fun? oh.
hi,guys.
hey,todd.
sorry we didn't call.
that's why this is so much fun.
sam's not here.
uh,i was just fixing the sink.
oh! could i help? i thought we came into the city to shop for ethnic spices.
- todd? - well sorry,regina.
the boy needs my help.
well,mr.
newly,hey! hey,natalie.
hi.
come here.
i got good news for ya.
- now listen,last night,i- i started thinking about - you have a job interview.
dena.
dena.
i had a whole speech.
sorry.
it's just really exciting.
yeah,well,now it's ruined.
well,wait.
a job interview? for real? yeah.
yeahfor real.
don't cry.
i'm not.
oh,okay.
but now you're making me feel really weird about stealing from you guys last night.
oh! now you're gonna make me cry.
really sorry.
we're still light 5 bucks.
i had to take the bus,all right? see,look at that.
you're changing already.
i'm sorry.
it's just,um,no one ever really does this stuff for me.
i mean,they say they will,but i don't know.
they usually bail by now.
maybe it's 'cause you steal from them.
i promise you,i am not gonna bail on you,okay? now let's talk about your interview today.
what do you-what do you think you're gonna wear? this got me the job at the taco stand.
we'll swing by a store.
what'd you do to this thing? well,i unhooked it,took it apart, stared at it,then you showed up.
well,the are better ways to impress samantha than destroying her kitchen.
oh,impress sam? no.
no,no,no,no,no.
we're not together anymore.
well,that's too bad.
i was rooting for you two.
- really? - yeah.
thks,you know,but that ship sailed a long time ago.
well,the world is not flat.
ships come right back around.
no,we're just friends.
if you were just friends, you wouldn't be saying you were just friends.
you know,i got a friend named larry, but i never say that larry and i are just friends.
i think it's great she wanted to pick out her own interview clothes.
yeah.
yeah, she's-she's showing initiative.
she didn't even want us to go in with her.
she insisted we not go in.
that we wait at the curb.
so,uh,did she ever say why she got community service anyway? oh,just various things.
punched a bride robbed a store shoplifted.
she's stealing.
yep.
we're the getaway car.
what a you doing.
no.
getting o- getting out of here.
i don't want to be the getaway car.
okay,listen.
just-can we just hang on for a second? we don't have any proof, so let's just,you know,just think about it.
okay,she used to rob stores.
she's in a store,robbing it.
if she was robbing it, she'd be out already,okay? you're in,you pistol whip the clerk,you're out.
- i don't want to throw my life away over your project.
- well,you know what? - i don't want to be like everybody else in helife.
.
- i have a perfect driving rerd.
- and bail on her because i promised her - i don't want to- all right,I's go.
"let's go," like we have to get out of here as quickly as possible, like we might be chased? no,"let's go," like we have an interview to get to in half an hour,so let's go to it,all right? so what'd you snag,um,buy,uh what did you purchase? this.
i don't know.
does it make me look old? oh,that's nice.
yeah,where's the bag? when buy things,they put them in bags.
haven't you ever bought shoes and just worn them out of the store,huh? but she wasn't wearing the jacket.
well,maybe she didn't want to wrinkle it.
no,so she stuffed it in her backpack.
she was just trying to be environmentally conscious,okay? - trying to reduce her carbon - okay,why don't you have a bag? can you pull over,please? - huh? - now! do it.
wh? oh,god.
god.
okay,take the car.
you know,we-we haven't seen your face.
nalie,natalie,what are you doing? you guys think i stole this stuff.
i'm out.
no,i do not think that you stole it.
we just kind of thought you accidentally took it a little, just without paying for it.
okay,well,then why do i have a receipt? look at it.
you know you want to.
okay,i knew this was gonna happen,okay? this is why my life is so messed up, because people make up their minds about me, but no matter what i do,they always bail.
no,i'm not bailing.
i'm not bailing.
i- i-i had a moment of doubt, yes,but you know what? it's like a bone that breaks.
when it heals,it heals a lot stronger than it was before.
not if you break it the right way.
then it stays broken.
oh,okay.
good to know.
i'm sorry.
right now i really am.
come here.
come here.
let's get you to that interview,all right? come on.
- dena.
- no.
dena,unlock the doors.
unh-unh.
sometimes sam just drives me crazy.
like the other day,she comes in,all upset about this thing, and i'm trying to give her advice, and she started yelling at me.
and i'm sorry.
i can't keep talking to your feet.
okay,we're all done.
well,thanks for doing this.
sure.
my advice? don't try to fix her again.
i know.
next time i'll call a plumber.
no,i'm talking about samantha.
a woman is not a sink.
you try to fix them, and they hear th they need fixing? you're done,pal.
no,all you gotta do is listen, nod occasionallynd say "i'm sorry you feel that way" and you're good to go.
so you're doing something without doing anything.
it sounds like a trick.
no,the trick is to show them that you're listening.
yeah,it's a- it's a gesture.
it like when regina and i were dating.
she said that she wanted a ferrari someday, so i listened,i nodded,and i went out and i bought her a toy car,a little matchbox deal.
i said it was just until i got her the real thing.
r hey.
didn't hear you knock.
i had key made while i was out.
samantha keeps forgetting to give me one.
did you have fun? no,it was awful.
i went to four different stores.
they were all out of saffron.
so buy some on the internet.
i don't want to buy it on the internet.
i wanted it tonight.
you're just making it worse.
oh,god.
honey,i'm sorry you feel that way.
i just wanted to,um, first off,say that she is so reliable and such a good,good girl.
- i really think - sam.
oh,right,no,of course.
no,thiss your interview.
yours.
knock 'em dead,little one.
i'll just be outside,okay? all right.
so- smile.
eye contact,all right? - um - let your light shine.
- newly.
- i know.
so why did you leave your last job? she doesn't have to answer that.
next question.
okay.
um,where do youee yourself five years from now? what is this? whats this? she has to be a fortune-teller now? i mean,where do you see yourself in five years, you know? what's with all the questions,man? is this a game show or something? she's a little rough around the edges,all right? she's not perfect.
- so give the girl a chance.
- samantha.
okay,crazy pants,take it easy.
- can she do the job or not? - yes,i can.
oh.
yeah.
no,she can.
really? great.
you're hired.
oh,my god.
you did it! i got the job.
you got the job! - oh,my god,girlie,girlie! - you let that light shine.
okay,for the love of god.
so we're gonna start you off in the mailroom.
and then you show up at human resources on monday, and then we'll-we'll give you an i.
d.
badge.
- no.
- yes.
no.
no.
- what are you doing? - no,8:00 is way too early for a job.
- no,it's fine.
i wake up early all the time.
- what is she,a pig farmer or something? come on.
nobody should work under those kind of conditions.
that's draconian.
sam,i'm fine.
sam,i want the job.
okay,i understand that.
this interviews over.
- i'm really sorry.
- she's just joking.
she's so joking.
thank you so much.
she quits.
she quits.
so,uh anybody want to work ever? no one? really? i could have gotten here by 8:00.
i mean,i-i don't know, maybe i just wouldn't have slept the night before.
you do not talk.
- what is your problem? - this is my problem.
i paid for this,okay? they left the tag on.
you saw the receipt.
i paid for it.
reallyreally? - let me see it again.
yeah,yeah.
i don't know where it is.
- why would i know where it is? - what? a frozen yogurt.
yogurt! yo-yogurt.
yogurt.
yogurt.
we're gonna go get some yogurt.
somebody aced her job interview.
yeah,it's going really,really well.
you want to go get some with us? .
maybe,yeah yeah,i'm sure you can't,though.
you got a lot of work to do.
oh,you pressed "3.
"here we are.
see you later,sweetie.
see ya.
bye.
- okay,maybe i accidentally bought- - i- i-i-i-i-i don't care,okay? i'm done.
give me the jacket.
give me the jacket.
- i will take it bk.
- yep.
crap! let's go.
we have to get out of here.
no.
what do you mean,no? they're gonna put us in jail.
- no,they're gonna put me in jail.
- what are you talking about? well,shut up,and i'll tell you.
now remember i said i got a second chance because i got hit by that car? well,here's your car.
listen to me.
what you do now is up to you, but what you cannot do ever again is use the excuse that everyone is always bailing on you.
now go.
go.
seriously,the back door is over there.
thank you.
sam,run for it! i sang like a canary.
right here.
i did it.
yeah,me.
this never happens when i rescue newfies.
sorry! dena,please say something.
i'm so sorry.
- i just- i did it because i really- - i know.
i know.
because you're good.
you know what i'm good at? holding my pee for 12 hours straight.
didn't know that before.
thanks! oh! they are so cute.
i can't decide.
if i don't take both of them, do you have to put one of them down? did you come here to bail us out or to gloat? i think i just answered that question.
andrea,please let me out.
i really have to go.
- really - yeah.
oh,don't do that.
let's go.
you're sprung.
ooh.
okay.
okay.
i'll jusdo it.
just leave me here.
i'm a loser.
no,no,no,no,no,no.
no,i'm not a loser? no,i mean i'm not going to listen to this.
i posted bail.
i've done my part.
i codn't even change one tiny person.
no,not that tiny person.
she didn't want to be changed.
look at me.
i've tried to change you for an entire year.
you're just not cooperating.
maybe i should have just run her or.
you know,it's not too late.
do you have your car here? enough with the car.
this magic car that suddenly changed your life- did that car help you quit your job? no.
did it move you out of your parents' house? no.
did it run that 5k for heart disease? you still owe me 50 bucks for that.
oh,my gosh.
every single day since you woke up from that coma, i have to hear about how hard it is to make these choices.
and now you're gonna say it's all because of some car.
you should market that thing.
the good-mobile? there you go.
you're right.
i do work hard.
it's really,really hard being this good.
no kidding.
it's exhausting just watching you.
come on.
another great thing about my friends are that they are patient.
they understand that i'm just learning things now that i should have known a long time ago, like how the only person you can really change is yourself.
see,the thing is, if you're so busy worrying about other people that you're t paying attention to your own life, you might miss out on something really,really important.
that's why from now on, i've got to keep my eyes on the road ahead of me, stay focused on my own path.
it's not always easy,but it's worth it.
listen up,people.
if you happen to come across a body part, don't forget to use your emergency while.
but i don'have to worry about anything because no matter where that road takes me, i know i'm gonna have my best friends right beside me keep movin'.
not here to make friends.
just doing my time.
even if they have to be by law.