Schmigadoon! (2021) s02e05 Episode Script

1
[UPBEAT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING]
Go on. Eat. Eat! Or you're gonna get it!
Orphans getting to eat ♪
Cleavers sharp and ready for meat ♪
Lovers being adored ♪
Others feeling ignored ♪
And a villain plotting crimes ♪
Welcome to Schmicago ♪
Where the breakers of the law go ♪
Sinister and sleazy ♪
Leaving's never easy ♪
Welcome to ♪
Schmicago ♪
Hey. Don't worry. You're gonna be great.
[SIGHS] Are you sure
we shouldn't just leave?
Not without seeing you on stage.
Go out there and knock 'em dead.
- [INHALES SHARPLY]
- I love you. You're gonna be great.
- Oh, hi, Max.
- Hi, Mel.
[CHUCKLES]
- Hey, Melissa.
- Hey, Fred.
Gimble! Where have you been?
Mr. Kratt has been very disappointed
by your absence the last few days.
Yes, I'm sorry, Madam
Frau. But I am here now,
and I'm ready to be the best chorus
girl you've ever seen just blend in
and follow the others when
she forgets her choreography.
Not so fast.
I need you to take
the matinee solo slot.
The solo slot? But isn't that Jenny's?
- Jenny's not here. You are.
- Yeah, but, I mean, Jenny's a star.
She's perfect. And I'm
On in 30 minutes. So you in or out?
Okay, I'll do it.
I am ecstatic.
[PIANO PLAYING]
[PIANO PLAYING CONTINUES]
[INHALES SHAKILY]
I've never been the
girl who gets attention ♪
I've never been the
one who got the part ♪
Believe me, there's no honor ♪
In honorable mention ♪
But I've made it an art ♪
I've never been the type
to take the spotlight ♪
Some girls just seem to know how ♪
Me, I've got a knack ♪
For hiding in the back ♪
But maybe it's my turn now ♪
Once I lay around and languished ♪
Had a wicked case of the blahs ♪
All those days in agony I anguished ♪
They got put on pause ♪
When I heard that applause ♪
I've never been the type
to take the spotlight ♪
Some girls just seem to know how ♪
But maybe tonight ♪
If the timing is right ♪
Maybe these frightened feet
wll sneak into the light ♪
Yes, there's no more "maybe" ♪
'Cause, baby ♪
It's my turn now ♪
I've never been the type
to take the spotlight ♪
Some girls just seem to know how ♪
But maybe tonight ♪
If the timing is right ♪
Maybe these frightened feet
will sneak into the light ♪
Yes, there's no more "maybe" ♪
'Cause, baby ♪
It's my turn ♪
Now! ♪
[INHALES SHARPLY]
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
[CHEERING]
[CHUCKLES]
[WHISTLING]
- Peace and love, Josh. Hey. [CHUCKLES]
- Hi, Josh. Peace and love.
Hey, everyone. Uh, peace and love.
What's up?
- Nothing.
- What's up with you?
Not much, just heading home.
- Cool.
- Cool. Great.
All right. [STAMMERS] See ya.
[SMACKS LIPS] Can I
help you with something?
Marisa, what happened to your foot?
[MICHAEL] She stepped
on a piece of glass.
I was trying to hug a butterfly.
Ooh, don't do that. They don't
like it. Uh, let me take a look.
Oh, that's not too bad.
Somebody get me some soap,
water and a clean cloth.
- Where's Topher?
- [SIGHS] Who knows?
That cat doesn't have
time for us anymore.
Not since he hooked up with her.
Jenny. Right.
Oh, thank you very much. [CHUCKLES]
Listen, it's, uh, new love. Trust me.
Once the novelty wears off,
you'll be seeing Topher again.
[GASPS] When will that happen?
Well, they're, um,
pretty young [SIGHS]
and [GROANS] very sexy.
- It could be a while.
- You're so wise. [CHUCKLES]
[ALL CHUCKLING]
Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT] Um, there.
You can stand on that now.
I can walk. I can walk!
- [LAUGHING, CHEERING]
- [MUTTERS]
He healed the lame! It's a miracle!
- [STAMMERS] It's definitely not a miracle.
- Lead us! Tell us what to do!
Tell us what to do, and we'll do it!
What? [STAMMERS] No,
I'm I'm not that guy.
- Really.
- [CHANTING] Tell us what to do!
Tell us what to do!
- [ALL CHANTING] Tell us what to do!
- Please stop chanting that!
You don't understand. [BREATHES
SHAKILY] We need a leader.
- And you're smart
- So smart.
- And And kind.
- So kind.
You can't just spend your lives
following anyone you
think is smart and kind.
- See? I didn't know that. I'm stupid.
- So stupid.
- Guys, please. I Every
- [MARISA] Please!
- Please help us!
- Lead us!
- We're so lost.
- We'll do anything you say!
- [MICHAEL] I have drugs!
- [MARISA] We love you!
Okay, I guess I can
give you a few pointers.
[CHEERS]
It starts with just a taste ♪
But then needs to be fed ♪
And suddenly the dreams
you've chased ♪
Are chasing you instead ♪
As more fans join the fold ♪
Your humdrum life recedes ♪
The road you're on is
paved with gold ♪
But who knows where ♪
Who knows where it leads ♪
Melissa! ♪
How does it feel to
be their fantasy? ♪
Feels great!
It was a rhetorical question ♪
Josh! ♪
Can you live up to all
that they want you to be? ♪
Is that also a rhetorical qu
Yes. Yes, it is! ♪
Another damn rhetorical question! ♪
Fame, fame ♪
You don't stay long ♪
But we're oh-so glad you came ♪
Fame ♪
We're oh-so glad you came ♪
And my people say ♪
Hey hey, Josh ♪
Oh, my gosh ♪
Give me your head to anoint ♪
Give me your feet to wash ♪
Hey there, Mel ♪
Looking swell ♪
How does it feel to
be famous as hell? ♪
Now we're kaput ♪
Someone stole my doorway ♪
Oh, they're good enough to eat ♪
Kill them all! ♪
Two birds with one stone ♪
I'll drink to that ♪
- It starts with just a taste ♪
- [SINGING INDISTINCTLY]
But then needs to be fed ♪
- And suddenly the dreams you've chased ♪
- [ALL HARMONIZING]
Are chasing you instead ♪
I'll drink to that ♪
Fame, fame ♪
You don't stay long ♪
But we're oh-so glad you came ♪
Fame ♪
We're oh-so glad you came! ♪
And the people say ♪
Hey hey, Josh ♪
Oh, my gosh ♪
Give me your head to anoint ♪
Give me your feet to wash ♪
Hey there, Mel ♪
Looking swell ♪
How does it feel to be famous as ♪
Famous as ♪
Famous as hell ♪
- [VENDOR] Here you go.
- Ooh, thank you. How much?
- Ooh.
- Please. It's my honor.
- Oh, thank you. Okay.
- [JOSH] Mmm. [CHUCKLES]
[JOSH] So is this what a
happy ending feels like?
We-We've racked up some wins.
We got Jenny away from Kratt.
Happy ending.
We got Jenny together with Topher.
- Mmm. Happy ending.
- We got Dooley together with Codwell.
Ending. Comma. Happy.
But we did not bring Kratt
to justice for Elsie's murder.
I'm starting to think
that was a red herring.
- Yeah, right? 'Cause we didn't know Elsie.
- Mm-hmm.
- [JOSH] Hi there.
- [MELISSA] Hello.
And Miss Codwell's being so
much better to those orphans now.
Yeah, and I wonder what kind
of ending that qualifies as.
You know my favorite part
of singing at the club?
When I'm on that stage, I
feel like I can do anything.
Like I feel strong and gorgeous.
You are.
That's how I feel about everything
I've been doing with the tribe.
I think I might actually like teaching.
A-And I feel like we're starting
to really make a difference.
It feels good being part of something
bigger than myself, you know?
So happy ending?
Looks like it.
I bet the leprechaun would say we
could go back to the real world now.
- Maybe tomorrow.
- Yeah, what's the rush?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- [SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
- [JOSH CHUCKLES]
Oh, hey, you guys.
You two have a lot of
nerve showing up here!
[JOSH STAMMERS]
What do you mean?
You betrayed me ♪
You egomaniac ♪
You swooped right in and swiped my
tribe and stabbed me in the back ♪
I didn't ask to lead them ♪
It is they who chose me ♪
Is that supposed to make me feel better? ♪
'Cause it doesn't ♪
It makes me feel the exact opposite ♪
- Oh, okay.
- You betrayed me ♪
[JOSH] Topher.
You're like a sour macaroon ♪
A sour macaroon ♪
A sour, dour, almond flour ♪
Sour macaroon ♪
- A what?
- I thought you were my friend.
- I am! I don't
- Oh, really?
Because a true chum wouldn't steal
someone's starring role at the club.
Okay, I I get it now. No, no, I
can see how it might look that way,
but, Jenny, I didn't steal your spot
We are sorry. W-We [INHALES SHARPLY]
We were just having so much fun
that we got a little carried away.
Oh, so much fun that you
just forgot to think about us?
No [STAMMERS]
I'm Jenny, I'm so sorry.
- Get out!
- But we live here.
Get out! ♪
Out.
I'd be delighted to put you up.
Wha Thank you so much, Miss
Codwell. We really appreciate it.
Mind you, it might be
a little bit crowded
with all these orphans running around
for a couple of days, but we'll
have loads of room soon. [SIGHS]
Oh, uh, why's that?
Miss Codwell?
Why aren't you eatin'?
You're so nice to us and take
such good care of us and
give us such good food.
Well, yes. Course.
We scraped together all our
money and bought you a present.
[CODWELL] You shouldn't have.
- [ORPHAN 2] We want you to have it.
- Really.
Go on, open it.
It's empty.
The ribbon is the present. Here.
Course the ribbon is
- Thank you. Thank you very much.
- Aw.
Now let's get back to eatin'. All of ya!
[JOSH] Heya, Dooley.
Just, uh, wanted to let you know
we're gonna be bunking
next door for a few days.
Do what you like.
Whoa, that's a lot of knives.
Yeah. [BLOWS]
- Josh, look at all those knives.
- Yeah. That is a lot of knives.
Gonna need a lot of knives.
Why's that?
Is that a a new meat grinder?
Yep.
- That's a big grinder.
- [MELISSA CHUCKLES]
Thought you couldn't get any meat.
Ooh, did you get a new supplier?
Nope.
Then w-what do you have
such a big meat grinder for?
[JOSH] So none of this seems odd to you?
- [MELISSA SIGHS]
- [JOSH] None of it?
- [SIGHS]
- Will you stop?
Trust me, there is
something weird going on.
[SCOFFS] Yeah, Miss Codwell's weird.
- Dooley's weird.
- [SIGHS] Mmm.
That's why they're
the perfect love match.
- Now shut up and go to sleep.
- Mmm.
I have a 12-show day tomorrow.
[SIGHS, EXHALES DEEPLY] Okay.
We have to investigate.
[CHUCKLES, WHISPERS] Hey,
I feel like I'm on the cover
of a Nancy Drew book.
Will you take this seriously?
How can I take it seriously if I
don't know what I'm looking for?
Wha I don't know. It's
a Something like that.
It's a butcher shop. He's
gonna have sausage casings.
Or that.
He's just keeping track of how
much his girlfriend's orphans weigh.
For their Christmas presents?
Or that.
[MELISSA] Oh, my gosh.
Say it. Say it.
They're gonna They're gonna
turn orphans into sausages.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm! Now who's crazy?
We did this. We brought them together.
[CODWELL] And we're
eternally grateful for that.
- [CHUCKLES] Gorblimey.
- [JOSH, MELISSA LAUGHING]
You really thought we
were gonna hurt you?
- Well, I mean, we had
- Well, uh [CHUCKLES]
just discovered your, uh,
secret, evil,
murder-cannibalism plan, so
- [CHUCKLES]
- It's He was holding that big cleaver.
I always carry my cleaver.
I feel naked without my cleaver.
Honestly, we're not monsters.
We don't murder people.
- Just orphans.
- [JOSH STAMMERS]
Well, orphans are people.
- Not in this state.
- Okay.
- Dooley, I can't stress enough
- [BREATHES DEEPLY]
you cannot turn orphans into meat.
God made them meat. I'm just
making them into sausage.
- Oh, no.
- I see what's going on here.
- It's a classic case of projection.
- What?
[STAMMERS] Dooley wants to
kill Kratt, but he can't,
so he's projecting his
rage onto the orphans.
[STAMMERS] That's
definitely not projection.
'Tis true. Kratt is the
man my blade hungers for.
Kratt's blood is the only thing that
can slake my thirst for vengeance.
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
But I can never get close enough to him.
So these orphans will have to do.
Okay. Maybe you can't get
close to Kratt, but Melissa can.
- S What's that?
- Sidebar?
- [MELISSA STAMMERS] Uh-huh.
- Mm-hmm.
I can't believe we
didn't see this coming.
This guy is obviously Sweeney Todd.
Even I know Sweeney Todd kills people.
I told you. I couldn't sit
through Sweeney Todd.
[AUDIENCE GASPS]
Hey-oh. [WHISTLES] Do you want to
stop Dooley from killing the orphans?
- Yeah, of course.
- Then give him Kratt.
You got that creepy old man
wrapped around your little finger.
It would be no problem at all
for you to get him to a quiet
place, alone and unprotected
But then I'd be delivering
an innocent man to his death.
- [GRUNTS, SIGHS]
- Oka Well, not an innocent man,
a murderer.
- Probably a multiple murderer
- Mm-hmm.
- who tried to frame you [INHALES DEEPLY]
- Yeah.
and has a terrible record
of environmental infractions.
- Mm-hmm.
- But does he deserve to die?
- Yes.
- But does he really?
- Yes.
- But does he rea
You have to stop saying that.
But do I really?
[SIGHS] It's
Do you have anything to suggest?
I'm on break, man.
- [JOSH CHUCKLES]
- [MELISSA SCOFFS]
- [SIGHS]
- Maybe he won't kill him.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Mayb No
- Mm-hmm, hmm?
- Maybe if we put Dooley and Kratt
in the same room, Dooley won't kill him.
[STAMMERS] Maybe they'll
just talk and hug it out.
That seems barely plausible.
- It's good enough for me.
- All right.
- Dooley. I'll deliver Kratt to you.
- [JOSH CLEARS THROAT]
Who knows what'll happen?
And in return, you must
promise not to kill the orphans.
What about turning them into sausage?
N-No, that too.
Miss Codwell, I know how much
you want these innocent
children to perish,
but Kratt is my destiny.
- Whatever makes you happy, Mr. Blight.
- [CHUCKLES]
Hmm.
[PATRONS CHATTERING]
[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
No! Go.
- Double martini.
- Rough day?
Pretty much the same
as every other damn day.
I know the feeling. [SIGHS]
I was wondering, how many?
How many what?
How many broken promises until
you are the one that's broken?
We both made choices.
We thought we knew how
things would work out.
We thought we'd get what we wanted.
We were wrong.
You want a twist? [SIGHS]
There's always a twist.
When it begins, it's always good ♪
But then it goes on and on ♪
[BOTH] Much longer than
you ever thought it would ♪
Just when you feel connected ♪
[RIVERA] Here comes
something unexpected ♪
[BOTH] There's always a
twist that you've denied ♪
You try to resist and
save your pride ♪
But there's always a twist
that twists you up inside ♪
Buppa buppa bah ♪
Buppa buppa bah ♪
Buh-bup puh-duh buh! ♪
Pow! Pow! ♪
[FRAU] They'll promise
you the stars and moon ♪
But then put you off ♪
[BOTH] And off and off and off
and off with "Soon, babe, soon" ♪
[RIVERA] Just when you
think you've got 'em ♪
Then you're right
back at rock bottom ♪
[BOTH] There's always a
twist that you've denied ♪
You try to resist
and save your pride ♪
But there's always a twist
that twists you up inside ♪
Twist you up, twist you up ♪
Twist you up, twist you up ♪
Twist! ♪
[BOTH] Choices you've
made will always haunt you ♪
You feel betrayed
but how they want you ♪
Nonchalant you're never gonna be ♪
Will, will, will ♪
Never will ♪
- When it begins it's always good ♪
- [CHORUS] It's always good ♪
- But then it goes on and on ♪
- [CHORUS] But then ♪
Much longer than you
ever thought it would ♪
[BOTH] Just when you feel connected ♪
Here comes something unexpected ♪
Pow! ♪
- [RIVERA, FRAU] There's always a twist ♪
- That you've denied ♪
- You try to resist ♪
- And save your pride ♪
[RIVERA, FRAU]
But there's always a twist ♪
That twists you up inside ♪
- It twists you up ♪
- Twists you up inside ♪
- It twists you up ♪
- Twists you up ♪
Inside ♪
[PIANO PLAYING]
- You sure you can do this?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. No problem.
It's not like I'm leading
a man to his death.
- Just his comeuppance.
- [SIGHS]
Yeah.
[SIGHS] Dooley's in your
dressing room by now.
Yeah.
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
[LINE RINGS, CLICKS]
Hey, sexy.
Uh, thanks again for all
the flowers. And the candies.
And the poems about my
feet. [CHUCKLES] What's new?
[KRATT] Nothing. You?
Oh, nothing much.
I'm just feeling a little lonesome.
How about you?
I suppose I am a little lonesome too.
Well, then let's do
something about that.
[MELISSA GRUNTS]
You've been getting my roses.
Moses supposes I have.
[CACKLING]
Ah, Kratty, you're too,
too hilarious. [CHUCKLES]
Thank you. What did I say?
You deserve a little treat.
I have something special waiting
for you in my dressing room.
[WHISPERS] Won't he mind?
[MELISSA] Oh, I'm not worried about him.
This is Schmicago! I wanna enjoy myself.
- In that case, I'm at your command.
- [MELISSA CHUCKLES]
Mmm. Trust me, you won't be sorry.
I'm incapable of feeling remorse.
Oh. [GIGGLING]
[KRATT] I just need to
get something from my car.
Your car?
Mel.
Melissa!
[TIRES SQUEALING]
- [CLICKS]
- You're coming with me, punk.
Where are you taking me?
Wherever I want.
To do whatever I want. It's
always about whatever I want.
That sounds bad.
My dear, what could possibly be bad
about a man and his wife
wanting to be alone together?
I'm not married to you.
You will be. Or Mr. Skinner dies.
There's always a twist.
Fame, fame ♪
You don't stay long ♪
But we're oh-so glad you came ♪
Fame ♪
We're oh-so glad you came! ♪
And the people say ♪
Hey hey, Josh ♪
Oh, my gosh ♪
Give me your head to anoint ♪
Give me your feet to wash ♪
Hey there, Mel ♪
Looking swell ♪
How does it feel to
be famous as hell ♪
Now we're kaput ♪
Someone stole my doorway ♪
Oh, they're good enough to eat ♪
Kill them all! ♪
Two birds with one stone ♪
I'll drink to that ♪
- It starts with just a taste ♪
- [SINGING INDISTINCTLY]
But then needs to be fed ♪
- And suddenly the dreams you've chased ♪
- [ALL HARMONIZING]
Are chasing you instead ♪