Scrubs s02e05 Episode Script

Work's different now I'm a resident.
I feel more confident, more like a, hell, I'll say it, a doctor.
Good morning, people.
- You're gonna be fine, ma'am.
- I work here.
Doesn't change the fact you're gonna be fine.
Why in the hell are you wearing a coat? Cos I'm a doctor.
Babs, if you're worried about people seeing your ass, do what all the other girls do and tie a sweater around your waist.
I look doctorly.
You look like the guy who buys a bronze star, pins it to his lapel and tells everyone to call him Sarge.
Nobody likes that guy.
Not a soul.
- I was in the military.
- Where did you come from? If I find out you're wearing a bronzy without having served, I'll make things uncomfortable for you.
Coat-wearing doctors do not take this crap.
- You were never in the military.
- Yes, I was.
- Which branch? - The janitor branch.
I'm watching you.
That's right, Sasquatch.
You see, things have changed.
We've begun to adapt to new situations.
My back is on fire.
If Dr Amato was any shorter, I'd be passing him instruments with my feet.
Dr Turk, I need you down here.
Coming down.
Even other people are starting to see us differently.
Hey there, Doctor.
Oh, me? Of course, because I'm a doctor.
I've got the outfit.
I've got the heart-hearing thingy.
Stethoscope.
Paging Dr Know-it-all to the cafeteria.
Oh, sweet baby James.
Most importantly, we've started to treat each other with respect.
Dude, you're such a loser, man.
I look spiffy.
I'm trying to separate myself from the pack.
You already have.
You're the biggest geek to come through here.
- Yeah.
- Don't laugh.
- You're a frat boy with a back problem.
- Yeah, I am.
Oh, do me, do me, do me! Be careful about yelling that out in a bar.
You guys get to be something.
The Dork, Jock, firecracker from the School of Hard Knocks.
No offence, Carla.
Damn it, what am l? - You're white.
- The whitest.
- Yeah, you are.
- Oh, come on.
JD's white.
I ain't hearing that woman cos I'm talking to him.
OK, it's a tie.
T-Diddy? You got me in the lCU for a cold? Mr Blair, you have a sinus infection with orbital extension.
You were admitted delirious from your 1 06-degree temperature, naked and very adamant about staying that way.
- I was hot.
- I'll second that.
- Sharp coat, sport.
- Yeah, it's spiffy.
Shocker! You care more about appearances Finish that thought quickly.
I'm not breaking my gait.
substance, style, what's important, coat, not - Too slow.
- I think you really got through to him.
My God, you hear like a bat.
Idiot.
I wish I had a guy that would stop me before I did something stupid.
Mistake! I don't know why he's an opera singer.
Listen, Tiny Dancer, I wouldn't be flapping my mouth if I'd forgotten to get a blood culture on Mr Blair.
And for the love of God, do you at least remember what you were doing the day they were passing out common sense? Maybe you were running late cos you couldn't find the right thong for those low-rider jeans you love.
Maybe you were bopping along to whatever boy band makes your heart race and you just drove on by.
I don't know, I'm just guessing.
But one thing's sure.
You wound up at the dumb-dumb store and put about as much of that in the car as you could fit, didn't you? And then I did something I've never done before.
If you flipped the page you'd see that I pan cultured him yesterday, but that would spoil the pleasure you take in pointing out people's slip-ups.
Too bad, Buster Brown, I'm a resident now, I'm not gonna make the same intern mistakes I made last year.
I'd appreciate if you wouldn't yell at me in front of my patient.
Buster Brown? Focus all energy on lip not quivering.
- How's the back, sweetness? - Perfect.
I'm sorry the last couple of nights I haven't given you the Turkey-Jerky, but rest assured your man will be back in action before you know it.
You take your time.
Hey, big fella, we're together on a thyroidectomy this afternoon.
- Could be a long one.
- Oh, that's great, Dr Amato.
- How was that not funny? - I don't know, dude.
You guys are getting to be like Starsky and Hutch.
If Starsky was a ventriloquist and Hutch was a puppet.
I would watch that.
Why do you keep getting him? The other surgeons are busting my chops for skipping guys' night out.
Dr Amato's your punishment? No, I enjoy needing you to lower me on the toilet in the morning.
Check that out.
It looks innocent, but Elliot was late this morning.
Once you've been here a while, you learn to read between the lines.
Mrs Bumbry, I wish I had better news, but you didn't qualify for the Gl clinical trials, so we'll keep plugging away.
Great.
So how was the sex with that guy? What guy? I wasn't I Elliot, I have other patients, Mrs Bumbry needs a nap.
We're all very busy.
I've never done anything like this.
I just met him and slept with him.
God, I miss one-night stands.
The best thing was, since I knew it was just a fling, I wasn't afraid to ask him for exactly what I wanted.
- Which was? - Shirt on, lights off, no talking.
Well, you just be careful.
You wouldn't believe how quickly a reputation can be made in this hospital.
You're a bit of slut, aren't you? As soon as we get out of this sterile field, I am going to need the man who hit that to hit that.
Wait a minute, I'm Elliot Reid.
People, listen up, this rumour ends right now.
She slept with him and she hardly knew him.
- Does that happen a lot around here? - Not enough.
That infection keeps hanging around, so I want to put you on a broader- spectrum antibiotic intravenously.
But I'm feeling better.
I'm gonna tell you something my mom used to tell me when I was scared.
In the case of sinus infection not responding to antibiotics, the recommended protocol is imipenem, 500 mg, lVQ, six hours.
Got me through a lot of hard times.
I love it that Mr Blair trusted me.
It's one of the best feelings you can have as a doctor.
- How's it going? - You can't wear that.
- You mean after Labour Day? - You know what I mean.
It's a white coat.
Anybody can wear a white coat.
Jerk.
You're what we call "a goner.
" I'm kidding.
There's nothing here.
So Mrs Bumbry here has inflammatory bowel disease, huh? And the drug they're testing at the clinical trial could help.
But she doesn't qualify.
You OK, Mrs Bumbry? I liked Bow Wow when he was Lil' Bow Wow.
Rappers, they grow up so fast.
If you're gonna survive in medicine, you've gotta accept rules are rules.
Anyone from that clinical trial around? Hello! Hello! This lady's supposed to be in this trial.
- OK.
- What the hell did you just do? When you speak of this, and I know you will, could I be shirtless? I think it would be even more impressive if I was shirtless.
If you're a criminal, even if you aren't afraid of Starsky, if a Hutch puppet jumps out at you, "Freeze, sucker!" you're done for.
Does it have a real gun or puppet gun? - Puppet gun.
They'd sew it to his hand.
- OK.
I'd watch that.
What's up, fellas? I don't care what hospital you go to, surgery is still a boys' club.
I'm just as cool as those guys.
Bye, Turk.
T -Dog, settle a medical debate for us.
I think Elliot's got a modest rack at best.
But my favourite attending here says when he was tuning in Tokyo, the reception was excellent.
Elliot's a friend of mine, so I don't want to talk about that.
So, Dr Turk, how is your back? My back's as swollen as Elliot's big-ass breasts.
- I was paged.
- Patient's complaining of anosmia.
Anosmia? I always thought it was very funny that losing your sense of smell was called anosmia.
Anosmia, you know, like Schnozmia.
Don't you find that very funny? - He doesn't.
- I'm calling Dr Cox.
- Nobody needs to call Dr Cox.
- This is only temporary, right? Of course it's temporary.
Could also be slightly more untemporary.
You mean permanent.
Just when you think you have this place figured out, it finds a new way to get you.
I'm waiting.
Unfortunately, you've put us in somewhat of a legal bind.
Way to go, T ed.
Good God, man, you couldn't scare a child.
Who would want to? Do you have any idea how much money this hospital makes from that Gl trial into which you enrolled your patient? I'm gonna go ahead and guess $7.
Sometimes it comes right at you.
Keep smiling, tough guy.
First I'm gonna Finish that thought, Bobcat, cos I'm not breaking my gait.
- What are you looking at? - Nothing.
Sometimes it sneaks up on you.
When she dated JD, she'd just wear a T-shirt in the morning.
So every time she reached up high for the cereal, everybody got two scoops of booty flakes.
The two scoops, they were packed with flavour.
You know what I'm saying? Right? Right? Right? I told you I didn't want these antibiotics.
When your first grandkid is born and you smell his head, call me and tell me how great it is.
Mr Blair, I'm sorry this happened.
Sometimes it hits you in places you didn't know you were vulnerable.
Yeah, well you should be, it's your fault.
No more silly medical mistakes, huh? Nice going there, Newbie.
Damn.
Ted, you seem different.
I bought some relaxation tapes.
They're working.
A patient's blaming me for losing his sense of smell.
God, you cut off someone's nose? Where is it? Do you have it on you? You're disgusting.
No, I just gave him lV imipenem.
Kelso's gonna blame me.
Just get rid of the nose.
I don't have the nose.
Maybe you should calm down.
- Maybe you should calm down! - My bad.
Imipenem.
"Unlike gentamicin and tetracycline, imipenem has never been associated with anosmia.
" My God, we're OK.
Great.
Thank you, Ted.
- It's my birthday.
- What? Nothing.
And many more Elliot! Come on.
It's so tough to be a surgeon.
If you're not in, you're out.
Dr Turk.
Down here.
I saw you switched off on our exploratory laparotomy this afternoon.
Yeah, it's because l I had to - It's because I'm short.
- You're not short.
I know I'm the surgical assignment booby prize, but if my other choice is being in that boys' club, I'd rather they made fun of me.
- What could they possibly make fun - Stop it.
It's possible to be a good surgeon without playing their game.
- You're really short.
- I know.
No, Dr Murray, I don't want any fries to go with this shake.
- I don't even know what that means.
- Excuse me.
You want to ask me how many ceiling tiles I've counted? Maybe you want to call me a name like tramp, ho or slesident, which is half slut, half resident.
- No.
- Then what is it, Noelle? - I want to know where the G-spot is.
- The what spot? For the 1 00th time, you had nothing to do with me getting involved in the Bumbry case, but for God's sake, the bigger problem facing us now is how do we get you to stop annoying me? Yeah, I'm the problem.
Can't you just for once stay out of your own way? Can't you for once not be such a busybody? Oh, sore spot.
- What spot? - Sore spot.
Damn it! The next step is to find out what did cause Mr Blair's loss of smell.
- Hey, pal.
- Excuse me, Doctor.
Oh, no, I'm not a doctor.
I'm a janitor.
Oh.
I just assumed because of the coat.
Right.
Well, janitors wear white coats around here too.
You guys do a great job keeping this place clean.
- We thank you.
- No, I'm a doctor Look at the books, woman.
Is that a man's back? Check out who I have assisting Dr Rumpelsurgeon.
You know what? His name's Dr Amato.
That girl you slept with, her name's Dr Reid.
- You should show them some respect.
- Yeah? Says who? Says me.
- Dr Kelso.
- Carla.
You look as good as I feel.
Mrs Bumbry's 53.
Mrs who is what? The patient Dr Cox got into the Gl clinical trial.
She was disqualified because her chart said she was 63 and the cut-off is 55, but the genius who admitted her got her age wrong.
She's actually a perfect candidate.
And Dr Cox knew this? - He knew the whole time.
- Fan-damn-tastic.
You better do the heel-toe out of here because you know I'm going to take this out on somebody.
Bye-bye.
May I join you? By all means.
Knowing I was right and he was wrong, I thought I'd enjoy this walk more.
I couldn't help but empathise cos I'd been there and saw the signs.
The shameful averted gaze.
The nervous shifting.
And, of course, the wild, uncontrollable urination.
I'm thrilled you approve, but, for the last time, I'm up here.
I'm up here.
- You were wrong.
I was right.
- I beg your pardon? Anosmia isn't a side-effect of lV imipenem.
Plus, Mr Blair had nasal polypectomies and septoplasty and his loss of smell is caused by manipulation of his sinuses and the infection, so I didn't make a mistake, and you were wrong when you said, "Nice going, Newbie.
" Here you've put me in a tough situation.
I can't honestly decide whether to say "duh" or "doy" or a very sarcastic, "Oh, really?" My God, Fiona.
I know it wasn't your fault.
The patient probably knows.
But he seemed a little distraught.
Maybe being able to blame somebody for a second might make him feel better.
And, I know, maybe it's me, but doesn't that seem like something that goes along with wearing that fancy white coat? It does, doesn't it? - Kinda.
- I'm so proud of you.
Put it there.
The tarantula.
That girl asked me to give her my top ten sexual positions, and after the two that I knew, I started naming insects.
That really sucks.
I'm sorry.
I'm not sure.
I mean, I was mad at you at first.
But it's actually kind of empowering to have this persona, this identity.
I'm not just some nameless, faceless white doctor, I'm Elliot Reid, Tramp.
Well, that's great.
If you're happy, I'm happy.
The weird thing is she said she'd already tried stink bug.
I still don't know why I was desperate for everyone to know it wasn't my fault.
Dr Cox, Dr Kelso has something he wants to say to you.
So I hear there was an age mix-up, that I was unaware of, and anyway - You're OK.
- I'm sorry.
I guess it comes down to how we want to be seen by other people.
I proud of you, Robert.
Put her there.
I think it's important you understand I had no idea how old that patient was.
For the record, she could've been 1 70, I still would've stuck her in that trial so fast it'd make your teeth fall out all over again.
- That's perfect.
- I would too.
Some people want to be seen as the rebel.
Some people just want to be seen, period.
Some people have limits on how far they'll go to protect their image.
- Dr T urk, I need you down here.
- Coming.
When I stopped worrying how other people saw me I started to look better.
Mr Blair, I just wanted to say again that I made a mistake and I'm sorry.
- It's all right.
- Good luck.
Come on, baby.
Let's see if we can find you a ride.
Laverne! Careful.
So we're done with the coats? It was a fun day, though, wasn't it? See you tomorrow.
Maybe tomorrow I'll get a bad haircut and push round a mop all day.
I know.
You don't have to do it, OK? Mistake! Yeah.