Shameless s02e05 Episode Script

'Now nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate is the garden of Eden 'but it's been a good home to us - me, Frank Gallagher, 'and me kids who I'm proud of, 'cos every single one of them reminds me a little of me.
'They can all think for themselves, which they've me to thank for.
' - Run! Run for it! - Leg it! 'Fiona, who's a massive help, 'Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him Philip now, 'lan, a lot like his mam, 'which is handy for the others cos she's disappeared into thin air, 'and Carl - we daren't let him grow his hair 'cos it stands on end and makes him look like Toyah and nits love it.
'Debbie - sent by God.
Total angel.
'You've to check your change but she'll go miles out of her way to do you a favour.
'Plus Liam - gonna be a star once we've got the fits under control.
'Sheila, me bird.
Couldn't be happier One plate short of a full set, like.
'Fantastic neighbours Kev and Veronica.
Lend you anything.
Well, not anything.
'But all of them to a man know, first and foremost, 'one of the most vital necessities in this life 'is they know how to throw a party! 'Scatter!' 'Joining Cheryl and Bernadette on the science scholarship to America 'is a lucky man from Manchester.
'The first ever to achieve unanimous acclaim from the judging panel.
'Ladies and gentlemen, Philip Gallagher.
' Are you bothered about this, or what? Sorry, I was miles away.
'Do you ever get that sinking feeling when something good happens? 'One bit wants to believe your luck's really changed.
'Another bit keeps saying it's all going to go to tits up any minute.
' You don't need window locks round here, you need a shotgun.
Prevention is much more effective than cure.
Stick your name down.
I'll send round the crime prevention officer, and you can get them fitted for free.
For free? Yep.
Oi, you can't just take 'em.
He's just told me they were free.
You need a home visit first These are just for display.
Hold the fort.
Fiona? Fiona? Look, I'm sorry about, you know, Steve.
Do you fancy driving out somewhere for a drink? The Black Swan maybe? lt might cheer you up.
I'll call you later, yeah? - Going to let 'em get away with that? - Oi! Come back here now.
Come on! Quick! 'Winning a science scholarship in a school 'blacklisted from the league tables wasn't easy.
'But I did.
So fuck 'em.
'Snag is, I had to cover my own expenses.
'I'm working round the clock doing other people's homework for cash, 'which isn't hard, except for' Fuck's sake, I'm trying to do some work.
So, it's not our problem.
You should stick to doing your own homework.
I'm only doing everybody else's cos I need the money.
Get a proper job like me, if you need the money.
Not if I have to shag the boss up the arse.
That's enough, everybody stop.
I'm off to Sheila's.
Go on.
Go on.
Go on.
Go on.
lt's ready in a minute, babies.
He's done it! He's done it! Daddy's a winner.
Hey-hey! - What! - My pink slip.
Accumulator.
lt's cost a few bob.
I thought you lot were meant to be going out.
Sorry, love.
Frank, if you've got time, will you pop into Lena's? I promised to mind her house while she's on holiday.
Sorry, love, I have to go and see Gerry at the Jockey about a job.
- lt's all right, Lip will do it.
- Good luck! Lip, do us a favour, nip round to my friend's and watch her fish while she's away? Key's on the dresser.
Forget something? Shampoo.
I left my purse at home.
Shampoo? Come on, Debs! You're nicking from Kash? Thought the daft Paki wouldn't notice? I wasn't nicking, just borrowing.
I bring them back the next day.
lt's not a public library! You shouldn't be watching this stuff anyway.
I don't watch them, I only copy them.
lf you get caught, it's nothing to do with me! Got anything with vampires in it? Or zombies, or kung-fu? Debbie's in her room, go on up.
My mum was fuming.
She was watching Blade, and Wesley had his shirt off.
Next minute it went all fuzzy, and Basil fuckin' Brush came on.
What does she want instead? Horror, kung-fu, or she wants her money back.
Take your pick.
Have an extra one for three nights for half price.
Check it out properly.
lt's coming out of your money.
Carl, where's that new one? We've got tons of new releases.
Have a good rummage.
Molly's tape.
The King.
Fiona.
Can I come in? Are you OK? Anything I can get you? Cigs? Booze? Red Cross parcel? Carl, have you checked Lucy's mum's tape yet? 'I'm getting wet just thinking about it.
'I hope you're ready to perform for me.
' 'Uh-huh, baby.
Are you ready for the King?' 'Come and enter my Heartbreak Hotel, baby.
' 'I want to introduce you to a friend of mine, darling, from Mississippi.
'Be tender, don't be cruel, that's my job.
' What? 'Fuck me every which way, you old hound dog.
'That feels good.
Hallelujah, Hallelujah.
Ow, ow, ow.
' What film's this? lt's meant to be Lucy's.
That's Lucy's mum.
The lollipop lady? Watching your own mum and dad? Sick.
That's not her dad.
He's in prison.
Do us ten copies, see if you can shift a few.
'I'm caught in a trap, baby.
' Make it a dozen.
Sorry, love.
Forgot you were here.
I left one of me books.
Try under your dad.
He didn't get that job.
lt's really knocked his confidence.
Coming, coming.
Just remembered where I left it.
- See ya! - Bye! Hi.
I've got some new films.
You two will love it.
Hot stuff.
See you later.
Billy, come on, I've got some new videos for you.
Yeah, what do you want? lt contains material of an adult nature.
Hiya, are you all right? All right.
Hiya, Debbie.
All right? lt's a cracker.
See you later, enjoy.
See ya! Debbie, what are you doing? Debbie, does Fiona know where you are? Are your minds open to the truth? Good.
I've been trying all week to tell people that the Lord is the only truth we need.
Have you got a few minutes? Sorry, Debbie, crime doesn't stand still for anyone, you know? Hello, hello.
What are you doing in my house? Out, or you're getting this.
No, no, no I've called the police, they're on their way.
Two minutes, they'll be here in two minutes.
Just wanted somewhere quiet to work.
- Just fuck off! - This wasn't me.
Nowhere to hide, scuzz.
Put it down.
Look, it's nothing to do with Bottle, down.
This wasn't me.
Look, you've got it wrong.
Fat bastard! That is assault.
Piss off.
This is resisting arrest.
Unit two to control, we've made an arrest.
> Oi, keep it down! Shut it, you bastards! lf nobody answers after 50 knocks, it tells me they're not fuckin' in! - For fuck's sake, Tony! - Do you know where Fiona is? Gone out, probably to avoid stalkers like you.
Give her a break.
Home-grown? Who's in it? Molly Connor with some guy with a taste for dressing up.
Molly Connor? Remind me.
You know, ''Mind your backs, children passing?'' The lollipop lady.
Oh.
But isn't her old man Yeah, five years for GBH.
Shaz reckons it's not him.
She's running a sweepstake.
First to name the boyfriend gets a hamper and a trip to the brewery.
I'd hate to be the fella when the hubby finds out.
Funny as fuck though! - Treat yourself, Frank, come on.
- Sorted! Have you seen Fiona? - No.
- Shit! You, you're coming to the nick with me.
lf it's about them tax discs Lip's been arrested.
He needs a guardian.
He won't want me, he'll want Fiona.
Nicked for what? I can't, I've got a job interview Course you have, Frank! You're either coming willingly or All right.
Hang on.
Your son is charged with aggravated burglary Take the fifth.
No comment.
.
.
and with resisting arrest.
He's saying nothing till he sees a lawyer.
Mr Puffin is your son's lawyer.
Him?! Fuck me! All right.
The most serious charge facing your son is that of assaulting a police officer.
Say nothing.
Schtum.
Jesus wept! You said you only whacked him once.
What with, a mallet? I didn't do that.
I can't have.
You sure about this, Neary? Go on, it make it count.
So, you told your father that you struck this officer.
Yeah, but in self-defence.
Look at the size of the cunt.
- Shut up! - Eh? Charge him - theft, assault and resisting arrest.
Whatever little bleeding problem it is I'm not dealing with it, right? I went out for a drink, I'm knackered and I'm going to bed.
What you lookin' at? Call this justice? You wouldn't know justice, if it bit your tits! I'll see you in court.
Hey, Fiona.
I've done my best, but they've stitched us.
They're keeping him in.
What's that about? You didn't let him say anything, did you? Just a little bit.
Couldn't you wait, you useless git? Even you should know that.
Oh, great.
I rushed down here to help out, for the good of my eldest son, my first-born, and where the fuck were you? I couldn't find you.
I had to settle for this joker.
Oh, fucking charming! Where do I sign for expenses, loss of income and all that? What I see as a priority You're fired! Fuck off! Have a bath! Who's good, any ideas? Billy Thomson got us off that hit and run during a driving lesson.
That's because the instructor had a breakdown before he got to court.
lronic or what? Our family use Old Man Jacks.
Yeah, and how many of them are behind bars? Who's the Yorkshire one who's never lost a case? Um, you know, did the triple murder in the barn.
Proved it was the priest and not the husband.
lt's Kavanagh, Kavanagh QC! I've forgotten the mini rolls.
What kind of legal secretary would I make? Lip didn't burgle that house.
He twatted a cop and said so on tape, or rather you did.
- lf anybody else blames me, I'm off.
- Dick! Somebody must know something.
Let's start asking round.
Starting with who? I don't know, but if we kick enough of them, someone's going to say something.
KlLL! What's it like in prison? Third time's not so bad.
The first scared me shitless.
Everyone's after your arse.
Food, fags, stamps, mainly your arse.
Petrocelli, I used to fancy him rotten.
Lived in a trailer.
Oi! Get me out of here! Oi! ls there anybody there? Hey, you! - Talk.
- What about? Don't fuck about, Carl! I want to know what you know.
Nothing.
Help yourself here, Carl.
You knew the keys to that house were at Sheila's, didn't you? No.
Well, yeah.
I took them, but I didn't mean toI swear.
Don't tell Lip, please Go on, talk.
Me and Trogs went round to watch a video for a laugh.
Vince turned up with his mates.
All right? I told him to leave stuff alone and they just took everything.
Get the microwave.
Smash it! Get the video! Grab it, go on! Look for some money! Me and Trogs legged it to take the keys back.
We didn't know Lip went back to get them.
You won't tell the others, will you? Go and get it all back.
They'll kill me.
This is all your fault.
What you gonna do about it? I don't know.
What do we do? We?! There's no fucking we! I'm not going round there.
I am.
He needs sorting.
We need to talk.
lt wasn't me.
Yeah Get in.
I've been waiting for hours.
I've got to get home to see me wife and take the dog out for a piss.
Do you hear me? Come on.
Never mind ignoring me.
Mr Gallagher, you'll receive a letter advising you of the court dates.
Check your possessions, sign there.
Fiona, these are all lawyers that the custody officers think are twats, meaning they're fine.
Did you speak to Neary? Well? Kiss my big hairy swingers, you fucking loser! Thanks for trying, Tony.
Thanks for bringing him home.
Pull your finger out.
What's it to you? You're not even family.
Fiona deserves better than this.
lf it's down to me to sort it, I'll sort it.
You think she'd look twice at you, you fucking psycho.
Psycho.
ls Debbie in? Sorry, Lucy, she's gone already.
Can I give her a message? Can you tell her I gave her the wrong tape? - My mum went spare - it's her wedding video.
- I'll pass it on, don't you worry.
Well, can't I leave you alone for one minute? lt's a few tapes for some friends.
They can't afford brand-new.
I do some for old people, too.
They can't get out much and a cripple.
lt's as close as he can remember to what they took.
Memorise it.
This is what you're looking for, OK? The place will be full of knock-off.
FUCK OFF! We only want what's on the list.
lf she gets her stuff back, she might change her mind and drop the charges.
Marty, are you sure you've done this before? Of course.
Right.
Who lives here? Chugs.
- But who'll be sleeping there? - His brother Vince.
Vince's mate, Tel.
And maybe Vince's bird, Shaz.
God! She's fucking evil.
lf she wakes up, leg it.
What if someone does come? You keep a lookout, I'll do the rest.
Any trouble, we'll torch the place.
No-one's going to torch anything.
You promised.
Give me your matches, Marty.
I don't want to go.
Please! He's gonna be no use to anybody.
He comes or who learns lessons from this? How's he going to live with himself, if he just bottles out? You've got eyes, haven't you? lt's his fault anyway.
Carl! Hang on to him! I know what'll wake him.
Wide awake club! - What are you giving him? - Speed.
- Marty! - Wakey, wakey! Well, he's slow at the best of times.
They're safe enough.
Come on.
Wake up! Where the fuck is he? Getaway car's sorted.
Now we're talking.
Good thinking, Marty.
Right.
One elephant, two elephant, three elephant.
Fucker spunk! Ninja assassin! Quiet! Get us some more stuff.
Arsehole! I've got some fishing rods, put them in.
None of this stuff's on the list.
Where's the woman's stuff? Ski boots.
On the piste! Who's there? Go, go! ls there anybody there? Faster! Marty, watch the bastard cars! You've got all the wrong stuff.
You're absolutely fucking useless! You didn't get a thing on the list.
You just panicked.
What was that great big robbery you said you'd been on? Fucking Oxfam shop? Fiona's gonna go spare.
Fiona! Hiya, Carl, you're up early.
Didn't go to bed.
Got to level seven.
Zombies.
Killed loads.
AK-47.
Ran out of health in the graveyard.
Still got second highest score, though.
See you.
Hey, you don't have to go to school, you know.
Stay home if you need some time to yourself.
I'll have plenty of time to myself soon.
lf you talk like that, you're going to wreck what time you have.
Yeah, sure.
Five days.
This just came.
The first hearing's next Monday.
They'll keep me in, Fiona.
You know they will.
lt's not been our month, has it? We're gonna get you out of this mess.
Hey, when have I ever let you down? Liam, what are you doing with that fishing rod? Mum, I've got fish.
Fish! Have you got a fishing licence for this bedroom? What's up? You'd all be better off, if I was back in prison instead of Lip.
Don't say that, Marty.
We're all doing our best to keep him out.
What's with all the junk? I did it for you and Lip.
For me? Did what? This.
I tried to nick the nurse's stuff back, but it all went a bit tits up.
We? Who's we? Me, lan and Carl.
We did our best You did what? You took lan and Carl on a burglary? And then you've got the nerve to say you did it for me.
Are you mad? Just listen, will ya? You're right, you'd be better off in prison.
Where you belong! - Just give us a chance! - This better be good.
We thought if we could get the stuff back, - she might drop the charges.
- And? lt wasn't there.
They must have stashed it somewhere else.
So we just took what we could find.
Anyway, it was lan's idea.
Don't look at me.
He took the key from Sheila's.
The whole thing's his fault.
You did this, Carl.
You bastard.
No, Lip! I never meant for that.
I didn't! Leave it! Shut the fuck up, all of you! How can you all do this? I turn my back for ten minutes, the whole house goes fucking ape.
Don't you think we're in enough trouble? We can't afford to mess up like this.
Do you understand? Do you fuck! Who do you think you're kidding? This isn't about us.
lt's about you and Steve.
lt's about you feeling sorry for yourself.
You feel guilty because you weren't around.
At least Marty was doing something to help.
Shift it, Trogs.
You'll never guess what's happened round at our house.
We've been burgled.
Someone's nicked my grandma.
Who in their right minds steals an urn? How was I supposed to know what it was? lt had ribbons on it.
lt looked like a football trophy to me.
Big Stockport County fan.
Trogs said she wanted her ashes scattered on the pitch, but health and safety wouldn't let her.
So they keep her on the telly instead? Marty! How are we meant to trade her in if half of her is lying on your bed with your porn? Hold it.
Oh, for God's sake.
Lick my Oh.
Phone this number at 5 pm or Granny goes in the canal.
What kind? I'm not very good at accents.
Anything.
Just so they don't recognise you.
I used to do a passable Shirley Bassey.
lt's blackmail, Carol, not Stars ln Their eyes.
Do an accent.
Zese are zey.
No, you listen.
lf you want to see Grandma alive again, you know what I mean? Be at ze Jockey at six, and bring all ze things on ze list.
Ask for .
.
Sven.
Sven's a bloke name.
Oi.
Anyone here called Sven? That'll be me.
DVD player, yeah, yeah, and a cuddly toy.
All accounted for.
- Now, where's me grandma? - ln the ladies, second cubicle.
Gran? Look, please Here's your stuff.
Now, do you believe me? lf you've got my gear, why should I not? Lena, just hear us out.
Lip got the keys to your house from Sheila Jackson.
Fucking mad bitch.
I should have known better than to trust her.
Yes.
We are related.
Lip only came round to feed the fish.
Who fixed the tap in the kitchen, if it wasn't me? Who put money in the telephone box every time I made a call? Not all this stuff is mine.
No, there's some extra bits and pieces to compensate for your inconvenience.
OK.
Bring them in.
Cheers.
- I'm really sorry if I scared you.
- lf? What about you? I crapped myself when you pulled that knife.
I only came round to do some homework, next thing, some copper's beating the shit out of me.
You broke into somebody's house to do your homework.
Other people's homework.
lt's what I do to earn a bit of extra money.
I'm saving up to go abroad.
No wonder the police didn't believe you.
lf I arranged all this lot for you, will you drop the charges? OK.
What are you gonna do about Neary, and the assault charge? Want to know what I'd do now? Fucking great.
''Thanks, Frank, tell us your brilliant idea.
'' Well, stuff you! Go on then, what would you do? Well, if he's that bent, I'd just bribe the bastard.
Brown envelope, full of cash, pay him off, simple.
Brilliant Why didn't we think of that? Oh yeah, we did.
Then we realised we hadn't got enough to buy a packet of fags.
I've got 450 quid.
What? How much? if you promise to pay me back.
You had nothing to lend me yesterday.
Brilliant, Debs.
450.
ls that enough to buy him off, Tony? Maybe, yeah, but it's risky, isn't it? Shut up about risky.
What help have you been? Do you think he'll go for it? Stan? Yeah.
- Pigs, dirty pigs.
- He might.
Oh, thank you, me.
Once again, Frank Gallagher, crisis intervention specialist.
Have you got something for me? What the fuck are you doing? You've got the wrong end of the stick here.
- Shut up.
Keep still.
You're clean.
lt's not mission fucking impossible.
''This pint will self-destruct in five seconds.
'' I'm here to give you a bung.
How much to get him off? I don't know what you're talking about.
I understood you were interested in renting my caravan in Southport for a couple of weeks.
You what? Caravan? I fucking hate caravans.
This is a right cock-up.
Who are you meant to be meeting? You.
You should have got some holiday money for me.
Oh Right.
The caravan.
All right So how How much for a fortnight in the caravan? A grand.
Fuck me.
I fucking need a pint.
He wants a grand.
Tell him no way.
Start at 250, and then go up in 20s if you have to.
Leave it to me.
I can read him like a book.
Up yours, sunshine.
Wait.
I've heard your final offer.
Caravans are more sophisticated these days than Clampetts like you lot could appreciate.
This is all we've got.
Take it.
Just don't let him go to prison.
lt's way short.
But there is a way that you can make up the difference.
Oh, yeah? We could come to some arrangement.
Back of the van now for a quickie, and you can save me a couple on account.
A birdie tells me that you like fucking coppers and car thieves.
Piss off! No deal.
And this just about covers you wasting my time.
Are you OK? I did warn you, didn't I? He's a twat.
Listen, how far are you prepared to go to sort him out, eh? All the way.
Anything.
lf you really mean that, I reckon we could nail him.
Here.
You don't have to do this now, you know.
lt saves all the scrapping later.
Just don't go.
We'll hide you in the roof.
lt worked for Anne Frank.
They caught Anne Frank.
Yeah, but not for ages.
Big prize for the first one to guess what I'm going to do with this? Lip? Philip Gallagher, sarge.
Decided to make a full statement.
A confession? Let's get you in the interview room.
Sergeant Neary, PC Howe - interview room two immediately.
Whoa! What the fuck do you think you're doing? He wanted to talk to us.
lt's amazing what a bit of community liaison can do.
He's mine! Come on.
Get your hands off my tits! You gonna tell me something new or not? Sorry to bother you, but I think we might have a problem.
Why don't you kiss my big hairy swingers.
Here.
Jesus! Stop him! Come on, this wasn't me.
lt's all a fucking stitch-up, sarge! Shut up, Neary.
Mr Gallagher, do you wish to file a formal complaint? That depends.
On? Whether he's saying I twatted him or not.
You're being blackmailed here, sarge.
No, you are, and pretty successfully I'd say.
lt's make your mind up time.
Are you pressing charges or not? Fine.
Fine.
And you two better watch your fucking backs as well.
Come on, you tight baskets.
Get your hands in your pockets.
for a beautiful pair of ladies' ski boots.
Top of the range.
Going to the lovely lady in the corner.
Going once, going twice, they've gone.
She's a winner.
By the way, let's not forget why you're here, what it's all in aid of.
Chatsworth Estate's answer to Ronald Biggs.
The one, the only, at the bar over there, Mr Lip Gallagher! This auction's being held to raise money to send Lip to America, so dig deep.
ls this for me? No.
I'm off out, I'll catch you later.
There's one more item to auction then we're gonna kick off the karaoke.
Can we have a couple of volunteers to get us started? Gonna have a crack, give us your George Formby? I can only do Gene Pitney.
No-one knows who he is any more.
You go.
Now my glamorous assistant, isn't she gorgeous? She's got hold of Lot 41- another brand-new fishing rod and reel.
Who's gonna start the bidding at 20 quid? For fuck's sake, Sheila, you've already got one! One each for later, when they're older, stop the arguments.
She's not daft.
Who's going to give us 25? Sweet Jesus, give me strength! Lip, what are you doing here? Nothing illegal.
lt's my night off, I said you could come and work here tomorrow.
I haven't come to do homework.
I bought you a present to say thanks.
You didn't have to.
I take it you didn't nick it? The receipt's in the box, in case you weren't keen on it.
Thought you could do with the extra security.
I know how to look after myself - normally.
Maybe so, but you need eyes in the back of your head around here.
My boyfriend used to work opposite shifts to me, so the house was always occupied.
You only see each other at tea times? How does that work? lt doesn't.
Listen .
.
Say if I'm out of order, but I'm pretty good in the sack.
And why would I want to know that? Better out than in.
How old are you? I'm off to run a bath.
Like I said, give us a shout if you need a hand with your back scrubbing.
The bath's for you.
Can I have a bit of hush everyone? Don't worry, Anne, it'll be your turn soon.
Ladies and gents, welcome on stage with the voice of an angel and body of a baby hippo, it's PC Stan Waterman! Thank you! That's him! lt's fucking Elvis! Come on, everybody! GET YOUR KNOB OUT! GET YOUR KNOB OUT! GET YOUR KNOB OUT! GET YOUR KNOB OUT! What is it? What?! GET YOUR KNOB OUT FOR THE GlRLS! What? Congratulations.
You're going to be a daddy.
You're gonna be a dad and everyone's going to think it's mine! But she's a fuckin' Maguire! Our one and only daughter and you've turned her into a woman.
Do you want me to suck your tits? Maguire takes it on the chest, beats one man.
WHAT A GOAL! Welcome to the family.
Honest, Mimi, I love her.
You'd better, lan, or your bollocks come off.
Come on, let's get pissed.
'Elvis has left the building! Debbie!