Shoresy (2022) s02e05 Episode Script

1
(upbeat music)
(whistle screeches, music stops)
(Shoresy): Everybody,
listen up, here!
Let's listen up here now.
Yeah so,
even though they've been
real poopy lately
over the Reach For The Top team
(Hitch): B'ys had poopy
diapers luh.
Just a big,
hot dump in there.
The Jims have slingshot back
in a way I think we can
all agree is pretty good.
- You probably thought that--
- What's my favourite
No Doubt song, Fish?
- Sunday Morning.
- Don't Speak.
You probably thought
when you dragged MacPherson
over to the bench,
that the Jims would just
pop him a couple of times,
hey, my guy?
I thought they'd just pop him
a few times, Sanguinet.
- Yeah, and then--
- Shut the fuck up, Michaels.
And then, they pulled him
right into the bench.
(speaking French)
- Right into the pine.
- In a way I think we can
all agree it was pretty good.
Unbelievable.
- Yeah, so Jim?
- Yeah?
- Jim?
- Yes?
- Jim?
- Chapman's really makes
the superior stick, eh?
- The game sticks go to you.
(players clap)
- Hey.
But but
Yeah so, Michaels
for backstopping us
to a 23-game heater.
One game away from something
real shiny, my guys.
And for helping the Jims with
the Reach For The Top team
he gets to eat his stick
before anybody else
gets to eat their stick.
(players clapping)
Fellas, um just--
No, it's not a fuckin'
microphone. Hurry up
and eat it,
so the boys can eat theirs.
Hey! Nat's office.
What if someone
had their dick out?!
I'd puke at the look of it
or laugh at the size of it.
- Oh, my God.
- Let's go.
You've been summoned
by the league.
- Fer what?
- Already?
The Zamboni
wasn't even off yet.
- Phone call or in person?
- In person, tomorrow.
Under no circumstances
may you speak.
We will do the talking.
- Fuck!
So sick of seeing
those broads.
Well, I hope Danis is wearin'
summin' good, she's sexy.
- What?
- Hmm?
- Did he just say
- Danis.
Sexy.
- Fuck you, Shoresy!
- Fer what?
We are looking at getting
our captain suspended--
- They won't sussy him.
- for our record-breaking
game and all you can say
is Danis is sexy?
I think all three
of them are pretty sexy.
Like, if we're gettin' it
all out on the table.
Who said we're getting
it all out on the table?
I've wailed on it
to the thought of the three
of them taking turns on me.
Really?
If I'm wailing on it
and there's no internet
or anything, yeah.
- Talk to me about Danis.
- Well
like, I've never wanted a gal
to rough me up or anything but--
- But what?
- Well, I
wouldn't mind if she did.
- Did what?
- Slap you around a little bit?
- Hmm, put me in a headlock.
- A headlock?
- Or a leg lock.
What the fuck are you
talkin' about, dude?
I dunno, just however
she'd wanna fuckin' do it.
However she'd wanna fuckin'
squeeze me between her legs
or whatever.
I don't fuckin' care.
- We'll pick you up tomorrow.
- Oh, my God!
(Nat): Wait!
- Ho-ly!
- How's Frankie?
- How would you be
if no one liked you?
- You tell us.
- Well, someone likes him.
- The gays?
(Nat): Frankie's calendars
have been so popular
in the gay community
that now they want him
to do an appearance.
(Hitch): What's an appearance,
ol' man?
When a venue pays
you to appear there.
It's a fancy word for show up.
But why don't they
just say that?
So idiots like Frankie
feel important.
- They offered $1,000.
- Pfft, settle down.
He won't come out
of his room, b'y.
- Well, he's gonna have to.
- Nat turned it down.
She says she can make 10 times
more doing it herself.
(Hitch): And what do
that mean, me son?
Gay night at the Coulson.
Starring Frankie.
They should call it
Going To The Dirty Areas.
(Goody): Devastated.
(Hitch): Inconsolable.
He won't come out
of his room, b'y.
They should call
it Man On Man.
What's up, Pam?
What's goin' on?
Fuck you, Shoresy.
Limblifter t-shirt today, Hitch.
- Yeah, you're a fan, Pam?
- I was more into
Age of Electric.
- Remote Control is a good tune.
You should check out
their first record.
- I'd love to.
- Enya is a good track.
Come on, Pam,
why don't you come over
and we'll play the record?
- It is a good record.
Come on over,
we'll play some tunes.
(footsteps approaching)
(Michaels): Boys
I fucked up.
- Well, you're an idiot.
- No, you know how I said
that success isn't success
unless you have someone
to share it with?
- My guy, did you go--
Yeah, I went and saw Mercedes.
(scoffs)
How's she lookin'?
(rap music)
She looks so fucking good.
- She's a bit young but--
- Michaels.
Look, I know, Sanger.
You got a squeezer off the side
of Party Island
in Wasaga Beach, okay? I get it.
But that was then. This is now.
- You wanna talk about now?
- What?
I dropped my buddy off
at her place on my way here.
- Who?
- Augustine.
Ah, you know he'll be
long-dickin' her.
- Yeah.
- My buddy got a blowie
on a boat from her
this summer in Honey Harbour.
- Nice.
- What did she say?
She said she wanted
to take it slow.
That's not what
she said to my buddy!
She said,
"You better get your dink out.
Your cousin's pretty cute, too."
Then she said she wants us
to go see her brother.
Fer what?
We need to repay
our debt to the Policetti's.
Well, one of us better put on
some fuckin' Old Spice.
(R&B music)
Sanguinet.
Why don't you come
sit beside me?
Ugh.
I thought you said that
we could take it slow?
We can. Doesn't mean we will.
You smell good.
So um
it's time for us
to pay our debt or--
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Sanguinet, last year,
the Bulldogs came
to the Policetti's
in need of a favour.
That favour was granted.
Now the Policetti's
need a favour from you.
- A favour?
- That's just the word
I'm using. You're gonna do it.
What is it that
you'd like us--
Shh, shh, shh.
You remember Angelo?
Where's Luca?
This is specifically
for Angelo.
Okay, well, then does
that mean that we're--
Wh-whuh!
Angelo heard that Frankie's
doing an appearance
at The Man Advantage.
- The Man Advantage?
Yeah, Nat's gay night
at the Coulson.
That's what they're
calling it?
Yeah, I would've gone
with Hard On Pucks, but alas,
The Man Advantage. Angelo wants
to go with you guys.
Oh, I don't think
we're all planning on going.
- No, you're goin'.
- I don't think
Frankie will even go.
- Oh, Frankie's for sure going.
Why does he want to go
to the gay night at the Coulson?
Why do you think?
I dunno.
Sanguinet, why do you think?
Ah, there it is. Thank you.
The limo will be outside
at 8:00 p.m.
to pick you guys up.
- Oh, may I speak?
(sighs)
- Yeah.
Maybe uh, we could
grab a glass of wine
tonight together?
Sanguinet's bringing
Augustine over.
You can come up
with him, though.
I have a date with Miig.
Ooh, bring her too.
(Hitch): Frankie!
(Big Sexy): Tit fucker!
(knocking on door)
(Hitch): Jean-Jacques
Francois Jacques-Jean!
(knocking on door)
(Big Sexy): Tit fucker!
B'y he's in a bad way ol' man.
- We'll get him out.
- Hey, you like toast, eh?
The arse is fallin'
right out of 'er, it is.
- Ever have pickles on toast?
- B'ys are lucky he's here
at all. Last year,
he chased Laurence Leboeuf
right back to Quebec.
- Laurence Leboeuf?
(Melodie): Laurence Leboeuf?
She's here?
You're supposed to be
weaning yourself off it.
- Off what?
- Ass.
'Cause we're one win away
from a league record.
- Settle down.
- You gotta fight it a bit,
boys. Let's get fightin' it
a bit in here now.
What are you guys
talking about?
Nothin'.
- No?
- No, nothin'.
Okay.
Fuck, does she look good.
- Looks unbelievable.
- Ho-ly!
B'y it's rare to see a girl
look so good as what she did.
Yew!
Yew-hew-hew!
Let's start exercising
a bit of discipline in here.
Let's exercise a bit
of discipline in here now.
No, nothing.
Okay
- Fuckin' hell.
- Fuckin' heaven.
- And now she's in that.
- Little dab'll do ya.
Boy, they sure know how to
put their best foots forward.
- Feet.
- Feets?
- Just feet.
- Boy, they sure know how
to put their best feet forward.
But b'ys, we gotta get
him outta der.
Well then, maybe bake a cake.
Try to lure him out
with the smell.
If that doesn't work,
do up some taco meat.
You ever had an Indian taco?
Even just beep
the microwave a few times.
That might even do it.
- Where're you goin', b'y?
(Nat): Ready to get your pee-pee
whacked by the league?
Those women can do more
than that to my pee-pee.
Remember, under no
circumstances do you speak.
We'll do the talking.
You better hope they
don't sussy you, slut.
Who's fucking you?
You mean who am I fucking?
Who's she fuckin'?
This is how
he says I look good.
- You all look good.
- Hey, thanks, man.
- Except Ziig.
- Oh, fuck you, Shoresy.
Did you get us a limo?
- Two secs.
- Two secs?
Yeah, Ziig, you gonna ride
with your head out the window?
Schwartzy?
(Shoresy): Shoresy.
Get in.
My brother and I will be here
at 8:00
to pick up Frankie
for The Man Advantage.
- Is it The Man Advantage?
- Yeah.
- Huh?
- I would've gone with Tip In,
but alas, The Man Advantage.
Frankie's feelin'
a little blue.
I don't think he's gonna make it
to The Man Advantage.
(mockingly): Oh, no!
- Yeah, so
- Shorty?
Shoresy.
That's what happens
if Frankie's not sittin'
exactly where you are tonight.
Get the fuck outta here.
(footsteps thud away)
(Aki): Would you look at that?
This is upsetting.
I thought he'd be taller.
You're actually
presentable for once.
Who?
(Danis): Not you.
(Aki): Miigwan.
- Hi, Aki.
You're about the cutest
thing I ever did see.
She is the cutest thing
I ever did see.
- What do you think, Nina?
- Wowipops and wainbows.
(Aki): Ziigwan.
- Aki.
You smell like a urinal puck.
(Danis): Shoresy
smile a little for me, hun.
(Aki): I thought he'd be
younger, too.
What do you think, Nina?
- He's a six.
We enjoyed the calendars.
They selling?
- Five figures.
- That will help your bid
for the National
Senior Tournament.
We are very close to our goal.
Shoresy
you crosschecked
MacPherson in the face, slut.
- He was hot dogging.
- And by hot dogging you mean?
- Showboating. Big timing.
- Dipsy-doodling.
The game is changing, Nat.
There are new elements to it.
- And?
- And those are three of them.
That was a lot of blood.
- Did he lose any teeth?
- It was from his nose.
- Broken?
- No, his visor cut him.
So, no broken bones,
he still has all his teeth.
What's the problem?
- That was a lot of blood.
Why can't you play more like
the French guy, what's his name?
(Hitch): Frankie!
(knocking on door)
Sweetest Jeezus!
- You like birds, eh?
- I could fuck with a bird.
No b'ys,
this is no good anyway.
- Settle down.
- He's parked 'er
broadside in there.
- What?
He ain't comin'
out for no one.
- He needs to get one of these.
- I wants to, Britt.
- What happened to Bethany Dawn?
- Didn't remember his name.
Huh, I'm lookin' for
summin' a little deeper.
I just wants a girl
to come by, play some tunes.
(Ziig): That's pussy shit.
If you wanna showboat
and hot dog,
you answer the bell.
- Don't get twatty with us.
We'll get twatty right back.
What do you think, Nina?
Harry Twatter
and the Chamber of Secrets.
(Aki): Youse get big crowds.
(Danis): And a lot
of kids now, I see.
They don't wanna see that
and neither do we.
Shoresy, your YouTube chirps
have brought attention
to the league. Good and bad.
All publicity
is good publicity.
We agree.
So, we're gonna go easy on you.
You're suspended
for the remainder
of the regular season.
- Fer what?!
- Shoresy.
- So, just one game?
I hope it's not a big
one or anything, is it?
- You'll be back for playoffs.
- Ladies
Shoresy, the game
has changed.
This didn't happen by accident.
There has been a concerted
effort from the ground up
for years to make hockey
less dangerous.
It's about speed now, finesse.
That's what the fans want.
You need to understand this
and adjust to it.
Because what you're doing
is not good for the game.
(gavel clunks)
Good luck in playoffs.
Nat?
Good time to remind you these
sessions are recorded?
You don't decide
what's good for the game.
Pardon?
We just suspended
your captain.
Quite literally, we decide
what's good for the game.
You can take the dog
outta the fight,
but you can't take the fight
outta the dog.
You don't decide
what's good for the game.
The fans don't decide
what's good for the game.
The players who are out there
on the ice,
sweating and bleeding,
decide what's good for the game.
- What do you think, Nina?
- Audacious.
Hockey players have always
governed themselves.
That's what sets
this game apart.
It's a game played
with honour and respect.
Because if you wanna
play dishonourably
or disrespectfully, you'll get
your fuckin' teeth knocked out.
This is senior
whale shit hockey.
No one comes
for the speed and finesse.
They come to see us
kill each other.
Shoresy.
So, you can try
and change the game
with your concentrated effort
from the ground up.
- Concerted.
- But they're among the last
to play this game the way
it was meant to be played.
And you can't change them.
- Nat
- What?
You have the best
attendance in the league.
Yeah.
The other four teams
have their best attendance
when we're in town, too.
- Defending champs.
23-game heater.
And he's extremely attracted
to all three of you.
Is that true?
I'd love to meet
your husbands.
- Why?
- Shake their hand.
- Oh yeah?
- Oh, I'd love
to buy 'em a beer.
I have to say, Natalie,
I agree with you.
I'm here for it, too.
This is the one league
where players
still play the game,
well, like my dad did.
- And my dad.
- Nina?
Dad, Granddad,
and six big brothers.
If the fans wanna watch
a game for speed and finesse
with no physicality, they can
watch the World Juniors.
What's happened
to that tournament?
It's fucking basketball.
- They're breeding divers.
- This is the NOSHO.
Take the teeth outta the game,
take away our right
to govern ourselves,
you'll have no show, all right.
We've changed our ruling.
(gavel clunks)
Good luck in Soo Michigan.
(exhaling happily)
(Danis): You could make
history here, Natalie.
Somethin' real shiny.
What do you think, Nina?
You don't wanna
lose to the Yanks.
(Shoresy cries)
(Aki): Oh, and what's this
I hear about you guys having
gay night down at the Coulson?
What's it called,
Back Door Tuck In?
- The Man Advantage.
- I would've gone
with D-Men, but alas.
They let dykes go too, Ziig?
(knock echoes on glass)
- Suspended?
- No.
- Well, no broken bones.
- He's still got all his teeth.
Then what's the problem?
I've come to tell you
your window's closing.
Finally seduce Danis?
I wouldn't even know
what to do with her.
- That is a woman.
- I'd make a fuckin'
fool of myself.
- So, who's stealing you?
I'll be attending gay night
at the Coulson tonight.
- You're goin'?
- I'm told, if I'd like to,
I could fuck some
dudes up the ass.
- You ever done that before?
- No.
I think your window's closing.
Listen, I'm told there's
a pretty good time to be had
at these things,
if I'm up for it.
But maybe if you come down,
I'll keep my wits about me.
- Maybe?
- Well, already started drinkin'
so, it's a soft maybe.
Maybe.
(electric pop music)
(♪)
Yeah so
Where the fuck is Frankie?
Don't know where he's to.
My guess is back in Quebec.
I mean, he's not
in his room anymore.
Awesome.
(Laurence): Hey!
- Ooh.
- Where were you at, me son?
- Laurence Leboeuf?
- Laurence Leboeuf.
Bingo.
- Too Many Men?
- Let's talk about
an after party later, too.
- Mm-hmm.
Get in.
So, you came all the way
back for JJ Fun Dip JJ.
If he could understand
what you were saying,
he would kick your ass.
- But he can't.
There's a good man
in there, you know?
He just needed to be humbled.
Everybody deserves
a second chance.
Les Québécois
stand by their own.
(electric pop music intensifies)
(♪)
(♪)
(music decrescendos)
Lard Jeezus b'y, who knit ya?
Ted Hitchcock.
Ah, she knows me name.
(laughs)
- What?
Pam
would you like to dance?
I don't really
like this music.
Okay.
But we could go home.
Play some tunes.
(music crescendos)
(♪)
(music stops)
You're surprisingly lucid
for this point in the evening.
And you wanna mess it all up?
- Why do you still do it?
- Here's a cab.
I don't want it right now,
I'm talking to you.
Let's get some fuckin'
Indian cuisine.
- So, why do you still do it?
- Do what?
(both): Huh?
You got a decade
on most of these guys.
Well, I'm no spring chicken.
But you're the first
to the rink, the last to leave,
you're the hardest
worker out there.
- You gotta set the tone.
- You work even harder
off the ice.
The calendar, all the promos.
- Jory fuckin' Jordan.
- And now you're sittin'
outside a gay bar essentially,
the last one to leave
your team fundraiser.
- I think Hitch
looked a lot gayer than Frankie.
All this for senior
whale shit hockey?
Used to be senior
whale shit hockey.
Now it's sumin' different.
So, why do you do it?
It's the only place
I can be me.
What do you mean by that?
I mean, it's the last place
in the world
I can be me.
You basically just
repeated yourself.
I'll tell ya a story.
So, I'm at the bar one night,
a guy pushes up on my girl,
so I lose my mind.
- You tried to fight him?
- Well, I tried to sucker him,
hurt him before
he could hurt me, but
either way, as a hockey player,
I thought I was doing
the right thing.
By punching someone
when they weren't looking?
In hockey,
if someone disrespects you,
or your teammates,
you can flatten 'em.
One way or another,
you get 'em.
And when ya do,
everybody loves it.
The coaches, teammates,
the fans are all cheerin'.
Everybody's all for it.
At the bar that night
(kisses teeth)
no one was cheering.
The guy thought
I was an idiot,
and the girl thought
I was a loser.
That's the real world.
So
even though I'm at the age
where half my hair
is on the fuckin' shower floor,
gonna keep goin' to the rink.
That's where I can be me.
Yeah?
Hell yeah, fuck yeah.
(cab engine rumbling)
Wanna share a cab?
I can walk from here.
To my place.
(rock music)
(music intensifies)