Sledge Hammer! s02e05 Episode Script

Trust me.
I know what I'm doing.
Hey, all right! Bull's-eye! Put that up there.
All right! Hey, Hammer, how's your aim today? Worth 50 points.
A root beer for the little lady, and for me I'll have a root beer.
- And make the mugs frosty.
- Coming right up.
'He's going to run it out.
He's up to the five.
'Now he throws back the other way, to 84.
' Did I ever tell you I used to play football? - No, you never did.
- Of course, I played like a reaI man.
- Without a helmet.
- Why didn't that surprise me? 'Howdy, folks.
Cowboy Cody here.
'I'd like to drive this brand spanking new little filly 'right into your driveway.
' Oh, no, not him again.
I hate that buzzard.
Turn the channeI.
Come on, Hammer.
We're watching a game.
Yeah? Well, I wish that Bonanza reject would drop dead.
'Woooargh!' God! Hammer doesn't even need a gun any more.
Yeah.
He can kill with his thoughts.
I couldn't Did I? No, no way! Did I? Oh, Hammer, relax.
No, it had nothing to do with you.
What if my mind is a cerebraI.
45 and I just shot a thought bullet? What if I kill somebody that means something to me? Like J Edgar Hoover? - But he's already dead.
- Maybe I did it.
Hammer, absolutely not! Come on, Cowboy Cody's death is a coincidence.
His lot is ten minutes from here.
Let's go find out what happened.
I gotta think happy thoughts.
Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts.
What's wrong? You didn't want him to die with his boots on? No, I want his boots.
These babies are reaI snakeskin.
- You're a ghouI.
You know that, Blates? - Thank you.
I enjoy my work.
- Any idea what he died of? - I don't know.
Swollen feet? - Looked like he was in perfect health.
- They usually do when they're alive.
OK, guys, load him up.
I sure hope this wasn't my fault, Doreau.
A mind is a terrible thing to waste somebody with.
He wasn't even a criminaI.
All he did was sell cheaply built lemons to unsuspecting people at loan shark interest rates.
That's not against the law.
Doreau.
- Where's Hammer? - Why? Do you miss him? I miss him about as much as I miss having my arm cut off with a chain saw.
With Hammer, I like to know where and how far away he is at all times.
'The hearse carrying Cowboy Cody 'is making its way down Boothill Boulevard.
' Maybe I should have sent something.
Then again, maybe I sent Cowboy Cody.
'It's a sombre occasion, and in keeping with Cowboy Cody's wishes, 'his family requests that in lieu of flowers, you buy one of his cars.
'So come on down to the funeraI.
'There'll be free black balloons, and rides on sad ponies for the kiddies.
'In other news, a zany pit bull named Scooter has attacked his owner ' Speak to me.
Doreau, I'm not coming in today.
I'm I'm too dangerous.
- You've always been too dangerous.
- I'm a menace to the public at large.
You've always been a large menace.
But I might have snuffed out an innocent life with a wish.
Maybe I have a couple of wishes left.
I wish you'd quit being ridiculous and get down here.
Yeah? I wish you'd quit hounding me.
OK, Doreau, I'm here.
Happy? Right, Sledge.
I just want to prove to you Cowboy Cody's death wasn't your fault.
- Big-time car dealers die all the time.
- Of course.
Do you know how many times I've wished those guys would drop dead? It's a high-pressure job.
It's bound to take a toll on your health.
Look, car dealers who died in the last year.
- Five.
See? - You're right.
- I had nothing to do with their deaths.
- Of course! - Their business killed them.
- I don't know where my head was at.
- Uh-oh.
- I killed them.
No, but they all died within 48 hours of their wedding.
- Just like Cowboy Cody.
- So? My marriage almost killed me.
Just out of curiosity, I'm going to punch up the widows.
"Betty Jo, Bobby Jo, "Mary Jo, Sally Jo.
"Debbie Jo?" - Doesn't that sound weird? - Yeah.
Can you believe how many stupid people name their daughters Jo? I wonder what they name their sons? Nadine? Now I'm really curious.
Let's go to the microfilm library, and find out why all these honeymoons were so short.
Oh, fudge! - Excuse me.
- Are you lost? - Isn't this the microfilm library? - Yes.
I know what you're thinking.
Wanda Hobbs is nuts.
Why else play strip solitaire by herself? - No, actually - What else do you expect me to do? Nobody wants microfilm any more.
Nobody comes to visit.
I'm alone here, day after day, year after year, all by myself.
So I play strip solitaire.
Now, is that so bad? No.
No, no.
This one just flew into the cuckoo's nest.
Actually, we want to look at some microfilm of old newspapers.
God bless you! Please! Please! Enjoy! Can I get you some coffee? Some tea? Some broth? How about a Danish? A doughnut? Bear claw, perhaps? - Just the microfilm, all right? - Plenty of time for that.
First, let's chat.
I'm Miss Hobbs and I've got a name tag someplace.
I seem to have misplaced it.
I like people but no people come down here except you.
- I hope you'll come - Look, you babbling old bag! Show us the microfilm! - Sledge! - That's OK.
As a people person, I'm aware that not all people are nice.
Some are jerks.
But I can tell that you are one of the nice ones.
OK, here we go.
There's another one, Sledge.
Look.
Another one.
Can we get blow-ups? Blow-ups? My, oh, my, this is turning out to be a busy, busy day! "Mr and Mrs Wranglin' Rick.
Orlando, Florida.
"Serpent Sam, Newport Beach.
"Madman Mike.
Bangor, Maine.
"Mr Dan the Blubber Man.
Houston.
"Crazy PhiI from Salt Lake City.
" And our very own Cowboy Cody.
Looks to me like it's the same woman.
But did you happen to notice that it's the same woman? Oh, of course you did.
But did you happen to notice it's different photographers? Hammer Nobody really cares.
Least of all, me.
All right, Captain, what do we do now? Since this is an interstate crime, it is a matter for the FBI.
There's no guarantee they'll solve the case.
Look, Cowboy Cody was killed in my city, by the most despicable, devious vermin that exists.
The wife.
And I'm going to stop her before she marries again.
- You mean kills? - There's no difference.
Are you positive? You did a thorough job? You weren't whiffin' formaldehyde? This coroner doesn't know the difference between a corpse and a cowboy boot.
I told him we were absolutely certain Cody was poisoned.
But he insists there is no sign whatsoever of any foreign substance, injected or ingested.
Let's whack his head against the autopsy table.
According to my book, there are seven poisons that are untraceable.
Oh, really? As if I never saw a Columbo rerun! For a poison to be untraceable, it has to be absorbed by the skin.
It also has to be applied in large doses and left on for six hours, to be effective.
What cheesehead would wear a ton of toxic poisons on his skin for six hours? Of course, he was a car dealer.
- You're right.
We don't have anything.
- Wrong.
We've got six rich, dead, obnoxious car dealers, all killed by the same man-eating woman.
- So what do we do? - You know how to catch a shark? You throw out some meat.
And you know what? You're looking at the meat! - G'day.
- Howdy, sir.
- See anything you like? - Sure do, mate.
I like everything.
Name's Crocodile Bruce.
I'm the biggest car dealer in the entire outback, down under over easy.
I'm looking to add this lot to me herd.
You mean you're going to buy the whole dealership? That I do, mate.
Do you take cash? You see, I just love buying car lots.
Why, heck, sometimes I'll buy a car lot, and then I'll sell it and buy it back the same day, just to show off.
You wouldn't rather just buy six or seven hatchbacks? That'd impress me! Do you want me to toss your head on the barbie, mate? I want the whole kit and caboodle, now.
You caught us at a bad time.
- The owner just passed away.
- Why are you talking like that? - You're breaking my windpipe in half.
- Ah.
Sorry.
Being rich and powerfuI makes a man forget his own strength.
Anyway, Cowboy Cody's widow owns this place now.
She's leaving town the day after tomorrow.
Where is the little koala now? Well, she's in mourning.
Oh, Well, then, just have her call me in the afternoon.
- Yeah, hello.
- 'Hi.
Is this Crocodile Bruce?' Who? Oh.
G'day, mate ette.
- This here's the Croc.
- 'This is Mrs Cody.
'I understand that you're interested in acquiring one of my assets.
' Whoa! I don't know about that.
I do want to buy your car lot.
'Well, there's a slight chance that I could be seduced into selling.
' Ya-oow! Erm Listen, little Shirley.
I just hate doing business over the phone.
Especially when it's about to melt! So, what say we meet somewhere, face to face? 'Or closer.
How about 8pm in the lounge of the Anastasia HoteI?" 'Is it a date, Crocodile? 'Oh, may I call you Crocodile?' You can call me anything you like.
Just don't call me Waltzing Matilda! Why did I say that? Doreau, it's been 20 minutes.
I'm afraid this bimbo is a no-show.
- Sledge, give her a little longer.
- All right.
I'll give her another, let's say, 45 seconds and then Crocodile Bruce, I presume? Sorry.
Just blowing a little water up me nose.
'No big deaI.
' G'day.
Sit down.
Take a load off.
- I like your hat.
- Dad gave it to me when I was a baby.
Took me 30 years to grow into it.
Can I get you a drink? - Yes, please.
Champagne.
- Mate! Your best champagne.
And two frosty mugs.
- I didn't catch your name.
- I didn't throw it.
I can't believe she said that.
You know, Croc, I keep pretty close tabs on the retaiI auto business.
I don't believe I've ever heard of you.
Well, I guess you just got small ears.
You see, I'm what's known as a flamboyant zillionaire.
- Like You ever heard of Howard Hughes? - Certainly.
- Yeah? You ever heard of J PauI Getty? - Of course.
- All right.
What about erm Car Lecot? - Sorry, no.
Well, I'm just like him.
Only, a couple of zillion dollars richer.
Easy on the foam, mate.
Here's lookin' at you! Hey, what are you lot looking at? No worries.
G'day.
I like your style.
Yeah.
I'm quite a dude.
Listen, lady.
Are you gonna sell me that car lot, or are we just blowing smoke out our tailpipes? May I suggest we go up to my suite and indulge in some heavy bargaining? You don't have to tan me hide, Clyde.
I'm right behind ya! Doreau, I think I'm just about to toss another whip on the barbie.
Well, tie me kangaroo down! This is some sweet suite.
Sweetie.
It suits me.
- You live here, do you? - It's a place to hang my lingerie.
How come you're not hanging your hide at Cowboy Cody's? Oh, I couldn't.
Too many memories.
Yeah.
I guess after two days of marriage, you got to have one, maybe one and a half, golden moments.
You'd be surprised.
Why don't you make yourself comfortable, while I slip into something a little more businesslike? Doreau? She's got a tiny car lot on her coffee table.
I think this woman's running a couple of quarts low.
AII I got to do is get her to marry me and kill me before tomorrow and we're home.
Whoa! Dressed for success, I'd say.
Boy, those things are amazing.
- Thank you.
- These little cars, they're so lifelike.
Brrrm! Brrm, brrm, brrrm! Put that down.
You're adding mileage! You'll set back the odometer anyway.
This modeI is the apex of my dream.
The ultimate car dealership.
Not acres and acres of cars.
But miles and miles, three thousand miles.
A car lot that stretches from sea to shining sea.
Kinda like bumpers across America? Exactly.
And we can do it together, Croc.
With your zillions and my, shall we say, attributes, we can become the Jim and Tammy of the automotive world.
Sounds like a kick in the pants! Oh, we'll own every car lot there is.
Because if you own the cars, you own the world! Well, what the heck! You like cars, I like attributes.
Let's get married.
Crocodile, please.
I'm a woman in mournin'.
Trust me.
By tomorrow morning, you won't be mourning.
In the morning.
I'm still wearin' Cowboy Cody's weddin' ring.
Girlie, I'll buy you a diamond ring so big you'll have to wear it on three fingers.
Oh! Take your hat off.
- What's wrong? - You.
You're wrong.
But we were going like two dingoes on a flat rock.
The only thing that's going is you, and I mean out that door, now! I haven't felt this bad since me boomerang wouldn't come back.
I'm telling you, Doreau, it was not my fault.
- Maybe you're a lousy kisser.
- Hey, I know how to kiss.
I even used my lips.
No, I think this woman wants nothing to do with men for a long, long time.
Wrong again, Hammer.
Look who just got married.
- That's incredible.
- Is this woman insane? She turned me down for him? Look at his nose.
He looks like an anteater.
I guess you just weren't man enough for her, Hammer.
What happened? Your ego let you down? I hate to break up this man-to-man talk, but she's going to kill another car dealer.
So what? He's a bow-wow.
I'm ten times better-looking than that clown.
I mean, you believe this toupee? Come on! Wait.
Toupee.
Didn't you say she got cold when she ran her fingers through your hair? The cowboy hat makes your hair greasy.
- Big deaI.
- Cowboy Cody wore a toupee.
Poison absorbed in the skin takes six hours.
- That's it! She put poison in the glue.
- She poisoned his toupee? Come on, Hammer.
We gotta save a scalp.
I don't know.
He did bruise my ego.
Go, Hammer, before I bruise you! .
.
like a sports car On the freeway of love Isn't that sweet? My ex-wife wouldn't even touch my rug.
Oh, I adore toupees.
I just love what they do to a man.
- Well, let me just put that rascaI on.
- No, no, my sweet, my love, my life.
Allow me.
Trust me.
I know what I'm doing.
All right, Mrs Maggot, drop the toupee.
- Who the blazes are you? - Cops.
Police.
Flatfoots.
John Law, the heat, the man, the fuzz.
I think you made your point.
- We just saved your life, paI.
- No, you didn't.
You just killed a perfectly good toupee.
You're gonna get life.
I'm not worried.
I'm sure the jury will be very sympathetic.
How do you figure? Is it really a crime to rid the world of car dealers?