SMILF (2017) s02e05 Episode Script

1 [TRAFFIC PASSING.]
[ SLOW DREAMY MUSIC .]
What? I'm working.
What? No, no, no, no.
No.
I'm gonna be a dad? You cannot have a baby with that idiot.
Yo, you hear that? I'm gonna be a dad.
Huh? Oh! Are you keeping it? Bridge, I'll take you to the clinic right now.
We can get it done, bing, bam, boom.
[RAFI LAUGHS.]
I love you.
I hate Rafi.
But you're gonna have to marry him.
[RAFI.]
Bridgette Bird, will you marry me? [JACKIE.]
You were a beautiful baby.
You were the most beautiful baby.
So you're gonna have a beautiful baby.
People love the halfsies.
The ones that are half and half are the most beautiful.
Motherhood is why God put women here.
It's your true calling.
You're gonna get stopped on the street, and people are gonna be like, "Oh, my God, is that a halfsie baby? They're the most beautiful babies.
" 'Cause it's true.
[ZAGGY.]
It's dear to everyone's heart.
But without a guy, how you gonna have a kid? Motherhood is the most fulfilling work for a woman.
It truly is.
Where do you think the term "motherfucker" came up? [LAUGHS.]
[TUTU.]
Your children will resent you for working.
[JACKIE.]
And for being a stay-at-home mom.
[TUTU.]
It's basically indentured servitude, Bridge.
[JACKIE.]
And then you're gonna die poor and alone.
- [TUTU CHUCKLES.]
- [JACKIE LAUGHS.]
- So here's to you.
- Cheers.
[TUTU.]
Cheers.
[PIGEON COOING.]
[ EARTHA KITT'S "MINK, SCHMINK" PLAYING .]
Mink, schmink Money, schmoney Think you're hot now, don't you, honey What have you got If you haven't got love Silk, schmilk, satin, schmatin A penthouse high in old Manhattan That's not enough If you haven't got love Happiness is not a thing That you can buy - [RING CLATTERS.]
- It takes loving Oh, shit.
Lotsa loving - [GROANING.]
- From the right guy Pearls, schmearls, nermen, schmermen From Jim or Jack - Pet the kitty.
- Or Joe or Herman That's not enough If you haven't got Haven't got love [GASPS.]
[SIGHS.]
[PANTING.]
[WATER RUNNING.]
Little bit of uh, uh Little bit of uh, uh Get up off the dance floor [SINGS INDISTINCTLY.]
It's getting hot in here So take off all your clothes Getting so hot I'm gonna take my clothes off [CRYING SOFTLY.]
[SMOOCHING.]
[SIGHS.]
[WHISPERING.]
I'm in labor.
What, baby? I'm in labor.
[ UPBEAT POP MUSIC .]
[BRIDGE MOANS.]
Like, this is gonna make or break his life.
I still think his name should be Adolfo.
We're not naming our kid after Hitler.
Adolfo.
It's my grandfather's name.
Means wolf.
Freedom, inteligencia, libertad.
- It's the same exact spelling.
- You know, natural instincts.
- It's not the same - Plus an O.
Yeah, but it doesn't mean the same thing.
There's a lot of words that change when you put a O after it.
Yeah, Hitler and Hitlero.
- Right.
- Same thing.
"Hitlero" sounds like a cereal.
"Hitler" sounds like a serial killer.
That's a good point.
Adolfo Gonzalez.
Why do we even have to use Gonzalez anyways? Why not? What else would we name the kid? You hate your dad.
You hate your dad.
Yeah, that's why I have my mother's name.
Look, it's one thing for you not to take my name, but for my son? No way.
Okay, how about we take him out of my body, put him in your stomach, you squeeze him out your dick, then we name him Adolfo Gonzalez? [MOANING.]
[ GENTLE MUSIC .]
[FIONA.]
All right, so I'm going to take a little listen to his little heart.
- [BRIDGE.]
Okay.
- [FIONA.]
Okay.
- Mm.
- You hear that? - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah? Rafi, you hear that? - Oh, wow.
- Sweet.
- Does it sound okay? - He sounds gorgeous.
It's perfect.
It's 140.
And I want to just check his position.
[SIGHS.]
So there he is.
Okay, honey.
- Good job.
Yeah? - Thanks.
Thank you.
Okay.
Good.
- Okay.
- So - Okay.
- anything else? Any fears, any kind of shames, anything like that going on just could sort of delay the labor process.
Good thing he's not pushing the baby out.
- Bridgette.
- I was making a funny joke.
I was making a funny.
[LAUGHS.]
And, Rafi, all sober? - It's all good? - [RAFI.]
All good.
[FIONA.]
So anything? Yeah, I mean, as long as it really just was a kiss, then I think we're good, right? It was just a kiss? 'Cause if you were lying about it, it would really it would delay the labor process.
Babe, I wouldn't lie about that.
- It was just a kiss.
- [BRIDGE.]
Okay.
So it's just a kiss, we're all good.
- [FIONA.]
Okay.
- It's just a kiss.
Excellent.
So, Bridge let it go.
- Me? Oh, no.
- [FIONA.]
Yeah.
It seems to me that your ego is still hanging on to the Shaunie thing.
Just just let it go.
Just let it go, babe.
You're gonna kiss a woman and you're gonna rub my shoulder and say, "Let it go"? It's one thing for her to say it.
But for you to say it is fucked up.
- I guess I am still - [FIONA.]
Just a little.
hanging on to it.
- [FIONA.]
Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
He's the one who gets mad when I say hi to a guy.
I don't do that anymore.
When, starting today? And I've said I'm sorry, like, a million times.
Why are you saying that to her? You're doing a great, great job, Rafi.
I'm doing great too.
Yes, you are.
Anything you want to share? Well, my-my biggest secret Mm.
Oh, God.
I really just want to be a good father.
I want to provide for the baby.
I want to provide for Bridgette.
I want to give them everything they need.
I mean, babe, think about it.
You got pregnant while you were on the pill.
Not really.
I mean, I was very inconsistent.
[CHUCKLES.]
I believe in us is all I'm saying.
I believe in you too.
I think that's beautiful.
You're such a lovely - Ow! - [FIONA.]
Okay.
I know.
- [GROANING.]
- Yeah.
All right.
Here we go.
Okay, honey.
- Ow! - Okay, this is Ow! Ow, my Deep breaths, sweetheart.
This is not my fault, is it? - Move into the - Go! - I'm sorry! - Move into the pain.
Breathe.
- [FIONA.]
Deep breathing.
Hum.
- [BRIDGE MOANS.]
[BOTH HUMMING.]
[HUMS.]
No.
[HUMS.]
- [BOTH HUMMING.]
- [FIONA.]
Lower.
[HUMMING.]
- Oh, God.
- Good job.
Good job.
- That really hurt.
- That did hurt.
I know.
I know, but - It did hurt me.
- the key is, just let go and unclench.
Do you think we should do this in a hospital? I just wanna be safe.
We have just gone through nine months of work together - to have a home birth.
- Bridgette.
And on the day, you're gonna suggest go to the hospital? You're scaring me, Bridgette.
I almost had a heart attack.
It's normal.
It's an option to go to the hospital.
It's also an option to stay at home.
- It's an option.
- But look.
Just get some protein.
Go have a little fun, okay? - Okay.
- Make love, and go up and down some stairs.
- We can do some stairs.
Okay.
- Yeah.
You're one or two centimeters, so tomorrow, maybe the next day.
Tomorrow? Or the next day.
- Oh.
- Yeah? - Okay.
- Yeah.
[RAFI.]
So I have a question.
Why do you always have to embarrass me in front of her? [BRIDGE.]
What are you talking about? You paint me out to be, like, this crazy, possessive boyfriend or whatever.
Well, that's because you are that.
Oh, and you're so, like, put together and sweet and nice and perfect, or what? [BRIDGE.]
Just chill out.
Stop acting like that, I'll stop calling you that.
You know what? You're such an ice queen.
[GROANS.]
You know, you're like a frozen fuckin' tundra.
- Stop being so sensitive.
- Oh, yeah? Push me again.
Push me again and see what happens.
Push me again, see what happens.
[ LIGHT MUSIC .]
Frozen tundra, fr-frozen tundra [GRUNTS.]
What are you doing? - It's the midwife - [HORN HONKS.]
[INTERMITTENT HONKING.]
Okay.
Okay.
[BRIDGE MOANING.]
Touch my butt.
[BOTH MOANING.]
What? I don't feel like we have space.
Wanna go behind the dumpster? No.
That's gross.
What? I just feel like I'm gonna hurt the baby.
Okay.
That's fine.
[SIGHS.]
Once upon a time, you'd fuck me anywhere.
I mean, you'd really fuck anything anywhere.
Now I'm gonna be a mom, and you don't want to have sex with me.
And if we don't have sex, what's the point? You know, everything's over anyways.
Baby, we're getting married.
It's just the beginning.
It's not over.
- Bridgette, look at me.
- What? You don't have to worry about anything ever again.
That's my point.
What's your point, Bridge? I don't get it.
Just that we're not really gonna move to New York, are we? Of course we're gonna move to New York.
But, like, how am I supposed to work and have a kid? It's been done, babe.
I promise you.
I just wanted to be classy.
I wanted to travel and just I mean, I've never even been to Maine.
[LAUGHS.]
Baby, you'll go to Maine.
But can I be classy? Of course you can be classy.
But it's gonna be as a mom.
Like, a classy mom who just [SIGHS.]
I know how much you love me.
I do love you.
I do.
You want to go to Pino's? Get a slice of pizza? - Yeah.
- Yeah? I think I'm just hungry.
I think you're just hungry, right.
Yeah.
All right.
[ UPBEAT MUSIC .]
Have you ever thought how small you are In the world today Well, I have, I have Have you ever thought about the universe [RAFI.]
What do you think about a Puerto Rican wedding? What? [RAFI.]
A Puerto Rican wedding.
[BRIDGE.]
Yeah, maybe.
Seems kind of complicated, you know? - Ow.
- Sorry, babe.
- [CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
- And far.
It's so far.
Who keeps texting you? - [BOY.]
I'm not playing anymore.
- [GIRL.]
Why? I said I'm not playing anymore! Don't fucking tag me when I said I was out! I'm not playing anymore! There they are, guys.
There they are.
What is she doing here? - What? - Get up.
She's here.
We gotta go.
- We gotta go.
- No, no, it's your mother.
- Hey, Colleen! - [TUTU.]
Hi! - [RAFI.]
How are you? - Good.
How are you? [TUTU.]
How's my belly? You need some help, honey? - No.
- [TUTU.]
You want some help? - [MOANING.]
- Hold on to me.
Hold on to me.
Okay.
All right, I gotcha.
Oh, God, you're in labor right here in a park.
- This is not safe.
- Okay.
Oof.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Rafi, come on.
You okay? [SIGHS.]
Yeah.
Fiona said everything's fine.
It's very early on.
It could be days before he comes.
Look, all you gotta do is focus.
Focus, and you'll be fine.
You can handle anything.
Thank you, Joe.
Remember the Fibonacci spiral.
- What? - It's the DNA of the universe.
It's the life and start of everything.
Okay.
Just roll your hips.
Everything'll come together.
The Fibonacci spiral.
What are you, new? [TUTU.]
Okay, Zag.
We'll meet you at the hospital, - sweetheart, okay? - [BRIDGE.]
No.
No, I'm still having the baby at home.
Okay.
All right.
Well, that's okay, Bridgette.
That's fine.
You know.
It's not too late to change your mind, unless, of course, you know, it's during the birth of the baby and something tragic happens and you're not at a hospital; you're at home.
There are no lifesaving devices there.
- You know.
- Okay, Colleen.
- Okay? - Just relax, okay? But we'll meet you there.
That's okay.
We'll meet you there.
That's good.
Okay? Come on.
- Mom.
Come here.
- Yeah? I just need to talk to her for a second.
What do you need from Mommy, baby? Tell me.
What do you need? - I'm gonna go home.
- Yes.
- And I'm gonna call you - Mm-hmm.
as soon as the baby comes.
As soon as he comes, I'm gonna call you.
You're gonna come over.
But I'm gonna go home and have my baby the way I want to have it.
You're gonna need me there, Bridgette.
- I'm coming.
- No.
- Mom, listen to me.
Mom.
- Bridgette, no, I know - Listen to me.
- I'm listening.
- It's my baby.
- I know.
And I'm gonna call you after he comes.
No, I'm coming to your home.
- No.
- Bridgette.
No.
Boundaries.
You want to talk about boundaries? You had unprotected sex with that loser.
Colleen, what the fuck? Okay, now you're definitely not coming.
Yes, I am.
No, you're not.
You are fucking selfish, Bridgette Bird.
Yes, you are.
[SIGHS.]
Did you tell her we were here? I just think if your mom thinks it's a good idea to go to the hospital - Okay.
- you should think about it.
I'm gonna walk the steps.
- And you are not following me! - Okay.
[ PLAINTIVE MUSIC .]
[MAN.]
Don't slow down now.
Finish it strong.
Come on, you got it too.
Come on, let's go.
Yeah, Mama! Come on, you got it.
- Let's go.
- Let's go.
Few more steps.
- You got it.
Come on.
- You're at the finish line.
- There it is.
- There you go.
All right.
- All right.
- You okay? - You sure you're okay? - [PANTING.]
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Thank you.
- Good job, guys.
- Ooh.
Okay.
- How you feeling? - Do you want some help? - Ooh, okay.
Get back down? - You sure? - Yeah, you guys - you guys keep going.
- Let's help her out.
- All right, guys.
- Okay, I don't really - like to be lifted up.
- Here we go.
Ready? - On three, guys, ready? - Okay.
- One, two, three.
- One, two, three Four, five, six [ THE MODERN LOVERS' "ROADRUNNER" PLAYING .]
Maybe I do like to be lifted up.
Going faster miles an hour [BRIDGE MOANING.]
[MEN WHOOPING.]
with the radio on I'm in love with Massachusetts [BRIDGE.]
Thank you.
And the neon when it's cold outside And the highway when it's late at night Got the radio on I'm like the roadrunner Hey! Hey, you gotta pay for that! - What? - You gotta pay for that! Oh, this? Oh, I thought it was free.
Sorry, it-it looked free.
I'll put it back.
Who the fuck's giving away free Larry Bird jerseys? I know, right? I thought so too.
But then I figured maybe someone's celebrating Larry Bird and Look, I'm pregnant.
I'd never steal.
I'm still gonna need that back.
Okay, sorry.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Okay, I'm just gonna take a seat right here.
I really wasn't stealing.
You know, some of the worst thieves I know are mothers.
I could believe that.
[GRUNTS.]
Whoa, okay.
[GASPS.]
How long you been in labor? Since this morning.
Mine lasted three days.
What? Fuck.
No, no, no.
I cannot do this for three days.
I'm sorry.
Those really signed by Larry Bird? Yeah.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I really wasn't I would never steal from you.
I now that we know each other - Keep it.
- Really? See? Someone was giving away Larry Bird T-shirts.
Only in Boston.
[ LOW ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC .]
- [BRIDGE.]
Here's good.
- [MAN.]
All right, here you go.
[BRIDGE.]
Thank you.
[TUTU.]
Where the fuck have you been? You want to try that again? I'm really glad you're home.
Fine.
You can stay, but you gotta be in the kitchen.
[BRIDGE BELLOWING.]
[TUTU.]
What are you guys moving a rug for? She's screaming in there.
Making space.
- [TUTU.]
Ah.
- Yeah.
[HUMMING.]
[MOANING.]
[GASPING AND PANTING.]
There's watermelon in there.
- Watermelon? - Yeah.
She likes watermelon.
And I don't remember so much screaming when I had my two.
But then again, I took the meds, you know.
No pain, no pain.
That's what I think.
You know.
- Watermelon? - Go fuck yourself.
[MOANS.]
[FIONA.]
Just relax, Bridge.
[MOANS.]
[RAFI.]
I don't know what she wants.
Well, if she said, "Fuck you," that usually means she doesn't want what you're doing.
I don't know what to do.
What should I do? Listen to me, okay? Possums, they have 20 babies in each litter, and you know what? The mom only has 13 teats.
You know what that means? Seven of them are not gonna make it.
But they have those babies, and there's possums everywhere, and she's gonna be able to do it, Rafi.
You get out there, and you love her.
Okay.
Okay.
[MOANS.]
[LEIGH.]
Okay, you're doing great.
Do you need anything? Should I clean some of this up? [FIONA.]
Yeah, there's some rags right over there.
[TUTU ECHOING.]
Is that normal, what she's doing? The dripping of the blood? [FIONA.]
It's completely normal.
- [TUTU.]
It's normal? - [FIONA.]
Yeah.
It's called bloody show.
Okay, well, I had two children, and I didn't have any of this, so you think it's time maybe to go to the hospital? Yeah, well, you were probably lying down.
I was.
That's right.
You're right about that.
We don't need to go to the hospital.
She's fine.
[BRIDGE MOANING.]
[BRIDGE.]
I'm just gonna sit.
Okay, let me just grab you a towel, okay? Mm, okay.
- Give me one second.
- Okay.
[MOANING.]
What, are you on Facebook or something? - I'm entering vitals.
- [TUTU.]
Oh.
Not on Facebook.
[TUTU.]
Fiona, when I was pushing her out, it was like trying to get a basketball out of my nose.
- I couldn't get her out.
- Rafi.
[TUTU.]
Bridgette was, like, stuck right in there - Tell her to be quiet.
- Huh? - [TUTU.]
You know what they did? - Tell her to be quiet.
[TUTU.]
They put this prong thing in, and they sucked her head right out.
- [FIONA.]
Right.
- Do you have any of those? - We're not doing it that way.
- Oh.
[FIONA.]
We're doing it differently.
Okay, I just thought that was standard - Please, please, just - Rafi, I'm doing the best I I know.
Just whisper, okay? [WHISPERING.]
For the record, I never left the kitchen.
I'm still Okay, go to her.
Go, go, go.
Okay.
[MOANS.]
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[FIONA.]
Beautiful angel.
- You okay? - Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
[MOANING.]
- Fiona.
- [FIONA.]
Yes.
Yes.
[MOANS.]
It feels like he's coming out my butt.
He is not coming out your butt.
You are feeling the pressure from his head.
You just go with that.
Yeah? - If I go with it - You just go with that.
he's going to come out my butthole.
He is not going to come out your butthole.
He is coming out your vagina.
- So, Leigh - Mm-hmm.
have you ever run a marathon? A marathon? I have not.
A triathlon? A triathlon? No.
- A biathlon? - No, I Anything that has a "thon" and a "lon" in it? [GRUNTING.]
[GRUNTING.]
[RETCHING.]
[GRUNTING LOUDLY.]
[PANTING.]
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
[GRUNTING.]
[GASPING AND PANTING.]
Oh, shit.
Rafi.
Rafi.
Fuck.
I peed.
I pooped.
I threw up.
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
- Can you get my mom? Okay.
Colleen.
You okay, sweetie? What's up? I peed.
I pooped.
I threw up.
Oh, okay.
Good girl.
Triple play.
- Come on.
Give me your hands.
- Mm.
Get you in that shower.
Don't worry.
It just all came out at the same time.
Yeah, you smell like a zoo, honey.
[CHUCKLES.]
- [GROANING.]
- Lean on me.
Right there.
Sit on the end.
- [GROANS.]
- Okay.
- [GROANS.]
- This is gonna help.
I think I touched poop with my hand.
Well, give me your hand, baby.
Give me your hand.
- Okay, here's some soap.
- Okay.
We're cleaning you up.
I'm sorry.
No need to be sorry, Bridge.
You're just clearing out the tracks, okay? Now, Bridgette, look at me.
You're gonna get in the shower, and you're gonna remember that you're Bridgette Bird and you can do anything.
Thanks, Ma.
All right, now, you get in that shower.
[BRIDGE GROANING.]
Good, good, good, angel.
- [BRIDGE GROANING.]
- Good, good, good.
Move into the pain.
[SCREAMING.]
Good, good, good.
Feels kinda good.
Like we're dancing.
It's like the Fibonacci spiral.
[TUTU.]
You keep swirling, baby.
Keep swirling.
What if Zaggy's right? [LAUGHTER.]
We won't tell him.
[MOANING.]
[GROANING.]
[RAFI.]
Okay, okay.
[SCREAMING.]
- Why won't he come? - [FIONA.]
He will come.
- [BRIDGE.]
Why won't he come? - Come on, come on, come on.
I can't do this.
Yes, you can, Bridgette.
I can't do this.
You're doing it, sweetie.
You're doing it right now.
You're almost there, honey.
You're doing so good.
What do you need? Do you need ice chip? - Do you need something? - Shh.
Okay, all right.
Why won't he come? Call him by his name.
- [BRIDGE GROANING.]
- Call him by his name.
Come on, Larry! Aah! Come on, Larry Bird! Aah! Come on, Larry Bird! [GROANING, GASPING.]
- Do you like Larry? - I like it, babe.
- You do? - I do.
That name doesn't have to be permanent, but just for now, it's good.
- [BRIDGE PANTING.]
- You're doing beautifully.
I'm gonna give you everything you need.
- Okay.
- Okay? - Okay.
- All right? - [HUMS.]
- I'll give you anything.
Rafi, I love you.
[SOBBING.]
I can't marry you.
- Okay.
- Okay? Okay.
Okay, baby.
It's okay.
It's okay.
- [BRIDGE CRYING.]
- [RAFI.]
It's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
[GROANING.]
[TUTU.]
Hold her up.
Hold her up.
[FIONA.]
You're doing fine.
All right, here he comes.
Here he comes, angel.
- Here he comes.
- [TUTU.]
Come on, Bridgey.
Here he comes.
- [RAFI EXCLAIMING.]
- Oh, there you go.
Okay, oxygen? There he goes.
I'm just gonna check his little [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
There you go.
There we go.
There you go.
[BABY WHIMPERING.]
[BABY WAILS.]
[LAUGHTER.]
- There he is! - [TUTU.]
He's so beautiful.
- Is he okay? - Yes, he's beautiful.
He's beautiful.
He's perfect.
[BABY WAILS.]
Oh, yes! Yes, angel.
Beautiful.
[BABY WAILS.]
All right.
[ Dennis Kamakahi's "Pu'uanahulu" playing .]
There you go.
There you go.
- Oh, there, baby.
- [BABY CRIES.]
There you go.
[BABY WAILS, WHIMPERS.]
[TUTU.]
Oh, my God, he's a beauty.
[LAUGHTER.]
[TUTU.]
Bridgey.
Hi.
[TUTU.]
He's a fighter.
He's a Bird.
[TUTU CHUCKLES.]
[TUTU.]
He's a beauty.
And I'm his grandma.
Yeah, you are.
What's he gonna call you? Tutu.
What's Tutu? That's Hawaiian for Grandma, and you know I've always wanted to be Hawaiian.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Okay.
This is my chance right here.
- Okay, Tutu.
- [LAUGHTER.]
Look at him.
Hello.
[LAUGHS.]
Ha'ina 'ia mai Ana ka puana Kaulana kou inoa Pu'uanahulu