Spaced s02e05 Episode Script

- What ? - You know what.
I do not know what.
Take a wild guess.
Um It Is it because I sang the music from the Kia-Ora advert ? I remember that.
It's too orangey for crows You think this is funny ? No.
I guarantee in about three minutes you will definitely not be laughing.
Look, boys, if you think I am gonna stand by and let you beat up my friend, you've got another thing coming.
Oh, we're gonna beat you up, too.
OK.
What do you think we should do ? Let 'em have it.
Vegetables, a lot of people are scared of them.
Take potato, a lot of people would peel it, a lot of people would cube it.
I don't like to, I just like to put it down, bang, two halves.
In the pan, potato stew, it's a bit simple, it's a bit sexy.
- Mike, how sexy am I ? - Ooh, very.
- In a salad - Daisy.
in a sausage sandwich, - with a cup of tea - Daisy.
How sexy am I ? Very.
You look good.
Really.
Good.
You look nice.
You don't want to look like you've made too much of an effort, you know what I mean ? I'll change my shirt.
This, my friend, is gonna be one of the all-time great - chicken stew, d'you know why ? - No.
Because of this.
Oregano.
Or oregano to you.
'I got it from a wise old herb merchant 'on one of my many travels.
' This is the good shit.
Woo, mama ! - Hello.
- Hi, is that Daisy ? - Yeah.
- 'Hi, it's Sophie.
' - Oh, hi.
- Nice to speak to you finally, - Tim's told me all about you.
- Has he ? What did he say ? Oh, you know, the usual.
What sort of thing ? You know, specifically ? Well that you're friends, you share a flat, and your name's Daisy.
Oh, right.
Is Tim there ? Oh, yes.
Yes.
He's just getting his clothes on.
- It's Sophie.
- Oh, cheers.
Hello.
- Hey, how are you ? - 'Good.
' Good.
Had a nice time last night.
'Me, too.
What are you up to ? ' You know, just making myself beautiful.
Listen, Bisley, I can't come out tonight.
- Damien's got me working late.
- Really ? There's been a misprint on the cover of one of the new issues.
- 'Which one ? ' - Total Cult.
- Well, Ok.
Fine, fine.
- 'We can do it another night.
' We can do it next week.
How do you mean, do it ? You'll find out next week.
OK.
Bye, Bisley.
Bye.
I can't believe she's sleeping with her boss ! - You what ? - This is how it starts.
It's excuses ! Oh, I've got to work late.
A presentation, I've got to speak to the New York office, they're five hours behind.
I can't come round because I've had ever such a long day.
It's me and Sarah.
It's Milly and Egg.
It's textbook.
0w.
What'd you do that for ? Well, you said to me that every time you suffered emotional paranoia as a result of your break-up with Sarah, I was to slap you round the face.
Yes, I did say that.
Thank you.
We could go out.
What, you and me ? Yeah.
What about your stew ? It's finished.
I've just got to let it simmer.
I don't know, Daisy.
Come on, it'd be fun.
What else are you gonna do ? Ok, then.
Great.
- Who is it ? - Brian.
Do you wanna come in ? Thought you were going out.
Twist's in a mood.
Ooh, what a surprise.
An unreliable girlfriend.
- What's the matter with her ? - I don't know.
- She didn't really specify.
- That's right.
You've got to guess.
Must be strange being a woman.
- All that power.
- You what ? They are the true creators, because all men do is destroy things.
Yeah.
They are the true children of nature.
Gaia's foot soldiers.
- They look like us.
- Speak for yourself.
Two arms, two legs.
Two faces.
There's so much more to it than that.
If a group of women spend enough time together, their menstrual cycles synchronise.
- Men have got that, too.
- Mike.
No, no.
Men have got an unspoken telepathy.
A biological connection between male psyches.
Whether they know each other or not, put a group together, - always the same.
- What d'you mean ? Shall we show him ? Mike, I really am not - Oooooh.
- Oh, shit.
- Boom.
- Phuuuuuu.
Tits.
- Bang.
- Prrrrrrrrrrrr.
Trrrr.
Phat phat.
Phat.
- Brrrrrrrrr.
- Brrrrrrrrrr.
Trrrrrrrrr.
- You ready ? - Yeah.
- Manoeuvres tonight ? - Reconnaissance.
- Tanks ? - Tim, I've learnt me lesson.
- Oh, yeah ? - I'm not gonna steal another tank.
- Right.
- What time are you going ? 2100 hours.
- That's 9 o'clock.
- Right.
Would you mind taking Colin for a walk about eight ? Hmm ? - 2000 hours.
- Oh, yeah.
- Bye.
- Bye.
That's never happened to me before.
- Minicab ? - No, thanks.
Look after my stuff.
You're less likely to get searched than I am.
- Why ? - You look like a teacher.
- That's enough of that.
- Sorry, miss.
- What's the plan ? - Right.
'We get the Tube into Soho 'and go for drinks in a fashionable gay bar, 'before catching a play by a hip playwright, 'preferably with a swearword in the title.
'Then we go to a swinging coffee house and discuss the play 'before retiring to a jazz bar to listen to xylophone music 'and talk about life until it's time to catch the last Tube.
' - What d'you think ? - I'm gonna go home.
What do you wanna do ? Right, we get the Tube into Camden and head for the nearest bog-standard indie bar.
'We smoke a fatty boom-batty on the way 'so we're munted when we order our first drink.
'We stay a few hours, where, if all goes to plan, 'we'll end up laughing like a couple of twats.
'We relocate to a high-street pub 'with an eclectic jukebox and keep drinking until we 'A: Fall over, B: Puke or C: Fall over and puke.
' I like my idea better.
- You would.
- It's more interesting.
- Toss a coin ? - Ok.
Two pints of cider.
- And crisps.
- Crisps as well.
- Two packets.
- Two packets.
- And nuts.
- Nuts.
- Honey roast.
- I'm ordering the drinks.
I can't remember what I was gonna say.
Fuck it.
- Two tequila slammers, please.
- Yes ! It's ups and downs.
Like when you're travelling.
More than normal.
Not more ups and downs.
- Do you know what I mean ? - No.
What did you wanna be when you were a kid ? - Monkey.
- A Monkee.
No, Monkey.
- Monkey.
- Yeah, Monkey.
It was great.
- What did you wanna be ? - Elvis.
That's stupid, he's a bloke.
I don't wanna be a tiger Cos tigers play too rough Go on.
Woo.
There's a good little fellow.
Right, off to enjoy a night of running round in the dark with a gun.
You've got to stay and be good for Uncle Michael.
Settle down, relax and get comfy because you, my friend are going nowhere.
Oh, bollocks.
Colin ! Colin.
Colin ! Colin ! Colin.
Colin ! Coliiiiiiiin ! I'm glad we decided to stay in, Twist.
It's so nice here.
Just you and me together.
Been naughty.
- Naughty ? - I've lost Colin.
- How ? - He ran off.
- Oh.
- Brian, we've got to find him.
- Probably come back.
- What if he doesn't ? I've learnt one thing from the military, - never leave a man behind.
- He's a dog.
- Or a dog.
- Ok.
Bye, Twist.
- Sophie seems very nice.
- Yeah, she's cool.
Cool, yeah.
She's quite quiet.
You're joking.
She talks more than you do.
- Really ? - Yeah.
And she's very funny as well.
She really makes me laugh.
Oh well, I'm glad for you.
Really glad.
Glad.
- What about you ? - Glad.
You got someone special ? No, I think I put men off.
- No.
- No, I do.
Trust me.
Hey, come on.
Pull my finger ! Look, you're a beautiful, talented woman.
I'm gonna go to the toilet.
I bet when I come back some bloke'll be chatting you up.
You having a good night ? What ? Are you having a good night ? Yeah.
You ? Oh, yes.
Listen, you don't know where I could get me hands - on some puff ? - Er, not at the moment.
- Have you got any ? - A couple of spliffs' worth.
Can I buy it off you ? No, no.
It's for me and my dog.
D'you remember the Kia-Ora advert with It's too orangey for crows - Brilliant.
- What are you talking about ? You remember that.
No.
Hi, Dom.
This is Duane Benzie.
'This is Duane Benzie.
' Tim, hi.
I didn't expect to see you here.
You stole my girlfriend.
- Oh, Tim.
This is - Duane.
Tim, hi.
This isn't the kind of place I'd expect to find you.
Funny.
It's exactly the sort of place I'd expect to see you.
What's that supposed to mean ? - You work it out.
- All right, then.
You're Duane.
The Duane Duane.
Duane Benzie.
The Duane Benzie that Stole my girlfriend.
Well, that depends on which way you look at it.
I think Tim looks at it that way.
Yes, I do.
So, Tim.
How have you been ? Haven't seen you since Yeah, well.
No hard feelings, eh ? You shot me in the bollocks, Tim.
Like I said, no hard feelings.
You're lucky I didn't sue.
- Why didn't you ? - I'm not a monster, Tim.
Besides, I know you don't have much in the way of assets.
I heard you got back together with Sarah.
She came to her senses.
She not out tonight ? - No, she's - Working late ? - A presentation.
- Putting in overtime ? - What's that supposed to mean ? - You work it out.
Daisy, we're leaving.
Well, nice to meet you, Daisy.
Yeah, yeah.
Pull my finger.
Daisy.
At last I will emerge as the victor.
At last I will have revenge.
- Minicab ? - No thanks.
I'm glad we got out of there when we did.
That could have got a little bit nasty.
How about that spliff ? I told you, we're not selling.
- We're not buying.
- You what ? Blondie's got something for me, - ain't you ? - No.
Yes.
Daisy, give 'em the stuff.
- They're only about 12.
- Look at them.
Woo, mama ! Just what I've been looking for.
- I cannot believe this.
- Tim.
- I got mugged by the Red Hand Gang.
- Come on.
And my girlfriend's sleeping with her boss.
She's not sleeping with her boss.
Besides, what if she is ? Sometimes it pays to be single.
Look at Marsha.
- You know what she told me ? - What ? I was gonna be an 0lympic athlete, you know.
What's that got to do with anything ? I'll tell you.
I was a sprinter.
A fast one.
Why d'you think I've got such ace pins ? They're me souvenirs.
Fork-lightning Klein, they called me.
I was all set for stardom.
Sailed through the districts in '67.
Walked the nationals, all set to wow the 0lympic Selection Committee when suddenly, bang.
- You got shot ? - Might as well have done.
I was coming back from training one night, when suddenly this Mini Cooper comes out of nowhere and knocks me off my bike.
Next thing I know, I'm sprawled on the pavement with this pillock in tight trousers standing over me saying, "Oh, sorry love, didn't see you, I was going too fast.
"I was drunk.
" He gives me his bottle of Jack Daniel's.
"I don't drink," I said.
"Oh, go on, love, it'll help with the pain.
" He was not wrong.
My God.
Fractured me tibia, fell behind on me training, eventually lost interest.
What happened to the pillock ? I married him in '69.
I often wonder what would have happened if I hadn't been knocked off my bike.
Where would I be now ? 'Thanks, Des.
'Coming up, the latest from the Five Nations at Twickenham 'and a report from the Davis Cup.
Tim.
' Thanks.
I'm being stupid, I know.
I'm paranoid.
I've been hurt.
I keep thinking about what happened with Sarah.
That is in the history.
Yeah ? That's past.
Stop thinking about Sarah.
Well, I don't.
I don't think about her, really.
I don't miss her.
I don't think what it would have been like to get married, move into a nice house in Highgate, have a couple of kids and a surround-sound TV.
I don't think about that.
And a studio.
- Thanks.
- You're a winner.
Sod the grass.
You've got good friends.
You've got a good job and you've got a foxy lady.
I'm the luckiest man in town.
Have a nice night, Tim.
Get on that.
This isn't grass.
- What ? - It's oregano.
How can you tell ? I'm a catering student.
Get the car.
Can you make your way out now, please ? We should do this more often.
We could have a blowout for your birthday.
That'd be cool.
Hey, here's a plan.
We go home, we watch some telly and we eat some stew.
Now that's a plan I like.
- Have you got your keys ? - No.
Shit, I've left mine in the other pub.
It'll be closing in five minutes.
What ? You know what.
He who laughs last, laughs longest.
What do you think we should do ? Let 'em have it.
Ooooh ! (# Samuel Barber: "Adagio for Strings") Tim, let's go ! - Minicab ? - Yes, please.
Step on it ! Come on ! You bloody idiot.
Have you any idea how much this car cost ? Why don't you piss off back to Romford where you belong ? You little prick.
Eh ? Eh ? Clever boys.
I'm sorry ! I'm sorry ! Thanks, bye.
I can't believe you said "step on it".
- Why ? - I wanted to say it.
D'you think we'll have to wait here all night ? No.
I'm cold.
Do you know what I was saying earlier on ? About what ? About being single and that.
I think the thing is just not to go looking for it, you know ? I think things happen when you least expect 'em to.
Yeah ? Yeah.
- Isn't that your dog ? - Aren't those your keys ? Yeah ! I must have had 'em all along.
Come on.
Have you two been taking Colin out for a midnight stroll ? Yes.
- Didn't you do reconnaissance ? - Um, sort of.
Come on, you're just in time for stew.
Come on, chop chop.
That was a great stew, Daisy.
Think I'll make another one.