Speechless (2016) s02e05 Episode Script

1 Okay, kids.
I need your help.
I have a big Halloween party tonight.
Which Michael Jackson am I going to be? I've narrowed it down to 10.
Dylan: You bought those? Didn't you get a second job because money was tight? I'm not stupid, Dylan! I already own three of these! Know what? We're here for you.
Try on all of them.
We'll help you choose.
Young man, that is so [Snaps fingers.]
Whoo! All right, that'll buy us an hour.
Let's go find out where Mom and Dad hid the Halloween candy.
- Okay.
- "Ray.
" "Ray.
" "Ray.
" Is this why I didn't get any presents last Christmas? Books, books Jimmy DiMeo "Law & Order" audition? No time! Stay focused! Is that it? - Jackpot! - Yes! Maya: What happened in here? Explain yourselves.
[Chuckling.]
It's okay.
I knew you'd find it eventually.
So, uh what'd ya think? We found the Halloween candy in the duct.
What? We just bought the candy.
We've never hidden it in the duct, so whatever you found there is God knows how old.
You didn't eat any, did you? - JJ: [Moaning.]
- Oh, JJ.
- [Moaning continues.]
- What do you expect? You ate half a bag of 60-year-old candy.
We went to the store for one minute! Where's Kenneth? What the hell did you eat? Uhh Hi.
I need to push back our escape room reservation.
The name's DiMeo.
Yeah, two hours would be would be perfect.
Uh, just lock me in.
[Laughs.]
Hello? Aw! They hung up before hearing my pun.
I was just trying to decide which Michael Jackson costume I'm gonna wear to my party.
I'm gonna do them all old to young.
10 changes this to Jackson Five.
What question do you think I asked that this is answering? Oh, how is he? He keeps having hallucinations.
He thinks that I'm the manager of a greasy spoon.
"Where are my damn" C-U "curly fries?" I don't Bad news, Old Michael.
You made this mess.
You're dealing with our trick-or-treaters till he recovers.
The way you make me feel There should be lots of fun horror movies on.
What do you say we watch one? "No, no, no.
" He hates how in those movies, people in wheelchairs are always the victim or some angel.
He wants to be the bad guy.
Why would you want to be the bad guy? "They'd never see it coming.
" - That was lucid.
- "You call this a" - P-A "patty melt?" - Less so.
What? You can cancel my plans, but you can't cancel my costume.
Mnh.
Oh, "The Exorcist".
That's a good one.
[Screaming.]
I am sorry I broke the thing, but if you say I can't karate-chop your board in half, you know I'm gonna karate-chop your board in half.
Hey, man.
Uh can you move? Well, joke's on you, 'cause I loved that! Maybe we can find a replacement board in here.
History biology Arcane tomes and cursed letters? Could be something.
Uh when did they add this? - [Bats screeching.]
- Whoa! Oh.
Maybe a Ouija board could work.
Evil.
I'm gonna chalk that up to the A/C.
[Dusts, blows.]
It tingles when I touch it, but this will do.
Um JJ? [Gasping.]
Ohh! Uh you could control stuff with your mind before, right? JJ, your knees are tight.
Really tight.
It's like it's resisting me.
Kenneth: Now, JJ, be nice.
[Screams.]
[Glass shatters.]
I'm okay! Kenneth, you better have a good reason for defenestrating Joyce.
I know words! Full disclosure due to a mishap involving a Ouija board that could've happened to anyone, JJ might be under the control of an evil spirit.
- What?! - JJ, is this true? [Distorted.]
"Yes.
What is this? I'm in the" K-I "kid, but.
.
" T-A "talking through this clown.
" Oh, yes, JJ's nonverbal.
He communicates through a board and a clown.
An aide.
Does the evil voice happen to anyone who tries to read for you? [Distorted.]
"Yes.
" [Normal voice.]
Ah! Creepy! We need to end this! Swap that board out with a normal one.
On the phone with the insurance now.
Hello.
Yes.
Uh, I need a new communication board for my son right away.
The one he's currently using seems to have invited some sort of dark force into his person.
- Okay.
- [Cellphone beeps.]
Yeah, it'll be three weeks.
- [Sighs.]
- "Wow.
Dealing with insurance is a real hassle.
" Oh, our family's dealt with worse.
At what point?! "Is he always like this?" [Normal voice.]
Uh, yeah.
- Every day.
- No idea.
Joyce: I think I spoke too soon on the whole "I'm okay" thing.
Who forgot she was out there? Oh, uh, the ramp is over here, Evil JJ.
[Distorted.]
"So inconvenient.
I never knew the challenges the disability community faces.
This experience is really opening my eyes.
" How nice that you see this as a learning opportunity.
Maya had to fight to get this ramp put in.
"Wow.
You're a great mom.
" Stop, you charmer.
I know how you do.
I called you in to discuss JJ's recent behavior.
Now, I take pride in treating JJ as I would any other student.
I'd be having this talk with any parent whose child murdered an English teacher.
JJ didn't do that.
He's an angel.
Mm [Growls.]
[Puking.]
[Groans.]
I just talk for the guy! Make him puke! DiMeos, we all know JJ's behind this.
What do you want us to do? The new board doesn't arrive for weeks.
[Distorted.]
"Ugh.
Insurance.
And people say I'm evil.
" [Laughter.]
You're fun.
We're not gonna wait weeks.
Luckily, Lafayette does offer exorcism services.
We have a resident expert who is waiting to see us.
Yo, there! You're the exorcist? Oh, little-known fact those online certificates you get to perform a wedding also cover exorcisms.
Yeah! So, just get JJ up on the table while I go wash up.
I don't want what he has, and believe me, he does not want what I have.
[Groans.]
[Normal voice.]
"Don't do this.
" Oh, JJ.
Is that you? What do you mean, "Don't do this"? "I'm having fun.
It's" E-M "empowering.
" [Sighs.]
I've always fought for everything you wanted.
I hope you've stretched, because it's time to exorcise! [Laughs.]
JJ powers, activate! Both: Whoa! [Both gasp.]
Right.
Let's get you out of here.
Maya, you two are on your own.
JJ! Stop running me this instant! Maya: JJ, make him skip! JJ! Ah.
Your job is not easy.
Dylan, JJ's gone rogue, and your mom's helping him, and there's no way we can stop them, because of how accessible the school is.
[Singsong voice.]
You're welcome.
Ohh, we can stop him by making this school a wheelchair nightmare.
Dad, catch.
So tough for such a short time.
[All grunting.]
What's this? JJ, stop making me slap me! Are you destroying wheelchair ramps? Mr.
Powers, you're up.
JJ DiMeo, by the power vested in me by marry-your-friends.
com, we are gathered here today at this lovely vineyard to [Chokes.]
[Grunts.]
Oh! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no! I don't want a soda! JJ, don't! He's the only teacher not flunking me.
Oh! And that's gonna be our next conversation.
Oh, JJ! I've always been your champion, but this is really hard.
I mean, on one hand, you're empowered and independent, and that's good, but on the other hand, you're evil and killing people, and that's sort of bad.
- Maya! - Fine.
Evil spirit controlling JJ, I'll miss your destructive ways, but it's time for you to move on.
[Distorted.]
"You know, Maya, I visited your family to annihilate mankind, but you've annihilated something more important my misconceptions on disability.
" [Gasps.]
Can you do one more thing before you go? [Screams.]
I can see my butt! [Screams.]
[Sighs.]
[Thunder crashes.]
[Sighs, chuckles.]
"I'm" B-A "back.
" - Yes! - Yeah! We missed you, buddy.
Hey! Feeling better? Great.
Just in time for the escape room.
Off to my party, DiMeos! [Laughs.]
Shamone! Dylan! That's the candy that made JJ sick.
Oh, no, it's okay.
JJ had the milk chew.
This is the Cincinnati Egg Bar.
[Stomach gurgling.]
Oh! [Gurgling continues.]
Uh not so fast, Kenneth.
You're back on trick-or-treat duty until Dylan's better.
[Voice breaking.]
Shamone.
Hi, I have to postpone our reservation again.
Yeah, the "lock us in" guy.
Then Then why didn't you laugh? - [Stomach gurgles.]
Ohh! - Oh, darling.
Oi, Kenneth?! I'm sorry I let them get at the candy, but I'm down to "Bad" Michael already, and I haven't even left the house.
Oh, please.
Like you don't have three outfits for "Thriller".
All right, my darling.
What horror film do you want to watch while you get through this? [Both screaming.]
What about "Freaky Friday"? The body-swap movie? Body-swapping isn't even scary.
Well, it depends on who you swap bodies with.
I can't marry Ryan! Ew! Ray: Okay, slow down, Dylan! Dylan: No! You keep up! But, Dylan! [Screams.]
Ray! What is so hard about "Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot"? Like I've said, that's not a real giraffe's walking gait.
I mean, are we going for accuracy or not? [Gasps.]
An unguarded bowl? Hey! The sign says "Please take one".
Yeah "take one bowl of candy.
" Ray, you can't live your life in a state of constant anxiety.
And you can't just breeze through life with no respect for the social contract.
For the last time, I don't know what the social contract is! Both: Ugh! Just be more like me! [Thunder crashes.]
Did this bowl have our faces carved on it before? I Eh.
[Laughing.]
"Take one.
" Jimmy: Dylan! Wake up! Relax, dude.
I'm up.
Why did I say that in Ray's dumb voice? [Screams.]
Okay, five mirrors can't be wrong.
There must be a rational explanation for this.
Ray? Dylan? [Both scream.]
[Sighs.]
This confirms my hypothesis! Last night, we switched bodies.
Unswitch it, Ray! You think I want to be in here? You really need glasses.
How do you read?! I just order the hamburger.
Jimmy: Kids, time for school! Shoot.
All right, until we figure this out, we tell no one.
Don't be weird, Ray.
Don't say anything strange, don't do anything strange, and don't be a know-it-all.
I'll do my best.
As for you, I took the liberty of writing up a guide.
Club schedule, some science puns I've been meaning to bust out.
Oh! And these are a list of allergies I suspect I have.
Ray, I think I can handle your life.
Oh, and, Dylan, I e-mailed a love poem to Taylor yesterday and accidentally CC'ed the football team.
- Ray! - I know.
I'm kind of glad you're dealing with it.
That's for comparing my eyes to a nebula.
- It is a planet! - It's not a planet! [Indistinct arguing.]
[Screams.]
And Pluto's a dog! C-minus?! Ouch! Oh, my God.
I love being Dylan.
We know, dear.
You don't have to say that every day.
Dad! What do you do if you're trapped in the wrong body? Whoo, boy.
Uh I'll be honest.
I'm not sure I know enough to have this conversation.
Uh I will say your mother and I love you no matter what.
Ugh! You're useless! Okeydoke.
Time for ice cream.
The bowl.
That's it! Thanks, Dad.
Honey! I think I'm woke! Ray, we need to talk.
What am I wearing?! It's a romper! Boys can't wear them, but girls can.
So I figured, "When in Dylan" Look, Dad said something that made me realize how this happened.
We both had our hands on this weird bowl.
Maybe if we do that again, we'll switch back.
Yeah.
Maybe later.
- What? - Look at me.
No homework, people think I'm cool, and I have the vitality of Hippolyta, Queen of the Amazons.
Ray, stop saying lame stuff with my mouth! Sucks to be me! [Clippers buzzing.]
Switch back now, or I will shave your eyebrow.
Empty threats, Dylan.
Really? [Laughing.]
Oh, whoa! I look crazy! Shave the other one, too.
I'm never switching back.
Dad, I'm gonna tell you something that's gonna sound crazy.
I'm Dylan.
Ray and I switched bodies on Halloween, and now he won't switch back because my life is better than his.
Dylan, is this true? I don't know what Ray's talking about.
Let's test this out.
Dylan, what's the biggest planet in our solar system? Texas? That's Dylan, all right.
And her new tattoo really contradicts what you're telling me.
What? No.
No! No, it's true! You have to believe me! Well, I suppose there is one person we could talk to.
Thank you for calling.
This sounds very serious.
What's your diagnosis, Doctor? Your son's a certified cuckoo bird.
No! All right, come on.
[Whimpers.]
That's it! That's the bowl! Very good, Ray.
It is a bowl.
Ray! Tell them! See ya in a year! Ray!! No! [Gasps.]
Dylan, I made you some tea.
I'm not wearing a romper, Ray! Ever! Why not? They're nice.
Okay, people, candy hallucinations over.
Our new Halloween tradition is back on track! Let's roll out! Oh, surely this candy can't affect adults.
No! How have you lived so long? You see that? I saved us from missing the escape room.
Oh, boy.
Um I'm sorry, Kenneth.
Our reservation is just for five.
What?! You made me miss my party, and I don't get to go to the escape room?! Yeah, thanks for understanding, Kenneth.
Okay, DiMeo family, good luck.
[Laughs.]
"Lock us in" I just got it.
Yeah, it's fun, right? [Clunk.]
[Distorted.]
You are inconsiderate, reckless, and four hours late! Here, you will change your ways, or you will pay! You will all pay! [Laughs evilly.]
Did they write this just for us? - Cool! - Bit preachy.
"What is our" C-H "challenge?" "Be on time".
Pass.
Come on.
Give us another one.
[Beeping.]
Ooh, maybe we're supposed to stand on this blue square.
[Clock ticking.]
Mom, hurry up! Well, I'm sure you don't have to be there exactly as the clock hits zero.
- [Beep, electricity crackles.]
- [Screaming.]
What the heck?! That kills! Be on time, Maya! Be on time! How does he know Mom's name? This isn't a normal escape room.
No.
This is an awesome escape room! [Beeping.]
Everyone, get over here.
Guys, look! A banana.
- [Clock ticking.]
- Maybe it's a clue.
Oh, oh, oh.
Oi! Masked man? We found the banana! The challenge is to be on time! - [Beep, electricity crackles.]
- [Screaming.]
Ticktock, Maya.
Wow, wait so, in order to get out, Mom has to be on time? This is your worst nightmare.
Wait.
This is my nightmare.
Now that I know it's a dream, I can control it.
We're in a meadow.
A beautiful maiden - [Electricity crackles.]
- [Screaming.]
Ticktock.
- [Beeping, electricity crackling.]
- [Screaming.]
Oh, snap! - [Electricity crackles.]
- [Screaming.]
- [Electricity crackles.]
- [Screaming.]
Come on! "On time"! I'm actually on a clock! Seriously? This was supposed to be the easy room.
You know what? Forget it.
Into the next room.
They re-created our living room? This is crazy! You know what's crazy? This whole thing was only $40! "Follow the rules".
When do I ever not? "Do not touch.
" So there must be a key that we can touch.
"Do not touch," "Do not touch," "Do not touch.
" Loophole a grab is not a touch.
No, wait! [Screams.]
Loophole doesn't work, does it? No.
How does this not wake me up?! I'll help you.
Aah! Ooh! We're supposed to use the banana with Ray's severed hand.
The banana's not a clue! It's my snack! Oh, well done, darling.
I got the key.
- Yes! - Seriously? Cheating on the puzzle about following the rules? Ay yi yi yi yi-yi-yi.
Ray: [Groans.]
When will this torture end? Guys, I think we need the key to open this box.
Oh.
The key from the other room? Yeah, no, I lost that ages ago.
Unbelievable.
Ugh! "Dunk a basketball".
"That's impossible.
None of us can do that.
" I can dunk.
[Laughter.]
What? I have ups.
[Hissing.]
Looks like we're being poisoned.
No time to stretch.
Bring in da noise.
Bring in da funk! "A" for effort.
Aah! [Echoing.]
This hole is so deep! - [Thud.]
- Dad's dead! Stupid banana hand! Oh, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I wish Kenneth was here to dunk.
Kenneth: Exactly! Kenneth, what are you doing here?! I built this whole place to teach you a series of moral lessons.
"Be on time" because you always make me wait.
"Follow the rules" because you never do.
And "Dunk a basketball" because I also want to be invited to escape rooms.
That seems fair, Kenneth.
All right, well, let me get us out of here before my gas kills us.
Check it.
[Groans.]
Oh.
- Huh.
- [Coughing.]
Guess it's been a while.
[DiMeos coughing.]
Oops.
[Screams.]
[Gasping.]
What was with that dream? I didn't even eat the old candy.
I just ate what we've been giving trick-or-treaters.
So, I gave all those kids Oops.
[Doorbell rings.]
Aaaaah! [Chuckles.]
I guess that old candy has a variety of side effects.
I'll say it does.
Give us a kiss, Kenneth.
What? And me, Kenneth.
Yeah, kiss us both for Halloween.
- No.
- Kiss us.
- No! - Kiss us.
No! Nooooooooo!! Oh, my God.
Benjamin Button Michael Jackson is the perfect costume! [Laughs.]
Oh, hot tub Halloween nap, you done done it again.