Splitting Up Together (US) (2018) s02e05 Episode Script

1 Thank you, kids, for taking a break from your reading, gaming, and Pyrokinesis.
Nothing yet.
Right.
Now, as you well know, the work starts today on the house.
Can we get an underground mall, - like Barbra Streisand has? - Why do you know that? There is no one who covets a subterranean Cinnabon more than me, but I'm pretty sure it would be a permitting nightmare.
In addition to the presence of workers, there might be migrant dust particles and VOCs, which I will be doing my best to shield you from.
So, we are selling? No, we are fixing.
Because things need to be fixed.
And that is all.
For now.
Oh, we are headed straight for apartment city.
I can already hear the upstairs neighbors.
Mom, no.
I wouldn't flourish in an apartment setting.
You know that about me.
I have always wanted a doorman.
No doorman, no apartment city, just repairs.
- Ohh - Now, Vlad and his men are gonna be here any minute, so let's not set anyone on fire with our minds, okay? The easier we make it on them, the more efficiently they'll work, and the sooner they will go away.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
If we just had that doorman.
Welcome! Welcome.
Welcome to you.
Please come in but stay only on the path I've fashioned to help curtail the spread of your debris.
VLADISLAV: Wow.
You you really rolled out the paper carpet for us, huh? Well, I'm just trying to make both our lives easier.
Thank you for restricting our movements.
Here's the good news.
At the end of the paper path, you'll find a refreshment station featuring a light continental breakfast.
Today's selection is fresh, hot waffles.
What I really need right now is Ee-van.
Ee-van? Ivan.
John.
Your John.
Had a bochka of coffee on the way here, so [SIGHS.]
nature calls.
Seriously, you guys don't come with your own facilities? I have a call in to a guy but right now, I just need your your bathroom and your your Wi-Fi password.
Password.
- The password is "password".
- Keep giving me hope for a better day Keep giving me love to find a way Through this heaviness I feel, I just need - Someone to say everything's okay - Everything's okay - - - [TELEPHONE RINGING.]
- [MOUSE CLICKING.]
- - Mmm mm-hm.
- Marty McFly, how goes it? Come on, Holly.
I hate when you call me that.
Okay, don't get all Martin Short with me.
Did I catch you at a bad time? Looking at porn? Pretty hot for these bespoke adventure vans.
Take a look.
Camping with a full kitchen and a flat screen.
Good Lord, you've gone soft on me.
- What, me?! No.
- Mm.
Who's gonna tell ya if not your work wife? I was looking at the perk board.
You've got three months' worth of unused "Play Days"! - I do? - You do.
[SIGHS.]
Seize the play.
Play Day.
ARTHUR: Is that where they trick you into working hard by making it sound fun? No, those are Hooray Days.
- Ooh! Those do sound fun! - Yeah.
Yeah, Play Days are paid vacation that have to be spent doing something outdoorsy.
I used to take full advantage of mine, but Lena always hated the camping.
She nay'ed my play until one day, you know, I just stopped going.
That's so sad.
[WHISPERING.]
I hate that story.
Marriage has a sneaky way of making you change the parts of yourself that you value most.
I know.
Camille's making me get adult braces, - and my teeth are completely fine.
- Let me see these.
- What? They're beautiful! - Thank you.
Maybe it's time we put our foot down.
Maybe! I'll be honest, I don't intend to.
I already have my molar bands.
No, I was really just talking about my thing.
- The great outdoors, man.
- Yes! - Yes.
You should come! - No! Come on! Come on.
Don't you want to know how freeing it is to only worry about survival? Don't you want to prove that you can make it off the grid? Not really.
I love the grid.
The grid charges my Tesla.
- [TANGO MUSIC PLAYS.]
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
No, no, no, I got it.
Don't worry about it.
Just throw it anywhere.
Oh, no, here's good.
Martin! - Can you believe this?! - Believe what? They're treating our house like a dump.
There's debris everywhere.
I know.
Of course there's debris.
They're working.
Are they? Because it looks like they're having coffee and eating burgers.
Mm, well, maybe if you hadn't set up that waffle kiosk.
- So you're not gonna say anything? - Nope.
- Got it.
Per usual, it's on me.
- Yep.
Vlad you got a second to talk shop? Sure.
I hear there's a sale at Bloomingdale's.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
We've got a regular Yakov Smirnoff over here.
You mean it as a burn, but I take it as a great compliment.
So, I'm hoping that after you finish your coffee klatch, you and Carl's Junior are gonna get around to tidying up and dealing with my foundation? - That's the plan.
- What's the plan? What you just said.
Okay, look, I am going to need some real information, and I want you to figure out the root of the problem.
- I know the root.
- You gonna tell me? Sure.
It's wet.
- What's wet? - The, uh, crawl space.
The soil.
There's moisture.
Vlad, hear me.
I vent.
I dehumidify.
I'm doing my part.
Your dirt is still damp.
My dirt is still damp? You're gonna look me in the eye and tell me my dirt is still damp? Your dirt is still damp.
- I told husband.
- Okay, don't tell husband.
Tell me.
Husband doesn't care.
I'm here, I'm front and center.
- I'm - Geological engineer? I'm emotionally invested, Vlad.
- Hmm.
- So, tell me, how do we take care of the moisture? Finish the crawl space.
You talking vapor barrier? That could be one of the solutions, - yes.
- Was that a smirk? Not a smirk just my face.
- It looked like a smirk.
- Face.
- [TANGO FLOURISH.]
- [MARTIN SIGHS.]
Think of it.
24 hours of camping, fishing, and hunting.
Can I start the fire? What? No.
Forget it.
You said that weird.
[SIGHS.]
Let's hear it.
Dance for me.
Uh, Wiccan.
Uh, uh, Lilith-journals.
Ani DiFranco.
- Um birds - Birds? - Ugh! - Where's Mason? [SIGHS.]
- Upstairs drowning in self-pity.
Still with the Hazel breakup? Pretty clear she made the right choice.
- Am I right? - [SIGHS.]
Mace, hey.
I get where you're at right now, bud.
I really do.
I've been there myself.
But trust me, it's not gonna make you feel any better to stay cooped up in your room all weekend, sucking at video games.
He's not gonna be cooped up in his room all weekend.
It's Curls Night.
- What? - Tomorrow, it's Curls Night Out! - It is? - I put it on the calendar.
What the hell's a Curls Night Out? Every so often, me, Mae, and Mason you know, everyone with curly hair we go out on the town, just us curls.
We get a sitter for Milo.
Curls Night Out?! No! No, no! Absolutely not! Our son is on the cusp of becoming a man, Lena! We need to nurture his virility, teach him how to be confident and strong, not emasculate him.
Last time we saw "Dear Evan Hansen" and went to Sephora.
- It was pretty lit.
- Yeah.
You know what's really gonna be lit, Mace? Our campfire.
When we go camping.
This weekend.
Huh? Right, bud? I-I guess Whoa! It's not your weekend! Oh, that's right.
It's not.
That's why I'm going camping in the woods, and I'm inviting our big, strong - son to come with me! Come on! - Ow! No pressure from me, Mace.
You do whatever you want.
I-I guess I'll go with Dad? That's my boy! Yeaaahhh! - Whoo-hoo-hoo! "Play Day" in full effect! - Dad! Come on.
Alright, we'll miss you, Curl.
We are going to own the outdoors, man! We are going to show the wild that we are strong, capable men! [TOILET FLUSHES.]
How far away are we from installing the flooring? - Good morning.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Did you want pleasantries? How was your 18th dump in my bathroom? You're a real charmer.
Let's talk flooring.
So, I did a little independent research, and the experts say flooring needs to breathe for 10 days before install.
Wow, you're so good at this.
- Home repairs? - Eh, making people miserable.
She's gonna buckle, Vlad.
You install that wood without letting her acclimate, and we both know she's gonna buckle.
Did you learn Russian? - A little.
- Huh.
Well, I beg you, please let me do my job.
All you have to do is just sit there and look pretty.
In this country, women don't take that as a compliment.
And correct me if I'm wrong, but you would never speak to a man that way.
Because I never get a chance to! Where is the man of the house?! Because frankly, I would rather be communicating with him.
Well, you're looking at him, baby! As far as you're concerned, I am the man of the house.
- - [OWL HOOTS.]
MARTIN: Alright.
This looks pretty good.
Good ground coverage.
Ah, this is it.
[SIGHS.]
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
Mmm.
Oh.
Ice-cold water after a long, sweaty hike, I tell ya, that's the best taste in the world.
[SIGHS.]
You thirsty, Mace? What the hell, man? I'm sticky and I'm sweaty.
I need to take a shower.
A shower?! [SCOFFS.]
We're camping.
Does that mean we can't wash? [SCOFFS.]
I mean - I guess you could wash in the stream.
- Okay, perfect.
Just do me a favor and take off that ridiculous shower hat, okay? I don't want the wildlife laughing at you.
[WOODPECKER TAPPING, BIRDS CHIRPING.]
What's wrong? I don't want to take it off.
What? Why? I don't like it when wet hair lays against my head.
- It squeeves me.
- It squeeves you? - Since when? - Since always.
What about swimming? I don't go under.
You never go under? Unless I have access to a hairdryer, which I'm assuming we don't? - We don't.
- So, this weekend, I'm just not gonna get my hair wet, okay? Okay.
I guess.
I'm sorry if I'm disappointing you.
[SIGHS.]
No.
No.
No, no, no.
[CHUCKLES.]
You're not, buddy.
You're fine.
You know what, you're great.
Why don't you go freshen up in your bonnet, and, uh, then we'll make camp, alright? Okay.
[SIGHS.]
Yeah.
Yeah.
Can't forget that.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION IN RUSSIAN.]
[LAUGHTER.]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION IN RUSSIAN.]
VLAD: Forget about the flooring.
It's the lady who needs to get laid! [LAUGHTER.]
LENA: Believe you me, they were not talking about my maple hardwood, which, incidentally, I had to order from two separate venders - and paid twice the shipping.
- You told me.
Martin's the one who decided we were gonna do these home repairs, but I'm gonna wind up navigating the whole thing solo.
What if you don't navigate it? [LAUGHS.]
We shall see.
What do you think happens when I'm out of Vlad's hair for a minute? Nothing.
Not a thing.
That's exactly right.
She gets it! Noooo, I don't.
Look, it's, um it's dawning on me very, very clearly now, and I'd be remiss if I didn't say it you do need to get laid.
Come again? Look, I think you're so focused on these stupid house repairs, you're neglecting your self-care.
I self-care! Every other week when I have access to the tub.
Okay, look, it just feels like you're directing your frustrations at this Russian contractor guy.
You need to get out of the house for a minute.
Go have your own "Play Day.
" [BIRDS CHIRPING.]
- [CELLPHONE BUTTONS CLICKING.]
- - [MESSAGE SENDS.]
- [PHONE BEEPS OFF.]
MARTIN: Isn't this cool? We're hunting for dinner, just like our forefathers did.
Yeah, or we could just eat Wheat Thins like our foremothers packed.
Hey, you know what would go great on those? Fresh hunk of deer.
[WHISPERED.]
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, okay.
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, Come on, baby.
[SIGHS.]
Come on, baby.
- Run! - Oh! Dude.
What the hell? I-I'm sorry, okay? I-I-I I just I don't want to kill animals.
But I was gonna kill it.
Well, I don't want you to kill it either, okay? - [SIGHS.]
- So I gave him a heads-up.
Cool, yeah, good looking out, Mace for that deer, I mean, 'cause us? We don't have dinner.
Man, I bet those curls are two Shirleys deep by now.
[SIGHING.]
Oh, man.
- WES: [EXHALES DEEPLY, CHUCKLES.]
- That is what they call a "nooner.
" Was that a "nooner"? Or does "nooner" mean something else? No, that that definitely qualifies as a "nooner.
" Well, a late nooner? [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
- Mmm.
Oh, God.
- [SIGHS.]
I really have to thank you.
I think you just saved my life.
- Is there some way I can repay you? - [SIGHS.]
- Hmm? Um - I make a killer omelet Sorry, I I feel like that might irritate my girlfriend.
Your girlfriend? - You still have a girlfriend? - Yeah, Meegan.
And the omelet would annoy her? We just had sex.
- I know, but we're poly.
- Poly? We're allowed to experience intimacy with other people, but we always try to have dinner with each other.
MEEGAN: Helloooo [GASPS.]
Hi! Wow, afternoon delight! - Yum, yum, yum! [CHUCKLES.]
Yes! - [WES CHUCKLES.]
Ooh, I want bites.
I want bites.
Yum, yum, yum, give me bites.
- Gimme, gimme.
[LAUGHS.]
- [WES CHUCKLES.]
Look at you.
Natural beauty.
You look so familiar.
- Uh, we actually we met at the - Ooh, ooh, ooh, don't tell me.
I'm so good at guessing.
Let me guess.
[GASPS.]
- Do you work for the DWP? - I do not.
Have you waxed me? Are you my waxer? - No.
- Your face is triggering me.
Are you Maura Tierney? From "The Affair"? No.
Okay, but do you watch "The Affair"? - No.
- Have you binged it? [SILLY VOICE.]
It's super bingeable.
Did you binge it? - Because it's bingeable, hello.
- Babe, babe, she's my I'm the deli lady.
I'm his deli lady, and I came by to drop off some light capicola and Swiss.
I'm gonna kill you! Did you eat without me?! - No! No! - Oh, my - No? - No.
Okay.
[LAUGHS.]
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
- [MEEGAN SIGHS.]
- Bye, Maura Tierney.
- Bye.
- See you, Maura.
- Bye.
Now see? Okay, great, now pull it taut more, more, more, more, very good.
Okay, now drive it into the ground right there.
There you go.
Perfect.
Now step on it hard.
[STAKE SNAPS.]
Uh, I think I broke it What? You couldn't have.
I messed it up.
Like I mess everything up.
- No wonder she left me.
- [SIGHS.]
She didn't leave you.
She walked out on me.
Walked out where, to the gymnasium? I mean, you you weren't living together.
You're teenagers.
Okay, I know you're all ready for me to get over Hazel, but I-I just can't yet.
Okay, I-I get it.
Okay, I-I get it.
She she hurt your ego, she wounded your pride.
No.
I-I don't care about either of those things.
She hurt my heart, and I'm I'm sorry, but I-I still love Hazel, even if she doesn't love me.
Right, right.
Right, I-I yeah, but you gotta [SIGHING.]
You know, you gotta pick yourself up by the bootstraps, don't you? You gotta soldier on.
Why? I'm not in the military.
I'm in high school.
I-I want to feel all my feelings.
Like Drake.
I'm I'm sure the same sort of thing happened when you and mom first broke up, right? You didn't just, you know, "heal" overnight? No.
To some degree, maybe.
[SIGHS.]
Look, Mace, sometimes it's healthier to try to not focus on stuff that hurts, you know? I guess, but if you wanna come out on the other side, you have to go through it, right? So that's why sometimes I just put in my earbuds and listen to this.
[LUKAS GRAHAM'S "7 YEARS" PLAYS.]
Once I was 7 years old my momma told me "Go make yourself some friends or you'll be lonely" Once I was 7 years old - It was a big big world, but we thought - [SIGHS.]
- We were bigger, pushing each other - I've never felt so small.
- To the limits, we were learning quicker - I know it's not very manly, - but - Hey.
Hey, no.
You are more of a man than I am.
I'm serious.
You are.
I really admire you, pal.
Why? You know yourself.
You know what you like, what you don't like, and you're already brave enough to be that person.
And that's pretty awesome for someone your age.
And that may be the most important survival skill there is, aside from knowing how to purify water.
That one's imperative.
[SIGHS.]
Never rich so we were out to make that steady figure [TOGETHER.]
Once I was 11 years old My daddy told me Go get yourself a wife or you'll be lonely Once I was 11 years old MARTIN: 11 years old I always had that dream Like my daddy before me So I started writing songs I started writing stories Something about that glory Just always seemed to bore me 'Cause only those I really love - Will ever really know me - LENA: Wow! - Once I was 20 years old - Look at this yard! And you opened the flooring, and you got your own Ivan.
Well, I told you I had somebody bringing it.
You really did everything I asked.
Well, I always was gonna do what you asked, but just not when you ask.
Yes, we both see I work better when you leave me alone, so let's do it again soon, huh? It's really cute.
Did you get that for me? - [CLEARS THROAT.]
No.
- Really? It kinda feels like you picked it for me.
It's pink.
That's gender-typing.
Besides, it's not pink.
No? [SIGHS.]
It's more of a more of a borscht.
Hmm.
Feels like you picked it for me.
MARTIN: I got to hand it to you, it's looking pretty good around here.
You really whipped those guys into shape, huh? Actually, I didn't.
I took your advice, - and I completely backed off.
- Hmm.
Then I took Camille's advice, and Well, actually, it was the workers' advice.
Long story short, they did alright.
Oh, they did more than alright.
And since the floors are now breathing, the whole family gets to camp out.
MASON: Now drive it in the ground right there.
So you guys had fun on your Play Day? Fun? No, no, we mostly cried into a box of Wheat Thins.
But it was cathartic.
Our eyes were wet, but our hair was dry.
- [SIGHS.]
- [PAUL SIMON'S "MOTHER AND CHILD REUNION" PLAYS.]
And speaking of which, whatever it is you're doing with Mason, keep it up.
He's a great kid, and I'm pretty sure I had nothing to do with it.
- [CHUCKLING.]
- Well, he was sorely missed at home.
- Big curls to fill.
- Mm.
Will these keep overnight? Sure, I'll just set them with some spray.
Okay, thanks, Mom.
Please tell me that washes out.
I know it doesn't seem like it at this precise moment, but they really are a mix of both of us.
- You think? - I think.
I don't know.
[CHUCKLING.]
- Alright, well, goodnight, curl.
- Goodnight, curl.
- No, I would not give you false hope - Alright, bedtime.
- No - On this strange and mournful day - [GROANS.]
- But the mother and child reunion Is only