Squidbillies (2005) s02e05 Episode Script
Giant Foam Dickhat Trouble
% My dreams are all dead and buried % % Sometimes l wish the sun would just explode % % When God comes and calls me to His kingdom % % l'll take all you sons of bitches when l go % - My turn.
- Hell, no.
- Man, let me drive that thing.
Come on! - Do not touch the trim! Early, l'm not gonna ask you again, now.
lf you come out right this minute, l can guarantee your safety.
l ain't goin' nowhere, except hell, and l'm takin' you with me.
Early, the talkin' part's over.
l'm countin' to three, then l'm comin' in.
You better have both them guns a-blazin'.
One two Come on, Early.
We're gonna be late for church.
Oh, hell.
ls it Sunday already? Damn, don't time fly when you're drunk as hell? - Now, let's get it on! - Good Lord! - You're wearing that to church, Early? - Listen here, boy.
The Lord made everything, so he must've made this here hat.
- Ain't that right, Granny? - No.
l won that flashing my titas down in PC beach.
And God made PC beach, didn't he? - Oh, he certainly did.
- Yes, he did.
God is gooder than hell.
Right.
lf y'all don't mind, l'm going to sit a few pews away this week here.
l've got the power in me! l feel it! l've got so much holy energy in me.
l've just got to dance it off.
Can l get a hallelujah out there? Anyone? Them speakers sound fine! Thank you, brother Early.
And now, l'd like to ask all of the teenagers to come up to the front for what l call God ls Rad.
High five, teenager.
You want to know what's totally awesome, gnarly, and tubular? Jesus.
But when the devil enters your life, you should say unto thee ''Devil, you are a nerd in my book.
'' When we gonna do the money? Brother Early, we'll get to that later.
l got to it now.
Hat's a-comin' round, folks.
Do generositize it.
Early, we have a proper receptacle for the Oh, my God! But that's my weekend hat! Early, what message do you think your hat sends? Well, just what's airbrushed on there, ''S and f your ass on PC beach '92!'' Early, l think you need to go back in there and ask for His forgiveness.
Then and only then, will you receive more of our canned goods.
Look, Early, that's food.
Food! That's for eatin'.
- There's some yams in here.
- Let's see yams.
- More yams.
- Yam bullion.
- Well? - This is a awful lot of yams in here.
But wait a minute, now, Reverend.
You know today's the big race.
Talladega can wait.
No.
The race war, dumbass.
lt's today! - lt's just a reenactment.
- Quiet, Honky.
- You can't reenact the destiny.
- Early Oh, Lord, who done made all creatures great and small in his own image.
Did you make them fine-ass sounding speakers what would sound gooder than hell at the back of my truck-boat truck? Well, if you don't want me to jimmy-jack them sweet tweeters you best give me a sign.
A new sign.
l done seen that 'un.
Lord, please give me the strength to lift these fine-ass speakers off the Go to the light.
Early.
% Go to the light % % Change your life % % Go to the light % Y'all hear that? That's what it sounds like if we had insurance.
Praise be Jesus.
He's saved.
% Jesus' sheep has found the shepherd in the world % Yes, Granny.
l seen the light, like a DUl roadblock in the sky.
But l pulled a U and hauled ass through the woods and now my life has purpose.
Good-bye, brown party liquor.
Gunnery, you have a good 'un, now.
Masturbation Let's just call it a hiatus.
From now on, l'm a bush hog on the front end loader of the Lord.
And so Early set out to live his life in a more Jesusly fashion.
What's all this stuff, Early? The squid giveth back unto thee whateth he hath stealedeth from thine garageth.
Good Lord, it's my portable digital assistant.
But there's more.
Open thouest tooly chest.
lt's my missing kidney! - Early, you shouldn't have.
- God bless, now.
l mean, you shouldn't have never stole my damn kidney to start with.
l'm gonna arrest you on this one.
Maybe.
Yes, darlin', your chest is full and heaving.
But what about the heart that lays beneath them puppies? Look here.
l want you to read this here literature.
No! Pick it up with the butt cheeks.
So please accept these candied yams as a advance on the child support that l ain't never gonna pay 'cause you just gonna spend it on bathtub crank from my sister.
And also know that l forgive thee for doing the unskinny bop with every damn creature from this valley.
But what can one do for the vagina wants what the vagina wants.
Ain't that right, you whore of Babylon? l'm sorry, Jesus.
l can't help it! She just makes me so damn pissed off.
Check the date on them yams.
No, not you.
Hey, ese.
Vamonos.
Hold on, then.
Oh, wait.
Wait, wait, go back.
Go back.
l didn't get anything after ''Abdula dolla flobud hogwa dowa.
'' l can't go back.
l don't even know where l am.
This here's ancient Hebrewloid from Sumerifornia.
What's this for, anyway? We making literatures to hand out in front of that damn Dokken concert.
But l was gonna see Dokken! - Dokken is devily music.
- But it's a totally different line-up.
lf Don Dokken is involved, it is devily music.
Look there, Rusty.
You misspelled Will you keep it down, for crying out loud? l'm trying to watch me stories and l'm having a really hard time.
Stories? l done give away the story box.
From now on, we going to enjoy this classic butter churn.
Where's the TV? Now l'm pissed! Come on, now.
Everybody take a turn.
ldle hands are the devil's ding-a-ling.
Daddy.
Where you want l go put these worship snakes? Just drape 'em around your neck.
They won't harm you if they don't bite you, but you gotta be predestined.
What's this say, Reverend? Well, l'm not real good with ancient Sumerifornian Hebrewloid but it looks like Early isn't really a big fan of Dokken.
- But it's a whole new line-up.
- Hell, no.
l'll be here for 40 days and 40 nights if that's what it takes to keep these commandments on display.
What's next? They gonna try to take it out of our schools? Bull mess.
l am against it.
l'm against mens kissing mens for any reason.
But when womans do it But that seems all right.
Any womans here willing to make out with another woman? l'm against all digits below and above the number nine.
They all blasphemous.
And nitrogen.
'Cause you know it was brought here on ships by space Jews.
Hell, yeah.
You know the ones.
You! Can l offer you some literature? No, thank you.
l lived it.
Jesus? ls that You, Lord? - Hot diddily damn! - Keep it down.
Look, l'm just here to ask you a favor, OK? Could you please stop talking about me so much? - You're kind of blowing my street cred.
- But Lord, l only l like you.
l do.
l swear.
Technically, l have to, but What's a good way to put this? - You breakin' up with me? - Yeah.
But what about the lights? lt was You, Jesus.
l knowed it.
lt was Cher, OK? - A speaker fell on your head.
- But You saved me! Do you remember your hat? That really offensive one? Apparently, the foam donkey erection was detachable.
That's what saved you.
That's what that was, right, a donkey erection? Nice.
Nice taste there.
Thanks for wearing it to church.
But they're tryin' to take down Your Commandments! - Ain't You wanna do nothin' about it? - Dude, have you even read this thing? lt's a beer ad.
So it is.
Look, let's make a deal, OK? You stop talking about me and l will OK, l'm gonna do this for you.
Take a taste.
Could it be? Party liquor rain?! That's single malt, my friend.
Barrel aged.
And that's quality, not like you know the difference.
Let me get this straight, now.
Every time it rains No, Early.
Just this once.
Well, here we are, Early.
Home sweet home.
Yeah, l'm in here.
- You took care of it, right? - lt's all good.
- Check out this flat screen.
- Yeah, you're the man.
BloodLogic Oh, come on, now.
Nobody cares who these people are!
- Hell, no.
- Man, let me drive that thing.
Come on! - Do not touch the trim! Early, l'm not gonna ask you again, now.
lf you come out right this minute, l can guarantee your safety.
l ain't goin' nowhere, except hell, and l'm takin' you with me.
Early, the talkin' part's over.
l'm countin' to three, then l'm comin' in.
You better have both them guns a-blazin'.
One two Come on, Early.
We're gonna be late for church.
Oh, hell.
ls it Sunday already? Damn, don't time fly when you're drunk as hell? - Now, let's get it on! - Good Lord! - You're wearing that to church, Early? - Listen here, boy.
The Lord made everything, so he must've made this here hat.
- Ain't that right, Granny? - No.
l won that flashing my titas down in PC beach.
And God made PC beach, didn't he? - Oh, he certainly did.
- Yes, he did.
God is gooder than hell.
Right.
lf y'all don't mind, l'm going to sit a few pews away this week here.
l've got the power in me! l feel it! l've got so much holy energy in me.
l've just got to dance it off.
Can l get a hallelujah out there? Anyone? Them speakers sound fine! Thank you, brother Early.
And now, l'd like to ask all of the teenagers to come up to the front for what l call God ls Rad.
High five, teenager.
You want to know what's totally awesome, gnarly, and tubular? Jesus.
But when the devil enters your life, you should say unto thee ''Devil, you are a nerd in my book.
'' When we gonna do the money? Brother Early, we'll get to that later.
l got to it now.
Hat's a-comin' round, folks.
Do generositize it.
Early, we have a proper receptacle for the Oh, my God! But that's my weekend hat! Early, what message do you think your hat sends? Well, just what's airbrushed on there, ''S and f your ass on PC beach '92!'' Early, l think you need to go back in there and ask for His forgiveness.
Then and only then, will you receive more of our canned goods.
Look, Early, that's food.
Food! That's for eatin'.
- There's some yams in here.
- Let's see yams.
- More yams.
- Yam bullion.
- Well? - This is a awful lot of yams in here.
But wait a minute, now, Reverend.
You know today's the big race.
Talladega can wait.
No.
The race war, dumbass.
lt's today! - lt's just a reenactment.
- Quiet, Honky.
- You can't reenact the destiny.
- Early Oh, Lord, who done made all creatures great and small in his own image.
Did you make them fine-ass sounding speakers what would sound gooder than hell at the back of my truck-boat truck? Well, if you don't want me to jimmy-jack them sweet tweeters you best give me a sign.
A new sign.
l done seen that 'un.
Lord, please give me the strength to lift these fine-ass speakers off the Go to the light.
Early.
% Go to the light % % Change your life % % Go to the light % Y'all hear that? That's what it sounds like if we had insurance.
Praise be Jesus.
He's saved.
% Jesus' sheep has found the shepherd in the world % Yes, Granny.
l seen the light, like a DUl roadblock in the sky.
But l pulled a U and hauled ass through the woods and now my life has purpose.
Good-bye, brown party liquor.
Gunnery, you have a good 'un, now.
Masturbation Let's just call it a hiatus.
From now on, l'm a bush hog on the front end loader of the Lord.
And so Early set out to live his life in a more Jesusly fashion.
What's all this stuff, Early? The squid giveth back unto thee whateth he hath stealedeth from thine garageth.
Good Lord, it's my portable digital assistant.
But there's more.
Open thouest tooly chest.
lt's my missing kidney! - Early, you shouldn't have.
- God bless, now.
l mean, you shouldn't have never stole my damn kidney to start with.
l'm gonna arrest you on this one.
Maybe.
Yes, darlin', your chest is full and heaving.
But what about the heart that lays beneath them puppies? Look here.
l want you to read this here literature.
No! Pick it up with the butt cheeks.
So please accept these candied yams as a advance on the child support that l ain't never gonna pay 'cause you just gonna spend it on bathtub crank from my sister.
And also know that l forgive thee for doing the unskinny bop with every damn creature from this valley.
But what can one do for the vagina wants what the vagina wants.
Ain't that right, you whore of Babylon? l'm sorry, Jesus.
l can't help it! She just makes me so damn pissed off.
Check the date on them yams.
No, not you.
Hey, ese.
Vamonos.
Hold on, then.
Oh, wait.
Wait, wait, go back.
Go back.
l didn't get anything after ''Abdula dolla flobud hogwa dowa.
'' l can't go back.
l don't even know where l am.
This here's ancient Hebrewloid from Sumerifornia.
What's this for, anyway? We making literatures to hand out in front of that damn Dokken concert.
But l was gonna see Dokken! - Dokken is devily music.
- But it's a totally different line-up.
lf Don Dokken is involved, it is devily music.
Look there, Rusty.
You misspelled Will you keep it down, for crying out loud? l'm trying to watch me stories and l'm having a really hard time.
Stories? l done give away the story box.
From now on, we going to enjoy this classic butter churn.
Where's the TV? Now l'm pissed! Come on, now.
Everybody take a turn.
ldle hands are the devil's ding-a-ling.
Daddy.
Where you want l go put these worship snakes? Just drape 'em around your neck.
They won't harm you if they don't bite you, but you gotta be predestined.
What's this say, Reverend? Well, l'm not real good with ancient Sumerifornian Hebrewloid but it looks like Early isn't really a big fan of Dokken.
- But it's a whole new line-up.
- Hell, no.
l'll be here for 40 days and 40 nights if that's what it takes to keep these commandments on display.
What's next? They gonna try to take it out of our schools? Bull mess.
l am against it.
l'm against mens kissing mens for any reason.
But when womans do it But that seems all right.
Any womans here willing to make out with another woman? l'm against all digits below and above the number nine.
They all blasphemous.
And nitrogen.
'Cause you know it was brought here on ships by space Jews.
Hell, yeah.
You know the ones.
You! Can l offer you some literature? No, thank you.
l lived it.
Jesus? ls that You, Lord? - Hot diddily damn! - Keep it down.
Look, l'm just here to ask you a favor, OK? Could you please stop talking about me so much? - You're kind of blowing my street cred.
- But Lord, l only l like you.
l do.
l swear.
Technically, l have to, but What's a good way to put this? - You breakin' up with me? - Yeah.
But what about the lights? lt was You, Jesus.
l knowed it.
lt was Cher, OK? - A speaker fell on your head.
- But You saved me! Do you remember your hat? That really offensive one? Apparently, the foam donkey erection was detachable.
That's what saved you.
That's what that was, right, a donkey erection? Nice.
Nice taste there.
Thanks for wearing it to church.
But they're tryin' to take down Your Commandments! - Ain't You wanna do nothin' about it? - Dude, have you even read this thing? lt's a beer ad.
So it is.
Look, let's make a deal, OK? You stop talking about me and l will OK, l'm gonna do this for you.
Take a taste.
Could it be? Party liquor rain?! That's single malt, my friend.
Barrel aged.
And that's quality, not like you know the difference.
Let me get this straight, now.
Every time it rains No, Early.
Just this once.
Well, here we are, Early.
Home sweet home.
Yeah, l'm in here.
- You took care of it, right? - lt's all good.
- Check out this flat screen.
- Yeah, you're the man.
BloodLogic Oh, come on, now.
Nobody cares who these people are!