Staged (2020) s02e05 Episode Script

- Maybe I am inert.
- Oh, Jesus.
- You're not.
- Maybe I am.
Why?
Cos I move through time
like a dust mote
floating. I'm present
but I'm not really there.
When did these conversations
become so poetic?
I'm just afraid of becoming invisible.
I'm afraid of glass and electricity.
- OK.
- So obviously light bulbs are a no-no.
- Right.
- And dying.
Sure.
Oh, this quiet is not good for me.
You should see a therapist.
I've got you.
- I've been struck off.
- Have you? Why?
- Gross incompetence.
- Well, not before time.
Yeah. You know, you have seemed
a little bit more
Ooh introspective recently.
- Have I?
- I mean, don't get me wrong,
you have always thoroughly enjoyed
talking about yourself.
There's a lot to say.
But you've started seeming a bit
What?
- A little
- Yeah?
- Boring.
- Boring?!
Tedious.
Ah, now you're just throwing
around hurtful comments.
- Needy!
- Just cos you won't listen
HE LAUGHS
I do nothing but listen.
That is literally all I do,
every minute of every day
- My thoughts are interesting.
- To you.
I am a public intellectual.
By what standard?!
I was Dictionary Corner on Countdown
on two occasions!
I'm just going through something!
- Oh I have got to go.
- What, already?!
- Yeah, oh, sorry. Time's up.
- I've only had 40 minutes.
Yeah, well, I've got another call.
- With who?
- New York.
Oh, wedding stuff.
Wedding stuff!
I've never been a best man.
Oh, Jesus.
So, I know that we joke about it
and about how much of it was improvised,
and I enjoy that
as much as everybody else.
- It's a funny joke, but
- Would you say 30%?
- 30?
- At least.
- Ten at most.
- Oh. HE LAUGHS
I mean, 25.
This is not a negotiation.
And the Hamlet stuff,
that was definitely me.
- Two, four, six, eight, moot away.
- Yeah.
The having the mug in-shot,
that was all me.
Fucking disco. Uns-uns-uns-uns!
Well, that whole bit, wasn't it?
That was the whole bit,
the whole being on set bit.
Oh, God. Yeah. I mean,
I find it difficult
to remember anything that was scripted.
It's the I mean, regardless
of the percentage,
it's the improv that zings!
Cos all the bits that people
talk about
Muppet dance. Mm-mm-mm-mm!
Yeah. We could have done
without the Muppet dance.
People love that. There are memes
of that everywhere.
So, irrespective of the percentage,
- rr-rr-ah
- 10%.
we contributed a significant amount.
But I wrote it!
I wrote it, I sat down
at a computer, this one,
and I typed the whole thing out.
It took weeks!
Yeah. And we improved it immediately.
Bang!
So, the other Davids and Michaels
have been reading the script
and they're requesting changes.
- They've got notes
- OK.
but I'm not allowed to be a part
of those conversations,
because people don't think
that I had anything to do with it.
- Why not?
- Because that's what you told them.
You told them I didn't write it.
You said that.
- When?
- All the time in all the interviews!
We gave you full credit
in those interviews.
- Full credit?
- Credit.
Hm.
So, I know you're reading with the
other Davids and Michaels today.
We are. Yeah, I'm reading
with the Michaels.
And I am reading with the Davids.
Yeah, I'm sorry that will be boring
for you, Michael.
Well, I'll get through it somehow.
So could I ask a favour,
could you try and find out what
their notes are,
- what their thoughts are?
- I suppose.
Thank you.
And maybe even just talk me up a bit.
- Talk you up?
- Mm-hm.
I mean, we're doing
this under sufferance.
This is, you know,
this is a punishment for us.
Yeah, this is our community service.
- I'm not asking you to lie for me.
- Oh.
Oh, you're not asking us to lie, so
So what are you asking from us,
then, Simon?
Just
tell them I wrote it.
- I don't like it.
- Well, Simon Evans wrote it.
- I don't think I want to do it.
- Right.
I'll read it, but I have my concerns.
- Like what?
- Feels cruel.
Cruel?
Unbarmherzig.
What does that mean exactly?
Merciless, remorseless, pitiless
- Oh, it's supposed to be funny.
- It's not.
- No?
- OK.
It's acrid.
Should we read a bit?
- Sure, then!
- OK.
Um, so it's the scene where
we're looking down
a series of photographs,
I'm going to choose one
and I'm calling out the numbers.
I'll go from the top of the page.
"What about two, one, four, five?"
- "Is that make-up?"
- "I put on a little foundation."
- "You look pox-ridden."
- "I do not!"
"Why do you always do that thing
with your mouth?"
What thing?
"It's just a straight
line across your face."
HE LAUGHS
"You look just like a Muppet."
"Well, your smile
is a straight line too."
"But I've got a twinkle in my eye."
I have a twinkle in my eyes!
- "Your eyes tire."
- Tire?!
- "Like a low-impact Gorgon."
- Oh, fuck you.
See what I mean?
I mean, I just want to make sure
I don't get oversensitive.
- Ah, this is bullshit!
- You should calm down.
Oh, why? Because when I get
emotional, I sound cartoonish?
Oh, I've heard that too.
Look, I wrote a scene today
where I took a shit
from a high height on your
big, stupid, Welsh, hairy head!
OK, good, good.
HE CLEARS THROA
I mean, I've got nothing to say.
Have you got any questions
or anything I can help with or?
The Your writer.
The writer is Simon Evans.
- Is he, like, anti-Scottish?
- I don't think so.
David is just always whining.
I don't think it was meant
as like a cultural comment.
He can't be, he can't be like that,
though, David, in real life.
Can he?
He, he calls me cartoonish later.
Michael's a cartoonish character.
He should have a shark tank in his
basement, a castle in a volcano.
I've done enough of both of them.
Yeah, trust me.
- Listen to me.
- Yeah?
Whatever they say,
Michael's a paper doll.
He's a lazy stereotype.
- David's the real person.
- Yes, yes, actually.
David is the real person.
With real struggles!
He's trying to connect.
Yes, he is trying to connect!
Across distance, strange technology,
just trying to speak and be heard.
Yeah, Michael just keeps
shutting him down.
It's sociopathic.
Yeah. I'd never
thought about that before.
Do you think I sound cartoonish?
Have you ever tried a thing
called actioning?
No. No, I don't think so. No.
You work out what your character's
action is on every line,
like what he or she is doing.
If it can bring this more alive,
- OK.
- then let's try.
So, just, let's try the
Have you got the scene that begins
with David putting his hand up?
- You know that one?
- Yeah, yeah.
I'll be, I'm Joe.
- So
- OK.
- David.
- "Michaels being insufferable!"
Right, great, so what's, what's
David trying to do there?
Whine.
It's, it's sort of better
if you think of it in terms of
what he's trying to do
to the other character.
- OK, oh, right.
- So, what's he trying to do to Michael?
To whine at him.
OK. Um
Yeah, OK, let's just
- Yeah? Carry on?
- Let's do
- Do you want to do another bit?
- Yeah.
What have you got?
Have you got something else there?
"Please, please, please, please!"
So what's he trying to do there?
Desecrate the memory of
Robert the fucking Bruce.
When are we filming?
It has to be ready a fortnight today.
- I'm available.
- Me too.
- It's just an online thing.
- Great.
Just like some sketches
and a celebrity auction.
I have so much time.
So much time.
I snapped at David earlier.
- Why? How come?
- He did a thing.
- Yeah, Michael's struggling too.
- In what way?
He's not sleeping very well.
- David's grinding his teeth.
- Michael's getting headaches.
Do you have any idea why?
He wants to feel mobile,
he wants to go to New York with me,
he wants to hug people, raise a glass,
lift Lyra up and show her off.
Does he talk to anyone?
- A therapist.
- Yeah, maybe.
Talks to David.
I suppose it's good that
they have each other, isn't it?
Well, David is a little two-dimensional.
That's He's fine. It's the
Michael character, really.
- Really, you think?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what we find.
No, he strikes me as quite rich,
sort of quite textured.
Really?
You know, improvisation's key.
- Um
- It's just listening.
- Right, OK.
- Listening and responding.
- But you expect me to be funny.
- Ideally, yeah.
Do you know what, I'm just, I'm just
more comfortable with the script.
Well, it's just that that's the
way we made it work before.
Well, sure, but, you know, Simon,
Simon Evans has sent me a script, so
Yeah, yeah, but, you know, what is
written down is just like a skeleton
- that we then build on.
- Right.
Nuance is key.
You said improvisation was key.
Different keys.
- OK.
- Is that a banister?
Yeah.
You're sitting at the
bottom of the stairs?
Yeah, it's just easier
cos there's lights down here.
It's just, just Yeah, it's fine.
I've never seen inside your house.
I thought it'd be classier.
Yeah, yeah. It's just quite old, David.
What is it made of?
- It's actually plastic.
- Is it?
I'm ready when you are.
Wouldn't get away with that
in Downton, would you?
Should we read some?
Oh, OK.
And Ken Jeong,
you have my CV and
HE SNIFFS
Ah, um
Mm.
Mm-mm-mm.
I am David.
I am an asshole.
Hm.
Huh.
Michael's being insufferable.
You look pox-ridden.
Can you try a different flavour?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Find something kinder.
Yeah, so just like a kinder tone
in the line.
No, no, no.
Put something in that's kinder.
Let's start again,
I'll take it from the top.
- OK.
- "What about two, one, four, five?"
- "Is that make-up?"
- "I put on a little foundation."
- You look really handsome.
- That's great. That's much better.
This must be really hard for you.
- How do you mean?
- You know, reading these same scenes
over and over again, just
seeing a parade of people
just playing versions
of your best friend.
He's not my best friend.
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought
I have a friend in New York.
Still
strange, with all due respect.
I mean, if I were you,
I'd be acting out.
I'd Snapping, you know,
just shouting at birds
No-one does that.
screaming about my deepest fears
with this dude.
He just doesn't get it.
You know, I watch this
and you're the angel,
and he is just doesn't
see your brightness.
It's just like, you know, it's like
IMITATES DAVID: Michael, you know,
I'm jealous of your greatness.
You know, how can I be as great as you?
You know, I don't have your range,
innit?
I'm just not as great.
IMITATES MICHAEL:
Well, don't compare yourself,
it's not a competition.
You know, this is not
It's not Britain's Got Talent, innit?
IMITATES DAVID: I didn't say
it's Britain's Got Talent. It's
I want, you know, I just want
what you have. I want you!
I want what you have, you know.
You know, give me what I want, innit?
IMITATES MICHAEL:
It's, like, it's not like that.
It's just, you know, acting is
energy, it's like a ball of energy.
You're just playing, you're just
tossing it back and forth,
back and forth, innit?
IMITATES DAVID: It's not about that.
It's about having the biggest ball
and the brightest energy!
- Fuck you!
- FUCK YOU!
FUCK YOU, INNIT?!
IMITATES MICHAEL: Fuck you, innit!
I've got to say, it just feels like
we're going against the spirit
No, come on, this is good.
This is much better. Focus in.
Don't, don't, don't lose it.
Pick it up. I'll pick it up.
OK.
- "I'm feeling inert."
- "You're not feeling inert."
"Well, maybe I am."
Well, if you're feeling inert, then
why?
I move through time
like a dust mote, floating,
present, but entirely without impact.
DINGING
I can see that you're grieving.
I'm fine.
You're not fine.
Yeah, I'm fine.
You're not fine.
No.
Michael, you're going through
something profound.
Now, we all identify ourselves
in our reflections,
how people see us.
And your other person isn't seeing you.
You are so right.
I miss
people getting too close to me.
Endless buffets.
WHISPERS: Using that.
Michael's being insufferable!
HE EXHALES DEEPLY