Stan Against Evil (2016) s02e05 Episode Script
The Eyes of Evie Barret
1 Good news, wife.
I've repaired the kitchen door.
The raccoon will vex us no further.
Oh, Silas, you are the most loving of husbands.
I feel so safe when you're near.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! [Thud.]
- Ohhh! - Aah! [Ominous chord strikes.]
Bad news, wife.
It's the constable.
His throat has been slitteth.
[Gasp.]
[echoing.]
La-la La-la La la La-la La La-la la [Suspenseful music plays.]
[Suspenseful chord strikes.]
[Birds chirping.]
You know, just because you used to be sheriff, doesn't mean you can just call me and I'll drive you places whenever you want.
You think I like it, sister? Let me ask ya a personal question.
What's with the "No alcohol in the squad car" policy? - When exactly did that start? - I don't know.
Since the beginning of squad cars? You're out here, tryin' to nail drunk people.
You wanna get 'em, you gotta be 'em.
You gotta [strikes palm.]
Get right in their skin! [sighs.]
What about your car? Ah, you know how Denise likes to park it with the windows open? - It got stolen? - No, a couple of crows flew in there, - [Laughs.]
- made a nest, and, now, she won't let me drive it until the eggs hatch.
Hey, you know a group of crows is called a murder? Yeah, well.
- [Horn honking.]
- Whoa! Whoa! Yeah, that's a close Did you see that?! [Siren chirps.]
[Suspenseful music plays.]
Book 'em, Danno.
Know why I stopped you? - 'Cause I'm good-looking? - [Pen scratching.]
You were speeding.
Mm.
My bad.
If I'd known the sheriff was as pretty as you, I would've gone a lot faster, a lot sooner.
Wow! Hey, I have an idea.
Let's, uh, meet for drinks.
[Cluck-cluck.]
I have an idea, too.
But there'd be too many witnesses.
[Chuckle.]
So that's a yes? [Chuckle.]
Stan, you know that guy hit on me? I can't believe it! This is the third time in a month! I'm sick of it.
And I'm wearing a uniform, for God's sake.
Well, it's your own fault, you know? - My fault? - Clean hair, good gums, you're outside.
You're sendin' all the signals.
What?! No! You wanna hear something interesting? Back when I was sheriff, not a single woman ever hit on me.
- Would you like to know why? - I'm sure you'll tell me.
Because I was wearin' a wedding ring.
Not available.
Los carne marquito es cerrado.
Marquito is not a word.
[Music-box lullaby plays.]
[Bell chimes.]
Hi, there.
Do you have any wedding rings? Something to make me look married or less unmarried, something like that? Isn't that something your fiancé should be buying for you, dear? Yeah, no.
He would be, if I had one, but I am divorced.
Thank God.
No, I just need to look married.
I mean, I get hit on constantly.
I mean, you know what I'm talking about.
You probably I mean, when you were So, do you have anything? I think I do.
Awesome.
- This stone - Hey, there! Symbolizes the lifelong entwining of soulmates.
[Scoffing.]
I'm very bitter.
How much? Why don't you just take it, dear? I'm always happy to help the police.
No, I cou I cou - Seriously? - Mm-hmm.
- Oh, you're gonna put it - Ooh! - On me, wow.
- Perfect fit.
Wow.
I guess it does.
- Thanks again.
- You're welcome.
[Suspenseful music plays.]
[Door opens, bell chimes.]
[Suspenseful music climbs.]
[Music-box lullaby plays.]
I have an idea.
Let's, uh, meet for drinks.
[Cluck-cluck.]
La-la La-la La la La-la la - [Thwack!.]
- La [Eerie music climbs.]
Do-o-o-n't! [Crickets chirping.]
[Gasp.]
[Exhales softly.]
[Birds chirping.]
[Ring.]
[Ring.]
[Exhales sharply.]
[Ring.]
- Yeah? - [Garbled blah-blah-blah.]
Hey, Leon.
[Garbled blah-blah-blah.]
Really? Uh, okay.
I'll be right there.
- [Garbled blah.]
- [Receiver hits cradle.]
[Suspenseful music plays.]
[Siren wails, stops.]
[Car door opens, closes.]
Euuuwghhh.
I waited for you to turn him over in case it's somebody I knew in high school and I hated 'em and start laughin'.
- Thanks.
Help me out.
- Lift with your back.
- [Grunts.]
- Oh! [Thud.]
- Oh! - Huh.
Nope.
Oh, my God.
I gave this guy a speeding ticket yesterday.
Wow.
You think that ticket was the final straw in a miserable, empty existence and he slit his own throat? Wouldn't want that on me.
Uh, hand me the, uh, fingerprint kit.
- [stage whisper.]
Evie.
- Yeah? If I went and got some onion rings, would you want some? Ah! All right.
We find the owner of these handprints, - we've got our killer.
- Evie! - Yeah.
- [whispering.]
Onion rings? Yeah, sure.
Hahhhh [Scoff.]
[Running footsteps.]
[whispering.]
I need some money.
- What's that smell? - Men, Sergeant.
- Stan, I need to talk to you - Ahh, zsh, zsh.
I'm watching one of the greatest motion pictures of the past 200 years.
Little thing called "Ice Station Zebra," starring Rock Hudson.
Now, that's a man's man.
Not like these actors today.
You tell Rock Hudson to go on a juice cleanse, he'd eat a dog in front of ya.
[quietly.]
Okay.
Stan! I think I may have killed someone.
You had me at "killed.
" In my sleep.
- Ahh, you ruined it.
- This is serious! All right, so, I have a dream that I slit a guy's throat, right? It's just a dream.
Sure.
Fine.
No problem.
Today, that same guy shows up dead, on the sidewalk, with his throat slit! Cool! No, it's not cool! It's not cool that I'm killing people in my sleep! It's horrible! No, I meant this baby-crow blanket.
Hahh.
I'm gonna go take it out to the car, to the mama crow.
Ca-caw.
Ca-caw ca-caw-caw! Stan, I don't know what to do.
- [Door slams.]
- Do I arrest myself? I mean, how would that even work?! Take a load off.
Do what I do when I'm facing a troubling situation: (a) Do not think about it and (b) Go on about a case of brews.
All the best.
[Slurping.]
[Grunting.]
I got it.
I got it.
[Crash!.]
Excuse me, Sheriff.
I need a restraining order.
I don't even know you! It's for my boyfriend.
He's crazy.
He threatened to beat up my dad because - You! - I do God.
Come on.
Let's go.
No, you hold your horses, mister! You let go of her, right now! [Ominous music plays.]
[Scoffs.]
Oh, yeah? You want a piece of me? You don't have to do this.
He's a child.
Oh, don't you worry.
This won't be the first child I've sent to the hospital.
[Sinister chord strikes.]
[Eerie music plays.]
[Thudding.]
[Suspenseful music climbs.]
[Ominous music plays.]
[Music-box lullaby plays.]
[Ominous chord strikes.]
[Thudding.]
[Ominous chord strikes.]
He's dead! You killed him! You saved me! [Gasp.]
- Mnh.
- Mm! Mm! I want you.
Mnh.
Uh No.
Why don't you go freshen up and I'm gonna draw a chalk outline around your boyfriend's corpse.
No, not here.
Not now.
I'm in mourning.
Call me in an hour.
I know, but I still haven't figured out [Ring, beep.]
Hey, what's up, Leon? - I just killed a guy.
- What? We were fighting and he had a heart attack.
He kicked my ass to death.
[whispering.]
Hey.
Leon killed someone, too.
That's him.
Mr.
Bandwagon.
Wait.
"Too"? Like "also" too? All right.
I'm not totally sure, but you know that guy whose throat got slit? I'm afraid I might've done it.
You think this makes us closer? - What?! - No, nothin'.
I'm just saying.
It's, you know, nice havin' a buddy who's on the same page.
- [Beep.]
- Great.
Listen, I'm afraid to go to sleep tonight.
I mean, what if I kill again?! You'll be fine.
Just don't kill me or Denise.
- Jiminy! - [Panting.]
Pregnancy hormones are like bath salts for crows.
[Exhales deeply.]
Make that just me.
All right.
Guys, I need someone to watch me tonight, to make sure I don't go to sleep.
Well, here, I'd love to do it, but, my ass and my chair are currently having a playdate.
I'll do it, Evie.
I mean, the pain in my face is gonna keep me up for days.
I'll go pack.
Wow-ow, everything really does happen for a reason.
[Chuckle.]
Gosh, she's upbeat.
[Crickets chirping.]
[Sniffing.]
Ewgh.
- Ow! Ow! - Okay! Ow.
Hey, if you want to pick the first movie, go right ahead.
I've got it! [Breathing deeply.]
The screen's black, then the words come up "Welcome to General Cinemas.
" Ta ta-ta-ta Ta-ta-ta, ta-ta-ta Then Dennis Hopper [Inhales sharply, exhales deeply.]
Puts lipstick all over his lips.
[yawning.]
You know what? I'm gonna stop you.
Hold that thought.
I'm just gonna grab some coffee.
[Crickets continue chirping.]
[Suspenseful music plays.]
Sorry about that.
I just [Snoring.]
Great.
[Ticking.]
[Snorts.]
[Snoring.]
[Snort.]
[Staccato snore.]
[Ticking.]
[Snoring.]
[Eerie music plays.]
[Creaking.]
- [Music-box lullaby plays.]
- [echoing.]
La-la La-la La la-la la-la La-la [Creaking.]
La-la La la-la la [Gasp.]
- La-la - [Ring.]
- [Gasp.]
- [Ring.]
[Door slams.]
[Ring.]
Oh.
[Ring.]
- Jello.
- Oh, Stan! Thank God.
Okay, listen up.
I just saw it in my dream.
There is someone in your house and they're trying to kill you.
And it's not me! Because I'm here! And I have nicer hands.
Yeah, I don't know what you drank, but it was too much.
Good night.
No, no, no.
Wait! Stan, I'm serious! - [Outer door slams.]
- Stan?! [Music-box lullaby plays.]
Stan! Stan! [echoing.]
La-la Stan! La-la - La - Stan! What am I wearin'? I'm wearin' my work uniform.
- What are you wearin'? - Hey.
[rapidly.]
Look, I gotta go.
Bye.
Lab reports.
Okay, good.
The fingerprints on the jacket were not mine, which we already knew.
But they don't match anything in the database, either.
Oh! They found a long, gray hair on the jacket.
And guess what was on the end of that! Saltwater taffy.
- What? - Paper clips.
- No.
- Chewin' tobacco.
- Why am I letting you guess? - Motor oil! Why would you? Necrotic flesh.
Like from a dead person.
Oh, so we're lookin' for a dead female who pushes people off of roofs and may, or may not, work at Jiffy Lube.
What? No! Why? Why?! She'd be easy to find, if we had night-vision goggles and a helicopter, but not with our state budget.
It's all wasted on food banks and afterschool programs.
Okay now, this is interesting.
- [Suspenseful music plays.]
- According to the autopsy report, the guy you killed? Had already been dead for a month.
They exhumed his grave.
It was empty.
I-I re-killed a dead guy? This is all starting to make some kind of horrible sense.
I'm gonna check the county records to see if any sheriffs were killed by being pushed off a roof.
I'm gonna call the state capital, see if I can shake loose some of that helicopter money.
[Ring.]
[Ring.]
Helicopter department, please.
[Rattling.]
[Thud.]
Come on.
Oh.
Married.
Seemed happy.
God, socks were cheap back then.
[Sinister chord strikes.]
Clearly, it's the same ring, but, that still doesn't explain why I'm seeing through the eyes of a killer.
You see that woman? She looks just like my new girlfriend.
You could even say she's a dead ringer.
- Mm.
- You know, ring? - Yeah, no, I got it.
- [Laughs.]
- Where does she live? - I don't know.
But you're already calling her your girlfriend? See, this is the thing with you.
You always rush into stuff.
No.
Maybe I just go slow faster than you do.
So the only other lead we have is the old woman at the antique store.
I'll drive.
It's one street over.
Oh, dear God.
Activate action pants! [Rattling.]
Lights and siren.
I'm gonna meet you there.
[Siren wailing, tires screeching.]
Yeah, hey, Stan, it's me.
Listen, I think we got a lead on those killings.
I'm not sure where it's gonna go, but, I think it starts at the antique store, so, uh, meet us there.
[Squeaks.]
- [Tranquil tune plays.]
- [falsetto.]
"Oh, you should just meet us there.
" Uh, yes, sir, miss.
- Jawohl, mein Commandant.
- [Crow caws.]
You know what's the funniest thing? Whenever I put that ring on, I've been seeing murders.
Really? [Chuckle.]
It's just a ring.
Mm.
It's the ring of a dead constable's wife.
And that woman standing behind her? I totally tongue-darted her yesterday.
Yeah, and, if you want to do it again, you'll shave that mustache.
Say what? Ohh.
Yes, Sheriff [chuckle.]
- [Suspenseful music plays.]
- we are one and the same.
Years and years ago, I was Constable Pruitt's mistress.
He promised to leave his wife for me and, then, he didn't.
[Chuckle.]
I couldn't steal him, but, I could steal this.
I wanted him dead, but I I couldn't bring myself to do it, of course.
And then, Constable Eccles appeared to me.
He said that, if I killed Pruitt, I would stay young and beautiful until I found myself a new sheriff to wed.
And that that grew tiresome.
Heh.
Very tiresome.
And, eventually, [breathy chuckle.]
I stopped looking.
It's been almost 200 years.
[crying.]
And then, you came in here, wanting a wedding ring, just to look married, just to keep men away.
[Sputtering laugh.]
I wanted you to see what it's like for a woman who wanted marriage, and it was denied her.
- Couple of things - Yeah, I have a big question.
- What? - What do you think of my mustache? That's your question? - Yeah.
- I wanted to tell you Oh.
Oh.
[Tranquil tune continues.]
[Crows cawing.]
Listen to me.
Either pipe down or I'm gonna throw a cat back there.
How do you like that? Huh? - [Wings fluttering.]
- Oh, for the love of Stop.
[Suspenseful music plays.]
Oh, my God, the roof.
Evie! Leon?! Where are you?! Down! Here! [Suspenseful music climbs.]
- Unhh! Damn it! - [Crows cawing.]
Ah! Jesus, don't peck the driver.
It's time to end this nightmare.
Killing yourself is not the answer.
I'm not gonna kill myself.
I meant it's time to kill you.
- That tracks.
- Mm.
- ["Here Comes the Bride".]
- La la la-la - [Music-box lullaby plays.]
- La la la-la - Uhh - [echoing.]
La-la - La-la - Where did she go? - Right here, dear.
- Ahh! I got her, Evie.
Even if I have to shoot through you to get her.
Okay, I don't think we're there yet.
[Suspenseful music plays.]
In fact, Leon can marry you! - What?! - Shut up! You're doing it! Heh.
You always wanted to marry a a constable.
That's what you said.
But he's only a deputy.
At your age, you can't settle? I mean, I-I could even do the ceremony.
Right here.
Right now! But you just said I always rush into things! [tersely.]
Read the room.
- [Crows cawing.]
- Stan: Are you kidding' me? Ewww! Ohh! That better not be your Oh.
It's your foot.
Okay, uh Okay, do you? Priscilla Atherton.
Pretty name.
Do you, Priscilla Atherton, take this man, Leon Drinkwater, to be your lawfully wedded husband? - I do.
- Great.
Do you, Leo - Yeah.
- Okay.
Uh I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
[Eerie music plays.]
- [Rumble.]
- Ooh! How do you think I feel? Ohhh.
What is happening? Oh, that? Well.
- Agh! - Constable Eccles only guaranteed you eternal youth and beauty until you found yourself a new husband - and, now, you have one.
- N-No.
I guess you'll have to go back to being a normal, everyday, - 200-year-old woman.
- Noooooooooooooo! [Eerie music climbs.]
- Aggggghhhhh! - Aah! Aaaah! [hoarsely.]
I'll kill you.
- Ah! Oh! - What the hell's goin' on here? - [Bones snap dryly.]
- Aah! Ew! - Ohhh! - No.
No-o-o.
- Ugh.
- [Thud.]
Ah, well, everything's fine 'cause we found the murderer, but it's okay 'cause Leon married her.
Yeah, well, I just drove out here in a car full of crows.
Didn't phase me.
You know why? It's Nothing Bothers Stan Tuesday.
- [Bones snapping dryly.]
- Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh! I'm a widow? Oh, buck up there, Leon.
There are plenty of other fish in the sea.
Maybe none quite so old as her, but I don't judge.
That's not true.
I do judge.
But not today.
Everybody gets a pass.
Seriously, Leon, you okay? Yes, th-that was your idea, you know? - I know! - You think I was excited about tonight? Can you imagine what she looked like naked? Oh, I can.
I bet she looked like a pile of peppers.
Wow.
Okay.
I'm leaving.
I have another one.
I bet she looked like her own weight in raisins.
- Goodbye! - A dolphin's blow hole, surrounded by chicken fat? Good night.
Tough crowd.
- [Sizzling.]
- [breathlessly.]
La La-la La la La la la-la La
I've repaired the kitchen door.
The raccoon will vex us no further.
Oh, Silas, you are the most loving of husbands.
I feel so safe when you're near.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! [Thud.]
- Ohhh! - Aah! [Ominous chord strikes.]
Bad news, wife.
It's the constable.
His throat has been slitteth.
[Gasp.]
[echoing.]
La-la La-la La la La-la La La-la la [Suspenseful music plays.]
[Suspenseful chord strikes.]
[Birds chirping.]
You know, just because you used to be sheriff, doesn't mean you can just call me and I'll drive you places whenever you want.
You think I like it, sister? Let me ask ya a personal question.
What's with the "No alcohol in the squad car" policy? - When exactly did that start? - I don't know.
Since the beginning of squad cars? You're out here, tryin' to nail drunk people.
You wanna get 'em, you gotta be 'em.
You gotta [strikes palm.]
Get right in their skin! [sighs.]
What about your car? Ah, you know how Denise likes to park it with the windows open? - It got stolen? - No, a couple of crows flew in there, - [Laughs.]
- made a nest, and, now, she won't let me drive it until the eggs hatch.
Hey, you know a group of crows is called a murder? Yeah, well.
- [Horn honking.]
- Whoa! Whoa! Yeah, that's a close Did you see that?! [Siren chirps.]
[Suspenseful music plays.]
Book 'em, Danno.
Know why I stopped you? - 'Cause I'm good-looking? - [Pen scratching.]
You were speeding.
Mm.
My bad.
If I'd known the sheriff was as pretty as you, I would've gone a lot faster, a lot sooner.
Wow! Hey, I have an idea.
Let's, uh, meet for drinks.
[Cluck-cluck.]
I have an idea, too.
But there'd be too many witnesses.
[Chuckle.]
So that's a yes? [Chuckle.]
Stan, you know that guy hit on me? I can't believe it! This is the third time in a month! I'm sick of it.
And I'm wearing a uniform, for God's sake.
Well, it's your own fault, you know? - My fault? - Clean hair, good gums, you're outside.
You're sendin' all the signals.
What?! No! You wanna hear something interesting? Back when I was sheriff, not a single woman ever hit on me.
- Would you like to know why? - I'm sure you'll tell me.
Because I was wearin' a wedding ring.
Not available.
Los carne marquito es cerrado.
Marquito is not a word.
[Music-box lullaby plays.]
[Bell chimes.]
Hi, there.
Do you have any wedding rings? Something to make me look married or less unmarried, something like that? Isn't that something your fiancé should be buying for you, dear? Yeah, no.
He would be, if I had one, but I am divorced.
Thank God.
No, I just need to look married.
I mean, I get hit on constantly.
I mean, you know what I'm talking about.
You probably I mean, when you were So, do you have anything? I think I do.
Awesome.
- This stone - Hey, there! Symbolizes the lifelong entwining of soulmates.
[Scoffing.]
I'm very bitter.
How much? Why don't you just take it, dear? I'm always happy to help the police.
No, I cou I cou - Seriously? - Mm-hmm.
- Oh, you're gonna put it - Ooh! - On me, wow.
- Perfect fit.
Wow.
I guess it does.
- Thanks again.
- You're welcome.
[Suspenseful music plays.]
[Door opens, bell chimes.]
[Suspenseful music climbs.]
[Music-box lullaby plays.]
I have an idea.
Let's, uh, meet for drinks.
[Cluck-cluck.]
La-la La-la La la La-la la - [Thwack!.]
- La [Eerie music climbs.]
Do-o-o-n't! [Crickets chirping.]
[Gasp.]
[Exhales softly.]
[Birds chirping.]
[Ring.]
[Ring.]
[Exhales sharply.]
[Ring.]
- Yeah? - [Garbled blah-blah-blah.]
Hey, Leon.
[Garbled blah-blah-blah.]
Really? Uh, okay.
I'll be right there.
- [Garbled blah.]
- [Receiver hits cradle.]
[Suspenseful music plays.]
[Siren wails, stops.]
[Car door opens, closes.]
Euuuwghhh.
I waited for you to turn him over in case it's somebody I knew in high school and I hated 'em and start laughin'.
- Thanks.
Help me out.
- Lift with your back.
- [Grunts.]
- Oh! [Thud.]
- Oh! - Huh.
Nope.
Oh, my God.
I gave this guy a speeding ticket yesterday.
Wow.
You think that ticket was the final straw in a miserable, empty existence and he slit his own throat? Wouldn't want that on me.
Uh, hand me the, uh, fingerprint kit.
- [stage whisper.]
Evie.
- Yeah? If I went and got some onion rings, would you want some? Ah! All right.
We find the owner of these handprints, - we've got our killer.
- Evie! - Yeah.
- [whispering.]
Onion rings? Yeah, sure.
Hahhhh [Scoff.]
[Running footsteps.]
[whispering.]
I need some money.
- What's that smell? - Men, Sergeant.
- Stan, I need to talk to you - Ahh, zsh, zsh.
I'm watching one of the greatest motion pictures of the past 200 years.
Little thing called "Ice Station Zebra," starring Rock Hudson.
Now, that's a man's man.
Not like these actors today.
You tell Rock Hudson to go on a juice cleanse, he'd eat a dog in front of ya.
[quietly.]
Okay.
Stan! I think I may have killed someone.
You had me at "killed.
" In my sleep.
- Ahh, you ruined it.
- This is serious! All right, so, I have a dream that I slit a guy's throat, right? It's just a dream.
Sure.
Fine.
No problem.
Today, that same guy shows up dead, on the sidewalk, with his throat slit! Cool! No, it's not cool! It's not cool that I'm killing people in my sleep! It's horrible! No, I meant this baby-crow blanket.
Hahh.
I'm gonna go take it out to the car, to the mama crow.
Ca-caw.
Ca-caw ca-caw-caw! Stan, I don't know what to do.
- [Door slams.]
- Do I arrest myself? I mean, how would that even work?! Take a load off.
Do what I do when I'm facing a troubling situation: (a) Do not think about it and (b) Go on about a case of brews.
All the best.
[Slurping.]
[Grunting.]
I got it.
I got it.
[Crash!.]
Excuse me, Sheriff.
I need a restraining order.
I don't even know you! It's for my boyfriend.
He's crazy.
He threatened to beat up my dad because - You! - I do God.
Come on.
Let's go.
No, you hold your horses, mister! You let go of her, right now! [Ominous music plays.]
[Scoffs.]
Oh, yeah? You want a piece of me? You don't have to do this.
He's a child.
Oh, don't you worry.
This won't be the first child I've sent to the hospital.
[Sinister chord strikes.]
[Eerie music plays.]
[Thudding.]
[Suspenseful music climbs.]
[Ominous music plays.]
[Music-box lullaby plays.]
[Ominous chord strikes.]
[Thudding.]
[Ominous chord strikes.]
He's dead! You killed him! You saved me! [Gasp.]
- Mnh.
- Mm! Mm! I want you.
Mnh.
Uh No.
Why don't you go freshen up and I'm gonna draw a chalk outline around your boyfriend's corpse.
No, not here.
Not now.
I'm in mourning.
Call me in an hour.
I know, but I still haven't figured out [Ring, beep.]
Hey, what's up, Leon? - I just killed a guy.
- What? We were fighting and he had a heart attack.
He kicked my ass to death.
[whispering.]
Hey.
Leon killed someone, too.
That's him.
Mr.
Bandwagon.
Wait.
"Too"? Like "also" too? All right.
I'm not totally sure, but you know that guy whose throat got slit? I'm afraid I might've done it.
You think this makes us closer? - What?! - No, nothin'.
I'm just saying.
It's, you know, nice havin' a buddy who's on the same page.
- [Beep.]
- Great.
Listen, I'm afraid to go to sleep tonight.
I mean, what if I kill again?! You'll be fine.
Just don't kill me or Denise.
- Jiminy! - [Panting.]
Pregnancy hormones are like bath salts for crows.
[Exhales deeply.]
Make that just me.
All right.
Guys, I need someone to watch me tonight, to make sure I don't go to sleep.
Well, here, I'd love to do it, but, my ass and my chair are currently having a playdate.
I'll do it, Evie.
I mean, the pain in my face is gonna keep me up for days.
I'll go pack.
Wow-ow, everything really does happen for a reason.
[Chuckle.]
Gosh, she's upbeat.
[Crickets chirping.]
[Sniffing.]
Ewgh.
- Ow! Ow! - Okay! Ow.
Hey, if you want to pick the first movie, go right ahead.
I've got it! [Breathing deeply.]
The screen's black, then the words come up "Welcome to General Cinemas.
" Ta ta-ta-ta Ta-ta-ta, ta-ta-ta Then Dennis Hopper [Inhales sharply, exhales deeply.]
Puts lipstick all over his lips.
[yawning.]
You know what? I'm gonna stop you.
Hold that thought.
I'm just gonna grab some coffee.
[Crickets continue chirping.]
[Suspenseful music plays.]
Sorry about that.
I just [Snoring.]
Great.
[Ticking.]
[Snorts.]
[Snoring.]
[Snort.]
[Staccato snore.]
[Ticking.]
[Snoring.]
[Eerie music plays.]
[Creaking.]
- [Music-box lullaby plays.]
- [echoing.]
La-la La-la La la-la la-la La-la [Creaking.]
La-la La la-la la [Gasp.]
- La-la - [Ring.]
- [Gasp.]
- [Ring.]
[Door slams.]
[Ring.]
Oh.
[Ring.]
- Jello.
- Oh, Stan! Thank God.
Okay, listen up.
I just saw it in my dream.
There is someone in your house and they're trying to kill you.
And it's not me! Because I'm here! And I have nicer hands.
Yeah, I don't know what you drank, but it was too much.
Good night.
No, no, no.
Wait! Stan, I'm serious! - [Outer door slams.]
- Stan?! [Music-box lullaby plays.]
Stan! Stan! [echoing.]
La-la Stan! La-la - La - Stan! What am I wearin'? I'm wearin' my work uniform.
- What are you wearin'? - Hey.
[rapidly.]
Look, I gotta go.
Bye.
Lab reports.
Okay, good.
The fingerprints on the jacket were not mine, which we already knew.
But they don't match anything in the database, either.
Oh! They found a long, gray hair on the jacket.
And guess what was on the end of that! Saltwater taffy.
- What? - Paper clips.
- No.
- Chewin' tobacco.
- Why am I letting you guess? - Motor oil! Why would you? Necrotic flesh.
Like from a dead person.
Oh, so we're lookin' for a dead female who pushes people off of roofs and may, or may not, work at Jiffy Lube.
What? No! Why? Why?! She'd be easy to find, if we had night-vision goggles and a helicopter, but not with our state budget.
It's all wasted on food banks and afterschool programs.
Okay now, this is interesting.
- [Suspenseful music plays.]
- According to the autopsy report, the guy you killed? Had already been dead for a month.
They exhumed his grave.
It was empty.
I-I re-killed a dead guy? This is all starting to make some kind of horrible sense.
I'm gonna check the county records to see if any sheriffs were killed by being pushed off a roof.
I'm gonna call the state capital, see if I can shake loose some of that helicopter money.
[Ring.]
[Ring.]
Helicopter department, please.
[Rattling.]
[Thud.]
Come on.
Oh.
Married.
Seemed happy.
God, socks were cheap back then.
[Sinister chord strikes.]
Clearly, it's the same ring, but, that still doesn't explain why I'm seeing through the eyes of a killer.
You see that woman? She looks just like my new girlfriend.
You could even say she's a dead ringer.
- Mm.
- You know, ring? - Yeah, no, I got it.
- [Laughs.]
- Where does she live? - I don't know.
But you're already calling her your girlfriend? See, this is the thing with you.
You always rush into stuff.
No.
Maybe I just go slow faster than you do.
So the only other lead we have is the old woman at the antique store.
I'll drive.
It's one street over.
Oh, dear God.
Activate action pants! [Rattling.]
Lights and siren.
I'm gonna meet you there.
[Siren wailing, tires screeching.]
Yeah, hey, Stan, it's me.
Listen, I think we got a lead on those killings.
I'm not sure where it's gonna go, but, I think it starts at the antique store, so, uh, meet us there.
[Squeaks.]
- [Tranquil tune plays.]
- [falsetto.]
"Oh, you should just meet us there.
" Uh, yes, sir, miss.
- Jawohl, mein Commandant.
- [Crow caws.]
You know what's the funniest thing? Whenever I put that ring on, I've been seeing murders.
Really? [Chuckle.]
It's just a ring.
Mm.
It's the ring of a dead constable's wife.
And that woman standing behind her? I totally tongue-darted her yesterday.
Yeah, and, if you want to do it again, you'll shave that mustache.
Say what? Ohh.
Yes, Sheriff [chuckle.]
- [Suspenseful music plays.]
- we are one and the same.
Years and years ago, I was Constable Pruitt's mistress.
He promised to leave his wife for me and, then, he didn't.
[Chuckle.]
I couldn't steal him, but, I could steal this.
I wanted him dead, but I I couldn't bring myself to do it, of course.
And then, Constable Eccles appeared to me.
He said that, if I killed Pruitt, I would stay young and beautiful until I found myself a new sheriff to wed.
And that that grew tiresome.
Heh.
Very tiresome.
And, eventually, [breathy chuckle.]
I stopped looking.
It's been almost 200 years.
[crying.]
And then, you came in here, wanting a wedding ring, just to look married, just to keep men away.
[Sputtering laugh.]
I wanted you to see what it's like for a woman who wanted marriage, and it was denied her.
- Couple of things - Yeah, I have a big question.
- What? - What do you think of my mustache? That's your question? - Yeah.
- I wanted to tell you Oh.
Oh.
[Tranquil tune continues.]
[Crows cawing.]
Listen to me.
Either pipe down or I'm gonna throw a cat back there.
How do you like that? Huh? - [Wings fluttering.]
- Oh, for the love of Stop.
[Suspenseful music plays.]
Oh, my God, the roof.
Evie! Leon?! Where are you?! Down! Here! [Suspenseful music climbs.]
- Unhh! Damn it! - [Crows cawing.]
Ah! Jesus, don't peck the driver.
It's time to end this nightmare.
Killing yourself is not the answer.
I'm not gonna kill myself.
I meant it's time to kill you.
- That tracks.
- Mm.
- ["Here Comes the Bride".]
- La la la-la - [Music-box lullaby plays.]
- La la la-la - Uhh - [echoing.]
La-la - La-la - Where did she go? - Right here, dear.
- Ahh! I got her, Evie.
Even if I have to shoot through you to get her.
Okay, I don't think we're there yet.
[Suspenseful music plays.]
In fact, Leon can marry you! - What?! - Shut up! You're doing it! Heh.
You always wanted to marry a a constable.
That's what you said.
But he's only a deputy.
At your age, you can't settle? I mean, I-I could even do the ceremony.
Right here.
Right now! But you just said I always rush into things! [tersely.]
Read the room.
- [Crows cawing.]
- Stan: Are you kidding' me? Ewww! Ohh! That better not be your Oh.
It's your foot.
Okay, uh Okay, do you? Priscilla Atherton.
Pretty name.
Do you, Priscilla Atherton, take this man, Leon Drinkwater, to be your lawfully wedded husband? - I do.
- Great.
Do you, Leo - Yeah.
- Okay.
Uh I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
[Eerie music plays.]
- [Rumble.]
- Ooh! How do you think I feel? Ohhh.
What is happening? Oh, that? Well.
- Agh! - Constable Eccles only guaranteed you eternal youth and beauty until you found yourself a new husband - and, now, you have one.
- N-No.
I guess you'll have to go back to being a normal, everyday, - 200-year-old woman.
- Noooooooooooooo! [Eerie music climbs.]
- Aggggghhhhh! - Aah! Aaaah! [hoarsely.]
I'll kill you.
- Ah! Oh! - What the hell's goin' on here? - [Bones snap dryly.]
- Aah! Ew! - Ohhh! - No.
No-o-o.
- Ugh.
- [Thud.]
Ah, well, everything's fine 'cause we found the murderer, but it's okay 'cause Leon married her.
Yeah, well, I just drove out here in a car full of crows.
Didn't phase me.
You know why? It's Nothing Bothers Stan Tuesday.
- [Bones snapping dryly.]
- Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh! I'm a widow? Oh, buck up there, Leon.
There are plenty of other fish in the sea.
Maybe none quite so old as her, but I don't judge.
That's not true.
I do judge.
But not today.
Everybody gets a pass.
Seriously, Leon, you okay? Yes, th-that was your idea, you know? - I know! - You think I was excited about tonight? Can you imagine what she looked like naked? Oh, I can.
I bet she looked like a pile of peppers.
Wow.
Okay.
I'm leaving.
I have another one.
I bet she looked like her own weight in raisins.
- Goodbye! - A dolphin's blow hole, surrounded by chicken fat? Good night.
Tough crowd.
- [Sizzling.]
- [breathlessly.]
La La-la La la La la la-la La