Star vs. the Forces of Evil (2015) s02e05 Episode Script

1 [title music.]
It's gonna get a little weird Gonna get a little wild I ain't from 'round here I'm from another dimension Gonna get a little weird Gonna have a good time I ain't from 'round here I'm from another, woo-hoo Yeh-heah I'm talking rainbows I'm talking puppies Pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa Paah It's gonna get a little weird Gonna get a little wild I ain't from 'round here I'm from another dimension Star, let's go.
We've been here for hours.
No.
We are not leaving until the old donuts get thrown out.
[whistling.]
- Evening, Marco.
- Evening, Pete.
Ah! Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
- Star.
Some lady just got your donuts.
- What? [shuddering.]
Mina.
You're Mina Loveberry.
You caught me.
Are you a cop? - That's Mina Loveberry.
- I have no idea who that is.
Marco, she's the greatest warrior - to ever live.
- Uh, her? I lost my bag.
Has anyone seen my bag? - That's a lady who's lost her marbles.
- No, she's Mina Loveberry.
- Hello.
- Mewni's greatest protector.
At least, I think that's her.
- Well, why don't you see for yourself? - No, no, no.
Marco, no! - Hello, Mina.
- Hello.
What are you doing on Earth? I'm on vacation.
Doctor's orders.
[stammers.]
What are you gonna do on your vacation? I will let the soul be my guide and wander off to the depths - of this unseen planet.
- Wow! That's what you say when you've lost your marbles.
Okay.
Marco, just There is actually a really great park across the street.
Fantastic! The perfect place to view humanity at its most docile.
I will leave in two seconds.
Boy, what a weirdo.
Star? - Oh, no.
- Wait.
Wait, Mina.
Wait! Teach me your way, O great warrior.
- Hmm.
Yeah.
Okay.
- Really? O great Mina, you will not be disappointed.
But ain't nothin' for free.
You're gonna have to do something for me.
- Anything.
- Get this bag off my head.
[grunts.]
Ooh, ow.
A, E, I, O, U! Welcome to the Echo Creek Mud Pits.
Here, we will answer all of your questions about mud.
Finally.
Today, I go where Mina goes.
Look at us; we're already basically best friends.
Inseparable.
Boy, are you guys in for a real educational treat today.
Lesson number first.
In becoming a great warrior, one must cleanse their mind from sinking thought.
- So just don't think? - Don't think.
Oh, it feels so good.
Oh! We are mud sisters.
[giggles.]
Wait a second.
Where's my camera, where's my telescope, where's my sketch pad? What the heck is that? Observe the wooly mammoth, who may or may not have walked through these mud pits 19 million years ago.
We're not really sure.
Ride, my great beast! Ride to the cloud city of Cloudlandia! Get down, ya weirdo.
Come on, big boy.
Let's get to movin'.
Uh, ma'am, y-y-you leave that mammoth alone.
I command ye to move! That's it.
I'm comin' in to get you, ma'am.
Sorry, you can't be doin' that Aah! Whoa, goin' down.
Ah.
What a cruel twist of fate.
Star, she's clearly lost it.
I am the conqueror of the beast.
No autographs.
Lesson number one, Marco.
Just stop thinkin'.
Now, class, meaning you, our next lesson is of utmost importance to the survival of a warrior.
We're gonna learn how to make some weapons.
The higher I go, the closer I get to reaching the stars.
Be resourceful with finding material.
[girl screams, thud.]
See? Now I have a sturdy chain to chain stuff with.
Easy breezy taco peasy.
Go make your own warrior weapon.
All right, Star, you got this.
It's just like arts and crafts, but with weapons.
- Which ones are yours? - [sighs.]
Those two.
[screaming.]
Oh, bless your soul.
Come on, Star, anything can be a weapon.
Oh, my goodness! Look at this string.
How lucky could I be? And what is this? A pine cone? Everything's comin' up Star.
Let go of my bat, you naughty lady.
Mina, did you finish building your weapon yet? I have created the most deadly of maces.
Awesome! You know, I'm actually pretty proud of mine, too.
Uh, kazza kazza wha? It is a pine cone tied to a string, and then, I put some flowers on it and drew a face.
- I call him Davey.
- Fantastic! Ho! Ho! You know.
When they turn 18, they're the government's problem.
Hot dogs here.
Get your hot dogs.
Hot dogs.
Lesson number tres.
You gotta gather intel.
Sh, someone may be listening.
Learn from your new surroundings.
Learn from new surroundings.
Oh, sorry.
I didn't know it was a wig.
- Who is your ruler on this planet? - Not from around here, are we? - She's a foreigner.
- Oh, how exotic.
This is the United States of America.
We don't have any rulers here.
We're free.
But who makes the rules? We make our own rules [chomps.]
through the radical process of voting.
Just trying to wrap my head around this.
You mean you vote if you can do something or not? That's right, little lady.
[screeching.]
- So I can do this? - Sure.
- And this, too? - You betcha.
- Is this legal? - Actually, that's arson.
Freedom! ALL: Freedom! MINA: No chains or limitations.
I'm freedom! We have learned there are no rules on this planet.
It's an anything goes fight to the death.
Star, wait.
You've gotta stop this.
Stop what? What am I doing? You guys ruined the entire park today.
Marco, Mina was my idol growing up.
Imagine if you randomly met your idol one day, - and didn't follow them around.
- But your idol is bananas.
Look, thanks for trying to look out for me.
But I'm gonna go train with my hero.
Fine.
I'm just gonna enjoy the park by myself.
[siren.]
Sir, we're gonna have to ask you a couple questions.
All right, step one.
Just stop thinking.
[panting.]
Step two, make a weapon.
Step tres, gather intel.
[panting.]
- Mina, I made it! - Come, little mud face.
You must partake in the warrior's ritual.
Step inside the circle of animals.
[meows, chirps.]
- Now, repeat these words: - Repeat these words.
- Not these words, the ones coming.
- Right.
Sorry.
- O great battle lords! - O great battle lords.
- Please protect us! - Please protect us.
Carry our foes off to the depths of space and time so they may forever live in the ruins of our victory! [muttering gibberish.]
victory.
Lead us to the battle, and you shall bathe in our conquests.
Ha! [making weird noises.]
So, mud sister, what are we battling? Some demons? Gargoyles? - Them people.
- Joggers? No, ding-dong.
All the people of this forsaken planet! [laughs.]
No.
You don't mean that.
That's wacky talk.
What these little ants lack is a ruler.
And guess who's gonna give 'em one? Bink.
- Now, kneel before your new ruler! - Okay.
[chuckles.]
We're gonna have so much fun rulin' these folks.
[whispers.]
I've made a huge mistake.
So a gonzo donut collector came out of a dumpster.
- Uh-huh.
- To teach your friend, another gonzo donut collector in a dumpster.
- Yep.
- And together, they destroyed a family park? [chuckles.]
Yeah.
If I was trying to cover my butt, I'd say the exact same thing.
MINA: Kneel before me, minions! I am the greatest warrior that this world has ever known! [siren wailing.]
Let's ride.
Mina, I can't take over the Earth.
Aw, of course you can.
You're a warrior now.
Now let's start by rounding up the rest of these folks, and pushin' 'em off this here ledge.
[nervous giggle.]
Mina, I care about Earth.
I don't wanna conquer it.
I thought you cared about being [distorted.]
a warrior! I guess I thought being a warrior was something different.
Uh, excuse me, miss.
- Don't we get a vote in this? - ALL: Yeah! [distorted.]
What are you, a bunch of comedians? We ain't votin' on this.
I'm your ruler now.
Mm, all those in favor of the crazy lady being our new ruler, raise your hands.
One, two six.
okay.
All those opposed.
One, two five, six.
Looks like we have ourselves a draw.
Hey, did anybody not vote? Me.
I didn't vote.
Come on.
You got mud on your face.
We're a team! We can rule this land together.
Mud sister? No.
You're bananas, Mina.
Like the bad kind.
Hey, freedom wins again.
[cheering.]
I thought you were a warrior.
You're just a little girl living on a stupid freedom planet.
- You don't even deserve this.
- Davey! Ha! I wouldn't dare rule over this looney bin.
[siren blaring.]
Attention, citizens.
- We are looking for - She's in there.
- Uh, there's nothing inside.
- Magic does exist.
I repeat, magic does exist.
[music.]
You were right, Marco.
Mina was a lady with no marbles.
You wanna go check behind the French bakery - for some day-old baguettes? - Of course I do.
Boop.
Mud sister.
[music.]
Camping! [screams.]
What's up, nature?! You're gonna get tamed! [buzzing.]
[gasps.]
Nature's touching me.
Hey, little guy.
[gasps.]
Cataclysmic total extinction death blast! Star, we're not on Mewni.
[buzzing.]
Nature's nice here.
You'll see.
We'll do some fishing, a little hiking, and then this! [gasps.]
A treasure map? What? No.
It's Old Youthful.
One of the oldest geysers on Earth.
- And guess when it's erupting.
- Today? Mmmm-hmmmm.
Well, we got a big day ahead.
Let's get started.
- Aren't your parents coming? - Nah.
You know how most parents show slide shows of their vacation? Mine show paintings.
And done.
Next.
- So it's just the two of us then? - Yeah.
Is that okay? [explosion.]
Camping!! Dad! Dad, oh, it's always great to see you.
But what are you doing here? [straining.]
What, I can't go camping with my own daughter? - I taught you how to camp.
- Yeah, and now Marco's showing me how to go camping here on Earth.
Really? Is he showing you how to stalk a Narinthian tar beast for eleven days with no food, no sleep, and no clothes?! No, Dad, nature's really nice here.
Look at what it gave me.
Love bites.
Here, Marco.
Show Dad how to Earth fish.
Yeah, sure.
Whoa.
So, how do I Amazing.
Now what? - You're already doing it.
- Yay, Dad! Now we just sit and wait.
You wait for the fish to come to you? Just relax and take it all in.
[breathing deeply.]
Ah! Smell that? Okay.
Where'd he go? Fishing!! Take that and that.
Is that what fishing on Mewni looks like? MARCO: It says Old Youthful actually got its name from early settlers who believed that it had rejuvenating powers.
- That sounds really - Boring! Why are we walking so slow? Well, I was trying to take it easy, 'cause, you know, what you did to your foot.
But I don't even feel it.
Come on, let me magic you up some boots.
I don't need any of that.
I don't even need feet.
Can you do this, huh? Can you do this? I don't think you can.
- Want a piggyback ride, honey? - Aw, Dad.
No.
Since when are you too cool for piggyback rides? Well, I'm not too cool for a piggyback That would be weird, Marco.
Race you to the water thing.
[laughing, splash.]
- Is that the right way? - No.
- Is your dad okay? - I think so.
He just really loves family camping trips.
Okay, where'd you go, big guy? [gasps.]
Got him.
What's he doing way up there? Hey, Dad.
Everything all right? Ssh.
Staring contest.
Whoa! That's a bald eagle.
We are breakin' a whole bunch of laws here.
He started it.
Marco's right, Dad.
Let's go see Old Youthful.
Don't worry, darling.
Once I break his spirit with my eyes, he'll fly us there.
[speaking gibberish.]
Llama pajama llama pa ja ma.
This guy's unbelievable.
You can't let him beat you in front of your own daughter.
She looks up to you.
Does she though? What is that supposed to mean? Did you notice, she's pretty much over your piggyback rides.
She used to love those.
And she went camping without you.
That Marco kid's probably her boyfriend.
What? No way.
My little girl isn't dating yet.
Whatever.
Keep lying to yourself, old man.
Old? Who are you calling old? [siren blaring.]
Something is definitely goin' on with my dad.
Okay, everything's cool.
Turns out that feathered thing was some kind of a sacred animal.
Heads up would've been nice.
You folks better get a move on if you wanna see that old geyser.
Who are you calling an old geezer?! Oh.
"Geyser.
" Yes, Dad, the thing Marco's been trying to see all day.
We can still make it in time.
This trail should take us straight to it.
Let me see that map.
- Is he eating the map? - I was hungry.
Everything is food when you're struggling to survive.
- Except we're not on - Mewni.
Right.
Sorry.
I'm staying positive about this.
One of those trails is the right one.
Maybe we'll get lucky.
Eeny, meeny, miney Nooooo! You know what? I think this may be my fault.
You kids wait right here while I score us a ride.
Oh, man, if he could get us a ride, that would be [screaming, cheering, sirens blaring.]
[groaning.]
You'll never make it to Old Youthful now.
He goes off in five minutes, and it's a ten-mile hike.
I'm sorry, Marco.
Oh, come on, what's the big deal? - Dad, what is up with you? - Is this about the bear? No, Dad.
You've been acting really weird all day, and now, Marco's plans are basically ruined.
He really wanted to see Old Youthful.
No, Star, I've seen it, like, ten times.
I wanted you to see it.
You've shown me all kind of amazing stuff I never knew existed.
I just wanted to pay you back.
Show you something amazing here on Earth.
- Marco! - Marco.
I guess we can come back to see Old Youthful erupt - some other time.
- Oh, you poor, poor boy.
- Didn't nobody tell you? - What? This here eruption is gonna be the last.
- What?! - Those big-city scientists gave that geyser a look-see, and he's all dried up.
He's been fadin' away for years.
Oh, he used to be impressive.
King of the geysers.
But now, he's just a sad shadow of his former glory.
Aged out and obsolete.
Ready to retire and getting in everybody's way.
Yes, sir, to use clever wordplay, Old Youthful is plumb out of youth.
- We should just go.
- Yes, Marco.
We will go and see that geyser! Didn't you hear what that guy said? It's impossible.
- Is it? - Tick-tock.
- [slowly.]
Tick tock.
- What do you say, Star? One last piggyback ride from your old man? [pipes playing.]
We're almost there! Just a glacier and two more war re-enactments.
- You hear that, Dad? - Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
[indistinct chatter.]
[panting.]
No! - Dad! - I'm so sorry, pumpkin.
- I let you down.
- Are you out of your mind? You ran ten miles in five minutes.
That's, like, 150 miles an hour.
I used to be able to do it in four minutes.
I'm not the dad I used to be, Star.
You need someone younger to take care of you now.
Someone like your boyfriend Marco here.
I'm not her boyfriend.
You fell up a waterfall, dude.
Who does that?! I'm older, too, Dad, but I still need you.
No matter how old I get, you'll always be my hero, because you'll always be my dad.
Come here, you.
Well, it's gettin' chilly out, so what do you say we go find you some pants? [loud rumbling.]
[screams.]
Wow!! You gotta stop lying to the tourists about that geyser, man.
Yeah, I know, but it sure is fun.
Marco.
It's beautiful.
[loud crash.]
[gasps.]
- Look, Star.
- Dad.
You're so young.
Yeah.
Fresh-out- the-womb young.
- Brand-new dad! - And here's the king with his arms up.
And here's the king putting his arms down.
And here he is walking out of the crater.
And climbing out of the crater.
This is so much better than a slide show.
I think Earth is a pretty great place That's saying something 'Cause I've been through outer space I think it suits me, it's just my style I think I'm gonna stay a little while I think that strangers are just friends You haven't met I'm blasting monsters and I never break a sweat I'm really thinking I could call this place home