Stath Lets Flats (2018) s02e05 Episode Script

Why's she here? Your brother
treat me like I'm a bra full of shit.
I'm called Cem. My name is called
Sophie. You look like one sick guy.
Yes, I'm really sick, and so are you.
Argh! Oh! Ooh!
Oh, my God, he landed on his eyes.
My dad kicked me out of my
flat and he lives in Cornwall.
Birmingham. One night.
And I only said yes cos you cried.
SNORING
PHONE RINGS
Hello. Are you a tenant tonight?
It's Sarah, 73 Walbury.
The tenants downstairs
are having another party.
You manage the property and do your job,
or I'm calling the police.
It's late at night.
DANCE MUSIC BLASTS
Michael & Eagle Lettings.
You've accidentally got it a bit loud.
Can we get it gently down?
Can we get the music gently down, please?
You do need to get the music gently down.
That is a quick dance.
Don't touch me!
Don't put your whole body on my back!
Hello.
Oh, that's lovely.
Sorry, do you know who lives here?
Please.
Can you turn the music down?
Please.
I'm from the agency, is that OK?
I don't want to.
OK.
Can you fix our boiler, please?
I don't want to.
FIRECRACKER EXPLODES SOPHIE LAUGHS
Ooh! Oh, wow.
OK, I better get to work.
I'm supposed to be SHE LAUGHS
Oh!
I'm supposed to be putting papers in the bin.
Well, thanks for having me
and thanks for all them dinner sandwiches.
I've never had the
sandwich for dinner before.
I thought it was just a lunch thing.
You just have them in the
evening and that's it.
OK. OK.
Rememorised.
SHE LAUGHS
So I'll see you tonight.
Oh, and remember, tell your brother
about eating the pizza. Ask him.
Yeah.
I know the flat comes with towels, and
Don't know what I'm doing,
it's not even unlocked. Everything is new.
Hello.
Are you taking the flat?
Sorry, no. Vasos, no, no.
Dollar's in the zone, OK?
Don't break his flow.
Why don't you pop home?
I've got today covered.
No, I like to stay.
Well, I'll tell you what,
there's some beautiful
oranges in the kitchen.
Imagine that, having an orange.
Hi, Al.
Oh, better than ever, thanks.
I made you some Ferrero Rochers
to say get well soon to your eyes.
You made me some Ferrero Rochers?
Oh, my God, thank you so much.
I ran out of nuts, so some of it is rice.
God. Oh, the smell is just unbelievable.
So, how is your eyes?
Do they still feel smacked?
Oh, no, no, no, it's not painful.
It's just a bit tricky,
when I try to see things.
Oh, no. Yeah, but I went on the net,
got a little bit of advice.
It just says I need to look at black
for a couple of minutes every half hour,
soyeah.
I'm just putting the time in.
Ferrero Rocher, yeah?
Who's making them snacks?
I did it. Nope.
This floor is made of slips.
I swear the pong I passed on the way here,
your bloody crime-time boyfriend
chucking bangers at a phone shop.
Don't!
I'm already scared you don't like him,
sweating and shitting myself every day.
I don't like him making
you do swearing every time.
Whatever. What time's chips?
Al, me and Sophie are having chips tonight.
Come on, football. Congrats.
That sounds great.
Yeah, but, also, how about this?
Instead of chips,
we can have pizza with me and Cem.
Come on, yeah, football, pizza.
No, no, no, just the chips, me and you.
Thank you, Sophie.
Yeah, but actually, pizza is so nice
and you can have cheese and tomato flavour.
And I did already tell
Cem that he could come.
Is this your boyfriend, Sophia? Yeah.
Stathi, let him come to your chips.
I think it's pizza now, Vasos.
Well What, just me, you and him?
Please, just come and just
check if you like him for me.
Please, just this one.
I'll go, but I'm not going to go on my own.
I'm going to be a spare boy at my own chips.
You could take Katia.
She's kissing me about you every day.
I'd rather take red metal, OK?
WHISPERING: Stath.
Well, I can't go with her,
she's got a bloody boyfriend, that's rude.
Correction. Don't have a boyfriend.
We broke up last night.
Well, then, do you want to go
for a pizza tonight, Carole?
No. Sodding no. Why?
Cos you're hectic and I don't
like spending time with you.
Oh. Sophie, please don't tell me
you're taking Dr Crumples on a date.
Look at the state of him. No, that's not
No, cos it was our thing first.
Oh, what girl you taking then, Stath? Al?
Sophie, where did - just out of interest -
where did Katia go?
She's posting letters.
I don't mind. All right.
Bye. And that's a full
day's work from Stath.
Oh, shots fired! Wish I was fired.
Go on, then, Soph, babe,
what you going to wear tonight?
I was thinking just ablue hat.
No, Soph, it's dirty,
cos you wear it every day, don't you?
It will have a band of gunk
round the inside rim, won't it?
Sophia, you want £5 for clothes?
Oh, really?
Clothes, Soph?
Here you are, we're flush at the mo.
Go on, buy yourself some jeggings
or whatever's shit and nice.
Oh, God! You've earned it.
Oh, my God, he's making it rain. Thank you!
You don't have to do
Vasos, I'm showing you, mate.
You let me run things
and I'll turn this place
into a cash allotment, OK?
Actually, do you know what?
Business is so good, everyone, afternoon off.
Oh! Some news I can get on side with.
Not you.
Let's just get shitheads out, all right?
Yeah, and I'll stay as well, obviously.
You can do whatever you want, Carole.
Have you had pizza before?
It's so nice, different slices,
different flavours.
Why would I not try pizza when
it's my favourite food? I adore.
No. I'm asking.
Do you want to have a pizza with me,
Sophia, and that idiot boy tonight?
No.
Oh, what? Is that you saying no?
Of course!
You treat me with shouting every day.
Why you not try treating
me with tender care?
Maybe you say, "Hey, Katia,
I hear you have a new tattoo of a crow.
"How's it looking?"
Sorry. You fancy me. Every day you fancy me.
And then the one time I want
to fancy you for the day,
and you don't even do it back!
That's rocking my confidence, girl.
Oh, yeah, I fancy you.
Sophie said you live in your car.
I can't wait to have a gear for pillow.
I don't sleep in my car. That's not..
Oh, really? I don't.
You keep all your clothes in your car.
Er, that's my cousin's clothes.
So, you don't know anything.
Look
Ugh! PHONE RINGS
Oh!
Yes!
What?
What do you mean they're still
having a party? It's lunchtime!
What, they're not even going
to stop for a spot of lunch?
DANCE MUSIC BLASTS
HE MOUTHS
SMOOTH JAZZ
DANCE MUSIC
Oh, my God.
Er
Yeah, so I was saying, it's not running hot.
Yes.
What?
Aren't you from the agency?
Can't you fix it?
Fix theshower?
What?
But we had such a crazy dance, no?
You took my jacket off.
I was going like that on
your head in the dance.
I don't know, I'm fucked!
I'm taking it off so you don't get it wet.
Well, do you want to come for pizza tonight?
No! Oh.
Yeah, I'll go for a pizza.
SOPHIE: I can't believe Julian
gave me all these 50 quids.
Welcome to Aladdin's cave.
Do you think I'd look good
with a new hat look? Yeah!
Oh, my God. Oh, wow.
Oh, my God. That's it.
Oh, my God.
Wow, yeah, a unicorn.
Oh, my God. That's great.
That is your one, though. Oh, yeah!
Oh, my God.
Stath would love things like these.
It's like what a model wears, innit?
Oh, what does that say? "Urban Christ."
That's a powerful thought.
This is just like my one, Al. Look.
Oh, yeah.
THEY LAUGH
It's quite a good fit, actually.
Hello, my name is Alistair.
Don't, that's perfect.
Hello, my name is, you know, Sophie,
and I've got a wonderful singing voice
and I'm hopefully talented
at dancing as well.
My name's Al.
Can I? I wish I could stop letting flats,
but I can't.
You're making me jealous of myself.
I haven't let a flat this month.
THEY LAUGH
That's next month, tomorrow.
It's nice here without dickheads, innit?
It's lovely here without dickheads.
It feels elite.
Sort of, like, Virgin or something.
It's usually a little
bit easyJet around here.
It feels the same.
I mean, Stath's never here anyway.
The guy just comes in for like five minutes,
then runs around London, shouting.
Yes, Dean, such dry jokes.
Proper dry, I love that. Well dry!
Smethwicks was just like this.
Like, high japes, high banter,
monster work ethic,
just pulling all-nighters in the office,
just get the gack in.
Up till three, just lifting 40s, ready.
You up for a bit of that?
Yeah. Ooh, yeah. I mean, I'll get a bit,
throbby on the old gack,
cos of the bump,
but I can sit here all night, yeah, for sure.
Yeah, Dean? Dean? Uh, I can't.
I've got
Shit. No, big man, you're staying,
you're going to love it.
He's psyching himself up, look.
Yes! He loves it. Coffees.
Yeah. Coffee, coffee, coffee.
Are you going to do it? OK.
All right.
OK? Yeah.
Hello. Hello.
Do you have anything that costs £1 million?
THEY LAUGH No.
Are you going back to Birmingham?
Is that long?
Yes. Yeah,
but I've got the Rocher to keep me going.
Oh, and so funny, yeah.
Have a delicious pizza and tell your boyf
..I say
"Hey, cool guy."
I will.
And, maybe I'll do the peace sign. Ooh!
Nice idea.
He's not properly my boyfriend.
We're just taking it by steps.
Oh, well, OK.
Bye.
You look wonderful, sweetheart.
Thanks.
I was worried it wouldn't fit
me cos I had so many Rochers.
Oh. Oh.
Sorry, I know it's not my flat any more,
I just wanted a warm situation.
Oh, are you looking forward to pizza later?
Also, I got you
I'm not going to come to that any more.
Huh? I'm full.
I already had too manywater.
Oh. Please?
No.
Stathi,
you need to grow up with your sister.
Go to the food.
She left you something in your old room. Go.
Stath, do you like them?
Do you want to come pizza now?
Hello, Stath. Yeah, yeah, I'm good.
I'm incredible, thanks.
Oh, to the pizza thing?
Yeah, yeah, I would Yeah, I'd love to.
Would Sophie be OK with that?
Oh, great.
Yeah.
No, you're the mayor of gentleman town.
OK, bye.
HE SIGHS
Real pizza style, huh?
You look so nice.
Well, you look nice.
You look like bloody Usher.
You look wonderful, man.
Oh, my God, do I? Yeah.
I hope he doesn't think I'm copying him.
What, Usher? Yeah.
Oh, my God, you can smell the pizza cooking.
They are, they're doing it just right.
I didn't know you asked Katia to come.
Ooh, oh.
I didn I didn't!
Well, I did, but she said no.
I invited my friend, Al, instead.
I hate her.
You invited Al?
Stath, that's mixed emotions.
Then we're both concerned, aren't we?
So it's fair.
Hello, old geezer.
Oh, Urban Christ.
Goddamn.
Hey, Sophie.
It's great to see the hat.
Oh, and the T-shirt.
Lovely.
You going to go for it?
My guy! All right,
I'll pick over the paperwork. You just sign.
All right, safe.
Bosh! Three in one hour!
Mwah!
I swear, bruv, they got me working late.
Ordered Chinese and not
even no sweet and sour.
So you'd like to have that flat then,
would you, sir?
Great, fantastic. Well, that's all yours.
And, yeah, OK, mate.
I'll get that paperwork over to you.
I'll call you back,
I'll call you back, bruv, yeah.
Thanks for letting me come,
because I know maybe everyone thinks
I'm a bit dangerous, or whatever,
and it's a family night.
But I've only got so much
respect for you and your family.
You got good words, innit?
I like the way that you
have respected me tonight.
Stath, by the way, I like your new kit,
you look like desert prince.
Is it respect to interrupt?
SOPHIE TUTS
Hey, I like your
You got a version, different version of hair,
small coming up.
Hey, guys, have you had a
chance to look at the food menu?
Yes, thank you, mate.
Oh, are you the waiter?
Er Yep. Oh, OK.
Thank you, my compliments for the chef.
From me, too.
Stath, you're the best one here,
so why don't you order for the whole table,
innit?
Yeah, good.
Good choice.
OK, yeah,
so we are all going to have the pizza.
Yeah. Whichpizza?
Mmm, I can't say that, for sure.
Oh,
can I please eat the cheese and tomato one?
Tom-Tom Cheesy.
And the same for me, please, thanks.
And, Sophie, you're welcome to a bit of mine,
if you want to share.
But you ordered the same one,
Tom-Tom Cheesy.
Can I have the burger then,
the pizza, please, Tom Cheesing?
Do you have a pizza that's
half-half different toppings?
Yes. I don't want that.
I want all the same, beef.
Do you have Cheddar cheese?
We use mozzarella.
I want goat's cheese,
beef pizza, all the same,
and maybe you could do one slice no toppings,
with garlic bread slice?
I'm not sure about that.
Just get me some chips.
She knows her food, innit?
Can we get pizza AND chips?
For me, it seems like this one
has sausages and cheeses on it.
Can I have that one?
Or is that one not very nice at all?
It's nice.
Wow! HE LAUGHS
I think I know which one I'm having.
It sounds delicious, from what he said.
So, that one.
Any drinks, apart from tap water?
No.
He was very lovely. Oh, yeah, I loved him.
Yeah, very professional.
The waiter? Ugh!
Too quiet. Shy.
Like, I will look at TV remote
and just press louder, louder, louder.
Louder.
SQUEAKY LAUGH
Louder.
That's a unusual image, innit?
Mad.
That's so funny.
Very, very funny. Well done. Thank you.
God, he's such a good bloke, isn't he?
Good? What's good?
The guy's making us stay here till8:30pm?
Why am I looking at you at 8:30pm?
They are clutter, though, aren't they?
Them lot.
Just feels like we're keeping
them here for no reason,
do you know what I mean?
Just like hoarding Greek people.
Yeah. You've just robbed my mouth.
Yeah, couldn't agree more.
Yeah, get rid of them.
Brexit the lazy eejits.
OK, I know what you mean,
they're properly shit.
But, like, chill, innit?
It's their family business.
No, no, no, oi, oi!
They could've asked to stay late tonight.
I mean, we're making grounds here.
What the fuck are they doing right now?
# My shoes, I paid for it
# My hair, I paid for it
# My lunch, I paid for it
# I paid for it all, £400. #
Well, well, well.
Sophie.
Yeah. Talented family, innit?
Well done. My God!
One singing,
one stylish clothes letting agent king.
Yeah. Cyprus success story, innit?
Well, thank you. A perfect point.
Shall we do a toast to Sophie and Stath?
And what's her name?
Katriona, cos she sang as well,
beautiful, like a drum.
I sang too, yeah.
And thank you for Cem for
turning chips into pizzas,
and for joining me and my
sister on to our lives.
Oh, that's lovely.
To Stath
And Sophie, and Katia, and Cem.
Nice. Oh, and Al.
Oh, God. Oh, that looks so nice!
Stathy, look.
Wow. It's ketchup and cheese.
Sausage. Sophie, look.
We've got a broken one in the middle.
That's good luck, isn't it?
Ooh, it's the chips.
Oh, careful. Hey!
Don't ever say careful to my friend.
Are you trying to have a fight with me,
or something?
No.
Sorry, I'll get more chips.
Yeah, but also, you have to give
us a bottle of the wine for free,
to say you're sorry.
A sweet one, please.
No, you don't need to do this.
Rose.
OK. I'll see what I can do.
Who's this?
Who is this? Sophie!
Sophie, we got the rose.
So exciting. Bloody hell.
Excuse me, what is a rose?
Oh, it's wine. You'll like it.
Trust me, sexy.
Oi. That's thanks to Sophie.
# For she's the fellow For she's the fellow.
# For she's the fellow
# For she's the fellow. #
Stath! Sorry, Al.
Oh, my God.
I want do what they're
They're doing the thing
where they cross over, like that.
Ow Oh, sorry.
Cheers to a wonderful evening,
and it's just amazing for everyone
to spend time together and, you know.
That's for you. I've got enough.
It's nice crust. Is that my pizza?
Can I kiss one of your chips?
Like, oh, I ate it, instead.
OK, one, two, three
Chip Pizza and chips!
Should we keep this going?
Get a pudding somewhere, or, erm?
Oh, my God, do you know,
at 73 Walbury, they're having a party
that just goes on. It's wild.
We should go to that. No.
Booze and juggling at me and Sophie's?
Yeah. Let's go.
Well, yeah, let's go.
All aboard champagne express.
Back seat life.
Is there room in the back?
No, I'm not sure there's any room.
Sorry, Al.
Oh, no, we got to make for Al
otherwise he's going to have to
walk back to Birmingham. Oh, no, that's OK.
I'll just get another one back to yours.
I'd love to buy us all,
like, a bottle of sake.
It's an amazing Japanese drink.
You're going to love it.
You sure there's no more room for me?
Please, let's go. I want to party.
Thank you, friend.
And get me a bottle of water, as well.
Shall we have sex together?
Yeah! Oh, my God. Is this your room?
Yes. This is so nice!
Did it myself. Really nice.
Really good decorating.
Quicker. Get it off.
Did that get you? Is this all your stuff?
Yes, they're my clothes.
Oh, my God, everything's so nice.
That's my clothes,
and my box of bras.
Oh, my God. What size are you?
Do you like it when someone
clicks in your face?
Yeah. I love it.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Let me dance for you. OK.
Yeah, you're a tease, innit?
You have to keep very straight, like pencil.
I feel like a snake on the ground.
Oh, my God, don't do it.
I'm being snake. Oh, my God.
A very, very dry snake.
I can't believe you're being a snake.
Yes.
It's good?
Oh, yeah, brilliant. Really brilliant.
Thank you for your time.
That's my CD.
That's sick.
And that's my picture of me and the priest.
He dropped me in a drawer.
It was so funny.
That's mad.
And that's a shoe.
And those are my things.
That's sick.
And that's the space I'm
going to put a dog poo.
Why?
Oh, my God.
I don't know, it's a joke.
Joking.
OK.
I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Night.
Oh, and there's water in the froggy.
Sophie?
Yeah? Why are you out?
Do you want fresh water?
No, I've got scared thinking I was
going to do bum box in her bed,
so can I sleep in here?
Yeah, of course.
Thanks.
I like him.
You know, he's got good politeness.
Yeah, he does.
I got nervous.
Yeah, that's why I came in here too.
I like her a lot.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Stathi, do you remember in Cyprus
when that priest dropped me in a drawer?
Yeah. Like you were bloody pair of socks.
Wait.
Did Al come back?
DANCE MUSIC BLARES
Sorry.