Swedish Dicks (2016) s02e05 Episode Script
Two Dicks Walk Into a Bar
[INGMAR.]
Well, I still don't get it.
[AXEL.]
It's not a big deal.
It's not a big deal to change your name? Well, I just thought, like, now we're becoming official detectives, I would want a cooler, more American-sounding name.
So you went with Floyd Calhoun.
You could have picked something more powerful, like Brock Stockton or Jack Smackbird - or Huge Jackman or Paul - Well well, okay, that last one is already the name of Hugh Jackman.
And a-anyway, it's too late.
- Okay? See? - Yeah, I don't wanna see it.
So, let's let it go, please.
Okay.
Well, I'm never gonna call you Floyd.
Understood.
Swedish Dicks 2x05 "Two Dicks Walk Into a Bar?" Jan 8, 2018 "Take what's mine, and you die.
So, this note, you think it's a fellow comedian that's threatening you.
Well, it all started when I got the headlining spot in the showcase next week.
Some major execs are coming, and people are really gunning for their big break.
So what exactly are you taking? Well, the spotlight, of course.
No, I used to be a DJ.
So I know how the entertainment business works.
Well, yeah, that's what I was thinking, too.
I did a video that got over a million hits and now people are coming to the Hilaritorium to see me.
So, I assume you work with celebrities.
Yeah, we work with celebrities.
I'm not a celebrity.
Nobody knows who Ally Green is.
I'm just internet famous.
Like, more famous than an extreme sports fail but less than a cat playing piano.
Okay, Ms.
Green, we'll look into your case.
Cool, thanks, but if you could just keep a real low profile.
I don't want people thinking I'm causing a problem.
Oh, don't worry about it.
We'll be very discreet.
[WHISPERS.]
Very discreet.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Hey, you - Hi.
- You busy? [CHUCKLES.]
Are you genetically modified to be the perfect boyfriend? Ah, actually, you know, I'm a robot, and we happen to find that slightly offensive.
[CHUCKLES.]
Aw.
You didn't have to do this.
Oh, I was just in the neighborhood.
I thought I'd stop by and say hi to my favorite lady.
- So, I was thinking - Lovely.
Have you heard of this new fancy restaurant called Oliver's? Mm, I have.
And from what I hear, it is very fancy indeed.
How would you like dining at said fancy restaurant on, say, Friday? I think I would like that very much.
Bleep-blop.
Bleep-bleep-bloop-bleep-bleep.
- Huh? I'm sorry.
- I was just calling back [ROBOTIC.]
to being the perfect robot boyfriend.
[NORMAL.]
I'm sorry.
I'll get out of your hair.
Have a good one.
I I admire them.
- Who? - Comedians.
I mean, to get up in front of that crowd, talk about stuff that matters to you and try to be funny? It takes guts.
Guts to go up on stage and complain about your day? And we're supposed to pay for it? No.
No, there's a lot more to it than just that.
Really, it's an art form.
Like sculpting marble.
Maybe not sculpting marble because that's really difficult, but it's more like it's like shaping shrubs.
But those fancy shrubs that look like things like dinosaurs and flamingos.
Real entertainment is going to a shooting range with a six-pack and a loaded gun.
[CHUCKLES.]
[ENGINE STARTS.]
I I don't get it! How do airplanes fly? - They're so heavy.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Cars aren't heavy.
Why don't they fly? [AXEL CHUCKLES.]
Huh? I suspect strings are involved.
I do.
I do.
- [LAUGHING.]
- This guy gets it.
Yeah! Get them with you.
Get them with Whatever you're on, pass it around, on the house.
- [YAWNS.]
- One time I thought I was dead, yeah.
I looked in a in a mirror.
I was like, "Holy crap.
I can't see my reflection.
" [LAUGHS.]
Turns out, it was just a window.
He sold it better last week.
- That joke always sucked.
- Thanks guys, thanks.
Totally.
This crowd's just easy.
- All right.
Thank you.
- [SCATTERED APPLAUSE.]
- Hey! Nice work, Ron.
- You think? Yeah! The the mirror bit finally landed, right, babe? [CHUCKLES.]
Oh, man, you're so funny.
That bit about the airplanes? I always thought that.
How do they fly? I mean, they're so heavy.
- Yeah.
- Cars can't fly.
- They're lighter, so.
- Thanks, man.
Thank you.
- So you guys all regulars? - Uh, we are, But Ally won't be for much longer.
Oh, stop it.
No, I'm not going anywhere.
Uh, no, he's not wrong.
You're our resident celebrity.
I've been here ten years, but you make one YouTube clip, and it goes viral, and you're suddenly a star.
I'm not a star.
Put 'em together for the star of our show, Ally Green! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
I'm gonna get a drink.
[ALLY.]
Hey, everybody.
Thank you so much.
- Let's hear it for Ron! - Hi.
Yeah, no, and I do appreciate your applause, but I don't think you would be applauding if you knew that I just crop-dusted all of you just now.
But by now you probably know that, actually, so.
She's not that funny.
Who the hell are you? Me? Eh, nobody.
- Comedian.
- What? - Yeah.
We both are.
- [GASPS.]
Actually very famous back in Sweden.
Surprised you haven't heard of us.
I'm I'm Floyd.
This is Ingmar.
Oh, that's wonderful, but if you guys think you're getting time on that stage, you're crazy.
What he's trying to say is, "Welcome.
" There's an open mic tomorrow.
You guys should go up there.
Probably get more laughs than him, so.
- [SCOFFS.]
- Excuse us for a moment.
Do they have Instagram filters in Heaven? Because I don't think they do.
Like, I think it's just "hashtag dead.
" [LAUGHTER.]
What's the matter with you? Are you crazy? What? You just told them we were comedians! Well, I had to say something.
You were dying in there.
I'm not gonna go up there and tell a bunch of jokes like some stupid clown! Well, calm down.
- I'll do it.
- Yeah? And that's gonna help us to figure out who did it? Huh? Who did what? I he was just trying out a new routine.
- Like - Yeah.
Who who Who stole the cookies from the cookie jar? I mean, seriously, who did it? Just tell us so we can stop guessing.
I don't know what your angle is, "famous comedians from Sweden" but I'll be really interested to see you perform tomorrow, see if you Swedes are as funny as you look.
[ENGINE STARTS.]
Spoiler alert! We're even funnier than we look! Do you think that's our guy? Absa-fruitly.
[SUN, SINGSONG.]
Bonsai! You need love, too, like people, oh, yes.
- I don't - [TELEPHONE RINGS.]
Now, is that any way to talk to an old friend, Sunny Bunny? If friends is all we were? What do you want? It turns out I may have made a little oopsie with regard to your pal Floyd's paperwork.
- What do you mean? - Well, it turns out, he may have to go back to Switzerland sooner than any one of us expected.
What are you talking about? I trust you! Ow, cool down that sexy fire, lovey.
You and I are gonna have a little sit-down and hash this out.
- What's your game, Lou? - No game.
Just come alone.
Yes, so, uh, yeah, I'm gonna do standup comedy.
Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
But, um you're not funny.
What do you mean? I'm I'm funny.
He only needs to be funny enough to keep up our cover.
The showcase is tomorrow, and I'm sure this Mark will try something tonight.
Hey, have you ever been at the grocery store? Oh, God, what are you talking about? This is what I'm gonna do onstage.
So, you're at the grocery store, you know, and, uh, when you're ready to check out, [CHUCKLES.]
you know, when you pick a line, it suddenly becomes the slowest line there.
It's, like what is that? - [CHUCKLES.]
What is that? - What's up, people? [LAUGHS.]
It's so funny, Floyd.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Respectfully disagree.
And why do you keep calling him Floyd? Oh, uh, didn't I tell you? I changed my name.
To Floyd Calhoun.
He wanted, like, a cool American name.
And you went with Floyd Calhoun? Oh, it's what he wants.
We should just respect it.
So you actually want us to call you Floyd Calhoun? [AXEL.]
Yes.
- Floyd Calhoun.
- Yes.
- For real? - Yes.
[LAUGHS.]
You are funny, dude.
Cheers.
This whole thing with Floyd, it's really just a little oopsie.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm sure the What are you doing? That is $13 Prosecco! You don't make "oopsies," Lou.
Fine! You see right through me.
I just don't get what you see in that man.
What man? - Floyd? - Yes, Floyd! I mean, I know he's beautiful, like some small mountain, Tender, like an heirloom tomato in early August, and sweet, like a breeze through schnozberry bushes.
But you've always been my girl! [GRUNTS.]
Marry me.
Have my children.
- God, you're sexy! - I can do this all day.
Me too.
[GRUNTING.]
[MARK.]
All right, party people.
We have somebody very special coming up next, Floyd from Sweden.
- I'll keep my eyes on Mark.
- [SCATTERED APPLAUSE.]
Whoo! So I am a comedian.
- From Sweden.
- Sweden sucks! - [LAUGHTER.]
- Oh.
Unnecessary.
Oh! Lost my trail of, uh, thought there.
But, uh, com jokes! Comedy.
For, uh grocery stores are funny.
You know why? Becau because of the lines.
There's always always one line No, wait, no wait.
There's a coup no, wait.
Oh, sorry.
Messed it up.
- Uh - This is not good.
[LAUGHS.]
Ooh, brain, uh hello, brain.
Where are you? Uh, calling my brain.
Eh, y-you know you know when you see movies in the future, they always have flying cars.
Why is that? Don't they like wheels in the future? [LAUGHS.]
Yeah, you gotta have wheels.
I think wheels are are good.
I-I think it's funny.
Anyone else think it's funny? Undecided.
How we and why is there an "at" symbol? It's for email, dummy! - [LAUGHTER.]
- I know it's for email.
Okay, let me explain why this is funny.
[MUFFLED LAUGHTER.]
[AXEL, FAINTLY.]
Uh, it's just two letters.
We don't need to abbreviate them, so that's why.
I-I think it's funny.
Anyone? You, too, huh? Me too what? Couldn't stand to watch that anymore? Man, that guy was really not funny.
[ENGINE STARTS.]
Hard to watch.
Kinda made me sad.
- Look out! - Ah! [GRUNTS.]
[TIRES SCREECH.]
[GROANING.]
Mark! Are you okay?! No, my leg! Aah! He finally did it! What do you mean?! What do you mean?! [GROANS.]
My leg! When did you find this? Last week.
Obviously, I didn't take it seriously.
Maybe you should have.
I should've known you guys weren't comedians.
I mean, that was the worst standup routine I have ever seen in my entire life.
Seriously.
Ever.
You know, that's hurtful.
And now I regret buying you this balloon.
Quit your crying.
You saved my life, okay? - Yeah, we did.
- Yeah, I still can't believe someone would try to kill me over some stolen jokes.
- So you steal jokes.
- No, of course not.
But when you work at a comedy club, you're always refining your material, and you hear lots of other people's work and, you know, sometimes something slips in.
I mean, everybody does it.
Even Ally.
Ally? Get well soon.
[GRUNTS.]
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
Yeah? What do you want? I need to apologize.
Oh, fuck you! Again?! I'm sorry, I was just so wild with jealousy.
You're supposed to be my number one, Sunny Bunny, and here comes this beautiful Swedish man-boy and I miss us.
We make a dynamite team.
We did, Lou.
But you a crazy son of a bitchy, and I just a total normal gal trying to live my life.
Okay, then.
I'll just go.
You treat her right, Floyd! You treat her right! - [ELEVATOR DINGS.]
- Anyway look, guys, this is crazy.
I'm not stealing people's jokes.
Not even by accident? Try to think.
- You might be next.
- Well, I don't know.
I mean, I guess there's a way that some people's stuff can seep into your subconscious.
Like Ron's bit about how Spiderman's only real power is that jizz comes out of his hands? Or Mark's thing about the snowflakes and how sometimes they do look alike and people need to get over it? But I made that stuff my own.
That's fine by us, but it does mean that any comedian there might feel robbed.
- So we have to draw them out.
- What do you mean? So that means there's an open slot tonight.
So I'll get on stage, and I'll steal jokes from everybody, and that clown, he'll be so mad, he'll come after me.
That would be a great idea if you weren't - such a shitty comedian.
- Hey You bombed so hard last night, there's no way they're gonna let you on that showcase.
What? - Nope.
- It's for the case, Ingmar.
No.
Why Wait.
Are you afraid? I'm not afraid of anything.
Public speaking is the number-one fear in America.
Can you shut it? Both of you? If you're not gonna do it, then I'm gonna cancel the show.
I don't wanna be the next person in the hospital.
If, uh you had, uh If if the world My dad is doing standup comedy? It's the only shot we have.
If the world were to go under today I have to see that.
I have to come.
- That's it.
I'm coming.
- Oh, I wanna come.
No.
No! No, this is serious.
There's a killer on the loose.
Well, it's gonna help your cover if you show up with friends than being, like, you know, a creepy loner guy.
[GRUNTS.]
Oh, Brad.
Change of plans.
My dad is doing a set at the Hilaritorium.
[LAUGHS.]
I know! See you tonight.
[GRUNTS ANGRILY.]
Oh, this is a bad idea.
He's so beautiful in his own way, you know? [LAUGHTER.]
Imagine if men had periods.
God.
If men were leaking out of their tiny, little pecker holes once a month, we would never hear the end of it! "Oh, babe! Let me just watch the game.
I'm on my fuckin' period.
" [LAUGHTER.]
So, Axel, Sarah says you're going by Floyd now.
What's that about? Yeah, well, I just wanted a cool name.
I love that.
Reinvent yourself, bro.
- Bring it here.
- Yeah, let's bring it here.
- So watch the fuck out.
- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.]
Thanks, guys.
And now, a last-minute addition to the bill.
- I can't do this.
- The most famous comedian in all of Sweden, which is a thing, I guess.
Ladies and gentlemen, Ingmar! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
You go get 'em, Dad! [LIGHT LAUGHTER.]
I'm sorry, but well, I just crop-dusted all of you - on my way up here.
- [LAUGHTER.]
He stole your joke.
I don't even understand that joke.
[LAUGHTER.]
This one time, I thought I was dead [LAUGHTER.]
Yeah, I couldn't see my reflection in the mirror.
Turns out, it was just - a window.
- [LAUGHTER.]
Holy crap, your dad's funny.
Well, not that funny.
Imagine that guys got periods.
Yeah, that they were leaking out from their little pecker hole once a month? We would not hear the end of it, would we? No.
"Oh, honey! Can I just watch the game? - I'm on my fucking perio-o-d!" - [LAUGHTER.]
Why is it Jessica! Stop.
What? It's you.
What the fuck are you talking about? You're threatening the other comics.
What? How could you say that? [VOICE BREAKS.]
I would never do that! Don't you think it looks weird? You left in the middle of the set looking angry? Does this look angry? No, I may have misread that.
He just gets up there, and he makes it look so easy! He's such a natural, and I'm just a hack! [CRYING.]
If it isn't you, who is it? [INGMAR.]
They're so heavy.
That's all, folks.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
I don't fucking know! God Thank you, everybody! Thank you! Shit.
Oy, geez! Never again.
Ingmar! [GRUNTS.]
[KNIFE CLINKS.]
Ron? Seriously, not cool! I've worked on my act for years! I've constructed complex, intricate jokes! And you rip 'em off?! [CRYING.]
This is pathetic.
Sorry your boyfriend tried to kill you.
Yeah, that part sucks.
[CHUCKLES.]
But I guess I'll get a good story out of it.
[INGMAR.]
Yeah.
By the way, I just crop-dusted you.
[LAUGHS.]
I still don't get that joke.
No idea what that means.
Listen, um you saved my life.
once again.
This one's to Floyd.
Well, I still don't get it.
[AXEL.]
It's not a big deal.
It's not a big deal to change your name? Well, I just thought, like, now we're becoming official detectives, I would want a cooler, more American-sounding name.
So you went with Floyd Calhoun.
You could have picked something more powerful, like Brock Stockton or Jack Smackbird - or Huge Jackman or Paul - Well well, okay, that last one is already the name of Hugh Jackman.
And a-anyway, it's too late.
- Okay? See? - Yeah, I don't wanna see it.
So, let's let it go, please.
Okay.
Well, I'm never gonna call you Floyd.
Understood.
Swedish Dicks 2x05 "Two Dicks Walk Into a Bar?" Jan 8, 2018 "Take what's mine, and you die.
So, this note, you think it's a fellow comedian that's threatening you.
Well, it all started when I got the headlining spot in the showcase next week.
Some major execs are coming, and people are really gunning for their big break.
So what exactly are you taking? Well, the spotlight, of course.
No, I used to be a DJ.
So I know how the entertainment business works.
Well, yeah, that's what I was thinking, too.
I did a video that got over a million hits and now people are coming to the Hilaritorium to see me.
So, I assume you work with celebrities.
Yeah, we work with celebrities.
I'm not a celebrity.
Nobody knows who Ally Green is.
I'm just internet famous.
Like, more famous than an extreme sports fail but less than a cat playing piano.
Okay, Ms.
Green, we'll look into your case.
Cool, thanks, but if you could just keep a real low profile.
I don't want people thinking I'm causing a problem.
Oh, don't worry about it.
We'll be very discreet.
[WHISPERS.]
Very discreet.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Hey, you - Hi.
- You busy? [CHUCKLES.]
Are you genetically modified to be the perfect boyfriend? Ah, actually, you know, I'm a robot, and we happen to find that slightly offensive.
[CHUCKLES.]
Aw.
You didn't have to do this.
Oh, I was just in the neighborhood.
I thought I'd stop by and say hi to my favorite lady.
- So, I was thinking - Lovely.
Have you heard of this new fancy restaurant called Oliver's? Mm, I have.
And from what I hear, it is very fancy indeed.
How would you like dining at said fancy restaurant on, say, Friday? I think I would like that very much.
Bleep-blop.
Bleep-bleep-bloop-bleep-bleep.
- Huh? I'm sorry.
- I was just calling back [ROBOTIC.]
to being the perfect robot boyfriend.
[NORMAL.]
I'm sorry.
I'll get out of your hair.
Have a good one.
I I admire them.
- Who? - Comedians.
I mean, to get up in front of that crowd, talk about stuff that matters to you and try to be funny? It takes guts.
Guts to go up on stage and complain about your day? And we're supposed to pay for it? No.
No, there's a lot more to it than just that.
Really, it's an art form.
Like sculpting marble.
Maybe not sculpting marble because that's really difficult, but it's more like it's like shaping shrubs.
But those fancy shrubs that look like things like dinosaurs and flamingos.
Real entertainment is going to a shooting range with a six-pack and a loaded gun.
[CHUCKLES.]
[ENGINE STARTS.]
I I don't get it! How do airplanes fly? - They're so heavy.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Cars aren't heavy.
Why don't they fly? [AXEL CHUCKLES.]
Huh? I suspect strings are involved.
I do.
I do.
- [LAUGHING.]
- This guy gets it.
Yeah! Get them with you.
Get them with Whatever you're on, pass it around, on the house.
- [YAWNS.]
- One time I thought I was dead, yeah.
I looked in a in a mirror.
I was like, "Holy crap.
I can't see my reflection.
" [LAUGHS.]
Turns out, it was just a window.
He sold it better last week.
- That joke always sucked.
- Thanks guys, thanks.
Totally.
This crowd's just easy.
- All right.
Thank you.
- [SCATTERED APPLAUSE.]
- Hey! Nice work, Ron.
- You think? Yeah! The the mirror bit finally landed, right, babe? [CHUCKLES.]
Oh, man, you're so funny.
That bit about the airplanes? I always thought that.
How do they fly? I mean, they're so heavy.
- Yeah.
- Cars can't fly.
- They're lighter, so.
- Thanks, man.
Thank you.
- So you guys all regulars? - Uh, we are, But Ally won't be for much longer.
Oh, stop it.
No, I'm not going anywhere.
Uh, no, he's not wrong.
You're our resident celebrity.
I've been here ten years, but you make one YouTube clip, and it goes viral, and you're suddenly a star.
I'm not a star.
Put 'em together for the star of our show, Ally Green! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
I'm gonna get a drink.
[ALLY.]
Hey, everybody.
Thank you so much.
- Let's hear it for Ron! - Hi.
Yeah, no, and I do appreciate your applause, but I don't think you would be applauding if you knew that I just crop-dusted all of you just now.
But by now you probably know that, actually, so.
She's not that funny.
Who the hell are you? Me? Eh, nobody.
- Comedian.
- What? - Yeah.
We both are.
- [GASPS.]
Actually very famous back in Sweden.
Surprised you haven't heard of us.
I'm I'm Floyd.
This is Ingmar.
Oh, that's wonderful, but if you guys think you're getting time on that stage, you're crazy.
What he's trying to say is, "Welcome.
" There's an open mic tomorrow.
You guys should go up there.
Probably get more laughs than him, so.
- [SCOFFS.]
- Excuse us for a moment.
Do they have Instagram filters in Heaven? Because I don't think they do.
Like, I think it's just "hashtag dead.
" [LAUGHTER.]
What's the matter with you? Are you crazy? What? You just told them we were comedians! Well, I had to say something.
You were dying in there.
I'm not gonna go up there and tell a bunch of jokes like some stupid clown! Well, calm down.
- I'll do it.
- Yeah? And that's gonna help us to figure out who did it? Huh? Who did what? I he was just trying out a new routine.
- Like - Yeah.
Who who Who stole the cookies from the cookie jar? I mean, seriously, who did it? Just tell us so we can stop guessing.
I don't know what your angle is, "famous comedians from Sweden" but I'll be really interested to see you perform tomorrow, see if you Swedes are as funny as you look.
[ENGINE STARTS.]
Spoiler alert! We're even funnier than we look! Do you think that's our guy? Absa-fruitly.
[SUN, SINGSONG.]
Bonsai! You need love, too, like people, oh, yes.
- I don't - [TELEPHONE RINGS.]
Now, is that any way to talk to an old friend, Sunny Bunny? If friends is all we were? What do you want? It turns out I may have made a little oopsie with regard to your pal Floyd's paperwork.
- What do you mean? - Well, it turns out, he may have to go back to Switzerland sooner than any one of us expected.
What are you talking about? I trust you! Ow, cool down that sexy fire, lovey.
You and I are gonna have a little sit-down and hash this out.
- What's your game, Lou? - No game.
Just come alone.
Yes, so, uh, yeah, I'm gonna do standup comedy.
Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
But, um you're not funny.
What do you mean? I'm I'm funny.
He only needs to be funny enough to keep up our cover.
The showcase is tomorrow, and I'm sure this Mark will try something tonight.
Hey, have you ever been at the grocery store? Oh, God, what are you talking about? This is what I'm gonna do onstage.
So, you're at the grocery store, you know, and, uh, when you're ready to check out, [CHUCKLES.]
you know, when you pick a line, it suddenly becomes the slowest line there.
It's, like what is that? - [CHUCKLES.]
What is that? - What's up, people? [LAUGHS.]
It's so funny, Floyd.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Respectfully disagree.
And why do you keep calling him Floyd? Oh, uh, didn't I tell you? I changed my name.
To Floyd Calhoun.
He wanted, like, a cool American name.
And you went with Floyd Calhoun? Oh, it's what he wants.
We should just respect it.
So you actually want us to call you Floyd Calhoun? [AXEL.]
Yes.
- Floyd Calhoun.
- Yes.
- For real? - Yes.
[LAUGHS.]
You are funny, dude.
Cheers.
This whole thing with Floyd, it's really just a little oopsie.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm sure the What are you doing? That is $13 Prosecco! You don't make "oopsies," Lou.
Fine! You see right through me.
I just don't get what you see in that man.
What man? - Floyd? - Yes, Floyd! I mean, I know he's beautiful, like some small mountain, Tender, like an heirloom tomato in early August, and sweet, like a breeze through schnozberry bushes.
But you've always been my girl! [GRUNTS.]
Marry me.
Have my children.
- God, you're sexy! - I can do this all day.
Me too.
[GRUNTING.]
[MARK.]
All right, party people.
We have somebody very special coming up next, Floyd from Sweden.
- I'll keep my eyes on Mark.
- [SCATTERED APPLAUSE.]
Whoo! So I am a comedian.
- From Sweden.
- Sweden sucks! - [LAUGHTER.]
- Oh.
Unnecessary.
Oh! Lost my trail of, uh, thought there.
But, uh, com jokes! Comedy.
For, uh grocery stores are funny.
You know why? Becau because of the lines.
There's always always one line No, wait, no wait.
There's a coup no, wait.
Oh, sorry.
Messed it up.
- Uh - This is not good.
[LAUGHS.]
Ooh, brain, uh hello, brain.
Where are you? Uh, calling my brain.
Eh, y-you know you know when you see movies in the future, they always have flying cars.
Why is that? Don't they like wheels in the future? [LAUGHS.]
Yeah, you gotta have wheels.
I think wheels are are good.
I-I think it's funny.
Anyone else think it's funny? Undecided.
How we and why is there an "at" symbol? It's for email, dummy! - [LAUGHTER.]
- I know it's for email.
Okay, let me explain why this is funny.
[MUFFLED LAUGHTER.]
[AXEL, FAINTLY.]
Uh, it's just two letters.
We don't need to abbreviate them, so that's why.
I-I think it's funny.
Anyone? You, too, huh? Me too what? Couldn't stand to watch that anymore? Man, that guy was really not funny.
[ENGINE STARTS.]
Hard to watch.
Kinda made me sad.
- Look out! - Ah! [GRUNTS.]
[TIRES SCREECH.]
[GROANING.]
Mark! Are you okay?! No, my leg! Aah! He finally did it! What do you mean?! What do you mean?! [GROANS.]
My leg! When did you find this? Last week.
Obviously, I didn't take it seriously.
Maybe you should have.
I should've known you guys weren't comedians.
I mean, that was the worst standup routine I have ever seen in my entire life.
Seriously.
Ever.
You know, that's hurtful.
And now I regret buying you this balloon.
Quit your crying.
You saved my life, okay? - Yeah, we did.
- Yeah, I still can't believe someone would try to kill me over some stolen jokes.
- So you steal jokes.
- No, of course not.
But when you work at a comedy club, you're always refining your material, and you hear lots of other people's work and, you know, sometimes something slips in.
I mean, everybody does it.
Even Ally.
Ally? Get well soon.
[GRUNTS.]
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
Yeah? What do you want? I need to apologize.
Oh, fuck you! Again?! I'm sorry, I was just so wild with jealousy.
You're supposed to be my number one, Sunny Bunny, and here comes this beautiful Swedish man-boy and I miss us.
We make a dynamite team.
We did, Lou.
But you a crazy son of a bitchy, and I just a total normal gal trying to live my life.
Okay, then.
I'll just go.
You treat her right, Floyd! You treat her right! - [ELEVATOR DINGS.]
- Anyway look, guys, this is crazy.
I'm not stealing people's jokes.
Not even by accident? Try to think.
- You might be next.
- Well, I don't know.
I mean, I guess there's a way that some people's stuff can seep into your subconscious.
Like Ron's bit about how Spiderman's only real power is that jizz comes out of his hands? Or Mark's thing about the snowflakes and how sometimes they do look alike and people need to get over it? But I made that stuff my own.
That's fine by us, but it does mean that any comedian there might feel robbed.
- So we have to draw them out.
- What do you mean? So that means there's an open slot tonight.
So I'll get on stage, and I'll steal jokes from everybody, and that clown, he'll be so mad, he'll come after me.
That would be a great idea if you weren't - such a shitty comedian.
- Hey You bombed so hard last night, there's no way they're gonna let you on that showcase.
What? - Nope.
- It's for the case, Ingmar.
No.
Why Wait.
Are you afraid? I'm not afraid of anything.
Public speaking is the number-one fear in America.
Can you shut it? Both of you? If you're not gonna do it, then I'm gonna cancel the show.
I don't wanna be the next person in the hospital.
If, uh you had, uh If if the world My dad is doing standup comedy? It's the only shot we have.
If the world were to go under today I have to see that.
I have to come.
- That's it.
I'm coming.
- Oh, I wanna come.
No.
No! No, this is serious.
There's a killer on the loose.
Well, it's gonna help your cover if you show up with friends than being, like, you know, a creepy loner guy.
[GRUNTS.]
Oh, Brad.
Change of plans.
My dad is doing a set at the Hilaritorium.
[LAUGHS.]
I know! See you tonight.
[GRUNTS ANGRILY.]
Oh, this is a bad idea.
He's so beautiful in his own way, you know? [LAUGHTER.]
Imagine if men had periods.
God.
If men were leaking out of their tiny, little pecker holes once a month, we would never hear the end of it! "Oh, babe! Let me just watch the game.
I'm on my fuckin' period.
" [LAUGHTER.]
So, Axel, Sarah says you're going by Floyd now.
What's that about? Yeah, well, I just wanted a cool name.
I love that.
Reinvent yourself, bro.
- Bring it here.
- Yeah, let's bring it here.
- So watch the fuck out.
- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.]
Thanks, guys.
And now, a last-minute addition to the bill.
- I can't do this.
- The most famous comedian in all of Sweden, which is a thing, I guess.
Ladies and gentlemen, Ingmar! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
You go get 'em, Dad! [LIGHT LAUGHTER.]
I'm sorry, but well, I just crop-dusted all of you - on my way up here.
- [LAUGHTER.]
He stole your joke.
I don't even understand that joke.
[LAUGHTER.]
This one time, I thought I was dead [LAUGHTER.]
Yeah, I couldn't see my reflection in the mirror.
Turns out, it was just - a window.
- [LAUGHTER.]
Holy crap, your dad's funny.
Well, not that funny.
Imagine that guys got periods.
Yeah, that they were leaking out from their little pecker hole once a month? We would not hear the end of it, would we? No.
"Oh, honey! Can I just watch the game? - I'm on my fucking perio-o-d!" - [LAUGHTER.]
Why is it Jessica! Stop.
What? It's you.
What the fuck are you talking about? You're threatening the other comics.
What? How could you say that? [VOICE BREAKS.]
I would never do that! Don't you think it looks weird? You left in the middle of the set looking angry? Does this look angry? No, I may have misread that.
He just gets up there, and he makes it look so easy! He's such a natural, and I'm just a hack! [CRYING.]
If it isn't you, who is it? [INGMAR.]
They're so heavy.
That's all, folks.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
I don't fucking know! God Thank you, everybody! Thank you! Shit.
Oy, geez! Never again.
Ingmar! [GRUNTS.]
[KNIFE CLINKS.]
Ron? Seriously, not cool! I've worked on my act for years! I've constructed complex, intricate jokes! And you rip 'em off?! [CRYING.]
This is pathetic.
Sorry your boyfriend tried to kill you.
Yeah, that part sucks.
[CHUCKLES.]
But I guess I'll get a good story out of it.
[INGMAR.]
Yeah.
By the way, I just crop-dusted you.
[LAUGHS.]
I still don't get that joke.
No idea what that means.
Listen, um you saved my life.
once again.
This one's to Floyd.