TallBoyz (2019) s02e05 Episode Script

1 BRYCE: Hi, I'm CEO and majority shareholder of BYO Oil, Bryce Tyson.
BYO Oil has fallen on hard times, and we need your help.
With no one giving these barrels of oil a home, they sit, waiting, hoping.
We've run out of room, but that doesn't mean we're gonna stop pulling it out of the ground.
No, siree! [CHUCKLES.]
Please, for less than a barrel of oil, you can foster a barrel of oil right in your home.
"How?" you say? We deliver it to you! QUINT: At first I didn't think that I'd like it, but now I look over and I know that I am doing my part.
I'm even thinking about taking in another.
MARTAN: Asphalt, sulfur, synthetic chemicals.
Oil has done a lot for me, so I'm glad I can finally do for oil.
It's here, it's here! Wow, thank you for everything you do for everybody.
DELIVERYMAN: If everyone in Canada bought 1,000 barrels of oil QUINT: If everyone in Canada bought 1,000 barrels of oil MARTAN: If everyone in Canada bought a thousand barrels of oil KAT: But what if everyone in Canada bought one million barrels of oil? MARTAN: Well, that's a little much! But it's still oil, and it's the least we can do.
BRYCE: We're all in this together.
What role will you play? MARTAN: He's finally found his forever home! KAT: I'm so proud.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
BRYCE: We stay rich so you don't have to.
- [RUMBLING.]
- MARTAN: It's the pipeline! Kids, wake up! The pipeline's here! BRYCE: Oil! You know you can drink it, right? ♪ TIM: Oh-ho-ho-ho, yeah! FRANCO: Boys, let's bust a move! TIM: This is what I'm talkin' about! [DANCE MUSIC.]
♪ GULED: Oh! Doing breakdancing classes at the community centre was the best decision we've ever made! FRANCO: Do you think Touché's gonna teach us head spins this class? VANCE: Franco, it's our second class.
Of course we're learning how to do head spins today! Hell, yeah! GULED: It's probably like a whoop! - TOUCHÉ: Hey, guys.
- [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.]
ALL: Hey, hey! GULED: Sweet! New boxes to dance on! TOUCHÉ: Yeah.
Sorry, boys, but unfortunately these boxes are for packing.
I'm afraid class is cancelled.
[SAD MUSIC.]
Forever.
TIM: Why? TOUCHÉ: Community centre's closing down.
Got bought by developers.
FRANCO: Not another condo! TOUCHÉ: Actually, they're turning it into a vacant lot.
FRANCO: Oh, nice.
Maybe we could lobby the city to build more affordable housing.
TOUCHÉ: For a year.
Then they're turning it into condos.
FRANCO: Aw, dammit! TIM: There must be something we can do.
GULED: Maybe we could collect signatures for a petition.
VANCE: Or instead of a petition, we challenge them to a competition, like a dance-off! ALL: Oh, yeah! Oh-ho! FRANCO: Getting served in a dance battle is legally binding.
TIM: That's how my uncle got custody of his kids.
VANCE: Your uncle became a backup dancer - for Kevin Federline.
- TOUCHÉ: Kevin Federline? GULED: Securing his financial stability.
TIM: Thus proving to the court his commitment to his children.
[ALL LAUGH.]
TOUCHÉ: Sadly, I don't think we can dance our way out of this.
I'm afraid Condo Corp's just too big.
[SAD MUSIC.]
♪ TOUCHÉ: Ah GULED: Oh, dammit.
FRANCO: We can't let Condo Corp do whatever they want! ♪ VANCE: Boys, I think I have a plan.
GULED: Is it your same plan? TIM: The one you said earlier about the competition? VANCE: Well, I was gonna try to - FRANCO: I'm down.
- VANCE: Okay, sick! [ALL LAUGH.]
♪ LE: Okay, guys, let's get started! KAYLA: I'm so excited to see this.
CUNG: Oh, well, we're excited to share it with you.
LE: We wanted to share our birth video with our best friends.
LE: [IN VIDEO.]
[MOANING.]
CUNG: [IN VIDEO.]
Just breathe, honey, just breathe.
CUNG: Oh, there I am! LE: Oh, all I remember is screaming for the epidural.
- The rest is a blur.
- CUNG: Gosh, yeah.
Honestly, being in that delivery room changes you.
I just remember my instincts kicking in as leader, caregiver, and protector.
CUNG: [IN VIDEO.]
Just breathe.
- LE: [SCREAMING.]
- CUNG: Hole in one CUNG: Oh! This is the part where I told you how much I loved you, honey.
CUNG: I'm not ready to be a father.
I'm running.
LE: What?! Cung! LE: Uh, Cung was supposed to be the father, but he was acting like a little baby.
CUNG: [IN VIDEO.]
No! - LE: [SCREAMING.]
- CUNG: [VOMITING.]
- LE: Oh CUNG: You know what? Let's just fast-forward to the part where I'm more calm.
[CHAOTIC NOISES IN FAST-FORWARD.]
CUNG: All right.
CUNG: I'm a little boy! I'm a little boy! I'm too small to be a daddy! LE: [IN VIDEO.]
Hey! CUNG: [IN FAST-FORWARD.]
See, I can do it! Boom! That's right, that's right! I'm the mama now! See? This is so easy! [RAPID BREATHING.]
LE: And this is the part where you birth a basketball like a baby.
CUNG: [IN FAST-FORWARD.]
You deliver the baby! Ooh! Oh, it's a boy! - Oh, you're the daddy! Here, you're the daddy! - LE: [IN VIDEO.]
[GROANS.]
Oh, Cung! What are you doing?! KAYLA: Why did you have a sandwich? CUNG: I eat when I'm stressed, okay?! LE: Oh, when is he gonna be back for my epidural?! - [SCREAMING.]
- CUNG: [GRUNTS.]
WILL: Oof.
LE: I still hate you for that.
CUNG: It was really helpful for me.
[PSYCHEDELIC MUSIC.]
CUNG: We should have a baby! Wild [CHAOTIC NOISES IN FAST-FORWARD.]
NURSE: Cung? No.
- CUNG: Aah! - NURSE: No! [CHAOTIC NOISES IN FAST-FORWARD.]
- NURSE: That is your wife! - [CHAOTIC NOISES.]
CUNG: All right.
LE: Get back into that room! DOCTOR: Okay, well, we're fully dilated.
The baby's coming.
CUNG: Oh my God, it's an alien blood baby! DOCTOR: That's the placenta, you idiot! LE: You were a horrendous mess during the delivery, but you're a great dad now.
- CUNG: I am? - LE: Yeah! Honey, look.
CUNG: [SPEAKING BABY GIBBERISH.]
- Honey, I'm doing it! - KAYLA & WILL: Aw! DOCTOR: Sir, that's not a baby.
That's my sandwich.
CUNG: Uh ♪ Shut up.
♪ G-DOG: A billion dollars, it's all there.
DABOSS-BABY: All hundreds, eh? It's lit.
G-DOG: You ain't gonna count it? DABOSS-BABY: I trust you.
DABOSS-BABY: Dirty money, dirty money.
♪ Dirty money, dirty money.
♪ I do that dirty work.
♪ You heard right.
♪ Trap erry day, turn up at night.
♪ Even though I'm filthy rich I gotta stay clean.
♪ So I made some changes post-Covid-19.
♪ Cash Runs All Things Everywhere, C.
R.
A.
T.
E.
♪ But it breeds bacteria at an alarming rate.
♪ Currency is the most exchanged item in the world.
♪ Don't put your money where your mouth is ♪ Or you're gonna hurl.
♪ Dinero is disgusting ♪ When you think about what you're touching.
♪ Doctors have discovered ♪ That any bill could be covered in ♪ Viruses, germs, even feces ♪ Not to mention DNA from 27 species.
♪ Dirty money, dirty money.
♪ Dirty money, dirty money ♪ So I quit that cold hard cash, cold turkey, ♪ But I still flex and flash, don't worry.
♪ Still gettin' lit, it just looks different, see.
♪ Now when I make it rain, I do it digitally! ♪ I'll drop a thou', you're thinkin' "How?" ♪ Get with the now.
♪ Still gonna make it drizzle.
♪ It's just from the cloud.
♪ - [PHONE DINGS.]
- DANCER: [GASPS.]
DABOSS-BABY: Dirty money, dirty money.
♪ Bacteria! ♪ - Dirty money, dirty money.
♪ - [PHONE DINGS.]
- Dirty money, dirty money.
♪ - [PHONE DINGS.]
Dirty money.
♪ YUNG SOMETHING: Used to launder my money.
♪ Now I launder my money.
♪ Dog, you better run from me.
♪ If your nose lookin' runny.
♪ Used to have ice like Frozen, Idina Menzel.
♪ Now I'm trying to stay cleaner than Howie Mandel.
♪ I stay locked in my tower like a damsel.
♪ My spring trip to New Brunswick is now cancelled.
♪ I have stopped shaking hands when I give out my bribes.
♪ Matched my black MAC-11 with my N95.
♪ Bitch.
♪ DABOSS-BABY: Dirty money, dirty money.
♪ P'TIT STOMACH: This dirty money got me feeling the love.
♪ Get Sir Will Laurier into the tub.
♪ This wet polymer must be sent from above.
♪ Always wanted to give Her Majesty the Queen a scrub.
♪ Mackenzie King and I, we'll be splashin' some suds.
♪ Give my body a rub.
♪ Tryin' to save a life, so I'm bathin' with the money, eh? ♪ DABOSS-BABY: Dirty money, dirty money.
♪ Dirty money, dirty money.
♪ Dirty money, dirty money ♪ Dirty money.
♪ DANCER: I brought your duckies.
Tubby time.
P'TIT STOMACH: Oh, hey! No, we can't share the same tub.
Uh, just leave the duckies and go, please? DANCER: [SIGHS.]
♪ VANCE: Did you know, it's illegal to be native in Canada? Really, it is.
I've been on the run my whole life, only narrowly escaping arrest by the skin of my racially ambiguous teeth.
I mean, I once had a cop plant a feather on me.
You gotta keep my heritage hush.
I'll be arrested, convicted, thrown in jail, never to be seen again.
I mean, at least on government-funded TV.
You know, despite us being here the longest and, honestly, quite attractive, we only make up 3 percent of the population.
But when we look at the prison population, we make up almost 40 percent.
I mean, if jail were a game of duck-duck-goose, I would guess Canada's got a crush on us.
Unfortunately, they're unable to get rid of us by sending us back to where we came from, because cottage country would be pretty pissed that we're home.
I've accepted that being myself in itself is a crime.
As someone who grew up Native and with a lisp, I find that very difficult to say.
COP: Hey, buddy.
- What's going on here, huh? - VANCE: Shit! COP: Getting in touch with nature? VANCE: Nah, I hate that stuff.
COP: You watch a little Star Wars tonight, huh? VANCE: We do all love Star Wars.
COP: Oh, would you look at this.
What do we have here? VANCE: No, that's yours.
Don't plant that on me! I'm gonna be here a while.
COP: I'm gonna have to take you in.
BOTH: You have the right to remain stoic.
Anything you say can and will be ignored.
You have the right to land, but you won't get any! MR.
CHEW: So where are we? MS.
SILENTO: In terms of units sold, we're already ahead of projections.
[DANCE MUSIC.]
VANCE: Urgent delivery from the mail room.
MR.
DOUGLAS: You can just drop it off at reception.
GULED: Hey! I don't come into your work and tell you what to do.
Now stop this meeting and listen to us.
We got an urgent delivery courtesy of the West End Community Centre.
['80S MUSIC.]
[MAGIC TINKLING SOUNDS.]
FRANCO: Get ready to be served! MR.
CHEW: Look out! They have subpoenas! GULED: No, we're here for a dance-off.
MR.
CHEW: Oh.
[DANCE MUSIC.]
[MAGIC TINKLING SOUND.]
[DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES.]
♪ [ALL EXCLAIMING.]
[SENTIMENTAL PIANO MUSIC.]
♪ MR.
CHEW: Security! Drop the beat.
[DJ KOOL'S "LET ME CLEAR MY THROAT".]
FRANCO: What's going on? You know that I can do it with the back of my hand ♪ TIM: Oh my God! They've done more than two classes! Run! FRANCO: They've pop'd and locked the door! GULED: We're trapped! VANCE: Aah! We're getting served! ♪ JASPER: Yeah, so I'm like her emergency contact and everything.
- GIO: Oh, wow! - FRANKLIN: No way! - JASPER: Yeah! - GIO: So things are pretty serious - between you and Fiona, eh? - JASPER: Oh, yeah.
I think I'm finally ready to ask her to marry me.
GIO: Congratulations, buddy! JASPER: Yeah, I want to do a big, grand, romantic gesture so she knows exactly how crazy I am about her.
FRANKLIN: Of course you do.
You're such a romantic.
JASPER: I'm gonna book reservations to her favourite restaurant at Niagara-on-the-Lake.
I'm thinking I'll rent a car, we'll drive down, and shortly after we leave, I'll tell her, "Someone cut the brakes.
" JASPER: Oh no, I think someone cut the brakes! FIONA: What?! GIO: Wait, what? JASPER: Yeah, then I'll just start freaking out, panicking, making her believe that we are absolutely about to die.
JASPER: I can't control the car.
It won't slow down! FIONA: What do we do? What do we do? JASPER: I don't know! I'm just panicking! FRANKLIN: But you're really safe? JASPER: No, I'll jam the ring box behind the brake pedal.
That way it's realistic.
GIO: So you're actually putting both your lives at risk? JASPER: I can't start a relationship out on a lie.
That would set a dangerous precedent.
- GIO: And this isn't dangerous? - JASPER: It'll be fine.
She'll grab the wheel while I try and figure out what's wrong.
JASPER: I'll take a look under here.
FIONA: Okay, hurry! JASPER: Then I'll put her favourite song on the radio [POP SONG PLAYS.]
JASPER: and pop the big question.
Fiona, will you marry me? FIONA: Aah! Yes, yes, of course! [CARS HONK AND SWERVE.]
JASPER: Voilà.
GIO: You can't go through with this! JASPER: I'm marrying Fiona whether you like it or not! GIO: I have no issue with you proposing, but how you're doing it is insane! FRANKLIN: You may think you're romantic, but you're no Casa Loma.
GIO: I think you mean Casanova.
FRANKLIN: I meant what I said.
Who wouldn't want to get engaged at a Gothic Revival castle in the middle of Toronto built in 1914? GIO: I could get on board with that.
FRANKLIN: Okay, you surprise her.
You take her there, with like 50 people posing as rogue militia.
They start dragging people outside, you know, to be executed, one by one.
- JASPER: [MAKES GUNSHOT NOISE.]
- GIO: Don't add sound eff FRANKLIN: Until she's the only one left.
Then you pull off the balaclava FIONA: Jasper? FRANKLIN: and pop the question.
JASPER: Will you marry me? FIONA: [GASPS EXCITEDLY.]
Yes! JASPER: That is perfect! GIO: No, it's not! It's really not! That's the worst idea ever! Don't get guns, please.
You're black, don't forget that.
- [CELL PHONE RINGS.]
- JASPER: Oh.
I'm getting a call from the Toronto Police.
FRANKLIN: What? JASPER: Hello? There's been a what? Accident? Identify the body? CORONER: These things are never easy.
It's probably one of the most gruesome ones we've seen.
The 401 was backed up for hours.
♪ - FIONA: Hey! - [POP SONGS PLAYS.]
FIONA: Jasper Bonema - Will you marry me? - JASPER: [SCREAMS.]
Oh, yes! Yes! You got me! FIONA: Right? I totally got you.
GIO: Please don't have kids! Ugh! JASPER: Were you in on this? CORONER: Dude, I knew, but I got caught up in it.
I'm from the West End ♪ I'm from the ♪ I'm from the West End ♪ EARL: So, let me give you a tour.
This is the kitchen.
We have three spoons.
Please clean them.
- MARCUS: Clean the spoons.
Got it.
- EARL: Thank you.
All right, this is an office space.
This is where one guy works.
MARCUS: Mm-hm, nice.
EARL: And he's really good.
All right, this is the bulletin board, all right? You can post anything you want there.
MARCUS: Mm-hm.
EARL: And people don't like it when you post there.
MARCUS: Oh.
EARL: All right, and this is your office.
And then, this is your washroom.
MARCUS: Huh.
It's, uh, pretty close to everyone, eh? [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
I feel kind of nervous about my plops! EARL: Orientation is over.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
♪ MARCUS: [IN PAIN.]
Oh [EXHALES NERVOUSLY.]
♪ MARCUS: Hello? Anyone? VO: I feel kind of nervous about my plops! MARCUS: [SIGHS.]
Okay, get down to business.
[SPLASHING.]
EARL: [SIGHS.]
Boy You really stunk up the bathroom earlier.
MARCUS: [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
Uh [CHUCKLES.]
EARL: I recognized your shoes.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
♪ ♪ MARCUS: Oh! ♪ ♪ Let's do this! EARL VO: You really stunk up the bathroom earlier.
I recognized your shoes.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
♪ ♪ [SPLASHING.]
[DOOR RATTLES.]
♪ FERNANDO: Looks like the stall is taken by someone with very fresh loafers.
MARCUS: [SIGHS WITH RELIEF.]
FERNANDO: Who did it?! Who clogged the toilet with their human fudge? We busted a pipe in there! That's a million-dollar log jam! Fortunately, I saw the perpetrator's loafers.
They were very fresh loafers! So we're gonna line up! [TENSE MUSIC.]
♪ FERNANDO: Black loafers.
DORIAN: It wasn't me, sir.
I swear! FERNANDO: Consider yourself fired.
MARCUS: Wait! Are you looking for these? [INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC.]
MARCUS: Yes! I'm the one who broke your bathroom.
And yes, I feel a little ashamed about it.
But I will never let a fellow office worker take unfair blame.
I could go on, but all this [YELLS.]
yelling has wreaked havoc on my intestines.
♪ [SPLASHING AND GURGLING.]
EARL: Wait Isn't the toilet still clogged? [PIPES BURST.]
DORIAN: Oh my God, it's seeping under the door! - FERNANDO: Run! - [ALL SCREAMING.]
WORKER: Huh? ♪ ♪ - VANCE: So embarrassing.
- FRANCO: So bad.
♪ TIM: That was not what I was talking about.
FRANCO: We're sorry we let you down, Touché.
GULED: Yeah.
FRANCO: We got served by those condo developers.
GULED: Turns out every employee on their payroll is a competent breakdancer.
VANCE: We just came to say goodbye to the community centre.
Goodbye, bulletin board.
I never did find my lost bike.
GULED: I never did take those guitar lessons.
TIM: And I never got to pull down a flyer.
[STRAINING.]
- FRANCO: Put your abs into it.
- VANCE: Engage your core.
FRANCO: You're gonna throw out your back.
TOUCHÉ: Guys, you did it.
The community centre is staying open.
VANCE: How? TOUCHÉ: I got a little help from a former pupil of mine.
- FRANCO: [SCREAMS.]
- VANCE: Him! FRANCO: He's back to finish the job! MR.
CHEW: Touché taught me everything I know.
And seeing you arrhythmically gyrate under the guise of breakdance is embarrassing.
Not just for you, but for the art of dance entirely.
GULED: It wasn't that bad.
MR.
CHEW: I would have rather watched a hate crime.
- ALL: Whoa! - GULED: Too much! MR.
CHEW: I knew I couldn't shut this place down in good conscience.
Intern? TOUCHÉ: Yeah, Mr.
Chew decided to keep the community centre open.
And get this.
He's even paying for renovations! - [ALL CHEERING.]
- VANCE: We did it! - ALL: Yeah! - GULED: Woo! FRANCO: You know what this means GULED: We can invest this money in real estate and double it.
ALL: Yeah! TOUCHÉ: No, you can't invest in real estate.
It's not your money.
GULED: Oh, I got an idea.
We can dance on it! - ALL: Yeah! - [DANCE MUSIC.]
[DANCE MUSIC.]
MR.
CHEW: If you scuff that cheque, it's void.