Ten Year Old Tom (2021) s02e05 Episode Script

1
- Now as our poor
young lungs deflate ♪
I'll admit
I've gotten older ♪
Mellowed out, chatting up
those I used to hate ♪
♪
The feeling that
we're lost will always fade ♪
I present no explanations ♪
Can't expect
our tired patience ♪
To satiate for long ♪
Therein lies a truth
we can sip when we want ♪
Disciples of the flow,
we can float anywhere ♪
♪
[bowling pins clatter]
- Gutter ball.
Must be some kind of problem
with the lanes.
What's going on here?
- Pssh.
- Can we get someone out here
to use some kind of device to
check if the lanes are okay?
- Sure, yeah,
let's get somebody on that.
Tom, can we talk to you
for a sec?
- What's up, guys?
- You're just at risk of
scoring a single digit score
here, so
- Oh, wait, are you suggesting
that I'm part of the problem?
- A part?
You're about to bowl a nine.
- Nine is not that bad really.
I mean
- That's a single digit score.
- In many soccer games,
they score less than three.
- Tom, the amount of times
we have to tell you
this isn't soccer
- It's not me though.
Guys, you know what it is?
It's the team name.
- The Muffins?
- It doesn't instill fear.
- No, no, it's not
the team name.
- Look at the other teams.
The Killers, The Banditos,
The Murderers.
- So there's a bunch of illegal
things going on
in one Spanish team.
- All right, kids,
there's one team still bowling,
but that's not gonna
change the outcome.
So let's all gather round
the shoe rental counter.
I got something to say.
- Well, until
the technician arrives,
I think we're at an impasse.
- Okay, everyone,
the school bowling league
has been a real success.
We're building friendships
and self-esteem.
I want to thank you all
for participating.
Our first trophy for 19th place
goes to The Muffins.
- Oh, my God, we won.
- Oh.
- I never won a trophy
in my life.
Wait here, guys,
I'm gonna do the talking.
- 19th out of how many teams?
- Pretty sure 19.
- Oh, wow, so many people
I want to thank.
Where do you start?
My mom.
I want to thank the Lord,
Jesus Christ.
- God, he said his whole name.
- I want to thank my whole
squad at Hanes.
- What?
- For making
my underwear and socks.
- Tom, we're not really
going through
- I want to thank everyone
at the shoe rental counter
for always getting
my size right.
- Yeah, size six.
- Thank you, guys.
We appreciate you.
- Right back at you, pal.
- We have 18 other trophies,
Tom.
- You know, I want to thank
everyone out there
who has ever baked a muffin.
If you've ever baked
or eaten a muffin,
this is for you.
[applause]
- Way to go, kiddo.
- Look at this.
- Wow, I did it.
- Yeah, you did it.
We're so proud of you, Tom.
- Look at that
beautiful trophy.
- Hey, let's take a picture
for our holiday card.
Tom, kiss the trophy.
- Great, how's this?
[camera clicks]
- That looks awesome.
- Now, lick it.
- Lick it?
- Yeah, lick the trophy.
- It's a little weird,
but okay.
Lick, lick, like that?
[camera clicks]
- Yup, that's right.
- Let me get in on this.
- We won.
- Okay, now get on
your uncle's shoulders and say,
"Fuck yeah! I did it!"
- I thought I'm not allowed
to curse.
- Today we're making
an exception.
- Oh, wow.
- You did it.
- Oh, fuck yeah.
Tom won.
- He's number one.
- Tom won at bowling.
- Buddy, that's
our holiday card right there.
- That's great.
- Let's clean up
and celebrate at dinner
tonight.
- Oh, this is exciting.
[doorbell rings]
- Oh, there's the plumber.
I need you to talk to
him for me.
- You're still not talking
to plumbers.
- No.
- Some point you're gonna
have to get over that.
Oh, hey, plumber.
- Hey, kid.
Here to fix the toilet again.
- Oh.
- You guys really need to stop
taking such huge dumps.
You really do.
- I know.
My uncle's been staying here.
It's a real problem.
- Oh! What do we got there?
Did you win some kind of award?
- Oh, yeah,
we're all very excited.
I won a top prize
in my bowling league.
- 19th place?
What the hell is this?
- My team won 19th place
out of multiple teams.
- Okay, kid.
- Yeah?
- Do you know what the word
patronizing means?
- No, I'm not well read.
- It means your teachers
and family are indulging you.
- Indulging?
- Yeah.
This is a bullshit trophy.
- No. Everyone's very excited.
My grandma was literally
licking it.
- She's licking it?
- Yeah, we all did.
Everyone celebrates
differently.
- And you licked it.
Everybody licked it.
- Don't worry about it.
We just got our tongues out
and started licking it and
we're all in a very good mood.
- Can I tell you something?
- Yeah.
- In the real world,
they don't give out trophies
for mediocrity.
- They don't?
- You think I get a trophy
every time I fix
someone's flat valve?
- I can't picture it. No.
- Come out to my van.
I want to give you the trophy
you deserve.
- Oh, another trophy.
All right, great.
- All right,
fire this puppy up.
- Wait, what's this device?
What are you doing?
- You're gonna thank me
for this someday.
Now, this here is what you get
in the real world
for sucking at bowling.
- Wait, what are you doing?
No, no.
- Just watch. Just watch.
- No, no. Stop.
- Relax. Chill out.
- The trophy's melting.
- Just be patient with it.
- Oh, this is--this is
very upsetting.
- Six ounces of raw aluminum
molded into the shape
of a piece of poop.
- We really have to look for
a new plumber at some point.
- Please don't do that.
Don't do that.
- Hey, Tom, you want to come
sit with us?
- Oh, you got your whole team,
whole team
- Yeah, we got the whole squad.
- The whole squad, all right.
Hey, Nelson, you want to go sit
with my bowling boys?
- Pssh, absolutely not, man.
That's a whole subculture
I don't need to
be involved with.
- No?
- We'll catch up later.
- Okay.
He's comfortable up there.
What's up, guys?
- Hey, Tom.
I didn't mean to criticize you
the other day.
- It's fine.
- We still won a trophy,
so we must've done
something right.
- We're all winners.
We're all winners.
- So we were thinking,
why don't we each keep
the trophy for one week.
You know, you had it first.
Then I'll keep it, then Hector.
- You know, actually
I should've mentioned.
I kind of melted the trophy.
- What do you mean?
- You're expecting us
to fill in the dots now?
- I got into the back
of my plumber's van
and used an industrial
soldering iron to melt
the trophy down
to its core elements.
- What--what is this?
- I still have the trophy.
I mean, it's not like
I destroyed it.
- Was it trying to make
it look like poop?
- What kind of teammate
does this?
- I just melted it down.
It still looks pretty
here you go.
You want to hold it?
- Ew, gross.
[groans]
[glass shatters and
tires screech]
- Okay, kids.
What's the racket all about?
- Well, Tom melted down
our bowling trophy
to make it look like poop.
- Tom, why would you do that
to a beautiful trophy?
- Just to be clear,
my plumber melted it.
I was just--I was by the van.
- Tom, Tom, why would you have
your plumber melt the trophy?
- Why?
- Yes.
Answer the question, Tom.
- Uh
I mean, if you must know.
I was told that 3/4 of
the league probably
doesn't deserve a trophy,
that we're just being indulged
because they don't
want us to feel bad.
In the real world,
no one's gonna be this nice.
We're gonna get a harsh dose
of reality. That's all.
- Yeah, actually that
makes a lot of sense.
[somber music]
- Come on, kids. Play.
- What's the point when
trophies have no meaning?
- Did you know 75% of us kids
are losers?
- Kids, if you feel depressed,
just, like, try being
happy instead.
I can't give you Prozac.
- Wow. Well, now I'm starting
to question the whole
Bus Driver of the Month
certificate.
What am I, just a puppet with
the bus company's hand
up my butthole?
- Listen, kids, I know that
some of you are feeling down
because of what Tom said
about trophies.
So to cheer you kids up,
I brought in the top
motivational speaker
in New Jersey.
Come on out here, Chaz.
- Okay, kids.
How you feeling?
- Not great.
- Very bad.
- Oh, come on.
I can't hear you.
I said how you feeling?
Because you want to
know something?
I feel great,
so let's start with some
positivity exercises.
Son, you, right there.
- Wait, me? No.
- You, come on up here.
- No.
- Yes, you. Come! On! Up! Here!
- You got to relax.
- Get on up here, you little
mopey son of a bitch.
Ah, what's your name?
I just want to squeeze ya.
- Hey, can we take the pace
down a notch?
- No! I want to know your name,
young man.
What is it?
- Uh, Tom.
My name's Tom.
- Tom!
That is a beautiful name.
- Really? I don't get a lot of
compliments on it.
- Tom, let me ask you something
real quick.
What is your dream in life?
- My dream?
- Yes, your dream.
What is your dream?
- Some kind of entry level
bassoon job.
- Okay, starting at the bottom.
Humble.
I appreciate that.
Now, if you put
your mind to it,
you can be the best bassoonist
of your generation.
- Oh, now you're being silly.
- Oh, you just have
to believe, Tom.
- I'm pretty bad.
- Tom, I want to hear you say
I believe.
- I believe?
But it feels like a stretch
if I'm being honest.
- Tom, okay,
just the believe part.
Scream it!
- You're sweating a lot.
You realize that, right?
- Yeah, I am because this is
how much I believe in you.
- Oh, he's picking me up.
- Hey, don't touch the kids.
- I believe. I want you to
shout it to the universe, okay?
What do you weigh?
- Can I sit down now?
I believe.
- I bel--oh, shit.
- What's wrong?
- What is this?
Oh.
[mic screeches]
- Oh, my God, did Tom just kill
the motivational speaker?
- I believe. Is it weird to say
it at this point?
[organ chords]
- Listen, one thing
we all have in common
is that we're very sad
at the loss of this man.
But also I want to make it
very clear
that from a liability
standpoint,
we have no responsibility
at all.
So if somebody
was gonna sue us,
they would lose.
Thank you, everybody.
- That was beautiful.
Tom, psst, Tom.
- Oh, hey.
Who are you?
- Who am I?
I'm Charlotte.
You killed my husband.
- Oh, you're the--sorry.
Sorry about that.
- I just want to let you know
that I don't want you
to feel bad, but you were
my husband's final student.
- I know.
Listen, if there's anything
I can do, just say the word.
- Yeah.
- Anything.
- Oh, I want to say it.
- Okay.
- Listen, if you want
to honor my husband's legacy
- Okay.
- You need to go out
into the world
and achieve all of your dreams.
- Achieve my dreams?
Oh, that's kind of a big ask.
- Is it?
- Well
- He's dead.
He's never gonna breathe again.
- I said sorry.
- Sorry's not gonna
cut it this time.
Look, it'd be such an
affirmation of his legacy.
Look, I understand you want to
be a master bassoonist.
- Oh, I might've casually said
bassoon on stage.
I was panicking.
- Tom, look, he's looking down
on us right now.
Look at him.
- Is he?
- He's saying, "Hey, Tom,
you can go play the shit
out of that bassoon."
- You think that's
what he's saying?
- Oh, I know that's
what he's saying.
- All right, well,
I'll see what I can do.
Just check in in a few years
when I'm in my late teens.
- Sure, sure. It'll be
a week by week situation.
I'll see you every seven days.
[school bell rings]
- Okay, kids,
see you all next week.
And Hector, I apologize
for calling you
a ham-handed imbecile.
- It's okay, Mr. B.
I appreciate the feedback.
- Good for you.
- Hey, Mr. B.
- What is it, Thomas?
- Listen, I'm trying to become
the number one bassoon player
in the tri-state area,
and I need your help.
- You would need a lot more
than my help, Thomas.
- I just need something
that says I'm special.
- Tom.
- Yeah.
- You're not special.
- No, I kind of am.
- You stink.
- No, I don't stink.
- Thomas, you stink.
- No, don't say that, Mr. B.
- You very much stink.
- Not a good motivational
speaker, are you?
Listen, this is actually
for a good cause.
I promised the speaker's widow
that I would do this
in his memory,
so if you don't do it for me,
will you do it for Chaz?
Please?
- I'll tell you what.
My ex-wife Olivia
works at Carnegie Hall.
- Carnegie Hall?
No, that sounds fancy.
- And if you promise me
to practice hard
- No.
- I can talk to her
about working you
into one of the warm-up acts.
- No, I don't need to--
I can't do that.
That sounds crazy.
- Well, you just said how much
you believe in yourself.
- I was just flapping my lips.
I'd have to practice.
I'd have to
- Tom, there's a wonderful joke
I love to tell.
It goes: how do you get to
Carnegie Hall?
Practice.
- You're not known for
your sense of humor, are you?
[dramatic classical music]
♪
[bass notes]
Hey, do you mind?
I'm practicing here.
- Thank you, everyone.
We have a special treat this
evening before the main show.
This brave young man wants to
honor the memory of his mentor
who passed away sadly while
encouraging him
to chase his dreams.
And tonight,
that dream comes true.
Tom, the floor is yours.
[applause]
- Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Um, I'd like to play a song in
memory of the man who taught me
to chase my dreams
and to always believe.
Which is why I'd like to play
a beautiful song called
"I Believe I Can Fly"
by R. Kelly.
- Wait, R. Kelly? Does anybody
glance at a newspaper?
- What's wrong? What happened?
- Sorry.
Tom, play literally
any song but that.
- Any? Oh, no, that's the only
song I learned.
- What?
- I haven't slept
in three days.
- I'll take his place.
- Wait, who exactly are you?
- I'm the boy's plumber.
- What is happening?
Why is he here?
- You know, folks, as a kid
I wanted to play tuba,
but no one encouraged me.
- Why is he talking?
- My dad would say,
"You suck at tuba, kid.
Just fix toilets
like your old man."
Now, that's what I do.
- Get him off.
Cut the mic.
- Every day I wake up
and I know my hands
are going in a place
where people put things
they're ashamed of.
So to play Carnegie Hall, for
me, would be a dream come true.
- All right,
don't listen to him.
- Tom, stop trying to steal
my moment here.
- It's not your moment.
Why are you even here?
- Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for Tom's plumber.
- Oh, no.
[applause]
- Thank you.
This really means a lot.
This is for you, Dad.
[plays "If You're Happy
and You Know It"]
- They're clapping for that?
I could've learned that
in five minutes.
This is terrible.
- Hey, Tom.
- Yeah.
- If my husband were here,
do you know what he'd say?
- You got to believe?
- No. He'd say "You suck."
What kind of jackass
only learns one song?
- I guess, uh, good thing
he's not here.
That would be very unpleasant.
♪
[upbeat music]
- These curly fries
are amazing.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yup.
- They're literally the best
food I've ever eaten.
- Excuse me,
I want my money back.
These curly fries
are disgusting.
- Wait, what?
- They taste like
a bag of limp dicks.
- That's a weird way
to describe things, but
- You know what? I can't talk
to this imbecile.
I want to speak to
the manager here.
- There's no manager, ma'am.
It's a snack bar.
- You are baiting me.
- What?
- I am not leaving until
this is resolved.
- Did I do something wrong?
I
- I'm calling the police.
- Ma'am
- Hello, police?
- 911, what's your emergency?
- I've been forced to eat
some shit fries.
- Okay.
- And I've been humiliated here
by--and they keep telling me
there's no boss.
- Got it.
- What do I do when they say
there's no boss?
What does that mean for me?
- You know what?
This ain't worth it.
Here's your money.
- Thank you.
Thank you so--you know,
you're such a sweetie pie.
- I appreciate that.
- This is such a good example
of great customer service.
Bye-bye.
- Wait, why did she get special
treatment for being obnoxious?
- Oh, my mom's kind of like
the queen of complaining.
- The queen of complaining.
- Yeah.
She actually gives talks on it.
You should check it out
sometime.
- She teaches people
to complain.
- I mean, if you don't mind
being hated by everyone,
it's a great way
to get free stuff.
- Well, next up we're gonna
talk about complaining.
Please welcome Dakota's mom.
- Hello, everyone.
I want to ask you all
a question.
What is complaining?
Over the next four hours,
we're gonna break it down.
- Wait, four hours?
She said four.
- [sighs]
Let me text my dad and tell him
I'll be late for dinner.
- Is there something wrong
with complaining?
I promise you it's as important
as water.
And remember, never speak to
the person helping you.
If someone is helping you,
you should look down and
give them a side eye glance.
You don't need
to respect others.
You are most important.
When you respect others,
you are taking away
from yourself.
If you take your own excrement
and throw it at somebody,
there is nothing wrong
with that.
I want you all to know,
afterwards I'm gonna be signing
copies of my book.
It's called "I'd Like to Speak
to the Manager:
My Life as a Complainer."
- Tom, we've got to
buy that book.
- Wait, are you kidding?
That was the craziest talk
I've ever heard.
- If we play our cards right,
we'll never pay
for anything again.
Excuse me,
can I get my money back?
This pizza has a lot of cheese
all over it.
Somebody spilled extra cheese
on my pizza.
- Uh, what?
- Ask for the manager.
- Don't make me speak
to the manager.
- Don't tell him
to lower his voice.
- Don't make me speak to
the manager up in here.
- Um, excuse me?
Can I get a free Slurpee?
This cashier is saying
slanderous things about
Polish people.
- What? I literally said
- I don't talk to cashiers.
I'd like to speak
to the manager.
- Okay, Tom's turn.
Pretzel time.
- Oh, no, I might pass.
I don't think this is my speed.
- Tom, you heard
Dakota's mom speech.
You need to tap into
your inner maniac.
- I don't think I have one.
I don't think I have
an inner maniac.
- You do. Everyone does.
- All right.
Let me see what I can do.
Let me lay into this
son of a bitch.
- All right, little man,
here's your pretzel bites
and your large coke and hey,
say what's up to my boy,
the bus driver,
if you catch him.
- Afraid I can't do that,
Glenn,
'cause right now I need to
speak to the manager.
- Wait, what now?
What now?
- Can I get the manager
out here please?
I can't talk to this imbecile.
- Yo, dude, what's the issue
here, like
- Don't tell me
to lower my voice.
- Dude, do you want
the pretzel bites or not?
Like what is the matter?
- Can I see the manager?
This cashier--I think the guy
just peed in my coke.
- Wait, what now?
Dude, I didn't--
yo, I didn't
pee in nothing, dude.
- I'm sorry.
What's going on over here?
- Oh, hey, thank you.
Hate to complain,
but this guy just urinated
in my coke.
- What?
- He just peed in my coke.
- Is there anything
more to that story?
He just started peeing
in your coke.
- Yeah.
- This some TikTok
bullshit, dude.
- I just asked for some pretzel
bites and next thing I know,
he whipped out his Johnson.
- Dude, I didn't literally--
- You know what?
I'm very sorry this happened.
- Yeah.
- So your order is free.
- Really?
- Here is a voucher for a
lifetime supply of pretzels.
- That's amazing.
- Glenn, back room. Now.
- Oh, that's bullshit, dude.
[door closes]
- That felt good.
- Wow.
- I complained,
I talked about his penis.
- Oh, we get stuff done.
- We're getting free pretzels.
- For life.
- Thanks a lot, asshole.
- Oh, hey, Glenn.
Sorry about that.
- Don't "hey, Glenn" me.
- What's wrong?
- Yo, you got me fired thanks
to your little shenanigans.
- Wait, what?
- Yeah.
- They fired you?
- They don't want
people putting their pricks
in people's cokes
and peeing and all that.
- Oh, no.
Now, I feel bad.
I'm sorry, Glenn.
- Yeah, well, sorry
ain't gonna cut it, dog.
Unless you gonna pay me every
two weeks.
You know what I'm saying?
- I'm definitely not
gonna do that.
- How'd you like it
if I came to your job and
started shit talking you, huh?
Huh, huh, huh?
- Well, you can't.
I don't have a job,
so you can't.
I go to school.
- Oh, great.
I'll see you there.
Ugh, who's the bassoon guy?
More like the buffoon guy.
- Oh, no.
- Yo, you suck, dawg.
You ruined the whole concerto.
Yo, look at that idiot
on third base.
- Oh, not again.
- He has no athletic ability.
He's like Bo Jackson
if he didn't--
if he sucked at everything.
- No, I'm good,
very good athlete,
very good at sports.
- I-I'd really encourage you
to take up bassoon.
It's just a fun instrument.
It's easy to play.
- Uh, just my two cents
- Oh, no.
- But this kid,
he chews funny.
Oh, what a wack face.
Yeah, I wouldn't put food
in that thing.
You know what I'm saying?
You don't know how to eat,
lips all smackin' all weird.
Look at you,
mouth going up and down.
- Doesn't even make any sense.
- You suck at eating.
Who sucks at eating?
You suck at eating, dawg.
- Hey, Principal.
What's going on?
You wanted to see me?
- Tom, how are you?
- Everything okay?
- I'm getting a lot of
complaints about you.
- Complaints about me?
- Yeah.
People are saying you're lazy,
dumb,
you wear the same shirt
all the time, and
- What?
- The list just goes on and on.
- From who?
- From concerned parents.
- Concerned parents
are saying that?
- Yeah, the--the--
- Name one.
- Uh, Dick Jackoff,
Ben Dover
- What?
- Uh, Seymour Buns,
Dick Stroker,
Anita Dick.
I mean, the--Tom,
the list just goes on and on.
- Principal,
those are obviously fake names.
- Tom, I'm not in the mood.
- Those are joke names.
- Tom, all I know is
they're complaints,
and until they stop
pouring in,
I'm--I'm gonna have to
suspend you.
- You're gonna suspend me
because Dick Stroker
thinks I'm lazy.
- Tom, please just
show yourself to the door.
You're really making
a fool of yourself.
[birds chirping]
- Oh, what a day.
Don't overreact, Mom,
but, uh, I got suspended.
- What? Why?
- Eh,
I've got a pretzel cashier
with a personal vendetta
against me.
- What?
- I complained, and now he's--
he said he vows to ruin me.
- You complained?
- I was trying to get
free stuff.
I read Dakota's Mom's book.
- Tom, why would you listen
to that woman?
She's a monster.
- You have to admit, though,
she gets her way.
She gets free stuff.
- So do I.
I get my way too.
- Really?
- But I get my way
by being nice.
- Nice?
- On Yelp,
I'm crapping out
five-star reviews
like there's no tomorrow.
- You're crapping 'em out?
- I'm layin' 'em down.
- What do you mean?
You give nice reviews so
the store will treat you well?
- Yes.
- Oh, so it's fake--fake nice.
- Yeah. Let's give this Glenn
some nice reviews.
He'll be on your good side
in no time, okay?
- How nice could a review
possibly be?
- "Glenn is a polite, handsome,
pretzel cashier."
- I love it.
- "I have nothing else
"to live for
aside from the smile
"I might receive from Glenn,
the sexy and helpful
pretzel cashier at the mall."
- That's an amazing review.
- Mm-hmm.
- Let's keep doing it.
That actually feels nice
to be positive, I mean
- Yeah, okay, why not?
- Let's write some more.
- Costs nothing to be nice.
I want you to remember
I told you that.
- "The hostess at Pizzarama
is a pure delight
"a national treasure,
and a real authentic beauty?
"Sparkling eyes
that invite you in?
She don't know she beautiful?"
Five stars? Sick.
- "The priest
makes religion fun,
and he's also super-hot?"
Five stars?
- "The coach is great
with kids and totally handsome.
I would for sure hit that?"
All righty.
- Aw, Glenn, I'm so glad
this worked out.
- Aw, what's up, big man?
Big thanks, dawg,
for helping me get my job back.
Your mom's reviews, yo,
they went a long way, player.
- Glad it worked out.
I'm glad we're friends again.
- Hell, yeah, dawg.
- Weird guy to have
as a friend,
but I feel better.
- It's weirder for me.
You're a child.
You know what I'm saying?
But, uh
- It's a strange friendship.
No two ways about that,
but I'll see you around.
- Hell, yeah, dude.
[upbeat music]
- Be honest.
Do these jeans flatter my butt?
I'm going for, like,
a young, sexy accountant look.
- I guess they hug
your buttocks.
- Do they snug it?
Are they snug on my bum?
- Dakota's dad?
- Hey, Tom.
- What are you doing
at the Euro Zone?
- Eh, just trying on
some new duds.
How--how do I look?
- I don't know.
Kinda weird.
- Actually, you're just
the person I wanted to see.
Uh, why don't you come in
to the fitting room with me?
- With you? No.
- Tom, I've done
your mother's taxes.
There are no secrets
between us.
Now, let's go.
Ring these up. Thanks.
- What are we doing
in the Euro Zone fitting room?
- Tom, this is all
very unexpected,
but your mom seems
very attracted to me.
- Wait, my mom? No.
- She went online and posted
this crazy review
- Oh.
- About how
I'm a great accountant
and very handsome,
all kinds of flattering stuff.
- No, you know, I wouldn't
read too much into that.
She does that a lot.
- Tom, she said I'm the most
bangable accountant
who's ever done her taxes.
- She used the word "bangable"?
- I was so excited
I could barely see straight.
- You know, just slow down.
You're--you're out of control.
You're trying on clothes.
You're--
- Tom,
I have never felt so alive.
This may seem hasty,
but my plan is to divorce
my wife
- No.
- Quit my job,
and start dating your mom.
- Oh, no.
- You're gonna hear
a lot of sound
coming out of that bedroom.
- This is your plan
based on one Yelp review?
- Oh, Tom, I am so starved
for compliments.
I'll take this to my grave.
- Nelson,
I'm gonna need your seat.
I need to talk to Tom.
- Uh-oh.
Don't want to get
in the middle of this.
Nelson's falling back.
- Nelson, don't leave me,
please.
- What did your mom say
to my dad?
- What did she say?
- Yeah, 'cause he's talking
about getting divorced
and taking his guitar
more seriously.
He wants to start dating
your mom.
- Oh, yeah, he mentioned that.
It was actually
a misunderstanding.
I wrote half of that stuff.
- What?
- Yeah, I wanted to be
more positive.
- Your mom didn't even
write it?
- She doesn't like him
on any level.
- She doesn't want to have sex
with my father?
- Not--not even a little, no.
- Okay,
you've got to come clean.
You've got to tell my dad
right now
before he does something crazy.
- Oh, no.
No, he seemed so excited.
He was--
- The only way to handle this,
Tom, is,
you go to my father's office
- No, please.
- Right now,
- And you tell my dad
to his face that he is
an unattractive
- No.
- Undesirable man
with a bad personality,
and your mom is not interested.
- All right, feels like a
strange thing to hear from me,
but okay.
- Tom, why are you going
to Dakota's dad's office?
- Oh, I need to clear
something up.
He thinks my mom likes him,
but she doesn't.
- Oh, wow.
- I'm just worried
it's gonna hurt his feelings.
The guy gets criticized
so much.
- Hmm, here's an idea.
- Yeah?
- Tell him that your mom
is not interested,
but someone else is, just to
just to soften the blow.
- Sounds nice, but who on Earth
would be interested in the guy?
- The lady in the ads.
- The lady in the ads?
- The lady in the ads.
Look.
- Oh, the lady in the ads.
- This woman is clearly looking
for companionship.
- Oh, what an idea.
- This is a win-win situation
right here.
- What a nice thing to do.
- Hold on.
Let me get my burner phone.
Give her a call.
- Here, let's give her a call.
[line trilling]
- Hi.
- Oh, hey.
- My name's Denise.
- I'm calling for a friend who,
uh--
- You want to date me?
- Me? What?
- Do you want tit?
- Tit.
- Do you want butt?
- Butt.
- You sound so sexy.
- Really?
- Keep talking.
You're driving me crazy.
She sounds very friendly.
- Ohh.
- Very friendly
and very complimentary.
I think she's perfect.
- Ohh.
- Hello? Dakota's dad?
- Tom?
What are you doing here?
- Hey, sorry to barge in.
I have a confession to make.
- Okay.
- My mom doesn't like you.
She doesn't want to bang you.
She doesn't want to nail you.
- Yeah.
- She thinks you're gross.
- Uh--
- She thinks you're really
disgusting and
- I-I-I know, Tom.
- Not sexy.
- Tom, I get it.
- Oh, w--wait.
- I'm one step ahead of you.
- Oh, you know.
- Yeah, I poked around
your mom's Yelp reviews,
and I realized she uses the
word "handsome" quite freely.
- Yeah, she does like to tell
people they're handsome.
- I mean, she said the plumber
is handsome,
and that guy's worse-looking
than me.
- He's not classically
good-looking.
- No, he's very ugly,
very ugly.
- Well, you seem to be
taking it well.
- Eh, I'm fine.
I'm not getting divorced.
And I'm not quitting my job.
- Oh, that's great to hear.
- I've spent 20 years here
climbing my way to the top.
Why would I throw it away?
[door clicks opens]
- Brad,
you've crossed the line.
We're letting you go.
- W-what?
What did I do?
- There is a street-walking
whore lady
at the reception
demanding to see you.
- Where's my date?
- Oh, no.
- Where's my big Brad?
Where's my big old Brad?
Get your hands off me.
Don't you dare touch me.
- I don't know that woman.
I'm--I'm a happily married man.
- Okay, well, now I know
you're definitely lying,
because you are not
"happily married."
Just pack your shit, Brad.
Pack it.
[door slams shut]
- You know,
why don't I show myself out?
It seems like you've got
a lot going on.
- Remember
there's more road ♪
And places to go ♪
And patterns
to contemplate ♪
More people to fornicate ♪
And remember
there's a lot of good omens ♪
Supplying the proof ♪
That our life
is the best joke ever told ♪
Remember it's a joke
and leave it alone ♪
Let go and try to be
always abiding ♪
Remember if there's
one good reason for dying ♪
The sweet silver lining ♪
Through you she lives on ♪
And therein lies a truth ♪
We can sip when we want ♪
Disciples of the flow ♪
We can float anywhere ♪
If ever there's a drought,
I've listed the puddles ♪