The Awesomes (2013) s02e05 Episode Script

I cannot believe you forgot where you parked the jet.
Hey, at least I remember important things.
- Like my wedding anniversary.
- You're not married.
- Oh, right.
Forgot.
- Oh, my God, look at that.
- What? Hey! - Out the way! This is illegal copyright infringement.
We are the Awesomes, and we would never sell our name and image for financial Oh, my God! It's me.
I'm an action figure.
This is the dream, this is the dream, this is the dream.
Ow, I broke my arm again.
- Still cool.
- Geez, the torpedoes they slapped on me make Mae West look like Irene Dunne.
Geez, the torpedoes they slapped on me make Mae West look like Irene Dunne.
Hey, it's me.
Dude, look how cut I look.
- That's cute.
- Huh? Excuse me.
Is there a special Frantic section? Perhaps a corner kiosk to accommodate the heavy foot traffic.
- Um, kind of.
- Wow, what a deal! Ooh, that deals even better.
Wait a second, it seems like once again something I took for a positive is revealing itself to be a negative.
- Curse you, switcheroos.
- I'm sorry, this is so awkward.
I don't want to talk to you anymore.
Sorry.
This feels awesome This feels awesome Yeah, this feels awesome Now, this feels awesome This feels awesome This feels so awesome Thank you all for being here.
- Frantic, turn your chair around.
- Ugh.
Awesomes, this is television producer Lola Gold.
I'll get right to the point.
Your team's rising popularity is presenting a unique opportunity.
People want to know more about the Awesomes, and we're gonna tell 'em.
With a 10-episode television show.
Absolutely not.
We fight crime.
We're not self-promoters.
- We're safe-promoters.
- Oof.
Back to the drawing board for that one.
I get where you're coming from, Prock, but you know, the old Awesomes did a few propaganda films.
In these trying times, it's important to remember we have Lady Liberty on our side.
- And freedom.
- And the good old stars and stripes.
So remember to buy war bonds to help fight the German menace.
Die, American heroes! I'm not the real Hitler! I'm just an actor.
I'm sorry, was that story supposed to be helpful? It was supposed to be a story.
Do whatever the hell you want with it.
I wouldn't be opposed to embracing some of the limelight.
My natural theatricality almost demands it.
Yeah, I took an improv class in fourth grade.
And I'll never forget the old improv rule.
Yes and something.
I can never remember what goes with yes.
Do you mind if I talk to my team for a minute? Oh, fine, but make it quick.
Windows of opportunity have a way of shutting.
Need I remind everyone here we have an escaped convict hiding out in Awesome Mountain? We can't have cameras in here 24/7.
I think we should do it.
- Okay, you really shouldn't be in here.
- We should do it.
I wanna be famous.
You are famous.
You were one of the most popular superheroes, then got convicted of treason in an incredibly high-profile trial, escaped, and now you're the most well-known fugitive in the world.
- I wanna be more famous.
- Oh, come on, Prock.
It'll be great! Plus, television is the perfect medium to show the world the real me.
In regards to the real me, when would we start? I need a nose job, fake contacts and that plastic surgery that makes you look like a cat.
Rawr.
Sounds like a bad idea to me.
Please, Prock.
I'm begging you.
I just wanna be loved and accepted for once in my life.
Can you promise this will be classy and dignified - and not some cheap reality show? - Here's how classy it'll be.
People will put it in their Netflix queue, but they're never gonna watch it.
Ooh.
In that case I reluctantly agree.
You won't regret it.
Get that thing away from me.
Hey, hey, hey, I'm taking a shower.
This is not what we agreed on.
What happens when seven heroes live under one roof? I'm gonna like the way I look.
I guarantee it.
I put the "bitch" in "old bitch.
" When I'm fussy, everyone is fussy.
I like to Hey! According to my schedule, today we do things my way.
Flex, flex, flex, flex.
Sorry, what do you mean, "say something sassy"? It's mean, obscene and on your TV screen.
It's the real heroes of Awesome Mountain.
I look disgusting.
The camera adds 10 pounds.
Shh, here's my big part! Here's my big part! I made sure to say some very titillating things.
The thing about showers is Hey, why'd they cut away so fast? Well, you know, they have hundreds of hours of footage, so they can only use the very best.
I am less interesting than flossing.
This is a nightmare.
We're 15 minutes in, and we haven't even left the bathroom.
There is hair in the drain.
Jaclyn, is there anything you can do to get us out of this? Well, no.
This contract is airtight.
- They own you for 25 more seasons.
- Twenty-five? Excuse me, would you sign a waiver to be on our show? Don't touch me.
It's just that quick temper that makes you such a compelling personality.
We really think if America got to know you, - you could be a star.
- Really? Wow, okay.
Sure, I'll sign right here.
Ooh-la-la.
Oh, [bleep.]
.
What did I do? This antidote is guaranteed to turn you good.
Okey-dokey, I think we're ready to give this a try.
Eh, I-I thought it would take longer.
I've been synthesizing this for two months.
- Now it's show time.
- Hey, before we do it, how about one more game of Scrabble? Nah.
Takes too long.
With you having to pick up the tiles with your mouth and move them around with your nose.
No offense, it's a real bummer to watch.
Okay, I guess I might as well get it over with.
- But you've tested this, right? - Tested? On who? You know, like a rat or a monkey, or a double-blind study.
- We're in space.
- Right.
Didn't they send a monkey into space? - Is he still around? - Relax, Malocchio.
This antidote contains everything wholesome and innocent in the world.
Rainbows, cotton candy, children's laughter, panda bears.
- But mainly chemicals.
- Okay, so we're in agreement.
Let's go find that space monkey.
Wait, there's panda bear in this? Where did you get it? I try not to think about where the panda parts come from.
Ha! You're gonna have to hit a more important part of my body than my head.
It'll take more than that to defeat the Fish Sticks.
Fish Sticks? Because you're fish and you fight with sticks.
Wow.
Yeah, I know.
Pretty good, right? Huh? Huh? Ew, fish penises.
It's like a Ukrainian delicatessen.
Whoo, I'm gonna get me a big one, baby.
That's tartar sauce, 'cause you're a fish.
Boom! Did you guys get that? "Tartar sauce.
" Cut.
Cut.
- I'm sorry, huys.
What are you doing? - She said "cut.
" Yeah, but there are bad guys, like right here.
Prock, don't worry.
The Fish Sticks are actors.
- Actors? - We're big fans, by the way.
- Thrilled to be working with you.
- Have I seen you in something? I was in an episode of Detective Homicide Squad.
I played Murder Victim Two.
Oh, you were good.
Can you do it for me? - I'd rather not.
- Please! Bravo.
We're supposed to be fighting crime, not actors.
Oh, well, you're getting your wish.
Our research shows that the Fish Sticks are not testing well in the demographic.
- Kids today want dark, not silly.
- Excuse me, are we fired? - Because I just found my character.
- Yeah, you're fired.
Good.
Now, will the Awesomes please join me as we find some real villains? - Now is not great for that.
- What? Why? Well, I'm shooting a segment for my new show, Impromsario, where I help nerdy teenagers dress for the big dance.
And Gadget Gal and I are meeting with a PR team - for our perfume launch.
- We'd skip it, but with perfume, it's all in the launch.
And Muscleman and I are pitching a spin-off show, - Sumo Money, Sumo Problems.
- I play the problems.
So you have my entire team engaged in TV nonsense? - Uh, not Frantic.
He's all yours.
- But I wanna do TV nonsense.
Oh, I'm sorry, Frantic.
You're just not marketable.
No! N-N-N-N-No! I will not stand for this! Oh, man, I sound like my action figure.
Not dark enough? Well, Lola Gold, you've just made a mistake you will Line.
Ugh, "live to regret.
" Live to regret.
It was on the tip of my tongue! Crime haunts our nation.
Murder.
Assault.
Robbery.
But nothing is more threatening to the welfare of our citizens than fashion crimes! Nuh-uh.
Goodbye.
Did your look get a good night's sleep? Because your look is tired.
It's Fighting Fashion Crime, with Impresario.
Only on the YUK.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe the Awesomes are all getting their own shows.
- Who cares about these stupid people? - Hey! I was watching that.
He was making dressing better fun with his snarky comments.
Mom, these are my enemies! Why can't you be enemies with a show I don't watch? Like basketball.
Or the news.
Tonight, City Hall is on lockdown as the Fish Sticks have kidnapped the mayor.
We have your mayor, and we're gonna cut off one of his toes every hour until the Awesomes and their film crew meet us in battle.
Well I did not realize how dark the Fish Sticks were.
Sometimes people are a little darker than you think.
Don't make me call HR again, Barry.
I cannot believe this.
We have to stop the Fish Sticks and I have no team.
And that's when I realized no matter how fast I run, I'll never outrun my greatest enemy, myself, because we run the same speed.
Whoo! That was really good.
- You guys get all that? - Nope.
And where have you guys been? Wait, let me guess.
Muscleman, you were shooting an episode to your show with Tim.
That's tomorrow.
Today I shot a dating show called Kiss, Marry, Kill.
I meet three girls, and then I pick which one to kiss, marry and kill.
You don't actually kill one of them, do you? I will admit I hadn't thought past the kiss, - but I will check with Lola.
- Joyce, this has to stop.
Surely, you don't think this is a good use of our time.
Prock, I'm sorry, but these shows are top priority for the department.
Sure, it seems unconventional, but when you really - step back and look at it - Lola gave you a show, didn't she? It's called She Da Boss and I play da boss.
Why does everyone care so much about being famous? Because my mother finally understands what I do.
Okay, you know what? This ends right now.
I don't care if we're in breach of some contract, we have real Prock, if you even think about interfering with this show or any of the other shows, a legal team will descend on this mountain so hard it will be little more than a pile of rubble.
I am not playing games here! But I will be playing games with Jane Lynch on Hollywood Game Night only on Hulu.
- It's also on NBC.
- Only on Hulu! - Impresario, did you use my conditioner? - Conditioner is a public good.
Once it's in the shower, anyone can use it.
Are you kidding me? This is only available - at the Body Shop outlet store.
- Oh, by the casino.
I'm going there tomorrow.
I can pick you up some.
Should I also get you another box of cheap hair dye? - Shut up, Gadget Gal.
- Ooh, good one.
You must've just been to the Witty Comeback Store.
If so, I hope you kept your receipt.
Hey, take it easy.
We don't talk to teammates like this.
Also, why is everyone drinking wine? For breakfast? Lola thinks wine brings out the best in people.
- Tim, you cannot drink wine.
- Ugh, I cannot handle all this drama.
- Looks like someone needs a nap.
- Ugh! - Oh! - Snap.
Are you kidding me? Stealing conditioner Wonderful.
Simply wonderful.
Sealer neutralized.
Inoculation of Dr.
Malocchio complete.
Well, that's it.
So Giuseppe, how do you feel? I feel I feel good! Good like no longer feeling like enslaving humanity kind of good? - 'Cause that's what we're going for.
- I do.
I feel like hugging people.
Or like baking an oven full of brownies for puppies.
With dog-friendly chocolate of course.
Let me bake brownies for puppies, please! That's what I'm talking about.
Welcome back, Dr.
M.
Let's celebrate with some champagne.
Yes.
It can even be that bathwater from California.
I don't care.
Being a lamp is hard work.
People turn you on.
People turn you off.
What about what I want? - Excuse me, Miss Lola? - What do you want? I just want you to know that I will do anything, and I mean anything, to get more air time on this show.
Oh, you want more screen time? Be less boring.
Be less boring.
I don't think you're hearing me.
Spice things up.
- Date a robot, punch a nun.
- Those don't feel quite right.
Ay-yi-yi.
You must have something interesting about you.
Drug problem? Prison? Any kids you don't know about? Come on, Frantic! Work with me here.
Hey, y'all.
Did I ever tell you guys I'm gay? Yee-haw! Gay! And that was the shock heard round the world when superhero Frantic heroically came out of the closet.
We are 43 hours in since the announcement, and we are turning now to social media.
What they're saying on Twitter, on Facebook, on Instagram.
And as you can see from our facial, emotional recognition software, when the team found out, opinions varied.
Shock, confusion, and nothing.
In our Kiss the Cook corner today, in all the craziness around Frantic's coming out, we asked gay chef Marcus DuBois - about gay people's favorite food.
- Seriously? Coming up next, America's favorite superhero reality TV - Guys, it's starting.
- will not be seen tonight.
Instead, it's Frantic and Friends! What the hell? What happened to our show? Yeah, now it's Frantic Show just because he says he's gay? If it's gonna be about one of us, it should be about me.
You? I should be the one to have a show.
I've got more style than all of you combined.
Not to mention sass.
What would your show be about, Impresario? Stealing conditioner and crying to your mom? That was one time because my hair was dry.
I told you that.
Calm down.
I have never seen you guys so angry.
Shut up.
Guys, please, cut it out.
What's gotten into them? Oh, it is on.
Hey, where you guys going? You can't just leave me now.
I'm gay.
See, I'm fun too.
Look at me.
Hm.
Maybe if I punch harder.
This is great.
This is great.
You guys getting this? Ha! Missed me, diaper man! Stop.
Okay, this doesn't make sense.
The team hasn't always gotten along perfectly, but they've never been this mad, but I'm not mad and I'm more irritable than any of them.
Because I'm immune to mind control, which means someone is making them angry through mind control.
But who would benefit from setting a group of people against each other? Of course! A reality show producer.
Start.
I think it's time I see your eyes.
You figured it out.
They call me the Aggravator.
I have the ability to incite mass irritation.
I used to get bank tellers to bicker while I robbed the vault, but then I realized there was more money in reality TV.
Well, the game is up.
- You're gonna stop me? - What makes you think I won't? I just think you'll have your hands full with them.
If you're too afraid to come to the Fish Sticks, the Fish Sticks will come to you.
Awesomes, let's bait the hook.
- Guys? - Here you go.
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
You like that, land creature? It's not personal, Prock.
I'm just a slave to ratings.
This Frantic gay thing will sustain us for awhile, but I always gotta be ready for what's next, and what's next is a reality show about how the Awesomes lost to a team of fish.
Help.
- Now! - I don't get it.
We kidnapped the mayor, we burned down the city, just so you guys would come fight us so we could be on your stupid TV show.
Wait, that's what this is about? You just wanted a show? - Uh, yes.
We are act-ors.
- Don't say it like that.
No one likes it when you say it like that.
- We cut off the mayor's toes.
- Well, that's disgusting.
We didn't really cut them off.
These are just baby carrots painted to look like toes.
- I also dabble in prop work.
- Guys, nothing would make me happier than you having your own show, but it's not my call.
Lola is the producer.
If you want your own show, catch her before she leaves.
I'll send the tapes right over.
It's a hit show, I'm telling you.
World's greatest superhero team sunk by fish villains.
It's your fault.
It's your fault we're not famous.
You think we're pathetic? You think we're corny? That we're a joke? Well, the jokes on you, because you are going to make a reality show about us.
As our prisoner, where 18 hours a day you will shoot our every move and then edit it, keeping the pace up while still respecting our comedic timing.
Not if I don't set you against one another first.
We are act-ors.
Sorry, actors.
- We're already set against one another.
- It's called the audition process.
If you want our help, just release my team from your hypnosis.
- Ah.
- Oh.
Huh? Sorry, Fish Sticks, but it looks like Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Well, I did not think that through.
Well, the final tests are in, and you are officially good.
Can I borrow your phone? I need to text a donation to the earthquake victims in New Zealand.
Come on, don't you know the phone companies take 90 percent? - I guess being good is gonna have a learning curve.
- Don't worry, you'll get it.
Let me get you a towel so you can take your - first shower in four months.
- Five months.
What about when I gave you that sponge bath? Oh, right.
Yes, I am good.
Good and ready to take my revenge.
The fool.
It will take a lot more than a chemistry set and some dead pandas to turn this gunslinger around.
Evil runs through these veins.
And now it is back to Earth and a new beginning of my ascent to world domination! Eh, why aren't we moving? How did you know? You screamed "evil runs through these veins.
" - Oh.
- Still wanna make brownies for puppies? Fine, but not enough for all the puppies.
That's right, I'm looking at you, buddy.
No sign of the Fish Sticks or the Aggravator.
So strange that they would just disappear.
You okay, boss man? Those Fish Sticks hit you a lot of times.
I'm okay, but Frantic, listen.
I've gotta tell you, I know you enjoy being famous, but pretending to be gay just to get attention, it's pretty disappointing.
What do you mean "pretending"? I am gay.
- You are? - Sure, everybody knows that.
- They do? - Yes! - I don't call him chorus boy because he can sing.
I call him chorus boy - because it's offensive.
- Oh, you know what it might be? I don't really listen when you're talking.
Haven't you ever noticed my boyfriend Stephen - always coming over? - Hey.
- Frantic, I am so sorry.
- It's all good.
It's always all good.
Stephen! Check it out, check it out! This is the new gay Frantic action figure.
- How can you tell it's gay? - You can't.
Because at the end of the day, aren't we all the same? And it also comes with extra shoes and says "I'm totally gay.
Hey!" - That is so offensive.
- You don't like it? I love it.
I am totally gay.
Hey.
- Perfect Man, you can come out now.
- I'm not gay.
- I meant out from under the lampshade.
- Hm, I think I like it in here.
You.
You rescued me.
Why? I think someone with your power could be very useful to us.
Perhaps you'd like to take your show to another network? What are we talking about? It's a metaphor, lady.
We want you to join our evil team.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Yes.
And, oh, "asino.
" - What's "asino"? - Italian for donkey.
I told you, English words only.
[bleep.]
you.
How am I supposed to know that you're high If you won't let me touch you? How am I supposed to know that you're high If you won't even dance? How am I supposed to know that you're high If you won't even dance? Yeah, you won't even dance