The Beverly Hillbillies (1962) s02e05 Episode Script

Come and listen to my story about a man named Jed A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed And then one day, he was shooting at some food And up through the ground come a-bubbling crude Oil, that is Black gold Texas tea Well, the first thing you know, old Jed's a millionaire The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from there" Said, "Californy is the place you ought to be" So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly Hills, that is Swimming pools, movie stars.
Oh good, good, you's both here.
I want to have a family confab.
Where's Elly? She's out back with her critters.
Elly May! Yeah, Pa? Come on in here, gonna have a family confab.
Now, as you all know, poor Widow Fenwick and her young'un is comin' to spend the day, and we all got a lots to do.
The Fenwicks Now hold it, hold it.
You don't have to start doin' right away.
I'd like to say a few words first.
Now, uh, let's commence with the vittles.
Hold it.
Hold it, hold it.
Granny, Granny, I mean the, I mean the vittles for the Fenwicks.
What you got planned? Oh, uh, possum stew, grits and jowls, some corn pone and some pickled crawdads.
Mm-hmm sounds a little rich for folks that's ain't ate for awhile.
Well, maybe you're right, Jed.
To get the wrinkles out of their belly, I'll start 'em off with some nice hot owl soup.
Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! That'll be fine.
Now, Elly, you and Jethro delivered them that box of clothes, right? That's right, Pa.
I never knowed there were so many needy folks in Beverly Hills.
Me neither.
But, by doggies, you got to admire that Widow Fenwick.
She's poor but proud.
Jethro and Elly tells me that right across the front of this little house of her'n she's got writ big as life "Fenwick House.
" Cynthia, I have not refused to visit the Clampetts.
It's just that I can't bring myself to wear those dreadful clothes.
They are not dreadful.
They are the very latest fashion, introduced at The Willows Finishing School by Miss Elly May Clampett herself.
Don't you understand, Mummy? The latest thing is to look basic and understated.
It has something to do with Zen.
But they just don't look right.
Mummy, when a girl as rich as Elly May Clampett wears something, it's got to be right.
Now, come on, let's not be the last millionaires in Beverly Hills to get the new look The "Clampett look.
" Where's everybody going in such a hurry? We's gonna help Jethro load furniture to take over to the Fenwicks'.
Well, now, hold up on loading that truck again.
How do we know that the Fenwicks going to need all this stuff? Like I told you, Uncle Jed, they need just about everything.
Well, how do we know their place is going to hold it all? Let's go over there and take a look.
Yeah.
I'd like to see the widow's place.
Well, now, Granny, I think the womenfolks better stay here, in case they get here while we're gone.
How about you menfolks staying? You womenfolks don't know how to drive the truck.
Maybe I can.
I ain't never tried.
Crank her up, Jethro.
Help your granny down.
Aw We'll be back directly.
The widow's liable to be right stove up when she gets here, walking all the way.
Don't worry, Jed.
One slug of my rheumatiz medicine, and she'll be as good as new.
Granny, can your rheumatiz medicine sure enough cure rheumatiz? I didn't say it can cure rheumatiz, Elly, but it can sure make having it a pure pleasure.
Now, we don't want to embarrass them, Jethro, so if they're still at home, we'll right quick drive by.
Don't look like nobody's home, Uncle Jed.
Well, come on.
Let's take a look around.
They found the box of clothes, Uncle Jed.
Right here's where Elly and me left 'em.
Jethro, I seen places with little or nothing in 'em, but this is pitiful.
Not a chair to set on.
Nor a bed neither.
They ain't got a wash bowl, or a pitcher to fill it with water, or a window big enough to throw it out of.
Hey, Uncle Jed, we going bring them some stuff? No, Jethro, you couldn't squeeze enough stuff in this place to make it fit for two women to live in.
Well, then what are we going to do? We gotta get them to move into our place.
It ain't going to be easy, the widow being such a prideful woman, but it just ain't right for us to have so much stuff, and to let them live here in a place like this.
Now, there is something I just can't understand.
How can folks live in a big fine house like that and let a poor, starving widow and her young'un live in a place like this right outside their gate? Uncle Jed, let's go up and give them what for.
Uh, it ain't for us to speak judgment on 'em.
Maybe the spirit of love will take hold, like it did Mrs.
Drysdale.
The Clampetts are moving, tra-la, tra-la The Clampetts are moving, hurrah, hurrah And I am so happy, ha-ha, ha-ha Ooh.
Howdy, Mrs.
Drysdale.
Splendid! You came back for another load.
Let me help.
Well, now, hold on.
We decided not to move these things.
Why not? Well, we're hoping that the Fenwicks will move in and use 'em here.
The Fenwicks? Mrs.
Radnor Fenwick? Uh, yes, ma'am You know, the widow with the skinny daughter name of Cynthy.
They are moving into this house? Well, we're hoping they will.
But this is marvelous.
I've been trying for years to meet Mrs.
Radnor Fenwick, and now she's going to be my next-door neighbor.
Well, it ain't for certain yet.
Have you engaged a real estate agent to help you sell them on the place? No, ma'am, we were just kind of figuring on talking 'em into it when they come over.
I'll help you.
I'll dash home and change and come back and help you.
See what I mean, Jethro? The spirit of love has put wings on her feet.
I'll say, Uncle Jed.
Just look at her go over that hedge.
Oh, really, Mummy, in that mink, you look just like any other common, ordinary, everyday millionaire.
Now take it off.
No, no, Cynthia, I can't, I just can't.
Well, you must.
I just can't.
Mummy, if anyone were actually to see you, I would die of mortification.
Mummy, I thought I told you, no jewelry.
No, no, Cynthia, I feel positively nude without diamonds.
We are trying to achieve the Clampett look, a look of studied slovenliness.
Oh, Cynthia.
Beasley, our purses, please.
No, no, no, Cynthia, not those buckets.
Don't be silly, Mummy.
Yesterday, Elly May Clampett carried one to school, and the effect was devastating.
Oh, dear, if your father could see us now, he'd just turn over in his mausoleum.
Beasley, get the Rolls out of sight, quickly.
We'll call you if we need you.
Yes, Beasley, park it close by.
Yes, I'll phone you to the front seat number.
Very good, madam.
Oh, Mummy, look at that.
Yes.
Disgraceful, isn't it? Disgraceful?! It's fabulous! Unbelievably understated.
It's probably the only purely existentialist car in Beverly Hills.
We must have it copied.
But, Cynthia, we've used nothing but Rolls for decades.
Oh, Mummy, this is progress, don't you understand? Frankly, no.
I seem to have lost all sense of values.
It's like a nightmare.
Well, here, come sit down and pull yourself together before we meet them.
Oh, it's just all so confusing.
I just know this never could've happened if Coolidge were still in the White House.
Pa, don't you want me to set the table in the fancy eatin' room? I reckon not, Elly.
We got to be special careful not to put on airs around the poor widow.
Let's eat in the kitchen, family-style, like we always have.
Well, that's a good idea.
If we want the Fenwicks to move in here with us, we got to make 'em feel like they's family.
Jed, is the Fenwicks moving in with us lock, stock and barrel? Granny, the Fenwicks ain't got a lock, stock and barrel to move in with.
Right, Elly? That's right, Pa.
Not even a rain barrel.
They ain't even got a pump.
They ain't got a place to wash at all.
Well, the best thing to do when they get here is to stick 'em in the tub and scrub 'em down.
Granny, I don't think they'd take to that right off.
Hey, Elly May.
Come on, Elly, let's go swimmin'.
What's the matter with you? We's got company comin'.
Aw, Granny, I'm hot and tired.
You get into some decent clothes.
Now, hold on, Granny.
I think maybe Jethro has solved our problem.
You see there, Granny? I solved your problem.
What problem, Uncle Jed? Getting the Fenwicks scrubbed without shaming 'em none.
You mean I should do it? Naw, you just go for a swim in the cement pond and take along a cake of your granny's lye soap and a nice, stiff brush.
Elly May, when the widow and her young'un get over here, you invite 'em down to the cement pond for a swim.
Okay, Pa.
When they get down to the pond, Jethro, you commence to soapin' and a-scrubbin' and a-splashin', and they'll get the idea.
By dingies, that's a first-rate notion.
Well, thank you, Granny.
There goes that spooky music coming out of the walls again.
Sure is pretty.
Yeah, I hope it keeps playing till the widow gets here It might cheer her up.
Well, someone best open the door, 'cause soon as that music starts to play, someone's gonna come a-knockin' at the door.
Yeah, I noticed that.
Take a look outside, Elly.
And you get your nakedness out of sight.
I can't.
I just can't go through with it.
Mummy! Mummy! Mummy, please, you can do it.
Come on, I'll help you.
They's comin', but that poor old widow can't hardly make it.
I'll get my jug.
Is they wearin' the clothes you bring 'em? Yeah, Pa, and totin' buckets.
To carry home leftovers, Lord love 'em.
Let's go give 'em a helping hand.
Howdy there, Cynthia.
This here's my pa and I reckon this is your ma.
Welcome! Welcome! Well, dogged if you ain't plumb tuckered, Widow Fenwick.
But don't you worry, Granny will fix that.
Granny, this here's Cynthia Fenwick and her ma.
Howdy, folks.
Take their buckets out to the kitchen, Elly.
Yes sir, Pa.
See ya in a little bit, Cynthy.
Thank you, darling.
Toodle-oo.
Elly May, be sure they're scoured good and don't leak.
I'll do it, Granny.
Here, Widow, this'll brace you up.
Oh, thank you.
Orange pekoe? No, white lightnin'.
Oh, uh, I'm not familiar with the blend, but tea is tea.
That got her to breathing deep! Here, Mummy, have a cigarette, darling.
Oh, I wouldn't light a flame so close to your ma just yet.
You just might set her off.
Come on, Widow, let's go to the kitchen.
I'll give you a nice hot bowl of owl soup.
Owl soup? Oh, Cynthia, please send for the Rolls.
No, Mummy.
She's right, Widow.
You don't need no rolls.
Granny's baked some corn pone.
Oh! You're gonna eat my corn pone.
Come on, Widow Oh, Cynthia, please help me! Mr.
Clampett, if I might be alone with Mummy for just a few moments, I think I shall be able to compose her.
Okay, Cynthy, just follow your nose to the kitchen.
Yeah, the grits and jowls will lead you right to the door.
Good gab, Widow.
Cynthia, did she say "grits and jowls"? Yes, Mummy, doubtless the maid and the butler.
Now, come, do get a grip on yourself.
Oh oh, yes Mummy, think of all the trouble the Clampetts have taken to achieve a total look.
The truck, those clothes, their speech.
Why, they even weave.
You'd weave too, if you ever drank their tea.
We must try to emulate them.
Really.
They'll never sell this house to the Fenwicks.
We can practice on the cleaning woman.
Howdy, there.
Are you Grits? I beg your pardon? Oh, uh we-all is lookin' fer Grits and Jowls.
Well, you'll find them in the kitchen.
And please stay there, out of sight.
Now, see here, fool We'uns is friends of the Clampetts.
Obviously.
And the sooner you're all out of Beverly Hills, the better.
Meantime, stay out of sight in the kitchen.
That is the surliest cleaning woman I've ever seen.
See, Mummy, even the Clampetts have a servant problem.
Yes, for the first time, I'm beginning to feel a common bond with them.
We're both members of an oppressed minority group: millionaires.
Ain't the Fenwicks sniffed their way to the kitchen yet? Well, not yet, Pa.
Should I go and find 'em? Let's have a little confab first.
Now Jethro is getting powerful hungry paddling around in the cement pond with that brush and soap.
Elly, you hinted to the widow and Cynthia about going swimming? Well, ain't had a chance, Pa.
They must be nigh on to starving.
Granny, can we skip the washing and go right to eatin'? Jed, from what you tell me about the way they've been living, I'd feel much better if they were washed down good before they set at my table.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
They didn't look bad, but you never can tell.
Oh, there you are.
We're still looking for Grits and Jowls.
Oh, we'll get to them directly.
Elly.
Oh, Cynthy, I bet you and your ma would like to go swimmin', huh? I wouldn't No, neither would I.
We got a dandy pond all made out of cement.
Nice clean water in it, too.
And plenty of room to splash around and work up a good lather.
No, thank you.
No, I'll pass, too.
Maybe they'd just like to look at the pond.
Show 'em, Elly.
Okay, Pa Oh, no, no, no.
We're not interested.
We didn't even bring suits.
Well, I got one that'll fit you.
And I'll try and find one for you, Widow.
Baste my possum, Jed.
Yeah, now come on, ladies.
The pond's right out here.
Come on, here you go.
It's right over there to the right.
That's peculiar behavior.
Why do you suppose they're so insistent that we come out? Mummy, looky there.
Magnificent! What a specimen of manhood.
Who do you suppose he is? Let's find out.
Mr.
Clampett! Oh, Mr.
Clampett! Who is that Adonis by the side of the pool? Adonis? That magnificent creature with the rippling biceps.
Let's take a look, ma'am.
That's why they wanted us to see the pool.
They're going to attempt a little matchmaking.
Oh, I hope so.
That there is Duke.
Duke? He has a title? Yeah, Duke.
Duke of what? Where's he from? Well, he was born in Oxford.
He's been with us since he was a little feller.
Then he's the Duke of Oxford.
Yeah, I reckon so.
We just call him Duke.
He hasn't got a wife, has he? Well, he's had his share of lady friends, but nobody right at the moment.
Cynthy, I sure do hope you change your mind about going swimming.
Oh, I have.
I have! Oh, Cynthy, you seem right fond of Duke.
If you want him to like you, just tickle him behind the ear.
He just loves that, Cynthy.
And when he lays over on his back, scratch his belly.
Well, don't stand there, get scratching.
Show her where to change, Elly.
Okay, Pa.
Mr.
Clampett, I imagine that Cynthia and I do appear a bit eager.
But I want you to know that my daughter is worthy of royalty.
We Fenwicks are a very, very old family.
Oh, now, Widow, don't talk like that.
There's many a good tune left in an old fiddle.
Widow, here's a brand-new swimming suit.
Never been wore before.
It was give to Jed here for a wedding present.
Remember, Jed? Eh too big! Wouldn't be enough left sticking out to wash.
Wash? We'll make do.
You better leave the room, Jed.
Come on out to the laundry tub, Widow, and peel your shirt off.
Cut it out, Elly! Oh, excuse me.
Howdy, ma'am.
Your Grace.
Yours, too.
Permit me to present myself to you.
Well, thank you very kindly, but I don't think my Uncle Jed would let me keep you.
Oh, Your Grace.
Yours, too.
Uh, I am Cynthia Fenwick.
Oh, hey, is your ma coming? No, we are quite alone.
Uh, well, shall we go in the water? No, I'd rather not.
Well, uh, then why don't you just sit here and you can watch me.
Your Grace.
Yours, too.
Now watch here.
Are you watching, Cynthy? Oh, yes, yes, I am.
All right now, here we go.
You get the idea? Well, it looks as if you are taking a bath.
That's right.
Come on in.
Your Grace.
Yours, too.
Mobile operator.
Give me JL1-3411.
No, no, make that 1-2.
I want the front seat.
I thought I told you to stay out of sight in the kitchen? Now look here, I have taken all the abuse I intend to take in this house.
Clampett look or no Clampett look, Duke or no Duke, I refuse to Oh, Beasley, come quickly, please.
This is Missus Now you get out of here! And take that other antique with you.
I refuse to take orders from a poorly dressed, ill-mannered, overweight, cleaning woman.
Why, you loutish hillbilly.
I am Mrs.
Milburn Drysdale.
And what does that mean? It means that I am a pillar of society.
You were a pillar.
I am cutting you down to a stump.
Don't you dare pull a knife on me! The only thing I'm going to pull on you is your hair! Well, Jethro, Granny said she had trouble scrubbing the widow.
How'd you do with the daughter? I tried, Uncle Jed.
But that girl ain't washed in so long, I couldn't sell her on the idea.
Granny said the widow bucked like a mule, too, and then she busted loose and run.
Can we eat now? Yeah, Jethro, scoot up the back way and get some clothes on.
Hey, you know something, Uncle Jed? That skinny little rascal All she wanted to do was tickle me behind the ear and scratch my belly.
Hmm.
Pa, Pa, come quick! Mrs.
Drysdale and the Widow Fenwick is having a real catfight in the front hall! Ooh! Let me up, you female wrestler.
I'll have you drummed out of Beverly Hills.
Aah! Now you caught her.
Hold her right there.
Now I'm gonna finish the job, Widow Fenwick.
Did you call her Fenwick? I did.
Here now, get off that poor starving Mrs.
Fenwick.
You all right, Widow? You all right? Oh, I have never been less all right in my entire life.
Mummy, Beasley's here.
What's the matter? Ask no questions, just flee for your life.
Uncle Jed, can we please eat now? Not me and you, Jethro.
A fella named Beasley just grabbed the widow and her young'un and made off with 'em.
Come on, we got to catch 'em.
They turned right in there, Uncle Jed.
Now the gates are closed.
Well, I'll be doggone! That Beasley fella's the one that lives in that big mansion.
And he's taking the widow and Cynthy into his house.
Bowing and scraping to 'em, too.
Uncle Jed, you was right about not speaking judgment on that rich fella.
Yeah, it looks like the spirit of love sure took ahold of him all right.
Come on, Jethro, let's go home and have some possum.
Well, now its time to say good-bye To Jed and all his kin And they would like to thank you folks For kindly droppin' in You're all invited back next week to this locality To have a heapin' helpin' of their hospitality.
Hillbilly, that is.
Set a spell.
Take your shoes off.
Y'all come back now, 'hear? This has been a Filmways Presentation.