The Carmichael Show (2015) s02e05 Episode Script

1 The Carmichael Show is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Wow, Nekeisha.
This place looks a lot different from when Bobby used to live here.
Yes, hot pink and animal print.
Oh, you're making a lot of bold choices in here.
This looks like the front room where you pay to get in the strip club.
Joe! I need to explain something; I've been to strip clubs.
Man, I am excited about moving back in here.
You know, giving our relationship another shot.
But-but this time, it's not a real relationship at all.
It's just two platonic friends, uh, sharing the rent and a bathroom and sexual tension.
There will be no sexual tension, Bobby.
See, there it is.
Okay, Joe, so how many strip clubs are we talking about? I can't believe I remember something trivial like that.
That's like me asking you how many Burlington Coat Factories you been to.
Seven.
I've been to seven Burlington Coat Factories, Joe.
Thirty-two.
Look at you.
You're moving out of Mom and Dad's, and that's amazing.
And you're moving back in with your ex-wife, and that's amazing.
Uh, Nekeisha, is this ottoman - okay to sit on? - Uh, that's not a ottoman.
That is just one of my sweaters thrown over some shoeboxes, but you can sit on it.
Oh.
I'll just stand.
Thank you so much for having us.
Nekeisha, you expecting somebody? Nekeisha Williams.
I know you're home.
- Shh.
Everybody shut up.
- Open up.
Are we in danger? Nekeisha, who's at the door? - No one.
- Who wants to play a game? Ooh, ooh, I got a game.
It's called, uh, who the hell is at the door, Nekeisha? I got a game.
Let's play Follow the Leader.
Out the window, down the fire escape.
Line up fastest to slowest.
Well, how do we know who's fastest? See you in the car, Joe! What is going on here, Nekeisha? Open the door or I'm coming in.
Nekeisha, I need you to be honest with me.
Do you have cocaine in this apartment? You cannot come in here.
That is illegal to come into somebody's apartment without their permission.
No, it's illegal for you not to pay your rent for three months.
We've already given you your final eviction notice.
We've been through this before.
Don't act surprised.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Evicted? I just moved all my stuff in here.
Then you can act surprised.
And I told you, no pets.
Can you believe that guy? Kicking me out of my own home.
Shoot, you? He kicked both of us out.
Look, Nekeisha, of course he kicked you out.
He said you hadn't paid your rent in three months.
I mean, what did you expect to happen? I thought he had to hand me the eviction notice in person, so I just kept trying to avoid him.
How did you get so far behind? They kept doubling my rent.
Ever since that Whole Foods moved in around the corner, I don't know what it is, but there's something about cold-pressed juice that make people feel safe.
It's been a rough day.
I'm just gonna unbutton my pants and lay down.
Excuse me.
You know, there's a term for what's going on with Nekeisha.
Poverty? Or a bad attitude? You know, she's kind of like if a TSA agent and a postal worker had a baby.
What? No, no.
You know, it's no coincidence that a Whole Foods moved in and Nekeisha is getting pushed out.
It's called gentrification, and she's a victim.
She's a victim? She's unbuttoning her pants in our bed right now.
I think we're the victims.
Gentrification.
I've heard Spike Lee say that word on CNN every 25 minutes.
Yeah, that's one of those long words I was told to be afraid of.
Gentrification, hypertension, refinance I know I'm missing a word, but y'all get the point.
Yeah.
Well, Dad, let me explain what gentrification is.
You see, gentrification is a beautiful thing where Mesothelioma! I knew I was missing a word.
Carry on.
Well, gentrification is essentially when developers look at a neighborhood the way Richard Gere looked at Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.
You know, you see past all the flaws of the past.
You see a perfect spot for a Starbucks or an Ethiopian restaurant run by non-Ethiopians.
So you're saying gentrification is like when rich people say to a neighborhood, "I can change you.
" And the neighborhood is like, "Good, because I want to leave this dirty prostitution life behind.
" And-and the rich people are like, "Well, I'm gonna give you a bunch of money.
"Go clean yourself up so you don't embarrass me in front of my classy friends.
" Yes, yes.
That's exactly what it is, Ma.
It's when really nice rich people give a bad neighborhood a new beginning.
What? That is such a glorified view of gentrification.
Well, what is it, then? And can you use a movie example? Well, I don't have a movie example, but I can just tell you what it means, - if that works.
- Well, I suppose, but just know I'm gonna be thinking of a movie example the whole time.
Look, gentrification is when developers see an opportunity to make money off of a low-income community.
You know, they buy up a bunch of property for cheap, and then they build high-end apartment complexes and restaurants and stores, and that attracts wealthy new residents, and then that drives property values up until people are forced out.
Now, I know you're trying to say something negative, but everything you saying so far sounds good to me.
I mean, you're basically just describing how to win at Monopoly.
Look here.
Those people you pushing out got names, like Nekeisha and Bobby.
And those buildings you're talking about is like this one right here.
Bobby's got a point.
You and Jerrod are living in this newly-renovated apartment just minutes from Nekeisha's.
And just the other day, you all were going on and on about the fancy ice cream parlor that just moved into your neighborhood.
It's actually a Japanese shaved ice shop.
You're not helping your case, Maxine.
It sounds to me like the two of you are the gentrifiers.
What? No, no.
Jerrod and I are not those people.
Well, of course we are, Maxine.
I mean, think about it.
Our street's shut down every Sunday for a farmer's market.
You know your spin class instructor by name.
Sometimes we take jogs around the neighborhood just to appreciate all the murals around here.
You know, a mural on the side of a warehouse is the official flag of gentrification.
Yeah, but I have a social conscience.
I mean, I support local business.
I give my leftovers to homeless people, even if I know I'm gonna want them later.
Well, a lot of those people are friends of mine that's being pushed out for you and your farmer's markets.
How come everything around here got avocado in it now? Bobby, please.
Quit acting like this neighborhood used to be amazing.
I mean, when you first moved in, you were afraid to go out at night.
I mean, buildings were falling apart, drugs were everywhere.
If anything, I'd say people like me made this neighborhood better.
How? By kicking people like me out of it? You sound real arrogant right now, man.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Okay, you guys, come on.
- I mean, this is complicated.
- No, no, it's simple, Maxine.
Jerrod gentrified me and Nekeisha out our own neighborhood.
And now I got to move back in with Mom and Dad.
You're blaming me for this, Bobby? You were living with Mom and Dad this morning.
It's really not that big of a move, man.
I can't believe you gentrified a member of your own family.
You two are brothers! Now, listen.
I always did get a Cain and Abel vibe from you two boys.
But I was never sure which one was Cain.
But now it's obvious.
Bobby, watch your back, because Cain was the skinny one in the Bible, too.
Ma, you have no idea what Cain looked like; he was literally the third person on Earth.
I can make a guesstimate.
I don't know why I'm the one that has to defend themselves here.
Aren't you supposed to be proud of the son who has a nice place to live, who has a good job and a hot girlfriend to come home to? I also realize you're smart, but I'm making a point here, Maxine.
Okay, wait.
So I'm the loser son they should be ashamed of? Wait a minute, you calling me the Jeb Bush of this family? No, Jeb Bush was a governor, Bobby.
You got fired from Arby's.
That was a conspiracy.
I saw a lot of things I wasn't supposed to see.
Look at you.
You're always making excuses, man.
Excuses? Oh, you mean like, uh, lack of jobs, lack of opportunity, a system that's set up to keep us down? Those are real.
You used to know that.
But I guess you forgot where you came from.
How in the hell could I forget where I came from when everybody I grew up with is in my apartment right now? Bobby, people get knocked down all the time, but they get back up and they dust themselves off.
But no, not you.
You just lie there on the ground and complain about how bumpy it is.
Wow.
That's what you really think of me? You know something, man? Let me get out of here, man, go lay on the lumpy ground.
Jerrod, you apologize right now.
Before he actually go out there and lay down on the ground! I'm not going to apologize because I didn't do anything.
It's hard to get any rest with all this arguing going on.
But I guess it's for the best, 'cause I got to find a place to stay tonight.
You can stay here.
Maxine, what are you doing? Well, look, I need to help her, Jerrod.
Last week, I had shaved ice with my spin instructor.
I'm in too deep.
Nekeisha, you are welcome to stay here as long as you need, until you figure things out.
Seriously? That is so nice of you.
Uh, but just a heads-up.
I like to start my morning off with a hit of weed, so how sensitive are your smoke detectors? Very.
Cool.
I'll take the batteries out before I smoke.
What are you doing up so early? Couldn't sleep.
I was up all night texting Bobby, but he won't text me back.
Well, maybe because it was the middle of the night and he hasn't gotten them yet.
Oh, no, he got them.
I keep seeing those three dots, like he's gonna say something, but then he doesn't.
And it happened, like, ten times.
And look.
He posted this on Instagram.
Aw, he looks so sad.
"That moment you realize when you're all alone in this world.
" He needs to stop acting like a victim.
He needs to stop letting life happen to him and start living it.
You know, I just want him to know that I think he could do anything if he just believed in himself.
But why didn't you just tell him that? Say something nice to my brother? You're such an only child, Maxine.
My bad! Ooh, I hope that didn't wake you up! I promise you, letting Nekeisha stay here is gonna get old really soon.
You're better off just feeling guilty, Maxine.
No, it's too much.
Last night, I dreamt that some poor mother and her kids got kicked out of this place just so we could move in.
Oh, we got nothing to worry about.
No families lived in this place before we moved in.
- Thank God.
- Yeah.
This building used to be a nursing home for people on Medicaid.
Yeah, if those people had families, they wouldn't have been stuck here.
Girl! Does she have people over this early in the morning? Really? You're surprised Nekeisha isn't an amazing houseguest? Shh.
Girl, don't tell me you feeling the pressure from the establishment to vote your gender.
Look, in theory, my policies do align with the Democratic Socialist Party.
- Mm-hmm.
- And I do want to "Feel the Bern.
" But I have to hold it down for my ladies.
What is this, The Tavis Smiley Show? Who are you? Who am I? I'm the person who owns this place.
Oh, okay.
Well, then, I'll make sure to get the grand tour.
Is it just this room and another little room in the back? Done.
Did I do something to you? Vanessa, that's Jerrod and Maxine.
Maxine, Jerrod, this is my girl Vanessa.
Hi.
So what are you guys doing? Braiding hair.
Huh.
Cool, cool.
Um, about how long is that gonna take? Shouldn't be more than six hours or so.
Cool, cool.
Um, you know what, Maxine? I'm just gonna go back to bed.
Um does anybody else see a little girl standing here, or is it just me? That's Susie.
Okay, well Hey, little Susie.
How are you feeling? She don't talk.
Not since the fire.
Uh did you start the fire? Well, tell her to stop staring at me.
Jerrod, one of the rules while you living with me is that you have to respect my guests, 'cause they are an extension of Nekeisha.
Oh, my God, why is there a pile of hair on my cutting board? Oh, that is also an extension of Nekeisha.
Is Bobby here? Well, if it isn't Cain checking on his dead brother Abel.
Did you see your brother's Instagram? It's dark, Jerrod.
Yeah, he's being very dramatic.
I just wanted to tell him that he could do anything if he just put his mind to it.
Well, why didn't you just say that? I did say that.
Just more aggressive, 'cause I was trying to prove a point.
And, you know, the way you two coddle him may not be helping.
Lower your voice.
You know, Bobby's still sleeping.
It's 11:30, Ma.
You ever think that maybe removing his safety net may inspire him to do more? Well, everybody doesn't respond to tough love.
I yell at you, you rise to the occasion.
I yell at Bobby, he dies to the occasion.
That's not your first time saying that, is it, Dad? Well, I been tossing it around.
You know, when you were little and I tried to coddle you, you said, "Affection is for the weak.
" That was your first complete sentence.
Just because Bobby doesn't have your strength, that doesn't mean he doesn't have any strengths at all.
He keeps his room tidy.
He folds up all of his clothes very neatly.
I told him if he keeps working hard, he can get a job at Old Navy.
He was dealt a bad hand in life.
How were we dealt different hands? His room was, like, ten feet across from mine.
But your room had a heating vent.
And I stopped smoking right before you were born.
That makes a difference, I hear.
Have you thought about it like this? What if you removed his crutch? Like, what would happen if you kicked Bobby out of the house? Kick me out? Jerrod, you already got me kicked out of one neighborhood.
Now you're trying to get me kicked out another one? - Bobby? - Bobby? Bobby? Bobby! Man, save it! You're not better than me, Jerrod.
I never said I was, man.
Look, no one needs to worry about Bobby Carmichael, 'cause Bobby Carmichael about to set the world on fire.
But no thanks to any of you.
Well, except Mom and Dad.
Go get 'em, son! We love you! There's bees outside.
I got to leave out the back.
And I don't want the world to see me 'Cause I don't think that they'd understand When everything's made to be broken Okay, this has gone on long enough.
Okay, good.
I'm gonna go kick Nekeisha out.
No, no, no, Jerrod.
Let me handle this.
I want her to know that she can do more with her life, too, but I want to present it in a more inspirational way.
- Oh, inspirational.
- Cool, it'll be fun.
It's like watching Dangerous Minds, but look.
Here's a tip.
If she starts pulling your hair, just go limp until it's all over.
Damn, I like the acoustics in there.
Everything about this apartment is perfect.
It used to be.
So, have you started looking for a new place to live yet? I searched on Craigslist, but everything in the area is just out of my price range.
Have you been on there lately? It got creepy.
It's nothing but guys looking to bang other guys while their wives are at work.
You know, if you want a nice place of your own, you can have one; you just need to have a plan.
Okay, well, what's my plan? Well, that's the part that you are supposed to figure out.
Um, what What do you want to do in life? Live in an apartment.
Uh, okay, more specifically, what are you good at? I can tell when a conversation is organically over.
How you feeling about this one? It's close.
Look, you are really great at doing hair.
That's a great career.
Oh, no, see, Vanessa doesn't pay me for that.
I just hooked her up 'cause she's my girl.
But you know you can get good money for that.
All you have to do is take a cosmetology course, and you get your license.
And how much does that cost? Uh, I don't know.
Like, a few thousand dollars.
"A few thousand dollars"? I thought I was trying to make money.
That sounds counterintuitive.
Well, you can take out a loan.
You know, you think of it as an investment in yourself.
So, Maxine, you want me to borrow money to pay somebody to teach me what I'm already good at, so I can find a job to pay back the money with interest? You've got a week on our couch, and then you're out.
I got us an apartment! - Ooh, you did? - Thank God! Because Maxine is trying to get me to start meeting my potential, and it sounded exhausting.
That's great, Bobby.
Where? Same place we was at before.
You got our apartment back? I marched back into that landlord's office and accused him of being a slumlord, and I said he was doing discriminatory practices.
And then I threatened to take it to the housing authority.
- And that worked? - No, it did not.
But as I was leaving, I saw some police tape on the door, right? And I'm like, "Uh, what happened in there?" He was like, "A murder.
" I said, "What? You'll never be able to rent that place out.
I'll take it.
" So, what, you got cheaper rent because there was a murder? Even better, it's free.
Look, I was willing to clean up the aftermath, which come to find out is the job of the building super.
The landlord was like, "Man, I'm tired of cleaning up crime scenes.
" I was like, "Not me.
" So now I got a job.
Dang, Bobby, you living the American dream.
Nah, baby, we both living the dream.
See, Jerrod, it took you years to get a nice place, a good job and a girl to come home to.
Took me all of 20 minutes.
That's right.
Bobby's on the rise, and I'm coming for you.
And soon as you know it, I'm gonna be gentrifying your ass up out of here! Now, Nekeisha, let's storm out.
Oh, storming out is the only way I know how to leave a room.
Well, that was a little aggressive.
No, are you kidding me? I've actually never been more proud of him.
Actually I've never been more proud of me.
I hurt my brother's feelings so bad, it inspired him to make his life better.
I'm a hero.
Hey, you want to go make love to a hero? You're messing my torque up.
Bobby, there's no torque involved; we're lifting a couch.
You're throwing off my equilibrium.
Okay, now you're just using physics words.
Damn, y'all wouldn't last a second in the workforce.
I mean, the real workforce.
Not none of that white collar stuff you do.
I like to live by the motto "Work smarter, not harder.
" Well, good luck with that.
We gonna see how that serves you once they invade.
What-what are you talking about? Once who invades? Oh, you'll see.
You'll see once they arrive.
But by then, it's gonna be too late.
You know, he keeps saying stuff like that, and I'm starting to think he knows something.
Well, look at this place.
Just look at it.
Look at this! Will you just look? I'm sorry, this looks just like the last place y'all lived in.
Nasty.
Just nasty! Are these bullet holes? If I put a frame around it, actually it'll be a modern art piece with a powerful message about Ferguson.
What's up? Yep, I'm the new super.
Well, can you describe the rat? Okay, how big is it? Like a golf-ball big or a basketball big? Ooh.
You got a bucket and some string? Perfect, I'll be right up.