The Cosby Show s02e05 Episode Script

DADDY, SUZANNE'S COMING TODAY! THE GIRL FROM YOUR CLASS.
YOU'RE IN YOUR PAJAMAS.
YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO OBSERVE EVERYDAY ACTIVITIES.
YOU'RE WEARING THIS? TODAY'S SATURDAY.
YOU'RE LUCKY I HAVE ON ANYTHING.
DADDY, PLEASE? I'LL PUT ON SOMETHING PRESENTABLE.
HIYA.
BY-YA.
YOU CAN'T GO! WHY NOT? MY SCHOOL PROJECT.
ON SATURDAYS, I DON'T HAVE TO THINK.
NOW, THAT IS NORMAL! WE'RE DOING A REPORT ON THE LIFESTYLES OF A LARGE FAMILY.
SAY YOU HAVE NO BROTHER! DADDY I'LL SAY I HAVE NO SON.
COME ON! THANKS, DAD.
SON-- THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT TO YOUR SISTER.
LIKE THE TIME I HELPED YOU WITH HISTORY.
OKAY-- I'LL STAY! ( DOORBELL RINGS ) THAT'S HER! GO GET DRESSED! ONLY FOR AN HOUR.
I MAY NEED YOU LONGER! I'M NOT STAYING LONG! HI, DENISE.
DENISE: HEY, SUZANNE.
MY BROTHER, THEO.
HELLO, THEO.
HI.
HI.
( DEEP VOICE: ) I'M THEO.
I JUST TOLD HER THAT.
OH, YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
WHY DON'T WE GO MEET MY MOM? LET ME KNOW IF I CAN HELP.
I'LL BE HERE ALL DAY.
( WHISPERS: ) IT'S BEEN I KNOW.
THEY'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING! WE CAN'T WRITE A PAPER ABOUT NOTHING.
ASK THEM SOME QUESTIONS.
GOOD IDEA.
HEY, RUDY, HOW YOU DOING? FINE.
WHAT'S IT LIKE BEING IN A BIG FAMILY? THERE'S NEVER ENOUGH CEREAL.
I SEE.
KNOW SOMETHING? WHAT? NOBODY LETS ME TALK.
WHY NOT? EVERY TIME I TRY THEY SAY I'M TOO SMALL.
COULD YOU WRITE THAT I WANT MY OWN ROOM? DON'T USE THIS FOR PERSONAL GAIN.
OKAY, JUST SAY I WANT MY OWN PHONE.
PUT DOWN THAT VANESSA HOGS THE BATHROOM.
I DO NOT! DO TOO! DO NOT! DO TOO! THIS IS GREAT STUFF, DENISE.
YOU DON'T LIVE WITH IT.
HEY, GUYS.
THOUGHT YOU MIGHT BE THIRSTY.
FOR YOU.
AND SUZANNE THIS IS FOR YOU.
THAT'S SWEET OF YOU.
WHERE'S OURS? GET YOUR OWN.
THERE'S NEVER ENOUGH SODA, EITHER.
WHEN IS IT MY TURN TO BE OBSERVED? SOON.
HOW SOON? IN A WHILE, THEO.
I'M READY NOW.
IN ABOUT 15 MINUTES.
NO PROBLEM.
I'LL BE IN MY ROOM, SUZANNE.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YEAH, SURE! YES! HOW'S IT GOING? THEY GAVE US FASCINATING STUFF.
THEY CAN BE PRETTY FASCINATING AT TIMES.
WE'RE ON OUR WAY TO THEO'S ROOM.
YOU GOING INSIDE? YEAH.
THE CONDITION OF CERTAIN ROOMS DO NOT NECESSARILY REFLECT THE VIEWS OF MANAGEMENT.
THEO-- IT'S US.
JUST A MINUTE.
BE RIGHT THERE.
( KNOCK ) COME ON! ( VOICE SQUEAKS: ) COME IN.
WHAT DID YOU DO HERE? STRAIGHTENED UP A LITTLE.
YOU CAN ACTUALLY SEE THE RUG.
YEAH, IT'S A NICE ROOM, THEO.
WHY DID YOU CHANGE YOUR CLOTHES? I WANTED TO WEAR SOMETHING MORE COMFORTABLE.
A TIE? SUZANNE, MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME.
I WAS JUST GOING TO DO SOME STUDYING.
THEO, WE'RE HERE TO OBSERVE NORMAL BEHAVIOR.
SHE'S ALWAYS GIVING ME A HARD TIME.
CAN'T WAIT TO READ YOUR REPORT.
YOU'RE INTERESTED IN SOCIOLOGY? YEAH, SURE! SINCE WHEN? SOCIOLOGY IS THE STUDY OF HUMAN BEHAVIOR.
SINCE WE'RE ALL HUMANS, WE SHOULD BE INTERESTED.
WELL PUT! THANK YOU.
DID YOU ENJOY THE SODA? YES.
DENISE-- YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOUR BROTHER WAS CHARMING.
YOU'RE RIGHT-- I DIDN'T.
THEO, I JUST REALIZED YOU'RE THE ONLY MALE CHILD IN THE HOUSE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
HOW DO YOU FEEL? IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
I FIND THIS STUFF INTERESTING BECAUSE I'M AN ONLY CHILD.
WHAT'S IT LIKE? I'D RATHER BE HERE.
LARGE FAMILIES DO A LOT MORE SHARING.
THAT'S HOW I FEEL-- ESPECIALLY THE SHARING.
SOME GUYS MIGHT FIND IT HARD BUT IT'S MADE ME MORE SENSITIVE TO THE WANTS AND NEEDS OF WOMEN.
( LAUGHS ) SUZANNE-- I NEED TO TALK TO MY BROTHER FOR A MINUTE.
DO YOU MIND? NO, NOT AT ALL.
( WHISPERS: ) WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT? YOU CHANGED YOUR CLOTHES; CLEANED YOUR ROOM.
COLOGNE?! IT'S LEFT OVER FROM LAST WEEK.
YOU'RE TRYING TO IMPRESS SUZANNE! I AM NOT! WHY DID YOU SAY YOU'RE SENSITIVE? WHAT'S WRONG? YOU'RE NOT SENSITIVE.
YOU'VE NEVER USED THE WORD.
I AM SENSITIVE AND IF YOU WERE SENSITIVE, YOU'D KNOW THAT! STOP COMING ON TO SUZANNE.
I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP! YOU'RE HELPING FOR THE WRONG REASONS AND I'M TELLING YOU IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK.
SUZANNE WOULD NEVER BE INTERESTED.
WHY NOT? YOU'RE A SOPHOMORE, SHE'S A SENIOR.
ONLY TWO YEARS DIFFERENCE.
PHYSICALLY, NOT MATURITY.
THOSE YEARS ARE LIKE DOG YEARS! SUZANNE IS ACTUALLY DENISE, I'M NOT INTERESTED IN SUZANNE.
YOU SWEAR? YES! YOU'LL BE YOUR NORMAL SELF? YES! I WANT TO GET BACK TO STUDYING.
TA-DAH! BROUGHT YOU A LITTLE PRESENT.
MADE IT MYSELF.
YOU'RE TOO KIND.
WELL, IT'S TO FRIGHTEN THE CHILDREN AWAY.
THANK YOU.
YES.
WELL HERE I AM, STANDING OUT ON THE HUXTABLE SPREAD WATCHING MY WIFE PLOUGH THE BACK FORTY.
SEEMS LIKE ONLY YESTERDAY ME AND THE MISSUS PACKED UP THE YOUNG'UNS AND PUT A WAGON TOGETHER AND JUST DROVE ON OUT HERE.
IF THIS IS SO LOVELY HOW COME YOU'RE NOT HELPING ME? BECAUSE THAT'S DIRT.
NO, TO YOU, IT'S DIRT.
TO ME, IT'S LIFE! AH THEN WHY IS IT THAT YOU GET UPSET WHEN THE CHILDREN TRACK "LIFE" INTO THE HOUSE? YOU'RE A DOCTOR WHO WALKS AROUND ALL DAY IN HIS PRISSY LITTLE WHITE COAT HOLDING YOUR HANDS UP LIKE THIS.
I DO NOT DO THAT.
YOU NEED TO FEEL THE PLEASURES OF NATURE.
COME DOWN HERE.
I DON'T WANT TO FEEL LIFE.
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE LIFE! PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE LIFE! WHISH THROUGH YOUR FINGERS.
NOW, WHAT DO YOU FEEL? WORMS.
MOM, DAD-- I NEED YOUR HELP.
WHAT'S UP? THEO IS RUINING MY PROJECT.
OH, DEAR HOW IS HE RUINING YOUR PROJECT? TRYING TO IMPRESS SUZANNE.
HOW? HE CHANGED HIS CLOTHES CLEANED HIS ROOM AND NOW HE'S STUDYING.
WE'LL HAVE TO GET HER TO MOVE IN! HE MIGHT ASK HER OUT.
WHAT'S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN? HE'D ASK HER OUT, AND SHE'D SAY "YES.
" SO WHAT? THEO COULD END UP AT MY SENIOR PROM! WHAT IF SUZANNE AND I GO TO THE SAME COLLEGE? THEN THEO'S GOING TO BE HANGING AROUND THERE.
THIS COULD BE THE BEGINNING OF LIFE WITH THEO.
DENISE? YEAH, DAD.
BETTER YOU THAN US.
SUZANNE: DENISE! I'M COMING.
THANKS, DAD.
( LAUGHS ) AND WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT? THE BOY IS 15 YEARS OLD.
AND AT 15 YEARS OLD, A BOY WILL HIT ON A SNAKE! BUT THE BOY DOES HAVE GOOD TASTE.
BETTER THAN YOU DID.
I BEG YOUR PARDON? I SAVED YOU.
YOU SAVED ME? BEFORE I CAME ALONG, YOU WERE CHASING EVERY LOW-LIFE WOMAN OF UNCERTAIN REPUTATION IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD! YES, YOU WERE! I WAS NOT.
YOU WERE SAD, PITIFUL, DESPERATE AND TIRED! WHY DO YOU THINK THEY CALLED YOU "OVERHEATED HUXTABLE"? I REMEMBER THE WOMAN YOU WERE CHASING.
THERE YOU WERE-- LITTLE BRIGHT-EYED, KNOBBY-KNEED BOY OF 14-- CHASING A WOMAN WHO WAS STILL IN THE NINTH GRADE! I SAVED YOU, YOU SAD THING! I STILL WONDER ABOUT HER SOMETIMES.
AND WHAT DO YOU WONDER? I WONDER IF SHE'S STILL IN THE NINTH GRADE.
HER NAME IS SUZANNE.
I'M TELLING YOU YOU'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS GIRL.
WE'RE TALKING FINE-TUNED BODY.
AND HER EYES-- OOH! YOU GUYS WILL FALL OUT WHEN YOU SEE HER.
YOU KNOW GEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND? SHE MAKES HER LOOK LIKE GEORGE.
I'M THINKING ABOUT ASKING HER TO FREDDY'S PARTY.
WHEN I WALK IN, HEADS WILL TURN.
IF YOU'RE NICE TO ME, I MIGHT LET YOU MEET HER.
WHAT ACTIVITIES DO YOU ENJOY WITHOUT THE CHILDREN? ALL OF THEM.
DENISE: DADDY! IT'S TRUE.
DR.
HUXTABLE MEANS YOU ENJOY THOSE MOMENTS ALONE AS A COUPLE.
THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEAN.
DADDY, WOULD YOU COOPERATE, PLEASE? OH, SUZANNE! OH! I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE STILL HERE.
WHY IS YOUR SHIRT OPEN? I'M HOT.
THAT'S WHAT WE HEARD.
DAD, I NEED TO ASK YOU SOMETHING.
GO AHEAD.
DID YOU BORROW MY RAZOR? I NEVER BORROW YOUR RAZOR-- YOUR BEARD IS TOO HARD ON THE BLADE.
I'LL FIND IT SOMEWHERE.
I DON'T NEED IT TILL LATER ANYWAY.
SUZANNE, JUST DO WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
ONE MORE THING-- YOU DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER IF YOU DON'T WANT TO.
GO AHEAD.
DO YOU HAVE ARRANGEMENTS FOR YOUR CHILDREN IN CASE OF YOUR UNTIMELY PASSING? WE'RE TAKING THEM WITH US.
WHY DON'T YOU STOP THIS? WE BOTH HAVE INSURANCE POLICIES.
MOM, DAD, I WANT YOU TO KNOW-- IF ANYTHING HAPPENS, COUNT ON ME TO GIVE THE FAMILY THE EMOTIONAL SUPPORT IT NEEDS.
I'M GLAD I'LL BE DEAD.
WHAT A WONDERFUL THING TO SAY.
IT WASN'T THAT WONDERFUL.
NOT MANY GUYS HAVE HIS SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY AT HIS AGE.
HIS AGE IS 15.
I'LL BE 16 IN SEVEN MONTHS.
JUST AROUND THE CORNER.
( DOORBELL RINGS ) I'LL GET IT.
SUZANNE, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
HI.
DENISE, SOMEBODY FOR YOU.
NO-- IS SUZANNE HERE? YEAH, MARK, HI.
THIS YOUR BROTHER? NO, MY BOYFRIEND.
I WANT TO INTRODUCE YOU TO EVERYONE.
DENISE, DO YOU KNOW MARK? YOU'RE ON THE WRESTLING TEAM? YEAH.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
DR.
AND MRS.
HUXTABLE-- MY BOYFRIEND, MARK ROBERTS.
HOW ARE NICE TO YOU? MEET YOU.
HI.
HELLO.
AND DENISE'S BROTHER, THEO.
HOW'S IT GOING? HOW YOU DOING? ALL RIGHT.
YOU AND MARK ARE INTERESTED IN THE SAME THING.
WE ARE? WHAT? SOCIOLOGY.
SOCIOLOGY? REMEMBER, EARLIER? OH, YEAH-- SOCIOLOGY IS THE STUDY OF HUMAN BEHAVIOR.
MARK WILL MAJOR IN IT AT CENTRAL STATE.
OH! IN WILBERFORCE, OHIO? GOOD SCHOOL.
I GOT A SCHOLARSHIP.
IF I COULD PUT GUYS IN A HEADLOCK I'D GET A SCHOLARSHIP, TOO.
IT'S NOT FOR WRESTLING.
IT'S AN ACADEMIC SCHOLARSHIP.
OH.
WHY DON'T YOU TEACH HIM HOW TO SHAVE? DENISE: MARK, DO YOU WANT ANYTHING TO DRINK? NO, THANKS.
I HAVE THINGS TO DO IN THE BACKYARD.
SUZANNE, NICE MEETING YOU.
YOU, TOO, THEO.
MARK, SEE YOU.
OKAY, THEO.
THEO IS RUINING MY GARDEN.
THAT BASKETBALL LANDED RIGHT IN IT.
DEAR, IT DIDN'T LAND IN THE PLANTS.
IT LANDED IN THE "LIFE.
" HE'S NOT EVEN PLAYING BASKETBALL.
HE'S JUST BANGING IT AGAINST THAT BACKBOARD.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
THIS IS WHAT BOYS DO WHEN THEY HAVE PROBLEMS WITH WOMEN.
THEY BURN ENERGY OFF.
ALL RIGHT.
BUT IF HE DOES ANY DAMAGE I'M THE NEXT WOMAN HE'LL HAVE A PROBLEM WITH.
OH! OH, CLIFF! MY RADISHES! COME HERE, DEAR.
DON'T, PLEASE! DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE RADISHES.
WE WEREN'T GOING TO EAT THEM ANYWAY.
WHY NOT? THE RADISHES LOOK PITIFUL.
I PULLED ONE UP.
IT DIDN'T HAVE ANY COLOR.
YOU PULLED ONE OF MY RADISHES? I WAS DOING QUALITY INSPECTION, DEAR.
I HAVE WORKED ON THIS GARDEN FOR SIX MONTHS AND I WON'T LET MY LABOR BE DESTROYED.
I'M TALKING TO HIM.
YOU CAN'T GO OUT THERE IN THIS CONDITION.
THIS CALLS FOR COOL MINDS.
THIS IS OUR ONLY SON.
JUST LET ME TALK TO HIM.
WHAT WILL YOU SAY? I'LL TELL HIM TO STOP KILLING HIS MOTHER'S RADISHES.
THANK YOU.
AND HER LITTLE SAD CORN.
HEY-- HEY! MAN, THAT'S YOUR MOTHER'S GARDEN! COME OUT OF THERE.
OH, YOU STEPPED ON THAT.
WE HAVE TO EAT THAT STUFF.
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A LITTLE BREAK? DON'T FEEL LIKE IT.
LET'S HAVE LUNCH TOGETHER, OKAY? NOT HUNGRY.
NO, I'M TALKING ABOUT DAD FIRING UP THE BARBECUE AND MAKING YOUR FAVORITE-- BACON BURGER DOG! HUH? NO, THANKS.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? USUALLY, I SAY "BACON BURGER DOG" AND YOUR TONGUE COMES OUT AND YOU LICK YOUR FACE.
COME ON! I'M NOT IN THE MOOD.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? YOU KNOW WHAT SUZANNE DID TO ME.
WHAT DID SUZANNE DO TO YOU? SHE CAME OVER HERE.
SHE HUNG OUT IN MY ROOM.
SHE ACTED LIKE SHE LIKED ME.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S WORSE? DENISE NEVER FOUND OUT IF THE GIRL HAD A BOYFRIEND.
I SEE.
THEY MADE ME A FOOL.
THEO-- I THINK YOU'VE LOST YOUR MIND.
THE GIRL CAME OVER HERE TO HELP YOUR SISTER WITH A REPORT.
SHE DIDN'T COME HERE TO BECOME YOUR GIRLFRIEND.
YOU PUT COLOGNE ON CLEANED UP YOUR ROOM-- "HI, MY NAME IS THEODORE" YOU DID THAT.
SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND.
NOW YOU'RE POUNDING THE BASKETBALL AGAINST THE WALL KILLING MY WIFE'S GARDEN.
IF YOU LOVE HER AND WANT TO GET RID OF THE GUY DO LIKE THE OLD DAYS-- SAY, "I LOVE THAT WOMAN AND I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL.
" NO, I'M SERIOUS! WHOEVER IS ALIVE AT THE END CAN CALL HER UP TOLL-FREE AND SAY, "I'M YOUR MAN.
" I JUST NEED TO PLAY FOR A COUPLE HOURS.
NO, I WANT YOU TO TAKE THAT ENERGY AND GO TO THE LIBRARY.
ARE YOU SERIOUS? GO TO THE LIBRARY AND POUR THAT ENERGY INTO THE BOOKS.
I HAVE BOOKS HERE.
THAT'S NOT THE SAME THING.
YOU NEED TO SIT IN A HARD WOODEN CHAIR.
YOU NEED TO HEAR THE SILENCE OF THE PAGES FLIPPING.
YOU NEED A HINT OF THE MILDEW.
ARE YOU TRICKING ME INTO DOING MY HOMEWORK? NO, I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU BECAUSE I USED TO BE IN THAT POSITION.
NOW GO UPSTAIRS AND GET THOSE OVERDUE BOOKS AND GO TO THE LIBRARY.
( PHONE RINGS ) HUXTABLE RESIDENCE.
NO, THEO WENT TO THE LIBRARY.
YES, I AM POSITIVE.
THE PLACE WITH THE BOOKS.
WELL, TRY AGAIN LATER.
HEY, MOM-- I'VE BEEN READING THE NOTES FOR OUR REPORT.
HOW DOES OUR FAMILY LOOK? I'M NOT USING OUR REAL NAMES.
I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT.
THIS IS THE KITCHEN.
THIS IS WHERE I SIT.
HELLO, THEO.
HI-- THIS IS TORY BECKWITH.
HI.
HELLO.
SHE'D LIKE TO LOOK AT YOUR GARDEN.
THAT COULD BE ARRANGED.
AREN'T YOU GOING TO INTRODUCE ME? THIS IS MY SISTER.
DENISE.
DO YOU GO TO SCHOOL TOGETHER? I MET HIM AT THE LIBRARY.
OH! OH? I WAS WALKING TORY HOME TELLING HER ABOUT YOUR GARDEN.
MY FATHER OWNS A NURSERY.
MOM REALLY KNOWS HER VEGETABLES.
IT'S SO NICE WHEN MY CHILDREN TAKE AN INTEREST IN WHAT I DO.
TORY, LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
GREAT! YOU TWO GO AHEAD.
I'LL MAKE SOME BEVERAGES.
HEY, SHE'S PRETTY.
THANKS.
SHE'S LUCKY, TOO.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? SHE'S WITH YOU.
THANKS, DENISE.
OKAY.
THEO! HEY, DAD.
ALL RIGHT.
TELL ME-- HOW WAS THE LIBRARY? GREAT! IT WAS? OH, YEAH! DAD, YOU WERE RIGHT.
THE LIBRARY IS THE PLACE.
SO YOU REALLY ENJOYED IT? OH, YEAH, DEFINITELY.
YOU BROUGHT SOMETHING BACK WITH YOU.
SURE DID.
OH, BOY-OH-BOY! UH, SON? YEAH, DAD.
THERE'S A GIRL IN THE YARD WITH YOUR MOTHER.
HER NAME IS TORY BECKWITH.
IS SHE A FRIEND OF YOUR MOTHER'S? NO.
I MET HER AT THE LIBRARY.
OH, YEAH? I DIDN'T EVEN MAKE THE FIRST MOVE.
SHE WALKED BY AND DROPPED A BOOK.
YOU PICKED IT UP? I HAD TO-- I'M A GENTLEMAN.
AND? I HANDED IT TO HER.
YEAH? WE INTRODUCED OURSELVES AND HERE WE ARE.
IS THIS SERIOUS? I CAN'T SPEAK FOR HER BUT AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED I'M NOT IN LOVE YET.
WE'RE GOING TO TAKE IT SLOW? I WILL.
ALL RIGHT! OH, DAD? YEAH? COULD WE HAVE A BARBECUE? I THINK THAT I'M SHARP ENOUGH THAT I COULD WHIP UP THE BEST BACON BURGER DOG I'VE EVER MADE.
DAD, LET'S TAKE IT SLOW.
WE SHOULD START HER OFF WITH JUST A BURGER DOG.
A BURGER DOG! A BURGER DOG!