The Critic s02e05 Episode Script

1 The following is a test of faye dunaway's vocal cords.
We repeat: This is only a test.
It stinks.
So, pat, are you a man or a woman? She's a girl, mate.
I saw her backstage.
Look.
You ruined my career! Oh, well.
Live, from hohokus, New Jersey, it's yesterday night! It's yesterday night live starring the not-good-enough- for-feature-film players! Including the fat guy, the crazy woman, and the token black guy.
Featuring musical guests, the rolling stones! And now, here's your host, Jeremy hawke! Hello, hohokus! Well, I'm thrilled to be here.
Most of you know me as nothing more than a rugged super-hunk with a tush to die for.
And, uh, speaking of dying, when's Reagan going to kick off? Am I right? Now, here's my Johnny Carson impression.
A famous garbage bag company in pismo beach has signed Tonya Harding as their spokesperson.
This is true.
Ah, she'll be promoting their new line of white trash bags.
Aw! I don't know who Johnny Carson is, but that's funny.
We've got a great show, so stay tuned.
he's Mr.
sweaty guy he's Mr.
sweaty guy Mr.
sweaty guy, this is the original copy of the U.
S.
constitution.
It's been kept dry for 200 years.
I want you to hold it.
No sweat.
Uh! They do the same sketches every week.
They're nothing more than a string of catch phrases.
Yeah, that's the ticket.
Oh, beauty.
They didn't give my seat away.
Hello.
Hi.
I'm Olivia hawke, Jeremy's twin sister from Australia.
Well, I'm a lucky girl to be sitting I wonder what she looks like naked.
You idiot! You said that out loud.
You better cover.
I mean, uh, I wonder what she cooks like naked.
Oh nice going.
Hey, did you hear? They're firing that fat sweaty guy.
That's me! Livvy! I'm so glad you could come.
Oh, good to see you, Wally.
Wally? I was stolen by wallabies when I was a baby.
Well, if childhood trauma turns you on, have I got a story for you.
So, you see, gentlemen, this 7-year-old boy somehow managed to swallow a recording of barking dogs singing jingle bells.
Poor baby! Oh, baby.
Oh, yeah.
I can dig it.
Oh! Anyway, what brings you to New York? I'm a dealer in aborigine art.
How ab-original.
We're opening up a gallery here in New York.
You know, I've never been here before.
Would you like to give me a tour? Yeah, I'd like to! Oh, uh, but I shouldn't.
Jay has a girlfriend.
Well, she's not my girlfriend, but we have kind of a Harry-met-Sally, Tracy-and-hepburn, Turner-and-hooch thing going.
Hey, look, it's just a tour.
It's not like you're going to see me cook naked.
Oh! All right.
- Naked, schmaked.
- I just want the cookin'.
Dad! There goes yesterday night live alum, jon lovitz! Make way, make way, you comedy peons.
Famous movie star coming through, and I am carrying something you've never seen before.
It's called talent! Man! I wish I had half his looks.
Well, you kind of sound like him.
You think? And, action! That's our show for tonight.
Next week, we'll be reviewing true lies 2.
For this sequel, they weren't able to get Jamie Lee Curtis, so they had to settle for her dad, Tony.
I used to dance like this for kirk Douglas.
Oh, marvelous.
Nice show today.
I liked your review of the new Mel Brooks movie.
Oh, you mean, the hand that rocks the dreidel? Listen, Alice, Jeremy's sister asked me to take her around town, but if you say no, I won't go.
Jay, don't put me in this position.
You just have yourself a nice time.
Are you sure? I said yes, damn it! Oh.
Then I'm off! Poor kids.
They're crazy about each other.
If only they had the guts to say how they really feel.
You're right.
Duke, I've loved you for years.
In fact, every 30 seconds I have a hot, steamy fantasy about the two of us.
Oh, uh, uh, I got to take this elevator.
That's just an open shaft.
It's quicker.
Get ready to experience Jay sherman's New York.
We begin with Chinatown.
It's the monster with many mouths.
Kill the lights! New York is a shopper's paradise.
The garment district, the diamond district, and the quaintly nauseating antihistamine district.
And this is grant's tomb.
Who has disturbed ulysses grant's slumber? Oh, Jay.
Can we try it, please? Aw, these things are rigged.
Oh, come on, Jay.
Let's give it a go.
Are you all right? My name is Forrest Gump.
You can call me Forrest Gump.
Ow! Soon-yi, I-m I'm sorry.
I can't get past this problem with your age.
You know, 22 is just too old for me.
This is the constellation we call the goddess.
This one is called kreplach, the bald ogre.
Hey.
But they share a common star, bound together forever in eternal harmony.
Oh, Jay.
Sometimes I feel like I've searched this whole galaxy just looking for a man who really needs me.
Jay, she's fantastic.
Does she have a daughter? Our last film tonight is a sequel to little women: Little men.
Starring the littlest men in Hollywood, Michael j.
Fox, Dudley Moore, and Joe pesci.
Look at this.
I'm here with the keebler elves.
You seem awfully hostile.
You should see a shrink.
Shrink! Oh, you think I'm funny? Do I amuse you? Do I make you laugh? I asked for 2 shots, but this is ridiculous.
Oh, God, I kill myself.
Hey, look! It's Gary Coleman.
I really liked that movie, especially the scene when they all sailed around the bathtub in a thimble.
Man, that's short, baby! Hmm.
Wonder why you're in such a good mood? Jay! Ready for lunch? Uh, this is Jeremy's sister, Olivia Newton hawke.
And this is my assistant Um um Oh, God, I'm really in trouble now.
The name is Alice, as in Alice doesn't work here anymore.
Look, Alice, I'd never want to hurt you, but I don't know what our relationship is.
Are we friends or are we more? We are employer and employee.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'd like to leave with my dignity.
Jay, is there a little man on the outside of this door? Yes.
Oh, pooh.
Olivia, this is Doris.
Her job is to make me look beautiful.
How I yearn for death's sweet embrace.
Come on.
I know that Olivia chick.
She gave me the wildest night of my life.
Then, when I woke up, she was gone.
She didn't even stay to cuddle.
I'd never walk out on you.
That wasn't very sexy, was it? Jay, I'm all verklempt.
I can't find my sister anywhere.
She's not in her hotel room, she didn't call vegemite sandwich? Blast it, Jay, I hate to say this about my sister, but she'll break your heart.
And then I'll be holding your hand all night at the chicken shackAgain.
What do you mean, there's no more chicken? My heart is shattered.
Is a little "extra crispy" too much to ask? What about that big juicy one over there? I just want a little thigh.
You want a piece of me, fat boy? I'll spork your ass.
Jeremy? I think my sister and I need a moment alone.
Well, at least I have a towel.
New York, just like I pictured: Bright lights, skyscrapers, fat naked man on the balcony there.
I won't let you hurt my best friend.
I've got no choice but to tell Jay about your past.
No, you won't, because I'm going to tell him right now.
Jay! I've got something to tell you.
F-f-f-fine.
Now it's your turn to go wait on the balcony.
S-s-s-see how you like it.
Mmm.
That hardly seems fair.
Jay, do you know why you're different from every man I've been with? Uh, is it my vestigial bosom? No, it's because deep down, you're the most vulnerable man I've ever met.
You're sweet, you're unpretentious, you're like a big koala bear.
I hate qantas.
Now, Jay, I want our relationship to be built on trust.
So, I'm going to tell you about every man I've ever been with.
Starting in high school, there was kato, who lived in the guest house, Warren beatty, when he was good, Pete best he was the worst Mickey dolenz, Peter tork, Peter tosh and Mickey Rourke Then this year there was Larry "bud" melman, and he was the best, until you.
Well, since we're cleaning the slate, I'll confess my many sordid and tawdry affairs.
Whoo! So good to come clean.
Oh, Jay, you do need me.
Maybe this Sheila is finally ready to settle down.
Jay, the lovely roselli twins and I have been thinking.
You just see Olivia as an outlet for your latent homosexual attraction to me.
Shut up.
You've got a great pair of smoochers, mate.
Are you all right? Yeah.
Jay, it's Alice.
Have you forgotten about me? What is the problem? Nothing, I swear this time I'll kiss you.
I love you, Spartacus.
She called me Spartacus.
What's the matter, mama? Oh, sweetie, you wouldn't understand.
Are you afraid the man you love has left you for another? What? Where'd you learn to talk like that? It's "men are scum" week on ricki lake.
How can I tell if I really love Jay? Well, just do what ricki lake says: Close your eyes and listen to the voice inside your head.
Ok.
Who do I love? Hello.
Ow! It is Jay! Doris, you know Jay pretty well, don't you? Hey, I was there for him when his liposuction backfired.
He went to Rio, and was the hit of the carnaval.
Ole, ole, ole, ole feeling hot, hot, hot I'm in love with Jay, but I don't know what to do.
Well, my advice is to just walk right up and tell him.
Or do what I do: Send your man a naked picture of yourself.
My pills my pills.
Mmm! Mmm! Listen, I'm supposed to fly back to Australia tomorrow, but I'm not sure I want to.
You're high on vitamin Jay, baby.
Well, buckle up 'cause the ride just gets Wilder.
Jay, you make me laugh and scare me all at the same time.
I love you.
Tell me you love me, too.
Well, I Jay, you bewitching little booger, I've got something to say: I love you, and I need to know do you love me? Well, I Baby, I love you the most.
And now you gotta be straight do you love me? Uh, queen latifah? Oops, wrong office.
Dad, 2 women are in love with me, and I don't know which one I love.
Oh, that's a tough one.
I went through some similar travails over your mother.
Move aside, you little squirt.
I'll have this dance.
Oh, fresh! Help! Franklin, help! Help! Help! I don't get it.
Well, neither do I, son, but I do know how to find out who you really love.
Do what ricki lake says: Just close your eyes and listen to the voice inside your head.
Who do I love? Hi.
I'm ricki lake.
On today's show, we'll be looking at Jay sherman and the people he loves.
Jay, I'm the first girl you kissed.
Now I'm a militant lesbian and a professional woman golfer! Hi, Jay.
I'm the poster that got you through all those lonely nights in college.
I was on your wall, too, you scum-sucking loser! Oh, yeah.
Have a nice day.
Jay, I represent your ex-wife, ardeth.
If you want her likeness to appear in this dream, it'll cost you $10,000.
Well, partner, looks like we're on the road to Jay's bladder.
Yeah.
I hear this cat has a pool-shaped kidney.
Man, that's livin'.
Baby, this is the queen.
I dub thee my Earl of ecstasy.
Uh, queen latifah? Wait a minute.
This isn't Denzel Washington's head.
Do you love me? This is your last chance, mate.
I love you, you bewitchin' little booger.
Alice! Look, I think you're wonderful, but I love someone else.
Jay, you're the first man who's ever dumped me.
Oh, don't worry.
I'm sure you'll meet someone who needs you even more than I do.
'Scuse me, ma'am.
My pants seem to be on backwards.
Could you zip me up? Thank you, ma'am.
Now, Mr.
sweaty guy, "during the midnight ride of Paul revere, "how many lanterns were there, "what was the name of his horse, "who was his partner, and was his horse a stallion or a mare?" Alice, I've got something to tell you.
It's something I should have said a long time ago.
I love you.
Really? I've been carrying this poem for years, saving it for when I finally met the woman of my dreams.
"She's a super freak" oh, I'm sorry.
I haven't updated this since 11th grade.
Oh, here.
"The woman I love will be my best friend.
"We'll make each other laugh, and I'll never be lonely again.
" Her name will be Alice, and she'll have a sweet Southern accent, and I hope she'll love me, too.
Oh, Jay, you're the sweetest man who ever called me a super freak.
Help! Help! Help! Celebrity voices are impersonated.
No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode.
Excuse me, the shows over.
Get away, pipsqueak.
That's why I love her.
Shh!