The Detour (2016) s02e05 Episode Script

1 [Breathing Heavily.]
WOMAN: Give me her name! I've asked you for hours on end.
Give me a name! Anything.
And I All right [Sighs.]
Mr.
Parker.
You can cut the bullshit babe-in-the-woods routine.
- We know you know everything.
- What are you talking about? He's known all along about the fraudulent green-card marriages and the fake I.
D.
s.
[Chuckles.]
No.
You should have seen his face when I told him.
It came out in the goddamn court documents over a year ago.
Oh, you think you're so smart, don't you? The two of you that you can't be broken.
Well, we'll see about that.
[Click.]
[Children Laughing.]
CHILDREN: Happy Halloween! [Spooky Sounds Playing.]
Is that real or fake? He's too fat to be fake.
[Chainsaw Whirs.]
[Man Yells, Girls Scream.]
[Laughs.]
What the hell is your problem, pal? Come on.
It's Halloween.
It's supposed to be scary, okay? Get some candy.
You can trust me.
I'm gonna be a dad soon.
You're gonna be a terrible father.
Dick.
I It's Halloween.
[Imitating Chainsaw.]
The doctor's here! [Chuckles.]
- That's lame.
- What? No.
It's a lot scarier with it plugged in, but Well, congratulations for handing out exactly zero pieces of candy.
Well, at least you're not letting it go to waste.
Oh, come on.
It was a joke.
Relax ing with candy is what you should be doing on my favorite holiday.
Except you're an actual adult now, with actual responsibilities, so hey, I know don't go out.
I'm going for one drink.
Honey, it's never just one drink.
It's one drink! I promise! I just want my babies to meet a sober, vibrant man when they meet their dad for the first time.
You're four weeks out.
They're still cooking.
Besides, the Double D's aren't coming early, okay? - Twins never do.
- "Double D's.
" Ugh.
- What? No, come on.
It's cute.
- It's gross.
Delilah? That's great.
Yes, but I am n And No, I am not Don Cherry Parker.
[Imitates Chainsaw.]
Oooh.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
Oh, shoot.
Oh, baby, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
No, no.
It's okay, it's okay.
It's not you.
They're just kicking.
They're being dicks.
Oh.
Just like their dad.
Their big ol' dad.
No.
Dicky, dicky dad.
It's too hot.
It's too hot for kisses.
Go.
Wait, is that, like, "go" go, or"don't go" go? Yeah! Go! Go! Go have drinks at a bar and play the bowling.
What, you want me to just [Silly Voice.]
stay home? [Laughs.]
Rub your fat feet? - That sounds great.
- [Normal Voice.]
Fine.
I'll stay here and I'll rub your fat feet.
Thank you, babe.
Now I know where all the candy goes.
But seriously, it's like they cut your feet off and put Shrek's feet on.
You know when you roll up a tube of toothpaste and you squish it all down at the bottom? Your feet look Babe? No! You did not just fall asl [Laughs Evilly.]
[Imitates Chainsaw.]
- Boo! - Oh, Jesus Christ! Why would you do that?! Scared the shit out of me! Somewhere behind the skyline There is a place I'm thinkin' [Distorted Music Plays.]
[Spooky Rock Music Playing.]
I think this might be illegal.
How is it illegal? It's 12 shots, man.
It's one drink.
Come on, come on, come on, come on Come on, come back Whoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Mule ears! [Braying.]
Okay, okay.
Calm down.
Hey, the First Amendment doesn't have a volume knob, George Washington.
I'm not George Washington.
Who are you Rumpelstiltskin? Sexy Muslim Santa Claus? I'm Albus Dumbledore.
[Chuckles.]
Who are you Betty Boop? I'm Margaret Sanger.
I-I don't know who that is.
Founding mother of birth control? Oh.
Right.
Oh, oh, that.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, I know.
You know, it's funny, I'm, uh I'm planning a parenthood right now.
- Mm.
- Yeah.
Except I'm gonna go through with it, unlike what you guys do.
You're kind of cute, but a bit of a dipshit.
[Giggles.]
"Dipshit.
" That's hilarious.
It suits you so well.
Yeah.
[Both Laugh.]
What's up, Gene? Hey, you like this getup, or what? - Who are you supposed to be? - I don't know.
It's from some dumb-ass movie these kids all think is funny.
Yeah, it's hilarious, right? Who's Pedro? Some dumb-ass Mexican.
I don't know.
Hey, girls.
I'm a Liger.
[Both Laugh.]
Oh, son of a bitch.
Nate? I think I peed myself again.
[Sniffs.]
Oh, that's not pee.
[Sniffs.]
That's not pee.
Nate? Nate! That's not pee! Nate! Naaaaate! - Should we do some shots? - Yes! I think I'm, uh, ready to call it a night, so I got a baby on the way two of them.
Your wife doesn't mind that you're hanging out with hotties? Oh, he's not married.
You got to get out while the gettin's good, Natey.
Nah, she trusts me.
Plus, why would I screw around on someone who looks like that, huh? That's not your wife.
That is a model.
It's not.
She's She's with me.
So you're rich? Famous? - You ride a motorcycle? - Did she used to be fat and doesn't realize that she can do better now? What? Is she, like, missing a leg or something? - No! - She's probably deaf.
No.
Just a lucky son of a bitch.
I mean, he's a lab monkey one day, and the next day, he is an executive.
What?! I don't buy it.
Show me a picture of you and her in the same photo.
We've only been together nine months, so I don't have a lot of those, but [Cellphone Beeps.]
Um my phone just died.
So, there you go.
Off the hook.
[Both Giggle.]
You must be really good at something.
Ew! Rachel! I thought you were with Billy.
You want to slum with this? - Wouldn't call it "slumming.
" Okay? - No! And on that note, I think I should go.
Gene: What is wrong with you? [Chuckling.]
You are such a [Laughs.]
Oh! What did they call you? - Dipshit.
- Dipshit.
[Laughing.]
It's so true.
All right, drink up! It's Halloween! It's my favorite holiday.
- Mine too.
- Mm! - I mean, it's one drink, right? - Mm-hmm.
All right.
Here we go.
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo.
[Girls Giggle.]
[Hums.]
I get knocked down, but I get up again You're never gonna keep me down I get knocked down, but I get up again You're never gonna keep me down I get knocked down, but I get up again Um, sorry to stop the party, y'all, but I got an important message for a Nate, from his girlfriend.
Is one of you guys Nate? I'm Nate! Hey, he said my name! [Crowd Yelling.]
Buddy, there's more than one Nate here, okay? - Oh, hey, are you Nate? - Yeah.
Hey, this guy's Nate, too! Two Nates! Yeah.
Yeah.
We are the Nates of the Round Table! Buddy, get off of me! Hey! Not cool, Nate.
Sorry.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Hey.
Hey, what what was the message? Sorry, man, No requests.
No, s-s the message for Nate, what was it? F-From his girlfriend! [Record Scratches, Music Stops.]
Baby! She's having a baby! [Crowd Cheers.]
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
I didn't even know she was pregnant.
Just Come on.
WOMAN: Thank you for calling the automated voice-mail system.
You have 19 new messages.
[Beep.]
Robin: Nate, I think my water broke.
Where are you? Seriously?! Nate, where are you?! [Beep.]
[Crying.]
I don't know what to do! Nate, I need you here! I don't know what to do! [Beep.]
[Screaming.]
Are you kidding me?! You better be dead! [Beep.]
I'm having them.
I'm gonna have your children without you.
[Beep.]
[Crying.]
I love you so much! I just want you [Beep.]
Okay, well, I'm gonna drive myself to the hospital.
Hope to see you there.
Come on.
We can do this.
Okay.
[Spooky Laughter.]
Oh, what?! I'm having babies with a child.
Oh! Oh, oh, Go Oh! Oh, God! Stop doing that! [Spooky Laughter.]
[Breathing Heavily.]
Wow.
I'm gonna be really good at this.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Hey.
Hey, man.
Hey, hey.
I ran out of quarters.
Can you call me a cab, please? I just called one, man.
It's gonna be, like, an hour.
- What?! - Why don't you just take a bus, huh? [Slurred.]
Is that a wig? 'Cause I-I got a wig.
Hey.
Hey, Gene.
Gene, Gene, Gene, you got to Somebody stole a wig! Yeah.
Gene.
Gene, I-I I need your car.
Robin's in labor.
- No, it's my car.
- I know it's your car.
- Party's just started.
- Yeah, I get it, but Where's the old-man girl? She went home.
She's got school tomorrow.
She's a child, okay? Please, I need Oh.
You know what she said to me? [Laughing.]
No, what'd she say? She said, "Where's that guy Pedro?" Right? Yeah.
'Cause she wants to keep the party going! - Why didn't you say so before? - I know! - Yeah, let's go! - I need your keys, though, okay? - Let's go! - Okay, let's go.
Hi.
It's me.
Sorry.
I didn't know who else to call.
Um I need your help.
I should not be driving.
I really shouldn't.
[Chuckles.]
You sheep-dip.
What? I mean, you deep-shift.
What was it, again? I'm a dipshit.
I'm a dipshit! [Laughs.]
That's it.
Hey, did you know, these seats, they recline? - [Leather Creaks.]
- [Giggles.]
[Tires Squeal.]
[Siren Wails.]
Oh, shit.
I'm sorry! I can't stop! I got to see my babies! [Tires Screech.]
Get out of the way! Now?! We are the Nates Who Say [High-Pitched.]
"Nate!" [All Squealing "Nate!".]
Get out of the way now! [Squealing Continues.]
Are you kidding me?! Get off my car! [Tires Squeal.]
- Aw, shit! - [Siren Wailing.]
Shit, shit, shit! - Gene, you awake? - Yeah.
[Siren Continues.]
God damn it.
[Engine Revving.]
Aaaah! What am I doing?! [Engine Hisses.]
[Breathing Heavily.]
[Groaning.]
Gene? Are you dead? [Mutters.]
[Grunts.]
I swear on the lives of my hopefully-still-on-board children that I will never drink again.
- [Muttering.]
- Well, not "never," but, you know, not for a long, long time.
[Siren Continues.]
Oh, shit.
Ah, shit! [Siren Stops.]
[Police Radio Chatter.]
Oh, my God.
I hate Halloween.
Oh.
Hey, guys.
Guys, I-I need to get to a hospital.
Can you guys take me, please? That's not how ambulances work, buddy.
Call a cab.
I d I did.
They're so busy tonight.
- It's a holiday.
- It's not a holiday.
Look, it's Halloween, okay? And if I could press a button on my phone to get a ride from a random stranger nearby, I'd do that.
But that technology doesn't exist, does it? This vehicle's for transporting sick and injured only.
I'm sick and I'm injured! Pretty sure that's fake blood.
Oh, you want real blood? I'll give you some.
Oh, shit, this is gonna hurt.
Aah! Ohh! - Whoa! - Are you nuts? Oh, yeah! I'm nuts! Now take me to the hospital.
I'll take you to a psych ward, maybe.
Great.
Any ward will do.
Hear that, Double D's? I'm coming for you, babies? Owwww! Oh, my God.
Shit, that hurt me so much.
Is there any blood? No! Stop! Cut it out! Hey, stop! Hey, cut it out! Hey, come on! [P.
A.
Beeps.]
[Woman Talking On P.
A.
.]
[Chuckling.]
I made it.
What the hell is this? Ohh.
[Groaning.]
Ohh.
Ohh! [Stifled Yelling.]
Hello, Robin.
[Whimpering.]
[Sighs.]
Okay.
8 centimeters dilated, 60% effaced.
Oh, wow! Look at you.
What do you say? You want to get these little guys out of here? No, no, no, no.
I want to wait for their dad to get here.
Okay, but we don't really have that much time.
I'll just I'll hold it.
Okay! The father's here.
Hello? Anyone here? Hey, Doc! Why do my eyes do this? I don't know.
You don't? That's locked, right? Mm [Singsong Voice.]
Could be.
[Chuckling.]
[Grunts.]
[Laughs.]
Aaah-ha-ha ow! A-ha-ha-ha! [Groans.]
[Breathing Heavily.]
[Laughing.]
Where'd he go? He had a surgery to get to.
I was about to discharge him.
[Giggling.]
I don't know.
It doesn't make any sense, 'cause I never drive without my driving gloves.
Dr.
Edwards: Then who was it, Gene? I don't know.
Hey.
Look at this guy.
Oh, my gosh! Officer: Who's he supposed to be? Oh, that's, uh Bloody Dr.
Benchman.
Oh, right.
Wait.
Who? Dr.
Benchman goes around, kills people with a bench.
I don't see how two niños are gonna fit out of a petetino that is so incredibly tight.
Dude, get get out of here! Go! Oh, excuse me.
You don't want me here? Why'd you call me crying? Because I wanted someone to talk to on my drive over.
I didn't ask you to come.
I'm not gonna miss the birth of my babies.
- What?! - Oh, please.
I did the math.
Sir, are you actually with this woman? - No! - You tell me.
Can't you see the passion? The sexual ferocity? I've been working for 36 hours straight.
I don't care.
It's time for these babies to come out.
They are going to stay in here until their actual father arrives.
[Panting.]
Damn it.
Wha Nuh-unh! Jesus Christ.
[Sighs.]
Hm! Well, what are you supposed to be? A mental patient.
Be careful.
[Chuckles.]
[Footsteps.]
Oh, hey, buddy.
Hey! Buddy, can I use those? Buddy! I need those! - Get off.
Get off.
Get off.
- I'm sitting on it.
Yeah, I don't care.
It's mine.
Come on, get off.
No! It's a public bench! It's not! It's mine! I stole it! - Get off! - Hey! I'm tired! - I don't give a shit! - I'm old! - Get off! - No! - I'm going to see my kids! - So am I! Buddy! Hey! Hey! Hey! Oh, screw you, man.
It's my bike.
I don't care about the bike.
I need the bolt cutters.
It's my bike.
I just forgot the combo for the lock.
Sure, man.
Whatever you want, okay? I just you cut the cuffs, we're square.
I don't want to aid and abet a criminal.
Cut the Goddamn cuffs.
Open it up.
Open it up.
There you go.
Attaboy.
Okay.
- Oh, my God! Calm down.
- I'm sorry! I'm nervous.
Who cares? Snip.
Are you, like, a legit, like, criminal or something? No! I mean, I escaped from a psych ward, but don't you worry.
Come on, cut.
- [Clink.]
- Aaah! Oh! [Screaming.]
Oh, Jesus Christ, man! Oh, my God! Aah! Aah! Aah! Is that part of the costume? No, it's a Goddamn artery! I need to get Aaah! - Wait! That's my bike! - Yeah, next time, think before stealing somebody else's property! [Scoffs.]
Dad, can you pick me up? Some wacko just stole my bike.
Yes, I took your bolt cutters.
Because I forgot the combination! Yeah.
These kids really don't want to come on out.
They are fighters.
- They're like their dad.
- It's true.
- I am trained in capoeira.
- Shut up.
I'm sorry.
We're just gonna have to cut them out.
No.
No.
No, no! Please.
Mm, oxygen is not getting to the boy's brain.
Cut them out.
I'm coming, babies! I'm coming for you! [Laughs.]
Get some! NURSE: So, we've got Delilah Cherry Parker.
She just doesn't look like me.
But this one most definitely looks like me.
What would you like to name the boy? Oh, um I would like to name him "Jareb.
" What? Spelled J-A-R-E-B.
Named after my first love.
I was 11 innocent but curious.
He was older maybe 40.
That Syrian man taught me so much about me, my body I am not naming my son after the man who molested you! Give me something.
He is my son.
Listen to me He is not your son.
Sir! Excuse me! Where do you think you're going? Excuse me, sir! Sir, you can't go in there! I'm sorry.
Do you know this man? I do.
I do.
Babe! - Ohh! - I'm so sorry.
What happened to you? - [Voice Breaking.]
I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
[Sighs.]
I couldn't find a cab.
- I love you so much.
- I love you, too.
[Sniffling.]
Are you drunk? I had one drink.
I swear.
I don't care.
I don't care.
I'm just glad you're here.
- Did Did they come out? - They did.
- What? - They did! [Delilah Cries.]
Delilah.
She's so mad, just like me.
[Delilah Fussing.]
And Jared.
- I love "Jared.
" - You do? - I do.
- Oh, good.
You're a lucky man, Nate.
Thank you, Doctor.
Oh, look at my son.
I have a son! Yeah, you have a daughter, too.
Yeah, I know.
I know.
But he looks so much like me.
That's genetics.
Netscape that shit.
- Excuse me.
- Hm? What are the chances of one twin being from one man and the other from another? Well, if a woman has intercourse with two men within a 24-hour period, then, yeah, sure, it's possible.
Although [As Mr.
T.]
I pity the fool! [Chuckles.]
Carlos: Think about it, Nate.
I'm a side sleeper.
He's a side sleeper.
He likes snack chips.
I like snack chips.
He reads his phone on the potty.
I read my phone on the potty.
Hey! If you ever look at my son on the potty, I will break you.
Order! Look, you need official proof, Mr.
Camacho.
Judge, I got a DNA test in a sealed thing here.
The girl, as I suspected, she's not mine.
Sorry, nanita.
[Bleep.]
off.
But the boy, Jareb, is a different story.
I need to take a recess to look this all over.
Court is adjourned until Monday morning.
I got you your own copy, mi amigo.
Sorry it had to come to this.
[Laughs.]
It's about time.
Am I a bastard yet or what?