The Drew Carey Show (1995) s02e05 Episode Script

[grunting]
[screaming]
Boy, skull mugs, scary signs..
Hey, how come we didn't do
a Halloween commercial
for Buzz Beer?
Halloween's a crazy
pagan holiday.
- Our beer's classier than that.
- 'Mm.'
Remember our slogan. "The beer
that throws up smooth."
Yeah. Yes.
Yeah, but we still
need a promotion.
Hey, I got it. We put somethin'
spooky, in every bottle.
No, we already do that.
Hey, how about Lewis
and I dress up in
costumes when we
deliver the beer?
No, no costumes.
It's too unprofessional.
I'm sick of going
to the bank every Halloween
havin' to show two forms
of ID to the Riddler.
Come on, Drew. You gotta get
into the spirit of it, you know.
Hey, you know, DrugCo
said we could wear costumes
to work this year. I'm, uh,
thinkin' of goin' as a burglar.
- 'Ooh.'
- You're the night janitor.
The only other guy there
is an armed security guard.
Hey, I know,
why don't you, uh
why don't you gain
some weight and go as a mop?
Why don't you lose
some weight and go as Earth?
[laughing]
Hey, I'm not fat.
Then, I'm not skinny.
Okay.
Alright.
I'm gonna ask for more chili
cheese fries, you want some?
Nah, that cracker filled me up.
- Hi, guys.
- Hey!
Did you notice the way
I just walked in here?
I thought we weren't
supposed to watch you
walk anymore
after our little talk.
- That still stands.
- Okay.
What I meant was
I'm over this I need
a man to feel complete thing.
- Hey.
- Mm-hmm.
For the first time, I
walked into The Warsaw
without scoping the room.
- That's good news.
- Mm-hmm.
Uh, Kate,
I'm really happy for you
but you didn't scope the room
because it's always
the same people in here.
We know everybody.
Look, turned me down,
turned me down, turned me down
turned me down, turned me down,
gay, turned me down.
Oh, wait a minute. Gay, gay, gay
gay, gay, gay, gay, gay.
Drew, these women aren't all gay
just 'cause they
wouldn't go out with you.
Yes they are. They wouldn't
go out with us, either.
[laughing]
You know, that is a point. We're
not meeting anybody new here.
Maybe it's time
we oughta try a new bar.
But why bother, I mean,
I enjoy talkin' to you guys
way more than
some handsome stranger
who just sat down
over there in the corner.
Hello, new blood.
I don't look unattainable, do I?
- No, you look easy.
- Thanks!
- Meow.
- Excuse me, kitty.
Oh! Excuse me, I'm sorry.
Oh, oops, sorry again.
- Hey..
- You alright?
Uh, I'm, I'm fine. Thank you.
I'm just a little embarrassed.
Hi, I'm Kate and these are
my strictly platonic friends
whom I'd never date.
Drew, Oswald and Lewis.
Hi, you can just
call us the "Uniques."
Wow, Uniques. I should do
real well at this bar.
(Oswald)
'Yeah.'
Listen, can I
buy you guys a beer?
Hey, we like
this guy. Come on.
Gee, I, uh, I bet there's
a story behind that shirt.
Um, "The Devil."
Yeah, does your drycleaner
mix up your laundry too?
'Cause I'm just swimmin' here in
the holy spirits boxer shorts.
Actually, my buddies made this
for me. It's just a nickname.
Huh, Devil, huh? So, how do
you get a nickname like that?
Oh, juststuff.
So what can I get you guys?
Look at us,
what can't you get us.
How about one round of beer?
I'm outta work. Things are
a little tight right now.
This waiter's gonna take
forever. Let me get those beers.
Well, he seems nice
enoughfor the Devil.
It's just a nickname.
Yeah, nicknames
don't mean anything.
I remember Drew had lots of 'em.
- Turf top.
- Shut up.
- Four eyes.
- Shut up.
- Lord of the fries.
- Shut up.
- Fat Masterson.
- Shut up!
[laughing]
- Lewis had nicknames, too.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah. Loser with turf top.
- Shut up.
- Loser with lord of the fries.
- Shut up.
- Loser with Fat Masterson.
- Shut up!
What'd they call me?
- Shut up, Oswald.
- Oh yeah.
Good times.
[theme song]
Moon over Parma ♪
Bring my love to me tonight ♪
Guide her to Cleveland
underneath your silvery light ♪
We're goin' bowlin'
so don't lose her in Solon ♪
Moon over Parma tonight ♪♪
[instrumental music]
What? Mr. Wick wants us to wear
costumes to work on Halloween.
No way, it's
the most idiotic thing
I've ever heard in my life.
And then, I said maybe
we should think about this.
It has some merit.
Pretty sound thinking.
And then I said, Carey's
a complete horse's ass
and we all had a jolly good
laugh. Ha ha ha.
What's wrong with costumes?
If I may speak to thee,
my lordship.
I don't think there's
anything wrong with it.
In fact, I think, it
encourages employee camaraderie
and goodwill towards customers.
So would tying you
between two buses.
Bite me, bloato.
Stop it, you two!
Anyway, clown face
is right, bloato.
'Now..'
which have you seen less of
Prince Albert
or William of Orange.
Uh, sir, I'm just afraid that
management will lose
a certain
amount of respect, in costumes.
Really?
Do you respect
me any less now, Carey?
- No, sir.
- Well..
Do you respect me
any lessnow, Carey? Hmm?
That wouldn't be possible, sir.
Right. Back to work, you two.
Carry on, Bobek.
Cripes!
- Hey, Drew.
- Jack, what's up?
Kate's not due for a break
for another half hour.
Yeah, I know.
I'm here to see you.
Oh. This is all
so sudden. It's a rite.
No luck findin' a job,
huh, buddy?
Nothing. I'm beginning
to wonder if it's me.
Hey, you lose that
attitude right now, mister.
I've been in personnel
almost eight years
and I know for a fact, there's
a job out there for everybody.
No matter how unskilled,
uneducated or unmotivated.
Some of 'em work right here.
- You got anything open?
- Maybe.
Least we can do
is get you on file.
Can I have your, uh, full name?
You gonna check this out?
[chuckling]
WellI am now.
Okay, it's The Devil.
- T-H-E D-E-V--
- Wait a second.
Uh, could you slow down?
My-my pen's out of blood.
See, with a sense
of humor like that
you're bound to get
somethin' sooner or later.
Okay, full name.
Real one this time.
That is my real name.
I am the Devil.
Oh, that's funny,
'cause your..
your voice is a lot higher
than it is in my head.
Come on, Drew.
Put down The Devil.
- Everything's under that name.
- Look, Jack, I'm really busy.
- I don't have time--
- It's not Jack.
Jack's just a name
I use these days to fit in.
Believe it or not,
there was a time when Beelzebub
was as common as Jack
but legally, it's The Devil.
Oh, look, come on. Let's see
your drivers license.
The Devil.
Jersey, huh?
You know, you think with all
that power you'd take
a better picture.
Where's your horns?
You know, you have one bad
hair day in the 13th century
all of a sudden
you've got horns.
Well, I guess we can skip
the psychological profile.
What, uh, what,
what were your last jobs?
Well, I've had
my hand in this and that.
Um, used car sales.
The DMV.
The post office!
And UNICEF.
Nobody's all bad.
[laughing]
Well, you know,
there's nothing here for the, uh
Prince of Darkness right now but
I'm sure to keep my eyes open.
Cool. Listen, I have to show
the unemployment
office that I'm out looking.
Would you mind, um
signing this piece of paper?
Oh, The Devil wants me
to sign somethin'.
That always turns out good.
[instrumental music]
(Drew)
'And that my friends, is why..'
I always end by sayin'
"Boyswhat's
the name of the game."
Drew's a big jackass?
- No, that's bowling.
- Oh.
This is nine ball.
Oh, man.
See, Oswald,
nobody beats saturated fats.
You wanna play another game?
Kate's not here yet.
Jeez, I hope she didn't go
with that Jack guy.
Does he have a van? I bet The
Devil has a really cool van.
He's not the Devil, Oswald.
He's just some wacko who thinks
he's The Devil.
Kate, where have you been?
Guys, you would not believe
the day I've had.
Suddenly, I am
the luckiest woman alive.
I'm buying Jack lunch, right?
They forget
to give us a receipt.
- I get it free.
- The Devil, you say.
Then, you know how bad I
wanted the apartment upstairs.
The newlyweds are
getting a divorce.
They've been married a week.
How lucky is that.
Kate, I think
you better sit down.
What's up? Are you okay?
Yeah, well, you know, uh
Jack came by my cubicle today.
Oh, I'm sorry, I shouldn't
have said you'd help
but he is such a sweet guy.
Yeah, well,
he's got a couple of quirks.
- Such as?
- He thinks he's the Devil.
- He can be.
- Mm.
No. He's serious.
I checked it out.
Today I pulled
a TRW report on "The Devil."
- What'd it say?
- Oh, not much.
He's got five credit cards.
He pays 'em all off every month.
He's evil I tell you. Evil!
Come on, Drew. Knock it off.
He's just
kidding around with you.
No, he's not, this guy's
even got his Devil name
on our check cash
and card at Pick n Pay.
Good morning Mr. Devil.
Paper, plastic, human skin.
Okay. So he's gotta dark
sense of humor. We all do.
Oswald, remember
your little joke
when you worked
at the organ bank?
Hey, you want
some onions with that liver?
I didn't even make
the lunch hour on that job?
You see.
Look, I'm serious, Kate.
This guy's nuts.
Look, at least
talk to him tomorrow
because if you don't, I will.
(Lewis)
'You know, you gotta
take this stuff serious.'
I mean,
we had a guy at DrugCo
who said he was
the president of the company.
Let me just give you
a little tip.
Corporate presidents
don't spank you
and then drive off on a moped.
[instrumental music]
Happy Halloween, Drew.
Oh, that's scary.
And now, we've gone beyond
scary. That's just upsetting.
Bite me, dough girl.
Hey, uh, your datin'
a guy called The Devil
and your dressed as Joan of Arc.
You'd think it'd be
once burned, twice shy.
Bloody good, Carey.
See, now you've joined in
and had a bit of fun.
Everyone won't think
you're such a tight assed
stick in the mud buffoon,
will they?
- I didn't know they did, sir.
- And why would they, eh?
Delightful people. Carry on.
- Hey, Kate. Great costume.
- Thanks.
Finally get to wear the weekend
clothes to work, huh, Drew?
Bite me, bug boy.
I finished that security check
on The Devil, Drew.
'The Devil's clean.'
So who do you want me to
look up next, Drew?
The Boogeyman?
Hey look. It's three guys
dressed like Dilbert.
- Hey, Jack.
- Kate, you look hot.
Hey, Mimi.
- Ready to go to lunch?
- Yeah.
Uh, wait a second, Kate.
Don't you have somethin'
you need to talk to Jack about?
Uh, I can't believe
you're making me do this.
Jack, would you tell Drew
that you're yankin' his chain.
He really thinks
you believe you're the Devil.
Oh, man. This always happens.
Because of the nickname, right?
Yeah. And because I am Satan.
Let's go to lunch.
- What?
- What is wrong?
What's wrong is that we've been
seeing each other for weeks
you'd think this Devil thing
might have come up.
Look, I know it takes
some getting used to
and I'm sorry I lied,
but it's no big deal.
No big deal?
I really liked you.
You were the sweetest, most
gentle guy
I'd met in a long time.
Now I can't date you
'cause you're a nut job.
Sorry. It doesn't work
that way. We have a deal.
A deal? When?
What kind of deal?
Remember the other day at lunch?
You said you'd sell
your soul for a milkshake.
That was just an expression.
I want a milkshake.
I wanna be president.
I want a spot between
"Seinfeld" and "ER."
It's all the same thing.
It's a contract.
You're stuck with me.
So what if I don't
go along with our little deal?
What are you gonna do? Follow me
around and do creepy things?
The Devil does not follow.
I am so far ahead of you.
Wherever you go
I'll already be there.
It's gonna look,
like you're following me.
Oh, great.
- You're just another jerk?
- Another jerk? See.
- Wow, that was pretty weird.
- Weird.
(both)
Stop it! Stop it!
Aah! Drew, this is ridiculous.
We're
acting like he is The Devil.
Listen, I've dealt
with guys like this before
if you don't humor him, we're
never gonna get rid of him.
And he hasn't done anything
we can go to the cops about.
Okay, mister, I'll play along.
In your little Devil world
what does it take to get
someone out of bondage?
You can exchange them
for another soul.
Alright. Take hers.
Oh, man. It's bad enough
down there as it is.
Look, uh, I've read somewhere
that you're a betting man.
Why don't you and I play
a little game of nine ball..
for Kate's soul?
Ah! Now that's interesting.
Uh, if I lose I give up
Kate's soul. What if I win?
Oh, if you win, you can
keep me in middle management
for the rest of my life.
- I've got news for you.
- No!
Okay look, if I lose..
you can have
Kate's soul, my soul
and, uhI'll even throw in the
soul of that temp we just hired.
It's a deal.
I'll see you tonight.
Soon, all your worldly desires
will be fulfilled.
Damn! I forgot to validate.
Drew, here's the files that..
You wish.
[instrumental music]
[shouting]
[laughs]
Funny.
I want you, pal.
You are goin' down.
DownOh, wait a minute. Up!
You're goin' up.
Are you sure
this is a good idea?
Shouldn't we just beat
the crap out of him and run?
We tried that
before in third grade
with little
Timmy Hawkins, remember?
Next thing you know, the devil's
mom was callin'
my mom I have to mow
their lawn for a month.
None of the other
kids in hell were allowed
to play with me.
You better win,
'cause if you don't
I'm never gonna
get this guy out of my life.
Don't worry, Kate. Nobody
beats Drew on his own table.
- Is there anything we can do?
- Yeah.
Get the garlic outta here.
He's not a vampire, Oswald.
Oh, and I suppose the Devil's
above that sort of thing.
Okay. Let's go. Jack, you break.
Make it a good one.
'Cause you're gonna need it.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Ha ha ha.
Oh Devil's gonna getcha ♪
You're not very cool ♪
Devil's gonna getcha ♪
I told you he would ♪♪
Oh.
Okay. Double or nothin'.
I'm sure I can find
a couple more souls.
Wow! You're gonna
sell out your friends.
It's fun, isn't it?
- So, can I break again?
- Yeah. Go ahead.
Thanks.
Hey, look, there's God!
[laughing]
My shot, my lord.
- Yeah.
- Aha.
Now stand back and
I'll show you how a mere mortal
cleans the Devil's clock.
- Yeah.
- Aha.
Yeah, buddy.
Size it up.
- 'Come on, Drew.'
- 'You got it, buddy.'
- 'Yeah. Take your time.'
- 'Okay.'
Look at that.
You're up.
(Lewis)
Hang on. I got an idea, okay.
Say, uh, Jack..
did you know that
a, uh, person pure of heart
can steal the Devil's soul?
Got your soul. Got your soul.
[laughing]
- No, you don't.
- Oh, really, really?
- What's this?
- A thumb, moron.
The Devil has no inner child.
It's sad really.
Yeah.
Uh-oh. Here we go.
- I'm gonna lose my soul!
- Your soul?
How about that poor guy
at work when Ready Time
tells him his next assignment's
eternal damnation?
Wellguess it's up to me
to outwit the Devil himself.
I'm not touchin' the Devil.
I'm not touchin' the Devil.
I'm not touchin' the Devil.
I'm not touchin' the Devil.
The last guy who did that has to
wipe a flies mouth for eternity.
It's your shot. Go ahead.
Okay, Kate, we'll do it your
way. Lewis, hold him.
I'm gonna sit on
The Devil's head and see
how he likes
wearin' a butt helmet.
Yeah.
This is so stupid.
Jack, what are you
tryin' to prove here?
You wanna be the Devil.
You're the Devil.
You could be Good King Wenceslas
for all I care.
I just want you
to leave me alone.
Nope. We have a contract.
Well, a real man
wouldn't need a contract.
- 'Ooh.'
- Excuse me?
What, are you afraid
you're not man enough for me
without being The Devil?
- That's ridiculous.
- Ooh!
What's wrong, Mr. Devil boy?
[all blabbering]
That's it, isn't it?
The only way you can get
a woman is to steal her soul.
I never thought of it like that.
Kateif I hadn't
been The Devil..
just Jack, the ordinary guy
you met by accident in a bar..
would you have
kept going out with me?
Well, sure. If you
were really that guy.
- Kate.
- Yeah?
Who do you think invented
the sensitive guy routine?
- Kiss me, I'm hurting.
- Ooh!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Alright. That's it.
Oswald, hold my coat.
Kate's soul
in the corner pocket.
The Devil's about
to take a virgin bride.
Give me back my coat.
What'd you say?
Corner pocket
and the virgin Kate, is mine.
[snickers]
Did, uh, did Kate
tell you she was a virgin?
Yeah.
[laughing]
She's not a virgin.
If you wanna virgin, take Lewis.
I can cook.
You told me you were a virgin!
Was I drinking 'cause sometimes
I'm a virgin when I'm drunk.
Okay, alright. Wait a minute.
There's some leeway here, okay?
Have you ever..
Just a little bit.
- Forget it!
- Hey, yeah.
I cannot believe you guys!
I met a nicer class
of people in Gomorrah.
Hey, if you want a virgin,
get outta Cleveland.
Yeah.
We may not get it regular,
but we got it once.
Yeah.
Devil gonna getcha ♪♪
[knock on door]
Coming.
[coughs]
Ooh. Scary costumes.
Uh, let's see what we got here.
Oh, chocolate bars. You know,
these are bad for your teeth.
Why don't I take these
and I'll give you some of these
yummy granola bars my doctor
suggested that I eat?
What else we got.
Oh, now, this is trouble. Taffy
apples.
You know, these
could have razor blades in 'em.
I have an x-ray machine.
So I'll take these
and I'll give you this..
can of tuna
and this exercise video.
You're welcome. Happy Halloween.
Whoo!
[knock on door]
Coming! Hope you have
Abba-Zabas.
- Trick.
- Or what?
Nothin'. Just trick.
I already bought that outfit.
That's for wearin' it first.