The Durrells (2016) s02e05 Episode Script
Season 2, Episode 5
- Hi! - Kalimera.
I think you're a bad chooser of men.
- Do you? - Mm-hm.
Hm.
Well, they're not my priority.
Even his name is wrong.
Hugh? It's not a name, it's a question.
I suspect you wouldn't be happy with whoever was trying to court me, Spiro, because you are over-protective of me and my family.
- Will you marry Hugh? - You can't ask that.
- Why not? - Because you're being indiscreet.
You know I love the British, but you make everything complicated.
We Greeks are different.
We say what's on our mind.
Important things.
Why are there no gingerbread women? Hm.
Mm! OK, OK! I'm busy.
Just give me another half hour.
Mm Always with the big entrance.
When are we getting married? Oh, that's a question? Well, in your hasty way, you forget that I never asked or even agreed to marry you.
Argh! Get off! What are you bloody doing? - Ask me to marry you.
- Is this to do with me giving you the mumps? Propose to me! No! So, what is MDXCVI? - Roman numerals, Gerry.
- No! Gerry No! Get out! Go! Go! Gerry, will you for once concentrate on your studies? There's a falcon attacking my otter.
- I don't care.
- Well, you should.
Otters are dying out on Corfu and I think she's pregnant.
You are the end.
That's it.
No more animals or I will .
.
I will beat you.
Go.
It It's obvious olive oil is the best for preserving and cooking.
Butter is is animal putrescence.
Mm! Toast with jam and oil.
I'm so boring about olive oil.
Hm, you are a bit.
You'll never guess what I have under my trousers.
Swimming trunks.
Wow - Are you coming in? - She doesn't go in the water.
- Why not? - She finds it undignified.
- She doesn't have a swimming costume.
- She has got six pairs of shoes.
Shall I answer? Come on.
Quickly, come on! Right, piggy-back, everyone.
Let's do this properly.
Come on, Margo! Come on, then.
One two three! Whoo! Ah, Larry.
How lovely.
Oh.
Let me guess what's making you look suicidal.
Hm, could it be your choice of girlfriend, perhaps? Vasilia just tried to force me into the least romantic proposal in history.
Oh, darling.
A scene as if written by PG Wodehouse in a really bad mood.
Please tell her it's over.
Oh, I will.
I've had enough.
Just waiting for the right moment.
Mm.
Or let me do it.
I'd love to.
No.
She'd kill you.
Literally.
Then throw your carcass out of the house.
Ah, nature filial.
How are you? Well, this is fun.
But Donald's ruining my life.
He's so grumpy now.
Hm.
Margo's making him suffer.
Because she's already been through unrequited love.
Well, I'm no expert but it seems to me that love's a bit of a nightmare.
Well, it can be because it's so hard to find.
But when you do, together, well, it's it's powerful and beautiful.
Thanks.
No, I'm sure that'll be useful.
I'm just off to get my pelicans.
Larry! Get in the water, man.
I'll race you.
Geronimo! Here I come! Go! Mrs Durrell.
I saw Larry.
He told me you need the parasol.
- Spiro, you are a marvel.
- I bring you shadow but nothing can put you in the shade.
Mr Halikiopoulos.
- Mr Jarvis.
- Oh, listen, do try to get on.
Yes, well, unlike women, men don't feel the need to like each other.
Nor do we.
I much prefer men.
- Oh, excellent.
- Not all men, obviously.
Men and women may be different, but there's such a bond between our two cultures.
Spiro loves the British and, well, Hugh's grandparents were Greek.
The Greeks and the British have so much in common.
- Theo would have lots of examples if he wasn't away.
- Weren't away.
Subjunctive.
We'll study that tomorrow.
The Greeks give us ancient culture and, well, this, and we give you Shakespeare and - Cricket? - Yes.
We play cricket in Corfu.
The only place in Greece.
What makes me think you're rather good at it, Spiro? If you'd like to bring us together, let's have a cricket match.
Greeks against the English.
No, because someone will win and the other team will be sad.
- It's a sport! - It'll be a friendly match.
- For charity.
- I'll be captain.
Well, all right.
As long as it's a joyful celebration of Anglo-Greek relations.
- Aah! - Aah! I will organise the cricket.
Spiro, what would we do without you? How many are there in a team? Er I don't know.
15? - Oh.
- But you said you play? No, but Hugh wanted a contest.
In Chicago, I watched baseball.
But I think cricket's rather complicated.
You hit the ball with the big stick and stop for cucumber sandwiches.
Hm? So, who's British and can play cricket? You, me and Donald.
I asked asked Captain Creech, but he said no.
And used some salty language.
- Larry? - Hopeless.
But he likes the dressing up.
Well, I know a few ex-pats, but we're still short.
Oh, as non-Greeks, what about Sven? And Sven's erm friend? Can homosexuals play sport? I think they do everything we do, Leslie.
Well, not everything.
- No.
Well, not - everything.
We must practise until we're a tight, efficient unit.
Yes, but your mother's right.
This must be a relaxed and gentlemanly contest.
I suppose so.
But if we lose to a bunch of foreigners, it'll be humiliating.
Yes.
Can't have that.
I mean, I really like Spiro, but we British invented sport.
- Yes.
I look forward to winning her.
- What do you mean "her"? - What? - You said you look forward to winning "her.
" - Winning - it.
The game.
Oh! Good evening.
Kalispera.
No, don't touch me! I have something serious to say.
And don't get angry, but -- - Your mouth is soft.
- That's normal.
- Now -- - Make it hard.
No! Now I have enjoyed our time together, but in the words of George Eliot, "Only in the agony of parting, do we look into the depths of love.
" So you're doing, how you call it, tittering? Twittering? - Wittering.
- Stop.
Eat with me.
And then we'll make love.
No.
No, I'm not going to erm Absolutely not.
No more Oh, God Hello, Countess.
Margo! Oh, how lovely.
I have missed you.
Ah.
Thank you.
You did sack me.
No! Tush, I merely asked you not to come back.
I have a favour.
My mother's arranging a cricket match between a Greek and a British team to celebrate the two cultures or something.
How intrepid.
And we hoped you'd present the trophy.
I'd be delighted.
And provide the trophy.
If you have an ornament or a spare bowl lying around We don't have a bean.
Well, we have beans, but not much else.
Oh.
Mais, bien sur.
And I will umpire the match.
- Oh.
- And I'm French, so I'm neutral.
No, it won't be that sort of match.
It's all going to be very friendly.
Oh-ho! If it's between Greece and Britain, it's not going to be friendly.
How can the hypotenuse be shorter than the side? - Does it really matter how long it is? - Yes, otherwise nothing matters.
You're only cross because you like Margo and she doesn't like you back.
It's not helping, that's for sure.
Well, all the men Margo likes are foreign.
So you should try acting more foreign.
Foreign? You know, more exotic.
- You don't think I look exotic? - Shall I bring you a mirror? - No.
Well, I've been thinking about animals - What a surprise.
- .
.
and what makes them exotic.
And it's often how they move.
For example, a very British animal like a rabbit, moves like this.
- So that's you.
- Oh.
Margo might prefer something more slinky.
Like a tiger.
- Raar - No, don't roar.
I've just had the best idea.
- Oh, dear.
- About love.
I'm a bit of an expert now Donald's in love with me.
I honestly think he'd cut his ear off for me like van Gogh.
Oh, please don't let him do that.
Though a toe could be quite fun.
Anyway what you have to do is to not tell Vasilia it's over.
Then she won't take revenge on you or us.
You just have to make her go off you.
Realistically, how can I make her go off me? I don't know.
But she does hate the opposite.
What she calls "men in slippers.
" That mealy-mouthed diffidence the English do so well.
There.
Be like that.
She'll go off you and you'll be free.
Of course an 80-year-old French woman can't umpire our cricket match! Why not? She knows the silly rules.
Games can be won or lost on an umpire's decision.
It's perfect.
She can favour the Greek team because they won't be as good as the English.
That's not how you play sport! I don't want this to become tense.
As much as I love Hugh, he can be competitive.
You love Hugh No! No! It was just a turn of phrase.
Stop looking at me like that.
Put Thunder down, Gerry.
There we are.
It turns out that Spiro can't play cricket, so you'll have to teach him, Leslie.
Well, Theo likes cricket.
He can do it.
Theo's away.
- You're very quiet, Donald.
- Sorry.
Donald's been telling me how his parents were from Brazil.
- Ah.
- Very exotic.
I thought they were from Reading.
Yes, erm the Brazilian quarter of Reading.
- Reading has a Brazilian quarter? - It's very small.
- Ah.
- But very exotic.
I hear you're very good at cricket, Donald.
Thank you.
I do have a workable googly.
Er less of that, missy.
But can I heat you up some warm milk? I know what you're trying to do.
- What? - You are scared of me so you want to become English again.
No, this is the real me.
Dull as buggery.
It is charming.
I love you more.
Are you staying with me to annoy my mother and make Hugh jealous? Let's have warm milk together.
Come in for a swim.
I know you're sweating away under there like a pig.
(Please drown.
) - Borrow one of my costumes.
- And even if I were happy to swim, your costumes are too racy.
When you were trying to look young, you wore really tight clothing.
And remember how much you hated that.
Leslie, Spiro's here for his cricket coaching.
- Come on.
- Oh, God It'll feel daft.
I shall be myself.
I don't think you should, no.
That's going terribly.
- You're only doing this for selfish reasons.
- Oh, I know.
Now walk like an exotic big cat who's looking for a mate.
One, two, three Margo, how is life? Are you all right? Yes, I'm amazing.
Now you're frightening me.
Come on, Roger! Hey He's just jealous.
Now, Spiro, as captain, you will set your field.
You'll need a slip or two, point, gully, third man, - silly mid-on -- - Silly mid-on? Yes, that's where the goat's standing.
Silly mid-off is the opposite.
The other goat's at cover.
So they stand around the grass? - Pitch, yes.
- The ball's thrown? - Well, bowled.
- And we whack it! Yes, yes.
But you're missing out on all the subtleties of the game.
Subtleties are for people with too much spare time.
- I go now.
- Yes, yes.
Sorry, Lugar.
I don't think we're ready for actual play, are we? Haven't seen my feet for six weeks.
You know you're wearing odd shoes? No! Oh, how amusing.
Well, I try my best.
And you and Hugh? As Larry might say, is it still Sense & Sensibility or are you edging towards Wuthering Heights? Did you not hear the question? Ah.
So, you know everything now.
Yes.
You get in, you get out, you shake it all about.
I've only found six players, but that's enough to win, huh? - Erm - Perhaps we should cancel the match.
No, it's all arranged.
~ Has it struck you that if Spiro wasn't married, this would look like an old-fashioned jousting match? I need to telegram Theo to come back early.
- Why? - Because without his help the Greeks will be thrashed, the British will be hated and it'll all be my fault.
Owzat! Dropped again.
Quickly, come on.
Poor.
Do ten press-ups.
On your knees.
Sven, where are you going? Hm, I'm just Larry, in.
In! Louisa, you have spawned an ogre.
- Hm.
- Take that one.
- Aagh! - Get your head in the game, Larry.
Well, thank you for playing.
You know it's supposed to be a celebration of European harmony, don't you? - Yes.
- Watch this.
See? It's lovely to see you with with your lodger.
Now switch.
Different hand.
I'm so happy for you both.
Our story is that Viggo has a woman in Naxos and a wife back in Trollhattan.
I'm sorry you have to have a story.
- Larry! - Argh! Hey! ~ Do you want to run and get it? Yep.
I'll be right there! - Sven! - Huge.
He knows it's not 'Huge', doesn't he? Yes.
You know the Swedes.
Can never resist a joke.
How are you? All the better for seeing you.
Rather nervous about this cricket.
Oh, don't be.
It's just a bit of fun.
Catch it! Who's got it? Somebody catch it! - Mine, mine, mine! - Yeah.
Well done, Sven.
Back in a circle, boys.
Larry - Henry I.
- No.
- Geoffrey.
- No such king.
- Edmund the Tiny? - You will stay behind till you've learned who succeeded William the Conqueror and all subsequent monarchs.
I know I got it wrong before, but I really do know how to win Margo over.
Oh? And what are you gonna make me do now? Dance like an elephant? No, you need to look exotic.
Get a tan.
Margo only agreed to come to Corfu so she could sunbathe.
Oh, and she loves that tanned film star.
What's his name? Alan something.
Al Jolson? Erm You don't want to kill anything, do you? You just like company.
Come on Ah! My turn to be in love.
~ ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ ~ - ~ - ~ Hello, Miss Durrells! Shall I move the horse so you can see better? Oh, no no.
I didn't want to interrupt you.
Don't worry.
It's going splendidly.
I think we're like WC Grace.
I think it's WG Grace.
I'm sorry, Spiro, I really think we ought to call off the match.
No.
Thank you.
The cavalry.
Mrs Durrell.
I received your telegram and left my conference at once.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Theo.
Oh, no.
Five days debating the thermocycle of the genus's habitation patterns are more than enough.
And when else will I have the chance to help a dear friend and save Greece's national pride? ~ - Look away, Miss Durrell.
- Oh ~ Spiro Lots to do.
You fried your face.
No.
Just a touch of sun, you know? Oh, Donald.
Sit down.
I didn't mean do it all in one day.
I used to overdo the sun, too, before I conquered my vanity.
- Oh, that's better.
- He did it for Margo.
Oh, what an absolute nitwit! I'm sorry, Mrs Durrell.
- Sven.
- Huge.
- Welcome.
- Thank you.
- Viggo.
- Viggo, welcome.
Hi.
Let's have a look here.
Let's have a look A-ha! The English secret weapon, two deep-field catchers.
- Mascots.
- Remind me, which is which? Pelican and Peli-can't.
So, you're playing, Gerry.
Hurrah! Do you bat or bowl? No.
No, what's the other one? - Field? - Yes, yes.
No, I don't do that one, either.
Theo, I really think our otter's pregnant this time.
That's so exciting! I'm sorry, Gerry.
I fear my team misunderstood my suggestion that we warm up.
~ ~ Let's hear thigh hit hands! Higher and higher thighs! Now, I want to be treated exactly like everyone else.
No fuss.
Thank you.
We have a lot to do.
Though I would like to start with a glass of bubbly.
Whatever's at hand.
Now, I have brought a trophy which I thought appropriate.
It captures the spirit of combat.
- Sven, bend more at the knees.
- Good advice.
Everyone! Bend more at the knees, as Skip says! Who are you cheering for? Greece or England? Or are you just cheering for yourself? England.
How long we have been together? Three months.
Yes.
- Right, Leslie, your turn.
- Aye-aye.
Life is short.
Time! Now, this is a game, not a war by other means.
- I agree.
- Me, too.
We're here to celebrate the fact that we as a family came here to live and we were welcomed and we love, and we feel loved, by our Greek hosts.
- Heads or tails? - Heads.
My word is final, whether I'm right or wrong.
Put it there.
You will go to prison.
Oh.
Come on, England! Everyone walking in.
~ - Line and length, Leslie.
Line and length.
- Aye-aye, Skip.
Play.
Larry! Larry, wake up! Larry! Yes! ~ - Larry, to me! - Come on, come on! Time's passing! Cup of tea, Vasilia? No.
- Howzat! - What? LBW? LB! Come on! - Yes! - No! I cleared it! - ~ - On your way, mate.
On your way.
Yes, it was plumb.
Goodbye! That is the last time I treat the British.
And the French! Get sick! Die! Sportsmanship ~ Well, that's my weekend ruined.
Such rudeness! Have my armchair sent on.
Right.
My turn.
- Wrong end.
- What? Oh, I beg your pardon.
Oh, I feel like a doctor! - Hello, Miss Durrells.
- Oh, hello.
Middle, please.
The middle? Middle of what? My car! My car! - You You did that deliberately! - Why did he sing? Start off as a predator, end up as a friend.
~ Come on! Come on! Bowl a bouncer at him.
No, I don't think so.
He's too inexperienced.
But he cheated.
He's forfeited his right to honourable treatment.
You just I love this game! I'm waiting for you! Wait.
Wait, Hugh Step back, step back, step back! Spiro? Spiro, Spiro ~ I am so sorry.
I mean, it is normal to bowl to intimidate.
Well, try that telling that to Spiro's wife and children.
~ - Spiro.
Spiro.
- Spiro? - Spiro I will kill that son of a bitch See? That's what happens when you play with what is basically a rock.
Larry, I don't want to be with you.
Well if you're erm If you're sure? Come on, everyone.
Let's not look like we're at a cantankerous wedding.
Mingle.
Come on, darling.
You come and sit with Er go sit with Yorgos over here.
There we are.
There's a good boy.
Come on.
Mingle, everyone.
That's better.
And when we return after tea, underarm bowling only.
Listen, I don't know what you're saying, but it sounds quite mean.
Oh, darling.
Oh, God.
I'm sorry, I -- Oh, sorry.
Sorry, sorry Right! I tried so hard to make this a happy day and you've ruined it! Oh! This is your fault! - Henry VIII.
- Erm Edward VI, 1547 to 1553.
- And Richard I? - Succeeded by King John, 1199 to was it 1216? Well done, Gerry.
I think we're finally getting somewhere.
I think that's the future, Thunder.
Thank you for coming.
- I I didn't want -- - I just needed to clear the air.
There's nothing worse than bad air on a small island.
No, there is.
The knowledge that you're not with the person you should be.
This is all about Vasilia.
I didn't kiss her, she kissed me so you'd see.
You're a congenital bachelor.
Let's be friends, it's just as good.
You know that's not true.
For months, I've fallen asleep with you brimming in my head.
And woken with you still there.
I I rush to see you and have to pretend I'm just casually dropping in because I don't want to frighten you away.
Beware men with silver tongues.
I mean it.
Thanks to you I am ten times the man I was when we first met.
So that's how you feel? - Shall I have my go now? - Yes.
Yes, please.
Erm You are a Prince Charming, but charm is for impressionable princesses and I'm a rather sceptical widow, I'm afraid.
You see, I need soul.
And heart.
Me, too.
That's why we need each other.
Oh, we will be magnificent together.
You are a marvel.
And I will love you and cherish your children, and never leave you.
Please be with me.
And come back with me to live in England.
Enough.
It's playtime.
- Er - Race to that buoy! No! No more competing.
What are you wearing under that? It's a swimming costume, obviously.
I was merely waiting to find a style that suited me.
Why is Donald looking so attractive? His sunburn gone brown.
- You look positively Mediterranean.
- Do I? I'm finding you rather attractive.
How superficial are you that you only say that because I've got a tan? - Eh? - I'm a complex and intelligent person.
And you should like me for that or not at all.
Mrs Durrells, your missing child.
The prodigal returns.
Time to come home.
Oh, Larry.
It's been Well, it's been actually rather easy without you being here.
Quickly, come on! Wait for me! How's your head? The doctor said that I can take it off.
But I feel like a pirate.
I'm not going to swim.
I'm not sure this is the right style for me.
But believe me when I say you would look good swimming in a floppy sack.
- You're going to get your hair wet.
- Ah The height of fashion in 1910! Careful! - In you come! - Well, I say, it's warmer Why didn't I do this before? Gerry! Hey! Gerry! Gerry! - Are you moving back in, Larry? - Yes.
I'm afraid I'll need my room.
- So you split up with Vasilia? - Yes.
Larry? Oof! I feel like one of those soldiers who prayed for the end of the war and then can't help missing it.
Hm, nice tan.
Very sexy.
Let's go play cricket.
I want to see that googly.
Bloody hell.
Haven't said how bad I feel.
The cricket was a beautiful idea and I -- - It's fine.
Really, Spiro.
- No, you're right.
We're all together in this world.
Greeks, English.
Even the Turks.
Whether you are from Corfu, Bournemouth, Chicago .
.
or the Indian Ocean, like me and my fellow pirates.
You're very special to me.
Why does Spiro harbour such animosity towards Hugh? Er because he's English and he seems arrogant.
No, Spiro adores the English and he knows Hugh's a good man.
Maybe it's because Spiro loves you.
- Utter twaddle.
- Sorry.
No, of course it is.
I just met the rose beetle man.
Do you know him? - Come back! - I'm looking for a book on how to give birth! You have to come with me.
Do you realise what you're asking me to do? - This is about Spiro, isn't it? - Keep going! Let me present the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.
I've spent the whole day just missing everything.
I think you're a bad chooser of men.
- Do you? - Mm-hm.
Hm.
Well, they're not my priority.
Even his name is wrong.
Hugh? It's not a name, it's a question.
I suspect you wouldn't be happy with whoever was trying to court me, Spiro, because you are over-protective of me and my family.
- Will you marry Hugh? - You can't ask that.
- Why not? - Because you're being indiscreet.
You know I love the British, but you make everything complicated.
We Greeks are different.
We say what's on our mind.
Important things.
Why are there no gingerbread women? Hm.
Mm! OK, OK! I'm busy.
Just give me another half hour.
Mm Always with the big entrance.
When are we getting married? Oh, that's a question? Well, in your hasty way, you forget that I never asked or even agreed to marry you.
Argh! Get off! What are you bloody doing? - Ask me to marry you.
- Is this to do with me giving you the mumps? Propose to me! No! So, what is MDXCVI? - Roman numerals, Gerry.
- No! Gerry No! Get out! Go! Go! Gerry, will you for once concentrate on your studies? There's a falcon attacking my otter.
- I don't care.
- Well, you should.
Otters are dying out on Corfu and I think she's pregnant.
You are the end.
That's it.
No more animals or I will .
.
I will beat you.
Go.
It It's obvious olive oil is the best for preserving and cooking.
Butter is is animal putrescence.
Mm! Toast with jam and oil.
I'm so boring about olive oil.
Hm, you are a bit.
You'll never guess what I have under my trousers.
Swimming trunks.
Wow - Are you coming in? - She doesn't go in the water.
- Why not? - She finds it undignified.
- She doesn't have a swimming costume.
- She has got six pairs of shoes.
Shall I answer? Come on.
Quickly, come on! Right, piggy-back, everyone.
Let's do this properly.
Come on, Margo! Come on, then.
One two three! Whoo! Ah, Larry.
How lovely.
Oh.
Let me guess what's making you look suicidal.
Hm, could it be your choice of girlfriend, perhaps? Vasilia just tried to force me into the least romantic proposal in history.
Oh, darling.
A scene as if written by PG Wodehouse in a really bad mood.
Please tell her it's over.
Oh, I will.
I've had enough.
Just waiting for the right moment.
Mm.
Or let me do it.
I'd love to.
No.
She'd kill you.
Literally.
Then throw your carcass out of the house.
Ah, nature filial.
How are you? Well, this is fun.
But Donald's ruining my life.
He's so grumpy now.
Hm.
Margo's making him suffer.
Because she's already been through unrequited love.
Well, I'm no expert but it seems to me that love's a bit of a nightmare.
Well, it can be because it's so hard to find.
But when you do, together, well, it's it's powerful and beautiful.
Thanks.
No, I'm sure that'll be useful.
I'm just off to get my pelicans.
Larry! Get in the water, man.
I'll race you.
Geronimo! Here I come! Go! Mrs Durrell.
I saw Larry.
He told me you need the parasol.
- Spiro, you are a marvel.
- I bring you shadow but nothing can put you in the shade.
Mr Halikiopoulos.
- Mr Jarvis.
- Oh, listen, do try to get on.
Yes, well, unlike women, men don't feel the need to like each other.
Nor do we.
I much prefer men.
- Oh, excellent.
- Not all men, obviously.
Men and women may be different, but there's such a bond between our two cultures.
Spiro loves the British and, well, Hugh's grandparents were Greek.
The Greeks and the British have so much in common.
- Theo would have lots of examples if he wasn't away.
- Weren't away.
Subjunctive.
We'll study that tomorrow.
The Greeks give us ancient culture and, well, this, and we give you Shakespeare and - Cricket? - Yes.
We play cricket in Corfu.
The only place in Greece.
What makes me think you're rather good at it, Spiro? If you'd like to bring us together, let's have a cricket match.
Greeks against the English.
No, because someone will win and the other team will be sad.
- It's a sport! - It'll be a friendly match.
- For charity.
- I'll be captain.
Well, all right.
As long as it's a joyful celebration of Anglo-Greek relations.
- Aah! - Aah! I will organise the cricket.
Spiro, what would we do without you? How many are there in a team? Er I don't know.
15? - Oh.
- But you said you play? No, but Hugh wanted a contest.
In Chicago, I watched baseball.
But I think cricket's rather complicated.
You hit the ball with the big stick and stop for cucumber sandwiches.
Hm? So, who's British and can play cricket? You, me and Donald.
I asked asked Captain Creech, but he said no.
And used some salty language.
- Larry? - Hopeless.
But he likes the dressing up.
Well, I know a few ex-pats, but we're still short.
Oh, as non-Greeks, what about Sven? And Sven's erm friend? Can homosexuals play sport? I think they do everything we do, Leslie.
Well, not everything.
- No.
Well, not - everything.
We must practise until we're a tight, efficient unit.
Yes, but your mother's right.
This must be a relaxed and gentlemanly contest.
I suppose so.
But if we lose to a bunch of foreigners, it'll be humiliating.
Yes.
Can't have that.
I mean, I really like Spiro, but we British invented sport.
- Yes.
I look forward to winning her.
- What do you mean "her"? - What? - You said you look forward to winning "her.
" - Winning - it.
The game.
Oh! Good evening.
Kalispera.
No, don't touch me! I have something serious to say.
And don't get angry, but -- - Your mouth is soft.
- That's normal.
- Now -- - Make it hard.
No! Now I have enjoyed our time together, but in the words of George Eliot, "Only in the agony of parting, do we look into the depths of love.
" So you're doing, how you call it, tittering? Twittering? - Wittering.
- Stop.
Eat with me.
And then we'll make love.
No.
No, I'm not going to erm Absolutely not.
No more Oh, God Hello, Countess.
Margo! Oh, how lovely.
I have missed you.
Ah.
Thank you.
You did sack me.
No! Tush, I merely asked you not to come back.
I have a favour.
My mother's arranging a cricket match between a Greek and a British team to celebrate the two cultures or something.
How intrepid.
And we hoped you'd present the trophy.
I'd be delighted.
And provide the trophy.
If you have an ornament or a spare bowl lying around We don't have a bean.
Well, we have beans, but not much else.
Oh.
Mais, bien sur.
And I will umpire the match.
- Oh.
- And I'm French, so I'm neutral.
No, it won't be that sort of match.
It's all going to be very friendly.
Oh-ho! If it's between Greece and Britain, it's not going to be friendly.
How can the hypotenuse be shorter than the side? - Does it really matter how long it is? - Yes, otherwise nothing matters.
You're only cross because you like Margo and she doesn't like you back.
It's not helping, that's for sure.
Well, all the men Margo likes are foreign.
So you should try acting more foreign.
Foreign? You know, more exotic.
- You don't think I look exotic? - Shall I bring you a mirror? - No.
Well, I've been thinking about animals - What a surprise.
- .
.
and what makes them exotic.
And it's often how they move.
For example, a very British animal like a rabbit, moves like this.
- So that's you.
- Oh.
Margo might prefer something more slinky.
Like a tiger.
- Raar - No, don't roar.
I've just had the best idea.
- Oh, dear.
- About love.
I'm a bit of an expert now Donald's in love with me.
I honestly think he'd cut his ear off for me like van Gogh.
Oh, please don't let him do that.
Though a toe could be quite fun.
Anyway what you have to do is to not tell Vasilia it's over.
Then she won't take revenge on you or us.
You just have to make her go off you.
Realistically, how can I make her go off me? I don't know.
But she does hate the opposite.
What she calls "men in slippers.
" That mealy-mouthed diffidence the English do so well.
There.
Be like that.
She'll go off you and you'll be free.
Of course an 80-year-old French woman can't umpire our cricket match! Why not? She knows the silly rules.
Games can be won or lost on an umpire's decision.
It's perfect.
She can favour the Greek team because they won't be as good as the English.
That's not how you play sport! I don't want this to become tense.
As much as I love Hugh, he can be competitive.
You love Hugh No! No! It was just a turn of phrase.
Stop looking at me like that.
Put Thunder down, Gerry.
There we are.
It turns out that Spiro can't play cricket, so you'll have to teach him, Leslie.
Well, Theo likes cricket.
He can do it.
Theo's away.
- You're very quiet, Donald.
- Sorry.
Donald's been telling me how his parents were from Brazil.
- Ah.
- Very exotic.
I thought they were from Reading.
Yes, erm the Brazilian quarter of Reading.
- Reading has a Brazilian quarter? - It's very small.
- Ah.
- But very exotic.
I hear you're very good at cricket, Donald.
Thank you.
I do have a workable googly.
Er less of that, missy.
But can I heat you up some warm milk? I know what you're trying to do.
- What? - You are scared of me so you want to become English again.
No, this is the real me.
Dull as buggery.
It is charming.
I love you more.
Are you staying with me to annoy my mother and make Hugh jealous? Let's have warm milk together.
Come in for a swim.
I know you're sweating away under there like a pig.
(Please drown.
) - Borrow one of my costumes.
- And even if I were happy to swim, your costumes are too racy.
When you were trying to look young, you wore really tight clothing.
And remember how much you hated that.
Leslie, Spiro's here for his cricket coaching.
- Come on.
- Oh, God It'll feel daft.
I shall be myself.
I don't think you should, no.
That's going terribly.
- You're only doing this for selfish reasons.
- Oh, I know.
Now walk like an exotic big cat who's looking for a mate.
One, two, three Margo, how is life? Are you all right? Yes, I'm amazing.
Now you're frightening me.
Come on, Roger! Hey He's just jealous.
Now, Spiro, as captain, you will set your field.
You'll need a slip or two, point, gully, third man, - silly mid-on -- - Silly mid-on? Yes, that's where the goat's standing.
Silly mid-off is the opposite.
The other goat's at cover.
So they stand around the grass? - Pitch, yes.
- The ball's thrown? - Well, bowled.
- And we whack it! Yes, yes.
But you're missing out on all the subtleties of the game.
Subtleties are for people with too much spare time.
- I go now.
- Yes, yes.
Sorry, Lugar.
I don't think we're ready for actual play, are we? Haven't seen my feet for six weeks.
You know you're wearing odd shoes? No! Oh, how amusing.
Well, I try my best.
And you and Hugh? As Larry might say, is it still Sense & Sensibility or are you edging towards Wuthering Heights? Did you not hear the question? Ah.
So, you know everything now.
Yes.
You get in, you get out, you shake it all about.
I've only found six players, but that's enough to win, huh? - Erm - Perhaps we should cancel the match.
No, it's all arranged.
~ Has it struck you that if Spiro wasn't married, this would look like an old-fashioned jousting match? I need to telegram Theo to come back early.
- Why? - Because without his help the Greeks will be thrashed, the British will be hated and it'll all be my fault.
Owzat! Dropped again.
Quickly, come on.
Poor.
Do ten press-ups.
On your knees.
Sven, where are you going? Hm, I'm just Larry, in.
In! Louisa, you have spawned an ogre.
- Hm.
- Take that one.
- Aagh! - Get your head in the game, Larry.
Well, thank you for playing.
You know it's supposed to be a celebration of European harmony, don't you? - Yes.
- Watch this.
See? It's lovely to see you with with your lodger.
Now switch.
Different hand.
I'm so happy for you both.
Our story is that Viggo has a woman in Naxos and a wife back in Trollhattan.
I'm sorry you have to have a story.
- Larry! - Argh! Hey! ~ Do you want to run and get it? Yep.
I'll be right there! - Sven! - Huge.
He knows it's not 'Huge', doesn't he? Yes.
You know the Swedes.
Can never resist a joke.
How are you? All the better for seeing you.
Rather nervous about this cricket.
Oh, don't be.
It's just a bit of fun.
Catch it! Who's got it? Somebody catch it! - Mine, mine, mine! - Yeah.
Well done, Sven.
Back in a circle, boys.
Larry - Henry I.
- No.
- Geoffrey.
- No such king.
- Edmund the Tiny? - You will stay behind till you've learned who succeeded William the Conqueror and all subsequent monarchs.
I know I got it wrong before, but I really do know how to win Margo over.
Oh? And what are you gonna make me do now? Dance like an elephant? No, you need to look exotic.
Get a tan.
Margo only agreed to come to Corfu so she could sunbathe.
Oh, and she loves that tanned film star.
What's his name? Alan something.
Al Jolson? Erm You don't want to kill anything, do you? You just like company.
Come on Ah! My turn to be in love.
~ ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ ~ - ~ - ~ Hello, Miss Durrells! Shall I move the horse so you can see better? Oh, no no.
I didn't want to interrupt you.
Don't worry.
It's going splendidly.
I think we're like WC Grace.
I think it's WG Grace.
I'm sorry, Spiro, I really think we ought to call off the match.
No.
Thank you.
The cavalry.
Mrs Durrell.
I received your telegram and left my conference at once.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Theo.
Oh, no.
Five days debating the thermocycle of the genus's habitation patterns are more than enough.
And when else will I have the chance to help a dear friend and save Greece's national pride? ~ - Look away, Miss Durrell.
- Oh ~ Spiro Lots to do.
You fried your face.
No.
Just a touch of sun, you know? Oh, Donald.
Sit down.
I didn't mean do it all in one day.
I used to overdo the sun, too, before I conquered my vanity.
- Oh, that's better.
- He did it for Margo.
Oh, what an absolute nitwit! I'm sorry, Mrs Durrell.
- Sven.
- Huge.
- Welcome.
- Thank you.
- Viggo.
- Viggo, welcome.
Hi.
Let's have a look here.
Let's have a look A-ha! The English secret weapon, two deep-field catchers.
- Mascots.
- Remind me, which is which? Pelican and Peli-can't.
So, you're playing, Gerry.
Hurrah! Do you bat or bowl? No.
No, what's the other one? - Field? - Yes, yes.
No, I don't do that one, either.
Theo, I really think our otter's pregnant this time.
That's so exciting! I'm sorry, Gerry.
I fear my team misunderstood my suggestion that we warm up.
~ ~ Let's hear thigh hit hands! Higher and higher thighs! Now, I want to be treated exactly like everyone else.
No fuss.
Thank you.
We have a lot to do.
Though I would like to start with a glass of bubbly.
Whatever's at hand.
Now, I have brought a trophy which I thought appropriate.
It captures the spirit of combat.
- Sven, bend more at the knees.
- Good advice.
Everyone! Bend more at the knees, as Skip says! Who are you cheering for? Greece or England? Or are you just cheering for yourself? England.
How long we have been together? Three months.
Yes.
- Right, Leslie, your turn.
- Aye-aye.
Life is short.
Time! Now, this is a game, not a war by other means.
- I agree.
- Me, too.
We're here to celebrate the fact that we as a family came here to live and we were welcomed and we love, and we feel loved, by our Greek hosts.
- Heads or tails? - Heads.
My word is final, whether I'm right or wrong.
Put it there.
You will go to prison.
Oh.
Come on, England! Everyone walking in.
~ - Line and length, Leslie.
Line and length.
- Aye-aye, Skip.
Play.
Larry! Larry, wake up! Larry! Yes! ~ - Larry, to me! - Come on, come on! Time's passing! Cup of tea, Vasilia? No.
- Howzat! - What? LBW? LB! Come on! - Yes! - No! I cleared it! - ~ - On your way, mate.
On your way.
Yes, it was plumb.
Goodbye! That is the last time I treat the British.
And the French! Get sick! Die! Sportsmanship ~ Well, that's my weekend ruined.
Such rudeness! Have my armchair sent on.
Right.
My turn.
- Wrong end.
- What? Oh, I beg your pardon.
Oh, I feel like a doctor! - Hello, Miss Durrells.
- Oh, hello.
Middle, please.
The middle? Middle of what? My car! My car! - You You did that deliberately! - Why did he sing? Start off as a predator, end up as a friend.
~ Come on! Come on! Bowl a bouncer at him.
No, I don't think so.
He's too inexperienced.
But he cheated.
He's forfeited his right to honourable treatment.
You just I love this game! I'm waiting for you! Wait.
Wait, Hugh Step back, step back, step back! Spiro? Spiro, Spiro ~ I am so sorry.
I mean, it is normal to bowl to intimidate.
Well, try that telling that to Spiro's wife and children.
~ - Spiro.
Spiro.
- Spiro? - Spiro I will kill that son of a bitch See? That's what happens when you play with what is basically a rock.
Larry, I don't want to be with you.
Well if you're erm If you're sure? Come on, everyone.
Let's not look like we're at a cantankerous wedding.
Mingle.
Come on, darling.
You come and sit with Er go sit with Yorgos over here.
There we are.
There's a good boy.
Come on.
Mingle, everyone.
That's better.
And when we return after tea, underarm bowling only.
Listen, I don't know what you're saying, but it sounds quite mean.
Oh, darling.
Oh, God.
I'm sorry, I -- Oh, sorry.
Sorry, sorry Right! I tried so hard to make this a happy day and you've ruined it! Oh! This is your fault! - Henry VIII.
- Erm Edward VI, 1547 to 1553.
- And Richard I? - Succeeded by King John, 1199 to was it 1216? Well done, Gerry.
I think we're finally getting somewhere.
I think that's the future, Thunder.
Thank you for coming.
- I I didn't want -- - I just needed to clear the air.
There's nothing worse than bad air on a small island.
No, there is.
The knowledge that you're not with the person you should be.
This is all about Vasilia.
I didn't kiss her, she kissed me so you'd see.
You're a congenital bachelor.
Let's be friends, it's just as good.
You know that's not true.
For months, I've fallen asleep with you brimming in my head.
And woken with you still there.
I I rush to see you and have to pretend I'm just casually dropping in because I don't want to frighten you away.
Beware men with silver tongues.
I mean it.
Thanks to you I am ten times the man I was when we first met.
So that's how you feel? - Shall I have my go now? - Yes.
Yes, please.
Erm You are a Prince Charming, but charm is for impressionable princesses and I'm a rather sceptical widow, I'm afraid.
You see, I need soul.
And heart.
Me, too.
That's why we need each other.
Oh, we will be magnificent together.
You are a marvel.
And I will love you and cherish your children, and never leave you.
Please be with me.
And come back with me to live in England.
Enough.
It's playtime.
- Er - Race to that buoy! No! No more competing.
What are you wearing under that? It's a swimming costume, obviously.
I was merely waiting to find a style that suited me.
Why is Donald looking so attractive? His sunburn gone brown.
- You look positively Mediterranean.
- Do I? I'm finding you rather attractive.
How superficial are you that you only say that because I've got a tan? - Eh? - I'm a complex and intelligent person.
And you should like me for that or not at all.
Mrs Durrells, your missing child.
The prodigal returns.
Time to come home.
Oh, Larry.
It's been Well, it's been actually rather easy without you being here.
Quickly, come on! Wait for me! How's your head? The doctor said that I can take it off.
But I feel like a pirate.
I'm not going to swim.
I'm not sure this is the right style for me.
But believe me when I say you would look good swimming in a floppy sack.
- You're going to get your hair wet.
- Ah The height of fashion in 1910! Careful! - In you come! - Well, I say, it's warmer Why didn't I do this before? Gerry! Hey! Gerry! Gerry! - Are you moving back in, Larry? - Yes.
I'm afraid I'll need my room.
- So you split up with Vasilia? - Yes.
Larry? Oof! I feel like one of those soldiers who prayed for the end of the war and then can't help missing it.
Hm, nice tan.
Very sexy.
Let's go play cricket.
I want to see that googly.
Bloody hell.
Haven't said how bad I feel.
The cricket was a beautiful idea and I -- - It's fine.
Really, Spiro.
- No, you're right.
We're all together in this world.
Greeks, English.
Even the Turks.
Whether you are from Corfu, Bournemouth, Chicago .
.
or the Indian Ocean, like me and my fellow pirates.
You're very special to me.
Why does Spiro harbour such animosity towards Hugh? Er because he's English and he seems arrogant.
No, Spiro adores the English and he knows Hugh's a good man.
Maybe it's because Spiro loves you.
- Utter twaddle.
- Sorry.
No, of course it is.
I just met the rose beetle man.
Do you know him? - Come back! - I'm looking for a book on how to give birth! You have to come with me.
Do you realise what you're asking me to do? - This is about Spiro, isn't it? - Keep going! Let me present the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.
I've spent the whole day just missing everything.