The Exes (2011) s02e05 Episode Script

All right, fellas.
Something big is going down, and I need a favor.
You got it.
As long as it doesn't involve me getting up from this couch.
I need you to go with me to a strip club.
Let me get my good glasses.
So what's up, Stuart? You in? I don't know.
I'm as fun as the next guy, you know, but a gentlemen's club on a weeknight? What are we? Charlie Sheen? Stuart, this is important to me.
I'm trying to sign this fighter, and I got a tip he's going to be there.
Why don't you just go with Haskell? 'Cause I gotta look like I'm hanging with my crew.
If it's just me and Haskell, it would look like one of us was court ordered to hang with the other.
I don't know.
Come on, Stuart.
Tommy Dunbar's one of the top mixed martial arts fighters in the world.
Signing him would be a real game changer.
I think I know what the problem is.
We're in the presence of a strip club virgin.
No, no, no.
Not even close.
My bachelor party was that one, and it got so wild, that my ex, Lorna, had to drive me home.
Dude, your wife was at your bachelor party? Well, it was only fair.
I mean, she organized the whole thing, so Oh, my God! I got to get my ass to a titty bar.
We lost our homes, we lost our wives three strangers, what are we gonna do? our divorce lawyer said she'll put a roof over our head yeah, she came to our rescue she's where we go when our hearts are broken where we turn when we finally learn we lost the battle of the sexes just call us the exes - Oh.
- Hi, hi.
Hi, Eden.
What a nice surprise.
You want another nice surprise? Check these out.
Wow.
If I'm ever in a car accident, I want you on my lap.
They're amazing, aren't they? If I'd known they were going to balloon up like this, I would have gotten pregnant, done this surrogate thing years ago.
Try to look away.
I dare you.
Oddly, I cannot.
They literally stop men in their tracks.
These babies are like stun guns.
Pow, pow, pow! Well, I'm glad to see the maternal instincts have finally kicked in.
Anyway, I was at the bra store, like I am every day, because they don't stop growing, and I found something that's going to change your life.
A bra? That's it? You got me a bra? It's not just any bra.
This little miracle of science uses the same lift technology that was originally developed to transport whales.
And with it, you too can have a pair of man magnets.
Sweetie, I have a man magnet.
It's called my brain.
That's funny.
Isn't it, guys? Oh, right.
There are none here.
Come on, Holly.
Stop over-thinking everything.
For once, leave your brain at home.
Put it on, push 'em up, and let's go have some fun! Oh, all right.
Give me that thing.
Maybe it is time to let these shut-ins out.
I mean, even prisoners get yard time.
Uh, ahem.
Isn't this a little close to the stage? I sat front row for Wicked.
It was a nightmare.
I see the little lecture in the cab didn't take.
Have some respect.
There's a show on.
Shake it! Bounce it! Now back it up.
All right, now look.
When Tommy gets here, I'm going to send over some champagne.
He'll probably call me over.
That's when I go in for the kill.
Now this is the most important part, and I can't stress this enough.
You two Stay here.
Relax, Phil.
We're not going to do anything to embarrass you.
Excuse me, miss.
Does the gift shop sell key chains? Three beers please.
You know, she's really very talented.
Uh-huh.
Those are some very difficult moves.
Why don't you show her your appreciation? Of course.
Excuse me, miss.
Miss? That was lovely.
Thank you.
Oh, Stuart.
Let me show you how it's done.
Watch and learn, baby.
Watch and learn.
All right, lady, I hope you got an umbrella.
'Cause daddy gonna make it rain! And keep that umbrella out, 'cause it's turning into a downpour.
You guys happy? You totally covered up my $20.
Excuse me.
Miss.
He's here.
Tommy's here.
Everybody be cool.
Okay, just stand there for a second and let the power of the breasts fill the room.
Oh, my God, it's working.
So what do we do now? We buy some drinks? Buy? Oh, my God, that is so "B" cup! All right, we've got too much firepower in one area.
You take the bar.
Now just smile, look pretty, and let the girls do the work.
All right, ladies.
It's go time.
Hello.
How are you? Nice to see you.
Hi.
I like your shirt.
How are you? - Excuse me.
- Oh.
Would you-- would you care to sit down? Oh, that would be lovely.
Thank you very much.
Well, you are quite welcome.
It's really crowded here tonight, huh? Yeah.
Usually I stop by after my late class.
I have no problem finding a seat at the bar.
By the way, I'm--I'm Edward.
- I'm Holly.
- Hi.
So you're a teacher? Yes, I teach English lit at Columbia University.
Wow.
Every time I say it, it sounds like I'm bragging.
Well, I went to Columbia law school, and I am bragging.
You're funny.
Hmm, okay, so here's a question I bet no one ever asks you.
Who's your favorite author? Oh, I got to say Dickens.
Hmm.
I love the way he became an advocate for the poor and dispossessed.
Yes, yes, you just don't see that kind of compassion nowadays.
Hey, baby.
Can I buy you a drink? Take a walk into traffic.
All right, all right.
Easy now.
- Let's get you to the couch.
- Hey, ah, ah.
I'm fine.
Totally fine.
Whoa! Buddy, easy there.
The E.
R.
doctor said you're going to be okay.
You just have a mild concussion.
All right.
When are we going to the strip club? We already went.
But we had to leave 'cause someone took a stripper shoe to the head.
Way to go, Haskell.
I told you we should've stashed him in the champagne room and finish watching the show.
We missed the nude salute to our troops.
Okay, Stuart needs a nappy.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No nappy, no nappy.
The doctor says you have to stay up for 24 hours just to be safe.
We should watch him in shifts.
That's a good idea.
Well, look, I got to track down Tommy before another agent gets his hooks in him.
So how about you take the first shift, I'll take the second? I'll take one too.
I don't mind watching Stuart.
I don't care how your night went.
Mine was better.
I met this great guy.
He's an English professor at Columbia University.
We just had such a deep connection that I actually saw an entire life with him.
I envisioned lazy Sunday mornings reading The Times' book review, and taking our twin labs for a walk, Zelda and F.
Scott, maybe.
What? Have those been living across the hall all this time? I'm Phil.
This is Haskell.
We your neighbors.
Stop talking to my breasts.
It's just a stupid bra Eden got me.
You guys are ruining my moment.
I've really met someone special.
Well, if you were serving those up, I bet you did.
Oh.
No, no.
Edward's not like that.
He's witty and erudite.
He actually asked me for dinner tomorrow night because he enjoyed my company.
He never once checked out my boobs.
No, you never once caught him checking out your boobs.
Exactly.
Thousands of years of evolution have perfected men's eyes to the point that they can pull off the no-look look.
I am looking at your breasts right now.
So wait, you guys think that the only reason Edward's interested in me is 'cause of my cleavage? Tell them they're wrong, Stuart.
Tell them that there are men out there with a more refined sensibility.
Great show, baby.
There you go.
Hi-hi! Just came by for an outfit check before your date with Edward.
So when are you getting dressed? I-I am dressed.
Oh, no, no, no.
Where are the boobs I got you? In my bedroom.
Look, I need to know that Edward likes me for me, not just 'cause I slapped on a pair of double "D"s.
You just want to die alone, don't you? Well, I am not gonna let you.
Forget it, Eden.
I'm not wearing that bra.
You are.
You hooked him with those things.
You can't just taken them away all at once.
You need to reduce your cup size gradually.
Otherwise, he'll go into boob shock.
All right, give it to me.
That a girl.
What are you doing? I'm going to end this insane discussion.
I can't even believe I let you talk me into it in the first place.
You literally just threw your future out the window.
But you'll be fine.
Somebody's got to be the crazy old lady who scares kids at Halloween.
What does she know? Hello.
Yeah, hi, Edward.
Yeah, that's-- that's the right address.
Okay.
I'll see you in a little while.
Bye.
My God, what have I done? Mm.
Ah! I'm up.
I'm up.
A few more hours, you can finally go to sleep.
Ooh.
Time for your painkillers.
Oh, Haskell! I need your help.
Ah, sorry, Holly, I can't.
It's my turn to watch Stuart, and I can't leave his side.
I need your help to find my bra.
Phil! I'm going out! Oh, which bra is it? Pink Lacey with the front hooks or old blacky? Wow.
You--you nickname my bras? Well, just those two and twin peaks.
I'm kind of in a hurry.
Edward's on his way over, and I stupidly threw my bra out the window.
I'm on it.
And Holly? Thank you.
How you feeling, Stuart? Where'd your boobies go? The booby monster took them.
All right, great.
All right, Tommy, yes.
Yeah, I'll meet you at that bar in ten minutes.
Perfect.
Bye.
- Hey, Stuart.
- Hmm? That fighter I've been trying to sign finally agreed to meet me.
It's gonna happen, baby! Yeah.
It's time for your pills.
Where's Haskell? A bra flew out the window, and Haskell went out to get it.
How hard did that woman kick you? No.
Stuart, Stuart, Stuart, Stuart.
Wow, you're in no condition to be here by yourself.
But I can't take you out like this.
You might fall and crack your head open.
Hmm.
Only got one choice.
Perfect, now you're good.
Let's go.
Hang on, hang on, hang on.
Before we go, I just have to call my dad and tell him I made the team.
Oh, great, Haskell.
Huh? Oh.
Hi, Edward.
Come on in.
Hey, it's great to see you, Holly.
So I, uh, I brought you a present since we were talking about Dickens.
Yeah, one of my favorites.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
That's very thoughtful of you.
Shall we get going? They're holding a table for us over at Pete's Tavern.
Oh, fantastic.
I just-- I can't just yet.
I'm waiting for a delivery from my office.
- Are you okay? - Huh? - You--you seem different.
- Different? A little tense? Kind of the way you're holding your body? I couldn't be more relaxed.
Oh, I--I'm loose.
Loose as a goose.
Loosey-goosey.
Thank God.
There it is.
I'll just be a minute.
Okay, may I use your restroom? Yeah, yeah.
Down the hall to the right.
Look at what I found.
Haskell, you're my hero! I had to wrestle it away from a burly drag queen.
I took one look in his eyes, and he knew I wanted it more.
- Go away.
Bye-bye.
- You-- Thanks.
Haskell They're lopsided! What the hell happened? Look, the underwire's all bent.
You gotta help me bend it back.
Right here.
- It won't budge.
- Just keep--keep bending it.
Just do it.
Holly? You must be Edward.
I've heard good things.
Here's the real me.
The real you is nice.
Very nice.
Thank you for understanding, Edward.
I just shouldn't have even worn that thing in the first place.
God, we're all so caught up in physical appearances, you know.
It's so superficial when it's what's inside that matters.
I couldn't agree with you more.
Yeah.
Hey, we put on this facade, pretending to be something we're not.
Mm-hmm.
Holly, you have inspired me.
This ends now.
Well, look at you down there.
It's--it's so freeing.
Yeah.
Speaking of which.
Ah.
My drink is fizzy.
Ah, it tickles.
- Great.
Tommy's here.
- Oh.
All right, just sit down here, and be cool.
All right, wish me luck.
Okay, luck, luck, lucky-y-y-y-y-y.
Hey, Tommy.
Phil Chase.
Nice to finally meet you, man.
Uh-huh.
Can I buy you a drink? Got one.
So let's hear it.
Go.
Right, right.
Absolutely.
You're a busy man.
All right, look.
I want to expand your brand outside the ring.
I'm talking endorsements, video games, movies, because this is a face that should be on the screen.
Yeah, you're moving kind of fast.
You're working me.
I don't like that.
Well, I only did that because you said get to it.
So now you're arguing with me? No, no.
No.
Tommy, I'd never do that, man.
Look, I feel like we've gotten off on the wrong foot.
The last thing I want to do is make you angry.
Tommy.
Oh, God, no.
So So, Phil This is Tommy, huh? Tommy, the tough guy? Tommy, Tommy, Tommy-y-y-y-y-y-y-y.
You know this guy? Oh, yeah, we're--we're besties, biatch.
This--this is Stuart.
I'm taking care of him.
He doesn't know what he's doing.
Oh, oh.
Your head is fuzzy.
It's good.
This is nice.
He's fuzzy like a bunny, like a bunny rabbit.
Oh, oh, oh, Stuart.
No.
I am so sorry, man.
You don't have to apologize to me.
I have a cousin with special needs just like Stuart here.
You--you think-- Right, right, just like Stuart here.
I'm a dentist.
Sure, you are, buddy.
Last week, he thought he was an astronaut.
So what brought Stuart into your life? Fate.
Yeah, he needed a place to stay.
I took him in.
I gave him a house.
He gave me a home.
You know, I respect that, man.
In fact, I've been wanting to set up a foundation, maybe start a summer camp for people like my cousin and Stuart.
Mmm, mmm.
Look here.
Look here, man.
You sign with me, we'll do that and more.
A lot of slick agents out there.
But you got heart.
Let's do this.
You got it, Tommy.
Nice to meet you, Stuart.
You too, Tommy.
Mwah.
You keep reaching for the stars, little buddy.
Stuart, you drugged up son of a bitch, you did it.
Oh, look at that.
Your 24 hours are up.
- Oh.
- You can sleep now.
Okay, night-night.
Night, night, buddy.