The Fall Guy (1981) s02e05 Episode Script
Mighty Myron
(FINGERS SNAPPING) COLT: # Well, I'm hot the kind to kiss and tell But I've been seen with Farrah # I've never been with anything less than a nine, so fine! # I've been on fire with Sally Field Gone fast with a girl named Bo # But somehow they just don't end up as mine # It's a death-defying life I lead I take my chances # I die for a livin' in the movies and TV # But the hardest thing I ever do is watch my leading ladies # Kiss some other guy while I'm bandaging my knee # I might fall from a tall building I might roll a brand-new car # 'Cause I'm the unknown stuntman that made Redford such a star (FINGERS SNAPPING) # I've never spent much time in school But I taught ladies plenty # It's true I hire my body out for pay # Hey, hey # I've gotten burned over Cheryl Tiegs Blown up for Raquel Welch # But when I wind up in the hay It's only hay # Hey, hey # I might jump an open drawbridge Or Tarzan from a vine # 'Cause I'm the unknown stuntman that makes Eastwood look so fine # (PEOPLE LAUGHING) Excuse me.
- Oh, it's just exquisite.
- Thank you.
I must confess, I've been looking from across the room.
- Thank you very much.
- You're welcome.
Oh, I love your necklace.
- It's just beautiful.
- Thank you.
You're welcome.
That's a beautiful bracelet.
(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING) (GASPING) My necklace! This is Ned.
Secure all exits.
Power out.
Right! Come, Myron, come.
(GRUNTING) Good boy.
Go! Quiet! Quiet, everyone! Now, we're gonna secure the grounds and everyone is gonna be searched, so stay right where you are.
MAN".
Mr Seavers, you're supposed to be the best.
Can't you out-drive a van? He's got a little lead, but I think I can catch up to him.
COLT".
It ain't easy chasing someone through rush hour traffic.
I'm about to get the jump on him.
You might say I'm on top of the situation now.
- Nice job, Colt.
- Thanks.
Beginner, huh? A beginner? I've been driving vans since you were too young to take rides in them.
Still am, from guys like you.
I'm sure glad that one's over.
Yeah.
And wait till you hear about your next gig.
Do you want to translate that? I forgot to tell you.
Terri called and I told her you were available.
You what? Without asking me first? I'm handling his business affairs, you know.
- Okay.
So now I'm asking you.
- And the answer is no.
Howie, you're gonna make me look stupid.
Terri said it was a really simple job.
With Terri, everything is simple, easy or a piece of cake and it always turns out to be a back breaker! Yeah.
So, it's Colt's back.
So why don't we let him decide? Because it's my job to look out for him.
- Oh, well, I'm really impressed.
- HOWIE: You should be.
Hey, hey, never mind.
Well, when you get it settled, would you call me at home? I'll be soaking in the hot tub.
You know, you're not the only one who can make a decision around here.
I was trained in business management.
You had too many high falls.
Your brains are rattled! (COLT LAUGHING) TERRI: Howie, a commitment's a commitment.
HOWIE: Sure, if I committed.
TERRI: One, two, three! TERRI: That's how simple it's gonna be, Howie.
- Simple? Did you hear that, Jody? Terri's favorite word after "help" is "simple".
Yes, Howie, how can I forget anything you say? - Colt, you decide.
- I just did.
Turn my sound back up.
No, I'm serious.
Listen, do you remember that story about a high society party that was robbed last month? - A what? - Yeah.
I read about it in the paper.
They never completely figured it out.
JODY: They searched the grounds, the guests, everything.
It was a mystery.
Right.
Well, there was this guy that tried to hock some of the jewelry from the party and was caught.
He was an animal trainer, a good risk, no priors.
So, I bailed him out.
Good.
I'll bet the animals just loved you for it.
Well, his girlfriend, Bryna, did.
She was the one who called me.
Oh, good.
Love wins.
End of story.
Now, would you turn the sound back up? Colt, you know better than that.
Ed Catcher never showed up in court.
What do you want me to do? Go get him? Listen, he's a small guy.
He's a twerp! It's an easy one.
Besides, it's a Bib-mile trip to the boonies.
You get to go to a carnival, have fun.
She changed "simple" to "easy".
It's the same meaning.
And earn 1,000 bucks while you're eating cotton candy.
There's nothing like cotton candy.
You always sneak in on people like a lizard? Bryna, how could you? I can't believe it.
This isn't the movies, Ed.
Don't get dramatic.
Everyone in this carnival must be laughing at me.
I've let you talk me into becoming a thief! - Not you, Ed.
Your pet, Myron.
- I got arrested for you.
I spent I ® days in jail.
You got arrested for pawning a stolen ring! I bailed you out, didn't I? I was surprised you didn't Leave me in there to rot.
Maybe I would have, if I didn't think you'd spill out your guts about that party.
And maybe I should have got a lawyer and made a deal to give back the jewelry.
Over $300,000? Are you sure you meant to say that, Ed? Sure! Why not? I haven't got any more to lose or anyone to protect.
Just one thing, Ed.
One last thing.
Give me a quarter, will you, Colt? Come on, you gotta be serious.
These things are rigged.
Don't be such a cynic.
You probably get your kicks hanging out in front of grade schools telling little kids there isn't any Santa Claus.
Howie, the bottom bottle is nailed down.
HOWIE: No, it's not.
Give me a quarter.
Here.
Probably rusty nails.
Here is your panda.
Come on, we're getting paid by the hour to find an animal trainer.
Which, by the way, is gonna take some very careful handling.
(APE SCREAMING) Hey, don't go in there! He killed that guy! Wait a minute, Colt! Put that down.
I studied animal husbandry, saw all the documentaries.
Here, boy! Friend! Back, Kong! Back! Back! He bit me, Colt! He bit me! I think the stool was a better idea.
Ease around behind him, kid.
COLT: That's a piece of cake! I got him! HOWIE: Colt! Get him off me! (MYRON GRUNTING) (SIRENS WAILING) You okay, kid? - That animal's mean, Colt.
- He must've got a hold of a bad banana.
Look.
Neck's broke.
SHERIFF: Okay, which one of you two guys done this? COLT: I'm telling you, the ape did it.
Ed! Ed! - Oh, God, no! - All right, folks, outside, please.
Would you help me, miss? Come on.
It's okay.
It's okay.
You know the dead man? Yeah.
He's Ed Catcher, Myron's trainer.
SHERIFF: Bad way to go.
Killed by a gorilla.
Any idea why he went crazy? Well, Myron's been acting bad the last few days.
Irritable.
Kind of vicious, like something was wrong with him.
- Sick? - Yeah.
- Maybe something like rabies? - Rabies? HOWIE: Rabies! Witnesses say Myron was foaming at the mouth.
But rabies! I'll have to get shots! From what I know about rabies, those shots are painful.
How painful? A few years back, I had me an Indian deputy named Yellow Tongue.
Good man.
Afraid of nothing.
Got bitten in the ankle, toy poodle.
Rabies.
- Well, what happened? - Don't know.
He took one look at that needle they gonna shove in his stomach - Stomach? - Took off! He get rabies, too? No one knows for sure.
But folks up in the hills say they saw Yellow Tongue running through the forest, howling at the moon.
I never saw him again.
Colt, you gotta help me out of this.
Okay, okay, relax.
just don't stand so close.
Colt! Look, I don't want to see you have to take those shots, either.
- We gotta find that ape.
- SHERIFF: You got one more problem.
With this bunch looking to blow him up, there may not be enough left of Myron to test for infection.
- We have to take him alive? - SHERIFF: Yup.
The whole autopsy could take days, son.
- Oh, Colt! - Relax, kid.
We'll take him alive.
We got guys out combing the hills.
They got guns.
And they gotta protect their families.
They don't take kindly to gorillas busting in their houses, snapping their necks.
My main concern is they don't end up shooting each other.
How much time we got? Your friend there has got about a day and a half before his first rabies shot, but if we take the ape alive, he may not have to have those painful treatments.
Dead, and youâre just gonna have to go ahead with that long needle.
Looks to me like I got about two hours before this bunch goes berserk.
(SIGHING) Howie, we're gonna find it.
You don't think we can handle it, cowboy? - Colt Seavers is the name.
- I am Hugo.
I work as the strong man at the carnival.
Ed was a close friend of mine and I want to see that ape dead! Well, I feel real bad about your friend, but I've got a friend that's got a vested interest in seeing that monkey's brought back alive.
And I have a revenge that wants it dead.
I'm offering a $5,000 reward.
I'll add another 1,000 if it's brought back alive.
I don't think that will change their minds.
They're in a killing mood.
They don't want an infected ape running loose.
I can appreciate that feeling.
That's a lot of money for a circus strongman.
Maybe I have a rich aunt.
Yeah.
Well, maybe they're aiming at the wrong ape.
I just don't understand what happened.
I mean, why would Myron do what he did? Could Myron have had rabies? I don't know.
Apes pick up a Lot of strange diseases.
Colt, you know how hard it's gonna be to track down that gorilla? Yeah, but no harder than any of the others we've had to track down.
They sure weren't kidding when they said he was strong.
Yeah! Strange though.
Look at the way that thing is bent.
And that scrub oak.
The only patch of scrub oak I know around here is about 12 miles away.
It could be he likes the woods.
This might be a clue.
Well, if we don't find Myron, we can always chop some firewood.
Here, take this and bring your friend.
That gorilla might just take to him.
HOWIE: Well, how do you know these are the ape tracks? COLT: I studied up on them before I got turned down on the last Eastwood picture.
HOWIE: Oh! I am tired.
Is that a symptom? COLT: Only on being out of condition.
Didn't you learn anything in school? We didn't study rabies.
Ask me about malaria or pellagra or beriberi! I had a year of tropical diseases at Duke, you know.
- Did you pass? - I got an incomplete.
Well, I got the flu and missed the final.
(MYRON GROANING) I hear something.
Now, just relax with that tranquilizer gun.
We only got one shot and we may need it.
Great! We're after a man killer and I'm on safari with the Salvation Army.
- Yeah, well, take a look around.
- I've got you covered from here.
(MYRON SCREAMING) Colt! - Give him your duck.
- Duck? Unless you want to give him your other arm.
HOWIE: He's shaking his head.
I don't think he wants the duck.
Throw it to him anyway.
I told you, Colt.
He didn't want it.
Am I crazy or does he have a curve? He ain't crazy.
Give him your panda.
(KISSING LOUDLY) This guy's as tame as a pup! That's very cute, but let's not forget that he killed a man.
Youâre just upset because he likes your panda.
I don't believe this, Colt! I'm the human! Hey, you wonât jump out.
I'm not about to lose this one.
How do you know I won't jump? Howie, at least be happy this guy looks like he doesn't have rabies.
It could've been worse.
Looks like and doesn't are two different things.
Please, just keep driving for that veterinarian.
Here you go, boy.
- Now, this is humiliating.
That's my drink.
- It's just a sip, Howie.
What's the matter with your hand there? Something wrong with his hand.
Seems to be slightly crippled.
He was more than likely born with a handicap.
Being brought up in captivity he never had to use it, as in defending himself or getting food.
- But killing a man? - Oh, I've never seen a more gentle animal in 10 years of veterinarian work.
Orangutans are timid animals, introverts by nature.
I've never heard of one becoming violent.
As far as snapping a man's neck With a right hand like that, I don't think he'd be able to.
- And Hugo wanted him killed.
- What? Look, are you sure about the rabies? I mean, absolutely? If I weren't, do you think I'd be standing this close to him? Well, then what are we going to do with him? Well, if we turn him in, they're gonna kill him.
I can't keep him here.
Take him home.
- Home? - Sure.
This guy'll be easy to keep.
They like bananas and a lot of affection.
Back home it is.
This is Mad Dog.
Any sign of those two city boys? MAN".
Haven't come this way.
Ain't seen a thing.
Hey, this is Fleetfoot.
I got them in my sights and he's heading over your way, Jake.
My jacket! And now my cap! Colt, I'm never going to get the hair out of them.
Kid, you hurt his feelings.
Besides, we gotta keep him disguised.
Where's your sense of dedication? They just passed me on Highway 16.
The ape's in the truck with them city boys.
Remember, we get $5,000 reward for killing that ape.
I'm in pursuit.
Request all assistance.
He just drove off the crossroads and I'll be right behind him.
Get down, kid! Pull over! Pull over immediately! Pull over, cowboy! This is a warning! Pull over with that ape! 1 got him dead to rights! (LAUGHING) Hey, Gary, see if you can cut him off.
Gotcha! He's disappeared, you two! Close off the river and I'll see if I can flush him out.
Hey, I think I found him! These guys are crazy! MAN".
We gotta get more organized, boys.
- You got that river crossing cut, Mad Dog? - Sure do, Redneck! (EXCLAIMING) The jewels are missing, Hugo.
I swear to you, I know nothing about it.
- Got a little greedy, huh? - You have got to believe me.
- I did not do it! - Who else could or would? I don't know.
But, please, Bryna, why would I do that? Look! Look! Hair! Orangutan hair! You see? Myron took them! He took the jewels! Oh, I don't believe it! That's what Ed trained him to do.
We have to catch Myron alive now.
I can't get him to show us where the jewels are if he's dead.
I convinced everyone that Myron killed Ed.
How do we switch that around now? We just need Myron long enough to find the jewels, then we'll make ourselves heroes by killing him ourselves.
That Seavers guy has Myron.
We almost had them on the road.
Well, we'll just have to find Seavers first.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR) Well, it's about time.
What's with half a dress? I was in the middle of one of the best dates I've had all year.
Big fancy cocktail party.
But, no! Colt calls.
And who does he call to rent a motel room and stay up all night? - Jody! Good old no-social-Life Jody.
- It was an emergency.
What kind of emergency gets me out to Tooleyville at 1:00 in the morning? Howie's got himself engaged.
- What's that? - That is a Myron.
- Say hello to the lady, Myron.
- Keep it away.
Sit down.
What exactly is going on? It's a long story and Myron's part of it.
Wait a minute.
I didn't want onions.
Does yours have cheese? Yeah, wait a minute, that's mine.
That's yours.
What did I do wrong? - What does he want? - He likes you.
Fine.
Tell him I already have a date.
Hey! He's taking my earring.
Make him give it back.
- Colt? - Yeah, Howie.
I know what you're thinking.
Yeah.
I'm thinking I'm lopsided.
Can I have my earring back? Son of a gun! Myron really is a crook.
Yeah, but not a killer.
Excuse me, Sherlock and Watson, I still might be able to patch things up with my date and get some breakfast, so can I go? SHERIFF:".
Colt Seavers! This is Sheriff Taylor! Come on out with your hands up.
Well, there goes breakfast.
We don't want any trouble.
just bring that gorilla out nice and easy.
For somebody who don't want no trouble, he sure brought a lot of potential.
Seavers, you're already harboring a fugitive.
That's bad enough.
1 don't want you or your friend to get hurt on top of that.
(sum FIRES) (EXCLAIMING) - What's with him? - I think he wants to surrender.
Look, we're gonna need your help, Jody.
- How? - Guess.
- What? - I want you to distract those men.
- Come on, kid, give me a hand.
- Boy, Colt, you're gonna owe me for this.
Yeah, well, stall them as long as you can.
- Weâll call you when we're safe.
- Where're you going? To prove the cliché about paper thin walls.
SHERIFF: Okay, Seavers, you got' 30 seconds before we star? shooting the? door down.
(SPUTTERING) Do you mind? 1 mean it! You got 25 seconds! I'm sorry, folks.
You see, the door to his room was locked and we got to get him to the hospital right away.
You see, his wife's expecting.
He's expecting a second child.
The first one didn't come out too good, so he thinks he ought to be there this time.
He's aged 10 years in this ordeal.
Here, put this on him, kid.
S H E RI F F: Sea vars! Your time 's running out! In 15 seconds I'm gonna come in shooting! 1 don't want you or your friend to have to get hurt.
I mean, as worried as he is, we wouldn't want him to catch his death, now, would we, folks? So we're gonna borrow the coat a little bit.
This should cover it.
You have a nice vacation.
My patience is wearing mighty thin, Seavers.
You've got 10 seconds.
Five, four, three Don't shoot! It's a new dress.
Are you alone, Miss? Alone? I hope so.
I was gonna take a bath.
Step inside, miss.
You didn't happen to see a gorilla, did you? Jeez, Sheriff, I've dated some creepy guys, but a gorilla? No.
I'm talking about a real gorilla.
(ENGINE STALLING) - The old rotor gag.
- All right, boys.
That's it.
It won't start without the rotor or with buckshot in the driver.
Hands up and dismount! A good stuntman knows when it's a wrap.
Come on.
Spread them, Seavers.
Frisk them, johnny.
Sheriff, there ain't no reason to shoot anybody, especially Myron, he's the nicest one here.
Can't prove it by his past.
Mister, get yourself out of the way.
- So you can kill Myron? -What's keeping him alive for? Sheriff, he's as gentle as a baby.
Any way you can prove to me he's harmless? Humiliation is one thing.
Cold is another! You think you got complaints? There's an ordinance against three in a cell, you know.
Colt Seavers.
I send you out on a simple job and I end up bailing you out with a gorilla.
First, Myron is an orangutan, second, your job is simple because Ed Catcher's dead and your bail will be recovered, and third, I ain't in no mood for jokes.
I know.
I heard about Ed.
I'm sorry.
I kind of liked him.
And I do apologize to you, Myron.
He accepts.
I don't.
Well, I suppose you three want me to bail you out, huh? - What about me? - Oh, I was including you, Howie.
You can deduct the cost of bail from my fee.
Fee? What fee? When you arrived, Ed Catcher was already dead, and unless you want to admit to the murder, you did nothing to help catch him.
Look, I don't have time to argue with you, Terri.
And even if I recover the jewels, you'll get no part of the reward.
Reward? I'll consider renegotiating at a later date.
Remind me to send her a thank you note.
Let's go, Seavers.
Kid! Well, what about Myron? Justice ordered the vet here in the morning and they'll put him to sleep.
Regardless of the fact that he doesn't have rabies? - The dead man died of a broken neck.
- What makes you think Myron did it? - He's got a crippled hand, you know.
- And three that work.
- He deserves a fair trial.
- An ape? Look, Seavers, I admit Myron's friendly enough, but we got regulations in this state.
Gotta be put to sleep.
I forgot for a minute he's an animal, but it just doesn't make much sense to kill him.
It's not open to debate.
You did your job, you found him.
Be thankful you and the kid didn't get hurt.
Don't worry, Myron, everything will be all right.
I wouldn't lie to him, kid.
Goodbye, Myron.
HOWIE: Don't worry, Myron.
We'll get you out of this somehow.
We won't let you down.
Come on, Myron, say something.
(SPUTTERING) They're gonna kill him, Colt.
There's nothing we can do about it.
I know.
- Myron's innocent.
- Yeah.
We'll never get a jury of his peers together in time.
It's just too simple.
Too clean.
Do you remember the Planet of the Apes, Colt? I always liked the orangutans.
Yeah, me, too.
They were the doctors.
Do you think Myron would like a beer? Or maybe just some company? I would if I was a condemned man.
Did you have to say that, Colt? Sorry, kid.
Let's go bust him out instead.
Yeah! Come here, Myron.
Here, boy.
Come here, boy.
That's a good boy.
- Good boy.
- We're gonna get you out of here, Myron.
- Take the bars.
- Shake! Shake! Shake them, Myron.
- Shake them! - Together we can do it.
Yes, ma'am, I will.
Seavers! Excuse me.
- Where do you think you're going? - Hey, you just relax now, Sheriff.
We're here to restate facts and offer cast iron evidence.
But while you're listening, I want you to remember the look in Myron's eyes.
- Shake! Shake! - Shake! Good boy! Good boy, Myron! Yeah, my third wife, Ramona, had a look just like that.
(CRASHING) Thanks for calling! Colt, it's Myron! COLT: It's those two from the carnival! Why would they come back here, Colt? Well, I bet they got a damn good reason.
- BRYNA: They could be anywhere.
- I hear them.
BRYNA: The ape was loose for almost a day and a half.
You have to be patient.
He needs to be worked with.
HUGO: He's got half a million worth of jewels and you want to play cuddle with him? I will show you how we do it.
Let me have two minutes with him.
Hey.
HOWIE: This guy's a strongman! COLT: Don't worry, kid, I can handle him.
I think we just stumbled in on our killer.
Yeah, but he's on the wrong side of the bars.
Let me have two minutes in there with them.
Aren't the animals supposed to be on this side of the bars, Colt? It will be a great pleasure twisting your necks.
Real easy with all the practice you've had.
Hugo.
Oh, you order him around just like that other ape, huh? There's only one problem, Bryna.
If you kill us, who's gonna lead you to the jewels? Myron.
You forget, he listens to me, too.
(MYRON GRUNTING) If he knew where they were hidden.
Give it up, Seavers.
Stop stalling.
Just trying to make a trade.
- I will shut them up.
- What kind of trade? Our lives for the jewels.
That's right.
Myron gave them to us and we hid them.
I don't believe you.
Hey, if we're lying, you can check it out pretty quick.
If we're telling the truth, we saved us a lot of death and you a lot of trouble.
You can take the kid, here.
He can show you where they're hidden.
And then, when you find them, let him go, he comes back, let us out.
We go on our way.
Everybody'll be happy.
Just what makes you so sure we wouldn't kill you and your friend here after we got the jewels? I'm not, but it sure beats going three rounds with your gorilla.
Okay, let the kid out.
But, Colt, you're the one who buried them.
Come, Myron.
Take him to the shack where we found Myron.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I'll be all right.
Myron.
Just to make sure.
Move! If you're lucky, Seavers, this is goodbye.
You and me again, huh, Myron? Come on, Myron.
Come on.
Here, grab a hold.
Come here, now.
Come on! Shake it! Shake it! Good boy! Shake! (WOMAN SCREAMING) - Hi, there.
- What in the hell I'm sorry to bust in on you like this.
It's just that I'm in kind of a jam.
Come on, Myron, this'll do.
Hang on, Myron.
Don't worry, Myron, this is a tranquilizer gun.
It's not for you.
I am starting to think you Lied to us.
You have 20 seconds to Live.
Unless you tell me where those jewels are.
(EXCLAIMS) Get the gun! Drop the dart, Seavers, or I'll shoot your friend.
(GUNSHOT) - He saved my life, Colt.
- Yeah, I know.
He's alive! Hey, hey, hey, that's my bath water! No, it's Myron's ocean.
Tell him.
That's who I was talking to.
Why'd you answer? Well, I represent him.
I'm his agent.
Agent? Come on, Myron doesn't need an agent.
He needs a home.
Find him a zoo or get him to find the jewels for us.
He'll find both in his own good time.
Right now I'm worried about his future.
(PHONE RINGING) Here, Colt.
Play ducky with him, will you? He's trying to overcome his natural fear of the water.
Ducky? Hey, Myron, we got to have a little man to man, okay? Now, I know this tub isn't much, but you see, it's all I got.
Maybe we could enter into some sort of a partnership, huh? Hey! A favor? All right, you win.
We'll play ducky.
I did it! I got him both a home and a job! That was him on the phone.
- Who? - Clint! He called me personally, and he wants Myron for his next picture.
COLT: Clint Eastwood? I've been waiting 10 years for a picture with him and you swing a deal for Myron?
- Oh, it's just exquisite.
- Thank you.
I must confess, I've been looking from across the room.
- Thank you very much.
- You're welcome.
Oh, I love your necklace.
- It's just beautiful.
- Thank you.
You're welcome.
That's a beautiful bracelet.
(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING) (GASPING) My necklace! This is Ned.
Secure all exits.
Power out.
Right! Come, Myron, come.
(GRUNTING) Good boy.
Go! Quiet! Quiet, everyone! Now, we're gonna secure the grounds and everyone is gonna be searched, so stay right where you are.
MAN".
Mr Seavers, you're supposed to be the best.
Can't you out-drive a van? He's got a little lead, but I think I can catch up to him.
COLT".
It ain't easy chasing someone through rush hour traffic.
I'm about to get the jump on him.
You might say I'm on top of the situation now.
- Nice job, Colt.
- Thanks.
Beginner, huh? A beginner? I've been driving vans since you were too young to take rides in them.
Still am, from guys like you.
I'm sure glad that one's over.
Yeah.
And wait till you hear about your next gig.
Do you want to translate that? I forgot to tell you.
Terri called and I told her you were available.
You what? Without asking me first? I'm handling his business affairs, you know.
- Okay.
So now I'm asking you.
- And the answer is no.
Howie, you're gonna make me look stupid.
Terri said it was a really simple job.
With Terri, everything is simple, easy or a piece of cake and it always turns out to be a back breaker! Yeah.
So, it's Colt's back.
So why don't we let him decide? Because it's my job to look out for him.
- Oh, well, I'm really impressed.
- HOWIE: You should be.
Hey, hey, never mind.
Well, when you get it settled, would you call me at home? I'll be soaking in the hot tub.
You know, you're not the only one who can make a decision around here.
I was trained in business management.
You had too many high falls.
Your brains are rattled! (COLT LAUGHING) TERRI: Howie, a commitment's a commitment.
HOWIE: Sure, if I committed.
TERRI: One, two, three! TERRI: That's how simple it's gonna be, Howie.
- Simple? Did you hear that, Jody? Terri's favorite word after "help" is "simple".
Yes, Howie, how can I forget anything you say? - Colt, you decide.
- I just did.
Turn my sound back up.
No, I'm serious.
Listen, do you remember that story about a high society party that was robbed last month? - A what? - Yeah.
I read about it in the paper.
They never completely figured it out.
JODY: They searched the grounds, the guests, everything.
It was a mystery.
Right.
Well, there was this guy that tried to hock some of the jewelry from the party and was caught.
He was an animal trainer, a good risk, no priors.
So, I bailed him out.
Good.
I'll bet the animals just loved you for it.
Well, his girlfriend, Bryna, did.
She was the one who called me.
Oh, good.
Love wins.
End of story.
Now, would you turn the sound back up? Colt, you know better than that.
Ed Catcher never showed up in court.
What do you want me to do? Go get him? Listen, he's a small guy.
He's a twerp! It's an easy one.
Besides, it's a Bib-mile trip to the boonies.
You get to go to a carnival, have fun.
She changed "simple" to "easy".
It's the same meaning.
And earn 1,000 bucks while you're eating cotton candy.
There's nothing like cotton candy.
You always sneak in on people like a lizard? Bryna, how could you? I can't believe it.
This isn't the movies, Ed.
Don't get dramatic.
Everyone in this carnival must be laughing at me.
I've let you talk me into becoming a thief! - Not you, Ed.
Your pet, Myron.
- I got arrested for you.
I spent I ® days in jail.
You got arrested for pawning a stolen ring! I bailed you out, didn't I? I was surprised you didn't Leave me in there to rot.
Maybe I would have, if I didn't think you'd spill out your guts about that party.
And maybe I should have got a lawyer and made a deal to give back the jewelry.
Over $300,000? Are you sure you meant to say that, Ed? Sure! Why not? I haven't got any more to lose or anyone to protect.
Just one thing, Ed.
One last thing.
Give me a quarter, will you, Colt? Come on, you gotta be serious.
These things are rigged.
Don't be such a cynic.
You probably get your kicks hanging out in front of grade schools telling little kids there isn't any Santa Claus.
Howie, the bottom bottle is nailed down.
HOWIE: No, it's not.
Give me a quarter.
Here.
Probably rusty nails.
Here is your panda.
Come on, we're getting paid by the hour to find an animal trainer.
Which, by the way, is gonna take some very careful handling.
(APE SCREAMING) Hey, don't go in there! He killed that guy! Wait a minute, Colt! Put that down.
I studied animal husbandry, saw all the documentaries.
Here, boy! Friend! Back, Kong! Back! Back! He bit me, Colt! He bit me! I think the stool was a better idea.
Ease around behind him, kid.
COLT: That's a piece of cake! I got him! HOWIE: Colt! Get him off me! (MYRON GRUNTING) (SIRENS WAILING) You okay, kid? - That animal's mean, Colt.
- He must've got a hold of a bad banana.
Look.
Neck's broke.
SHERIFF: Okay, which one of you two guys done this? COLT: I'm telling you, the ape did it.
Ed! Ed! - Oh, God, no! - All right, folks, outside, please.
Would you help me, miss? Come on.
It's okay.
It's okay.
You know the dead man? Yeah.
He's Ed Catcher, Myron's trainer.
SHERIFF: Bad way to go.
Killed by a gorilla.
Any idea why he went crazy? Well, Myron's been acting bad the last few days.
Irritable.
Kind of vicious, like something was wrong with him.
- Sick? - Yeah.
- Maybe something like rabies? - Rabies? HOWIE: Rabies! Witnesses say Myron was foaming at the mouth.
But rabies! I'll have to get shots! From what I know about rabies, those shots are painful.
How painful? A few years back, I had me an Indian deputy named Yellow Tongue.
Good man.
Afraid of nothing.
Got bitten in the ankle, toy poodle.
Rabies.
- Well, what happened? - Don't know.
He took one look at that needle they gonna shove in his stomach - Stomach? - Took off! He get rabies, too? No one knows for sure.
But folks up in the hills say they saw Yellow Tongue running through the forest, howling at the moon.
I never saw him again.
Colt, you gotta help me out of this.
Okay, okay, relax.
just don't stand so close.
Colt! Look, I don't want to see you have to take those shots, either.
- We gotta find that ape.
- SHERIFF: You got one more problem.
With this bunch looking to blow him up, there may not be enough left of Myron to test for infection.
- We have to take him alive? - SHERIFF: Yup.
The whole autopsy could take days, son.
- Oh, Colt! - Relax, kid.
We'll take him alive.
We got guys out combing the hills.
They got guns.
And they gotta protect their families.
They don't take kindly to gorillas busting in their houses, snapping their necks.
My main concern is they don't end up shooting each other.
How much time we got? Your friend there has got about a day and a half before his first rabies shot, but if we take the ape alive, he may not have to have those painful treatments.
Dead, and youâre just gonna have to go ahead with that long needle.
Looks to me like I got about two hours before this bunch goes berserk.
(SIGHING) Howie, we're gonna find it.
You don't think we can handle it, cowboy? - Colt Seavers is the name.
- I am Hugo.
I work as the strong man at the carnival.
Ed was a close friend of mine and I want to see that ape dead! Well, I feel real bad about your friend, but I've got a friend that's got a vested interest in seeing that monkey's brought back alive.
And I have a revenge that wants it dead.
I'm offering a $5,000 reward.
I'll add another 1,000 if it's brought back alive.
I don't think that will change their minds.
They're in a killing mood.
They don't want an infected ape running loose.
I can appreciate that feeling.
That's a lot of money for a circus strongman.
Maybe I have a rich aunt.
Yeah.
Well, maybe they're aiming at the wrong ape.
I just don't understand what happened.
I mean, why would Myron do what he did? Could Myron have had rabies? I don't know.
Apes pick up a Lot of strange diseases.
Colt, you know how hard it's gonna be to track down that gorilla? Yeah, but no harder than any of the others we've had to track down.
They sure weren't kidding when they said he was strong.
Yeah! Strange though.
Look at the way that thing is bent.
And that scrub oak.
The only patch of scrub oak I know around here is about 12 miles away.
It could be he likes the woods.
This might be a clue.
Well, if we don't find Myron, we can always chop some firewood.
Here, take this and bring your friend.
That gorilla might just take to him.
HOWIE: Well, how do you know these are the ape tracks? COLT: I studied up on them before I got turned down on the last Eastwood picture.
HOWIE: Oh! I am tired.
Is that a symptom? COLT: Only on being out of condition.
Didn't you learn anything in school? We didn't study rabies.
Ask me about malaria or pellagra or beriberi! I had a year of tropical diseases at Duke, you know.
- Did you pass? - I got an incomplete.
Well, I got the flu and missed the final.
(MYRON GROANING) I hear something.
Now, just relax with that tranquilizer gun.
We only got one shot and we may need it.
Great! We're after a man killer and I'm on safari with the Salvation Army.
- Yeah, well, take a look around.
- I've got you covered from here.
(MYRON SCREAMING) Colt! - Give him your duck.
- Duck? Unless you want to give him your other arm.
HOWIE: He's shaking his head.
I don't think he wants the duck.
Throw it to him anyway.
I told you, Colt.
He didn't want it.
Am I crazy or does he have a curve? He ain't crazy.
Give him your panda.
(KISSING LOUDLY) This guy's as tame as a pup! That's very cute, but let's not forget that he killed a man.
Youâre just upset because he likes your panda.
I don't believe this, Colt! I'm the human! Hey, you wonât jump out.
I'm not about to lose this one.
How do you know I won't jump? Howie, at least be happy this guy looks like he doesn't have rabies.
It could've been worse.
Looks like and doesn't are two different things.
Please, just keep driving for that veterinarian.
Here you go, boy.
- Now, this is humiliating.
That's my drink.
- It's just a sip, Howie.
What's the matter with your hand there? Something wrong with his hand.
Seems to be slightly crippled.
He was more than likely born with a handicap.
Being brought up in captivity he never had to use it, as in defending himself or getting food.
- But killing a man? - Oh, I've never seen a more gentle animal in 10 years of veterinarian work.
Orangutans are timid animals, introverts by nature.
I've never heard of one becoming violent.
As far as snapping a man's neck With a right hand like that, I don't think he'd be able to.
- And Hugo wanted him killed.
- What? Look, are you sure about the rabies? I mean, absolutely? If I weren't, do you think I'd be standing this close to him? Well, then what are we going to do with him? Well, if we turn him in, they're gonna kill him.
I can't keep him here.
Take him home.
- Home? - Sure.
This guy'll be easy to keep.
They like bananas and a lot of affection.
Back home it is.
This is Mad Dog.
Any sign of those two city boys? MAN".
Haven't come this way.
Ain't seen a thing.
Hey, this is Fleetfoot.
I got them in my sights and he's heading over your way, Jake.
My jacket! And now my cap! Colt, I'm never going to get the hair out of them.
Kid, you hurt his feelings.
Besides, we gotta keep him disguised.
Where's your sense of dedication? They just passed me on Highway 16.
The ape's in the truck with them city boys.
Remember, we get $5,000 reward for killing that ape.
I'm in pursuit.
Request all assistance.
He just drove off the crossroads and I'll be right behind him.
Get down, kid! Pull over! Pull over immediately! Pull over, cowboy! This is a warning! Pull over with that ape! 1 got him dead to rights! (LAUGHING) Hey, Gary, see if you can cut him off.
Gotcha! He's disappeared, you two! Close off the river and I'll see if I can flush him out.
Hey, I think I found him! These guys are crazy! MAN".
We gotta get more organized, boys.
- You got that river crossing cut, Mad Dog? - Sure do, Redneck! (EXCLAIMING) The jewels are missing, Hugo.
I swear to you, I know nothing about it.
- Got a little greedy, huh? - You have got to believe me.
- I did not do it! - Who else could or would? I don't know.
But, please, Bryna, why would I do that? Look! Look! Hair! Orangutan hair! You see? Myron took them! He took the jewels! Oh, I don't believe it! That's what Ed trained him to do.
We have to catch Myron alive now.
I can't get him to show us where the jewels are if he's dead.
I convinced everyone that Myron killed Ed.
How do we switch that around now? We just need Myron long enough to find the jewels, then we'll make ourselves heroes by killing him ourselves.
That Seavers guy has Myron.
We almost had them on the road.
Well, we'll just have to find Seavers first.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR) Well, it's about time.
What's with half a dress? I was in the middle of one of the best dates I've had all year.
Big fancy cocktail party.
But, no! Colt calls.
And who does he call to rent a motel room and stay up all night? - Jody! Good old no-social-Life Jody.
- It was an emergency.
What kind of emergency gets me out to Tooleyville at 1:00 in the morning? Howie's got himself engaged.
- What's that? - That is a Myron.
- Say hello to the lady, Myron.
- Keep it away.
Sit down.
What exactly is going on? It's a long story and Myron's part of it.
Wait a minute.
I didn't want onions.
Does yours have cheese? Yeah, wait a minute, that's mine.
That's yours.
What did I do wrong? - What does he want? - He likes you.
Fine.
Tell him I already have a date.
Hey! He's taking my earring.
Make him give it back.
- Colt? - Yeah, Howie.
I know what you're thinking.
Yeah.
I'm thinking I'm lopsided.
Can I have my earring back? Son of a gun! Myron really is a crook.
Yeah, but not a killer.
Excuse me, Sherlock and Watson, I still might be able to patch things up with my date and get some breakfast, so can I go? SHERIFF:".
Colt Seavers! This is Sheriff Taylor! Come on out with your hands up.
Well, there goes breakfast.
We don't want any trouble.
just bring that gorilla out nice and easy.
For somebody who don't want no trouble, he sure brought a lot of potential.
Seavers, you're already harboring a fugitive.
That's bad enough.
1 don't want you or your friend to get hurt on top of that.
(sum FIRES) (EXCLAIMING) - What's with him? - I think he wants to surrender.
Look, we're gonna need your help, Jody.
- How? - Guess.
- What? - I want you to distract those men.
- Come on, kid, give me a hand.
- Boy, Colt, you're gonna owe me for this.
Yeah, well, stall them as long as you can.
- Weâll call you when we're safe.
- Where're you going? To prove the cliché about paper thin walls.
SHERIFF: Okay, Seavers, you got' 30 seconds before we star? shooting the? door down.
(SPUTTERING) Do you mind? 1 mean it! You got 25 seconds! I'm sorry, folks.
You see, the door to his room was locked and we got to get him to the hospital right away.
You see, his wife's expecting.
He's expecting a second child.
The first one didn't come out too good, so he thinks he ought to be there this time.
He's aged 10 years in this ordeal.
Here, put this on him, kid.
S H E RI F F: Sea vars! Your time 's running out! In 15 seconds I'm gonna come in shooting! 1 don't want you or your friend to have to get hurt.
I mean, as worried as he is, we wouldn't want him to catch his death, now, would we, folks? So we're gonna borrow the coat a little bit.
This should cover it.
You have a nice vacation.
My patience is wearing mighty thin, Seavers.
You've got 10 seconds.
Five, four, three Don't shoot! It's a new dress.
Are you alone, Miss? Alone? I hope so.
I was gonna take a bath.
Step inside, miss.
You didn't happen to see a gorilla, did you? Jeez, Sheriff, I've dated some creepy guys, but a gorilla? No.
I'm talking about a real gorilla.
(ENGINE STALLING) - The old rotor gag.
- All right, boys.
That's it.
It won't start without the rotor or with buckshot in the driver.
Hands up and dismount! A good stuntman knows when it's a wrap.
Come on.
Spread them, Seavers.
Frisk them, johnny.
Sheriff, there ain't no reason to shoot anybody, especially Myron, he's the nicest one here.
Can't prove it by his past.
Mister, get yourself out of the way.
- So you can kill Myron? -What's keeping him alive for? Sheriff, he's as gentle as a baby.
Any way you can prove to me he's harmless? Humiliation is one thing.
Cold is another! You think you got complaints? There's an ordinance against three in a cell, you know.
Colt Seavers.
I send you out on a simple job and I end up bailing you out with a gorilla.
First, Myron is an orangutan, second, your job is simple because Ed Catcher's dead and your bail will be recovered, and third, I ain't in no mood for jokes.
I know.
I heard about Ed.
I'm sorry.
I kind of liked him.
And I do apologize to you, Myron.
He accepts.
I don't.
Well, I suppose you three want me to bail you out, huh? - What about me? - Oh, I was including you, Howie.
You can deduct the cost of bail from my fee.
Fee? What fee? When you arrived, Ed Catcher was already dead, and unless you want to admit to the murder, you did nothing to help catch him.
Look, I don't have time to argue with you, Terri.
And even if I recover the jewels, you'll get no part of the reward.
Reward? I'll consider renegotiating at a later date.
Remind me to send her a thank you note.
Let's go, Seavers.
Kid! Well, what about Myron? Justice ordered the vet here in the morning and they'll put him to sleep.
Regardless of the fact that he doesn't have rabies? - The dead man died of a broken neck.
- What makes you think Myron did it? - He's got a crippled hand, you know.
- And three that work.
- He deserves a fair trial.
- An ape? Look, Seavers, I admit Myron's friendly enough, but we got regulations in this state.
Gotta be put to sleep.
I forgot for a minute he's an animal, but it just doesn't make much sense to kill him.
It's not open to debate.
You did your job, you found him.
Be thankful you and the kid didn't get hurt.
Don't worry, Myron, everything will be all right.
I wouldn't lie to him, kid.
Goodbye, Myron.
HOWIE: Don't worry, Myron.
We'll get you out of this somehow.
We won't let you down.
Come on, Myron, say something.
(SPUTTERING) They're gonna kill him, Colt.
There's nothing we can do about it.
I know.
- Myron's innocent.
- Yeah.
We'll never get a jury of his peers together in time.
It's just too simple.
Too clean.
Do you remember the Planet of the Apes, Colt? I always liked the orangutans.
Yeah, me, too.
They were the doctors.
Do you think Myron would like a beer? Or maybe just some company? I would if I was a condemned man.
Did you have to say that, Colt? Sorry, kid.
Let's go bust him out instead.
Yeah! Come here, Myron.
Here, boy.
Come here, boy.
That's a good boy.
- Good boy.
- We're gonna get you out of here, Myron.
- Take the bars.
- Shake! Shake! Shake them, Myron.
- Shake them! - Together we can do it.
Yes, ma'am, I will.
Seavers! Excuse me.
- Where do you think you're going? - Hey, you just relax now, Sheriff.
We're here to restate facts and offer cast iron evidence.
But while you're listening, I want you to remember the look in Myron's eyes.
- Shake! Shake! - Shake! Good boy! Good boy, Myron! Yeah, my third wife, Ramona, had a look just like that.
(CRASHING) Thanks for calling! Colt, it's Myron! COLT: It's those two from the carnival! Why would they come back here, Colt? Well, I bet they got a damn good reason.
- BRYNA: They could be anywhere.
- I hear them.
BRYNA: The ape was loose for almost a day and a half.
You have to be patient.
He needs to be worked with.
HUGO: He's got half a million worth of jewels and you want to play cuddle with him? I will show you how we do it.
Let me have two minutes with him.
Hey.
HOWIE: This guy's a strongman! COLT: Don't worry, kid, I can handle him.
I think we just stumbled in on our killer.
Yeah, but he's on the wrong side of the bars.
Let me have two minutes in there with them.
Aren't the animals supposed to be on this side of the bars, Colt? It will be a great pleasure twisting your necks.
Real easy with all the practice you've had.
Hugo.
Oh, you order him around just like that other ape, huh? There's only one problem, Bryna.
If you kill us, who's gonna lead you to the jewels? Myron.
You forget, he listens to me, too.
(MYRON GRUNTING) If he knew where they were hidden.
Give it up, Seavers.
Stop stalling.
Just trying to make a trade.
- I will shut them up.
- What kind of trade? Our lives for the jewels.
That's right.
Myron gave them to us and we hid them.
I don't believe you.
Hey, if we're lying, you can check it out pretty quick.
If we're telling the truth, we saved us a lot of death and you a lot of trouble.
You can take the kid, here.
He can show you where they're hidden.
And then, when you find them, let him go, he comes back, let us out.
We go on our way.
Everybody'll be happy.
Just what makes you so sure we wouldn't kill you and your friend here after we got the jewels? I'm not, but it sure beats going three rounds with your gorilla.
Okay, let the kid out.
But, Colt, you're the one who buried them.
Come, Myron.
Take him to the shack where we found Myron.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I'll be all right.
Myron.
Just to make sure.
Move! If you're lucky, Seavers, this is goodbye.
You and me again, huh, Myron? Come on, Myron.
Come on.
Here, grab a hold.
Come here, now.
Come on! Shake it! Shake it! Good boy! Shake! (WOMAN SCREAMING) - Hi, there.
- What in the hell I'm sorry to bust in on you like this.
It's just that I'm in kind of a jam.
Come on, Myron, this'll do.
Hang on, Myron.
Don't worry, Myron, this is a tranquilizer gun.
It's not for you.
I am starting to think you Lied to us.
You have 20 seconds to Live.
Unless you tell me where those jewels are.
(EXCLAIMS) Get the gun! Drop the dart, Seavers, or I'll shoot your friend.
(GUNSHOT) - He saved my life, Colt.
- Yeah, I know.
He's alive! Hey, hey, hey, that's my bath water! No, it's Myron's ocean.
Tell him.
That's who I was talking to.
Why'd you answer? Well, I represent him.
I'm his agent.
Agent? Come on, Myron doesn't need an agent.
He needs a home.
Find him a zoo or get him to find the jewels for us.
He'll find both in his own good time.
Right now I'm worried about his future.
(PHONE RINGING) Here, Colt.
Play ducky with him, will you? He's trying to overcome his natural fear of the water.
Ducky? Hey, Myron, we got to have a little man to man, okay? Now, I know this tub isn't much, but you see, it's all I got.
Maybe we could enter into some sort of a partnership, huh? Hey! A favor? All right, you win.
We'll play ducky.
I did it! I got him both a home and a job! That was him on the phone.
- Who? - Clint! He called me personally, and he wants Myron for his next picture.
COLT: Clint Eastwood? I've been waiting 10 years for a picture with him and you swing a deal for Myron?