The Fast Show s02e05 Episode Script

I've been walking out with a lady friend.
Mrs Bainbridge.
Molly.
Very clean lady.
Won't stand any nonsense.
Widow, naturally.
They all are when you get to my age.
I'm thinking I might pop the question today.
Time marches on.
(BIRD CAWS) Ohbugger! I'll go and get myself cleaned up, try again later.
(HEARTY LAUGHTER) Welcome again to "English Country Cooking".
One of the things that's amazed me in this series has been the range of locally–grown ingredients.
– Today we'll be looking at herbs.
Gavin.
– Thank you, Leslie.
Now, I'm going to have a fair few plants in this very simple English chicken stew.
Now, the first one here is rosemary.
She's a difficult little one to grow.
She's very difficult.
She likes a bit of shade so I put her up against a wall.
She likes it She likes it up against the wall.
– And that one's thyme, in't it? – Oh, that's right.
This is thyme, yes.
She's a wild little tearaway plant.
You have to keep her in check.
You have to be very firm with her, very firm.
She understands that.
– And this one? – Firmness! Yes.
Ah, now, that's marjoram.
She's a pretty little thing, isn't she? Look at the little head bobbing.
You can recognise marjoram by this little green fringe.
It's almost like she were wearing a little dress, a tight little skirt! Right, yes.
And, er, what are we gonna be doing with all these lovely aromatic herbs? – My mouth's watering! – That's what they do to you! They make you think you can have them, then they say no! – What else goes in the stew? – Little teases! – They push you so far – Chicken? Chicken.
That's right, chicken.
Now, you get a good, fresh chicken, like this lassie here.
You want a big one! Look at the breast on that, eh? You want one that looks at you in a certain way and says, "I've been around, I know the score.
" – You want a WHORE! – What will you be doing with the chicken? Well, she's asking for it so I'll be stuffing her.
– Stuffing thyme! Stuffing thyme! – That'll do! That'll do! – STUFFING! – Cut.
(CHURCH BELL TOLLS) Does my bum look big in this? No.
– Hello, darling, I'm home.
– Hello, darling.
– I'm not pissed, you know.
– Neither am I, darling.
Dad's home! You smell nice.
What's that? – Gin.
– Dad's home! Ooh! Oh, that smells nice! What's it cooked in? Eau de Cologne.
I had a little accident.
Oh, well, never mind.
Mmmm! Ooh, you smell nice! What's that? Gin.
Ahhh! Ooooh! Oh, that smells nice! What's it cooked in? – Eau de Cologne.
I had a little accident.
– What's it supposed to be cooked in? Gin.
Oh, well, never mind.
Mmm! – Dad's home! – You smell nice! What's that? – Gin.
– Ahhhhh! – Dad's home! – Hang on a minute, darling.
Simon, your tea's ready! – Dad's home! – Oh, there you are.
– Dad's home.
– Ohhh, hello, darling! Hello, darling! Mmm! Ooh, you smell nice! – What's that? – Gin.
Ahhh! Oooh! Mmmm! Oh, that smells nice! What's it cooked in? – Eau de Cologne.
I had a little accident.
– Dad's home.
– Ohh.
– What's the matter, darling? Don't you ever get the feeling that our lives are going meaninglessly round in circles? – Same old thing day after day.
– Oh, darling, don't have dark thoughts.
You need a drink.
– There.
– Ahhh! Ooh, you smell nice! What is that? – Gin.
– Ahhh! Ooh! Mmmmm! Mmm! That smells nice! What's it cooked in? – Eau de Cologne.
I had a little accident.
– Dad's home.
I've been home and cleaned me self up, so I'm off for another try at Mrs Bainbridge.
Uh–oh.
Dog's muck.
I'm no stranger to mishap wi' that so I'll gi'e it a wide berth.
– There! – (SPLAT!) What was that? Oh, bugger! Oh, bugger! We have to get this done by tomorrow even if means staying all night.
– But it's all right as it is.
– All right isn't good enough! This is a very important account.
I'll order down for some coffee and sandwiches, then we can really get to work on this thing.
– Got a problem with that? – I had got a date, but I guess I can cancel it.
Yes, well, I think you're gonna have to.
I'd say this was more important than your social life.
Me and Gary are going to the pub.
Fancy a drink? (GIRLY VOICE) I can come, but Peggy's got to work.
Bit of a swot! I haven't got any money.
Will you buy me a drink? A pink one with a dolly's brolly! (CACKLES) (RAMBLES INCOHERENTLY) (RAMBLES ON).
.
and I noticed it was just outside Edinburgh! I said(TALKS INCOHERENTLY) I said to her, "Get a man in!" and she bloody did! (BURBLES ON INDECIPHERABLY) And(RAMBLES)a makeshift crutch! And it was very, very funny! The whole bloody leg was completely septic! (RAMBLES INCOHERENTLY)and he didn't wake up for three days! Three bloody days! (RAMBLES INCOHERENTLY) Oh, I'm afraid I was veryvery drunk! I love flying, I do, you know.
Everywhere we go, I always try to fly.
I mean, obviously not local places.
Me and Roy, we just get the bus.
But whenever we go anywhere foreign, I say to Roy, "We'll have to fly.
" – What do I say, Roy? – Have to fly.
Roy don't like flying – he can't stomach it.
He gets bilious.
What do you get, Roy? Bilious.
If Roy had his way, he'd go everywhere on the Channel Tunnel.
What he don't like about planes is the small toilets.
What don't you like, Roy? Small toilets.
With him being on the big side, he likes a lot of room toilet–wise.
Oh, one year, he were on the toilet from Gatwick to Magaluf.
He missed out on the whole Pyrenees.
He was gutted.
What were you, Roy? Relieved.
Relieved AND gutted, I think, Roy, you big shower of shit! (DIDGERIDOO MUSIC) Welcome to "That's Amazing" with me, Carl Hooper.
We're here to educate, titillate, captivate and fascinate.
Calves with two heads, dogs with five legs, snakes with no eyes, a kookaburra with its hand in the cookie jar! Freaks of nature or the devil's work? We look into the strange world of the animal kingdom.
– Let's meet John.
John, g'day, mate.
– G'day, cob.
– You're a sheep farmer.
– That's right.
– How far have you come? – 1,400 miles.
– Jeez, that's a long poke! – Sure is.
– What have you got for us? – Well, I'm a sheep farmer.
In the 25 years I've been doing it, I thought I'd seen it all until last spring lambing time when I found THIS incredible lamb.
– And what's so amazing about it? – It's got a white body and a black head! That's quite common.
– Is it? – Yes.
Oh, sorry, mate.
Everything's brilliant, innit? It It is brilliant, innit? Is it? I don't really know.
Yeah, it is.
Yeah.
Yeah, everything's brilliant.
It's fantastic.
Tarantino deals in pastiche and homage.
Violence as entertainment, but unmitigated by any moral context.
That's his genius and his fatal flaw.
(WOMAN) One of many flaws.
He's really saying nothing new.
He's no Godard, he's no Tarkovsky.
They are artists creating a language of cinema.
– And as for Bergman – Did you see that Bergman film on the telly? – (MAN) Yes, of course.
– What a complete waste of time that was! One, it was in black and white.
Two, it was subtitled.
Three, no one got shot.
Four, no one got their kit off.
Five, I'll get me coat.
– (KNOCKS ON DOOR) – Come.
Ah, sit down, Ryan.
Thanks for coming in.
– No problem.
– I expect you know what this is about.
Your particular output for the last quarter was over–optimistic to the tune of 70 or 80%.
I mean, it was a downright fiasco, almost totally inaccurate! (MAKES RIDICULOUS NOISE) – Stop that, Ryan, this is serious.
– (MAKES SILLY NOISE) Ryan – Ryan, sit down.
– I'm not Ryan today, I'm Pingu! Map–map! (MAKES RIDICULOUS NOISES) Map–map! This is a clothes shop, isn't it? – And these are the trousers, are they? – Trousers.
– And they're £29.
99, are they? – That's right.
Ooh, these are nice here.
Are these £29.
99? – Yes.
"All trousers £29.
99".
What size are you? – I'm a 32.
32.
Wellhere you are, sir.
– These are a 32, are they? – Yes.
– I try them on over there? – That's right.
In the changing rooms.
Thanks very much.
– I take the other ones off first, don't I? – Yes.
– Then I put the new ones on, is that right? – Yes.
– So you must work here, then? – That's right.
Righter – Ah, and this is the mirror here, is it? – Yes.
So I look in here, then, do I? See if I like them or not.
– Oh, they're quite nice, yes.
– Yes.
Umdo I like them? – Eryes.
– Yes, I do, yes.
– Can I wear them home? – If you like.
I'll fetch your old trousers.
– Thanks.
I pay for them over there? – Yes, where it says (BOTH) – "Pay here.
" – Right.
Thanks very much.
– Do you take credit cards? – Yes, sir.
– A lot don't.
I give you this thing, do I? – That's right, sir.
– I see.
Now, I sign this, do I? – Sign there.
– Where it says "signature"? – That's right.
(MUMBLES) That's my name, isn't it? Date? – Ha ha.
Is that the date there? – That's it, sir.
– Here you are.
– What's in there? – Your old trousers, sir.
– Oh, I see.
Thanks very much.
– They're the right size, aren't they? – Yes, sir.
– That's it, is it? I go out there, do I? – Where it says – Right.
Thanks very much.
Bye.
– Thank you.
Bye.
– So I go home now, then, do I? – Yes.
Good day.
Gideon Soames here.
I Oh, I beg your pardon.
I'm having trouble walking and talking.
Good day.
Gideon Soames Oh, dear, no.
I'm very sorry.
It's the path, the camber.
It's rather sharp.
And so they named the hospital after me .
.
which was nice.
Good day.
Gideon Soames at your disposal.
– I'm standing Oh, I beg your pardon.
– Cut.
– Good day.
Gideon Soames here.
A Oh, no! – Cut it! – This is my bus, isn't it? The No.
14.
– Yes.
– Goes to the Town Hall, doesn't it? –Yes.
– I'll get on it, then, shall I? – Yes! Good day.
I'm Gideon Soames.
– (MAN IN THE DISTANCE) 180! – I'm in the grounds of Some Hall, Derbyshire.
One of the most spectacular architectural feats of the 18th century.
Designed by Sir Hugh Tatchell and built entirely from mahogany and ivory, its plumbing system alone is said to be worth well over £1 million.
The reason my voice is hushed is this.
It appears darts international Jocky Wilson has purchased the building and has plans to level it and build a huge leisure complex, its members drawn solely from the ranks of the Royal Variety Club of Great Britain.
Two historians opposed the plans.
On returning home, they found their windows broken and beer mats lying on the hearth.
We're approaching the west wing, which I have never seen.
I've heard apparently Gaudi fainted away in sheer awe at its majesty.
But we must move forward quickly for night will soon fall.
(METAL CLANGING) I appear to have stepped in something.
– (DIRECTOR) Don't look down, Gideon.
– Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! (SPORTY MUSIC) Urrrrrrrrrrrrr, quite extraordinaire! A qui spotto ton guesto mysterioso? Heth heth heth heth heth! Ahh! (DISCO MUSIC) #Saturday night # Thank you, baby #I'll make you mine You know I'll take you to the top #Pretty baby #Saturday night and I like the way you move #Pretty baby #It's party time, you don't have anything to lose #Be my baby #Da da da da de do de da da da da #Be my baby # Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Qui spotto ton guesto mysterioso? Looky–likey? #Be my baby # Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, ahhh–urrr! Urrrrrrr! Fallehilah, fallehilah, fallehileh! Sminki pinki! You ain't seen me, roight? Heth heth heth heth heth! Boutrosurrrrrrrrrrrr Boutros urrrrrrrrrr Ghali! Colin Hunt traverses the outer office with ease! Through the door without touching the sides! And he's going for the coat! Will he make it on the peg? There it goes! Colin Hunt reigns supreme! (HE MAKES APPLAUSE NOISE) Morning, Teresa, sorry I'm a bit late.
The train was delayed.
There was a lion lying on the line! What kind of lion? It was a sea lion! No, only joking, it was Jimmy Greaves.
Leaves! No, er, I came by car.
– Couldn't find as space, as per.
– Colin, you do make me laugh.
Who was it said, "Laughter is the best tonic"? You vill answerze question! "Laughter's the best tonic".
Who was it? ("COUNTDOWN") # Boodo boodo boodo–booboo boo! # It was ME just then! I said it twice.
I thought you'd have spotted one of them.
– Got a computer here.
Am I in the right place? – Oh, yes, great.
– Soyou must be Teresa McMann.
– That's right.
– Right.
And you – I am the Antichrist! I will rip your heart out and eat it! Grrrrr! (LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY) Oh, dear! Only joking, I'm not the Antichrist, I'm the anti–freeze, the antimacassar! The antiAntiques Road Show.
I am Hugh Scully! You'll want to know how much this monitor is worth for insurance purposes! – No, Colin Hunt.
Hello.
– Bit of a joker, are we, Mr Hunt? – He should go on the telly! – "Crimewatch"! I am the Chiswick Strangler! Have you seen this man? – Do you wanna sign this form for me, please? – I'd love to, but I can't.
– Why? – Because my hand has just dropped off! Do you wanna sign this for me, love? Not much joy with this wanker.
– I say, that's mine over there.
That's mine.
– What? Colin Hunt's office trolley.
Colin Hunt's off his trolley, you see! Really? Colin Hunt'soffhistrolley! Colin Hunt's off his I said, Colin Hunt's off his trolley! – Colin Hunt – (SOUND OF A PUNCH) Yes, wellhe got it in the end.
I'm off to see Mrs Bainbridge again.
I've come a different way this time.
There's no birds round here, that's for sure.
Bugger! (LIKE A PHONE) Brrrrr, brrrr! Brrrr, brrrr! Brrrr, brrrrr! Brrrr, brrrr! Brrrr, brrrr! Brr (HIGH–PITCHED) Mmm.
Hmm.
(HIGH–PITCHED GOBBLEDEGOOK) (HIGH–PITCHED GOBBLEDEGOOK) Mmm, mmm.
Mmm.
That was our head bank .
.
which means I must be someone extra special! – All right, Dave? You're looking glum.
– I don't wanna talk about it.
– Fair enough.
– I will, though.
I've had a row with Julie.
That bird has been nothing but grief for you.
Row her out.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
Just seems like anything we had is over.
– What's that? – Gonna knock it on the head with Julie.
What are you talking about? You and Julie? I mean, you two! She's a lovely girl! Best thing that ever happened to me! Nicest girl I've ever met! My grandmother's nice, but you wouldn't go out with her! – For you two, the spark is gone.
– I'll give her a bell, tell her it's over.
You have gotta work at your relationship.
You can't just jump ship just 'cause you get bored.
I'll tell her how much I love her.
That's the trouble with people these days.
No commitment.
First sign of trouble, they're off.
But, Dave, commitment equals marriage equals kids equals Bejam.
The sooner you get out the cab the better! Yeah, I've got to.
'Cause I'm a free spirit.
I don't wanna get lumbered.
– That's it, finished.
– Julie was in earlier.
She wants to say sorry.
– Julie? What, my Julie? – She's a lovely girl, in't she? I couldn't imagine life without her! She's like a part of me! Aye–aye, look at these two, mate! We could be quids in.
Dave? Hello, girls.
Can I get you a drink? I'm a free agent.
I just split up with my girlfriend.
– Ohh, that's a shame.
You all right? – No, I'm not.
I'm pretty down about it.
To tell you the truth, it's slaughtered me! What am I gonna do, lads? – Use my phone.
Give her a ring.
– Good idea.
– Don't ring her.
– DaveJulie.
This week, I are been mostly bulimic.
Right, sir, so start with the rod tip there – down low, then up, stop, forward, stop.
Whoa–ho! – Right over the other side.
– Here, sir.
Ah, well, here goes.
Faint heart never won fairas it were.
I think you're going to have to show me this movement somehow.
The up, stop, forward, stop bit.
Start with the rod tipped low to the water, sir.
Lift, stop, forward, stop.
Lift, stop, forward, stop.
Right.
I don't think I shall ever get the hang of this.
– You'll be as good as Mr Mayhew yet, sir.
– I'd have to spend more time practising.
Every moment of every day, he seemed to spend on a river somewhere.
I remember, every Saturday morning, jumping out of bed, running to the window, banging on the glass – "Father, Father!" – but hehe never looked back.
What was he like – Mrmy father, Ted? – Well, it's not really for me to say, sir.
– No.
No.
But some would say that he was a very strict man, sir.
Yes, very strict.
Do you think there's a lot of him in me, Ted? No, sir, not really, no.
You don't think I'mI'm sometimes too hard on you, DaerTed? Ahlook, I've caught one! – That's a tree, sir.
– Yeah.
Sorry, Ted.
And I was rummaging around in the attic and I found the original copy of the Bible .
.
which was nice.
So, Ron, Aston Villa strangely out of sorts.
Their defence pulled wildly out of position, leading to that controversial penalty.
Was the referee right to award it? Was the penalty wrong? Was it he tripped outside and did he fall in the box, Ron? The linesman didn't flag, Ron.
Football, small boys! Oh, football, isn't it, you know? Small boys! Marvellous! Jumpers for goalposts.
Enduring image.
But, ooh, that tackle, mm? Way above the knee, wasn't it? Way above the knee? The mini skirt.
Enduring image.
Marvellous.
Dolly birds, the swinging Sixties, The Swinging Blue Jeans, swinging London, Jonathan King.
"Everyone's Gone To The Moon", except me! I stayed here! But, you know, oooh, flower power! Interflora! Mother's Day! Oh, sorry, Mummy, I forgot! Mother's ruin.
Don't mind if I do! But, ooh, soccer, isn't it marvellous? Nostalgia.
Those rattle things.
Don't see them these days.
Marvellous, though.
Small boys on their fathers' knees Looks like I made it safely this time, though I am a bit late.
I hope she's still in.
Knowing my luck, she'll have popped out to buy some biscuits.
Oh, bugger.
Oh, bugger.
Burke, that's 10 for the Braves.
Carl Burrows, the big quarterback, was totally shut down.
He couldn't go forwards or backwards.
He was a man alone, he didn't have nobody to turn to.
– There WAS somebody he could've turned to.
– And who was that, Burke? It was our Lord Jesus, who died on the cross for all our sins and who is always there for us.
– Way to go! – Put your hand on the screen! – Send all your money to Reverend Dick Dixon.
– And me, Dr Burke McCormack.
(BOTH) Sportscasters for Jesus! Small boys on remand.
Hah.
Car stereos for goalposts? That's the way it is these days.