The Jim Gaffigan Show (2015) s02e05 Episode Script

1 [man beatboxing.]
I happened to hear that you're, uh, headlining at Carolines on Friday night, huh? - Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
And you didn't think to ask me if I'd like to open? Dave, you told me you'd rather eat a urinal cake than open for me.
That doesn't mean you can't ask! You know? I mean, this is how you treat me? Your writing partner? - Writing partner? - Yeah, your write right, think about it.
All you ever do it talk about food, right? What does this place do? They serve food.
Boom.
I'm your writing partner.
Remember remember, I helped you tag that pickle bit of yours? - Y-you made a suggestion.
- Yeah, which you took.
I mean, I would think you would want me to open for you.
I'm sorry, I I already offered it to Christian Finnegan.
Christian oh, wow.
I mean, you barely know that guy.
Nah, it's good, it's good.
It's good.
'Cause it really helps put in perspective who my real friends are.
- Wow.
- Dave, we've known him for 20 years.
W-what's going on with you? Things aren't going well right now, man.
You know, I used to work Governor's four times a year, right? Now now now I can't even get that that jerk-off Trueson to return my phone calls.
It's-it's ridiculous! And I I wasn't gonna get into it, but there's personal stuff as well, you know? I mean, my my mom, she's getting up there, and dude, I think she's starting to lose it.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- She wants me to pay rent now.
You don't pay any rent? No, I mean, I help out with groceries.
I mean, not her groceries, but you know, if I want something special, I buy it.
Unless she buys it.
Right.
I think I'm in trouble.
I've been having, like I've been having, like, some kind of crazy thoughts, man.
Whoa, whoa what kind of crazy thoughts? I've been thinking about getting a day job.
What are you come on, that's that's crazy.
Y-y-you you can't think like that.
I mean, hey, look at me.
You're great.
You you've got fans.
Not great enough to open for you at Carolines.
Yeah, ah, look, Dave, I love you, but our styles are different.
I-I you know, I don't know if it's a good idea for me to follow someone who whose closing bit involves him holding a microphone to his crotch.
No, I I altered that bit.
I apparently blew out some sound system when I stuck the mic in a woman's beer glass.
It was kind of a big Why would you stick a microphone in a - Jim Jim.
- [sighing.]
Be a friend.
I don't know if I can do that to Christian.
But you could do it to Jew.
[man beatboxing.]
Jim, would you like to say "Grace"? Grace.
All right.
Name of the Father, Son, Holy Spirit, Amen.
[man beatboxing.]
Sync & Corrections by PetaG [man humming and beatboxing.]
When is Dave not depressed? No, he's really out of sorts.
Oh, is he jealous about the monthly gig at Carolines? He's such a baby.
I didn't even tell him it was a monthly show.
I'm just so excited for you to be in town more.
I'm just glad there's one weekend a month I don't have to get on a plane.
Oh, I'm gonna need some comps.
I invited Sister Pauline to Carolines, and she's bringing three other nuns.
They've done so much for the school.
Nuns at a comedy show.
Sounds like a great idea.
Yeah, I'm also gonna need to give some comps to the Bowery Mission.
Jeannie, if we want Caroline to see that I can sell a monthly show, we can't give away all these free tickets to the first one.
You really want me to charge nuns for tickets? Well, what else are they gonna do with their money? Buy beer and cigarettes? I mean, look, we live in New York City.
Everyone's gonna ask for comps.
We just have to set boundaries.
You know, the nuns I get.
But after that, no more free tickets.
- [knocking on door.]
- Hey.
I'm on my way - to SoulCycle.
Wanted to stop by - Hi.
And say "Thank you" to Jim for the free tickets.
You offered Daniel comps? He doesn't even think I'm funny.
Oh, no.
They're not for me.
Uh, no.
Trevor and I are going to "Hamilton" that night.
His parents are in town from Arizona.
They're scared of rap music.
No, I'm going to SoulCycle.
Half a glass.
How are things going with Mr.
Perfect? Well, Trevor says that I'm the - best boyfriend he's ever had.
- Mmm.
Who did he date before? Satan? [laughs.]
Da-zing-Ga! - It's "Ba-zinga.
" - No, I say "Da-zing-Ga.
" Sorry, Daniel.
Can't do it.
No free tickets this - Daniel, we'll give you the tickets.
- Thank you, Jeannie.
Who else is on your little show? Or is just gonna be you, onstage by yourself, eating for an hour.
Yeah, who is opening for you? Well, I kind of promised it to Christian Finnegan, but I think maybe I should offer it to Dave.
- No.
No, - Dave Marks? - no, no, no, no.
- No.
No.
This is your first monthly gig.
You just said it has to go well.
No Dave Marks.
You're right, I guess I just feel sorry for Dave.
By the way, that's a great suit.
You almost look exactly like the love child of Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio.
- Is that a new bra? - It's called a camisole.
All right? And let's keep the eyes up here.
Hey, you want to go to SoulCycle with me [laughing.]
.
Sorry, I couldn't even say it with a straight face.
I'll see you later.
He has such a crush on me.
[man beatboxing.]
No fighting, guys.
It's a fun day.
[phone ringing.]
Stevie! What's up? That's great, you're going to Bonnaroo.
Is that why you called? Carolines isn't selling? But Yeah, no, no, no.
I'll do press.
Well, is there any morning radio that's not in the morning? [baby crying.]
Yeah.
No, I understand.
Okay.
Thanks.
Looks like I'm doing Opie and Jim tomorrow morning.
Didn't you sleep through that last time? Ah, they won't remember.
Well, well, well, if it isn't our good friend Jim Gaffigan.
Thanks for having me back.
Well, at least you made it this time.
Jim, you remember, last time he was supposed to be here, he blew us off? I do remember.
What happened with that? Well, you know, I, uh I slept in.
What do you mean, you slept in? I slept in because I had a show the night before, - and I had flown in from yeah.
- Oh! A stand-up comedy performance? What's that like? I mean, I have no idea.
I'm just a stupid comedian that does comedy every night and still gets up at 5:00 a.
m.
for the radio show.
- All right.
Look, I'm sorry.
I just - Tell me, please.
- I didn't know you'd remember - Ah, we're just messing with you.
Jim Gaffigan's at Carolines this Friday at 8:00 p.
m.
And I'm hearing it might be a monthly show, - Well, I hope.
We'll see.
- huh? I hope you don't sleep through it.
- [laughs.]
- Uh oh! Uh, line two.
Who's on the line? Hey, guys.
Dave Marks.
Davemarksthespot.
net.
- Hey, Dave! - What's up, Dave? What's up, buddy boy? How are ya? - Hey, Dave.
- Hey, Jim.
How you doing? What are you eating? - Um - [all laughing.]
What's he not eating? Hey, for anybody who's stupid who does not know who Dave Marks is, the most underrated stand-up comic working today by far.
- Absolutely.
And you guys are buddies? - I agree.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- You're like the Odd Couple, but you hang out with each other.
Yeah, don't hold that against me though, huh? [all laughing.]
Hey, uh, Dave, Gaffigan's gonna be at Carolines this Friday, are - you gonna open for him? - Wow, I'd buy that ticket.
Yeah, I don't know guys.
You know, I'm pretty busy doing my own stuff.
You know how it goes.
- Jim, who do you got opening for you? - Yeah.
Well, you know, I mean, that's the thing.
You gotta have Dave Marks open for ya.
Yeah, come on, you gonna open for Gaffigan or what? Uh, well, Jim didn't ask me to, so, you know.
- What? Come on, Gaffigan.
- Well I mean You gotta have your buddy open for you.
- What's wrong with you? - Well uh, all right, Dave, w-what do you say? About what, Jim? Uh, About Carolines? What what about it? Uh, w will you open for me at Carolines on Friday? Oh, that's nice.
I don't know, man.
I'm pretty swamped.
- Oh, damn.
Awkward.
- Ooh, rejected.
- I tried.
I tried.
- All right! All right, I'll do it.
I'll move some things around.
- Okay? But you owe me.
- Yes! Nice! Now we're talking! You heard it here first.
Dave Marks opening up for Jim Gaffigan at Carolines Comedy Club.
- This Friday night at 8:00 p.
m.
- Yeah.
[man beatboxing.]
Hey, Jim! - Uh, Christian.
- What's up, man? W-what are you doing here? Oh, I'm doing the Opie and Jim show.
Oh.
- Hey, look, uh, I should - Listen, before you say anything.
I just got to tell you, man.
Working with you at Carolines is like a watershed moment in my career.
My dad is actually coming down from Massachusetts.
- Assuming the nurses let him.
- Oh.
So I just want to say, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
D uh, y-you're welcome.
- [upbeat music.]
- No seats left.
Sorry.
[all groaning.]
Sold out, huh? We would have been, but we're turning people away because of your last-minute request for 20 comps.
- What? - 20 comps? Yeah, Jim's road manager called them in this afternoon.
Road manager? Th Uh, Ron, I-I-I'm sorry.
Let me deal with this.
[frenetic drum solo.]
[all talking at once.]
There's, like, no service in here.
- Who are you? - Me? The I'm Jim Gaffigan.
Oh, hey, buddy.
Ah, it's it's that's okay.
He's he's on the bill with me.
Oh, you're right.
He does look like Philip Seymour Hoffman.
- Dave - Oh, Jim, just, uh, if excuse me, ladies, just just for one second.
- Come on, road manager.
- Jim, Jim.
Y-y-you got to help me out, here.
- Get them out of my dressing room.
- J-just relax, okay? Okay? This is important, all right? You've heard of the Make-A-Wish Foundation, right? - Oh, my God.
They have cancer? - No.
I mean, not personally, but you know, each of them knows somebody who does it's very sad.
Everyone knows someone who has cancer.
No, look.
Look, look.
You know you know you know I've been in a slump, okay? And I really appreciate you letting me open for you, okay? But just just they think I'm co-headlining, so just please be a friend, okay? Fine.
But I got to prepare, so - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right.
- All right? Just a minute.
Yeah! Come on.
[man beatboxing.]
- One more.
One more.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- - Just just - Hey, Jim? We got Oh, hey, honey.
Could I please talk to you outside for a second? I guess some people don't knock.
Yeah.
Rude.
Okay, girls, uh, what's it look like if, uh, we lose the tops? What the hell was going on in there? Those are Dave's friends from Make-A-Wish.
You you believe that? What happened to Christian Finnegan? There was some miscommunication, he'll be fine.
I can't believe you gave Dave 20 comps and you told me no more.
I didn't give Dave any.
Well, anyway, the show starts in five minutes.
The club wants to release all the tickets 'cause they're all no-shows this does not look good, Jim.
Of course they should release them! I I'm I'm gonna go tell Dave now, - No, you know what? Tell him to go to - all right? hell.
I'm gonna go check on the nuns.
All right.
What? - Thanks! - Whoo! Whoo! Okay, ladies.
Ah, time to sit down.
Ah, they're gonna release your seats.
- No, no.
These - Oh, no, no.
these are my backstage guests.
The the 20 up front are for the TV Land execs that I invited.
Who do you know at TV Land? Well, I'm friendly a female executive if you know what I'm talking about.
So you invited 20 people from TV Land? Are there even 20 people at TV Land? Hey, listen, man: a real TV network is gonna come and watch you do stand-up, all right? I said I'd hook you up.
I hooked you up! Thank you, but you know what? It doesn't look like they're coming.
- Oh, they're coming.
- That's right.
All right, you know what? Fine.
Can I just please sit down in my dressing room? Of course you can! There's a stack of chairs around the corner.
- Just grab any one.
- (Woman) Is there any beer around? [chatter and music playing.]
Okay, let's do one more, 'cause I got to do stand-up! [all shouting.]
[frenetic drum solo.]
Ah.
Caroline.
Thanks for having me back at the club.
Do you know there's 20 empty seats in front of the stage? Yeah, uh, uh, sorry about that.
I didn't know about That's Dave Marks, my opener.
You brought Dave Marks? Don't you know Dave Marks is banned from Carolines? He shorted out our sound system.
That was here? - Welcome to Carolines - Ron! - on Broadway! - [whistling.]
- See you on the ice.
- Turn off those phones and get ready for a great show! [cheers and applause.]
Please welcome the opening act for Jim Gaffigan, Dave Marks! [cheers and applause.]
Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
Wow.
Opening for Jim Gaffigan.
[laughing.]
It's a little bit like, uh, the Stones opening for, I don't know, like Milli Vanilli? - [laughter.]
- (Dave) [scoffs.]
You know.
No, no, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny what he does, you know? Ah, I don't know if you've ever seen his set list.
It's a menu and no birth control.
[laughter.]
But what do you care, right? I mean, you're at Carolines.
Right? Carolines! Oh! That's great! "Oh, honey, we went to Broadway! We went to Carolines!" Right? You probably just ate at the Olive Garden.
Am I right? Come on, show of hands.
Who ate at the Olive Garden? Yes! Right here.
We have one.
Oh, you definitely you ate the Olive Garden.
He's nodding "Yeah.
Yeah.
" What's the matter? They run out of breadsticks? Look at this.
Look at all these empty seats.
You see this? These were all supposed to be TV Land executives.
I guess they're busy they got caught up in a meeting trying to figure out how to get even less people to watch their network.
[laughter.]
Right? I go through the trouble of, like, sleeping with this skank, and they don't even show up! [laughter.]
Oh, this one is sad.
This one is sad.
Did I offend you? Is it that time of the month? [laughter.]
"I just want my Midol!" Hey, look at this! Look at this! Look what we got here! It's TV Land, everybody! Oh, wow, thank you for gracing us with your presence.
Thank you.
Come on.
Sit your asses down.
Let's go.
What are you waiting for? The Golden Girls to rise from the dead? Anyway, yeah, so I live in Jersey City, which I know sounds sexy, right? Huh? But not as sexy as the fact that I live with my mother.
You should you should hear me try my pick up line.
You know, it's like, uh, "Hey baby, uh, you want to come back to my place? It's a hour on the PATH train for a nightcap and an enema.
- Hey, baby, wanna come?" - [laughter.]
- [drums beating.]
- [laughter continues.]
So yeah, in eighth grade, ah, my mother says to me, you know "So, I want to show you how to put on the condom.
A con-dom!" So I'm, uh, you know, I'm taking a leak.
For for the nuns, I'm peeing.
For the nuns, I'm peeing.
So, I don't know if you heard about this, ladies, but there's something called "Vagina steaming"? [laughter.]
Are you familiar with vagina steaming? Jim is a good guy um, so a lot of people ask, "Jim, you know, is he really that much of a pig?" And yeah.
Yeah, he is.
- We gave him the light 20 minutes ago.
- Yeah.
Uh, so my penis has, uh, superpowers.
Uh, that's right.
Betsy knows that.
Ah, it actually acts as a-a homing device.
[beeping.]
[faster beeping.]
[slower beeping.]
[siren noises.]
[laughter.]
I'm not gonna show you how I used to end that bit.
But suffice it to say, if any of you lovely ladies would like to join me backstage, I'll give you a a private performance.
That means you, Caroline! Still lookin' good! All righty, looks like I've gone a little bit over tonight.
Ah, I just want to say thank you and, uh, introduce your "Headliner.
" [applause.]
All right, I'm Dave Marks.
[feedback.]
[frenetic drum solo.]
[cheers and applause.]
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
That was, uh, Dave Marks.
Um, looks like you guys got to oh, uh, this is, uh, somebody's purse.
Is this somebody's there you go.
Sorry, ma'am.
[chuckles.]
Well, anyway.
- Uh - [man beatboxing.]
Uh, are you Christian's dad? [man beatboxing.]
I didn't even know those girls in the dressing room.
Why would I have to pay to clean up their vomit? They canceled all my shows? Okay.
All right.
Bye.
Hate to say "I told you so.
" No, you love to say "I told you so.
" You know what, I was doing something nice for a friend who was in a rut.
What would Jesus do? Certainly wouldn't have Dave Marks open for him.
Dave actually did very well.
Jim, he ruined the room.
No one wanted to hear about you throwing out avocados after Dave's diatribe about vagina steaming.
- It was a disaster.
- [knocking on door.]
Jeannie, thank you so much for the tickets for Trevor's parents they loved the show.
Apparently, Dave made fun of Trevor's dad for the way he eats breadsticks! It was a great idea to have Dave Marks open for you.
See? They enjoyed the show.
They did say that the dumb, pasty bald guy went on a little bit too long.
Told you so! All right, fine.
I'm gonna tell Dave he can never open for me again, and I'm gonna get him to pay to clean up the vomit.
Oh, if you're gonna see Dave can you get his autograph for Trevor's dad? - You're enjoying this, aren't you? - Immensely.
[kids chattering.]
[man beatboxing.]
Look, about Carolines, I mean, w-we should discuss Later.
Listen, listen, listen.
I can't open for you anymore.
- Really? - No.
- Oh.
- Yeah, I'm too busy.
TV Land offered me a development deal.
Doesn't TV Land just do reruns? No, man.
Not anymore, man.
Now they're the TV Land of opportunity, okay? They're giving me 50 grand to write a show about myself.
An autobiographical show about a comedian? - Right.
- Wow.
That's never been done before.
Anyway, $50,000 just to write the script, right? And if it goes to series, which it will, then there's gonna be a lot more money.
And and, dude, it shoots in New York City.
Shoots in New York! - Right? - You know what? That's that's amazing.
It is amazing, right? - Congratulations.
- Thank you, man.
Thank you.
Thank you.
But you know what? I need some help.
I need a co-writer, you know? Someone who really knows me, another comedian who really gets my style, knows the New York comedy scene, you know, really help me develop the thing, you know? I didn't get here by myself, so the least I can do is is is hook up a good friend of mine, right? [gasps.]
Wow.
Yeah, I mean I I don't know what to say, Dave, that's Say "Congratulations, John Mulaney.
" [clicks.]
Mul Mulaney? Good, right? But but you just described me.
You you said I was your writing partner.
- Oh, well, you - Yeah! - No, no - Remember the pickle - Yeah, yeah.
No, but - thing? Jim, you know, I need a writer-writer.
You know, like a like a Larry David-type.
You understand.
- I am a writer, Dave.
- No, J [laughing.]
.
Jim, the Mulaney, he's written like six season on "SNL.
" He developed his own network TV show.
You wrote a book about food that people read on the toilet.
I mean which is there's I mean, no shame in that whatsoever.
Hey, listen, I hate to do this.
I actually have to run out to meet Mulaney for a-a meeting.
Can you do me a favor and and I haven't been paid yet and just get the tab? Just just this once? - You know? I I I really - Just this you've never paid - appreciate it.
I appreciate it.
- for lunch! But D You're paying for that vomit! Christian.
- [man beatboxing.]
- Uh, let me explain.
No, c-come Uh, uh it it wasn't my fault! I -