The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s02e05 Episode Script

[Larry.]
Let's talk about movies.
What are you working on? [Man.]
I thought we weren't Gonna talk about that.
No-- well, i thought, You know, Since you're Basically known As a film director, It might be fun To talk about Some of your films.
Is that a problem? I'll say that, And then you'll say, "Oh, it's one of Those movies," right? No.
I won't.
You won't? What is it, one of Those heaven can wait Type of movies? [Audience laughs.]
We'll talk About something else.
Ok, good.
Uh, so, hobbies.
You got some hobbies? What do you-- You have a hobby? No.
No.
[Laughter.]
Do you have, uh-- I see-- I hear that You travel a lot.
Yes.
So, uh, you going On vacation soon or-- Well, i'm in The middle of that movie.
And what Is that about? Again we're Coming back to the-- You're not gonna Talk about the movie At all.
Honestly, i thought We wouldn't talk about it Because i always Feel kind of awkward, You know, doing that.
It's great To talk to you About anything, And we certainly Don't need to talk About movies.
How about Merchandising? You want to talk About that? That seems to be The new big thing In hollywood.
They make The movie, then They merchandise, And they make More money yet.
Yes.
So what kind of items Would you Be merchandising For your new movie? Maybe If we knew that, We could figure out, Ah, it's A so-and-so doll.
We'll Work backwards.
It's a story About a man who's Finding himself.
[Laughter.]
Aw, bullshit.
It Was an excellent show.
Boy, i thought i Handled the levinson Interview poorly.
Oh, you always do this When you're renegotiating Your contract.
You think so? Larry, how are Those new contract Negotiations coming? Hiya, stevie.
Hey, stevie.
Oh, they're Going good.
Good.
Oh, yeah, really? Yeah, really.
All right.
Just remember, you've got The network by the balls.
They can't do this job.
Thank you.
I'll remember that.
What brings you here Tonight? Well, i signed Barry levinson last week.
Just came by To hold his hand.
Say, listen, If you guys need Any help booking guests, Just pick up the phone.
Listen, i think we've got it Under control, young man.
Thank you.
Hey, if leo is Having a hard time With this thing, I'd sure like To take a shot at it.
Leo's got This covered, Thank you, though.
Really? Yeah, no problem.
Good.
All right, larry.
It's good to see you, And, uh, remember, Don't let go till You get what you want.
Good to know.
Fucking little snot.
He's too busy Playing with his balls To shake my hand.
You're always supposed To shake a man's hand.
Well, i think that guy's The next mike ovitz, You know? Excuse me, guys.
I'm sorry.
You didn't Happen to see stevie, Did you? Uh, yeah, barry, He just went Down that way.
Oh, ok.
Funny poison oak Story there.
Just great.
Thanks.
Thank you Very much.
I'll see you then.
Ok.
Hey, listen, What's the movie You're working on Currently? Larry, i said that i didn't Really want to talk About it, you know? Oh, i thought that Was just out there, You know.
Now we're back here, I thought you could tell me What you're working on.
Yeah, but, back there, Back here, What's the difference? I'm still telling you.
No, but it's different.
That was out there In front of everybody.
Now we're back here.
If you wanted to know who The guests were tomorrow Night, i'd tell you.
Ok.
Ask me who the guests are Tomorrow night.
I'd tell you.
The guests? Yeah.
Ask me.
All right, Who are the guests? Tomorrow night? Yeah, tomorrow night.
Who are the guests Tomorrow night? I'd rather not say.
Ok.
Delight, delight.
How did that feel, Barry? Terrific.
Anytime.
Good.
Have a good one.
All righty.
Talented man.
Yeah, but very closed And private.
Well, you know, A sign of genius.
Excuse me, larry? Leo's waiting in Your office for you.
Oh, jeez.
Ok, I'll be right there.
I forgot All about leo.
You know, What am i gonna do About these Fucking contract Negotiations? They're Going nowhere.
At least leo knows how To shake a man's hand.
Great show tonight, guys.
Except you really should Have found out about Levinson's new project.
That's what the audience Wants to know.
He just told me.
Oh, really? What's he doing? I can't say.
Excuse me.
Artie, i need A small favor.
Is it ok if i use the stage During the day For the next few weeks? Not shooting one of Those fucking infomercials, Are you? No, no, i'm putting Together an act.
For one of Those infomercials.
No.
Telethon? No, to go On the road.
What road? Artie, enough.
Ok, ok.
Come on.
Sit down Here with me.
What kind of act? Well, some songs, A few jokes, A little soft shoe, You know like sammy Used to do, But with a twist.
What's the twist? I'm doing it.
That's quite A twist, hank.
Why don't you just Rehearse at home? Well, i have been, But for the dancing, You see, You need a hard surface, And my place has That wall-to-wall shag.
I'm sure Your driveway Will do just fine.
Come on, artie.
This act Is a dream of mine, and i-- You need Some quick cash.
Don't demean my dream.
You've sunk all Your money in that Silly restaurant, And now you're Completely fucked.
Artie, please.
Aw, shit.
All right, hank.
Make sure You clean up After yourself.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much.
Oh, uh, artie, I expect to see You and elaine, Front row center At the el toro civic arena Exactly 4 weeks From tonight.
Hey, what are you Opening with? "Spinning wheel," But, you know, With a latin flavor.
Sounds like a showstopper.
Oh, it is.
It is.
Hank, you don't open With a showstopper.
So, how's my Favorite client? Yeah, sorry To keep you waiting.
What's the word From the network? Um, you want to talk Over a drink, Or you want To stay here, or-- Either way Is fine with me.
You know What's fine with me.
Here's good.
What's the word? Um Hey! Leo! My man! My man! So what you been doing With yourself? Oh, i been here, There, everywhere.
You know Who i bumped into? Remember that redhead, The tall georgette-- Georgeanne-- Could we please Talk about the network? Oh, sure.
I had lunch With Head of business Affairs today.
You want All the details, Or you want The general Gist? No, just give me The figure.
Oh, well, This is their Latest offer.
Um, no offense, Artie.
None taken.
Oh, come on.
I've been doing this show For 6 years, leo.
That's low.
Well, that's Ballpark, isn't it? "Ballpark"? I don't know what ballpark You're talking about.
I thought We were going to go After letterman money.
Well, letterman had To leave a network In order to get That kind of money.
I mean, is that The kind of move You want to make? Is it? It's not leno money, Is it? Oh, no, no.
It's much better Than that.
Whew.
'Cause i hear He's getting fucked.
Oh, he's getting fucked.
Look, let's not worry About leno money Or letterman money.
Let's talk about Sanders money.
No.
Okay, let's talk About sanders money.
What does arsenio get? Too much.
Yeah, i mean, It's different with him.
I mean, he's syndicated, For one.
I just think We can do better, That's all i'm saying.
Ok.
Good.
How much better? What do you mean? I want you to tell me How much better.
Mmm.
I don't know.
Would you just pass On that amount? All right.
Uh, larry, how Much of a fight Do you want To put up here? I-- i don't Want to fight, leo.
I want you to fight, ok? Gotcha! Larry, are you busy? Hey, look at you.
Leo, my god.
How are you? Gorgeous, yeah.
It's been so long.
Still with these nuts, huh? I know.
I always Knew you two would Get back together.
How 'bout We celebrate, I take us all Out to musso's Like old times? Can't go tonight.
Wish i could.
Another night, maybe.
Well, what about Tomorrow night? We could all Go to larry's house.
[French accent.]
Can you feed this Young hellcat, too? Well, i certainly can And you can bring, uh-- Elaine's in kenya.
Another one of Her stupid safaris, But i would Be delighted to Be there, my dear.
Great.
Are you leaving? Yeah.
What? Wasn't i Supposed to invite him? No.
It was fine.
Uh, so, larry, I'm going to the Network tomorrow, And i'll talk to you As soon as I hear something.
Great.
Great.
Well, i mean, would You rather me talk To them tonight? Whichever, leo.
Tomorrow or today, Or tomorrow or tonight, Whatever works for you.
Well, i'll try To talk to them tonight, But if i can't, Tomorrow's ok, right? Ok, well, i'll See you tomorrow.
Ta-ta, leo Good night.
Good night.
What's going on? Is there a problem with leo? Larry's thinking Of getting rid of leo.
Aren't you? You can't fire leo After all these years.
I don't know What you guys Are talking about.
Beverly, this Is stevie grant.
Hi.
Beverly, my assistant.
The voice On the phone.
Why, you're Even lovelier In person.
Well, thank you.
Coming from an agent, I'll take that With a grain of salt.
Look out.
She's A sassy one.
I beg your pardon? Beverly, can i have My messages, please? Uh, yeah, Here they are.
Thank you, thank you.
How was spago? Oh, it was great.
We saw meryl streep.
Meryl streep? Really? Yeah.
She's a client.
She's a big pain in the ass.
She's very nice.
Well, She's an actress.
Well, she seemed Very nice, really.
[Hank.]
hey, now.
Mr.
Stevie grant.
Well, if it isn't The king of the couch Hank kingsley.
Well, what A pleasure this is.
Mr.
Stevie grant.
This is an honor.
The honor is mine, sir.
Thank you.
Uh Stevie, listen, I don't know What you're Doing next week, But, um, i'm Previewing something At the Reseda playhouse That i think you Might be awfully Interested in.
Maybe you and Your special person Could drop by? I'm there, hank.
Oh, that's great! So, stevie, Your tickets will Be at "will call" Under Mr.
Stevie grant, Super-agent, Plus one.
Great.
Great.
Great.
Uh, stevie? Can i ask you, Um, you know, What night? ErWhat night? Let's play it By ear, honcho.
Ok Big guy.
[Shoes tap.]
[Larry.]
hank, hank, hank? Yeah? Is it my imagination Or are you clicking? Yeah.
These are The, uh, tap shoes.
Why? For dancing, silly.
Silly you.
Silly me.
Oh, um, bev, bev, Um, uh, um, Call darlene And tell her i need That 5-pound bag Of sand onstage.
Asap.
[Shoes tap.]
He's doing that Big tap number from lawrence of arabia.
It's a killer.
Tell me the truth, Stevie.
You take your clients To lunch.
You don't all buy 'em Frozen yogurt, though, Do ya? Just you, larry.
Good to know.
So, larry, Are we, uh On? Yeah.
[Sighs.]
yeah.
Boom! You're Number one! Ha ha.
I'll have you come Down to the agency And sign Some contracts, All right? Yeah, well, i like To close all my deals With just a handshake If that's all right.
Me, too! Good.
I'll send some contracts Over for you to sign In the morning.
[Knock on door.]
Oh, you got company.
Artie, a pleasure.
Really excited, Larry.
I'll call you When i have Some news.
Jeez, i learned How to shake A man's hand Before i learned how To wipe my own ass! He's got a different style, That's all, artie.
That kind of style got men Fragged in the corps.
Yeah, well, I just signed With him.
Aw, christ.
What? Do you always fuck On the first date? It just so happens he's good.
Good at what? Lunch? He got us Bill murray For friday.
No shit? That's right.
[Yells.]
You know all leno's Got on friday? Sandra bernhard And carrot top.
[Hank.]
* Talking 'bout Your troubles * What the fuck is that? That's hank.
He's rehearsing on the stage.
It's coming through The air vent.
Hey ** [Music continues.]
Oh, that's ridiculous.
I know.
I know.
I told him to go With a samba, Not with a salsa, If he's gonna do The latin thing.
[Hank.]
no, no, no ** [Music stops.]
Leo will not take this Personally, huh? Right? Oh, no.
I mean, he'll understand Won't he? Of course.
Good, 'cause It's just business.
Just business.
Right? Good.
Poor leo.
[Hank.]
* What goes up Must come 'round * Isn't it "come down"? He's scatting.
Leo, you want Some ice cream? No.
Ever since i had This tooth removed, I'm really sensitive To cold on this side.
Artie? Dairy clogs me up, Francine.
I'll stick With my salty dog.
Larry? Huh? Uh, goes Right to my hips.
I'll have a little.
I'll eat On the left side.
I thought so.
You just say when.
Just give me My standard 10% Of larry's portion.
Come on, let's not Talk business tonight.
We're having this nice Little dinner.
Come on.
What are you Talking about? Huh? All right, I had lunch With stevie grant.
You had lunch With stevie grant? Hey! Clog me up There, francine.
Ah, to hell with it.
You had lunch With stevie grant? Uh, francine, dear, Let me help you With the dishes.
I think You should have At least mentioned this To leo before now.
It's not That big a deal.
Francine, you-- You wash, i'll dry.
Larry has A dishwasher.
Leo, i had no idea.
All right, dear.
You rinse, i'll load.
[Scoffs.]
It was A little lunch.
Why are we Making such a-- Do you want me To help? No.
You stay Right there.
Hang in there, Leo! I mean, if you're-- If you're unhappy About anything, I can do it, You know, Differently.
I mean, If you want me To do anything Differently, Just tell me.
I mean, is there Anything that i do That annoy-- That annoys you? No.
No.
I just thought it was Time for some changes.
Well, fine.
And i had A little lunch.
Well, fine.
Well, let's-- What can we Change here? Nothing.
I'm going with stevie.
It is A business decision.
This is not-- It doesn't have to Affect our friendship.
Please, leo, Don't do this.
Oh, oh.
Not the nuts.
You know, leo? Ohhh.
Hey, larry.
Doc.
Good to see you, man.
Good to see you.
See you brought your Mah-jongg set with you.
Never without it.
So you doing panel, Or you doing a number? No.
I'm doing a number.
Good, good.
Well, you look good.
You look like You've been working out.
No.
Thick shirt.
Well, it works for you.
Hey, i had lunch With leo yesterday At musso's.
How's he doing? Let me tell you, He was destroyed.
I mean, you were His biggest client.
Yeah.
You know, doc, I feel awful about The thing with leo.
Nah, lighten up.
I mean, you know, The only reason I stay with leo Is because he goes On the road with me.
But he hasn't done shit For my career.
I mean, he shit All over my career.
Right.
Good.
All right, I hear you, man.
We see that Eye-to-eye.
See you later.
How's emily? Good? Oh, she's doing good.
I'll tell her-- Tell her i said hi.
Ok.
Bye.
Hey, sid, Nice to see you.
Hey! Hey! How you doing, man? [Soft voice.]
Doc, i'm thrilled you-- Oh, no, i'm trying To go easy on my pipes.
You know? I'm saving it For the people.
Uh, doc, listen, Could i pop a couple ideas Off you about my act? You have an act? Just like ed mcmahon, You have an act.
Well, i wear many hats, You know.
Now, that's Quite an act.
Ok, here it is, ok? See, the curtains part, And it's a, you know, And tuxedoes, But every musician Has a mustache.
You know, because You have to have A sense of humor About yourself, Is that right? Yeah.
Uh, how about All bald guys? Ok, ok, ok.
Now, what's funny About that? Tell melanie 5:30 Instead of 6:00.
Larry.
Hi, shel.
Good to see you.
Well, this is A fortuitous encounter.
Floor? I'm just going up To the commissary.
Oh, special today: Macaroni and cheese.
I know.
My favorite.
Sounds like one Of those cop shows You'd have on, Doesn't it? "He's italian.
She's from wisconsin.
" macaroni and cheese.
You are so funny, Larry.
I was so surprised To hear That you were thinking About leaving the network.
What, is this your way Of firing me, shel? Oh, no, But that stevie grant Is such A tough negotiator.
I tell you, I didn't know You were so unhappy, But i can't believe You're gonna be Moving to new york.
Well, new york? I have mixed emotions About that, you know? I mean, do you really Think you'd be happy Living in new york? Ha.
I-- [Clears throat.]
I like new york.
You know, the, uh, Museums, the park.
You know, you can Walk everywhere.
I just wish those Bean counters at unidech Would give me a bigger budget.
I understand that, sheldon.
I know how that works.
Stevie grant has no fears.
Well, of course, It isn't his career He's playing with.
[Bell dings.]
At any rate, I wish you happiness Wherever you land, lar.
Thank you, shel.
And i mean that From my heart as a friend.
What a pain in the ass.
Why are you telling them I wanna move to new york? I don't want To move to new york.
Larry, larry, larry, Nobody's Going to new york.
This is All about leverage.
"About leverage"? Mm-hmm.
You don't like new york? I happen to, uh, You know, hate new york.
But on the show, You're always talking About what A great city it is.
Well, um, I also happen to talk About what a great city Jacksonville is Because we have Affiliates there.
Larry, you let me Handle this, all right? You just concentrate On doing a good show Because, frankly, There's a lot of Syndication people Out there-- "Syndication"? Yes, syndication.
Uh-huh, syndication.
If we can't make a deal With one Of the networks, Screw 'em! When did this become A "screw 'em" situation? Just roughly? Well, it's a very Complex deal, larry.
I mean, You don't want to know All the specifics, ok? Just remember one thing.
If anybody asks, You're dying To move to new york.
You know, that is easy For you to say.
There are gonna be People on this show Who are gonna Want to know How these negotiations Are going.
Trust nobody on this! Hey, trust nobody On this, larry.
Ok? Promise me.
[Whispering.]
Oh, man.
All right, can i Just tell francine? I'd rather You didn't.
[Mutters.]
Ok.
Who's francine? Yeah.
See? Tommy, i think-- See, right there, You know? I think we need To punch it, you know? When i go, * Ride a painted pony * * Let the spinning Wheel bwaaa * You know? Just to punch it With the horns Or something? We don't have Any horns, hank.
Could be worse.
You could be In leno's band.
You owe me big For this.
Excuse me.
Uh, how much Would the horns cost? Uh-huh.
Ok.
You know what? I think i'm just Gonna sing the "bwaa.
" I mean, you know, Make it like a joke.
That's funny, huh? ** [Music begins.]
* What goes up * * Must come down * * Spinning wheel * * Got to go round * * Talking 'bout Your troubles * * It's a crying sin * * Ride a painted pony * * Let the spinning Wheel bwaaa * * Got no money-- uhh! * * Got no home * * Spinning wheel * * All alone * [Chuckles.]
Hank has got a pair of cojones The size of texas.
You gotta Give him that.
Listen, this stevie grant Is just totally Out of fucking control.
So where you Gonna live, huh? Upper westside? Tribeca? Maybe you and me Could bunk up together In the village? Listen, what have you Heard exactly? Oh-- hank? It's step-tap-tap, Not step-step-tap.
Got it? Artie, i just don't know If stevie grant knows What he's doing at all.
What, is all this new york rumor Just a bunch of bullshit? I just happen to be Keeping my options open, ok? Oh, no, no, No, hank.
[Hank.]
no, no, no.
No, no, guys.
Something's Not right.
I think, uh, Right there, I think we need, uh, I don't know, Like a bassoon In the chorus.
You know? I mean, um, Do any of you guys Have a bassoon In your car or-- A bassoon? Yeah.
Ok, that's fine.
We don't need it.
I'll just ** [Music begins.]
* What goes up Must come down * So you got to let Mr.
Stevie grant Do his thing.
Yeah, well, His thing scares me.
Hank can do the "bwaaa" Without the horns.
I think so.
Don't you? I don't know.
Larry! Hey, stevie.
Hank just Forced me To sit through That act of his.
How can you Stand it? What, that bad, Was it? It's the worst Piece of shit I've ever seen.
Hey, you should Really consider Replacing him If new york happens.
I thought you said That new york was Just a leverage device, That i wasn't Going to new york? It was, but, you know, The agency has a very Good relationship With king world, And they like The sound of new york.
Yeah, well, So does liza minnelli, But that doesn't mean I want to go to new york.
You have to start To trust me, really.
Because we can't-- Uh, i just, uh, sorry.
I just-- I-- i saw you, You know, standing there.
You were watching.
I just-- Do you have any notes? It was Excellent, hank.
It was Just excellent.
Really? Really? Thank you.
It was good? What can i say? You're A quadruple threat.
You're a singer, A dancer, a raconteur, And a singer again Because you're Just that good.
Thanks.
I'm Gonna just take that As a vote Of confidence.
You do that, My friend.
Wow.
That's Pretty great, huh? Huh? Yeah, good, good.
But the hank thing Was even worse Because He made it sound Like he's gonna Represent hank, And i know That he never will.
Uh-oh.
What, you Stick yourself? Hank fired his agent This afternoon.
See, i told you.
Because he thinks That stevie's gonna Represent him, right? Well, it Would appear so.
I hate That little prick.
Larry, i tell you, I never liked him.
He's a liar.
It's sickening, artie.
I don't care If this is the way People do business In show business.
I don't want To be around it.
Why don't you just let him Take the commission? Then you can Go back to leo.
Leo's not right either.
I don't know what to do.
I can't stay with stevie.
He's 2-faced, And he's weird.
He's just Plain weird, artie.
I've got the new offer From the network.
I'll leave You two alone.
Listen, stevie, Before i, uh-- Just check it out.
Yeah, fine, sit down.
Before i check this out, There's some things i Gotta talk to you about.
I've been thinking today About a lot of stuff, And i have a lot Of things on my mind That i want To mention to you.
So it was nice Doing business with you.
Yeah, yeah.
Ok, then.
Good, thanks.
Ok, then.
Artie, a pleasure Dealing with you.
Same here, kiddo.
Little prick.
Sickening.
Oh, larry, are we going To the dodgers game Tomorrow night, Or is that friday? Friday.
Ok.
See you friday, Stevie!