The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (2017) s02e05 Episode Script

1 (CAR HORN HONKING) (HORN CONTINUES HONKING) (WOMEN SINGING IN GERMAN) MOISHE: Oy, my ass.
SHIRLEY: I'm gonna be carsick.
We're here, Shirley.
Your moment's passed.
- Can I help you, Mr.
Maisel? - Head towards the trunk.
- Yes, sir.
- The trunk.
The trunk.
May I take your coat, Mrs.
Maisel? - What? No.
- Yes, ma'am.
It's 200 degrees outside, Shirl.
- I'm fine.
- BELLHOP: Front seat? She's got our silver sewn into the lining.
- Don't tell them.
- Follow me.
- Yes, sir.
- SHIRLEY: Careful with that.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Well, hello there.
- Did you have a nice trip? - Yes.
- Take this.
- Shirley, I need the keys.
- Okay, watch it, watch it.
- The keys.
The keys.
I've got it.
SHIRLEY: What are you doing? Where are you going? - I'm getting the keys.
- He's getting the keys.
Leave him alone.
- Do these go, too? - Of course.
And the roasting pan.
Where's the roasting pan? The entire Catskills is a roasting pan.
- My God, the heat.
- It is terrible.
- Here.
How you doing? - Thank you.
- Relaxed? - Yes.
Taking it easy in your old age? - I'll take these back - Here we go.
- Don't drop them.
- Don't drop anything.
They're dropping them.
Oh, that's dropped.
I think I left the iron on.
No, you didn't leave the iron on.
Now, give these free clothes to all the workers.
- You understand? - Yes, sir.
- Did I leave the iron on? - You didn't leave the iron on.
Maisel and Roth gave them all those brand-new, slightly damaged but perfectly good free clothes.
Yes, that's why we don't tip.
You don't tell people that, Shirley.
SHIRLEY: Well, people wonder.
An explanation never hurts.
MAN (OVER P.
A.
): Attention, Steinerites, Moishe and Shirley Maisel have arrived.
(GRIMLY): I repeat, they have arrived.
But what about the lounge at the Concord? - Any day for the rest of August.
- MAN: Who is this broad? The next big thing.
Trust me, you won't be sorry.
MAN: I'm always sorry.
Concord's booked.
OPERATOR: To continue this call, please insert 30 cents.
Shit.
Hold on.
- Mel, you still there? - I'm still here.
What about the small stage at Kutshers? - I heard you had an opening there.
- From who? Who cares? You got it or not? OPERATOR: To continue this call, insert another 30 cents.
- I just gave you 30 cents.
- Please insert 30 cents.
- I just Shit! - 30 cents for the next minute.
Can you hold on a fuckin' minute?! - MEL: Me? - No.
- There.
Choke on it.
- Me? No, the bitch operator.
OPERATOR: I don't appreciate that kind of language, sir.
- I'm on a business call, lady.
- That's not much of an apology.
- Get off the phone.
- That will be another 30 cents, please.
You can't just randomly charge me money because you're mad.
- Oh, can't I? - MEL: Susie, I have a business to run.
- I can't sit here all day.
- What about Kutshers? - (DIAL TONE BUZZING) - Hello? Shit! - (TELEPHONE RINGS) - Hello? OPERATOR: You still owe 30 - Hi there.
- Uh, hi.
I'm Chester.
- Not a surprise.
- Who are you? - No one.
- Right.
I'll call you Brenda.
I know what you're doing, Brenda.
- What am I doing? - The plunger, brilliant.
I wish I'd thought of that.
- Hey, look, pal, I just work here.
- Right.
- Me, too.
- I do.
I do, too.
Look at this.
Look at me.
Do I look like I'm on vacation? No, you don't.
Okay, then.
I've been hanging around this resort for seven years, and this is the first time I've ever encountered a like-minded person.
We are not like-minded.
I know you, you know me.
I don't fucking know you.
We're kind of linked now, aren't we? - No.
- Crisscross, crisscross.
- Go away.
- You're right.
It's probably best we don't exchange names, Brenda.
- Your name is Chester.
- Is it? Okay, I have to get away from you.
- God, we are so much alike.
- We are nothing alike.
- Crisscross.
- What are you Crisscross.
Crisscross.
Let's sing a song about Susie That pretty little witty little Susie With the big brown eyes and the turned-up nose MAN: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Simon Says.
You know the rules.
I'm Simon, I says.
- Okay? We're ready? - ALL: We're ready.
Simon says you touch your nose.
Simon says you touch your toes.
Simon says touch your nose, touch your toes.
Ha! I didn't say "Simon says.
" - WOMAN: Oh - Simon says bend your knees.
- Simon says straighten - Adam, how did you get out? This isn't for you.
This is grown-up time.
- Simon says bark like a dog.
- (ALL BARK) Simon says stop barking.
Simon says right arm up.
Simon says left arm up.
Simon says right arm down, left arm down.
Ah.
- I didn't say - ALL: Simon says.
I know, I know.
See you on the other side.
Simon says run in a circle.
Simon says stop.
Simon says run in a circle backwards.
Simon says stop.
Simon says jump up and down on one foot.
I'm gonna grab a sandwich.
(GROANS, LAUGHTER) Mm.
Delicious.
Okay, stop.
- Ha.
- Fuck! (ALL GASP) I think I pulled my I snagged my Who else saw a bird? If you're out, get off the floor.
Yeah, I said it.
Simon says shake your tokus.
Since when does Buzz run Simon Says? - What happened to Arnold? - He got married to a Catholic.
Works in the Hamptons now shucking oysters.
He was our cantor.
Oh, I never win anything.
Ah, well, cheer up, it's only the first round.
- My God, is that Jack Bergen? - Simon says pound your chest - Mm, yes, it is.
- What happened? He had an entire head of hair last year.
- I know.
- All the men here are going bald.
It must be the tomato juice.
If his father's bald, then he'll go bald.
- That's the way it works.
- That's depressing.
Bald men can be attractive.
With the right hat.
I'm just tired of looking at the same sad men every year.
The pool never gets wider.
They're either bald or married or that.
- Simon says shimmy.
- (LAUGHTER) Simon says stop.
What on earth is he doing? Looks like he's heading to the cookies.
GABI: He walked right through a room full of girls and didn't look up once.
He's so odd, that one.
Handsome, though.
And single.
- GABI: With hair.
- ELIANA: Lots of hair.
GABI: And his father has his hair.
- TALIA: And he's not married? - MIDGE: No, not married.
Guess it was hard to find a nice girl in prison.
- Prison? - Oh, yes.
Just got out.
That's impossible.
For what? Only (WHISPERS) murder.
- (WOMEN GASP) - No.
Killed an entire family, and then left a bill.
Because he's a doctor.
He expects to get paid for his services.
That's how they caught him.
His surcharges.
Only one man in New York charges that much - for a cotton ball.
- Simon says clap your hands.
You're kidding.
Yes.
(LAUGHTER) MAN (OVER P.
A.
): Attention, Steinerites.
Will Miriam Mazel please report to building five? What's building five? - Miriam Mazel to building five.
- That's that new building over there.
- Where? - Be right back.
Simon says spin like a dreidel.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) Paging me now, are you? Well, the kid who usually sneaks you my messages swallowed some lake water and his head blew up like a balloon.
- That's terrible.
- I know.
He's so much harder to understand now.
Mmm, fries.
It's been a real suck my donkey dick kind of day, boy.
Thought I had a line on a gig for you at Grossinger's, but it was a bust.
Then Lawrence Feldstein tells me they had a cancellation at the small room at Kutshers, but that turned out to be bullshit, too.
- What are you looking for? - Ketchup.
I'm calling everyone I know, just not having any luck.
What's going on with you? Oh, my day's been crazy.
This morning was waffle breakfast day, which is very popular, and people get nuts.
You have to rush the condiment table really quick if you want to get your topping before your waffle gets cold.
After waffles, I lost $2.
00 to Dorothy Kulgberg at ping-pong.
Took a class on how to do a Cleopatra eye, which I soon discovered is one look I cannot pull off.
Then, right before I fucked up Simon Says, I had to rush back to the cottage to get my brother and sister-in-law's room ready for their arrival, and I completely lost track of time and missed my pastels class.
Oh, I wanted to take pastels class.
- Really? - No.
I don't give a fuck about pastels class.
Do you hear yourself? Who has a day like that? What are you, the lost Gabor sister? You should be walking around with a boa and a Pomeranian.
Someone's crabby.
I'm not crabby.
I'm hanging out in the woods trying to find you a gig.
Very similar to what I do back in New York, but with ticks.
- And that's why you're grumpy? - I'm not grumpy.
- You seem grumpy.
- I just want to land one of these gigs.
- That's it? - Yeah, that's it.
Plus, the other day, I turn around for a second and somebody grabbed my plunger and uses it.
- Oh, no.
- Doesn't even look to see if it belongs to anybody.
The fuckin' tag was still on it.
- I'm so sorry.
- Miriam, why are we still here? I'm making call after call, nothing's happening.
I'm completely out of change, and now I have to disguise my voice every time I make a long-distance call.
Why? Mort Sahl is at the Copa.
Freddy Roman is at Basin Street East.
Buddy Hackett's at the Blue Angel.
Your best friend Lenny Bruce is at Upstairs at the Downstairs next week.
You know what the common denominator is? Those comics are out there working at clubs.
You're up here in the woods pretending to be a pony.
And who the fuck takes somebody else's plunger and uses it?! What kind of a sick freak does that?! I know.
I'm sorry.
- What? - Nothing.
My badminton team made the semifinals, and the tournament's in 25 minutes.
I have to do my pregame stretches, otherwise I'll - Go.
- Fine.
MAN (OVER P.
A.
): Attention, any employee who wants to lead a game of freeze tag this afternoon on the main lawn, see Gil at lunch.
(MOUTHING) My parents gave us matching burial plots for our anniversary.
Oh, that's so nice.
One less thing you have to think about.
- Where are they? - Florida.
I would love to be buried in Florida.
Doesn't it sound wonderful, Rose? You being buried in Florida? I guess it does.
- Mama - She asked a question, I answered a question.
Moishe's insisting we get buried in Israel.
I could never be buried in the desert.
Oh, I do like dates, though.
I never want this conversation to end.
Time to put you under.
- Leave it alone.
- SHIRLEY: Okay, girls, talk loud enough so I can hear.
I don't want to miss anything juicy.
GOLDIE: Mrs.
Maisel, are you still here? Oh.
There's a call for you.
Oh.
Me? Thank you.
- Hello? - Miriam Maisel, Mrs.
O'Toole.
Oh, hello, Mrs.
O'Toole.
I know you're on vacation, but two girls are out sick, and one quit after I fired her.
I'm shorthanded.
If you can get here by 3:00 today, I can put you at the Revlon counter.
- The Revlon counter? - The Revlon counter.
Can you get here? Yes, I can.
I will.
We're talking about the same Revlon counter here, right? There's not a secret counter on the loading dock or next to the incinerator, is there? There's only one Revlon counter at B.
Altman.
- I will see you at 4:00.
- 3:00.
3:00.
Better.
3:00.
Thank you.
I'm back in the show.
What? What show? There's an opening at the Revlon counter, but I need to get back to the city by 3:00.
- Is Papa going back today? - No.
He has no reason to.
Shoot.
Bus.
I could take a bus.
- Have you ever taken a bus? - No, but how hard can it be? Get on and sit.
I can get on and sit.
Who has a bus schedule? Anyone have a bus schedule? What's going on? Who died? Am I missing something? No, Shirley, you're not.
How much would a cab ride be? - A lot? - Yes.
- Can I walk? - Have you lost your mind? It's the Revlon counter, Mama.
My son's going back today.
You could ride with him.
- Benjamin? - Oh, that's all right, she's gonna walk.
- Mama, please.
- Miriam, remember, he wouldn't row.
I only care if he can drive.
Just because he can doesn't mean he will.
A are you sure he's going back today, and soon? Every year, Benjamin comes to the Catskills with a box of cereal.
When the cereal's done, he goes home.
He had his last bowl this morning.
Would you like me to ask him to drive you back? - Do you think he'd mind? - Not at all.
I doubt he'll even know you're there.
Perhaps if you were a box of cereal.
I'll call him and tell him you'll meet him in the driveway.
May I have the phone? You better hurry.
He really hates the Catskills.
Thank you, Ida.
Thank you so much.
Mama, I'll be back as soon as I can.
Ugh.
Spray me.
Thanks.
Revlon counter! She really likes makeup.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) - Abe.
- One moment, Jerome.
There's a new indentation on the left side of the middle third of the table.
Were you aware of that? It's just a game, Abe.
Oh, well, why play at all if it's just a game? - Oh, boy.
- I play to win.
And to win, I need information.
I need to determine my best angles, velocity, wind resistance.
We're inside, Abe.
There is no wind resistance.
Ha, ha, you'd like me to believe that, wouldn't you, Jerome? Now, let's make sure this is regulation length.
Five months, two weeks, two days My lovin' baby's been gone Five months, two weeks, two days My lovin' baby's been gone If you see my baby Please send her home to me Hurry, oh, oh, baby Hurry, oh, oh, baby Hurry, oh, oh, baby Enough with the showing off already.
It's not showing off, it's just being a god amongst men.
You're amazing, Joel.
All those pins just flying around like they were scared of your ball.
- Could you teach me to do that? - I can teach you.
How he hell are you gonna teach her? You can't bowl.
If I can't and I'm not saying I can't it's only because I'm spending too much time running my own very successful business.
You have your own business? - Aluminum siding.
- What's that? It's what you use to beat yourself to death with while Robbie tells you about his business.
(WOMEN LAUGH) And it's his father's business, FYI.
- You should talk.
- True.
I work for my father.
He manufactures women's clothes.
- Really? - Shit.
- Do you get discounts? - Of course.
- Teach me to bowl, Joel.
- It's pretty easy.
I know nothing.
I wouldn't know where to put my fingers.
She wants me to show her where to put her fingers.
My chances are fair to good.
Let's play.
Thank God.
Listen to me, you mashugana alta kaka.
You do not tell me what I should know! I know! I want what I paid for.
You hear me, you goddamn schvantz? Hold on.
Hello, putz.
You cheating, lying No, no, no, don't even try to Abi gezunt dos leben ken zikh ale mol nemen.
I will not retract that! - Moishe.
- Hold on.
You need a phone? No, I don't need the phone.
You shouldn't be conducting work up here.
That is not what the Catskills is for.
- It's not.
- No.
The Catskills is a time to unwind.
It's a sanctuary from work.
- Do you see us working? - I do not see you working.
- There you go.
- I don't see you doing anything.
I see two men standing around a toy.
It is not a toy.
I apologize if my work has upset your playtime, but in my business, we're not so lucky to get the whole summer off, like some people.
We don't have ivory towers and uncalloused hands.
In my business, a man sweats and stinks till he dies.
All right, thank you for explaining that to me, but I have to insist that you stop yelling into two telephones because, clearly, yelling into one isn't enough while other people are trying to relax.
All right, I'm sorry.
I'll tell the two thieves who were trying to take food out of my family's mouth that they win.
- Thank you.
- They can continue to rape and pillage as they see fit.
You're still holding two phones.
Fuck you.
I'll call you back.
Good? Great.
- If you'll excuse me.
- JOEL: So you hold the ball up.
RUTHIE: It's so heavy.
It's seven pounds.
It's a turkey.
You make a turkey? I make a great turkey.
You would love my turkey.
I'm allergic to turkey.
So, anyhow, you walk up to the edge of the lane and throw the ball toward the pins.
Wow.
You're a natural.
MAN (OVER P.
A.
): Attention, Mrs.
Greenstein, your husband is waiting for you on the main porch.
He says he'll wait five more minutes.
- Hi.
- Hello.
Thank you so much for this.
You have no idea how important this is.
Yes, I heard something about the Revlon counter.
Well, it's more about where the Revlon counter is.
- Where is it? - It's in the makeup department.
The makeup department! You should've told me.
- You sure this is okay? - What? You giving me a ride.
Seems like a moral imperative if we're talking about the makeup counter.
- Is that all? - Yes.
BENJAMIN: You travel light.
You'd do well in a covered wagon or fleeing Egypt.
- Anyone need to go potty? - MIDGE: I'm fine.
Thanks.
BENJAMIN: Lives are at stake.
I don't stop.
MIDGE: I'm like a camel.
Okay, here we go.
So is there a sale at the Revlon counter or ? MIDGE: Oh, boy.
Abe, I'm begging you, I'm not a well man.
In such a hurry to lose, Jerome? Cigar smoking is not allowed in the rec room, you know that.
JOEL: Ruthie, focus.
Look down there, not at me, okay? - Just aim for the middle pin.
- Like this? Not till the guy's done resetting the pins.
Jesus.
- Sorry, Bill.
- BILL: That's okay.
Here.
Now when the guy's done, aim for the pins.
- Aren't you gonna watch me? - Like a fucking hawk.
- You having a good time? - Sure.
- BILL: Oh, Jesus! - (PINS CLATTER) - He wasn't done yet, Ruthie.
- RUTHIE: He looked done.
- Nice girl.
- Sure.
Why not? A lot of nice girls here this year.
I'll take your word for it.
Avi, you're up.
Nice looking, too.
Girls over there, for example.
Here comes another 8-10 split from the mighty Gardenswartz.
- (PINS CLATTER) - They seem very interested in you.
- Who does? - The girls.
They want to learn to bowl.
They're flirting.
Why aren't you flirting back? I let them bowl a frame.
Look, Valentino, you're single now.
- You're up, Maisel.
- Just in the nick of time.
Hey, smart ass, I'm an old man, but I know things.
I rarely give you advice.
You remember the last piece of advice I gave you? - Don't get the clap.
- Came in handy, didn't it? I'm fine.
Don't worry about me.
MAN (OVER P.
A.
): Attention, Mrs.
Greenstein, Mr.
Greenstein will wait five more minutes, but that's it.
No! My calculations must be off.
I need a sharpener.
Sharpener! NEWS ANNOUNCER: 1959 saw the bird of war erupting in the Middle East.
In Cairo, cheering crowds greeted President al-Quwatli of Syria as he arrived to sign a pact with President Nasser of Egypt establishing the United Arab League.
The U.
S.
embassy in Moscow was a target of the carefully planned demonstration to protest the presence of American troops in Lebanon.
who emerged from the welter of red intrigue to rule alone with supreme power after his buddy, Premier Bulganin, was retiring.
Kamoi loomed large in the news when the Chinese reds announced that they were extending their territorial water limit to 12 miles, which took in Kamoi, a bastion in the defense of nationalist Formosa.
(RADIO SWITCHING CHANNELS) Hold my hand, baby, just once in a while That's all need, that's all I need - And I'll be sa - (RADIO SWITCHING CHANNELS) NEWS ANNOUNCER: Alaska became the 49th and largest American state.
Bought from Russia in 18 There are renewed calls today for real estate developer Robert Moses to step down as Chairman of New York City's committee on slum clearance.
The demands came after Mr.
Moses dismissed the city's billion dollar Title One program as a dead duck.
(RADIO STATIC) (RADIO TURNS OFF) Moses's mother, the only person in New York City who still likes him, came to her son's defense, insisting that his remark was misconstrued and that the phrase "dead duck" has positive connotations for him.
She said that little Robbie Moses carried his deceased duck Quackers to school with him each day for company at playtime and slept with it at night.
The duck was alive when it was given to him, Mrs.
Moses clarified, but little Robert snapped its neck when it waddled between him and a dollar bill.
In other news, Hawaii is now a state.
A few Jewish women are campaigning to have it moved to an area off the coast of Long Island because that's a long flight.
This just in, religion is being replaced by news radio as the opiate of the masses because, much like opiates, it puts people to sleep.
We interrupt our previously scheduled program to bring you this: the world is ending.
Everything's bad.
The Russians have landed.
Does anyone actually like borscht? A Frenchman, a Yankee, and a Ruskie walk into a bar in Geneva No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no That's all I need That's all I need, and I'll be So satisfied, and I'll That Kutsher's lead turned out to be a total bust.
Apparently, everything's booked till doomsday.
Really? Sorry, Susie.
I thought for sure that was a good tip.
It was a shit tip.
I don't need a shit tip.
I need a real tip that leads to a real club date.
You work at the fucking Morris agency.
- In accounting.
- Who cares? You stand at the urinals with those dicks and their dicks.
You hear them talk.
Now give me something.
I don't know why I'm helping you.
Because you hate that place.
I hate that fucking place.
And helping me is screwing them.
You know, I actually used to sing.
Folk songs, show tunes, did a lot of industrials.
I loved it.
- Well, you must've been great.
- I wasn't bad.
- I was being sarcastic.
- My cousin worked at the agency.
I covered for him while he went on his honeymoon.
His wife murdered him in Panama, so Fred, I promise, if you never tell me anything about your personal life again and a tip you give me actually leads to anything, I will give you a taste.
Now just give me something, something good, something that Uh is here in the Catskills, something soon.
FRED: Oh, I got something.
Does your comic work blue? She'll work any fucking color you want.
The Concord may have a midnight spot available.
It's their dirty spot and the guy they booked just found Jesus.
They're looking for a replacement.
I'll, uh, I'll get you the number.
- Excuse me? What are you - Plunger.
- Oh, sorry.
- Okay, go ahead.
Thank you.
- You're a very decent gentleman.
- Blame my mother.
I'll buy you a drink back in the Catskills, a thank you drink.
Oh, no.
I've done my Catskills time for the year.
I'm not buying another box of cereal until January.
Oh.
Okay.
Well, then I guess, until next year.
Hey.
I have tickets to a Broadway show.
- Oh, yeah? - Tomorrow night.
New play, a patient gave them to me.
So you work on the barter system? People think if they buy me things, I'll work harder to keep them alive.
- Are they right? - Yes.
So - So - Would you like to go? Do you like me? I don't know.
If you go, can you possibly stay quiet that long? I don't know.
Fair enough.
So, tomorrow, 7:00, Adelphi Theatre? - 7:30? I'm coming from work.
- Okay.
Okay.
Wow.
What's gonna happen? S'wonderful, s'marvelous You should care for me Awfully nice, s'paradise S'what I long to see - You showed.
- You doubted? Your shoes match your purse.
How does that happen? - Witchcraft.
- Hmm You can't blame me for feeling amorous S'wonderful.
LIZZIE: My father had many enemies.
He was rich.
They wanted his money.
SEWELL: Then you do not include yourself among his enemies.
DR.
STONE: I refuse to allow this to go on.
She is not well.
LIZZIE: Mr.
Phipps, please take me home.
PHIPPS: You talk of protecting this girl I think she needs protection from you.
SEWELL: Wait! Clerk, call the officer.
- PHIPPS: What is to be done? - SEWELL: What else can I do? Place Miss Lizzie Borden under arrest.
- I really like the theatre.
- I do, too.
Sitting in a dark room, everyone enjoying a story.
- There's electricity in the air.
- Agreed.
And this play, I mean, it's got everything: - curtains, lights.
- A floor.
It does have a floor.
- I'm just wondering - Yes? Why did they make a play about Lizzie Borden? There's not a lot of story there.
40 whacks, 41 whacks And why did they put the murder in the first act? I mean, isn't that the whole big thing that happens? Well, the clean up was quite extensive.
- But what's the second act? - Oh, no.
- What? - Act two's a trial.
- Shit! - I hate trials.
All that ridiculous Perry Mason crap.
The "I object" and "Your Honor, may I approach?" And the banging with the gavel.
- And the righteous district attorney.
- I hate district attorneys.
And somebody's gonna get up and give a big dramatic speech.
- Where the actor spits on you.
- They have to spit on you.
- It's not dramatic unless they spit on you.
- I've been to real trials.
No one gives a dramatic speech, but they still spit on you.
(BELL CHIMES) Wait, what are you doing? I'm finished with it anyhow.
- We're not going back, are we? - Aren't we? - No.
- We can't just leave.
Didn't you hear all that stuff we just said? Perry Mason, trials, speeches, spitting? Yes, but it's a play.
You have to sit through the whole play.
- Who says? - The play police.
I am not sitting through any more of this.
But what if the actors notice that our seats are empty? They've seen this play.
They'll understand.
Hell, they expect it.
They'll be confused if we do come back.
I've never walked out halfway through a play before.
I feel a little dirty, like like, we could go back in and we're not.
I feel so grown up, so alive.
Wait till you throw your program in the trash.
My God.
My God, my God, my God.
We're leaving.
- Well, don't be a jerk about it.
- Sorry.
Oh, I know where we can go.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage the one, the only Lenny Bruce! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) LENNY: All right.
Now, Sunday, Christ and Moses fly to New York, transcontinental.
$88 to Chicago, $35 to bet.
All right.
Let's see, they'd say, uh, "Oh, what's playing at Saint Pat's?" Oh, good double-bill, Spellman and Sheen.
Nice one.
Mr.
Spellman and Mr.
Sheen.
- (VOCALIZING) All right.
- (LAUGHTER) Now, Christ and Moses both possessed humility.
Why? Wisdom.
That's it.
Anybody who is secure, there's never any hostility 'cause he's cool.
So they just stand there, in the back of St.
Patrick's, and they'd listen, look around.
Cardinal Spellman would be relating love and giving and forgiveness to the people.
- And Christ would be confused - (SOFT LAUGHTER) because their route took them through Spanish Harlem and he would wonder what 40 Puerto Ricans were doing living in one room and this guy had a ring on that was worth eight grand.
(LAUGHTER) And he'd wonder at the grandeur.
"So why aren't the Puerto Ricans living here? It's clean and nice and what does it all mean?" And maybe Bishop Sheen would see them in the back there, and he would run up to Spellman on the lectern.
"Psst, I want to talk to you a minute.
" "What is it?" "What is it? Oh, you're never gonna guess who's here.
" "Who's here?" "You're not gonna believe me, you're gonna think I've been drinking.
" "All right, who's here?" (EXHALES) "Christ and Moses.
" "Are you putting me on, now?" "I'm telling you they're here.
" "Are you sure it's them?" "Well, I've only seen them in pictures, "but I'm pretty sure it's them.
"Moses is a ringer for Charlton Heston, and, uh, I'm sure.
" "Where are they standing?" "In the back.
Don't look now, you idiot.
They can see us.
" "All right, give me a direct line to Rome, quickly.
"Hello? John, it's Fran in New York.
"Yes, uh, listen.
A couple of kids dropped in, and, uh, "uh, well, you know them.
"Uh, one kid is, uh, well, he's I'll With a cross of bop-bop "No, not Zoro.
"Him.
That's right.
"He brought a very attractive Jewish boy with him.
"Well, you got to do something.
"I No.
Well, put him up at your place.
"Huh? Yeah, they're in the back.
"The way in the back.
Of course they're white.
" (LAUGHTER) my lawyer gives me a thumbs-up.
Thank you, good night.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) - So? - So what? You just saw Lenny Bruce.
What did you think? Funny.
And he didn't spit once.
He's brilliant.
He gets arrested for the things he says.
Can you imagine? Arresting a comedian.
Anyone who makes people think for themselves is very dangerous.
- Deep.
- I am very deep.
And on call.
I have to check in with the hospital.
- You'll excuse me a minute? - Yep.
Order me another one of these? (CLEARS THROAT) My baby don't care for Cars and races My baby don't care for High-tone places You threw something at my head.
It was an olive.
You threw an olive at my head.
I don't know if you've heard, but I've become very litigious.
- You were great.
- Well, it happens.
Did I know you were coming tonight? You didn't get my homing pigeon? Oh, that's right.
- It's nice to see you.
- Nice to see you, too.
- You look good.
- Well, I clean up nice.
- How are you? - Out on bail.
- No, seriously.
- No, seriously.
I am out on bail.
How are you? You working? I've been doing some gigs here and there.
Right now I'm up in the Catskills.
Borscht Belt, huh? You know, what, uh, resorts are you playing? Steiner, but I'm not working there, I'm with my family.
- Voluntarily? - Yep.
They go every year.
Well, that sounds terrible.
Yeah I'm noticing more than one glass here.
- I'm with someone.
- A date? Possibly.
Jury's still out.
What, where is he, this date? He had to check in.
He's on call.
You're kidding.
You went to the Catskills and you bagged yourself a doctor? Your parents must be kvelling.
I haven't bagged him.
One date.
Does he know? Know what? That you've been corrupted.
Lured to the dark side of the microphone.
One date.
Do you really think you can go back to making Jell-O molds again? Uh, I don't know.
I make a hell of a Jell-O mold.
I bet you do.
Oh, well, I bet he's a very nice man and that he'll remember to bring in the barrels like clockwork.
- Everyone alive? - Everyone who owes me money, yes.
- Hello, Doctor.
- Benjamin Ettenberg, meet Lenny Bruce.
Hello.
I enjoyed your act.
Ah.
That was no act.
All right.
I have to be going.
It was nice to meet you, Benjamin.
Uh, this table is on me.
Buy her a soda.
And have her home by 10:00.
(CHUCKLES) (MOUTHS) Is something he can't see I wonder what's wrong - The good booth's free.
Come on.
- Good booth? What's the good booth? - They all look the same.
- Move quick.
Stay close.
- Hey, Midge.
- Hey, Kitter.
Wow, look at the size of that sandwich.
- Don't get distracted.
- Hello, Midge.
- Hello, Zundee.
- Midge, the good booth is open.
- I see it.
- I'll head off the couple from Jersey.
- Good girl.
- That booth's taken, honey.
(WHOOPS) Made it.
Here.
- Five bucks.
- Told you: never bet me.
I never lose.
Yeah, yeah.
Danny Kaye is Jewish.
Does your family own this restaurant, or something? - No.
Why? - You just seem to know everyone here.
What? No.
Uh, some quick menu tips: great sandwiches, good soups, stay away from the Italian specialties, unless you like mediocre Greek food.
Got it.
- So Lenny Bruce - We did not.
Had to ask.
I think I'll get the brisket.
SOLLY: Midge.
Mid-September, two spots.
- I'll call Susie.
- Thanks, Solly.
My hairdresser.
So I'm thinking, if this night continues to go in the direction it's currently headed, we should have dinner next week.
Cloth napkins, bathroom attendants.
What do you say? I'd even spring to go back and see the second act of Lizzie Borden if you want.
Maybe it wasn't a trial.
Maybe it was a musical, - or a puppet show.
- I'm a comedian.
- You're a - I'm a standup.
I do comedy.
I go to clubs at night and tell jokes.
- Like Lenny Bruce.
- Like Lenny Bruce.
Well, not as good as Lenny Bruce yet.
- So you don't work at B.
Altman? - No, I work at B.
Altman.
I don't make any money from comedy, yet.
So B.
Altman's my day job.
And it's a secret.
- B.
Altman's a secret? - Comedy is a secret.
- Okay.
- No one knows.
Except Solly.
He's a booker.
And Verla.
She knows.
Benny, Jo-Jo, they know.
Basically, that whole side of the place.
They know.
And Joel, my ex.
He knows.
He actually saw me perform one night.
That's why we're not together anymore.
But no one else.
Well, Susie.
She's the one you see walking around Steiner with the plunger.
She's my manager.
Your manager is walking around Steiner with a plunger? I don't know a lot about show business, but perhaps you need a different manager.
No.
She's great.
We're partners.
And Lenny.
He knows.
So it's not a terribly well-kept secret.
I'm going to tell my family soon, after vacation.
But I haven't yet.
So that thing you did in the car, the radio thing? That was one of your bits? - No.
I was just riffing.
- Huh.
I just thought if we are going to do whatever we're going to do, then you should know I am a comic.
A comic.
Mm-hmm.
(RADIO PLAYING FAINTLY) Weird.
So how's the meatloaf? - Do you like meatloaf? - I do.
Then keep on looking.
(PHONE RINGING) Hello? What the fuck are you doing in New York and I'm in the Catskills? - Oh.
I had to come back.
- And you didn't tell me? - Wha I'm sorry.
- I came up here because of you.
- I know.
- I looked all over this nightmare place trying to find you.
I went to bingo and bunny hop and color your face.
Nowhere.
- Susie - I went to the beauty parlor, and the indoor skating rink a skating rink, in the middle of summer.
What group of total and complete assholes needs a skating rink in the middle of summer? How the fuck did these people make it out of the desert to begin with? I went everywhere.
I was in such a frenzy, I lost my plunger.
I just left it somewhere, and then I had to go hunting for it, which meant I had to go back to the skating rink and then back to bingo bullshit and then back to pogo pony up your ass.
I don't think these are all Steiner-sanctioned activities.
I've been paging you nonstop to the point where they finally figured out something was up and put a lock on the microphone.
And then, as I was crouching in the bushes outside your family's house, I thought, "Wait a minute, what's a real shit move someone like Miriam Maisel could pull?" She could up and desert me here and go back to the city she never should've left - in the first place.
- I'm So I called B.
Asshole, where you work, and tried to get some info out of the brain trust at the switchboard, but there was so much buzzing in their heads.
So then, as a Hail fucking Mary, I call your house, and what ho! - I am sorry.
- What fucking ho? I got a chance to get back up to the makeup floor.
I had to get back right away.
Are you done playing with lipstick? 'Cause I got you a gig.
What? Where? The Concord.
Late show.
Tonight.
Tonight? That's short notice.
Well, it wouldn't have been short if you'd been fucking up here.
Well, I I was gonna come back here after work, but I guess maybe I could take a bus to I don't care about your goddamn schedule, just get your ass back here.
- Okay.
I'll be there.
- Be there.
- I just said I'll be there.
- Because if you're not there, in my travels today, I found a lot of places I could hide your body with minimal digging.
Understand? - It's exciting, about the gig.
- Fuck you.
(PHONE CRACKLES) A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I love you M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U love me - A - You're adorable - B - You're so beautiful - C - You're a cutie full of charms Bip, bop, bip, D You're a darling and MIDGE: It's very nice of you to do this, Noah.
- I owe you.
- Yes, I'll put in on your tab.
I just couldn't believe it, when the phone rang and it was you.
I mean, normally, when the phone rings, it's a salesman trying to sell me a vegetable brush or my doctor saying, like, "Nope, try again," but today, it was you wanting a ride! Such a brucha.
You are saving my life.
That's quite a getup you're wearing for a car ride.
Going somewhere special tonight? Me? Nope.
You do look very fancy.
Is there a shayna punim in the picture? Oh, no.
Nothing like that - Oh.
- I don't think.
Hey, Dad called me last night.
He said he wants to talk to me about something important.
- Any idea what that may be? - You think he'd tell me? I'm sorry, are we just gonna ignore the smell in the car? - Yes, we are.
- Noah.
Well, you smell it, right? It's a very strong smell.
It's like a skunk or mold or rotting fruit or - Me.
It's me.
- No, Astrid, it's not - Oh, my God, it is you.
- Here you go.
ASTRID: So I went to Chinatown and I bought this herbal paste that you're supposed to put on during certain times when certain things are happening or supposed to be happening or are probably happening to most people anyway, but theoretically, when things could be happening, just to someone else but never to me, you put it on.
Ugh, it's so strong.
It's like a mixture of ammonia and Esther's diaper.
So you put the paste on, which I did, and then a month later, you're supposed to get pregnant.
They didn't tell me about the smell.
(LAUGHS) I don't think they might have.
They're Chinese.
But it has a smell, and it tends to harden as it dries, which is why I'm walking so funny.
You know, let's just go back to ignoring it, shall we? That's what I've been doing for a month.
Oh, hey, Noah, you can drop me off at the Concord.
- Why? - Oh, is it because of me? No, you shouldn't have to walk.
I'll walk.
Hey, drop me off at the Concord.
No, it's because of you, Astrid.
I just want to go to the Concord.
I'm meeting friends there.
- What friends? - Concord friends.
Now I understand the dress.
- Stop it.
- Wait, what do you mean? Midge has a man.
ASTRID: Oh, a man! (LAUGHS) A little shayna punim at the Concord.
Oh, I'm so happy I could hug you.
- Astrid.
- I won't.
I promise.
Shayna punim.
To tell you what you mean to me SUSIE: Ugh, thank God you made it.
I made it.
It's a miracle, but I made it.
Boy, this is classy.
Yeah, you think I'd drag you back here to work a sewer? - I do.
- I would, but I didn't have to.
Hey, what's with this? We're not at Steiner.
Why are you still carrying that around? After what happened before, I'm not leaving her alone again.
- Her? - Just focus on your set, please.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Wow, big room.
Did you tell me how big this room is? It's really big.
Huge, it's like What are you doing? Are you counting? I just want to know how much bigger this room is than any other room I've ever played in my entire life.
Who gives a shit if it's a bigger room? It's still just a room.
It's the same audience.
There will be dumb people and drunk people and loud people and people throwing up in the corner.
Just more than you're used to.
Who the hell is this? Ah.
Great.
Melvin, I'd like you to meet Midge Maisel.
Mrs.
Maisel.
- This isn't the girl I hired.
- It isn't? - Yes, it is.
- No.
No, no, no.
(STAMMERS) She doesn't look anything like the picture you showed me.
The picture you showed me looked funny.
She doesn't look funny.
W what is she, a a singer? No.
She's not a singer, she's a comic.
No.
Look, she just doesn't have her makeup on yet.
Okay? By the way, it's a little creepy, you carrying her picture around in your pants like that.
Makeup? How much makeup? How much makeup does she wear? Who are you, Max Factor? - I need a comic.
- And you got one.
- A funny comic.
- Will you relax? You worry like that, you'll take ten years off your life.
And from the looks of you, you only have about five left to begin with.
Dressing room's in the back.
Get your makeup on.
She better look funny! Susie, what is he talking about? - Nothing.
- What picture did you - That's Mamie Eisenhower.
- Yeah, so? You told him I look like Mamie Eisenhower? Look, I said what I need to get you the gig, and I got you the gig.
We're just lucky that moron doesn't read a fucking newspaper.
Susie, he thinks I'm gonna go out on the stage looking like the president's wife, and when I don't, he's gonna pull me off the stage in front of 400,000 people.
Relax about the goddamn room.
It's not 400,000 people, okay? It's not even Oh, I didn't see those seats back there.
Okay, it's big.
But you're gonna do great.
- Now, let's go find you a drink.
- I don't need a drink.
Eh, place this big, you're gonna need a drink.
Oh, Jesus Christ, look at the size of that bar.
(BIRDS CALLING) (SINGSONGY): Make sure you have everything.
I have everything.
- Where's your hat? - I forgot my hat.
I hope they have that fire juggler again this year.
You wonder what happens in a person's life that makes them stumble across a talent like that.
It's on the chair.
I think, next year, it's going to be time for a new grass skirt.
- You ready? - MOISHE: Remember, Mendelsons, tonight, everyone gets lei'd! (MAN CHUCKLES) - Rose, I can't do it.
- Every year, you say that.
Then you put it on, and you never want to take it off.
I can't spend Polynesian Night at the same table with that man.
- Oh, Abe.
- You know how many times he's going to say the words "pupu platter.
" I can't listen to his litany of "lei'd" jokes.
I I can't watch him tip the waiters in coconuts.
I can't take him substituting the word "poi" for "goy" - in casual conversation.
- All right, I'll tell you what.
I'll represent us at dinner, and you stay here and relax.
- Really? - You've earned a break.
I'll bring you back a pineapple boat.
And, remember, Moishe and Shirley are seeing Duke Ellington at Grossinger's Tuesday, so they won't be here for Schnitzel Night.
- They won't ruin the schnitzel? - They will not ruin - the schnitzel.
- You're a very good wife.
("FISH AND POI" PLAYING) Mama, don't scold me - I no go work today - (PANTS) Hey.
MAN: Thank you.
Oh, God, it's hot.
Take your coat off, Ma.
Then I'll be too cold.
You look very nice tonight.
I could always pull off a floral print.
(CHUCKLES) Ooh.
Sure are a lot of pretty girls here this year.
You've been talking to Pop.
I warned you about that.
(CHUCKLES): Oh, yeah.
Shouldn't you be out there talking to a nice girl instead of sitting here talking to me? You're a nice girl.
Or is there something I don't know? - I'm being serious.
- Ma.
You're my son.
- I want you to be happy.
- I know.
And just because you're not with Midge anymore doesn't mean you can't be happy.
I just don't want you waiting around for her, Joel.
Because I don't think she's waiting around for you.
You look nice in your coat, Ma.
But do I look rich? - Like a Rockefeller.
- (CHUCKLES) MOISHE: Look who I found wandering around the island alone.
- SHIRLEY: Oh, hello, Rose.
- Hello, Shirley.
Shirley, you notice something different about Rose tonight? A certain glow? I think she may have gotten lei'd.
- (LAUGHS) Oh, Moishe.
- (CHUCKLES) Mm.
You are something else.
May I escort you ladies to the table? I hear the chef made a whole lot of pupu.
- (LAUGHS) - So, Shirley tells me you're gonna be buried in Israel.
Any idea when? (MOISHE SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) Fish and poi No care tomorrow.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - (INSECTS TRILLING) (DOOR CREAKS OPEN) (DOOR SHUTS) Dinner's the other way, Abe.
Oh.
Joel, hello.
Yes, I'm actually going to skip dinner tonight.
I had a very big lunch and double my allotment of tomato juice, so I thought I'd just walk it off for two or three more hours.
Needed a break from my parents, huh? - Yes.
- I understand.
I'm sure you do.
- Well - Hey, is Midge back yet? Uh, no, she's still in New York.
Anything wrong? Nope.
Just wondering.
I'll tell her you're looking for her.
- Yep.
Good.
- Oh, and, um, - if your parents ask - I never saw you.
Now, this is a much bigger room than you're used to, so it's gonna feel completely different.
- Wait, what? - And it'll take longer for the laughs to reach you, and they'll be proportionally quieter because of the tall ceilings.
I thought you said this place wasn't that much bigger.
I also said you looked like Mamie Eisenhower.
- This place is huge.
Keep up.
- That's her with her makeup on? - Yeah.
- She looks even less funny now! You know what, she's just gonna be funny instead of look funny, okay? She's not funny, I'm not paying.
- So no pressure.
- Nope.
- Okay, where were we? - Laughs will take forever - to reach me.
- Yes, they will.
So it might be tough to gauge how it's going.
Hold a little longer for the laughs and look down at who you can see in the audience.
If they're smilin', you're doing good.
I wonder what Mamie Eisenhower would do in this situation.
Big room is just more people to fall in love with you.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, the Concord Hotel is pleased to welcome - to the stage Mrs.
Maisel! - Okay.
Here we go.
- Tits up.
- Tits up.
(APPLAUSE) (CHEERING) Thank you, everybody.
Thank you very much.
Here we are in the Catskills, and I'm starving.
Where can you get a decent meal around here? - (LAUGHTER) - Food.
Food.
24 hours a day, food.
Shouldn't the Catskills season be in winter, with big coats and scarves? What kind of sadists feed you ten meals a day, then tell you to put on a fucking bikini and go find a husband? The only reason we stand a chance is because the men are too full to run.
And all I see and hear about and dream about is food.
Giant portions of food.
I know it's the midnight show.
I'm supposed to be talking about blow jobs and big tits, but, after six weeks up here, tits just start to look like a couple of Grossinger's baked Alaskas.
They're, uh Oh, you've had them.
But, really, I I have great affection for the mountains.
I've been coming up here with my family since I was born.
It is the best place to have your first nervous breakdown.
Which automatically comes with spending months in a cabin with your family every year since you were born.
My first everything happened in the Catskills.
Everything.
My mother first told me to keep my knees closed until there's a ring on my finger in the Catskills.
Actually, she told me it was biologically impossible to have sex without a ring on your finger.
Guess what, Mom, it's not.
Anyhow, the first boy I ever kissed I kissed in the Catskills.
Mm-hmm.
First time I ever let a boy go Christopher Columbus on my nether regions, it was in the Catskills.
And this boy, he was my Papa.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) (QUIETLY): I I The Catskills.
Things happen in the Catskills.
All kinds of things happen.
Games.
There's games.
You like games? I like games.
And and when people come up here with kids, they want things for the kids to play so the adults can go be adults.
Parents don't really want to know what's going on with their kids behind their backs.
I mean, they'd prefer they weren't eaten by a lion or whatever eats people in Upstate New York, but, otherwise, secrets.
Secrets.
Kids have secrets.
Mothers and daughters and daughters and fathers and You know, it's weird with daughters and fathers, isn't it? Isn't it weird? I is it weird? Is it? Fucking make up your mind.
Because fathers never really know who their daughters are.
They don't want to know, do they? It would be terrifying to know who they are and what they do, and and, because they don't really know any of this, sometimes they can just walk in unexpectedly, and, suddenly, it's like, "Hey, you're a whore.
Who knew?" Not that I'm a whore.
I am definitely not a whore.
I do not charge for sex.
I mean, that's free.
I mean, it's free to guys I want it to be free to.
My husband.
Boyfriend.
One girl in college.
Anyone with a decent ticket to a Sinatra concert.
Even my mother would give it up for a Sinatra ticket.
No, she wouldn't.
My mother wouldn't give it up for anything, to anyone.
Well, my father.
She'll she'll give it up to him.
I mean, not that she told me she'd give it up to him.
But I'm assuming.
Well, I'm here, so somebody gave up something to somebody at some point.
Anyhow, e everyone has sex.
Daughters have sex.
Sons have sex.
Babies come from sex.
Boy, I have got to stop saying the word "sex.
" I actually have never said "sex" this much before.
I don't think I've ever said the word "sex" in front of my father, because my father looks like what you'd think a Columbia professor would look like.
Lots of brown and tweed and plaid and a scowl of intellectual superiority because he is intellectually superior.
He is very smart.
My mother once told me that she pictured having sex with his mind on their wedding night so she didn't have to think about his penis.
She did not say that.
Some other woman said that.
Just some other person.
And I overheard them and Let's go back to food, shall we? Food And the donkey who looked just like my father stood up and said, "Who else wants a piece of this?!" - (LAUGHTER) - I really, really have to go.
But, uh, thank you for laughing.
Please tip a waiter and enjoy some veal.
I will be here all week trying to figure out if I just had some sort of stroke.
I'm Mrs.
Maisel.
Thank you! Good night! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Ha! That's the way to do it.
You had them.
You own them.
No one in that audience is ever gonna be the same.
Did you hear that applause? And that's not because it's taking so long to reach here from the back that it's just arriving.
No, that's because they like Ike! - They like Ike! - All right, you win.
- Uh, one more time? - She's great.
I want her back.
You sure? You want to wait till she gets a little double chin? - No.
- I was gonna take her in the bathroom and break her nose to make her a little funnier.
No.
No, no, no.
I want her just like that.
Don't change a thing! I fucking love the Catskills.
Why didn't he leave? Why didn't he leave? - Who? - Man, front row, 60 years old, mustache, Polynesian clothes.
Doesn't narrow it down.
- My father.
- Your father? - Your father was out there? - Yes.
You said all that shit in front of your father? Wow, you have got balls.
Is he still there? Nope.
Nowhere to be seen.
MIDGE: That's because he's here.
I'm taking you home.
Are we in trouble? ("TELL THAT GIRL TO SHUT UP" BY TRANSVISION VAMP PLAYING) Well, you got that girl and she lives with you And she does just what you want her to And when I call you on the phone She says you're not there, but I know you're home You better tell that girl to shut up You better tell that girl I'm gonna beat her up You better tell that girl, you better tell that girl You better tell that girl Well, we used to be the best of friends Now all that's gonna have to end But there's just one thing that I can't see How she's got you hanging up on me Yeah, you better tell that girl to shut up You better tell that girl I'm gonna beat her up You better tell that girl, you better tell that girl You better tell that girl Well, I bet you're like that all of the time But it takes more than that for me to lose my mind Don't you know that I don't care? Maybe if I hit her, maybe if I pulled her hair - Oh, hey, yeah, yeah - Girl - Girl, girl - Girl, girl Yeah, you better tell that girl You better tell that girl to shut up You better tell that girl I'm gonna beat her up You better tell that girl, you better tell that girl You better tell That girl To shut up.