The Mick (2017) s02e05 Episode Script

1 She's coming in hot.
She's The Mick.
- Yaah! - I just built that.
It didn't take.
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(SCHOOL BELL RINGING) - (PHONE BEEPS) - Hey! Ah, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's this? They want to talk to you about my behavior.
Bye, Miss Crandall.
I'm Mr.
Reissman.
I'm the school counselor.
We really wanted to talk to you About Ben's behavior.
I know, the kid just filled me in.
Ben has always been one of my favorite students.
He's so sweet.
But lately he's become a bit dark.
He spends most of his recesses in the classroom, just sitting there, staring at me.
Yeah, well, maybe he values learning more than eating boogers on the slide.
He's doing it right now.
So the kid does a little light peering, so what? Today, Ben bit me.
Okay, also some light biting.
Wha wha what's the big deal? Mr.
Reissman would like to recommend to Ben's doctor that he be placed on 40 milligrams of ADHD medication.
Is that so? Oh! Okay, no.
No, thank you.
Focusing Ben on his schoolwork would have a tremendous impact on his overall demeanor.
Mm-hmm.
And why do your job when you can have a pill do it for you am I right? Let me explain something to you.
Ben's mind is as pure as his heart.
And as long as I am around, there will not be a drop of medication in his body.
Ever.
End of story.
Ben's already on the medication.
We're just suggesting he up his dosage.
We'd just hate to see Ben slip through the cracks.
He hasn't even started his project for this weekend's Lockwood Little Inventors Fair.
Other students have been working on their inventions for months now.
Well, speaking of slipping through the cracks, kind of looks like that shirt slipped through the cracks of your laundry basket.
Oh.
(LAUGHS) Well, I guess years of writing on white boards takes its toll on the wardrobe.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, yeah.
Good story.
I'm gonna take care of Ben.
And I'm gonna do it with some good old-fashioned hands-on parenting.
Sorry, Big Pharma.
Sorry I'm late.
I thought I was being followed.
Ended up just being a bunch of hella cute baby birds.
Okay, official Acorn Boys meeting number 682 coming to order.
Secretary Joshua Feldstein presiding.
President Chip, old business, please.
Okay, well, the possum behind the north wall is almost completely decomposed.
Our plan to smoke oregano out of its skull will commence tomorrow.
On to today's biz.
What we got? Okay, decent haul.
Not our best, not our worst.
Off the top of my head, we could soak some tampons in gin and sit on 'em.
I'm not doing that again.
It's the same exact thing every weekend.
He's right.
This is kid stuff.
Maybe it's time we put this whole Acorn Boys nonsense to bed.
Am I dreaming right now? Because if I am, wake me up.
This is a freakin' nightmare! We're Acorn Boys for life.
We took an oath, remember? We all held hands and-and peed on that tree stump together.
- We were ten.
- An oath's an oath! Come on, Chip, you got to admit it's getting kind of stale.
I mean, you've literally brought in tampons five weeks in a row.
These are pads! They go on it, not in it.
Shows what you know! I'm sorry.
I apologize.
The pads aren't that different from tampons.
I can see that now.
Doesn't mean we can't bounce back from this, right, boys? - How? - Well, tomorrow I'll bring in something so undeniably sick that you'll be embarrassed you ever brought up breaking up the ACBs.
Meeting adjourned.
How could you guys not tell me about this? Well, Poodle was a big believer in popping pills.
I've been giving them to him since he was four.
Ben has been hopped up on drugs since he was four years old?! Relax, it's just medication.
Lots of people take it.
And you should be careful pulling him off so quickly.
When they took me off lithium, I went full-on crazy.
I would argue you were on lithium because you were crazy.
Ben will be fine, all right.
He's young.
His mind's a little spring, he'll bounce right back.
That's what I'm talking about.
If that kid can handle what we've been through - in the last few months, he can handle anything.
- Yeah.
Or maybe those pills are his last tether to sanity.
- You ever think of that? - No pill is going to parent Ben.
- That is our job.
- Yeah, that's right.
We are the pills.
Can't wait to see that old bowl of soup Crandall's face when he wins that stupid Inventors Fair, and he does it drug-free.
Oh, yeah, and then shove it in her face - and show her, yeah, yeah - Stupid four-eyed nerd.
- She wear glasses? - She doesn't wear glasses, but I bet she's got some in her night table.
Dollars to doughnuts, sleeps alone.
Ah, stupid night nerd.
Okay.
Wow.
Doesn't take much to get you two on a crusade, does it? - Barely anything.
- Almost nothing.
Okay, hands-on parenting, first attempt, take one.
All right, Benghazi, hit me with an idea.
A vest.
I think Miss Crandall would really like a vest.
Hmm, well, not that exciting, but, uh how great does it really need to be? Uh, Mickey, I just looked up some past winners.
MICKEY: "Toothbrush with toothpaste dispenser inside.
" "Self-watering plant pot"? That vest is gonna get smoked.
Yeah, I think we're gonna have to dig a little deeper, bud what else you got? Toilet pants! Toilet pants? His brain's all jacked up from quitting those meds cold turkey.
He's used to being artificially stimulated.
No.
He just needs to dust off the cobwebs a little bit.
Come on, buddy.
Come on.
Let's go get your mind right.
I'm warning you, you're playing with fire.
I'm warning you, stop warning me about stuff.
Oh, God! Sniffing my undies, bro? No, I'm just looking for something, okay? Yeah, what kind of something? Something.
I don't know.
Uh, condoms? Try the Smithsonian.
What are you doing? Listen, I need something cool I can bring back to the Acorn Boys.
Who the hell are the Acorn Boys? It's my secret group.
If you tell anybody, I'll beat your ass.
All right, calm down.
Let me guess: beginning days of the group, it was a non-stop thrill ride.
And now you're getting a little bit older, and the thrill is gone.
So you're looking for something, anything, just to put you back on top.
That's exactly right.
How'd you know? 'Cause I had a group of my own back in the day.
Called ourselves Boys in the Hole.
Weird.
Why? 'Cause we hung out in a hole.
Give me 400 bucks, I'll fix your problem.
400 bucks? For what? It'll be worth it.
Trust me.
You're gonna want to hold onto these days for dear life, because once they are over, it is downhill.
I can see that.
MICKEY: Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go! Go! Stop! Okay.
- ALBA: Okay.
Salmon time.
- MICKEY: Yep.
Down the hatch.
All of it.
But I don't like the fishy taste.
Well, do you like the coppery taste of failure? 'Cause that's all you're gonna be tasting unless you eat that whole plate, okay? Come on, even the weird gray part at the bottom.
- And the bones.
- Not the bone Why would he eat the bones? Don't eat the bones.
I don't want to eat any of it.
I'm not hungry.
- Uh - It's not about your belly.
- Uh-uh.
- We are feeding your brain.
- There we go, chew it up.
- Good boy.
Good boy.
All right! What do you think? Any ideas? Toilet pants.
You already said that, guy.
You already said that.
Remember? A hat you can pee in.
Isn't that just a toilet hat? You got anything non-toilet-related? A tree that sings.
A basketball I can dunk.
- ALBA: Mm-hmm.
- Uh, sparkling milk.
Uh, a butt you don't have to wipe.
Okay.
I have a you know what we should do? We should just We should take a break.
- Yep.
- Let's take a break.
- Right.
- We we've all been working so hard.
- Yeah.
- But I still have more ideas.
MICKEY: You do? Well, that's great news for me.
Go write 'em down - Yeah.
- and I can't wait to read 'em.
- Okay.
- Okay? Okay.
- Okay.
Uh, new plan.
- Mm.
We're gonna come up with his idea for him.
Can't get more hands-on than that.
- Oh, yeah.
It's good.
- Let's go.
- All right.
I'm leaving.
- Hey.
He'll be here.
I I don't get who this guy is.
How old is he? Old.
He's banging my aunt.
Trust me, this guy's plugged in.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) JIMMY: Gentlemen, brace yourselves.
The future of the Acorn Boys is now.
(SHOUTING) - (JIMMY LAUGHS) - ALL: No! What are you doing? I gave you $400, and you get Silly String? You're right.
What a giant waste of money.
Good thing I brought this! - Whoa! - Oh! - Whoa! - Chill out! Right? She's a beaut.
- That's freaking awesome! - That's awesome! It is awesome.
But it is not a toy.
This is a serious tactical weapon designed specifically for precision target shooting.
Think you could put two arrows in there at the same time? We can sure as hell try.
Cypress Hill Well, I'm an alley cat - Oh! - Some say a dirty rat On my side is my gat See, I'm all of that, spittin' out buck shots - Boy, I'm gonna wet'cha - Oh! Run and hide, but I'm still comin' to get'cha Thinkin' like a peace smoke Comin' on a homicide, you talkin' ish Tryin' to take me for a ride, I'm not a bad guy - See, I'm the funky feel - Yeah! Finger on the trigger when my hand's up on the steel Lettin' out a bullet This is goin' boo-yah You're stuck in my hood, so what ya gonna do now? Bein' the hunted one is no fun - (BOYS SHOUTING) - Sawed-off shotgun, hand on the pump - Yeah! - Left hand on a 40 - Puffin' on a blunt - Ah, thank you, Acorn Boys, for allowing me to be part of your sacred group.
Even if it was for just one destruction-soaked afternoon.
(EXHALES) - See you boys in the next life.
- Hey, where you going? Uh, I paid for that.
It's official Acorn Boys property.
You think I'm gonna leave a bunch of kids alone with a crossbow? What kind of moron do you think I am? - (GRUNTS) - FELDSTEIN: What the hell, Chip? Now that we've had a crossbow, we can't just go back to not having one.
All right, don't worry.
I'll think of something, okay? MICKEY: This is insane.
How is a seven-year-old supposed to come up with something that no person - has ever come up with? - I don't know.
They're all jacked up on brain pills, that's how.
We can't compete with that.
Yeah, we're like the one baseball player not cranked on steroids, while all the other gorillas are out there just slamming - home run after home run.
- Yeah.
You know what I think we got to do? - Hmm.
- I think we got to level the playing field.
- What? - Hear me out.
Listen.
I know I was heavily against Ben polluting his developing mind, but think about it this way: our minds? Already polluted.
That makes sense.
We just need a little nudge, you know? So we can give him a little nudge.
You know what? I don't see any other way.
Oh, boy.
Ah.
Not to be a hypocrite or anything, but these meds, they are the real McCoy.
- Right? I am feelin' noice! - (EXCLAIMS) My brain feels like the Internet.
Yeah, okay.
So, it's, uh, it's idea time.
- Yeah.
- I'm just gonna I'm just gonna flow from the dome.
- All right, uh - Okay.
Spit! It should be sleek, am I right? And modern.
Biodegradable.
- Yes, but light.
But also heavy.
- Oh, oh, oh, I know, I know! - What? Oh, what? What, what? - Um, uh, write this down.
Um - Oh, shoot! I can taste it.
- Oh, what does it taste like? - Uh, it's just knocking at the door.
- Open it and grab it! (GRUNTS) It's gone, lost.
- Aw, damn it.
Close.
Okay.
- Yeah, I know.
Aw, shoot.
All right.
(GROANS) Well, but here's the thing, though the idea's only, like, ten percent of the thing.
Oh, yeah, totally.
Yeah, yeah.
What do you mean? Businesses these days they're all about branding, right? - Okay, um - Apple.
You think that's just a a computer? - Is Nike just a sneaker? - Uh-huh.
Yes.
Well, you're kind of right.
But you're also wrong as hell.
These guys they sell a lifestyle.
The idea is interchangeable.
What we have to figure out is Ben's booth.
- His his Apple Store, his Niketown.
- Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Once we figure out the booth, then the invention is just gonna come to us organically, and that blue ribbon - will be mine.
- Or Ben's.
- What, the ribbon? Ben's.
- Yeah.
Yeah, it's Ben's.
That's what I said.
What'd I say? Uh, let me check my notes.
I did not write anything.
- You're not writing?! - Wha (STAMMERS) - Oh, God, I'm gonna rip my hair out.
- Okay, let's go.
Well, why don't you try saying that to my face, Mom? What's that? Uh just a majorly deadly weapon.
Can I play with it? No, you may not.
That's okay.
I should probably get ready for tomorrow anyway.
What's tomorrow? You'll see.
MICKEY: Yes! - Look at us! This this booth is amazing.
- Oh.
Uh, all we got to do now is just slide some invention into this box, and that gold medal will be ours.
- Okay, how we doing on time? - Yeah.
Uh - fair starts in a couple hours.
- Pill me.
Oh! No más.
- What are you talking about?! - Wha - You ate them?! - I was hungry.
Alba, we needed those pills so we could destroy the competition.
Okay.
We come up with an idea.
No, you ate all of the ideas.
So, yeah, now it's on you.
Go.
Yo that's that's yours.
- Come on, think, think, think.
- Uh Okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
Um Ooh! Maybe it's not the competition we destroy.
Hear me out.
What if something were to happen to Benito's project, like it got vandalized? (GASPS) That way he's a victim, not a loser.
I see no flaws with that plan.
- Yeah! - Let's do it.
(ALBA GRUNTING) (ALBA YELLING) (YELLING) (BOTH PANTING) Okay.
- All right.
Okay.
- Yeah.
Okay.
- Can I ask you a question? - Hmm? Does it look kind of weird that only Ben's booth was targeted? Hmm We could do a couple more.
- Just to be safe.
- Yeah, okay.
- Yes! That is more like it.
- Yeah! Yeah.
All right, now it looks like somebody came in - and targeted a specific area.
- Yeah.
- That being said - Uh-huh? - Can I ask you one other quick question? - What? Now does it sort of look like we bashed up these two booths just to cover up for that one? Ah, you think a couple more? - Okay, yeah.
- Yeah, okay.
(ALBA SHOUTS) - Right? - Uh-huh.
(PANTING): I think you got it.
I think we got it.
(DOOR OPENS) Did you bring it? No.
All I could find is more Silly String.
Yo, are you just doing the same thing Jimmy did? Yeah, we can see the crossbow behind your back.
Is it the crossbow - or is it the crossbow? - Ow.
(ALL SCREAMING) (GAGS) Chip.
ANDREW: Oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh.
There's an arrow sticking out of his chest! Okay, okay, okay, everybody just calm down! Take me, Lord.
I'm ready.
You're gonna be fine.
Okay? We can fix this.
I'm so sleepy.
Hey, no.
No sleeping.
Come on.
Come on, bud.
Please don't die on us.
(GRUNTS) Stupid Acorn Boys! Chip! We got to get that arrow out of him before Jimmy sees.
Andrew, I'm sorry I said you look like the tired emoji.
Here.
Bite down on this.
Sorry, buddy.
(GROANS) (ALL SCREAMING) - EDUARDO: Oh, my God! - CHIP: Put the pad on! (ALL SHOUTING) (KNOCKING AT DOOR) - ANDREW: This will never work.
- EDUARDO: Hurry.
CHIP: Hey.
What's up, man? Did you, uh, bring the crossbow? It's funny you should ask.
My crossbow has gone missing.
You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you? No, that's mad weird.
I'm gonna ask you one more time.
Hey, you calling us liars? Acorn Boys never lie.
Got that? Yeah, I respect that.
Boys in the Hole had a strict no-lying policy, too.
- Holler if you see it, yeah? - CHIP: Yeah.
Got it.
(GROANS) Okay.
Don't panic.
We're gonna handle this like adults.
(GRUNTING) Come on, go, go! Go! Oh, my God.
What's going on? Remember when I said it was a bad idea to take Ben off his meds? Look at these.
I told you this was gonna happen.
His teacher is covered in blood and filled with arrows.
- Oh, no.
- What? - My crossbow.
- What crossbow? The one I got Chip.
Ben must have it.
- Well, where is he?! - School.
What the hell, Crandall? Do you have any idea how hard we B Ben worked on this? We have been the victims of a heartless vandalism.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Whoever did this is a stone-cold psychopath.
I am sick over it.
You know, 'cause Ben, he invented a cherry of an idea.
You got to ask him.
Well, I would love to talk to Ben.
Where is he? Oh, now there's that little bugger.
- Everybody, down! - Shooter! He's gonna shoot Crandall with a crossbow! (PEOPLE GASP) Get off me! No, I'm not.
And I made her a vest.
Uh oh.
Why? Because I love her.
I invented it so she could stay organized and clean.
(RAGGED BREATHING) MICKEY: Oh, um - Well that was it.
- Vest is the answer.
Look, we thought Ben was gonna kill you.
And instead he was making you some kind of vest? Because he loves you? I call it the Teacher's Pet.
Well, thank you, Ben.
It was very thoughtful and sweet.
And he did it totally clean, I might add.
ALBA: No, and we did not take any drugs, either, FYI.
Well, I admit this is a side of Ben that I have not seen before.
He was motivated and focused and he completed the assignment all by himself.
I'm impressed.
So, you're saying I was right? I don't know about that.
But you are saying I won? Parenting's not a competition.
Ah, says the woman who lost.
- (ALBA LAUGHS) - Come on, big guy.
Let's go take a nap.
We earned it.
Ugh.
Wait a minute.
If Ben's invention was ruined in the attack, why did he make this vest? Okay, so first you're a doctor and then suddenly you're a detective? (LAUGHS) Tone it down, lady.
Just be a teacher, okay? CHIP: Okay, old business.
Yesterday was completely insane.
I can't believe my parents bought that I skated into a tree branch.
Sit down! Acorn Boys betrayed me? And don't tell me Feldstein skated into a tree because I've been outside listening for a while.
- We can explain.
- Don't bother.
You stole my crossbow, shot Feldstein, and lied to my face.
The Acorn Boys are finished.
'Cause you Acorn Men now.
(CAN OPENING) And I am so damn proud of you guys! - Hell, yeah.
- (WHOOPS) - ACM for life.
- Thanks, Jimmy.
- No.
- What? I said no.
W we've seen too much.
It's time to move on.
I officially declare this the 684th and final meeting of the Acorn Boys.
President Chip, signing off.
BEN: Toilet pants.
Hope you enjoyed kickin' it with The Mick.
Now here are a few more shows to check out from Fox.
Hey-ay-ay Hey-ay-ay WOMAN: This is our story.
Can't stop me now Can't stop me now I'm just doing what I do Won't stop doing what I do Can't stop me now - Can't stop me now - Can't stop me now - Cannot beat me - Can't stop me now I'm just doin' what I do Won't stop doin' what I do