The Midnight Beast (2012) s02e05 Episode Script

1 Mate, banking's over.
The real money's in charity work.
You know the interesting thing about this gun is that I actually carved it down from a slightly bigger gun.
Do not touch Lord Kranos! Now, we have 11 different tortoise habitat designs, all of them tailored to your own special Before you do them, you have to fill the braid back in.
Oh right, do I choose my own? They're probably just freaked out about talking to successful musicians.
Oh my God, what are you losers doing here? We went to school here and they invited us back for an encore.
Do you know these knobs? No.
Oh, a little bit.
Shouldn't this say "toilet-cleaners in a shitty ex-bingo hall"? We have many talents.
Did you clean the toilets when you were at school here? No! Well, only once.
We weren't even friends from the start.
Oh What are you doing? I'm going all wobbly.
Think I'm having a flashback.
Can we come? Don't see why not.
Just go all wibbly and that.
Oh, yeah.
Here we go.
I'm actually quite curious.
Alaska, what's up? Alaska! Oh, Ashley mate, sorry, you've just got a bit of tramp spunk on your face there.
What? Oh, he checked! Why would you check unless you'd been sucking off a big dirty tramp! Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Easy! Alaska, hi.
I tried to flag you down but obviously you didn't see me.
Listen, for the end of school show, I was Stoppage.
You want me in yours? Everyone knows you're the prettiest actress in school.
Simon, I don't appear in shows.
I star in them.
And only if there's award potential like playing a cripple, so Can I put you down as a yes? Whatever.
I'll put a tick.
I'm putting on a solo show.
Can I be in it with you? What, a two-person solo show? Yeah.
Ashley, what is wrong with your brain, mate? Look, there's nothing wrong with my brain or my face, OK, so there.
'Auditions are taking place in the school hall.
'If you're planning on bribing me, 'I drink whisky - for breakfast thanks to you lot.
' I want to go beyond the Vagina Monologues, maybe as far as ovaries.
Go Alaska, go! Thank you, Alaska.
Right, go.
Help me everyone, Jason, you're the coolest movie prop maker in the whole school.
How about giving me a snog? No, be right back.
Is he one of our special ones? If I don't get to re-enact Star Wars, you don't get my props expertise.
Thank you, Jason.
Hi, I'm pitching a nativity, simple, solid and traditional.
A show to reflect the school's values.
He's a bit of a suck up, isn't he? Yes, he gets my vote as well.
It's your show, Stefan, make us proud.
Yes! You stupid bastard! Ow, my ear bone, my ear bone.
Ow, ow! In there, you piece of shit! Ah cannabis, breasts of the green-fingered goblin.
Climb out of your pot hole, Dru.
That's not mine.
I don't want to see you expelled, but nor can I let this pass unpunished.
I sentence you to drama.
Let's let the head decide.
You will assist Stef.
My parents don't let me talk to drug users.
Art will be your punishment and yet also your reward.
Can I have my joint back? Sorry, my parents were very clear.
And curtain.
What's your first move then? This.
One at a time.
Guys, seriously.
Can we just please, just for I'm doing a monologue of a lesbian trapped in a sexual relationship.
And I could play the other lesbian, right? No, what is my donkey doing? The front half's making out with the rear half.
Where do you want the death star or gun planet as it'll be known for copyright purposes? Guys, can can we just stop talking, please? I'll do anything you say if you make me orgasm.
Stef, what? I'm doing the monologue, you idiots.
OK, stop! You're going to audition for roles.
You two, you work for me now.
I want another beer and something fried.
Just put it on the production budget.
OK, who's gonna audition for the part of Joseph, Mary's husband? Me, dibs, dibs, yeah.
You can't call dibs.
Shotgun.
All right, you've got to audition.
OK.
Just improvise something as Joseph.
Hey Mary, let's have sex.
See, I know you're a lesbian, but I'm I'm cool with that.
Maybe we can start with a hand job and I can pretend I'm a girl Try it with your shirt off.
No shirts in ancient Judea.
All the, the whole? Yeah, all of it.
Yeah.
You've got the job, darling.
But he's awful.
No, my theatre, his chest.
No! Listen to me, you bunch of fudges, do what I tell you or you can go home! Stop, come back! I was only kidding, obviously! Beer? You paid for it.
I do not want a beer.
I want a cast and a crew and my own unique personal vision of this nativity.
You sound like you need a beer.
'May I remind you that the Nativity is in exactly 'one week's time.
Attendance is compulsory.
'Enjoying it is not.
' You have to let me fire Ash.
This is theatre, pumpkin.
It's endless frustration, boys' bare chests.
It's an intoxicating madness.
Right, so what do I do? Discovering that IS theatre.
Star Wars and feminism.
How the fudge do I fit that into my nativity? I was wrong before.
Just because it's my show, it doesn't mean there's not room for everyone.
Star Wars! Award-winning lesbo cripple? And the nativity.
Let's make something special, people! I just feel so angry about issues.
Yeah, it's all right, yeah.
What the fuck, Ash? Sorry, I thought my character would kiss you now, cheer you up a bit.
Cheer me up? I'm doing shit for smelly immigrants and your character's horny? I think so.
Am I my character? What you are is useless.
Sorry, are you talking to my character or are we still in the story? Look guys, you need to be one whole donkey.
I'm not having that cheating bitch in my arse.
I didn't do nothing! Stef, you have to fire Ash.
I've already tried that, it's not happening.
Oh God no, is that safe? It's 90 percent safe.
Red leader, I'm here.
That's your 10 percent margin of error right there.
May Day, Red Leader, I said I'm hit.
Stef, Stef! Stop it! My back! Stef, answer me.
Stef! Stop ignoring me, stop ignoring me.
Stef! I need help now! Stop it! Stefan.
I need help with the show.
Which one? There's at least three different shows trying to happen.
I might not be the best actor, but I thought if I had a sex scene with Alaska then she might actually like me.
It's a nativity, who's having sex? Mary, you pleb.
She has a baby, Joseph's her guy.
I'm Joseph.
Go, go Joseph, put it in good.
Dude, it was a virgin birth.
All the joys of childbirth with none of the good times.
What? That is bullshit! You! Stay right there.
That's not mine.
The last train to last warning town's left the station, Andrew.
Welcome to expulsionville, your new home.
Sir, it it's a prop.
I asked him to empty it and he misunderstood and emptied it into himself.
My fault.
Well, if it had been any other student, I'd have called bull spit.
Should have told me you had beer cans, Stefan.
That's a de-merit.
My first de-merit.
This is my worst week ever.
Including the week a stray dog nipped my bollock.
So, can you help me act better? Course he can.
Just needs a director's cap.
Cheers, man.
It's nearly show time and we have got a show to show tomorrow.
Donkey halves, sort your love life or you'll be demoted to two sheep.
Ash, I'm promoting you to the biggest non-speaking role in history, the baby Jesus.
So no sex scene with Mary? You get born out of her vagina.
That'll have to do.
Alaska, I've written your lines.
Oh, I'll rewrite my own, I think.
No, we do Stef's lines.
He came up with this Jesus character.
The theatre, it's an intoxicating madness and we are so behind.
The show is about to begin, but don't worry, it's a Nativity.
Once Jesus is born, you can all go home.
Programme.
Thank you.
No worries.
Programme.
Programme, anyone? There you go.
I've rewritten half of it to be a women's issue awards winner.
The script changes or I'm out.
But you're on in five minutes.
No, I'm not.
Come on, Alaska.
Don't be a jerk.
Don't be a what now? Let's just do the show.
Ash, you are out of my group of friends.
That is you with no friends.
And, Stef, I'm out of this terrible play.
That leaves you with no play.
Fuck you all.
But that was totally worth it.
We need a Mary.
We need to find a Mary.
I will not play Mary.
Where's my Joseph? Where's my Joseph? Ooh! I need to start tying this thing down.
Joseph's unconscious I, I need Dru.
No, no.
Sorry, man.
All right, mate? Ready to start, then? Dru has to play Joseph, please, please, Dru.
Look, it's a story about family, and I haven't seen my old man in a while, so I'm not sure I'd get through it.
OK, thanks anyway, you've been a friend.
Places, everyone.
The part of Joseph will be played by this beaver puppet.
Let's go.
Wake me up when it's over.
I'm really looking forward to intercourse, Mary.
Oh, my fat tummy just rumbled.
That's no rumble.
That's a kick.
I think you've got a baby in there.
Oh, it's Gabriel.
Pwoooh! We've got a little bit of explaining to do.
God got you pregnant.
It's a boy.
Pregnant without her consent.
I am Mary Wollston Space Craft, a women's rights droid, and that angel is an insufferable pig.
Having this baby or not must be your choice.
No, it's God's.
# Mary, you've got options Nobody can choose but you # Ba-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da # Mary you've got options - as a woman, it's your right to refuse # Ba-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da # But if she doesn't have the baby Daddy's gonna get real mad # Ba-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da # As the man, I should decide # Shut it, Joseph You're not even the dad # Mary, you've got options You don't have to be a mom # If Mary wanted options She should have used a Femidom # You've got so many options As a woman, it's your choice today If you wanna do it We can always call a beer a drink.
Die, fem-bot Die, die, die now.
Die, die.
Argh! Argh! Argh! Arghhhhhh! Thank heavens for that.
I don't know, some of what she said Silly little Mary, so easily fooled by wacky ideas.
Now let's take your magical pregnancy to Bethlehem.
Donkey.
But, Joseph, I think I'd use my vote quite constructively.
I'm not saying women aren't worth the vote.
Just give it several thousand years.
Votes for women.
They're loving it, Dru.
Can you see the headmaster's face? I can't believe you guys aren't cool with Scott, it's such a good name.
Look, I'm the daddy and I say we call him Joe Junior.
Oh, God.
Awkward.
Probably on her period or something.
Yeah, probably.
Damn helmet nearly killed me.
I'm surrounded by men.
Even the donkey has a penis! I just feel so Check your privilege, girl.
I am black.
I am a woman and I am blind.
And I eat pussy.
I'm so marginal, they'll probably write me out this whole story.
Oh, well, I'm Jewish.
We all Jewish, fool.
We in Israel.
I'm sorry, I just I don't know if I can support patriarchy.
Boy or girl, your baby gonna be sucking on your titties and calling you Momma.
And damn, but that's a beautiful thang.
Beautiful like eating pussy.
And now I'm done.
Why? Prominent gay character? Shit and it's Christmas.
It's what? # Oh, the pressure of a name # A little baby with a path already made # The most famous child of all # But with a future that's still hypothetical # Even if you can't make the sun shine # Even if he can't turn water to wine # Or cure leprosy or walk over the sea # Even if he can't grow his hair long # Even if I catch him smoking # Even if he's exiled # He'll still be my child Just a boy # Surely I have also sinned # With a husband and a baby not from him # Even if he can't make the stars shine # Make the stars shine # Even if he can't give sight to the blind # Make them see # Or he's fired by his mind Get a job Or nailed to a cross # Even if he's not the chosen one # Even if he can't have the force from up above # Or take on the world He'll give it his all # Just a boy, a Jedi boy # Just a boy Just a boy.
Stand up, stand up.
Boy.
I'm having my baby, I'm having my baby! And I'm going to call him 'You shall call him Jesus.
' A baby's trying to be born out of my tiny vagina, and you want to argue with me?! 'We can talk about this later.
' Close your eyes.
Use the force-ceps.
We've nailed it.
Wait until they see the next bit.
Oh, fuck! Jesus, Jesus Christ! For fuck's sake.
Water into wine is nothing compared to what my mum has just achieved.
Let's hear it for Mary, everyone.
Whoo, Mary! Whoo, yeah, come on, everyone, brilliant.
Let's have a sing-song.
Woo.
Hi, Jesus.
Hey.
# This is the birth of something special # It's a time to start anew # This is the birth of something magic # Now it's time to adjust the tune # This is the time to be forgiven # The stealing and dealing, Lord We can be free-ee-ee now In zero AD You might just want to step back inside for a minute.
For fuck's sake! # .
.
Sins I guarantee-ee # No good dwelling on what happened in the past Oh! Jesus is our saviour, he can kick Bin Laden's arse, ho Right, thank you.
Most entertaining.
Complimentary mince pies in the library, everyone.
My office, first thing.
Now, then.
Good of you to come, thank you.
It's a bloody disgrace.
Well, um, yes, I'll certainly think about what you said.
Bye.
Still here? I don't get it.
I just tried to make everyone happy.
I don't think things are going to work out with me and Alaska.
Being on stage was cool, though.
Maybe we should start a band.
Uh-oh! That's what you learnt.
Well, obviously, the lesson there was that you three should never be allowed on the same stage ever again.
What are you arseholes doing here? You invited us.
We're high-achievers.
I invited you, actually.
Well, Ashley, really.
I mean, look how he's turned out.
Do pull yourself together, Yvonne.
You three are excused.
For ever.
Yvonne! Oh! Come on, guys.
Let's go and see if there's any room at the inn.