The New Adventures of Old Christine s02e05 Episode Script

Isn't this fun? It's like the old days.
You and me, Pete and Barb coming over.
Hey, don't eat that.
That's for company.
This is just like the old days.
Hey, can you grab the champagne out of the fridge? Why champagne, are we celebrating? Well, Pete and Barb said they have a big announcement.
Might be good news.
So what do you think it is? I think either they're moving, or one of them is dying or they're having a baby.
Dying? That's a terrible thing to say.
Well, it's not my fault.
I'm obviously not hoping for the dying.
Would they come over here to tell us they're dying? Well, they're not going to have us over there.
Their house all full of Pete's medical equipment.
Why Pete? Why couldn't Barb be dying? Barb's my friend.
If anyone's dying, it's Pete.
Always eating those French fries.
Oh, there they are.
Okay, be positive.
Don't cry.
Wait.
Wouldn't they want us to cry? Would they? Oh, maybe you're right.
You know what, let's not plan it-- let's just see what happens.
Okay.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Well, thanks for letting us come over.
Oh, of course.
We have something to tell you, and we wanted to do it in person.
So you have something to tell us about you or Pete? It's about both of us.
Both of you? What, do you live under a power line? Are you crying? Richard, Richard.
Uh, you should just tell us your news, huh? Well, Pete and I have been together a long time Nine years.
Wow.
Really? We've been talking about it a lot, and we're finally ready to do it.
Yay! You're having a baby! I knew it! You did not-- you thought they were dying.
I thought Pete was dying.
I thought Barb was having a baby.
You thought I was dying? - Because of the French fries.
- What? Guys, guys, we're getting divorced.
Oh, that's terrible.
And you're pregnant.
They're not pregnant.
They're getting a divorce.
How could you leave Pete when he's dying? I told you this was going to take a while.
I can't believe this.
You and Pete? I mean, you are so perfect together.
We used to be.
Then we stopped having fun.
Then we stopped having sex.
The worst part was that middle period when we were having sex that wasn't any fun.
Yeah, but I mean, have you tried everything, Barb? Because marriage takes a lot of work.
I remember when Richard and I were having trouble.
We tried everything-- counseling SeaWorld S&M.
How was SeaWorld? Do they still have Shamu? Christine was into S&M? Really? Nah, it was the end of our marriage.
I think she just wanted an excuse to hit me.
Yeah, so go to the first show before he gets tired.
And do not sit in the front row, 'cause I'm telling you, when that whale jumps, you get wet.
I am crazy for that big, black bastard.
Pete? No, Shamu.
So, what? What happened with you guys anyway? It wasn't just one thing, it was a million things.
And we spent so much time going over it and analyzing in our heads, and then one day we just couldn't do it anymore.
So what went wrong? I don't know.
What went wrong with you and Christine? I don't know.
Well, I know one thing: you're staying here with me.
No.
Pete and I are fine staying at the house together.
Besides, he doesn't know how to use the thermostat.
He'll freeze to death.
No, you're staying here, that's final.
Uh, how did that happen? - What are you doing? - I need you to get up.
What, is there an intruder, do we need to go to the panic room? It's not a panic room, it's the guest bathroom.
God, I don't know why, but it's the only place I feel safe.
Matthew, listen.
Listen.
Pete and Barb are separating.
Oh, that's awful.
It doesn't really affect me.
Good night.
What? I told Barb that she could stay here until they figure everything out, so she's going to sleep in your room, and you're going to bunk with Ritchie.
Why my room? We all have to make sacrifices.
- What are you sacrificing? - You.
Christine.
Christine, you're-you're kind of over-tucking me.
This bed is starting to feel like a jog bra.
Sorry, sorry.
I just want you to know that I am here for you the way you have always been there for me.
- Thanks.
- No, no, I mean it.
I'm going to take care of you, I'm going to comfort you, I'm going to make you feel better.
I'm not going to lie to you, it's going to be hard at times, but you are not alone.
I noticed that earlier when you followed me into the bathroom.
All right, so listen, I'm right across the patio, right there if you need me, okay? So, good night.
Sleep tight.
Don't let the bed bugs bite.
You want me to pat your back until you fall asleep? That won't be necessary.
Aw, poor baby.
If you hadn't immobilized me with these sheets, I'd slug you right now.
Cranky.
That's normal.
You should just get some sleep.
Poor baby.
That is not normal.
What? You're welcome.
I swear to God I'll head-butt you.
What are you doing? Hey, bud, uh, I'm just going to be bunking in here with you for a couple nights, 'cause Aunt Barb is staying in my room.
Why don't you just sleep with Aunt Barb? Well, uh, it seems a little soon.
Although she is cute and a lot of fun to be with, and she sure smells good.
- I like her hair-- - Uncle Matthew.
Yeah, um, let's just go to bed, okay.
Wait.
I need my giggy.
- Your what? - My blanket, I can't go to sleep without it.
That hasn't been a blanket in a long time.
Wait, I need my sounds.
Easy, easy, easy, easy, easy, easy, easy, easy, easy, easy, easy, easy, easy Morning.
How'd you guys make out? Your kid's a freak.
What are you talking about? All those little nighttime rituals? Between the heartbeats and the womb sounds, I felt like I was back in Mom's uterus but without the smoke.
Oh, come on, all kids have their bedtime rituals to put them to sleep.
As I recall, in junior high, you had your own bedtime ritual.
Hey, you need to knock before you walk into a teenaged boy's room unannounced.
Ritchie's just doing what all the books say he should do.
He's self-soothing; it's perfectly normal.
What are you doing? I'm putting together a little divorce comfort kit for Barb.
Nyquil, bottle of Chardonnay, some chocolate, some pills my dentist gave me when I had my root canal.
You know what? My tooth is feeling a little sensitive, so I think I'm just going to hang on to these.
You know, Barb doesn't seem that bad off.
She actually seems kind of fine.
Yeah.
Exactly, she's going through a separation.
It's not normal to be fine.
She's not crying, she's not overeating, she's not oversleeping.
She hasn't even gotten back at Pete by putting his name in the gay personals.
Hey, whatever happened to Tim? Does Richard ever see him anymore? - Yeah, they still play tennis.
- Aw, nice.
You know, I am worried about Barb, though.
You know, if she doesn't go through the steps, this divorce is just going to sneak up on her.
And when it finally does hit her, I don't know what's going to happen.
She could wind up in the fetal position rubbing her giggy and listening to womb sounds.
Do you really want to talk self-soothing? Box of Kleenex, picture of Helen Hunt? Yeah, I didn't think so.
Hey, Barb, are you up? I got some goodies for you.
Barb? Barb? Barb, answer me, please.
Barb? Barb! Barb, you need to let me in.
Barb! Barb, what did you take?! Oh, God.
Matthew! Barb! - Barb! - What are you screaming at? Oh, oh, Barb.
Oh, oh, you're alive.
- Thank God! - I just went for a jog.
What? What happened? It's okay; she just went for a jog.
Oh, thank God.
Well, let me know if you go for a bike ride.
Gosh how can you exercise in the midst of a divorce? What is going on with you? Nothing is going on with me.
I'm well-rested.
This morning was the first time in years that I didn't wake up to 220 pounds of French fry breath and three inches of mattress space.
I'm happy.
You shouldn't be.
You've got to go through the steps to get to happy.
What steps? First, there's anger, then resentment, then denial, then anger.
You already did anger.
The anger comes back.
I'm not angry.
Well, you should be.
Your marriage just failed.
You failed, Pete failed.
You're a failure, Barb.
Man, it's like staying at my mom's but without all the Jesus.
I'm just trying to help you get to the other side, where you can be healthy and happy like me.
You started to cry yesterday because you ran out of peanut butter.
No.
I started to cry because Matthew forgot to put peanut butter on the list.
Is this healthy or happy? I'm not going to take that personally, because I know you're not angry at me, you're angry at Pete.
I'm not.
Well, you should be.
He didn't appreciate you at all.
God, I hated the way he used to complain to Richard about you all the time.
He complained about me? Yeah.
He said you can't cook, you've got a foul mouth, you're shrinking.
Shrinking? If anything, he's growing.
We can't even fit in the same picture.
Why are you telling me this? Because it's the truth.
What if I told you the truth about Richard? I wouldn't care.
I have moved past the anger.
Really, there's no more anger.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
So, you wouldn't care if I told you that Richard didn't want to go out with you again after your first date? And that I paid him 20 bucks to go out on a second date.
Yeah, guess what? I slept with him on the third date, so And that's why the fourth was half off.
- How are you feeling now? - Yeah, the anger came back.
What was so awful about me that you didn't want to date me again? Sure, come on over; I'm not doing anything.
Barb told me that she paid you to go out with me? What was wrong with me? It was a long time ago, I can't remember.
- Think! - Now I remember.
It was because you were bossy.
Come on, Richard, I'm serious.
Christine, what does it matter? We went out again, I fell in love with you, we had a kid together, we tried S&M, we went to SeaWorld.
What is this really about? It's Barb.
She's not doing the divorce right.
Everybody deals with these things in their own way.
Barb's doing her thing, you did slippers and Chardonnay, I slept around.
That was so mean.
Man, if you didn't have a girlfriend, I would push you up against the wall and smack you so hard right now.
God, why won't Barb let me help her? Why is it so important to you? Because she's my best friend.
Well, it seems like, as her best friend, you'd be happy she's doing so well.
You'd think.
Maybe on some level you're not exactly devastated by her divorce.
Maybe you're happy you have another divorced person to hang out with.
Oh, Richard, that is so awful.
My best friend is going through something as painful as a divorce, and you think that I would be happy about it? Is it true? I think it is.
I mean, as soon as I found out that they were splitting up, all I could think about was all the fun we were going to have.
You know? Divorce buddies.
Going to happy hours and wine tastings and cocktail parties.
You think I drink too much? I don't think you drink too little.
Anyway, all our other friends are still together.
I was really looking forward to not being the only divorced person in the entire world.
Oh, God, I'm awful.
No.
Barb will understand.
You know, I'm not saying that I wish this, but it really would have been a lot easier if Pete was dying.
You're an angel.
Barb? Barb, can I talk to you? I know you're in there, so you might as well answer the door.
I'm staying out here until you do.
Well, I got nothing to do and nowhere to go until American Idol starts in January.
What? I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry.
- Thanks.
- No, no, no.
I mean it.
I behaved badly, okay? I mean, I thought that I was trying to help you, but in fact, it was really about me, and that's just awful.
- Yep.
- No.
Barb.
I can tell you're mad, but can we just talk about this? Look, I'm not mad.
Come back later-- you can tuck me in.
Barb, please.
Come on, can't we just talk about this? Do I hear voices in there? Uh, yeah, I'm watching As Good As It Gets.
Your brother's got the entire Helen Hunt collection in there.
Barb, come back to bed.
- What? - That's Castaway.
He's trying to get Barb back to bed.
Got to go.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
There's a man in there? Oh, I knew it.
I knew you weren't as well-adjusted as you were pretending to be.
Jumping into bed with the first man that comes along? It's not a man; it's Pete.
Hey, Christine.
Oh.
Hi, Pete.
Are you in your underwear? Well, Matthew's underwear.
I had to throw on something.
I'll be right back, baby.
Hurry up.
What? What happened? Christine, look, don't take this personally, but I'm not getting a divorce.
I don't know how you do it.
I guess you're a stronger person than I am.
I could never do what you're doing.
Sure you could.
No way.
Going to bed alone every night.
Waking up alone every morning.
That takes courage.
Well, thank you.
Eating alone, drinking alone, having sex alone.
All right, I said "thank you," Barb, okay? It's not easy being lonely, believe me, but I don't think you should get back together with Pete just because you're afraid of being alone.
Well, that's not it.
I think Pete and I just needed to put the idea out there to realize that it wasn't what we wanted.
We're going to try to make it work.
Well, that's great.
I'm happy for you.
You want to try that again? No, I am.
I am really happy for you.
That's as good as it gets.
Hey.
I'm sorry, I thought you were asleep.
I wasn't.
Now I have to start all over again.
Wait a minute.
What do you think would happen if we tried, just for tonight, to sleep without the sounds? Because I'm here, so there's nothing to be afraid of.
No, thanks.
Aw, come on.
I mean, you do amazing things all the time.
I know you can do this.
Just close your eyes, okay? Relax.
And sleep.
- I can't do this.
- Sure you can.
Come on, I'll help you, okay? Just breathe in and out.
Now what? Breathe in and out.
Now what? Breathe in and out.
Now what? Easy, easy, easy Barb I'm happy for you.
Barb, I'm happy for you.
Really, I'm happy for you.
Best of luck.
You'll be back.