The Old Guys (2009) s02e05 Episode Script

How you liking the halloumi, Tim? Tom.
You want some, Rory? Roy.
No, thanks.
It's great halloumi, hey, Timbo? It's the bee's balls, ha? The wasp's willy.
Pardon my rudery, but we're all guys, aren't we? Yeah, the halloumi's fine, Rajan.
Actually, I love it, Roy.
It's the greatest thing I've ever eaten.
Why haven't I been eating halloumi all my life? I've got so many years to catch up on.
This is the macadamia nuts saga all over again.
You loved those and now you hardly ever eat them.
No, this is different.
I was infatuated with macadamia nuts, I'm properly in love with halloumi.
That book any good? Yes, it is actually, yeah.
Actually, I think I probably am rather worried about my status in the eyes of the world, if I'm honest.
I knew it.
I can read you like a book.
What will I leave behind when I die? What's my legacy? Some books and a bread maker with a three-year warranty! Nothing of value.
You have my sympathies.
I'm sorry, Tom, I beg your pardon, but if I have no status in society, you certainly have no status.
I'm higher status than you.
Rubbish! Everyone knows I'm higher status than you, that's how people see us.
Tom the high status one, Roy the low status one.
That's our whole schtick.
Even Rajan gets your name wrong.
He gets yours wrong too.
What, Tim? That's a typo, Rory, that's a whole different name.
He might as well as have called you Deirdre.
Deirdre Williams.
Mrs Deirdre Eleanor Williams, CBE.
It's from Sally.
"Could you guys come round this afternoon, please? Important.
" That sounds ominous, I wonder what this is about.
Perhaps she's moving away.
Oh, don't say that, she can't move away.
What will we talk about? We don't talk about Sally all the time.
Oh, sure, what else do we talk about, politics, emotions, the environment? Sally's our life and you know it Nonsense, it's a lovely knee, it's a very pretty knee.
I'm not fishing for compliments, Tom.
It is a lovely knee though, regardless.
You should be very proud, I would be.
Oh, no biscuits.
I'll get some from the kitchen.
Sally, would you like a lift to the hospital tomorrow in my car? Oh, yes.
We all know you've got a car, that's what it says on your business card.
"Roy Bowden has a small car.
" That would be great, Roy.
I really am quite nervous about this op.
In fact, I'm wondering whether to go in for it at all.
I've survived this long, I might just give it a miss.
I don't want to cause a fuss.
I'm essentially fine.
No, Sally, you've got to go.
Look at you, you're walking like a mad woman.
A lovely mad woman.
Sally, sit down, I'll get the biscuits in a minute.
You really have to get this knee sorted out.
Now, you really do.
I know.
The thing is, I Ow.
I was in Bupa, but I can't afford it any more, so The NHS is wonderful though, it's the envy of the world.
They did a great job on my you know.
No.
No, you don't want to know.
But they did a great job on it.
Brilliant nurses, nice omelettes and all the morphine I could take.
Smashing.
They won't operate on the wrong knee, will they? Because I have heard of that happening.
Sally, they're professionals, that doesn't happen.
Roy's right, it's leaving stuff sewn up inside you, that's the main worry.
Scalpels, gloves, swabs, bits of old Ginsters pasties.
Though that is very rare.
Will you guys come and visit me, do you think, a lot? We'd be happy to, Sally.
And don't feel you have to bring me anything.
I mean, it would be great if you did, but you don't have to.
Flowers are lovely, but you know, unusual flowers.
A diverting game perhaps, like solitaire but not that.
And no fruit, it smells and it's such a cliche.
But don't feel obliged to bring me anything, really.
Right unusual flowers, a game like solitaire that isn't solitaire and a huge basket of no fruit.
Well, we've got it, we've got it.
Yeah.
We visit her separately, yeah, to give maximum coverage? Yes.
But, Tom, this isn't a competition.
Oh, no, not at all, no way.
We're pooling our resources to cheer up Sally.
Exactly, we're a team.
Team us.
Yeah! So, what sort of gifts will you take her? Oh, you know, nice gifts.
You? Similarly, nice things.
Soap, books? Oh, maybe, because we know what kind of soap she likes.
Oh, yes, I'd forgotten, we found that out when we stole the Ocado receipt from her recycling box.
I haven't brought my best suitcase, Roy, I thought that might look flashy in a mixed ward.
I thought it was women only.
Oh, no, I meant socially mixed.
All the classes in together, which is great, obviously.
I'm all for it.
Are you tired? I was too nervous to sleep last night, so I got up and watched some repeats of Coast on BBC4 or 3, or one of the silly ones.
Oh, I enjoy that, it's very good, Coast.
Lovely photography.
Yes, and I really like that little Scottish man who's in love with his own hair.
And the weird English chap with the umbrella who looks like he's never had sex.
They complement each other.
A bit like you and Tom.
Which one of us looks as if he's never I've been meaning to get the book of the series.
Actually, that would be great for my hospital stay, wouldn't it? Could you or Tom possibly nip into town to get it for me? Yes, of course, Sally, yes, that would be a great gift, wouldn't it? The perfect gift, Roy.
Right, I'm in E Ward.
How very modern, just a single letter.
Not Rutherford Ward or Kelvin Ward.
No, a bit bleak.
Why couldn't they name it after Florence Nightingale? Oh, they will operate on the correct knee, won't they, Roy? I won't be in a documentary about medical blunders on Channel Five narrated by Liza Tarbuck? No.
They'll operate on the correct knee, rest assured, Sally.
Oh, you're so good with children, Roy, it's very sad you never had any.
Yes, I'm wishing more and more that I had.
What will I leave behind when I die? What is my legacy? Well, you have had that house completely rewired, Roy.
Yes, there is that.
Oh, Tom, more halloumi? Mmm, I've gone halloumi mental.
I might have to go and see someone about it.
I think I might be halloumi dependent.
I've named the halloumi dish after you, Tim, because you love it so much.
Tim's Halloumi.
Your name liveth forever more, Tim.
Well, two thirds of it does anyway.
Listen, would you mind visiting Sally this afternoon and I'll do this evening, and then tomorrow, we'll swap around because of my book group.
Caaahh! What do you mean, "caaahh?" You often "caaahh" me and it's rude.
It's like a swear word that hasn't yet been discovered.
Well, it's just I mean, book group.
Why do you always have to join a club for everything you enjoy? I like sleeping, yeah? But I don't go to sleep club.
"Hey, everyone, it's sleep club on Tuesday.
"This week, we're all accidentally falling asleep with our glasses still on.
" I join groups, Tom, because I like people.
I'm not completely self-absorbed like you.
I'm not self absorbed.
You said you'd only get an organ donor card if they gave you Nectar points.
It's a brilliant idea.
Well, anyway, did Sally ask for anything in particular for when we visit? Any particular books or magazines or chocolates or anything? No, she didn't want anything particular that I can remember.
No? I'll wing it then, I'll freestyle it.
I do jazz shopping.
I just go into a random shop and see what happens.
Like Thelonious Monk probably did if Gillespie was in hospital with one of his dizzy spells.
Well, good luck with that.
Oh, hi, Tom, how did your visit go? Couldn't have been better.
I aced it, I totally aced the visit.
Well done, I'm pleased.
I thought, what do people never take as a gift on hospital visits? And then it came to me.
Cheese.
Have you ever taken cheese to a hospital? No, I can safely say that I never have.
And not just any old cheese either.
It was celebrity Brie, made by one of those guys out of Snow Patrol on his farm in Cumbria.
Well, I'm glad it went so well.
I don't know what made me think of cheese, Roy.
Instinct, psychic powers, call it what you will.
I'm afraid I've set the bar really high, mate.
I thought this was not a competition.
It's not, I'm just saying, it needs to be a Faberge egg, signed by Jesus and Elvis and Bono and the Wombles, to keep up the standard.
What have you got her? I have got her some flowers.
Unusual flowers? Not particularly unusual, no, just classic flowers and a bottle of water flavoured with the fruits of the forest.
It's Ribena, isn't it? I can see it through the bag.
Yes, it is, actually.
It all went a bit wrong.
There was a book that I thought that she might like, but that stupid local independent book shop on Colbalt Road didn't have it.
I thought you loved that book shop.
Well, I hate it.
It's rubbish, it's too small.
I hope it closes down.
No wonder Amazon do so well.
It has all that stupid local historian's books - Edwardian Beckenham, Beckenham At War, Austerity Beckenham, Beckenham And The Glam-Rock Movement - But no bloody Coast! It's wilful iconoclasm.
I hope Sally enjoys her Ribena.
Very sorry, emergency.
Hello.
Oh, hi.
Visiting Len? Er, yes.
Don't go.
I need to wake him to take his blood pressure.
I'm sure he'd love to see you.
I don't think that this is Len? You've got a visitor.
Who's he? I know you, don't I? Your face yes.
Basildon, the British Legion.
You stood in for Mac for a couple of weeks in the in the darts team.
It's Norris, isn't it? Er Yes.
Yeah.
Dear, oh, dear, blow me down! It's Norris! Big Welsh Norris.
How are you? Mustn't grumble, must I? And, er, how are we? I'm fine, thank you.
Good, good.
Coolio.
Sally Yes? I'm Peter, your surgeon I do that to put people at their ease.
Do you? Psycho.
The film where a woman gets killed by a psycho.
Don't worry, I don't still live at home with my mother.
I mean, actually, I do technically, but not in a weird way.
I've pretty much got a whole floor of the house to myself, so, it's more like living in a flat really.
You do look very young.
I moisturise.
The thing is, I'm quite nervous.
Amazingly, I've managed to get through the last 50 years without having an operation.
So, you had one when you were about ten? What? Sorry.
What I'm most concerned about is, you won't get the wrong knee, will you? Might do.
If I'm drunk, then YOU won't have a leg to stand on! Please stop the joking.
I don't want to be operated on by a clown.
I've seen Patch Adams, it's an awful film.
Doctors don't need to be funny.
I promise, Sally, hand on heart, that I will operate on the right knee, which is actually the left knee.
Ooh! Ha! Hope I don't get that wrong! Excuse me, I'm Dr Rebecca Helm.
Oh, right.
Sorry, doctor, I am getting a Twix, fair cop, but I usually do have my five a day and I walk a lot, and this morning, I had half a grapefruit, which tasted horrible, so bound to be healthy.
And I don't drink hardly, ten units a week, if that.
A toddler could drink what I drink and be fine.
Probably even make him sleep better.
I really have no problem with you buying a chocolate bar, or drinking alcohol, Mr? Finnan.
Tom.
Oh, good.
Thank you, doctor.
I thought you might be one of those mad ones.
The mental, joyless health Taliban.
No offence.
The reason I stopped you is that I notice that you have a small red lesion behind your left ear.
How long have you had that? What? I don't know, a month, couple of months.
Didn't really bother me.
Right.
Should it bother me? Oh, God, am I going to die? Is it Twix related? No, no, it's fine.
I think you have a skin disease called granuloma annulare.
It's common, it's totally harmless.
Self-limiting, it disappears of its own accord.
Oh, wow, phew.
Bit of a panic there.
I thought I was finally going to have to make that choice on my funeral music.
Barber's Adagio for guaranteed tears, or the Benny Hill theme, to show I was a fun guy.
No, what's unusual is that A, this disease usually affects women Right.
I'm slightly uncomfortable with that, but go on.
And B, it very rarely, almost never appears on the face or neck.
So I was wondering, would you mind being examined, so we can have a bit of a look? You're a rare specimen.
Wow! I always thought there was something special about me.
I thought I might be psychic, brilliant at skiing, but it turns out I've got a miracle ear! We had some times, didn't we, Norris? We almost certainly did.
Do you remember that Al Bowlly song that you used to sing, you remember? Best not sing in here though, all these ill people.
Eh, nurse? Yes, probably best not to sing.
Dr Abbott, from the psych ward, might try and section you.
He's a bit trigger happy.
Oh.
You know Mac died, my dear old Mac, day before yesterday.
Did he? Yes.
He dropped dead, just like that, in Lidl's.
Very sorry to hear that, Len, very sorry indeed.
We were like chalk and cheese really.
We argued for the best part of 50 years, but I, I don't half miss the old bugger.
You see, I have no family, Norris, not like you and your daughters.
How many grandchildren was it? Five.
Nine, wasn't it? Oh, when you add on the other four, yes, I suppose it would come to nine.
As we can see, Mr Finnan is fully clothed for this examination, which might be a clue as to what could be wrong.
It's not an ingrown toenail, for instance or anything to do with Tom's rectum.
Yeah, all right, mate.
Is it a mental or physical complaint? Hey, steady on, love, there's nothing wrong with my brain.
It is a physical illness.
Now, examine away.
Getting warmer.
No clues, please, Tom.
Sorry.
I'm so sorry I'm late, Sally, I got waylaid.
I'm very nervous, Roy, very nervous.
I met my surgeon.
What's he like? He's a child, Roy.
I expect he's currently asleep in one of the incubators upstairs.
Did you manage to get that book? Here we are.
Thanks, Roy.
Oh, there's an inscription in the front.
Right, yes.
"With much love.
" Oh, thanks so much, Roy.
Pleasure.
"From Mac?" I'm, er, toying with that as a nickname, Mac.
I've never had a nickname.
Oh, I see.
Why Mac though? Ijust love Scotland, I suppose.
I suppose I wish I was Scottish.
I sometimes suspect that I actually am because the other night, I stepped out of the shower with a tartan towel round my waist, I started watching Braveheart, and without even consciously thinking about it, I reached for a shortbread! Hello, Norris! Do you know this lady too then? I certainly do, look at that.
Neighbour of mine, isn't it, though? Sorry, Roy, are you was that you trying to do a Scottish accent? Because that was terrible.
Good question about the pillowcases, Gavin, nice work.
And to reiterate - cotton mainly, some polyester.
Yes, guy at the back.
Erm, is the lesion affected by soap? Phoebe already covered that question in her shampoo query.
Keep up, son.
Lucy, I believe you had a question about itching? Now, do you want Norris to stay with you while the pre-med starts working? Erm, yes, I would like Norris to stay.
Righto.
You take care of her, Norris.
I'll certainly do that, my dear.
Don't you worry now.
I really don't understand, Roy.
Well, the thing is that earlier, I ran into a gentleman here who's, erm, dying, sadly.
Oh, dear.
And he thinks that I'm Welsh and called Norris, so to humour him, I've been pretending to be Welsh and called Norris.
Well, bless you for doing that.
And what a relief, I thought you were mentally ill.
All right? I'm all right, I'm more than all right, I'm super all right.
You guys all right? I thought you were off home.
Hello, Tom.
I'm a bit woozy.
Yeah, hospital's great for lunchtime drinking, isn't it? Because you're already lying down.
No, I've had a pre-med.
Oh, right, sorry, I'm a bit distracted.
I'm going to be in a medical text book.
They've discovered I've got a unique ear and they want to photograph it.
Wow.
Generations of students are going to look at my special ear.
It's nice to be able to benefit mankind in a small way.
I'm not comparing myself directly with Darwin I'm worried about my knee, the child surgeon Oh, promise me you'll you won't let them operate on the wrong knee, Tom and Roy.
We promise.
Thanks.
We must make absolutely sure they don't do the wrong knee, she'd never forgive us if we didn't.
How though? All right, Roy, you can come in now.
Ta-dah! No, it's not "ta-dah.
" That is the wrong knee.
Oh.
I've been working on my muscle definition for the photo.
Mm-hm.
Is it going to be colour, or black-and-white photo? Er, colour.
And can I get a copy as a souvenir? For the mantelpiece? Yes, I'm sure we can arrange that.
Now, let's have a look.
Ah.
What? Well, you know this is a self-limiting disease? It's obviously limited itself in the past few days, it's on its way out.
But I can make it worse.
Sorry it's really not worth photographing the lesion as it is now.
But I can draw it back on.
Not allowed, I'm afraid.
Is there something else that could go in a book? I think my toe's a bit funny, and I've got a big arm.
Come on! I really want to be in the text books, this is really important to me! Well What? We do need a before in a before-and-after study of diseases of the scrotum.
Fair enough.
All right, Roy? I mean, Norris.
Oh, hello there, Tom.
Hello, son.
All right, Len? How was your shoot? Oh, you know great.
Will I be able to see a photo when it's published? Maybe.
Maybe not though.
Well, we've just been to get a cup of tea, in order to take Len's mind off things.
Mac's being buried tomorrow.
This afternoon's the last chance to go and view the body, but they say I'm too ill.
Just wanted to say goodbye, really.
Come on, Len, we need to get a porter to take you down to X-ray.
No, we'll take him.
Oh! Well, thank you.
Good afternoon.
Hello.
May I help you? I phoned earlier about an old friend coming to see Mac.
Ah, Mr McKinley.
Certainly, yes.
He's asleep in viewing room three.
Asleep? Dead.
Oh.
I'll show you in.
His daughter will be here in about ten minutes, so I'm afraid that yours may be a brief visit.
Oh, that's fine, our friend here isn't terribly well anyway.
We were thinking we might leave him here.
Oh! I can't see in, Norris, I can't see anything.
I've just realised that.
Why don't we just take everything in, you know, the atmosphere? He's looking very peaceful, Len.
Very serene.
I wouldn't go as far as happy, but content.
Like you might look if you won a tenner on a scratchcard.
I want to see him.
I want to see his face one last time.
Mac's face.
Can you not stand up at all? He really can't.
I so want to see his face.
I'll take you through.
Some friends of your father's are in there at the moment.
Really? Thank you, lads, this is one of the nicest things that anyone's ever done for me.
Don't mention it.
That's not Mac.
What?! That's not Mac, I don't know who that is.
This is Mr McKinley! Right, but Mac's name was Graham Andrews.
Remember, Norris? We called him Mac because he always wore that bloody old Mackintosh.
This must, at first glance, look quite odd.