The Onion News Network (2011) s02e05 Episode Script
Exposed, Brooke Alvarez
You're watching "The Onion News Network," on your side, before you even know what side you're on.
Tonight, Starbucks locations across the country open separate lines for assholes who are too busy texting to realize they're next.
Disney scientists prepare to transfer Walt Disney's soul into one lucky boy.
And Congress temporarily legalizes marijuana ahead of Thursday's awesome meteor shower.
Time to check the truth snares for lies and finish 'em off with a club.
I'm Brooke Alvarez.
You're entering "The Factzone.
" Welcome to "The Factzone.
" Before we get started tonight, I'd like to address something that's been in my sights.
A documentary entitled "From space girl to news tyrant, the Brooke Alvarez story" aired on public television last night, and it addressed certain points from my past that I hoped would never come to light.
Many of you do know that I was born in Russia and spent my childhood there.
But, what you may have not known, until now, is that I became the first-ever Russian child cosmonaut in 1971.
In its rush to be the first nation to put a child into orbit, the Soviet government sent me into space.
I spent three weeks in a tiny, poorly insulated capsule, with very little food or water this is true.
And this documentary is out there, so, well, we might as well take a look.
Bronislav Alexeyev, now known as "Brooke Alvarez," was forced to fight tooth and nail for her survival against a vicious chimpanzee named Mr.
Dmitry, a lab animal launched along with the young Alvarez to compete against her in cruel experiments.
The experience changed her forever.
Well, she was such a pretty, happy little girl, but when she came from space, she had changed.
She was hardened, merciless.
We were terrified of her.
She always had awful night terrors, always about the chimpanzee.
"Stop biting me!" It was about six years ago.
I was, you know, coming in to read for the position of "Factzone" anchor, wh when my car was pushed off the road and into a ditch I still wonder if it was Brooke? I've heard that most of her scalp is skin graphs, which explains all the weird, little colloquialisms she uses, like, "some days, the chimp rips all the hair out of your head, and some days, you brutally murder the chimp.
" Well, there you have it.
It's all true.
But, to those of you who would view this as some sort of weakness, let me say this: I am immensely powerful and terrifying.
Little Bronislav Alexeyev died in that capsule in 1977, along with a blood-thirsty chimp she strangled with wires ripped from a console, and from her ashes was born Brooke Alvarez, the most dangerous name in news.
Now, this is the last anyone needs to address this issue, ever! I consider the matter resolved.
Okay, then, let's get to our top story in Washington today.
Looking to jumpstart the country's fiscal recovery, President Obama has turned America's economy over to Blake Morris, the man in charge of Zico coconut water.
Uh, the president agrees that it basically tastes like ball sweat, uh, but you can't deny the simple fact that this stuff is absolutely everywhere.
Uh, anyone who can sell this garbage by the truckload obviously knows how to bring in capital, and we're confident Mr.
Morris will steer the country into solvency.
All right, for more on that story, let's go to Jane Carmichael, now, in Washington.
Hi, Jane.
Hi, Brooke.
Jane, you should really tip your make-up people.
They've done a wonderful job today of covering up those crows feet.
Thank you, Brooke, and I'm very sorry to hear about the horrible things you suffered in the Soviet space program.
All those awful experiments electric shocks when you fell asleep for more than ten minutes, that terrible chimpanzee and the puzzle games Jane, I really forbid you to talk about this any further on my show.
Behind it's behind me, now.
I it's just that it all makes so much sense, now, Brooke all the years of intimidating and belittling me, you really can't help it, can you? You poor, poor woman.
Jane, this is unacceptable! We don't need to hear any more about this Washington we're done.
Uh, uh, I I Thank you, Jane Carmichael.
Thank you, so much.
From Washington, Jane Carmichael, everyone.
All right okay.
No one has been more vocal about the economy than the tea party activists.
And this morning on "today now," Jim and Tracy had an interview with a new tea party politician.
Okay, joining us now is a very special guest, Carol Olson, the tea party patriot who thinks she's running for Supreme Court justice.
Hi, Jim.
Hi, Tracy.
Hi, Carol.
Good morning.
Now, Carol, you're hoping to be elected to the United States Supreme Court, even though your critics are saying that's not how the Supreme Court works.
I am, Jim, but I don't listen to those critics.
They're afraid of the kind of change I'd bring, which is exactly why I should be in there.
And the fact that the justices aren't popularly elected isn't going to stop you.
Nothing's gonna stop me, Tracy I'm not afraid to shake up the status quo.
The courts need to be answerable to the will of the people.
Now, of course, most people would say that that's exactly the opposite of the way the courts are supposed to work, but you don't care.
Just incredible! And you got a high-profile boost earlier this week, when Michele Bachmann tweeted, quote, "can't wait till I can cast my vote for the next supreme court justice, Carol Olson.
" I have such respect for Michelle Bachmann.
I hope that once she's elected president, she'll appoint herself to the Supreme Court, and we can rule America side by side.
Now, the mainstream press has not been so kind.
You've been called "a distraction," uh, "sorely misled or unwilling to accept reality.
" Well, I will say this: If I were those newspapers, I wouldn't be making enemies with someone who will have the power to shut 'em all down, once she's elected, you know? Right right! Boy, the people sure are excited, though I mean, look at this crowd of your supporters.
Oh, yep, that's a rally that we held just last week outside of the Supreme Court.
I'm pretty sure that's not actually the Supreme Court, but there's still a lot of enthusiasm there.
And this isn't the first time you've run for public office.
Is that right, Carol? Yes, uh, last year, I ran for Celine Dion, and I did lose to the incumbent, but I gained so much knowledge about campaigning that I'm now bringing to this race, that it almost feels like it was a victory.
Ms.
Olson is currently on the campaign trail in Saskatchewan, in support of her U.
S.
Supreme Court bid.
All right, now for a special investigative report.
Last year, U.
S.
officials seized nearly 600 tons of counterfeit goods.
"The onion news network's" Gavin Fisher takes us to the murky bottom of the lucrative American black market.
Chinatown, New York, it's one of the busiest hubs of counterfeit goods in the world, where an underground network of Chinese boot-leggers operates in the shadows, costing the U.
S.
an estimated $300 million each year.
How does this network of smugglers manage to evade law enforcement? The special investigative undercover response team was about to find out.
If I was going to infiltrate the counterfeiters, I had to become one of them.
With the help of the special investigative undercover response team, I disguised myself as an average Chinese person.
Ah, most excellent.
And rigged my glasses with a hidden camera to catch all the action.
My name Hong me new in town.
Please to direct me to black market smugglers.
This Prada bag shimmer like most precious jade.
Oh, you would honor me by telling me where you got it.
It is a counterfeit, no? I don't know.
Go away go away.
It was clear I'd have to look elsewhere for answers.
A revered elder, please to direct me to counterfeit good store? Huh? It is harder to find than the Forbidden City.
Ha-ha-ha! You know, Forbidden City.
I was being stone-walled.
But, why? I spoke with sociologist, David Kim about my difficulty infiltrating the Chinese counterfeit underbelly.
Of course, no one's gonna talk to you.
What you're doing is extremely offensive.
Oh, I see.
You are the most helpful.
The sociologist helped me see that dressing like just another average Chinese citizen wasn't going to get me anywhere in order to get answers, I knew I had to take a new tactic appealing to man's most carnal desires.
Hey, boy, you like what you see? You like? Oh, not again.
Get away.
Oh, me? You don't know me.
My name Cherry Pie.
No, you're not.
Get outta here.
You want sucky-sucky? Oh! I'm calling the police.
Want sucky-sucky? I was arrested for prostitution.
Get away! For "The Onion News Network," I'm Gavin Fisher.
Okay we have to take a quick commercial break, but first, let's look at "The Factzone" trivia question of the day.
"Which U.
S.
president was also a world-class magician?" Find out when "The Factzone" returns.
Our first responders give us a glimpse behind the news curtain.
The best part of working at "The Onion News Network" is that there are no background checks.
Oh, yeah! I mean, if they even scratch the surface on my past but, I couldn't get a job at staples.
I I've done some things.
We are like a family, except instead of arguing about whether or not Aunt Lauralee should maybe stop drinking so much gin in the middle of the day, we argue about politics.
You're not my family.
Ouch! Why would you say why would you say that? Can we just have one good day? Welcome back to "The Factzone," and now, the answer to our daily "Factzone" trivia question.
"What U.
S.
president was also a world-class magician?" And the answer is our 23rd president, the amazing Gabordini.
Well, all right, we have some tragic news from Morristown, New Jersey, now.
Earlier this afternoon, shots were fired at a local mall.
"The onion news network's" rising star, O'Brady Shaw, somehow managed to tear himself away from a mirror long enough to file this raw story just minutes after the shooting.
When shots rang out at a suburban mall, our team rushed to the scene.
Was anyone injured or killed? Had the shooter been apprehended, or was he still on the loose? We had no information, whatsoever.
This was a raw story.
The, uh, the call just came in over the police radio.
We don't have time to set up the sat truck.
Yeah yeah, right here.
It's just me, my producer Glenn, and a camera buckle up.
This is the northside parking lot of the mall.
We don't know where in the mall the shots were fired.
We don't know what's going on.
Looks like a security guard.
I'm gonna see what see what he knows.
Turns out, he wasn't a security guard.
He was just a guy in a blue suit.
We still have zero information.
Where do we go next? I have no idea.
My gut says that way.
Come on! I see an ambulance! Confirmed ambulance sighting! You'll see this space by the curb, where an ambulance was parked just moments ago.
I can still feel the residual heat.
Where did the ambulance go? Was anyone inside? One thing was clear: This story had yet to unfold.
I managed to track down an employee.
Hey! Oh! I I I don't know what's going on.
I just saw people leaving, so I left, too.
Did you see the shooter? There's a shooter? Oh, my God are people okay? She had no information.
The story was that new.
I'm trying God! The trail's gone cold.
Let's roll out let's go.
Go-go-go-go-go! Do you have any idea where the shooter is? I was being stonewalled by police, but I couldn't let that stop me.
I see a helicopter.
I spoke to a woman who said that she saw a man being escorted through the mall by police could this be the shooter? According to the description he was a male, age somewhere between 20 and 60.
He is either Caucasian or part Latino or something like that he was wearing some kind of a jacket, and I wrote something else here, but it got smudged.
However, that information later turned out to be false.
The shooter, if there is one, remains at large.
Needless to say, our thoughts are with the victims here today, if there are any, which we don't yet know.
That's the raw story.
With us here now to follow up on that story is O'Brady Shaw.
Hello, Brooke.
- Since filing that - Well, I certainly hope your perfect skin didn't get too dried out in the parking lot.
I mean, your whole career is actually riding on that pretty face of yours, isn't it? Ah, thanks, Brooke, I'm fine.
Listen, Brooke I wanted to take this opportunity to invite you to come with me to Russia.
We wanna film a very special episode of "Gut Check" where we visit the grave of your mortal primate enemy, Mr.
Dmitry.
No, I don't think so.
Thank you, O'Bradley.
Brooke, I think you could really stand to gain some closure here.
I think you need Well, that was O'Brabbly Sharp, with a very harrowing story.
I think you need to confront this.
Well, "The Onion News Network's" O'Bribblestein shoemaker bobblehead I think we're gonna go, now, to live, actually.
We're gonna live go we are.
I am discombobulated.
Let me get myself together.
And now, what's next? We're taking you live to Washington, where new government economic guru, Blake Morris is testifying before the house energy and commerce committee about how to make the American economy as successful as Zico coconut water.
Okay, Mr.
Morris, with all due respect, you're on the government's payroll, now how are you going to apply what you've done for this awful drink to the American economy? Well, it's really just about finding a loyal fan base with a quality product.
Tastes like sin! Pomberry? Well, you you should try the chocolate.
How do I open this little box here? Is there a straw or something? I wouldn't drink it.
Zico isn't for everyone.
Uh, it's just a clean, uh, quality source of minerals for act but, we need something that can help the American economy.
Uh, some kind of magic, job-creating, uh, viral marketing, that sort of thing, whatever you did here.
So, what is it are there drugs in here or something? Do you use psychedelics to get people to give you money? No no it's nothing like that at all.
What we've done, is been able to capture a market and Maybe he's some kind of a savant he doesn't even know he's a business genius.
Listen, follow him around for a few days, let him play with his coconut juice, and then, we'll steal his ideas.
Well, this terrible coconut beverage isn't the only thing happening in Washington.
Turning now to the political arena, Michele Bachmann today implied that the media's coverage of her campaign is sexist.
The candidate told a rally in new Hampshire that she believes that, as a crazy woman, she's had to deal with scrutiny she would not face, if she were a crazy man.
Let's ask our first responders and see what they think.
Joining us today, we have Duncan Birch, Lauralee Hickock, and David Barrodale, whose opinions are sponsored by Acura.
Is Bachmann treated differently because she's a woman with a frighteningly apparent psychological instability? Oh, I don't think there's any question.
Rea Lauralee, really? Yeah, every time she says something that's objectively bizarre about how God told her to adopt two dozen children or how same-sex marriage is the number one threat to this country, the press jumps down her throat.
They they absolutely do.
They do.
Now, they would not be doing that to mitt Romney, if mitt Romney were visibly deranged.
I I I don't buy this for a second.
Oh, come on! Now, if if an insane male candidate said that Obama was responsible for swine flu, people would be, uh, you know, they would be just as terrified by his ignorance.
You really think that? Excuse me.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Yes, Dave.
Look, she needs to start running a powerful, responsive v6 of a campaign.
Yes.
And stop, uh, spending so much time worrying about the media.
Exactly.
You don't see this Acura T.
L.
worried about how it's being treated.
I mean, this thing can take almost anything people can throw at it.
Well well, if all this true, how does Bachmann go about throwing off the focus of being a a an insane female candidate? Oh, she's gotta beat her crazy, male opponents at their own game.
If they're gonna come out supporting gun rights for the developmentally disabled, she should come out supportin' gun rights for dogs.
Exactly that is totally Acura-tte, Lauralee.
I, uh, 100% Acura-tte.
Thank you.
Thank you, Dave.
Okay you know, when Bachmann started running around last week, though, in circles, rubbing herself with mud and and shrieking wildly, the media focused completely on, uh, what her hair looked like during the incident.
Right, but when Herman Cain did the same thing just a few months ago People focused on his insane babblings.
Not his looks.
There's a clear double standard.
No, that's because his insane babblings were political points.
As were hers.
Yes, David? I'm I'm revving this powerful, uh, fuel-injected engine to show my support for Lauralee's opinion.
Well, that's thank you, first responders.
Thank you, very much.
Okay, we need to take a quick break, now, but in the meantime, tweet me your thoughts about the new FDA backed law requiring all fast food customers.
I'll read some of your responses when we come back.
Well, you're back in "The Factzone," and we have a few of your reactions, now, to the FDA''s new requirement for fast food customers to eat in front of a mirror.
Okay, for the last time, stop mentioning that infernal ape, people.
I have spent my whole life trying to forget about him.
All right let's move on, now.
Earlier this week, police in South Carolina pulled the body of missing mom, Sharon Machler, out of a marsh, after her husband confessed to her murder.
The news caught the attention of our own shelby cross, who for years now has campaigned for America's marshes and bogs to be eliminated.
Shelby joins us now, live, in "The Factzone" studio, and with us live via satellite is Jason Popkin of the Wetlands Fund.
Welcome to you both.
So, shelby, let's start with you.
You say that our bogs and marshes should actually be paved over.
That's right.
Absolutely, Brooke! These things are nothing but dead body dumping pits that make life easy for murderers, and it's disgusting to me that sickos like Mr.
Popkin actually wanna protect these things! All right well, Mr.
Popkin, how do you respond to this? Bogs and marshes are important ecosystems that should be protected.
Oh! I mean, they they they're already being endangered.
Whoa excuse me! As long as these human landfills remain open for business, what we're essentially saying to the criminal element is, "sure, do whatever you like and throw the evidence here in this federally protected black hole!" Shelby, America's wetlands are home to thousands of endangered species.
Oh.
I understand that that you don't like some of the activity that may, uh Oh, uh-huh, and how would you like to be stuffed in a steamer trunk and dropped into a bog? Huh, Jason? Would you like that? Have your face gnawed off by some filthy catfish? Would you like it? Would you like that? N no.
Do not interrupt me, sir! Look, I could maybe understand having a soft spot in your heart for marshes.
I mean, it's a type of wetland that experiences continuous shallow flooding okay.
I mean, I don't approve of it, but I can at least see where it comes from.
But bogs a mire filled with decayed plant matter? Okay, okay okay, Shelby, just a minute here.
Come on.
Now, look, I testified before Senator Chuck Grassley, who wanted to lift federal protection o o on these lands.
Right! And what I told him is exactly what I'm gonna tell you, now! Uh-huh, and where is Chuck Grassley, right now, sir? Where is Chuck Grassley, now? Right now? Uh Sir? Probably in Washington.
But, you can't say for sure.
Is that what you're telling me? Could it be that he's sitting at the bottom of a bog somewhere? Why else would you be so hot on these wetlands, if you aren't a murderer yourself? I oh, ho! Shelby squad, descend.
Ah! All right good work, shelby it sure looks like you, uh, bagged another creep.
Well, now, let's quickly check in with the 2012 campaign trail over there at the recon wall.
Tucker? Thanks, Brooke.
Mitt Romney's campaign took a big hit earlier this week, after reports that he had slept with a prostitute.
But, those poll numbers are now soaring, after the revelation that the prostitute paid Romney to sleep with her.
Jasmine James, the prostitute in question, confirmed those rumors just earlier this afternoon.
He just has this sexy, sensual electricity that no woman can resist.
He was very considerate of my needs, very considerate.
Romney rose to prominence in the republican party largely due to his raw, palpable sexual charisma, which stirs longings in the loins of females everywhere.
Earlier today, on "Washington this afternoon," "The Onion News Network's" Jane Carmichael had a chance to sit down with Mr.
Romney and speak to him directly.
Oh, well, Mr.
Romney, I oh, my, I'm just is it really hot in this studio? Hmm what is wrong with me? Oh, just listen to me.
You you you are so rowr! Uh, Brooke? Hmm? Hey, uh, do you, uh, do you still have the implant in you? Is that? I don't know what you mean, Tucker.
Oh, well, the documentary said, uh, the scientists put something inside of you to regulate your hormones, just to make you and the chimp, uh, better friends, so ahem okay, look, Tucker.
That animal and I had to fight for every scrap of food and every breath of oxygen in that eight-by-eight-by-six shuttle.
Yeah, that's ter that's terrible.
We were nothing less than mortal enemies from the first to the last.
Do you have any idea what that's like, comrade Tucker? Uh, well, I did get, uh, spit on by a llama at a petting zoo once, and I I hadn't really provoked it, so my mission is to observe chimp and report findings.
Brooke? My mission is to observe chimp and report findings.
Hey, Brooke? Are you Brooke? Brooke, Brooke, you there? Okay uh, we have to take a quick commercial break now, so, uh, stay with us.
You're back in "The Factzone.
" White house economic guru and former Zico coconut water ceo, Blake Morris, has unveiled his plan for stimulating the economy investing every penny of the budget in coconuts.
Now, um, as you can see here, coconuts from growers around the world have begun pouring into the nation's capital and are covering 50 square miles of Washington D.
C.
And the surrounding areas.
And, uh, finally, with us tonight, we have with, uh, uh, Dr.
Marcia Talbot to discuss an alarming new study.
Welcome, Marcia, and thank you, so much, for being with us tonight.
Hi, Brooke.
O'Brady, what the hell are you doing here? I apologize for the ruse, but because of my endless compassion, the network has asked me to speak to you about your traumatic experience in space Brooke, before you say anything What? You've never talked about what happened on that capsule, and you need to, because if you don't, you're headed for a major psychotic episode.
Okay, wait a minute.
What is going on here? Brooke, you have to confront the Mercury enemas.
And the fact that they gave, uh, Mr.
Dmitry the chimp a switch-blade and they gave you nothing, you have to open up about this, Brooke.
Look at me, look at me.
You are in America, now.
Nyet! Okay you're safe here.
Nyet, nyet! Brooke, are you with me? Nyet.
Brooke? It would seem that we have lost Brooke to a complete mental breakdown, due to her sudden confrontation with long repressed trauma.
I will personally see to it poor Brooke gets the help that she needs and does not return to the air until she's made a complete recovery.
Nyet, nyet! That's all from "The Factzone.
" Stay tuned for "gut check," right after this.
Tonight, Starbucks locations across the country open separate lines for assholes who are too busy texting to realize they're next.
Disney scientists prepare to transfer Walt Disney's soul into one lucky boy.
And Congress temporarily legalizes marijuana ahead of Thursday's awesome meteor shower.
Time to check the truth snares for lies and finish 'em off with a club.
I'm Brooke Alvarez.
You're entering "The Factzone.
" Welcome to "The Factzone.
" Before we get started tonight, I'd like to address something that's been in my sights.
A documentary entitled "From space girl to news tyrant, the Brooke Alvarez story" aired on public television last night, and it addressed certain points from my past that I hoped would never come to light.
Many of you do know that I was born in Russia and spent my childhood there.
But, what you may have not known, until now, is that I became the first-ever Russian child cosmonaut in 1971.
In its rush to be the first nation to put a child into orbit, the Soviet government sent me into space.
I spent three weeks in a tiny, poorly insulated capsule, with very little food or water this is true.
And this documentary is out there, so, well, we might as well take a look.
Bronislav Alexeyev, now known as "Brooke Alvarez," was forced to fight tooth and nail for her survival against a vicious chimpanzee named Mr.
Dmitry, a lab animal launched along with the young Alvarez to compete against her in cruel experiments.
The experience changed her forever.
Well, she was such a pretty, happy little girl, but when she came from space, she had changed.
She was hardened, merciless.
We were terrified of her.
She always had awful night terrors, always about the chimpanzee.
"Stop biting me!" It was about six years ago.
I was, you know, coming in to read for the position of "Factzone" anchor, wh when my car was pushed off the road and into a ditch I still wonder if it was Brooke? I've heard that most of her scalp is skin graphs, which explains all the weird, little colloquialisms she uses, like, "some days, the chimp rips all the hair out of your head, and some days, you brutally murder the chimp.
" Well, there you have it.
It's all true.
But, to those of you who would view this as some sort of weakness, let me say this: I am immensely powerful and terrifying.
Little Bronislav Alexeyev died in that capsule in 1977, along with a blood-thirsty chimp she strangled with wires ripped from a console, and from her ashes was born Brooke Alvarez, the most dangerous name in news.
Now, this is the last anyone needs to address this issue, ever! I consider the matter resolved.
Okay, then, let's get to our top story in Washington today.
Looking to jumpstart the country's fiscal recovery, President Obama has turned America's economy over to Blake Morris, the man in charge of Zico coconut water.
Uh, the president agrees that it basically tastes like ball sweat, uh, but you can't deny the simple fact that this stuff is absolutely everywhere.
Uh, anyone who can sell this garbage by the truckload obviously knows how to bring in capital, and we're confident Mr.
Morris will steer the country into solvency.
All right, for more on that story, let's go to Jane Carmichael, now, in Washington.
Hi, Jane.
Hi, Brooke.
Jane, you should really tip your make-up people.
They've done a wonderful job today of covering up those crows feet.
Thank you, Brooke, and I'm very sorry to hear about the horrible things you suffered in the Soviet space program.
All those awful experiments electric shocks when you fell asleep for more than ten minutes, that terrible chimpanzee and the puzzle games Jane, I really forbid you to talk about this any further on my show.
Behind it's behind me, now.
I it's just that it all makes so much sense, now, Brooke all the years of intimidating and belittling me, you really can't help it, can you? You poor, poor woman.
Jane, this is unacceptable! We don't need to hear any more about this Washington we're done.
Uh, uh, I I Thank you, Jane Carmichael.
Thank you, so much.
From Washington, Jane Carmichael, everyone.
All right okay.
No one has been more vocal about the economy than the tea party activists.
And this morning on "today now," Jim and Tracy had an interview with a new tea party politician.
Okay, joining us now is a very special guest, Carol Olson, the tea party patriot who thinks she's running for Supreme Court justice.
Hi, Jim.
Hi, Tracy.
Hi, Carol.
Good morning.
Now, Carol, you're hoping to be elected to the United States Supreme Court, even though your critics are saying that's not how the Supreme Court works.
I am, Jim, but I don't listen to those critics.
They're afraid of the kind of change I'd bring, which is exactly why I should be in there.
And the fact that the justices aren't popularly elected isn't going to stop you.
Nothing's gonna stop me, Tracy I'm not afraid to shake up the status quo.
The courts need to be answerable to the will of the people.
Now, of course, most people would say that that's exactly the opposite of the way the courts are supposed to work, but you don't care.
Just incredible! And you got a high-profile boost earlier this week, when Michele Bachmann tweeted, quote, "can't wait till I can cast my vote for the next supreme court justice, Carol Olson.
" I have such respect for Michelle Bachmann.
I hope that once she's elected president, she'll appoint herself to the Supreme Court, and we can rule America side by side.
Now, the mainstream press has not been so kind.
You've been called "a distraction," uh, "sorely misled or unwilling to accept reality.
" Well, I will say this: If I were those newspapers, I wouldn't be making enemies with someone who will have the power to shut 'em all down, once she's elected, you know? Right right! Boy, the people sure are excited, though I mean, look at this crowd of your supporters.
Oh, yep, that's a rally that we held just last week outside of the Supreme Court.
I'm pretty sure that's not actually the Supreme Court, but there's still a lot of enthusiasm there.
And this isn't the first time you've run for public office.
Is that right, Carol? Yes, uh, last year, I ran for Celine Dion, and I did lose to the incumbent, but I gained so much knowledge about campaigning that I'm now bringing to this race, that it almost feels like it was a victory.
Ms.
Olson is currently on the campaign trail in Saskatchewan, in support of her U.
S.
Supreme Court bid.
All right, now for a special investigative report.
Last year, U.
S.
officials seized nearly 600 tons of counterfeit goods.
"The onion news network's" Gavin Fisher takes us to the murky bottom of the lucrative American black market.
Chinatown, New York, it's one of the busiest hubs of counterfeit goods in the world, where an underground network of Chinese boot-leggers operates in the shadows, costing the U.
S.
an estimated $300 million each year.
How does this network of smugglers manage to evade law enforcement? The special investigative undercover response team was about to find out.
If I was going to infiltrate the counterfeiters, I had to become one of them.
With the help of the special investigative undercover response team, I disguised myself as an average Chinese person.
Ah, most excellent.
And rigged my glasses with a hidden camera to catch all the action.
My name Hong me new in town.
Please to direct me to black market smugglers.
This Prada bag shimmer like most precious jade.
Oh, you would honor me by telling me where you got it.
It is a counterfeit, no? I don't know.
Go away go away.
It was clear I'd have to look elsewhere for answers.
A revered elder, please to direct me to counterfeit good store? Huh? It is harder to find than the Forbidden City.
Ha-ha-ha! You know, Forbidden City.
I was being stone-walled.
But, why? I spoke with sociologist, David Kim about my difficulty infiltrating the Chinese counterfeit underbelly.
Of course, no one's gonna talk to you.
What you're doing is extremely offensive.
Oh, I see.
You are the most helpful.
The sociologist helped me see that dressing like just another average Chinese citizen wasn't going to get me anywhere in order to get answers, I knew I had to take a new tactic appealing to man's most carnal desires.
Hey, boy, you like what you see? You like? Oh, not again.
Get away.
Oh, me? You don't know me.
My name Cherry Pie.
No, you're not.
Get outta here.
You want sucky-sucky? Oh! I'm calling the police.
Want sucky-sucky? I was arrested for prostitution.
Get away! For "The Onion News Network," I'm Gavin Fisher.
Okay we have to take a quick commercial break, but first, let's look at "The Factzone" trivia question of the day.
"Which U.
S.
president was also a world-class magician?" Find out when "The Factzone" returns.
Our first responders give us a glimpse behind the news curtain.
The best part of working at "The Onion News Network" is that there are no background checks.
Oh, yeah! I mean, if they even scratch the surface on my past but, I couldn't get a job at staples.
I I've done some things.
We are like a family, except instead of arguing about whether or not Aunt Lauralee should maybe stop drinking so much gin in the middle of the day, we argue about politics.
You're not my family.
Ouch! Why would you say why would you say that? Can we just have one good day? Welcome back to "The Factzone," and now, the answer to our daily "Factzone" trivia question.
"What U.
S.
president was also a world-class magician?" And the answer is our 23rd president, the amazing Gabordini.
Well, all right, we have some tragic news from Morristown, New Jersey, now.
Earlier this afternoon, shots were fired at a local mall.
"The onion news network's" rising star, O'Brady Shaw, somehow managed to tear himself away from a mirror long enough to file this raw story just minutes after the shooting.
When shots rang out at a suburban mall, our team rushed to the scene.
Was anyone injured or killed? Had the shooter been apprehended, or was he still on the loose? We had no information, whatsoever.
This was a raw story.
The, uh, the call just came in over the police radio.
We don't have time to set up the sat truck.
Yeah yeah, right here.
It's just me, my producer Glenn, and a camera buckle up.
This is the northside parking lot of the mall.
We don't know where in the mall the shots were fired.
We don't know what's going on.
Looks like a security guard.
I'm gonna see what see what he knows.
Turns out, he wasn't a security guard.
He was just a guy in a blue suit.
We still have zero information.
Where do we go next? I have no idea.
My gut says that way.
Come on! I see an ambulance! Confirmed ambulance sighting! You'll see this space by the curb, where an ambulance was parked just moments ago.
I can still feel the residual heat.
Where did the ambulance go? Was anyone inside? One thing was clear: This story had yet to unfold.
I managed to track down an employee.
Hey! Oh! I I I don't know what's going on.
I just saw people leaving, so I left, too.
Did you see the shooter? There's a shooter? Oh, my God are people okay? She had no information.
The story was that new.
I'm trying God! The trail's gone cold.
Let's roll out let's go.
Go-go-go-go-go! Do you have any idea where the shooter is? I was being stonewalled by police, but I couldn't let that stop me.
I see a helicopter.
I spoke to a woman who said that she saw a man being escorted through the mall by police could this be the shooter? According to the description he was a male, age somewhere between 20 and 60.
He is either Caucasian or part Latino or something like that he was wearing some kind of a jacket, and I wrote something else here, but it got smudged.
However, that information later turned out to be false.
The shooter, if there is one, remains at large.
Needless to say, our thoughts are with the victims here today, if there are any, which we don't yet know.
That's the raw story.
With us here now to follow up on that story is O'Brady Shaw.
Hello, Brooke.
- Since filing that - Well, I certainly hope your perfect skin didn't get too dried out in the parking lot.
I mean, your whole career is actually riding on that pretty face of yours, isn't it? Ah, thanks, Brooke, I'm fine.
Listen, Brooke I wanted to take this opportunity to invite you to come with me to Russia.
We wanna film a very special episode of "Gut Check" where we visit the grave of your mortal primate enemy, Mr.
Dmitry.
No, I don't think so.
Thank you, O'Bradley.
Brooke, I think you could really stand to gain some closure here.
I think you need Well, that was O'Brabbly Sharp, with a very harrowing story.
I think you need to confront this.
Well, "The Onion News Network's" O'Bribblestein shoemaker bobblehead I think we're gonna go, now, to live, actually.
We're gonna live go we are.
I am discombobulated.
Let me get myself together.
And now, what's next? We're taking you live to Washington, where new government economic guru, Blake Morris is testifying before the house energy and commerce committee about how to make the American economy as successful as Zico coconut water.
Okay, Mr.
Morris, with all due respect, you're on the government's payroll, now how are you going to apply what you've done for this awful drink to the American economy? Well, it's really just about finding a loyal fan base with a quality product.
Tastes like sin! Pomberry? Well, you you should try the chocolate.
How do I open this little box here? Is there a straw or something? I wouldn't drink it.
Zico isn't for everyone.
Uh, it's just a clean, uh, quality source of minerals for act but, we need something that can help the American economy.
Uh, some kind of magic, job-creating, uh, viral marketing, that sort of thing, whatever you did here.
So, what is it are there drugs in here or something? Do you use psychedelics to get people to give you money? No no it's nothing like that at all.
What we've done, is been able to capture a market and Maybe he's some kind of a savant he doesn't even know he's a business genius.
Listen, follow him around for a few days, let him play with his coconut juice, and then, we'll steal his ideas.
Well, this terrible coconut beverage isn't the only thing happening in Washington.
Turning now to the political arena, Michele Bachmann today implied that the media's coverage of her campaign is sexist.
The candidate told a rally in new Hampshire that she believes that, as a crazy woman, she's had to deal with scrutiny she would not face, if she were a crazy man.
Let's ask our first responders and see what they think.
Joining us today, we have Duncan Birch, Lauralee Hickock, and David Barrodale, whose opinions are sponsored by Acura.
Is Bachmann treated differently because she's a woman with a frighteningly apparent psychological instability? Oh, I don't think there's any question.
Rea Lauralee, really? Yeah, every time she says something that's objectively bizarre about how God told her to adopt two dozen children or how same-sex marriage is the number one threat to this country, the press jumps down her throat.
They they absolutely do.
They do.
Now, they would not be doing that to mitt Romney, if mitt Romney were visibly deranged.
I I I don't buy this for a second.
Oh, come on! Now, if if an insane male candidate said that Obama was responsible for swine flu, people would be, uh, you know, they would be just as terrified by his ignorance.
You really think that? Excuse me.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Yes, Dave.
Look, she needs to start running a powerful, responsive v6 of a campaign.
Yes.
And stop, uh, spending so much time worrying about the media.
Exactly.
You don't see this Acura T.
L.
worried about how it's being treated.
I mean, this thing can take almost anything people can throw at it.
Well well, if all this true, how does Bachmann go about throwing off the focus of being a a an insane female candidate? Oh, she's gotta beat her crazy, male opponents at their own game.
If they're gonna come out supporting gun rights for the developmentally disabled, she should come out supportin' gun rights for dogs.
Exactly that is totally Acura-tte, Lauralee.
I, uh, 100% Acura-tte.
Thank you.
Thank you, Dave.
Okay you know, when Bachmann started running around last week, though, in circles, rubbing herself with mud and and shrieking wildly, the media focused completely on, uh, what her hair looked like during the incident.
Right, but when Herman Cain did the same thing just a few months ago People focused on his insane babblings.
Not his looks.
There's a clear double standard.
No, that's because his insane babblings were political points.
As were hers.
Yes, David? I'm I'm revving this powerful, uh, fuel-injected engine to show my support for Lauralee's opinion.
Well, that's thank you, first responders.
Thank you, very much.
Okay, we need to take a quick break, now, but in the meantime, tweet me your thoughts about the new FDA backed law requiring all fast food customers.
I'll read some of your responses when we come back.
Well, you're back in "The Factzone," and we have a few of your reactions, now, to the FDA''s new requirement for fast food customers to eat in front of a mirror.
Okay, for the last time, stop mentioning that infernal ape, people.
I have spent my whole life trying to forget about him.
All right let's move on, now.
Earlier this week, police in South Carolina pulled the body of missing mom, Sharon Machler, out of a marsh, after her husband confessed to her murder.
The news caught the attention of our own shelby cross, who for years now has campaigned for America's marshes and bogs to be eliminated.
Shelby joins us now, live, in "The Factzone" studio, and with us live via satellite is Jason Popkin of the Wetlands Fund.
Welcome to you both.
So, shelby, let's start with you.
You say that our bogs and marshes should actually be paved over.
That's right.
Absolutely, Brooke! These things are nothing but dead body dumping pits that make life easy for murderers, and it's disgusting to me that sickos like Mr.
Popkin actually wanna protect these things! All right well, Mr.
Popkin, how do you respond to this? Bogs and marshes are important ecosystems that should be protected.
Oh! I mean, they they they're already being endangered.
Whoa excuse me! As long as these human landfills remain open for business, what we're essentially saying to the criminal element is, "sure, do whatever you like and throw the evidence here in this federally protected black hole!" Shelby, America's wetlands are home to thousands of endangered species.
Oh.
I understand that that you don't like some of the activity that may, uh Oh, uh-huh, and how would you like to be stuffed in a steamer trunk and dropped into a bog? Huh, Jason? Would you like that? Have your face gnawed off by some filthy catfish? Would you like it? Would you like that? N no.
Do not interrupt me, sir! Look, I could maybe understand having a soft spot in your heart for marshes.
I mean, it's a type of wetland that experiences continuous shallow flooding okay.
I mean, I don't approve of it, but I can at least see where it comes from.
But bogs a mire filled with decayed plant matter? Okay, okay okay, Shelby, just a minute here.
Come on.
Now, look, I testified before Senator Chuck Grassley, who wanted to lift federal protection o o on these lands.
Right! And what I told him is exactly what I'm gonna tell you, now! Uh-huh, and where is Chuck Grassley, right now, sir? Where is Chuck Grassley, now? Right now? Uh Sir? Probably in Washington.
But, you can't say for sure.
Is that what you're telling me? Could it be that he's sitting at the bottom of a bog somewhere? Why else would you be so hot on these wetlands, if you aren't a murderer yourself? I oh, ho! Shelby squad, descend.
Ah! All right good work, shelby it sure looks like you, uh, bagged another creep.
Well, now, let's quickly check in with the 2012 campaign trail over there at the recon wall.
Tucker? Thanks, Brooke.
Mitt Romney's campaign took a big hit earlier this week, after reports that he had slept with a prostitute.
But, those poll numbers are now soaring, after the revelation that the prostitute paid Romney to sleep with her.
Jasmine James, the prostitute in question, confirmed those rumors just earlier this afternoon.
He just has this sexy, sensual electricity that no woman can resist.
He was very considerate of my needs, very considerate.
Romney rose to prominence in the republican party largely due to his raw, palpable sexual charisma, which stirs longings in the loins of females everywhere.
Earlier today, on "Washington this afternoon," "The Onion News Network's" Jane Carmichael had a chance to sit down with Mr.
Romney and speak to him directly.
Oh, well, Mr.
Romney, I oh, my, I'm just is it really hot in this studio? Hmm what is wrong with me? Oh, just listen to me.
You you you are so rowr! Uh, Brooke? Hmm? Hey, uh, do you, uh, do you still have the implant in you? Is that? I don't know what you mean, Tucker.
Oh, well, the documentary said, uh, the scientists put something inside of you to regulate your hormones, just to make you and the chimp, uh, better friends, so ahem okay, look, Tucker.
That animal and I had to fight for every scrap of food and every breath of oxygen in that eight-by-eight-by-six shuttle.
Yeah, that's ter that's terrible.
We were nothing less than mortal enemies from the first to the last.
Do you have any idea what that's like, comrade Tucker? Uh, well, I did get, uh, spit on by a llama at a petting zoo once, and I I hadn't really provoked it, so my mission is to observe chimp and report findings.
Brooke? My mission is to observe chimp and report findings.
Hey, Brooke? Are you Brooke? Brooke, Brooke, you there? Okay uh, we have to take a quick commercial break now, so, uh, stay with us.
You're back in "The Factzone.
" White house economic guru and former Zico coconut water ceo, Blake Morris, has unveiled his plan for stimulating the economy investing every penny of the budget in coconuts.
Now, um, as you can see here, coconuts from growers around the world have begun pouring into the nation's capital and are covering 50 square miles of Washington D.
C.
And the surrounding areas.
And, uh, finally, with us tonight, we have with, uh, uh, Dr.
Marcia Talbot to discuss an alarming new study.
Welcome, Marcia, and thank you, so much, for being with us tonight.
Hi, Brooke.
O'Brady, what the hell are you doing here? I apologize for the ruse, but because of my endless compassion, the network has asked me to speak to you about your traumatic experience in space Brooke, before you say anything What? You've never talked about what happened on that capsule, and you need to, because if you don't, you're headed for a major psychotic episode.
Okay, wait a minute.
What is going on here? Brooke, you have to confront the Mercury enemas.
And the fact that they gave, uh, Mr.
Dmitry the chimp a switch-blade and they gave you nothing, you have to open up about this, Brooke.
Look at me, look at me.
You are in America, now.
Nyet! Okay you're safe here.
Nyet, nyet! Brooke, are you with me? Nyet.
Brooke? It would seem that we have lost Brooke to a complete mental breakdown, due to her sudden confrontation with long repressed trauma.
I will personally see to it poor Brooke gets the help that she needs and does not return to the air until she's made a complete recovery.
Nyet, nyet! That's all from "The Factzone.
" Stay tuned for "gut check," right after this.