The Royle Family (1998) s02e05 Episode Script

# I would like to leave this city # This old town don't smell too pretty and # I can feel the warning signs # Running around my mind # So what do you say? # You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway # You're half the world away # Half the world away # Half the world away # (Clattering) (Doorbell rings) Don't worry about it, Jim.
I'll get it.
(Door opens and slams) (Dave) All right? (Denise) Hiya, Mam.
- I can't see any wounds.
It's lively.
- (Denise) Mam? What's wrong? - Mam? - Ooh! Ooh! Lively chap.
- All right, Jim? - Oh, hiya, Dave.
(Woman) He's not really underweight.
He's not dehydrated.
He was lucky he What's up with Barbara? She looks a bit upset.
Denise went in t'kitchen wi' her.
Oh, there's nothing wrong with her.
It's the menopause.
Oh.
The bloody change.
You know what? - I'm up to there with it.
- Mm.
I'm just his bloody skivvy.
It was worse when your nana was staying.
I'd come home from work and that sink'd be full of pots, they'd be fighting.
I just wanted to get my coat on and go somewhere.
Aw, Mam.
And he is just so lazy.
Well, he hasn't got any hobbies.
I try and think of things for him to do.
He does the crossword in the paper so I bought him a puzzler the other day.
And he just went mad.
He said I'd wasted £1.
70 and he wouldn't speak to me for the rest of the night.
It's not a life, this, it's just a bloody existence.
- He's always got food in his beard.
- Well, he never has a wash! How long does it last, this change malarkey? Don't know.
A few years, innit? - Bloody hell.
- Mm.
The only time he has a wash is when he goes to the doctor's.
He just sits there, mouthing off in that chair.
Another time I came in, your nana's face was like thunder.
He wouldn't put her drops in.
He is just so selfish.
Poor Antony.
He's got no confidence.
Jim's knocked it all out of him, calling him "a lanky streak of piss" all the time.
Well Well, he has got a point there.
Has your mum had her change yet? - (Rolf Harris) She was 9-year-old Jade.
- I dunno.
She's not said nowt.
(Rolf Harris) Tests showed Splodge had two problems.
Most of the time, I put up with it while you two were growing up.
- Oh - I don't know why I'm here, Denise.
Oh, Mam Oh You could come and live with us.
- No, you could.
- Oh, Denise.
And when the baby's born, I'm gonna be rushed off me feet.
- (Sobs) - Eh? (Rolf) As well as having bladder stones Tell you what, Dave, you should have seen her before.
- She's gone too far this time.
- Why? Bang.
She just switched the telly off.
There's no need for that.
That's what I mean.
- Aaah - (Sobs) Ah (Denise tuts) - Do you like me new top? - (Sobbing) Oh! Oh! I'm not one of them husbands that goes out every night.
Admittedly I would be if I could afford it.
I have two nights and one afternoon a week and it's still not good enough.
I don't want to get involved, Jim.
- She does work hard, though.
- Hard, my arse.
A couple of hours in the bloody bakery.
Mmm I don't want to get involved.
It's nowt to do with me.
(Sniffs) Ah The trouble with me is I'm too easy-bloody-going.
She walks all over me.
The days she works it's half seven, quarter to eight before my tea's ready.
But I don't say nothing.
I just get on with it.
(Sniffs) He's got no conversation about him at all.
Do you know, he absolutely hated work.
Hated it.
I always thought that when he gave it up, I'd see a lovely side of Jim that I'd never seen before.
- There isn't one.
- No.
You know, the doctor said about this HRT thing.
He said, "Have a little think "and go and discuss it with your husband.
" All Jim could say was, "That HRT's horse's piss.
" And that, "Them doctors are raking it in.
" And he was taken out of the oxygen tent.
It was a really tense time.
Everyone was willing Sammy to pull through.
They gave him injections of the antidote every 12 hours.
And by the end of the weekend, it was good news.
Sammy's blood had started to clot again.
Hey, Dad.
What have you said to me mam? Why do you always have to upset her? - What? - You're horrible to her.
You're always horrible to her.
And you're horrible to Nana ar all.
(Jim) Bloody hell, what have I done now? You never say anything nice to her.
You never offer to take her anywhere.
That's the bloody menopause, that.
Anyway, you're bloody lazier than me.
I bet you haven't cooked him a meal since you've been married.
- Has she, Dave? - I have, haven't I, Dave? - Not a meal.
- Oh, shut it, you! Anyway, this is nothing to do with us.
This is about you.
It's about you and your bloody mother! She's poisoned you against me.
You're always on her bloody side.
You're as thick as bloody thieves.
Get your nana round and the whole bloody coven can have a go at me.
Dave, you've made a hell of a mistake marrying into this lot.
- You don't deserve her, you.
- She doesn't bloody deserve bloody me! - (Dave chuckles) - Dave! Why do you always take his side? Well, it's your mam's menopause, innit? - Correct, Dave.
- It's not her menopause.
It's the way he treats her.
He's all right.
Leave him alone.
Dave, will you keep your big fat nose out? It's nothing to do with you.
It's not your family.
You've brought me in on this argument.
It's nothing to do with me.
Bloody hell.
What about you having a pop at your dad? And you're never off your arse, are yer? Correct, David.
I'm pregnant, and I'm carrying your child about, thank you very much.
What do you mean, you're pregnant and you're carrying my child about? Anyone'd think you're the only woman ever to be pregnant.
It's only the size of a bloody orange.
Well, that's as much as you know.
It's the size of a grapefruit, thank you, Dave.
- Grapefruit, my arse.
- Correct, Jim.
Thank you.
Anyway, how come we never go round to my mam and dad's? I'll tell you why, Dave.
Cos they sit on their arses and watch telly all night.
And it's boring.
Anyway, you go round twice a week as it is.
That's to take me washing round and pick it up again.
You know that.
Oh, well, well, well.
How come we've been married for ages and your mum's never offered to do my washing? You've got a washing machine.
You should be doing my washing.
Cost me 280 notes, that.
- How much? - 280 bloody notes.
She's never had a single thing in it.
- Well, you try being pregnant, right? - And what? And nothing.
You're bone bloody idle.
I am preparing myself for motherhood.
- Motherhood, my arse.
- Correct, Dave.
Thank you, James.
- (Squawking) - (Man) It's a she, actually.
Little girl.
There's no obvious injuries.
I'm gonna give some rehydration Who's, erm - Who's gonna wash the baby's things? - Will you stop shit-stirring it, Dad? - It's nothing to do with you.
- (Footsteps) (Door slams) - (Squawking) - (Man) Oh, be brave! That's it.
Mind.
(Rolf Harris) To a layman, that looks really scary.
(Gasps) It's me mam.
She's got her coat on.
Dad, will you go after her? Me? Why don't you go after her? I'm pregnant.
Dave, you go after her.
I'm watching this.
She's only gone to Mary's to have a bloody go at me from round there.
Anyway, Mary's the only one who doesn't know I'm a big, fat, lazy arse.
She's not gone to Mary's.
(Gasps) I wonder where she's going.
It's all your fault.
She's on the change.
She might walk out in front of a lorry and get run over.
Well, we can always put a claim in.
(Laughs) Poor Mam.
I've never seen her so upset.
You're horrible, you.
- You've broken our home up.
- (Jim) It's not even your bloody home.
Mam said Antony stormed out, now she's gone, I'll be next.
You're too bloody lazy to storm off anywhere, you.
No, you're the lazy one.
You're the bloody lazy one.
Get lost! You're way lazier than me.
- My arse.
You are.
- No, you are.
- She is.
- He is.
- Now this is how it works.
- (Jim and Dave cheer loudly) Oh, yeah, yey-ey-ey! (Tarrant) Four possible answers appear.
They enter the answer on their keypad.
Tell you what, this has gotta be the best show on television bar none.
- Too right.
for a possible one million pounds.
Audience, nice and quiet, please.
Complete silence.
It's fastest finger first.
Which of these words describes a woven fibre and an ancient people? - Pict, Jute, Persian, Celt? - (Jim) Persian! Bloody Persian! Persian man, Persian rug.
I guess B, Jute.
The answer to the question was - It was Jute.
- Ooh, yes! Clever dick.
You got that wrong, didn't ya? Who got it right? - Dave Best got it right.
- Eileers the fastest tonight! - # Come on Eileen, come on, Eileen # - Come on, love! # I swear at this moment And come on Eileen # (Mimics TV music) Eileen, you're from Aberdeenshire.
You're out of work.
You'd desperately like some money.
- What would you do with a million? - Get her roots done.
- (Dave laughs) - First thing I'd do is buy a car.
£100 for the first question.
Let's play.
- (# Theme plays) - (Dave mimics theme) What collective name is given to the structure of bones in the body? - Have a look at 'em.
Nervous system - Skellington! - Oh, erm - (Dave) B, skeleton.
- Glands, or lungs.
- B.
- Skeleton, you said.
For £100.
- Yes.
It's the right answer.
You've got £100.
Yes! £100.
A piece of piss.
What colour is normally associated with ecological groups? - Black.
- (Jim) No! - Blue.
- No! - Red.
- No.
- Green.
- Yes! (Tarrant) £200.
D.
Green.
(Scottish accent) D.
Green.
- Hey-hey! 200 notes.
Piss easy.
- (Applause on TV) You take £200.
OK, you're doing well.
What's the hardest substance known to man? - Duckers! (Laughs) - Amber, limestone, lead - Duckers - Diamonds.
- (Eileen) Diamonds.
- Diamonds your answer.
For £300.
- It's the right answer.
You've got £300.
- Ooh, yes! (Applause on TV) (Tarrant) You're doing well.
Right.
Which people You think she'd put a bit more lippy on, wouldn't ya, you know, going on telly.
Bloody hell, it's nerves.
She keeps licking it off.
Look! (Denise) Oh, yeah.
(Dave) Watch.
- Pirates is right for 500 quid.
- Look! (Applause on TV) What's the term used in golf to indicate the stroke rating for each hole? - Handicap, bogey - (Denise) Bogey! (Laughs) Dave.
Dave.
Bogey! (Both laugh) Dad, do you know what Dave calls crows? (Denise) Bogeys! - (# Theme plays) - (Mimics theme playing) You've got three lifelines left.
You can go 50-50, you can phone a friend, you can ask the audience.
Let's have a look for £2,000.
You've got £1,000.
You might as well play for two.
Which group entered the UK charts in 1995 with Lifted? Lighthouse Family! Number one, August 1995.
Got everything they've ever done.
- Skin.
- C.
Lighthouse Family.
Correct, love.
- You're saying Lighthouse Family.
- Come on, Chris! - It's the right answer.
- Yo! (Applause on TV) - Hey, Dave.
- I've got everything they've ever done.
You're in good shape.
You're very quick on this.
- Dad! Dave.
- Yeah.
Let's have a look at the next question.
Tell me if you want to play it.
For £4,000.
What kind of animal is a hind? - Is it a horse? - (Jim) Horse's arse! - Is it a dog? - Horse's arse! - Is it a sheep? - Horse's arse! - Is it a deer? - Horse's arse! - Deer.
- You wanna play? You're saying deer.
You've got £2,000.
- You've now got £4,000.
- It was a deer.
It looks like a horse's arse from the back.
Right, Eileen.
Please, don't lose this.
You need this money, I know you do.
You've got £4,000.
Have a look at the question.
You've got three lifelines.
- Ethanol is the most common form of - Ethanol? - "Most common form" - Oil.
- Substance? - Plastic.
Gas.
Alcohol.
(Denise) Ooh You've got £4,000.
You can take it now if you want.
Gas.
You're confident.
You don't want a lifeline? Could I phone somebody, please? - You can phone a friend.
- (Both) Phone a friend.
If one of us was on the show and we had to phone your nana, she'd spend half an hour telling us about when she fell in the precinct.
(AII laugh) - Hi, it's Chris Tarrant - Phoning her sister.
Hi.
You're very laid-back.
I've got your sister Eileen here.
- 'Yeah.
' - I know you're not watching the TV.
There's a question here she's stuck on, she wants to play for £8,000.
Eileen, talk to Moira.
We start the clock now.
Hiya.
Ethanol is the most common form of which substance? Oil, gas, plastic or alcohol? 'What did you say? ' Ethanol is the most common form of which substance? Oil, plastic, gas or alcohol? (Dave) Got to be one of them four.
(Denise) Yeah.
(Denise) Ah, her bottle's gone, innit? (Jim) She doesn't know.
(Dave) Tell you what, her bottle's gone.
- 'I'd go for plastic.
' - (Denise) Ah, he'd love her to win, Chris.
(Dave) Mm Tell you summat.
He'd love her to win, Chris.
Eileen, you've got £4,000 if you take it now.
You could also play a 50-50 or ask this audience.
- 50-50.
- 50-50 will get rid of two wrong answers.
- 50-50.
- Going 50-50.
Dad.
50-50.
Computer, will you please take away two wrong answers leaving one right answer and one wrong answer? (Eileen) Plastic.
- You're gonna play and you say plastic.
- Yes.
You've got £4,000.
- Don't do that.
- (Tarrant) It's the wrong answer.
Aaah - (Denise) Aah.
- (Sighs) Alcohol.
I thought you'd have known that, Denise! I've never even drank ethanol.
Eileen still leaves here on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? With £1,000.
Oh, she looks dead upset, Dad, don't she? - But she still won a grand, though.
- Oh, yeah.
- Gutted, though, irt she? - Yeah.
Eileen Harper's just left here £1,000 richer.
Now we've just got time to pick one more player.
You know the drill, all of you.
There'll be nine arses all going at the same time there, Dave.
Eh? - (Mouths) - (Jim chuckles) Eh? Nine little bottoms chewing on their undies.
(Tarrant) Detroit, Los Angeles, Boston or Indianapolis.
(Jim) Oh, hey, I'll tell you what.
- We nearly won the lottery on Saturday.
- Did you? One bloody number I wanted.
Number 17.
And 18 popped out.
I was that bloody close, eh? That close to winning a tenner.
Ross Jacksors the fastest in 2.
2 seconds! Eh, Dad, what was that old quiz show that you used to really like with, erm oh, what's his name? Thingy.
Er - Roy Walker? - Oh, Catchphrase! Oh, ha-ha! (Irish) Say what you see, if you see it, say it! (Irish) That's a good answer but it's not right.
(Chuckles) Say what you see, if you see it, say it! (Sighs laughing) Say what you see, if you see it, say it! (Giggles) (Whines and sighs laughing) - Say what you see, if you see it, say it! - Dave, stop it! - I'm only saying what I see.
- But you're not seeing it.
So stop saying it.
- Just like to get there first of all.
- (Chris laughs) Have a look at the questions Do you know who the best quizmaster is? - Les Dennis.
- (Family Fortunes wrong answer buzzer) - Bob Monkhouse.
- (Family Fortunes wrong answer buzzer) (Jim and Dave do wrong answer buzzers) (Wrong answer buzzer) Hey, what about old Brucie baby? (As Bruce Forsyth) Ohhhhh, good game, good game, wurrrrrr (Laughs) Nice to see you, to see you nice! Here they are, they're so appealing, OK, dollies, do your dealing.
(AII laugh) Hey.
Higher than an eight.
Higher than an eight.
- Lower.
Lower.
- Lower.
Hey, remember him? Remember him? (As Larry Grayson) Ooh, look at the muck here.
Ooh, Everard, shut that door.
Dave, don't do that.
(Tarrant) Is that him? Oh, bless, it's him.
It might be tomorrow or it might be in May 2000 or anywhere between the two.
OK.
Well, don't forget you really could win a million pounds.
- (Footsteps) - There it is.
- (Door opens and closes) - Uh-oh.
(Footsteps, door opens) If she answers 15 questions correctly, she goes home with a million pounds.
Unlike any other show, you can see the questions and the possible answers, and decide whether to play on.
If she decides to answer the next question and gets it wrong, she goes home with nothing.
If she gets it right, she wins £1,000 and that's hers to keep.
- Then just five questions to £32,000 - Ta.
- If she gets a million, I propose.
- Ta.
She's still got three lifelines to use.
- You all right, Mam? - (Barbara) Yeah.
OK.
Have a look at the first question, and tell me what you want to do.
- You all right, Barbara? - (# Theme tune plays) Yeah.
Which fish spelt backwards is the name of one of the seven dwarfs? 500 quid.
Play.
- You all right, Barb? - Haddock - Or eel.
- I have to be, don't I? I walked the length of this neighbourhood looking for you.
You've had us worried out of our bloody minds here.
(# Millionaire theme plays) Where did you go, Mam? I just went for a little walk, to clear me head.
Is anything the matter, Mam? No, nothing.
Nothing that won't keep.
I've kept it in for over 27 years now.
A counting device is your answer for £2,000.
You had £1,000.
I'll tell you what, Barb, there was a woman just like you on the change just made £1,000 there on the telly.
So it's not all doom and gloom.
So, look, you and your change, you just sit there and I'll make us a nice cup of tea.
Nice cup of tea, Barb? Nice cup of tea, Dave? Denise? Nice cup of tea for you and the little one? Medium to strong, eh? I go and heat the pot and we let it brew, eh? A nice cup of tea's coming your way.
Oh, and keep an eye on Dave from Halifax for me because I am making a brew.
Even though that's my favourite programme, I am making a brew.
And do you know why? Because I'm a family man.
Oh, and Barbara, you want a bit of conversation about Pauline or Donna or even about the bakery chitchat, think on while I'm making a brew.
(Tarrant) Which English county has a border with only one other? - (Water running) - Devon, Norfolk, Cornwall, Kent? - D! - You can phone a friend.
Kent.
Kettle's nearly boiling, love.
Nice and hot.
When you wet the pot, the water's got to be really piping.
(Applause, theme tune plays) What's Britairs busiest passenger port? - Is it Fishguard? - We'll have to get a portable in here.
- (Barbara) Hm.
- Is it Harwich? Or is it Dover? (Man) D, Dover, Chris.
(Jim) Sugar bowl's empty, Barb.
(Applause on TV) - (Jim) Where's the sugar? - Top left-hand cupboard.
- Have a look at the question.
- Where it always is.
What's the most common bird of prey found in the United Kingdom? (Clattering) Is it the red kite? Is it the golden eagle? (Jim) Any biscuits, Barb? There's some Penguins in the big Tupperware box.
(Drawers and cupboards opening and closing) What is the most common bird of prey found in the United Kingdom? - (Woman) Kestrel.
- Where is the Tupperware box? In the cupboard with the cornflakes.
- You've now got £4,000.
- (Cheering and applause) (Jim) There's no Penguins, Barb.
(Sighs heavily) Here.
Hey, Barb.
We'll get through this change thing together.
You know what I mean, kid.
Yeah.
Right.
I'm making a little brew.
I'm making a lovely pot of tea here.
# Tea for two, two for tea # Diddle-dee-dee, diddle-dee-dee, dee-dee-dee # "Do you know the piano's on my foot?" "You hum it, sir, and I'll play it.
" You hum it and I'll play it.
(Chuckles) - A nice cup of tea, Davey? - Mm.
- Thank you, James.
- (Tarrant) Michelle Millest and Tina Bird.
You can see the rules on Teletext on ITV, page 364, or the ITV website, or you can write to PO Box Thank you.
If you wanna win, then you gotta ring - Here you are.
For the grapefruit.
- Thank you.
Mmmmm.
Net.
(Man) You could actually win a million pounds tomorrow.
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Who wants to be a millionaire? I bloody don't.
I'm already a millionaire.
With a million pound of love in the bank.
- Dave? Are you having that, Dave? - Good one that, James.
And I tell you what, tomorrow night I'd like to cordially invite you round to my simple modest home, that's David, Denise and the grapefruit, to join me and my lovely wife Barbara, who will come from work to find me entertaining her sweet-smelling mother whilst preparing a meal.
You're not gonna cook! Are you gonna cook? My onion gravy, a delicacy, will be gently caressing the fluffy mash, which will be straddled by two succulent sausages.
Eh? How does that grab you, Barb? OK, Dave? Well, I'll believe it when I see it.
(Dave) Hey, hang on.
Tomorrow night? That's the darts final in the Feathers.
Oh, bloody hell, yeah, I'd forgot all about that.
Ah, well, the thought was there, Barb.
- (Barb groans) - What? # So what do you say? # You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway # You're half the world away # Half the world away # Half the world away # I've been lost I've been found but I don't feel down # No, I don't feel down # No, I don't feel down #