The Sex Lives of College Girls (2021) s02e05 Episode Script

Monsters never sleep
We drivin' like a villain
They be counting sheep
I'm the G.O.A.T. keep it chillin'
G.O.A.T, not D.O.A please
Your B.O way stinks
Yeah, getta away, creep
I just got amazing news.
Theta's charter officially got reinstated,
which means they can finally
throw parties again.
- Hell, yes.
- Oh, my God.
Obviously, we have to make up
for lost time.
Go to all of them and look super slutty.
The names of these parties
are insane!
Threesome Thursday,
Fuck Me Friday
and Sit On My Face Saturday.
They're gonna get kicked off
this campus again so fast.
We better party while we can.
It's gonna be a really exciting week,
especially because of this little guy.
Um, everyone sees Kimberly's
holding a needle, right?
These are my hormone injections.
They coach my body
into making tons of eggs.
Do they make your boobs bigger?
If so, can I have three?
No. But the side effects aren't bad.
The only bummer is that I can't drink.
But it's Theta's party week.
You'll be a sober dud.
You don't have to drink to have fun.
Who has to drink to have fun?
- I do.
- Everyone in college.
I'm tipsy right now.
Well, can one of you help me
with the first injection?
I don't like watching things
go under my skin.
Yeah, I'll do it.
But what happens if I hit your bones?
Where are your bones?
Sorry, I can't do it.
I'm in my head about the bones.
Oh, my God. Just give it to me. Please.
Oh.
Wow. She's really doing it.
Ow! My bone!
Just kidding.
See, I am fun when I'm sober.
Hey, Whit. I forgot to do Biochem again.
Can I say it's 'cause your grandma died?
I already used up all mine.
No, that's horrible.
Plus, I might need a grandma
to kill during midterms.
Oh, shit. Guys,
Jackson's running towards us.
What do I do? What should I say?
Well, he straight up called you sexy
at the KJ House. Say something hot.
- Okay.
- You got it.
Ow, ow! Big boy runs fast!
What did you say?
I said, "Big boy runs fast."
Right.
Bye.
You had a second chance
and you said that shit again?
- Yeah, you're ruining this for us.
- Us?
Yes, us. Our suite
is like a freaking sexual black hole.
Leighton got chlamydia,
I'm banging Where's Waldo?,
and Whitney just got dumped. We need this.
Okay. Yeah. Okay. It's true. I got dumped.
But, guys, I'm over Canaan.
Actually, I already have my eye on someone
I'm excited to get to know better.
Yes, now we're talking. Who is it?
Her name is Whitney. It's me.
I'm excited to love myself.
- That's beautiful.
- I hated that.
Uh-oh.
He's running back again.
- I'm gonna go duck into a building.
- Smart.
What should I wear
to Theta tonight?
Outfit one
or option two?
Are these children's clothes?
Yeah. Nothing makes your titties pop
like a toddler top.
Does that say, "Daddy's Lil' Quarterback"?
I know. I love it.
I just wish they had one in my size.
None of these are in your size.
There you go.
I got a D.
But I studied for, like, 15 minutes.
Holy crap! I got my first A.
I am so texting this to my mom.
Gonna rub it in her face for doubting me.
Wait, that's not your test.
Moriah Harris?
Who's that?
Excuse me, Paul.
Sorry. I think you gave me the wrong test.
I'm so sorry.
I must've mixed you two up. My b!
Great job.
Who mixes up the names
Whitney and Mariah?
I mean, they're both legendary pop divas,
but the similarity ends there, bro.
Who are you guys talking about?
Our Biochem TA mixed me up with
the only other Black girl in our class.
First of all, are you okay?
And, it's important that you know this,
you don't have to be.
Okay. It's annoying, yeah,
but I don't wanna make it a whole thing.
Well, if that's your choice,
I fully support you.
But I also think
we could organize a rally.
Why don't you just mention it
to him next class?
No, if I did that,
it'd probably get all twisted
and I'd become the angry Black girl.
- Guys. Okay.
We don't have to solve
subtle racism tonight, okay?
Let's just have fun.
If we can ever get inside.
I got this.
Hey, door guy!
Hell, yeah. Toddler tops.
- It's very upsetting that that worked.
- Yeah.
Leight, don't answer this
if this is homophobic.
- Not off to a great start.
- Of the three of us,
who are you most attracted to?
Are you seriously asking her to rank us?
Not in a bad way.
Just in terms of physical hotness.
This is ridiculous.
- Thank you, Whit.
- Because obviously, I'd be number one.
- What's so funny?
- Nothing.
I think she's laughing
at your overconfidence.
Leighton is way more into my brand
of understated elegance.
Damn it, I spilled tequila
on my children's shirt!
I am not engaging in this.
That said,
Bela would not be first or second.
- I'm top two.
- Yeah, but I put out!
Does that not factor in at all?
Look, no offense,
but none of you are really my type.
What is your type?
My perfect woman would probably be 5'6",
good style,
preferably from a major metropolitan city,
blonde.
I think you just described yourself.
I did. I would be happy with a me.
So of all the girls in the suite,
you rank yourself first?
Oh, absolutely.
Well, okay then.
You know, I would too.
She didn't hear me.
Hey!
Eric, what are you doing here?
Did a frat guy hire you
to fix his computer or something?
Bela, for the last time,
I am not a member of the Geek Squad.
- Here you go.
- Thanks. Bela, this is Dana.
How do you guys know each other?
Is she your cousin or something?
- She's my date.
- And I'm a new writer on the Catullan.
Oh, really?
So you're funny and pretty.
Love that for you.
Please, you are way prettier than me.
I look like I was
just rescued from a well.
That was actually pretty insensitive
to people
who've lost family members
in well accidents.
I cannot believe Eric
brought another girl here.
- I can't believe he knows another girl.
- Be honest, I'm hotter than her, right?
Actually, don't be honest, just say yes.
Are you jealous? I thought you and Eric
were both hooking up with other people.
Yeah. But when I do it,
it's fun, and flirty, and feminist.
When he does it,
it's offensive to women everywhere.
Kimberly, are you in there?
Leighton, come in!
Did you have an accident?
No. I have to do my hormone injections
at the same time every day.
And in hindsight, I maybe
shouldn't have chosen 9:30 p.m,
but can you please inject me?
But why are you naked?
I was wearing a jumpsuit,
so I had to take the whole thing off.
- Where are your shoes?
- There was a rock in one.
It's a separate issue.
Can you just stick this in my tummy?
Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine.
Okay. But please, stop saying
the word tummy, all right?
You're an 18-year-old girl,
not Winnie the fucking Pooh.
All right.
How'd you get so good at this?
I had to do my mom's Botox
during the pandemic.
It was a challenging time for us all.
Well, thank you. You're a lifesaver.
Sure.
But you don't expect me to do this
like every night, right?
No, of course not.
It's Theta's theme party week.
I would never ask that of you.
I 100% have it from here.
Come on.
Stop.
No, I'm serious, stop.
- Let's go.
- Thank you.
Perfect.
That is the last shot.
We are done.
Thank you so much.
I felt so close to you this week.
I don't say this enough, but I love you.
You've said it many times,
the hormones must be working.
Hey, hotties.
Heads up, I left a lot of body glitter
in that shower.
Good to know. Are you still
good to drive me tomorrow?
Yeah, it'll be you, me,
my mom's Ford Fiesta.
And, to pass the time, my favorite album,
voice recordings of me
singing Disney songs.
Travis is driving you to Boston
for your procedure?
He's the only person I know
who has a car on campus.
I will just take us.
But you don't have a car.
Right. But I do have a phone number
to a car service, which is all we need.
Leighton, that's so nice.
Do car services have a dress code
I should be aware of?
Look at this dumb piece
that dumb bitch Dana wrote.
"12 Corporate Logos
That Look Like My Vagina"?
What a hack.
That literally sounds like
something you would write.
Sure, but I would've been able
to come up with at least 14.
And the presence of an asymmetric
A chiral molecule?
Correct.
Nice.
You were so smart today.
You were like,
"Uh, it's a spiral molecule." Bam!
It's chiral, not spiral.
And bam! She bams again.
Good job today, Moriah.
Hey, you go ahead. I'll catch you later.
Hey, Paul.
So my name is actually Whitney.
- Oh.
- Just wanted to make that clear
'cause you called me Moriah
a couple times.
So I'm Whitney, she's Moriah.
All right?
We good?
Can we talk in private?
I promise you,
I am not a racist.
I didn't say you were, Paul.
Just trying to tell you my name.
- Please don't cry.
- Mixing you two up was an honest mistake.
And I know what I'm doing now
is putting my trauma onto you,
so I am stopping. But let me say
that I love Black people and culture.
And I support Black businesses
whenever possible.
- Okay.
- You good?
I feel good. Hug it out?
Leighton, hold up!
Hold up.
Do I know you?
We're in an eight-person
math seminar twice a week.
My name's Jimin.
- And I'm Maurice.
- Right.
Um, it was so great to catch up.
- Are you going to Hackathon today?
- The what-a-what?
It's the math department's
craziest day of the year.
We spend 24 hours trying
to solve a PhD-level equation.
And some years? We do.
Well, we could really use
another smart person on our team.
I really love the passion you're showing
for this depressing event,
but sadly, I can't.
My roommate and I are going out of town.
Also, for future notice,
I will not be joining
any math-based extracurriculars.
We'll be live-streaming it
if you wanna tune in.
I am so sorry,
you are just out of earshot. Yeah.
We'll be live-streaming
if you wanna tune in.
Okay. Amazing. Thank you.
Hi, Eric.
Hi.
Hi, Dana. Sorry, didn't see you there.
- How?
- Eric, can I steal you for a sec?
I was actually just leaving.
I will see you later.
Bye, Dana.
So, what's later?
Do you two have a board game club
or something?
- We're going to that Theta party.
- Oh, nice.
I'm going to that party
with someone else, too.
Great.
Did my phone just buzz?
- I don't think so.
- Oh! It did. It was him.
You can meet him at the party.
Sure.
Aaron.
Uh, who are you?
Don't be ridiculous.
I'm Bela.
Okay.
Well, I'll be your date
to your party today.
- Did I ask you?
- You didn't.
I'll pick myself up at 4:00. Bye.
The fuck?
Leighton, I honestly
can't thank you enough.
This is the fanciest car
I've ever been in.
Look at these gorgeous wooden trims.
I'm glad you like it.
Like it? I love it.
I mean, there are seat heaters
in the back.
What is this, like, a moving spa?
Your parents have a car, right?
Yeah. We used to have two.
What are you doing?
Are you on some, like,
cool gay dating app?
No, I'm watching this dumb math Hackathon.
You're watching math, like, for fun?
Oh, no. I'm just letting it play so that
my teacher knows that I'm watching.
I'm not, like, paying attention
or anything.
Come on, Jimin! How do you
mess up a problem like that?
Leighton?
I think someone forgot
four water bottles in the back.
Should we tell the driver?
Kimberly, those are for us.
Holy shit.
I feel like a celebrity.
Do you need help?
You've been staring at that form
for, like, ten minutes.
It says I can't sue them
if I die during the procedure.
I'm kind of freaking out.
I promise you are gonna be okay.
I've never been put under before,
have you?
- Once.
- How was it?
- Bad.
- Oh! I was hoping you'd say good.
I was 16 and I was getting
my wisdom teeth removed.
And the nurse told me that people,
like, lose their inhibitions
and say all this crazy shit
to their family
and, like, their deep secrets
when they wake up.
So I spent the entire time terrified that
I had accidentally come out to my mom.
But you didn't.
No.
Although I did say a lot of
other crazy stuff that Nico taped
and I will be doing the same to you.
You're gonna be fine.
Thank you so much for coming with me.
I would be so much more scared
if I were alone.
You could be worse than alone.
You could be with Travis.
Well, I appreciate it.
I can't believe I'm actually doing this.
Is this crazy?
- It's crazy. I'm fine. It's fine.
- Hang on.
Scoot.
- Kimberly.
- What's up, my girl?
- Hey, guys.
- Is it over?
- Did you already have the baby?
Kidding. But you know
what I'm not kidding about?
You look hospital hot.
It's true. You look good.
Thank you.
Okay. All right.
This is getting way too sentimental,
so we got to go.
Good luck. I'm so proud of you.
We love you.
- You got this.
- Bye. I love you.
All right.
- You ready?
- I am.
Good.
This party looks sick.
Sure does.
Actually, I can't really see,
Amazon Basics does not make
a quality contact lens,
but it's worth it to look hot.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go run
a hot lap and see who checks me out.
I am so sorry.
There's my date.
Me?
You're cute.
We talked about this two hours ago.
Okay, what is this about?
Look, bro, I am using your body
to make another man jealous.
So could you please take your shirt off
and flex your abs the whole time
while I introduce you?
Sure.
That is so cool of you.
You're so down-to-earth.
I will need to ice your nipples
real quick to get them hard first.
Can't we just go meet this person?
Jeez. So much for being down-to-earth.
Whoa, Eric.
I completely forgot you'd be here!
I didn't know you owned shorts.
Have you met my date, Aaron?
Hey. Bela, what's going on with your eyes?
Aren't they exotic?
Look at how hot Aaron's body is.
Hey, Dingo. Sorry, it is Dingo, right?
It's Dana.
Oh, my God, of course.
Are you having fun?
We actually just got here.
We were at my apartment
- watching a movie.
- Nice. Which movie?
Knives Out. I loved it.
- Me too.
- I can't wait for the sequels.
- Whoa. They're making sequels?
- Yeah.
Ow, my eye!
Are you okay?
My straw hit it.
It's fine. I can still see.
But I need to check in
on a friend who's doing a thing.
Aaron, are you coming?
No, I'm good.
Thank you.
Okay. Can we have a shit talk corner?
Ooh, you know that's my favorite activity.
I am actually majoring in it right now.
So I had a really weird run-in
with one of my TAs.
Did you see him in shorts?
I hate seeing an authority figure's knees.
No. So he confused me with
the other Black girl in our class.
And when I tried to casually correct him,
- he started crying.
- He pulled the white tears card?
If I had a dollar for every time
that happened,
I'd only have 63 cents
'cause Black women make
significantly less on the dollar.
The whole thing was exhausting.
No cap, I was so naive for thinking
it'd be different in college.
My freshman roommate apologized
to me for going on a safari.
A white girl on my floor once asked me
if I knew how to cornrow her hair.
And, I mean, I do know how to do it,
but you can't just ask me that.
I did mean to ask you.
Can you do my hair on Saturday?
Yeah, girl. I got you.
What's annoying is I'm the one
who's still thinking about it.
Like, now I have to feel bad
about upsetting him?
Preserving my chill is my number one,
so, personally, I would ignore that.
Or you can switch places
with the other girl one day
and really mess with him.
I needed this.
I'm so glad I ran into you all.
You could run into us a lot more
if you stopped by KJ.
I know there was drama
with Canaan last time you were there,
but that don't mean
you can't come through.
Yeah. Yeah, you're right. I will.
- I will.
- Okay.
Leighton.
Hey, you absolutely killed it.
The nurse said you did amazing.
They got, like, 28 eggs from you.
- Is that good?
- Based off a Google search
I did while you were drooling
in your sleep, it's great.
Yay. I did it.
Hell, yeah, you did.
Leighton, can I tell you a secret?
Okay.
You're gay, and I love you for it.
Well, this is gonna be
a long car ride home.
Pee outside, bitch.
Bela, it's me.
God, you look like my family's husky.
What is going on with you?
What is going on with you and that
wet-mouthed trollop son of a bitch Dana?
I think you might be
a little bit jealous of Dana.
No, I don't think so.
You can't have it both ways, Bela.
Well, you're clearly dangling
that dude's muscles in my face
and you freak out the second
I'm with somebody else. What do you want?
I don't know anymore.
I thought I wanted to be a fun,
non-monogamous boss bitch,
date you.
You do?
Yeah.
Okay. Let's do it.
Take your pants off.
I need you to take that other contact out.
You have your heated blanket,
your iPad,
and your sad, sad selection of snacks.
I forgot that I got raisins.
Tonight's gonna be lit.
What are you gonna do?
- Hang here with you.
- Solve for
if the value of k is four.
Thirteen?
Sorry that's wrong.
Jimin, how do you mess up
a simple differential equation?
Leighton, I think you wish
you were at that Hackathon.
Are you kidding me?
No, I have no interest
in spending time with those nerds.
But I think you might be a nerd.
- Excuse you.
- What's 715 divided by 62?
11.53.
Is that right?
I deleted the calculator app
on my phone and I can't get it back.
Look, I don't take math classes
because I'm some loser who loves numbers.
I do it because I am really good at it
and I enjoy being better at things
than everyone else.
Then go be good.
No, even if I wanted to,
I am not gonna leave you here tonight.
But I'm fine. You don't have
to worry about me. I swear.
Go.
Okay. Maybe I will just, like, pop in
for just a sec.
If anyone asks, I am
in whatever ocean is closest.
Okay.
I'm outtie. With Eric.
My boyfriend.
You got a boyfriend?
Yeah, I got a boy so hard
in the bathroom, I can barely walk.
- Horrible.
- This is a dirty frat house.
Go have fun with your man.
I'm gonna stay for a bit.
Okay.
Okay, so Canaan just texted
and he's on his way.
Hey! Finally.
Actually, I might head out, too.
Get something to eat before bed.
Hell, no. You are not about to flee
this party because Canaan is coming.
We just talked about this.
Oh, my God. That is not what this is.
I'm just tired. Y'all need to chill.
See you later.
And according to one study,
elderly friendships serve a purpose
far beyond enjoyment.
They're also saving lives.
That's fascinating.
How did your life change
after you met Barney.
Well, I hug more now.
I love to give hugs.
Oh, no. No, no, no.
Hey.
Hi.
Staying in tonight?
Are you okay?
Yeah. I just had a little
medical procedure done today,
and I'm not feeling well.
And now I'm locked out of my suite
and I left my phone in there.
Well, why don't we just go wait
in my room until your friends get home?
No, no, I'm fine.
Go have fun.
I'm not going to
leave you like this.
It's all good. Come on.
It was in the middle of the pandemic.
It wouldn't stop me from salsa dancing
with my friends.
You'd dance together
- over the Internet?
- Kimberly?
- We had the time of our lives.
- But a new obstacle developed.
Phillip's vision was failing.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What happened?
She got locked out
and wasn't feeling well.
And you just, like, took care of her?
- It's cool.
- It's all good.
I've actually had to nurse a lot of
sick lambs back to health at home,
but she's a better patient.
A lot to unpack there.
- Help me get her back to our room?
- Yeah, sure.
Kimberly, your roommate's here.
Wanna go back to bed?
Come on.
Monogamous sex just hits different.
- Bela, it's been one night.
- And yet, I am changed.
Hello, Whitney, there's actually something
I wanted to share with you.
I've been listening
to this illuminating podcast
on race relations in academia.
Oh. Look, Paul, I know you mean well
and congrats on doing the work,
but I don't want every conversation
we have together
to be about my blackness
and your whiteness.
That is not our thing.
I want our thing to be that you're my TA
and I'm your student,
and you just get my name right.
Can we do that, Paul?
And, oh, my God,
do not cry right now, okay?
I really don't want to have
to console you about this again.
That should not be my job.
Okay. Yeah.
- Are we good?
- So good.
Thank you.
Hey, Moriah, I'm Whitney.
Oh, I know.
We crushed it, Leighton.
We never would've
gotten second without you.
Yes, that's correct.
We'll get first next time.
"We"?
Okay, if I do this again,
I am 100% teaming up with the winners.
They've already asked to poach me.
Hello? Can you move?
I'm late for class and I'm trying to park.
Today. Go.
Hey, I have that same bag.
Sure, great.
Y-O-L-O that's all we know
You got to show me what you got
And we can start the show
You better turn it, turn it up
Like it's a radio it's yo song
She's so hot.