The Tick (1994) s02e05 Episode Script
Leonardo da Vinci and His Fightin' Genius Time Commandos!
[alarm buzzing.]
[sign buzzing.]
[ticking.]
Good afternoon, I'm Brian Pinhead, and these are the news.
Day four of the mad nanny crisis.
Officials have identified the so-called "Mad Nanny" as 54-year-old Meriam Brunch, an employee of the highly regarded Miss Muffet Babysitting Agency.
The City continues to be terrorized by this rampaging domestic, who destroyed Earl McBain's old-time toy and memorabilia shop.
Mr.
McBain was heard to ask, quote, "What kind of nanny'd do this?" unquote.
Ms.
Brunch, don't do this to yourself! I know there's a sensitive childcare professional in there somewhere! [police sirens.]
- Any sign of her, Arthur? - Not from here, Tick.
That nefarious nanny has managed to elude us so far, but she's as good as in our heroic grasp, because look what came in the mail today! It's the Fiend Finder tracking device.
I ordered it from the back of Leotard Legends Monthly.
Oh, I told you before, Tick.
Those things are a complete waste of Quiet, chum.
I'm trying to locate the proper frequency.
Tick, I think you have to stick this thing on here first.
- Like this.
- [beeping.]
Wait a minute.
You're saying we have to find the fiend before we can use the Fiend Finder? What a rip-off! [explosion.]
Tick, there she is! [Tick.]
Heavens, Arthur, she's headed for the diner.
Come on! [pop music plays.]
[electronic bleeps.]
Mad Nanny, if you harm a hair on this greasy spoon's head, you'll have The Tick to answer to! Hey! You can't do that to The Tick! Oh I I Lady, you just toasted the best BLT joint in the tri-state area.
Prepare to pick up the tab.
Whoa! Unhand me, tractor woman! Ouch! Ooh! [groaning.]
You're in a lot of trouble, lady.
Tick! Tick! [moaning.]
[police sirens.]
Check, please.
Ah, what happened? Help! Somebody help! The Tick's been kidnapped! [Tick.]
I want out! [groaning.]
Iron maiden, don't make me Naugahyde.
Hey! [groaning.]
This stuff really is tougher than leather.
Oh, for crying out loud.
So, at last, The Tick.
My archenemy sits helpless before me.
Archenemy? You must be joking, Charles.
I don't like you and everything, but if I ever do have an archenemy, it's not gonna be some creepy little brat with a glass head.
Yes, well, when I get done with you, you'll know what creepy is.
And then she just turned into a rocket and blasted off with him.
Oh, bad luck.
Well, I wish I could help, but I've got an appointment with my Cancel it.
We definitely should go get him.
Yeah, definitely.
Of course, don't know where to look.
Very bad.
Maybe we do.
Anyone got any double-A batteries? [Tick.]
Charles.
Charles, I thought we worked all this out.
Weren't you supposed to outgrow your evil ways? Ha! [groaning.]
Look, if you let me go right now, I might consider not telling your parents.
They're not here, Tick.
It's just you and me.
They think I'm a bad influence.
So as soon as they left, I turned my babysitter into a mindless cyborg engine of terror! [cackling.]
You know, Charles, sometimes when I'm feeling like a raving ding-dong, - I find a nice chamomile tea.
- Shut up! You know why I turned her into a cyborg engine of terror? Do you? Ouch! Was it a pathetic cry for help? Ha, ha, ha.
Wrong! I did it so I could lure you into my clutches.
So I could wreak my vengeance for the humiliation I suffered at your hands! They made me take dancing lessons.
You brought that on yourself, little mister! [groaning.]
Any last words? Charles, I suggest you give up this foolishness before it goes down on your permanent record! You know, you're almost as stupid as you look.
[high-pitched voice.]
What the? [Charles cackles.]
[Charles.]
How does it feel to be reduced to the size of my dad's third-place bowling trophy? Oh, a shrinking ray.
- Never seen that before.
- Oh, yeah? Well, have you seen this one? [groans.]
- [screams.]
- [car engine starts.]
[sighs.]
Of course, the Mausmobile comes loaded with options.
Electric windows, 8-track and cassette.
[bleeping.]
Now, we want to stay on a south by southeast heading.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, and this button over here inflates the pontoons.
Doesn't this thing go any faster? I've made better time in funeral processions.
Faster? Strap in, sweetie, this mouse is about to roar.
Hmm.
Let's see, what should I do next? - Return us to normal and let us go? - Yeah, yeah! Interesting idea, but no! Normal? Ha.
Who ever got anywhere by being normal? You should be thanking me for what I'm about to do.
[squawking.]
OK, Charles, nice touch.
I think you've made your point.
Not quite, Tick.
Now you're a tiny two-headed bluebird who can only speak high school French.
[cackling.]
[speaks French.]
Sorry.
This should only take a minute.
Pardon us if we don't wait.
Stop that car! There you go.
That'll be your special place from now on.
And if you're very good, I might even feed you.
[speaks French.]
You make me laugh.
I bet a lot of people would like a little pet bird like you.
- Hey, meet your new neighbors.
- [bugs chirping.]
This used to be my gym class, but I turned them into earwigs.
That one's Coach Fussell.
Climb the rope! Climb the rope! [speaks French.]
[whimpering.]
Ooh.
Aah.
Un bébé! - Hello.
- Salut.
[speak French.]
[Charles.]
What?! No, I don't understand.
Speak up.
- Yes, that's the address.
What? - [beeping.]
Listen, it's cash only, OK? Bidding starts at eight.
Bye.
[dialing phone.]
[phone ringing.]
- Yes? - [Charles.]
Mr.
Chippendale? Hi.
You don't know me, but I have something I think you'll be interested in.
I've got a fix on him.
He's nearby.
OK, citizen.
Let us off.
[high-pitched giggling.]
There was something suspicious about those guys.
What are you talking about? They were cool.
They laughed at all my jokes.
Come on, guys.
The signal seems to be coming from this way.
[beeping.]
[American Maid.]
Chairface Chippendale and Chrome Dome.
Ah, very bad, very bad.
And, look, the Idea Men.
Where do they keep getting those blimps? Wait a second, I recognize that house.
Come on! [people chattering.]
Marvelous, what sadism.
Well, I don't know.
When I was your age, kid, we didn't have all this high-tech hocus-pocus.
[coughing.]
See, if you were really evil, you'd just walk up to a guy and smack him in the head.
[clears throat.]
Hello.
[chattering continues.]
Gentlemen.
Gentlemen.
Gentlemen! [chattering stops.]
I just want to say that there's not one of you I didn't idolize in my infancy.
But now I have surpassed you all, by achieving what none of you could.
Gentlemen, I give you The Tick.
[Chairface.]
That's not The Tick, you imp.
[coughing.]
Yeah, Tick's not a bird he's a What do you call it, a man, right? I I think so.
[speaks French.]
[Chairface.]
He certainly doesn't speak French.
I'm blowin' this clam bake.
[commotion.]
Oh, so you don't believe me, huh? [rumbling.]
OK, everyone.
Watch the birdie.
You'll never get away with [speaks French.]
That's amazing.
The bidding begins in five minutes.
[all chattering, laughing.]
My chance, at last.
I've always wanted to own The Tick.
Not so fast, Chairface.
[chuckling.]
Unless you think you can compete with the national treasury of Pokoponesia.
Wow.
That must be the greatest agglomeration of evil ever assembled.
That little brat's going to sell The Tick to the highest bidder.
We've got to get in there and stop him! I wonder how much The Tick is worth in the open market.
- Field Mouse! - Definitely need a plan.
- Yeah, definitely planless.
- [Arthur.]
Hmm.
It just might work.
What do you think? Ooh, I'm terrified.
I can't believe you expect us to pass ourselves off as supervillains.
I mean, I, of course, am a master of disguise, but he, on the other hand, looks like a dink.
Aw, what's going on? Definitely got a bucket on my head.
It's our only chance, Die Fledermaus.
You two have got to get in there and stall them for as long as you can.
- You got it? - Yeah, of course.
No problem.
[sighs.]
Just let me do the talking.
Who are you? I am The Rake and this is Buckethead.
Buckethead, yeah, that's me.
I never heard of you.
Oh, well, we're from Ohio.
Well, OK.
As long as you brought your wallets.
Buckethead, Buckethead Yeah, I knew a Sockethead once, back in Muncie.
- Any relation? - Oh, no.
Definitely not.
We're all buckets.
Definitely buckets in my family.
[clears throat.]
Now, who will begin the bidding? I bid $16.
Gentlemen, please.
We're talking about The Tick, The City's premiere superhero.
It's not like I'm trying to unload Die Fledermaus here.
[chuckling.]
Unload Die Fledermaus.
Very funny.
Seventeen dollars.
No, no.
We can't just rescue The Tick.
We need to get that device to change him back.
Good point.
I'll sneak in, hook the line to the device, and you'll fly it out with the blimp.
That's your plan? Yeah.
Then in the commotion, you grab The Tick.
- One million dollars.
- One point five.
One point nine million dollars! - Two million dollars.
- And 24 cents.
Two million and [coughing.]
twenty-five cents.
- Twenty-six cents.
- Twenty-seven.
- [man.]
Twenty-eight.
- [Pineapple Pokopo.]
Twenty-nine.
Two million dollars and four dollars.
[all gasping.]
Oh.
Good.
Oh bad.
[Chairface.]
Three million four.
[grunts.]
[Pineapple Pokopo.]
A lot of pineapples.
Gotta know when to fold 'em.
Too rich for my blood.
Ten million dollars and four dollars.
Sold to the man with a rake on his head.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Whoa! - Arthur! - Sorry.
I'm sorry! OK.
Here's the four dollars, and I have to give you the rest on an IOU.
What?! You don't have it? [all grumbling.]
- Deadbeat! - How gauche.
Yahhh! [commotion.]
Come on! Thanks, chum! Give me that.
[gasps.]
Where am I? Your fun is finished, vicious little dweeb.
I don't think so.
[whistles.]
[growling.]
You remember Skippy? Well, guess what.
I had him fixed! [cackling.]
[grunting.]
Hey! [Meriam.]
Now, that's enough of that.
Bad dog! - [Skippy snarling.]
- [Meriam screams.]
I wonder if Charles missed us at all.
Oh, great.
My parents.
[all chattering.]
Better get out of here.
[tires screeching.]
Charles? I believe your boy has a lot of explaining to do.
Indeed, he does.
Now I know what all those notes from school have been about.
You're not really misunderstood at all, are you, Charles? Well no.
I'm sorry, Mom, but I'm gonna have to deliver this monster to the proper authorities.
And not for dancing lessons.
[blows whistle.]
Ha! That's the worst babysitting job I've ever had.
I'm sorry for all your trouble, ma'am.
Now, what do we owe you? Well, evil has been rousted and the babysitter's been paid.
Come, heroes, our work here is done.
You know, even though today was the worst day of my life, I learned many things.
First, the world looks a lot different when you're six inches tall and covered with feathers.
Second, two heads are definitely not better than one.
And, finally, you can lay an egg and still feel like a man! Oh, no.
My baby! Ooh! Chocolate.
Anybody want some? - Oh, no - Tick, don't be disgusting.
[sign buzzing.]
[ticking.]
Good afternoon, I'm Brian Pinhead, and these are the news.
Day four of the mad nanny crisis.
Officials have identified the so-called "Mad Nanny" as 54-year-old Meriam Brunch, an employee of the highly regarded Miss Muffet Babysitting Agency.
The City continues to be terrorized by this rampaging domestic, who destroyed Earl McBain's old-time toy and memorabilia shop.
Mr.
McBain was heard to ask, quote, "What kind of nanny'd do this?" unquote.
Ms.
Brunch, don't do this to yourself! I know there's a sensitive childcare professional in there somewhere! [police sirens.]
- Any sign of her, Arthur? - Not from here, Tick.
That nefarious nanny has managed to elude us so far, but she's as good as in our heroic grasp, because look what came in the mail today! It's the Fiend Finder tracking device.
I ordered it from the back of Leotard Legends Monthly.
Oh, I told you before, Tick.
Those things are a complete waste of Quiet, chum.
I'm trying to locate the proper frequency.
Tick, I think you have to stick this thing on here first.
- Like this.
- [beeping.]
Wait a minute.
You're saying we have to find the fiend before we can use the Fiend Finder? What a rip-off! [explosion.]
Tick, there she is! [Tick.]
Heavens, Arthur, she's headed for the diner.
Come on! [pop music plays.]
[electronic bleeps.]
Mad Nanny, if you harm a hair on this greasy spoon's head, you'll have The Tick to answer to! Hey! You can't do that to The Tick! Oh I I Lady, you just toasted the best BLT joint in the tri-state area.
Prepare to pick up the tab.
Whoa! Unhand me, tractor woman! Ouch! Ooh! [groaning.]
You're in a lot of trouble, lady.
Tick! Tick! [moaning.]
[police sirens.]
Check, please.
Ah, what happened? Help! Somebody help! The Tick's been kidnapped! [Tick.]
I want out! [groaning.]
Iron maiden, don't make me Naugahyde.
Hey! [groaning.]
This stuff really is tougher than leather.
Oh, for crying out loud.
So, at last, The Tick.
My archenemy sits helpless before me.
Archenemy? You must be joking, Charles.
I don't like you and everything, but if I ever do have an archenemy, it's not gonna be some creepy little brat with a glass head.
Yes, well, when I get done with you, you'll know what creepy is.
And then she just turned into a rocket and blasted off with him.
Oh, bad luck.
Well, I wish I could help, but I've got an appointment with my Cancel it.
We definitely should go get him.
Yeah, definitely.
Of course, don't know where to look.
Very bad.
Maybe we do.
Anyone got any double-A batteries? [Tick.]
Charles.
Charles, I thought we worked all this out.
Weren't you supposed to outgrow your evil ways? Ha! [groaning.]
Look, if you let me go right now, I might consider not telling your parents.
They're not here, Tick.
It's just you and me.
They think I'm a bad influence.
So as soon as they left, I turned my babysitter into a mindless cyborg engine of terror! [cackling.]
You know, Charles, sometimes when I'm feeling like a raving ding-dong, - I find a nice chamomile tea.
- Shut up! You know why I turned her into a cyborg engine of terror? Do you? Ouch! Was it a pathetic cry for help? Ha, ha, ha.
Wrong! I did it so I could lure you into my clutches.
So I could wreak my vengeance for the humiliation I suffered at your hands! They made me take dancing lessons.
You brought that on yourself, little mister! [groaning.]
Any last words? Charles, I suggest you give up this foolishness before it goes down on your permanent record! You know, you're almost as stupid as you look.
[high-pitched voice.]
What the? [Charles cackles.]
[Charles.]
How does it feel to be reduced to the size of my dad's third-place bowling trophy? Oh, a shrinking ray.
- Never seen that before.
- Oh, yeah? Well, have you seen this one? [groans.]
- [screams.]
- [car engine starts.]
[sighs.]
Of course, the Mausmobile comes loaded with options.
Electric windows, 8-track and cassette.
[bleeping.]
Now, we want to stay on a south by southeast heading.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, and this button over here inflates the pontoons.
Doesn't this thing go any faster? I've made better time in funeral processions.
Faster? Strap in, sweetie, this mouse is about to roar.
Hmm.
Let's see, what should I do next? - Return us to normal and let us go? - Yeah, yeah! Interesting idea, but no! Normal? Ha.
Who ever got anywhere by being normal? You should be thanking me for what I'm about to do.
[squawking.]
OK, Charles, nice touch.
I think you've made your point.
Not quite, Tick.
Now you're a tiny two-headed bluebird who can only speak high school French.
[cackling.]
[speaks French.]
Sorry.
This should only take a minute.
Pardon us if we don't wait.
Stop that car! There you go.
That'll be your special place from now on.
And if you're very good, I might even feed you.
[speaks French.]
You make me laugh.
I bet a lot of people would like a little pet bird like you.
- Hey, meet your new neighbors.
- [bugs chirping.]
This used to be my gym class, but I turned them into earwigs.
That one's Coach Fussell.
Climb the rope! Climb the rope! [speaks French.]
[whimpering.]
Ooh.
Aah.
Un bébé! - Hello.
- Salut.
[speak French.]
[Charles.]
What?! No, I don't understand.
Speak up.
- Yes, that's the address.
What? - [beeping.]
Listen, it's cash only, OK? Bidding starts at eight.
Bye.
[dialing phone.]
[phone ringing.]
- Yes? - [Charles.]
Mr.
Chippendale? Hi.
You don't know me, but I have something I think you'll be interested in.
I've got a fix on him.
He's nearby.
OK, citizen.
Let us off.
[high-pitched giggling.]
There was something suspicious about those guys.
What are you talking about? They were cool.
They laughed at all my jokes.
Come on, guys.
The signal seems to be coming from this way.
[beeping.]
[American Maid.]
Chairface Chippendale and Chrome Dome.
Ah, very bad, very bad.
And, look, the Idea Men.
Where do they keep getting those blimps? Wait a second, I recognize that house.
Come on! [people chattering.]
Marvelous, what sadism.
Well, I don't know.
When I was your age, kid, we didn't have all this high-tech hocus-pocus.
[coughing.]
See, if you were really evil, you'd just walk up to a guy and smack him in the head.
[clears throat.]
Hello.
[chattering continues.]
Gentlemen.
Gentlemen.
Gentlemen! [chattering stops.]
I just want to say that there's not one of you I didn't idolize in my infancy.
But now I have surpassed you all, by achieving what none of you could.
Gentlemen, I give you The Tick.
[Chairface.]
That's not The Tick, you imp.
[coughing.]
Yeah, Tick's not a bird he's a What do you call it, a man, right? I I think so.
[speaks French.]
[Chairface.]
He certainly doesn't speak French.
I'm blowin' this clam bake.
[commotion.]
Oh, so you don't believe me, huh? [rumbling.]
OK, everyone.
Watch the birdie.
You'll never get away with [speaks French.]
That's amazing.
The bidding begins in five minutes.
[all chattering, laughing.]
My chance, at last.
I've always wanted to own The Tick.
Not so fast, Chairface.
[chuckling.]
Unless you think you can compete with the national treasury of Pokoponesia.
Wow.
That must be the greatest agglomeration of evil ever assembled.
That little brat's going to sell The Tick to the highest bidder.
We've got to get in there and stop him! I wonder how much The Tick is worth in the open market.
- Field Mouse! - Definitely need a plan.
- Yeah, definitely planless.
- [Arthur.]
Hmm.
It just might work.
What do you think? Ooh, I'm terrified.
I can't believe you expect us to pass ourselves off as supervillains.
I mean, I, of course, am a master of disguise, but he, on the other hand, looks like a dink.
Aw, what's going on? Definitely got a bucket on my head.
It's our only chance, Die Fledermaus.
You two have got to get in there and stall them for as long as you can.
- You got it? - Yeah, of course.
No problem.
[sighs.]
Just let me do the talking.
Who are you? I am The Rake and this is Buckethead.
Buckethead, yeah, that's me.
I never heard of you.
Oh, well, we're from Ohio.
Well, OK.
As long as you brought your wallets.
Buckethead, Buckethead Yeah, I knew a Sockethead once, back in Muncie.
- Any relation? - Oh, no.
Definitely not.
We're all buckets.
Definitely buckets in my family.
[clears throat.]
Now, who will begin the bidding? I bid $16.
Gentlemen, please.
We're talking about The Tick, The City's premiere superhero.
It's not like I'm trying to unload Die Fledermaus here.
[chuckling.]
Unload Die Fledermaus.
Very funny.
Seventeen dollars.
No, no.
We can't just rescue The Tick.
We need to get that device to change him back.
Good point.
I'll sneak in, hook the line to the device, and you'll fly it out with the blimp.
That's your plan? Yeah.
Then in the commotion, you grab The Tick.
- One million dollars.
- One point five.
One point nine million dollars! - Two million dollars.
- And 24 cents.
Two million and [coughing.]
twenty-five cents.
- Twenty-six cents.
- Twenty-seven.
- [man.]
Twenty-eight.
- [Pineapple Pokopo.]
Twenty-nine.
Two million dollars and four dollars.
[all gasping.]
Oh.
Good.
Oh bad.
[Chairface.]
Three million four.
[grunts.]
[Pineapple Pokopo.]
A lot of pineapples.
Gotta know when to fold 'em.
Too rich for my blood.
Ten million dollars and four dollars.
Sold to the man with a rake on his head.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Whoa! - Arthur! - Sorry.
I'm sorry! OK.
Here's the four dollars, and I have to give you the rest on an IOU.
What?! You don't have it? [all grumbling.]
- Deadbeat! - How gauche.
Yahhh! [commotion.]
Come on! Thanks, chum! Give me that.
[gasps.]
Where am I? Your fun is finished, vicious little dweeb.
I don't think so.
[whistles.]
[growling.]
You remember Skippy? Well, guess what.
I had him fixed! [cackling.]
[grunting.]
Hey! [Meriam.]
Now, that's enough of that.
Bad dog! - [Skippy snarling.]
- [Meriam screams.]
I wonder if Charles missed us at all.
Oh, great.
My parents.
[all chattering.]
Better get out of here.
[tires screeching.]
Charles? I believe your boy has a lot of explaining to do.
Indeed, he does.
Now I know what all those notes from school have been about.
You're not really misunderstood at all, are you, Charles? Well no.
I'm sorry, Mom, but I'm gonna have to deliver this monster to the proper authorities.
And not for dancing lessons.
[blows whistle.]
Ha! That's the worst babysitting job I've ever had.
I'm sorry for all your trouble, ma'am.
Now, what do we owe you? Well, evil has been rousted and the babysitter's been paid.
Come, heroes, our work here is done.
You know, even though today was the worst day of my life, I learned many things.
First, the world looks a lot different when you're six inches tall and covered with feathers.
Second, two heads are definitely not better than one.
And, finally, you can lay an egg and still feel like a man! Oh, no.
My baby! Ooh! Chocolate.
Anybody want some? - Oh, no - Tick, don't be disgusting.