The Trip (2010) s02e05 Episode Script

1 Hello? 'Steve? It's Rob.
' Oh, hey, hey.
'How's the show going?' Just finished, just started the hiatus.
'Yeah, I know I spoke to your agent.
Listen, The Observer wants us 'to do more restaurant reviews, 'another six lunches.
' Really? 'But this time in Italy.
'La bella Italia, yeah? 'What do you think?' Well 'And they'll fly you to Europe.
' First class? 'No, they're offering business.
' So, how did it go last night with Yolanda? Good, mission accomplished.
Everyone's happy at Houston Ground Control.
Small panic when I disappeared around the dark side of moon.
Oh! I lost communication, but both of us achieved a very satisfactory splashdown and, at which point, Houston broke into a round of applause.
When Vesuvius erupted, it just went - BANG! And a cacophonous bang.
They would've seen a plume of smoke, just - BOOM! Right from back there, boom, and a cloud going up into the sky.
30,000 Hiroshima bombs, 200 megatons, imagine that loud a sound.
This whole city's preserved in formaldehyde that's artificial.
That's so remarkable.
It's like a photograph of the past.
It's a sculpture of the past.
Well, yeah, a sculpture as an impression, a photograph, that's reality.
Yeah, but a sculpture is 3-D.
A photograph is 2-D.
Yeah.
Yeah, yes.
Yeah, yeah, all right.
Yeah, these people just got caught frozen in their death throes.
Look at his sandal.
Wow! They're like yours.
They are, aren't they? Yeah, they are.
It shows you that, even 2,000 years ago, there were people with bad dress sense.
For me, the big question is, how did he get in the box? Was he an illusionist? Was he a sort of David Blaine of his day? But it is incredible, cos look, he's gone in, he's sealed it.
He's like that guy they found in the holdall in the bath.
It's a small man in the box.
"Here I am.
Oh, my word, how did I get in here? "I can see the volcano erupting "and I am petrified.
" The thing is he was real.
This is a real man who died.
I wonder if anyone cried for him.
I wonder if anyone who escaped loved him and cried about him.
"We didn't get on.
" "It seems like he's a little oversensitive to me.
" I agree.
"Are you knocking about with him?" Yeah, we're just travelling round Italy.
"Oh, my God, it must be a nightmare for you.
" It really is.
In many ways, I envy you.
You're inside the box.
I mean, at least for you, it's muffled.
"Yeah, I'm just picking up the odd word, to be honest with you, "but, you know, in all honestly, I'm kind of glad I died when I did "and I never got the chance to meet the guy.
" I know, I know.
If I could climb in there with you, I would.
Anyway, it's been really good to talk.
"Yeah, you too, fella.
" What's that? "I just said I love your sandals.
" Thank you.
Thank you very much.
I like yours too.
Take it easy.
When Vesuvius erupted Oh, it was a bang.
Ooh, it went, ooh! Oh, it was a bang.
No, no, no.
No, no, shut your face.
No, I haven't heard a bang as loud as that since Oh, no, shut up, so titter you not.
No, but it went bang, you see, and it all just That was good, the "you see" you put in.
Yes.
No.
You see There was this big bang, you see.
All this lava going down the road.
Oh, no! Jeez, jeez all over.
Oh, yes, it just, it swamped, and then the ash came down like a blanket of death.
Oh, a blanket of death.
Did you see the way I did that? Oh! And it was out of Shakespeare, was it? Oh, I was rather good there, wasn't I? Just shut up, you.
Oh, it's amazing, isn't it, to think that 2,000 years ago, people just assembled here to watch Frankie Howerd? We're a bit late, sorry.
Sorry.
Hello.
Think we're in row nine, sorry.
Spartacus, the film, they re-cut it in 1990, the director's cut, and put back in a homoerotic scene that had been excised from the original version.
And it's between Tony Curtis and Laurence Olivier, but they couldn't find the sound.
And Laurence Olivier was dead, so they asked Joan Plowright and she said, "Get Anthony Hopkins.
" He always did the best Tony Hopkins.
.
.
best Laurence Olivier.
Do you like snails? Or oysters? Oh, that's how I do him.
I do him like that.
That's how he sounded.
That's how I remember him.
I used to work with him in the National Theatre.
I auditioned for him.
He said, "What have we got here?" Well, erm Of course, I'd grown up in Margam, Port Talbot, just down the same road as Rob Brydon's father.
Wonderful man.
And yet, you've never met him, which is odd I've met my father.
What are you talking about? You've never met Anthony Hopkins, it's odd I never met him.
.
.
there's only a few of you from Wales and you haven't him.
Isn't that weird, you do him all the time, but you haven't met him? Twice I've met him.
Once, at a charity do, the other time, in a talk show.
He went, "Go on, do me.
Do me.
" And I went, "Come back here, Mr Fryer! Come back here, Mr Fryer! "Goddamn your eyes, sir! You turned your back on me.
" And he went, "Ha!" Like that.
He is aware of me.
He's aware of you, but he's been trying to avoid you.
He's aware of me because I did a play last year with Sir Ken Branagh.
He'd sent to Ken an e-mail and he said, "Do say hello to Rob for me," because he'd seen me on a talk show doing him.
He said, "Tell him he does me very well.
"He makes me sound like a lunatic, but in a good way.
" He said, "And tell him he does a very good Ronnie Corbett.
" What do you think about that then? It's great, but you've still not met him.
No, but he mentioned me in an e-mail.
I've met him twice, and I'm not even Welsh.
And I'm not even Welsh.
Yes, but he hasn't taken the trouble to write about you.
Anybody can run into someone.
You talk a lot, he's probably humouring you.
But with me, he sat down, he wrote a bloody e-mail.
He's written about me.
How does that make you feel? I had dinner with him.
Yeah, but he's written about me.
I had dinner with him.
"Tell Rob he does a wonderful impression.
He makes me sound "like a lunatic, AND I love his Ronnie Corbett.
" Yep, you're giving it an emphasis in a very pretty accurate voice, I have to say, that you're doing Thank you very much.
.
.
but the emphasis you're giving is way out of proportion to what he did.
He passed on a Post-It note, basically.
Just imagine Tony now is living in Malibu, California.
Wonderful life.
"I'm enjoying it here.
I can wear a T-shirt.
It's wonderful.
"What am I going to do today? I want to write about "how I feel about Rob Brydon.
"He's a wonderful actor.
I'm going to sit down.
" He sat down at his desk.
He took out his laptop computer.
It's a remarkable thing.
It's like a desktop, but you can fold the lid.
He opened it up, he sat down.
He probably browsed the internet for a while first.
We won't say what he was looking at.
And then he said, "I'm going to write to my good friend, Sir Kenneth Branagh.
"I'll write about Rob Brydon cos I think he's wonderful.
I'll write about him now! "Ken, when you see Rob, tell him I thought he was wonderful.
" I've zoned out, mate, I've zoned out.
And then, send.
BOOM! Into the internet, into cyberspace.
Eventually, it comes to me.
Do you know where I am right now? I'm in Pompeii trying to think what it was actually like to be here.
Is there a view for Marie Claire? We head instead to the green tip of the peninsula to the Relais Blu Belvedere, a beautiful, modernist, boutique hotel tucked away high above the sea.
The marvellous terrace for summer service has a superb view of Capri.
Dishes with the flavours of Campania enhanced with skill and inventiveness.
# Was on the isle of Capri that he found her Beneath the shade of the old walnut tree.
Two butch men in the foreground, Capri in the background, it could be an episode of The Professionals.
Good afternoon.
The table you booked is ready, OK? Grazie, grazie.
Please, may I? Grazie.
Now, this, to me, is more like The Persuaders.
This way, please.
Grazie, Lord Brett Sinclair and Daniel Wilde.
Yes.
Your Lordship.
Serving amuse-bouche.
Welcome from our chef, some bread with creme of cheese, a local cheese, and tartar of fresh salmon.
OK? Grazie mille.
Grazie mille.
First, amuse-bouche of the adventure.
Our bread.
Grazie.
Yes.
First amuse-bouche.
Medium, salty butter.
Thank you, thank you.
My bouche has not been amused.
So far on this trip, yeah? No, it hasn't been.
It hasn't been.
And please don't think of that as a reflection on yourself.
It's neither been amused nor closed.
Mmm.
That's nice.
That's nice.
The bell tolls for thee.
For Whom The Bell Tolls.
One of the last hits for The Bee Gees before the dying began.
When Eight Bells Toll, a novel by Alistair MacLean.
MacLean.
Turned into a film starring who? Roger Moore.
Oh, that's where you're most definitely wrong.
Richard Harris.
No.
Sean Connery.
I'm surprised you being a, if you'll forgive the affectionate over familiarity, a Taff.
Was it Jason Donovan? He's not Welsh.
No, it was a wild card.
Anthony Hopkins.
Was it Hopkins? Anthony Hopkins playing a secret agent.
Very young.
He was about sort of, I'd say, like mid '30s.
When he was young, he was quite an earnest actor, really, wasn't he, Anthony Hopkins? He was a younger actor.
Piercing blue eyes.
Piercing blue eyes.
That's the greatest gift for any actor, sparkling blue eyes.
I know, I know.
Well, I've just said it.
And it makes me angry.
I've got brown eyes.
Yes.
I've noticed that they're beguiling, but they're not enchanting.
No, they're not beguiling.
They're not enchanting.
They're OK.
They're muddy.
George Clooney, not got blue eyes.
Yeah, but he's gorgeous, isn't he? Yeah, I'll tell you what he is, a lot of actors aren't, he's a man.
Cos all the other actors all look like they're sort of old teenagers.
We're men.
We're men.
We're men.
You and I are men.
We are.
We're not boys.
If anything, I'm a grandfather.
I could play a very kindly grandfather, affable, but with a secret.
"We've not seen grandma since 1996.
Where is she?" "Well, she died.
I remember I told you.
Very, very sad.
"Don't go down to the cellar.
" And they get down there.
"That wall, didn't that wall used to be a bit further out?" "No need for you to look.
" "Grandad?" Aaah! That's the kind of role I'd like to do.
You'd like to play a murdering grandad? Yes, never been done.
We are serving our lobster with ravioli on celery and melon.
Your salad, sir, named summer.
Ah, well.
I've won.
Yes, you have won.
Ha-ha! Come on, come on.
Oh, quite sensual.
You notice your lips made no contact with the fork.
Yeah, didn't want the lips to make contact with the fork, cos I might get a Brydon disease.
Tavola 33! Serving linguini pasta for you, sir, with bluefish and fresh tomato.
Grazie.
For you, sir, is home-made ravioli with rockfish and pepper.
Grazie mille.
Oh, my God.
Not good? That's fantastic.
Very, very nice.
You know what would make this perfect now? Michael Buble.
Bit of Buble.
Do you like Buble? Where do you stand on Michael Buble? His windpipe.
You don't mean that.
Parkinson loves him.
Michael Buble.
Michael Buble.
Michael Buble.
Michael Buble.
Real music.
Real music.
Ah, wonderful.
My guest today is Steve Coogan.
Steve, I mean, you're in comedy.
I mean, for you, character and comedian, maybe, you know, your roots in the north, I suppose for you Peter Kay would be the benchmark.
I wouldn't call him the benchmark.
I'd say Sacha Baron Cohen would be another one, I suppose.
I mean, Sacha, I had him on the show.
He's a strange man.
He's a curious man.
He is a little, yeah.
Do you watch him and do you take inspiration from Sacha Baren Cohen? I think we all take inspiration from each other when you're at a certain level.
I suppose the benchmark is Gervais.
I mean, The Office and Extras, Life Is Short.
I mean, all of these programmes.
Life Is Short maybe some people didn't think was so good, but that's by the by.
But he was the first man to put a dwarf on mainstream television.
It was quite an achievement, wasn't it? Yeah, well, if you look at it that way but, you know I love Simon Pegg.
I mean, I watch him in the Star Trek films, you know.
Yeah, I haven't seen them, but I'm told they're very good and, as I said, I'm delighted for his success.
Cos he worked with Tom Cruise as he does in Mission: Impossible.
I mean, imagine working with Tom Cruise! I have worked with Tom Cruise.
I worked on Tropic Thunder.
You died in the first ten minutes.
You died in the first ten I definitely died, yes.
I died in the first ten minutes.
I felt you died in the first five minutes, in all honesty, but that's just my view.
We'll come back to Steve.
Here's Michael Buble, with a new record.
When we think about you, we think about the '90s, don't we? Yeah.
What? We think about the '90s.
What a wonderful period that was! We think Oasis, Blur, you smacked off your tits in a central London hotel trying to get your life together, but you've turned it around now, haven't you? Tell us about your recovery.
Well, I'd rather not, I'd rather talk about my new film.
Cos you are still acting.
I want that to come across for the viewers.
I want them to know.
Yeah, I've done a lot of things.
I've done some brand-new sort of Always lovely to catch up with Steve Coogan.
Michael Buble has a new record and it's about to come out.
It's called Christmas Is A Special Time For Me And It's A Special Time For You.
He's going to sing a track from it now, called Holly Leaves And Christmas Trees.
Michael Buble.
Steve, please, for fuck's sake, don't talk over me.
Is that all right, Steve? I'm sorry I didn't get to mention the fitness video too, you know.
They're pretty tight these days with that sort of thing.
Right, we're going on with our sea bass.
It's our catch of the day, with zucchini flowers and salad of peas and peach.
Grazie mille.
Grazie mille.
Que belle res He's gone.
Grazie.
He's gone.
I was going to say, "Que belle restaurante, complimenti.
" Too late.
Que belle restaurante, complimenti.
Do you like the zucchini flowers? Yes.
Oh, they're great.
Lovely.
Is my hair thinning or is that the beginnings? And just tell me the truth.
Can I just say, there's no need for you to lean forward.
Yes, it's starting to go.
I've not said anything cos I know how insecure you are.
And it's not just to wind me up? No, no, it's beginning to go.
Really? How far it'll go? I don't know.
I mean, all men naturally do that, don't they? Yeah.
You've got to ask yourself a question now.
Am I going to sit by idly while Rome burns, fiddling, or am I going to find a fire hydrant and get to the source of the blaze? For you? Oh, buono.
And all food good? Buono, grazie.
Thank you very much.
Grazie.
Yeah, what is bene? "Bene" is I'm good, "buono" is it was good.
What, "buono"? Buono or The Edge, either.
Buono, grazie, grazie mille.
Or The Edge, The Edge.
Maybe I can serve you some coffee? Si, grazie, grazie.
Can I serve you on the table or like to move on the terrace probably? Ah, sounds lovely.
Shall we move to the terrace? Yeah.
Great.
Grazie.
This way.
Oh, that's lovely coffee, that.
You know what that's meant to be? What? I don't know.
It looks nice.
I think it looks like it's got a vanilla slice, don't it? Mini one.
That's fantastic! That is fantastic! That's incredible.
Why did they give us three? They want us to have a fight.
And we welcome back our returning champion from Pedantry, in the north of England, it's young Steve Coogan.
Steve, welcome back to the show.
Yeah, yeah.
Go on.
Here's the question.
What is today's bill? Is it A, 177 Euro? Is it B, 183 Euro? Or is it C, 160 Euro? The most expensive one, 183.
I'm sorry, you're wrong.
It was the most reasonable one, 177 euro.
Well, you're going home, but give our love to everybody in Pedantry.
Young Steve Coogan, everybody.
Just wave.
OK.
Give my love to everyone in the nonspecific area of Ireland that you're from.
Time now for some music.
We're going to listen now to Alanis Morissette.
Port Master coming up in a moment.
And Lynn with the travel, all that still to come, 88 and 91 FM.
I opened your door without ringing your bell.
Very polite.
# Walked down the hall Into your room.
What mine? Where I could smell you and I Bit loud.
.
.
shouldn't be here Well, that's true.
# .
.
without permission # Shouldn't be here.
# Would you forgive me, love If I danced in your shower? Weird.
Would you forgive me, love Why are you round at my house rooting through stuff? # Would you forgive me, love If I stay all afternoon? Oh, do you basically want to borrow my flat? Is that what you're saying? Hello.
I am Lorenzo.
Nice to meet you.
Welcome to Ravello.
Buongiorno.
Hi, Mr Coogan.
We walk to Villa Cimbrone.
Walk? Walk? Yeah.
How far is it? Five minutes.
Five minutes, OK.
Great.
Should have really asked him for his ID.
I mean, we're trusting him, basically, on the strength of a polo shirt with a logo on it.
Seemed very nice though.
I think steps are better than a slope.
A slope, I think, is better for your leg muscles.
I'll try the slope.
See? It's nice, isn't it? It's smooth.
It's just different.
It's delightful.
This is the Camelia suite.
Right, OK.
Prego.
Oh, wow! I'll have this one.
This is a very nice room.
Please, have a look outside as well.
Oh, boy.
Prego.
This is the Greta Garbo suite.
Greta Garbo? Yeah, she also stayed here.
Wow.
Here is the view.
There you go.
Check it out.
Look at my view.
It's big.
I like it.
I can see the sea.
Oh, yeah.
I'm relaxing.
I'm relaxing in Italy.
Well, you know what Byron said .
.
about Don Juan? Could anyone have written it who has not lived? 'Hi, Rob?' It's Donna.
I've got some good news.
You've got the part.
Seriously? Yeah, seriously.
They loved you.
They loved your audition.
Right.
Wow.
They want you in LA week after next for a costume fitting.
And how long is the shoot? Eight weeks.
Eight weeks? 'I know! It's great news, isn't it?' God, right.
Um The film starts filming in three weeks.
I'm in the Greta Garbo room.
Are you? Yes.
Really? Yeah.
Oh, wow! Look at that.
This is called the Terrace of Infinity.
John Huston filmed a scene here for Beat The Devil with Humphrey Bogart.
They all stayed here - Bogart, Huston and Gina Lollobrigida.
Wow.
Gosh.
Incredible.
And now, Rob Brydon and Steve Coogan.
Yeah, right.
Yeah, sure.
Yah.
Well, thank you very much.
Thank you to you, enjoy your evening.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Bye.
Whoa, God.
Wow.
It'd be great to go back in time to the 1950s.
Oh, God! 1958.
Go back in time and just come up here with Gina Lollobrigida just snog her.
This is as good as it gets.
It's a lovely little, erm Oh! Nice? You know what that is? Very nice.
You know what it is? Sweet.
It's a kumquat.
Come, come, Mr Bond, you derive just as much pleasure from saying kumquat as I do.
Kumquat as I do.
Kum quat, it's time for us to go.
Quat! Quat, come! Quat, come! Kumquat.
One of the most erotic experiences in my life was seeing a quat come right in front of my eyes.
Oh, please.
God, you've not lived till you've seen a quat come right in front of you in a bar in Vietnam.
Mmm! My God, when that quat came Ah Grazie.
Bogart, when he made Beat The Devil, you won't know this, had an accident during the filming.
Did you know this? This is news to me.
Why the hell didn't you tell me? I came as quick as I could.
Humphrey Bogart's had an accident.
No, he had a car crash and he knocked some teeth out.
So when he was talking, couldn't actually hear what I was saying.
Of all the bars in all the towns, you had to come into mine.
Of all the bars Kinda relaxed kinda guy.
Just relax.
You believe he's living it.
You don't believe he's acting.
I imagine his arms are always at his side.
Oh, hey.
He acts as though he knows something nobody else knows, yeah? Yeah.
Oh, yes.
You know that? Yeah, no, yeah.
That's what I do.
No, sorry, I do the opposite.
I act like everybody else knows something I don't know.
Right.
That's me.
Now, Humphrey Bogart Keep track.
.
.
yeah, he couldn't talk.
Now, nowadays, you get an Oscar for that.
Absolutely, yeah.
OK, but in those days, no.
So, what do they do? OK, I'll tell you.
No, I'll tell you.
They had to dub him.
Who dubbed him? Steve Coogan, two points, who dubbed Humphrey Bogart in Beat The Devil? George Raft.
Wrong.
Peter Sellers.
Oh, really? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I suppose it makes sense, doesn't it? I mean Hopkins dubbing Olivier in Spartacus and it makes sense that he would have used an impersonator.
Imagine Truman Capote sitting here, can't you? Can you do him? I could have a stab at Philip Seymour Hoffman or Toby Jones doing it, but I couldn't really, you know.
No, not really.
I think I either do it well or don't bother.
Better not to try then.
Yeah, exactly.
Gore Vidal said about Truman Capote that, "He turned lying into an art form "a minor art form.
" Yes, I also said of Truman that dying for him was a great career move.
Oh! But did he purse his lips at the end and go like that? Well, the thing with Gore Vidal.
Gore spoke as though he had worked out the secret of life and he also said, "It is not enough for me to succeed, my friends must fail.
" You know Byron was a bit like Gore Vidal because How so? .
.
because they were both in exile in Italy.
True.
Self-imposed exile, cultural exile, because the way they thought and lived was totally at odds with the zeitgeist of their respective countries.
You know what he said? When Byron came to Italy, you know what he said? He said, "I will not give way to all the Cant of Christendom.
" He said, "I have been cloyed with applause and sickened with abuse.
" Well, one of those must ring bells with present company.
I refer to the abuse.
Yeah, I know, but I've been cloyed with applause.
So have I.
Yeah, well, I've been cloyed more than I've been abused.
And so have I.
Well, yeah, well, there you go.
All right.
So, we're both happy.
Mind you, if you've got to be exiled anywhere, I'd like to be exiled here.
I could see out my days here quite happily.
Yeah, well, you'd be able to finally, you know, come out.
What a relief that would be.
Oh, it'd be such a weight off your shoulders.
Yeah, yeah.
Finally say to people ".
.
happily living with Steve in our villa overlooking the coast.
"Finally, we can be ourselves.
" Can you wiggle both eyebrows? Of course I can, elementary.
Go on.
Yeah, he looked at me like I couldn't do it.
You looked me Course I can do the same.
Just no great achievement.
You either can or you can't.
Can you wiggle your ears independently? Let's see what you can do first and I'll answer.
Tonight, on the South Bank Show, Steve Coogan and his new art installation, Ears On The Move.
We ask him why and how.
'Hello?' Buonasera, how are you? 'Hi, how's it going?' It's good.
We are in such a beautiful place.
'Lucky you, it's horrible here.
' Is it? Oh, sorry.
'I've just got so much work to do.
It's chaos.
' OK, well, let me lift your spirits with a little news bulletin.
Courtesy of our friend, Dustin, I have some terrific news to tell you, and the news is that 'Rob, sorry, I'm just in the middle of something.
'Can Dustin wait? I'll see you on Monday, OK?' A bit of news.
Hey, I've been trying to Skype you.
'Have you? Sorry.
' Yeah.
What's going on? What are you up to? 'Not much.
Nothing really.
There's nothing to do.
' Well, you must be doing something.
All right, love, bye-bye.
'Bye.
Bye-bye.
' Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Well, that's a disappointment.
That really is.
I was looking forward to telling you my news.
That's terrific news.
Wait till you hear this.
I'm going to be in a movie.
That's right.
I'm going to be in an actual American movie.
I'm going to LA.
I'm going to Hollywood.
I'll be out there, you'll be in London with Chloe.
Right.
Yeah.
Let me talk to Mum, all right? 'Yeah.
' I'll give her a call now and then I'll call you straight back.
'OK, great.
' All right, we'll figure something out.
All right, love you.
'I love you, too.
' Bye.
bye.
I got some other news too.
I had a pretty exciting random sexual encounter with a pirate.
Yes, I did, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Turns out I'm quite something.
Yeah.