The West Wing s02e05 Episode Script
And It's Surely to Their Credit
Previously on The West Wing: Josh was shot in the chest.
Forty percent of teachers in Oregon reported having insufficient textbooks-- T extbooks are important.
If for no other reason than they'd accurately place Kirkwood in California, not Oregon.
-We should hire her.
-She's a Republican.
-Appeal to her sense of duty.
-I'm offering her a job.
What made you think I wouldn't scream where there are people? Did you meet anyone there who isn't worthless? Don't call them worthless.
They are patriots, and l' m their lawyer.
-Don't shout.
-Donna, come here! -Did you hear me say don't shout? -No.
-Know why? -You weren't shouting.
-That's right.
-Right.
-What's the problem? -They still say I owe them $50,000 and that "failure to pay will result in a negative report on your credit.
" -On my credit? -On my credit.
Sam! -Don't shout.
-I got another letter.
-Don't worry.
-I am worried.
-I called an insurance guy.
-They're referring me to insurance code 4336.
You know what that means? Okay.
There's $50,000 worth of hospital bills they're saying they don't cover.
Know what that means? You may have to get a job mowing lawns.
Don't worry about it.
Don't shout.
Sam.
-I'm doing the radio today.
-What's it about? -You don't know what it's about? -No.
You're a speechwriter.
I'm the deputy communications director.
I don't do the radio address.
I think this one's about leaves turning.
-Not surprised.
-Will he take it seriously? -The president? -Yeah.
-Why wouldn't he take it seriously? -You don't.
Don't have to read it.
It's the end of the week, he gets punchy.
-It's not live.
Do another take.
-Remember last April? -Eleven takes.
-I remember.
What did he say? Insurance code 9336? those people key chains.
-What people? -Guests at the address with 1 1 takes.
They were standing for an hour and a half.
I sent them home with White House key chains.
-Knock them dead.
-Wait.
Stay here for a second.
-Why? -l' m doing my thing.
-I've seen that.
-I'm adding a joke.
-I'm sure it's great.
-Just, you know.
Sure.
Excuse me.
-Good morning.
-Good morning.
Welcome to the White House.
My name is Donatella Moss.
I work here as an assistant to Deputy Chief of Staff Joshua Lyman.
Which, I guess, makes me deputy, deputy chief of staff.
Okay.
We' re gonna go over to the Oval Office now if you'll follow me.
As you probably know, the president does a regular Saturday morning radio address which he records on Friday.
The address is usually two to three minutes in length.
When it's over, the president will be happy to stand for pictures.
I' m gonna ask you to form a horseshoe against that wall.
Not an actual horseshoe.
That takes special training as a blacksmith.
Okay.
Thank God.
-How's it going? -They didn't laugh at the blacksmith joke.
That's almost hard to believe.
How is everybody? Good morning, sir.
-We all set for the speech? -Not quite.
-What do you need, sir? -The speech.
-Right here.
-Thank you.
-Let's do this in one, shall we? -Yes.
One-take Bartlet, that's what old Jack Warner used to call me.
Here we go in three two.
"Good morning.
This month, as autumn is in full bloom in much of the nation the weekends will be devoted by many of you to leaf peeping and football"-- What? -Cut tape.
-I'm sorry.
Leaf peeping? Is that something we do now? -T ry another.
-Better get some key chains.
-I heard that.
-Here we go in three two.
Okay, let's cut.
Sorry, everybody.
This is gonna be it.
Four is my lucky number.
-This is take five.
-Five is my lucky number.
Fifth-take Bartlet -that's what Jack Warner called me.
-Did you know Jack Warner? Yeah.
I used to be a contract player in Hollywood, and l' m 97 years old.
-Okay.
-Here we go.
In three, two.
-C.
J.
? -How you doing, T oby? I'm fine.
Thanks.
Listen-- Have you noticed that I am one of the few people here whose nose isn't bent out of shape over Ainsley Hayes? -Yeah.
Listen-- -I'm serious.
You heard the news, and you slammed the door so hard it broke.
-You broke the White House.
-Yeah, but I'm over it now.
Other people aren't, and they should get over it.
I'll see what I can-- I don't think it's that she's a Republican.
It's that she's a Republican woman, and good-looking.
Well, those are three things when in combination usually spell careerism.
It's sexist, and I'm coming down on her side.
-Good for you.
Look-- -I am serious about this.
Ed Barrie's doing Meet the Press on Sunday.
Did you know that? -No.
This Sunday? -Day after tomorrow.
He's retiring.
Maybe it's a farewell kind-- He's also doing Sam and Cokie, Late Edition, and Capitol Beat.
-Are you sure about this? -Sam got it from Mark Gottfried.
-Has anyone talked to Judy? -The DOD press office isn't confirming.
Won't confirm whether a general is going on TV to beat up the president? -No.
-Carol? By the way, you are a beautiful woman.
And no one around has ever assumed you are either ambitious or stupid.
-T oby? -Yeah? It took two years.
I need to see General Barrie.
Go to the Pentagon and get him.
I don't want him near a press line when he comes.
Earliest convenience? I could give a damn if it's convenient.
-He's the Army chief of staff, C.
J.
-I work for his boss, so get him here.
-Want some help? -No.
Have a nice day.
Has Leo told Tribbey about his new Associate Counsel yet? I'll check to see if any maimings have been reported.
-I don't think he's told him.
-Should be decent dinner theater.
Let me know if you need me on Captain Queeg.
He was okay with it? He thinks it's great.
He can't wait to meet you.
Lionel T ribbey? Lionel T ribbey thinks hiring me was a great idea? -Why are you surprised? -Well because l' m a Republican and Lionel T ribbey is incredibly not.
Lionel T ribbey is the White House counsel.
He is a brilliant and fair-minded attorney and he will accept you on his staff because he is, well, fair-minded.
-Because-- -You haven't told him yet.
I have in fact not told him yet.
No.
So you lied to me just then.
I'm a politician, Ainsley.
Of course I lied to you just then.
My first day is getting off to a great start.
-It's about to get better.
-Why? Leo? Lionel T ribbey is on his way.
-I just wanna die.
-It's the White House.
-You get used to that feeling.
-I should go.
-Ainsley.
-No.
Maybe I should go -so you can talk-- -Meet him now.
It's gonna be fine.
It's not gonna be fine.
He'll yell and scream.
I've seen him on TV.
That's TV.
He's making a full-throated defense of the president.
That's what we do.
In real life, when the cameras are off-- Leo! I will kill people today, Leo.
I will kill people with this cricket bat given to me by Her Royal Majesty Elizabeth Windsor.
Then I'll kill them again with my own hands.
Has anybody in this building heard of contempt of Congress? Congress will hold the White House in contempt, Leo.
Nothing compared to the contempt in which I will hold the White House -if this keeps happening.
-What did we do? Steve Joyce and Mark Brookline testified at Governmental Affairs that the White House couldn't produce the Rockland memo because the White House didn't have the Rockland memo.
-Do we? -Holding it in my hand! -There's-- -When your guys go to the Hill they can't drop their testimony on my desk at 9: 1 5 and testify at 9:30.
I was ready to take a vacation.
I was gonna go someplace warm, with a beach.
Somebody bringing me drinks with little umbrellas in them.
I had this closed.
Now I gotta go back up there, because a circus is in town.
-Who is this? -This is Ainsley Hayes.
She's scared of meeting you, so be nice.
The girl who's been writing the columns.
-You're an idiot.
-Leo-- She's not an idiot, Lionel.
She clerked for Dreifort.
-Well, Dreifort's an idiot.
-Dreifort's a Supreme Court Justice.
Speak of him with respect and practice intolerance for those who disagree.
I believe as long as Justice Dreifort is intolerant toward gays, lesbians blacks, unions, women, poor people and the First, Fourth, Fifth, and Ninth Amendments I will remain intolerant toward him.
Nice to meet you.
She's working for you, Lionel.
-Excuse me? -She's working for you.
The president asked me to hire her for your office.
The president of what asked you to hire her for my office? The United States.
Excuse me.
It went pretty well.
Our farming families stand for the values that keep our nation strong: Faith, calm perseverance, and patience.
Mr.
President, have you lost what little was left of your mind? I can't work like this.
-Dear God.
-Cut.
-I had it.
-ls this a bad time? -It's a bit of a bad time.
-Forgive me.
When you have a few moments, I'd like to discuss the hiring of a blond fascist whose knowledge doesn't include the proper order of the alphabet for positions of the White House Counsel.
And we will.
But right now, I don't know if you've noticed but there are 30 or 40 other people in the room.
Many of whom have donated significant amounts of money to the Democrats.
Perhaps you could get a tighter grip on your horses and we will talk about it later.
Yes.
Well.
-Good morning, everyone.
-Good morning.
Thank you, Mr.
President.
Obviously, Lionel Tribbey is a brilliant lawyer whom we cannot live without.
Or there would be very little reason not to put him in prison.
Let's try again.
You got two paragraphs on H-404 for the AFL-ClO I want you to rethink.
Rethink them how? Cut them.
Why can't he talk about Superfund? The AFL-ClO want to hear about how we'll protect their jobs.
How about we start by protecting the planet? How about you start by cutting the paragraphs? -Fine.
-What are you doing? T rying to help Josh with his insurance thing.
The hospital was out-of-network.
They' re claiming responsibility for only Also, he didn't get the procedure cleared for him.
His lung was collapsed, and blood stopped flowing to his brain he was supposed to dial the automated If it keeps up, he's gonna have to sue.
I like a country where you sue the insurance company but not who shot you.
Anyway, cut the two paragraphs.
What? He can sue the people that shot him.
The people who shot him are dead.
No.
Hardly any of them are.
T ake 1 7 looked like it was gonna be a keeper until he went on elocution safari during the word "protuberance.
" -When did he finally nail it? -He hasn't yet.
He hasn't done it yet? There are matters of State to attend to.
-He can't spend the day indefinitely-- -And the audience? I sent them home.
I'll bring in a new audience, like the old Carson Show.
-What the hell are we talking about? -Did you know leaf peeping was a thing? -Josh Lyman.
-Leaf peeping? Yeah.
Sam wants to see you.
Insurance victory.
"And the weak shall be made mighty, " Donna.
Not " might is right" but rather "might for right.
" -This relates to leaf peeping how? -lt doesn't.
Don't eat my french fries.
Good.
Come on in.
-Did you beat them into submission? -No.
-Beat them at all? -Forget about the insurance.
Unless the insurance company forgets about-- The Southern Poverty Law Center.
You know for the three months you were out recovering people were looking for a new avenue for law enforcement to get extremists.
-Throw out the Bill of Rights.
-T oby tried.
I was kidding.
Josh, this is our way in, a civil action.
You could subpoena everything.
Membership roles, donor roles weapons inventory, computer downloads.
Depose everyone who's ever been to a meeting and every man and woman they name.
Josh, the Southern Poverty Law Center wants you to sue the Ku Klux Klan for 1 00 million dollars.
Donna called.
She said don't be late for budget.
I gotta go.
-Charlie.
-Good afternoon, ma'am.
Is the president free for a moment? He's with the Far East advisors.
Would you like me to--? No, no.
Don't interrupt him.
Korea might have more plutonium.
Give him a message for me.
You wanna write this down.
Your blood pressure is 1 20/80.
How did you know that? -I'm saying his blood pressure.
-It's 1 20/80.
Yeah.
Your EKG shows a good sinus rhythm.
-No evidence of ischemic changes.
-Spelling-- Doesn't matter.
Electrolytes and metabolic panels are within normal limits.
Chest x-ray is clear, and prostate screens are fine.
So we can have sex now.
-Okay, that's not me and you, right? -Go.
-Good afternoon, Mrs.
Bartlet.
-Good afternoon, Mrs.
Landingham.
-How are you today? -l' m fine.
Thank you.
-Are you looking for the president? -I imagine he'll be along in a moment.
-Really? -Oh, yeah.
-Good afternoon, Mr.
President.
-Good afternoon.
-ls there anything I can--? -Go away.
-You seem a little tense.
-Not for long.
-Why don't we go inside? -Absolutely.
Would you like me to inform Mr.
McGarry and the advisors--? -BP, 1 20/80.
-Who cares? It's been 1 4 weeks.
-Do these curtains close? -Not here, Jed.
-Yes, right.
Where? -How about our bedroom? New Hampshire's an hour and a half by plane.
Our bedroom in the residence? Yes! We have a bedroom right here.
That was so smart.
-Yes.
-Let's go.
-What? -Korea, plutonium.
-God.
I hate plutonium.
-We have to find time before 6.
What happens at 6? I fly to Cochran's Mills, Pennsylvania.
-Where the hell is Cochran's Mills? -Pennsylvania.
-Right.
-So you talk to Charlie.
I'll talk to Lilly.
We'll coordinate, and find a free hour.
It won't take more than a couple of minutes, but I like your confidence.
-Back to work.
-Can't we just close the curtains? Let's get back to work.
-C.
J.
-ls he here? -He sent-- -Carol! He sent an aide.
Lt.
Buckley.
-C.
J.
-Ms.
Cregg.
Lt.
Buckley.
I'm a staff aide to Gen.
Barrie.
You need to speak with him? -I do.
So, what are you doing here? -I'm an aide-- I heard you the first time.
Where's the general? -The general sent me.
-I'm gonna send you back.
-lf I could know-- -ls he doing the morning shows? I wouldn't know that, ma'am.
I would know, and I do, and so do you.
-Ma'am-- -He'll go on TV and trash the president.
-Last thing he does before he retires? -It's not for-- Lieutenant! He's gonna trash the president? It's not a surprise that Gen.
Barrie has some serious disagreements with this administration.
-Particularly, your president.
-My president is your president too.
He has some real concerns over the state of readiness of our armed forces.
That shouldn't get people alarmed for no reason.
He feels that taking this opportunity to express his opinions which are considered at the most expert level-- T aking this opportunity before he leaves this service is his patriotic obligation.
-It's called " ring and run.
" -Ma'am-- Go back to the Pentagon.
T ell Gen.
Barrie C.
J.
Cregg says he's a coward.
I'll be honest with you.
I didn't even know we had offices down here.
That bodes well for me.
-I wonder what else we got down here? -Bats, possibly? Room 442 is what we' re looking for.
I wouldn't be surprised if we see it any second now.
-You didn't need to take me down here.
-There's no way you'd find it.
-You're the White House chief of staff-- -Don't worry about it.
You've been really decent to me.
I wanna thank you for that.
Kid, the others are gonna come around.
No, they won't.
Remember that the people you' re talking about Iive their lives under siege, At a time in their lives when they' re trying to do good you' re in their foxhole.
Sam Seaborn had this innocent relationship with a girl, bam! Here comes the enemy.
I' m a recovering alcoholic, bam! Radio, TV, magazines, cameras in front of my house.
People shouting at my daughter at the ball game.
Editorials, op-eds.
"He's a drunk.
He's dangerous.
He should resign.
" -I wrote one of those op-ed pieces.
-I know.
It's right over here.
It's written down here, this is the steam pipe trunk distribution venue.
I'm working in the steam pipe trunk distribution venue? No, you're working in your office.
Well-- Thank you for the help.
Ainsley, don't worry about Sam or Josh and T oby or C.
J.
or the Democrats on the Hill or the Republicans on TV.
You're here to serve the president.
Anyway welcome to the White House.
Leo? Mr.
Tribbey.
-I see they found you an office.
-Such as it is.
Good men and women have worked in whatever room was available and have done so without complaint.
I don't believe you heard me complain.
I believe I did, Ms.
Hayes.
Why don't you tell me what this is about? -Sir? -These people are trying to do something.
I'll have their backs while they're trying.
What are you doing here? -Serving my country.
-Why not join the Navy? -I was asked to do this.
-And you said yes? -Why? -I feel a sense of duty.
I' m sorry? I said, I feel a sense of duty.
What, did you just walk out of The Pirates of Penzance? " He's an Englishman.
" -That's from H.
M.
S.
Pinafore.
-It's from Penzance.
Don't tell me about Gilbert and Sullivan.
It's from Penzance or Iolanthe.
One of the ones about duty.
They' re all about duty.
And it's from Pinafore.
Ms.
Hayes-- Is it so hard to believe that someone would roll up their sleeves set aside partisanship and say, "What can I do? " Yes.
I want you to go up to the Hill this afternoon and talk to the associate majority counsel at Governmental Affairs.
You' re sending me because I speak Republican.
Yes.
Two staffers in the Communications Office: Steve Joyce and Mark Brookline.
The two you wanted to kill for screwing up on possession of the memo.
Yes.
Read about it, then fix it.
I will.
-And thank you for asking me.
-Yeah.
Mr.
Tribbey? I'd like to do well on this.
Any advice you could give that might point the way of success would be appreciated.
Not speaking in iambic pentameter might be a step in the right direction.
The president's way too moderate for your taste.
Excuse me? On affirmative action, capital gains, public schools, free trade.
You left a lucrative practice in Chicago and a seven-figure income.
It wasn't out of duty? How are they tying the two shooters and the signal guy to the Klan? They' re tying them to the Klan, West Virginia White Pride - Brotherhood of Aryan Nations.
-How--? The following is in the possession of the FBl: A map and the president's itinerary given to the shooters by the chapter head of White Pride, a videotape of a meeting with the leader railing against interracial couples specifically citing Charlie and Zoey using the term "lone wolf" over and over, which is the phrase they use when they want younger members to take matters into their own hands.
A copy of Hunter by William Pierce bought at a rally in Blacksburg.
In the book, Pierce encourages supremacists to rid the earth of interracial couples by shooting them.
This is more than enough to begin deposing witnesses.
-You wanted to see me? -Yeah.
I just wanted to tell you that Joyce and Brookline are at it again.
-What'd they do? -T old Government Affairs -we never had the Rockland memo.
-I think we did have the Rockland memo.
We did.
Would you talk to them? I also better talk to somebody in Government Affairs.
-T ribbey already sent Ainsley Hayes.
-T o do what? T alk to the associate-- That's something I couldn't do? He wanted to send a lawyer.
I' m a lawyer.
Everybody in the room is.
-From the Counsel's Office.
-Good.
I'll tell everybody to cross their fingers.
If the story hasn't been leaked, we withheld evidence.
Sam, that's enough.
-Anything else? -No.
Thank you.
His point isn't wholly without merit, Leo.
-What do you need? -Sam was talking to me.
-The Southern Poverty Law Center-- -We know.
What do you think? -Well, l' m not wild about it.
-Why? Our people can be deposed too which leaves them vulnerable to embarrassing questions like: Have you ever tried cocaine? They can ask Sam if he slept with a prostitute.
-Those are irrelevant.
-That's why they'll ask.
If our people refuse to answer, it's a story.
-We' re not wild about it.
-That said say the word, we'll take a leave of absence, and join your legal team.
"He is an Englishman" is from Pinafore.
-Tribbey says it's from Penzance.
-It's from Pinafore.
-He says it's the one about duty.
-They' re all about duty.
I wanna be very clear, I could give a damn.
Okay.
Quiet, kids.
Saturday morning radio address, take 21.
I have a really good feeling about this one, sir.
-ls this still my first term? -Yes, but I do take your point.
-We've spent a bit of time on this.
-Here we go.
In five, four, three two.
-Good evening.
-Cut.
-What? -It's morning.
It's evening.
It's dark outside.
It's evening now.
It's morning tomorrow.
What time is it? It's 5:45, sir.
-Here we go.
-ln five-- Excuse me.
Oh, no.
-I can't.
I gotta go.
-Sir, l-- Kids, I am so sorry.
I have to go now to a special meeting of the government.
I will mail you all an autograph copy of the picture we took together.
And one day, you will all understand.
-Mr.
President.
-T ake a break.
-She's not there.
-l' m going to a special meeting.
Of the government.
Yes, sir.
She had to go to Pennsylvania early.
Like to come back inside and take another swing at the radio address? Sure.
Like to get that smile off your face before I send you on assignment to the Yukon? Yes, sir.
-General, I'm sorry.
She can't-- -I've ordered many men on assignment.
I've sent them to Hue City, Khe Sahn Village, Da Nang-- -Sir-- -Don't interrupt! I've sent them to Grenada.
I've sent them to Haiti.
And I've sent them to lraqi-occupied Kuwait.
-All acts of cowardice? -Sir-- You think sending my aide here was an act of cowardice? You think I have the time and inclination-- Sir, that wasn't what I was referring to.
Jumping up and down on the commander in chief then beating a path out of town is an act of cowardice.
I think alerting the public to staggeringly dangerous vulnerabilities of the current state of the military is an act of conscience.
I would too, sir, except-- Again, I say this with all due respect-- Shove your respect! I don't want it! I say this with all due respect.
I think your motives are personal.
-I'd like to discuss that, sir.
-Sure.
How about we discuss new defense spending being down to 300 billion from 400 billion 1 0 years ago.
Is that personal? No, that's about the Cold War ending 1 0 years ago and America not needing to spend much money defending against a country that can't bake bread.
Kitten, optempo is up, which is fine.
But the problem is, perstempo is up too.
Do you know what that is? -It's a rate of turnover in individual jobs.
-Yes, sir.
Perstempo is up because higher-paying civilian jobs Iure men and women trained in high tech.
We're happy to take the rap for a booming economy, sir.
Two divisions: The 1 0th Mountain Division at Fort Drum and the 1 st lnfantry in Germany have been rated C-4.
That's the lowest of four possible readiness grades.
-lt means " unfit for service.
" -No, sir.
Again, with all respect it means unfit for service based on the Pentagon's "two-war doctrine.
" It's based on how fast these divisions would be able to extract themselves from their peacekeeping mission, retrain on home bases and ship off to a second of two full-scale, Gulf War-size conflicts.
There are also some, inside and outside the Pentagon, who questioned whether the C-4 ratings might not be a maneuver on the part of the DOD to help Republican allies in Congress secure more defense money.
Well, I'll be telling my story to Tim Russert.
No, I don't think you will, general.
-I'm sorry? -I said, I don't think you will.
I notice among your many decorations is the Distinguished Combat Service Medal.
You're wearing it now, as well as in numerous photographs including some taken with enlisted men in the field.
You won it while on temporary duty with the Navy's USS Brooke.
The thing is, the Brooke was never fired on, and it never shot its guns.
Right now and in photographs, you' re wearing a medal you never won.
How does that usually go over with the boys? He never served in uniform, not once.
-And he presumes-- -ls there anything else, sir? Excuse me.
I' m looking for Steve Joyce and Mark Brookline.
-Steve.
Mark.
-Thanks.
Hi.
I'm Ainsley Hayes.
Mark Brookline.
Steve Joyce.
Is there some place more private we can speak? -What do you think, the Oval Office? -The Oval Office works.
Or the Cabinet Room.
Why don't we just step out into the hall? -Okay, we'll keep our voices down.
-Okay.
Lionel T ribbey asked me to take care of the false testimony you gave to Governmental Affairs.
-False testimony? -Regarding the Rockland memo.
Look at your watch, Steve.
Seventeen seconds it took her to call us liars.
Fellas, that's not what I was saying.
I chose the wrong word, and I apologize.
Mistaken testimony, you' re absolutely right.
I spoke to the Associate Counsel, and I think we' re gonna be fine.
-Two things I wanted to mention-- -Mark.
I' m sorry, I have work to do.
-Yeah.
-No, this'll just take a second.
First of all, forgive me if I'm repeating somebody else but I'd be remiss if I didn't make sure you understood section 1 94 of the Federal Code says Congress can turn your testimony over to a U.
S.
attorney, and he'd impanel a grand jury.
-You don't want any part of that.
-Thanks.
You know, we both went to high school.
Yeah.
The second thing is this: Your attitude during your testimony is being taken by some of the Republican committee members as a sign of disrespect.
-Please.
-No, hang on a second.
This is so easy to fix, we are gonna pick up yardage.
Write a short note, have it delivered by messenger to the Majority Counsel copy the chairman and the speaker.
Your first act on the job is asking us to apologize to Republicans on the Governmental Affairs Committee.
-And the speaker of the House.
-Because they didn't like our attitude? Yeah.
I know this doesn't look good.
But the fact is, it's the smart thing to do.
And if you don't do it at my suggestion Lionel Tribbey is gonna come here, and you're gonna have to do it at his.
-I have work to do.
-Yeah.
Good evening.
It's very important that nobody tries to kill me in the next hour or so.
Where have you been? On a conference call with Cardinal Law and the archbishop of Chicago.
-You couldn't get off the phone? -" Excuse me, Your Eminence.
The first lady is a little randy, and she says I'm good to go.
" -I am randy.
-Good.
Take your clothes off.
What ever happened to romance, a couple of cocktails, Mel T ormé? -Get them off.
-I'm going to the bathroom where I am gonna change into a special little garment -I think you might enjoy.
-You have two minutes or I swear, I'm gonna get Mrs.
Landingham drunk.
Loosen your tie.
Loosen whatever you'd like.
What was that thing you were doing? -When? -T onight in Pennsylvania.
You know what it was.
It was a monument dedication, or a statue.
-Yeah.
-Statue to who? Nellie Bly.
You went all the way to Cochran's whatever to dedicate a monument to Nellie Bly? Abbey, you can really pass that kind of thing along.
You don't have to accept invitations from every historical society that knows someone in the Social Office.
If you want, I can have Charlie-- You haven't changed into the special garment.
Cochran's Mills is where I went.
You know what I did just then? It was stupid.
I minimized the importance of the statue that was dedicated to Nellie Bly an extraordinary woman to whom we owe a great deal.
-You don't know who she is, do you? -This isn't happening to me.
She pioneered investigative journalism.
I wanna beat the crap out of her.
She risked her life by having herself committed to a mental institution for 1 0 days, so she could write about it.
She changed, entirely, the way we treat the mentally ill in this country.
-Abigail-- -ln 1 890, she traveled around the world in 72 days, six hours, Besting by more than one week Jules Verne's 80 days.
She sounds like an incredible woman.
I'm impressed that she beat a fictional record.
If she goes 21,000 leagues under the sea, I'll name a damn school after her.
-Let's have sex.
-When it comes to historical figures being memorialized in this country women have been largely overlooked.
Nellie Bly is just the tip of the iceberg.
I couldn't possibly hear about the rest of the iceberg now.
Elizabeth Blackwell was the first American woman to be awarded an M.
D.
She founded the Women's Medical College.
Keep talking.
I'll sit here and think about plutonium and the things I can do with it.
"Brown v.
Invisible Empire, Knights of the Klu Klux Klan.
The court found for the Southern Christian Leadership Conference and the marchers attacked in Decatur.
" " Vietnamese Fisherman 's Association v.
The Knights of the KKK.
Civil action enjoining the Klan from operating a T exas army.
" They shut them down.
"Donald v.
United Klans of America.
A suit on behalf of a black youth who was lynched.
" The jury returned a 7-million-dollar verdict and deeded the headquarters to the mother.
Court took the Bat Cave.
-Here's the thing.
It's not just-- -Hang on.
-I'm kind of caught-- -Hang on a second.
Did you talk to Steve Joyce and Mark Brookline? -Yes, I did.
-I was told you would be working in the Majority Counsel's Office but it's my understanding I'd be talking to Brookline and Joyce seeing as how they work for me.
I was taking initiative.
Well, wasn't that spunky of you.
Sam, do you think there's any chance that you could be rude to me tomorrow? T omorrow is Saturday.
I will be here.
You can call me and be rude by phone, or you can stop by and do it in person.
If I have to endure another disappointment today from this place that I have worshipped, I am gonna lose it.
So if you could wait until tomorrow, I would appreciate it.
Anyway.
The jury returned a 7-million-dollar-- I'll be back in just a second, okay? Ainsley? Look, can I talk to you for a minute? All I was really trying to say-- Who did this? Who did this? -I don't know.
-Yes, you do.
-Don't worry about it.
-Who sent this? -Don't worry about it.
-Ainsley.
Sam.
How did your meeting go with Brookline and Joyce? It went great.
I talked to them for a couple of minutes, and I think that-- Sam! Did anybody order a pizza? And if they didn't, could they do it now? You know what, guys? When I write something, I sign my name.
Here, I'll show you.
You have any idea how big of a harassment suit you just exposed us to? She just-- She works here.
Which is more than I can say for either one of you.
"You're fired.
S.
Seaborn.
" I don't know who you think you are around here, you can't fire us.
Oh, yes.
He can.
Leave here, and don't ever come back.
It's time for both of you to write your book now.
Lionel? What are you looking at? I'm-- Nothing.
I'm not-- Nothing.
Except it's from Pinafore.
-It's from Penzance.
-Hate to stick my head in the lion's mouth, but I gotta ask: Were you the secretary of the Princeton Gilbert and Sullivan Society? -No, but then again, l' m not a woman.
-l' m just-- Little drinks, l' m supposed to be having right now.
Umbrellas sticking out of them.
Shish kebab! "Belva Lockwood, for instance, the first woman to practice law.
She argued a case in front of the U.
S.
Supreme Court in 1 879 decades before she'd have the right to vote.
Ellen Swallow Richards, the first woman to be a professional chemist.
Maria Mitchell, who discovered a comet in 1 847 and was the first woman admitted to the Academy of Arts and Sciences.
I could go on and on and on and on.
The fact remains that of the monuments built with public money only 50 of them pay tribute to the women who helped build this country and open its doors to all our daughters who would follow.
In the coming months, I'll try to persuade Congress to rectify that.
In the meantime, enjoy your weekend.
God bless you, and God bless America.
" -We' re out.
-Do it live.
That's what I always say.
-Very nice, babe.
-By the way, the Statue of Liberty.
-Get upstairs.
-At the front door to the country.
-Upstairs! -Like a lawn jockey.
Mr.
President? C.
J.
, the president's gonna take a personal staff time now.
No, it's okay.
I'll be right behind you.
-Special garment.
-Go.
-Mr.
President? -ls this about Ed Barrie? Yes, it is.
-I wanted to ask-- -Go ahead, let him out of the box.
Say what you want about Barrie, and I can say plenty.
He was the first one in and the last one out of a war that I didn't want anything to do with.
The man's earned the right to say whatever he wants.
Let him out of the box, would you? Yes, sir.
-Anything else? -No, sir.
I'm out of here.
It ties up the staff indefinitely when there are-- There are other things they should be doing.
I'd appear to be using a high-profile position for my personal agenda.
But mostly, I just think a lawsuit is too small.
I can't have it be like I slipped in their driveway.
It's different than that to me.
I don't wanna sue them.
Okay.
-And the insurance company? -Them, I'll sue.
No problem.
We're on our way.
-She's here.
-Let's go.
Hello? Hello? Thank you.
Forty percent of teachers in Oregon reported having insufficient textbooks-- T extbooks are important.
If for no other reason than they'd accurately place Kirkwood in California, not Oregon.
-We should hire her.
-She's a Republican.
-Appeal to her sense of duty.
-I'm offering her a job.
What made you think I wouldn't scream where there are people? Did you meet anyone there who isn't worthless? Don't call them worthless.
They are patriots, and l' m their lawyer.
-Don't shout.
-Donna, come here! -Did you hear me say don't shout? -No.
-Know why? -You weren't shouting.
-That's right.
-Right.
-What's the problem? -They still say I owe them $50,000 and that "failure to pay will result in a negative report on your credit.
" -On my credit? -On my credit.
Sam! -Don't shout.
-I got another letter.
-Don't worry.
-I am worried.
-I called an insurance guy.
-They're referring me to insurance code 4336.
You know what that means? Okay.
There's $50,000 worth of hospital bills they're saying they don't cover.
Know what that means? You may have to get a job mowing lawns.
Don't worry about it.
Don't shout.
Sam.
-I'm doing the radio today.
-What's it about? -You don't know what it's about? -No.
You're a speechwriter.
I'm the deputy communications director.
I don't do the radio address.
I think this one's about leaves turning.
-Not surprised.
-Will he take it seriously? -The president? -Yeah.
-Why wouldn't he take it seriously? -You don't.
Don't have to read it.
It's the end of the week, he gets punchy.
-It's not live.
Do another take.
-Remember last April? -Eleven takes.
-I remember.
What did he say? Insurance code 9336? those people key chains.
-What people? -Guests at the address with 1 1 takes.
They were standing for an hour and a half.
I sent them home with White House key chains.
-Knock them dead.
-Wait.
Stay here for a second.
-Why? -l' m doing my thing.
-I've seen that.
-I'm adding a joke.
-I'm sure it's great.
-Just, you know.
Sure.
Excuse me.
-Good morning.
-Good morning.
Welcome to the White House.
My name is Donatella Moss.
I work here as an assistant to Deputy Chief of Staff Joshua Lyman.
Which, I guess, makes me deputy, deputy chief of staff.
Okay.
We' re gonna go over to the Oval Office now if you'll follow me.
As you probably know, the president does a regular Saturday morning radio address which he records on Friday.
The address is usually two to three minutes in length.
When it's over, the president will be happy to stand for pictures.
I' m gonna ask you to form a horseshoe against that wall.
Not an actual horseshoe.
That takes special training as a blacksmith.
Okay.
Thank God.
-How's it going? -They didn't laugh at the blacksmith joke.
That's almost hard to believe.
How is everybody? Good morning, sir.
-We all set for the speech? -Not quite.
-What do you need, sir? -The speech.
-Right here.
-Thank you.
-Let's do this in one, shall we? -Yes.
One-take Bartlet, that's what old Jack Warner used to call me.
Here we go in three two.
"Good morning.
This month, as autumn is in full bloom in much of the nation the weekends will be devoted by many of you to leaf peeping and football"-- What? -Cut tape.
-I'm sorry.
Leaf peeping? Is that something we do now? -T ry another.
-Better get some key chains.
-I heard that.
-Here we go in three two.
Okay, let's cut.
Sorry, everybody.
This is gonna be it.
Four is my lucky number.
-This is take five.
-Five is my lucky number.
Fifth-take Bartlet -that's what Jack Warner called me.
-Did you know Jack Warner? Yeah.
I used to be a contract player in Hollywood, and l' m 97 years old.
-Okay.
-Here we go.
In three, two.
-C.
J.
? -How you doing, T oby? I'm fine.
Thanks.
Listen-- Have you noticed that I am one of the few people here whose nose isn't bent out of shape over Ainsley Hayes? -Yeah.
Listen-- -I'm serious.
You heard the news, and you slammed the door so hard it broke.
-You broke the White House.
-Yeah, but I'm over it now.
Other people aren't, and they should get over it.
I'll see what I can-- I don't think it's that she's a Republican.
It's that she's a Republican woman, and good-looking.
Well, those are three things when in combination usually spell careerism.
It's sexist, and I'm coming down on her side.
-Good for you.
Look-- -I am serious about this.
Ed Barrie's doing Meet the Press on Sunday.
Did you know that? -No.
This Sunday? -Day after tomorrow.
He's retiring.
Maybe it's a farewell kind-- He's also doing Sam and Cokie, Late Edition, and Capitol Beat.
-Are you sure about this? -Sam got it from Mark Gottfried.
-Has anyone talked to Judy? -The DOD press office isn't confirming.
Won't confirm whether a general is going on TV to beat up the president? -No.
-Carol? By the way, you are a beautiful woman.
And no one around has ever assumed you are either ambitious or stupid.
-T oby? -Yeah? It took two years.
I need to see General Barrie.
Go to the Pentagon and get him.
I don't want him near a press line when he comes.
Earliest convenience? I could give a damn if it's convenient.
-He's the Army chief of staff, C.
J.
-I work for his boss, so get him here.
-Want some help? -No.
Have a nice day.
Has Leo told Tribbey about his new Associate Counsel yet? I'll check to see if any maimings have been reported.
-I don't think he's told him.
-Should be decent dinner theater.
Let me know if you need me on Captain Queeg.
He was okay with it? He thinks it's great.
He can't wait to meet you.
Lionel T ribbey? Lionel T ribbey thinks hiring me was a great idea? -Why are you surprised? -Well because l' m a Republican and Lionel T ribbey is incredibly not.
Lionel T ribbey is the White House counsel.
He is a brilliant and fair-minded attorney and he will accept you on his staff because he is, well, fair-minded.
-Because-- -You haven't told him yet.
I have in fact not told him yet.
No.
So you lied to me just then.
I'm a politician, Ainsley.
Of course I lied to you just then.
My first day is getting off to a great start.
-It's about to get better.
-Why? Leo? Lionel T ribbey is on his way.
-I just wanna die.
-It's the White House.
-You get used to that feeling.
-I should go.
-Ainsley.
-No.
Maybe I should go -so you can talk-- -Meet him now.
It's gonna be fine.
It's not gonna be fine.
He'll yell and scream.
I've seen him on TV.
That's TV.
He's making a full-throated defense of the president.
That's what we do.
In real life, when the cameras are off-- Leo! I will kill people today, Leo.
I will kill people with this cricket bat given to me by Her Royal Majesty Elizabeth Windsor.
Then I'll kill them again with my own hands.
Has anybody in this building heard of contempt of Congress? Congress will hold the White House in contempt, Leo.
Nothing compared to the contempt in which I will hold the White House -if this keeps happening.
-What did we do? Steve Joyce and Mark Brookline testified at Governmental Affairs that the White House couldn't produce the Rockland memo because the White House didn't have the Rockland memo.
-Do we? -Holding it in my hand! -There's-- -When your guys go to the Hill they can't drop their testimony on my desk at 9: 1 5 and testify at 9:30.
I was ready to take a vacation.
I was gonna go someplace warm, with a beach.
Somebody bringing me drinks with little umbrellas in them.
I had this closed.
Now I gotta go back up there, because a circus is in town.
-Who is this? -This is Ainsley Hayes.
She's scared of meeting you, so be nice.
The girl who's been writing the columns.
-You're an idiot.
-Leo-- She's not an idiot, Lionel.
She clerked for Dreifort.
-Well, Dreifort's an idiot.
-Dreifort's a Supreme Court Justice.
Speak of him with respect and practice intolerance for those who disagree.
I believe as long as Justice Dreifort is intolerant toward gays, lesbians blacks, unions, women, poor people and the First, Fourth, Fifth, and Ninth Amendments I will remain intolerant toward him.
Nice to meet you.
She's working for you, Lionel.
-Excuse me? -She's working for you.
The president asked me to hire her for your office.
The president of what asked you to hire her for my office? The United States.
Excuse me.
It went pretty well.
Our farming families stand for the values that keep our nation strong: Faith, calm perseverance, and patience.
Mr.
President, have you lost what little was left of your mind? I can't work like this.
-Dear God.
-Cut.
-I had it.
-ls this a bad time? -It's a bit of a bad time.
-Forgive me.
When you have a few moments, I'd like to discuss the hiring of a blond fascist whose knowledge doesn't include the proper order of the alphabet for positions of the White House Counsel.
And we will.
But right now, I don't know if you've noticed but there are 30 or 40 other people in the room.
Many of whom have donated significant amounts of money to the Democrats.
Perhaps you could get a tighter grip on your horses and we will talk about it later.
Yes.
Well.
-Good morning, everyone.
-Good morning.
Thank you, Mr.
President.
Obviously, Lionel Tribbey is a brilliant lawyer whom we cannot live without.
Or there would be very little reason not to put him in prison.
Let's try again.
You got two paragraphs on H-404 for the AFL-ClO I want you to rethink.
Rethink them how? Cut them.
Why can't he talk about Superfund? The AFL-ClO want to hear about how we'll protect their jobs.
How about we start by protecting the planet? How about you start by cutting the paragraphs? -Fine.
-What are you doing? T rying to help Josh with his insurance thing.
The hospital was out-of-network.
They' re claiming responsibility for only Also, he didn't get the procedure cleared for him.
His lung was collapsed, and blood stopped flowing to his brain he was supposed to dial the automated If it keeps up, he's gonna have to sue.
I like a country where you sue the insurance company but not who shot you.
Anyway, cut the two paragraphs.
What? He can sue the people that shot him.
The people who shot him are dead.
No.
Hardly any of them are.
T ake 1 7 looked like it was gonna be a keeper until he went on elocution safari during the word "protuberance.
" -When did he finally nail it? -He hasn't yet.
He hasn't done it yet? There are matters of State to attend to.
-He can't spend the day indefinitely-- -And the audience? I sent them home.
I'll bring in a new audience, like the old Carson Show.
-What the hell are we talking about? -Did you know leaf peeping was a thing? -Josh Lyman.
-Leaf peeping? Yeah.
Sam wants to see you.
Insurance victory.
"And the weak shall be made mighty, " Donna.
Not " might is right" but rather "might for right.
" -This relates to leaf peeping how? -lt doesn't.
Don't eat my french fries.
Good.
Come on in.
-Did you beat them into submission? -No.
-Beat them at all? -Forget about the insurance.
Unless the insurance company forgets about-- The Southern Poverty Law Center.
You know for the three months you were out recovering people were looking for a new avenue for law enforcement to get extremists.
-Throw out the Bill of Rights.
-T oby tried.
I was kidding.
Josh, this is our way in, a civil action.
You could subpoena everything.
Membership roles, donor roles weapons inventory, computer downloads.
Depose everyone who's ever been to a meeting and every man and woman they name.
Josh, the Southern Poverty Law Center wants you to sue the Ku Klux Klan for 1 00 million dollars.
Donna called.
She said don't be late for budget.
I gotta go.
-Charlie.
-Good afternoon, ma'am.
Is the president free for a moment? He's with the Far East advisors.
Would you like me to--? No, no.
Don't interrupt him.
Korea might have more plutonium.
Give him a message for me.
You wanna write this down.
Your blood pressure is 1 20/80.
How did you know that? -I'm saying his blood pressure.
-It's 1 20/80.
Yeah.
Your EKG shows a good sinus rhythm.
-No evidence of ischemic changes.
-Spelling-- Doesn't matter.
Electrolytes and metabolic panels are within normal limits.
Chest x-ray is clear, and prostate screens are fine.
So we can have sex now.
-Okay, that's not me and you, right? -Go.
-Good afternoon, Mrs.
Bartlet.
-Good afternoon, Mrs.
Landingham.
-How are you today? -l' m fine.
Thank you.
-Are you looking for the president? -I imagine he'll be along in a moment.
-Really? -Oh, yeah.
-Good afternoon, Mr.
President.
-Good afternoon.
-ls there anything I can--? -Go away.
-You seem a little tense.
-Not for long.
-Why don't we go inside? -Absolutely.
Would you like me to inform Mr.
McGarry and the advisors--? -BP, 1 20/80.
-Who cares? It's been 1 4 weeks.
-Do these curtains close? -Not here, Jed.
-Yes, right.
Where? -How about our bedroom? New Hampshire's an hour and a half by plane.
Our bedroom in the residence? Yes! We have a bedroom right here.
That was so smart.
-Yes.
-Let's go.
-What? -Korea, plutonium.
-God.
I hate plutonium.
-We have to find time before 6.
What happens at 6? I fly to Cochran's Mills, Pennsylvania.
-Where the hell is Cochran's Mills? -Pennsylvania.
-Right.
-So you talk to Charlie.
I'll talk to Lilly.
We'll coordinate, and find a free hour.
It won't take more than a couple of minutes, but I like your confidence.
-Back to work.
-Can't we just close the curtains? Let's get back to work.
-C.
J.
-ls he here? -He sent-- -Carol! He sent an aide.
Lt.
Buckley.
-C.
J.
-Ms.
Cregg.
Lt.
Buckley.
I'm a staff aide to Gen.
Barrie.
You need to speak with him? -I do.
So, what are you doing here? -I'm an aide-- I heard you the first time.
Where's the general? -The general sent me.
-I'm gonna send you back.
-lf I could know-- -ls he doing the morning shows? I wouldn't know that, ma'am.
I would know, and I do, and so do you.
-Ma'am-- -He'll go on TV and trash the president.
-Last thing he does before he retires? -It's not for-- Lieutenant! He's gonna trash the president? It's not a surprise that Gen.
Barrie has some serious disagreements with this administration.
-Particularly, your president.
-My president is your president too.
He has some real concerns over the state of readiness of our armed forces.
That shouldn't get people alarmed for no reason.
He feels that taking this opportunity to express his opinions which are considered at the most expert level-- T aking this opportunity before he leaves this service is his patriotic obligation.
-It's called " ring and run.
" -Ma'am-- Go back to the Pentagon.
T ell Gen.
Barrie C.
J.
Cregg says he's a coward.
I'll be honest with you.
I didn't even know we had offices down here.
That bodes well for me.
-I wonder what else we got down here? -Bats, possibly? Room 442 is what we' re looking for.
I wouldn't be surprised if we see it any second now.
-You didn't need to take me down here.
-There's no way you'd find it.
-You're the White House chief of staff-- -Don't worry about it.
You've been really decent to me.
I wanna thank you for that.
Kid, the others are gonna come around.
No, they won't.
Remember that the people you' re talking about Iive their lives under siege, At a time in their lives when they' re trying to do good you' re in their foxhole.
Sam Seaborn had this innocent relationship with a girl, bam! Here comes the enemy.
I' m a recovering alcoholic, bam! Radio, TV, magazines, cameras in front of my house.
People shouting at my daughter at the ball game.
Editorials, op-eds.
"He's a drunk.
He's dangerous.
He should resign.
" -I wrote one of those op-ed pieces.
-I know.
It's right over here.
It's written down here, this is the steam pipe trunk distribution venue.
I'm working in the steam pipe trunk distribution venue? No, you're working in your office.
Well-- Thank you for the help.
Ainsley, don't worry about Sam or Josh and T oby or C.
J.
or the Democrats on the Hill or the Republicans on TV.
You're here to serve the president.
Anyway welcome to the White House.
Leo? Mr.
Tribbey.
-I see they found you an office.
-Such as it is.
Good men and women have worked in whatever room was available and have done so without complaint.
I don't believe you heard me complain.
I believe I did, Ms.
Hayes.
Why don't you tell me what this is about? -Sir? -These people are trying to do something.
I'll have their backs while they're trying.
What are you doing here? -Serving my country.
-Why not join the Navy? -I was asked to do this.
-And you said yes? -Why? -I feel a sense of duty.
I' m sorry? I said, I feel a sense of duty.
What, did you just walk out of The Pirates of Penzance? " He's an Englishman.
" -That's from H.
M.
S.
Pinafore.
-It's from Penzance.
Don't tell me about Gilbert and Sullivan.
It's from Penzance or Iolanthe.
One of the ones about duty.
They' re all about duty.
And it's from Pinafore.
Ms.
Hayes-- Is it so hard to believe that someone would roll up their sleeves set aside partisanship and say, "What can I do? " Yes.
I want you to go up to the Hill this afternoon and talk to the associate majority counsel at Governmental Affairs.
You' re sending me because I speak Republican.
Yes.
Two staffers in the Communications Office: Steve Joyce and Mark Brookline.
The two you wanted to kill for screwing up on possession of the memo.
Yes.
Read about it, then fix it.
I will.
-And thank you for asking me.
-Yeah.
Mr.
Tribbey? I'd like to do well on this.
Any advice you could give that might point the way of success would be appreciated.
Not speaking in iambic pentameter might be a step in the right direction.
The president's way too moderate for your taste.
Excuse me? On affirmative action, capital gains, public schools, free trade.
You left a lucrative practice in Chicago and a seven-figure income.
It wasn't out of duty? How are they tying the two shooters and the signal guy to the Klan? They' re tying them to the Klan, West Virginia White Pride - Brotherhood of Aryan Nations.
-How--? The following is in the possession of the FBl: A map and the president's itinerary given to the shooters by the chapter head of White Pride, a videotape of a meeting with the leader railing against interracial couples specifically citing Charlie and Zoey using the term "lone wolf" over and over, which is the phrase they use when they want younger members to take matters into their own hands.
A copy of Hunter by William Pierce bought at a rally in Blacksburg.
In the book, Pierce encourages supremacists to rid the earth of interracial couples by shooting them.
This is more than enough to begin deposing witnesses.
-You wanted to see me? -Yeah.
I just wanted to tell you that Joyce and Brookline are at it again.
-What'd they do? -T old Government Affairs -we never had the Rockland memo.
-I think we did have the Rockland memo.
We did.
Would you talk to them? I also better talk to somebody in Government Affairs.
-T ribbey already sent Ainsley Hayes.
-T o do what? T alk to the associate-- That's something I couldn't do? He wanted to send a lawyer.
I' m a lawyer.
Everybody in the room is.
-From the Counsel's Office.
-Good.
I'll tell everybody to cross their fingers.
If the story hasn't been leaked, we withheld evidence.
Sam, that's enough.
-Anything else? -No.
Thank you.
His point isn't wholly without merit, Leo.
-What do you need? -Sam was talking to me.
-The Southern Poverty Law Center-- -We know.
What do you think? -Well, l' m not wild about it.
-Why? Our people can be deposed too which leaves them vulnerable to embarrassing questions like: Have you ever tried cocaine? They can ask Sam if he slept with a prostitute.
-Those are irrelevant.
-That's why they'll ask.
If our people refuse to answer, it's a story.
-We' re not wild about it.
-That said say the word, we'll take a leave of absence, and join your legal team.
"He is an Englishman" is from Pinafore.
-Tribbey says it's from Penzance.
-It's from Pinafore.
-He says it's the one about duty.
-They' re all about duty.
I wanna be very clear, I could give a damn.
Okay.
Quiet, kids.
Saturday morning radio address, take 21.
I have a really good feeling about this one, sir.
-ls this still my first term? -Yes, but I do take your point.
-We've spent a bit of time on this.
-Here we go.
In five, four, three two.
-Good evening.
-Cut.
-What? -It's morning.
It's evening.
It's dark outside.
It's evening now.
It's morning tomorrow.
What time is it? It's 5:45, sir.
-Here we go.
-ln five-- Excuse me.
Oh, no.
-I can't.
I gotta go.
-Sir, l-- Kids, I am so sorry.
I have to go now to a special meeting of the government.
I will mail you all an autograph copy of the picture we took together.
And one day, you will all understand.
-Mr.
President.
-T ake a break.
-She's not there.
-l' m going to a special meeting.
Of the government.
Yes, sir.
She had to go to Pennsylvania early.
Like to come back inside and take another swing at the radio address? Sure.
Like to get that smile off your face before I send you on assignment to the Yukon? Yes, sir.
-General, I'm sorry.
She can't-- -I've ordered many men on assignment.
I've sent them to Hue City, Khe Sahn Village, Da Nang-- -Sir-- -Don't interrupt! I've sent them to Grenada.
I've sent them to Haiti.
And I've sent them to lraqi-occupied Kuwait.
-All acts of cowardice? -Sir-- You think sending my aide here was an act of cowardice? You think I have the time and inclination-- Sir, that wasn't what I was referring to.
Jumping up and down on the commander in chief then beating a path out of town is an act of cowardice.
I think alerting the public to staggeringly dangerous vulnerabilities of the current state of the military is an act of conscience.
I would too, sir, except-- Again, I say this with all due respect-- Shove your respect! I don't want it! I say this with all due respect.
I think your motives are personal.
-I'd like to discuss that, sir.
-Sure.
How about we discuss new defense spending being down to 300 billion from 400 billion 1 0 years ago.
Is that personal? No, that's about the Cold War ending 1 0 years ago and America not needing to spend much money defending against a country that can't bake bread.
Kitten, optempo is up, which is fine.
But the problem is, perstempo is up too.
Do you know what that is? -It's a rate of turnover in individual jobs.
-Yes, sir.
Perstempo is up because higher-paying civilian jobs Iure men and women trained in high tech.
We're happy to take the rap for a booming economy, sir.
Two divisions: The 1 0th Mountain Division at Fort Drum and the 1 st lnfantry in Germany have been rated C-4.
That's the lowest of four possible readiness grades.
-lt means " unfit for service.
" -No, sir.
Again, with all respect it means unfit for service based on the Pentagon's "two-war doctrine.
" It's based on how fast these divisions would be able to extract themselves from their peacekeeping mission, retrain on home bases and ship off to a second of two full-scale, Gulf War-size conflicts.
There are also some, inside and outside the Pentagon, who questioned whether the C-4 ratings might not be a maneuver on the part of the DOD to help Republican allies in Congress secure more defense money.
Well, I'll be telling my story to Tim Russert.
No, I don't think you will, general.
-I'm sorry? -I said, I don't think you will.
I notice among your many decorations is the Distinguished Combat Service Medal.
You're wearing it now, as well as in numerous photographs including some taken with enlisted men in the field.
You won it while on temporary duty with the Navy's USS Brooke.
The thing is, the Brooke was never fired on, and it never shot its guns.
Right now and in photographs, you' re wearing a medal you never won.
How does that usually go over with the boys? He never served in uniform, not once.
-And he presumes-- -ls there anything else, sir? Excuse me.
I' m looking for Steve Joyce and Mark Brookline.
-Steve.
Mark.
-Thanks.
Hi.
I'm Ainsley Hayes.
Mark Brookline.
Steve Joyce.
Is there some place more private we can speak? -What do you think, the Oval Office? -The Oval Office works.
Or the Cabinet Room.
Why don't we just step out into the hall? -Okay, we'll keep our voices down.
-Okay.
Lionel T ribbey asked me to take care of the false testimony you gave to Governmental Affairs.
-False testimony? -Regarding the Rockland memo.
Look at your watch, Steve.
Seventeen seconds it took her to call us liars.
Fellas, that's not what I was saying.
I chose the wrong word, and I apologize.
Mistaken testimony, you' re absolutely right.
I spoke to the Associate Counsel, and I think we' re gonna be fine.
-Two things I wanted to mention-- -Mark.
I' m sorry, I have work to do.
-Yeah.
-No, this'll just take a second.
First of all, forgive me if I'm repeating somebody else but I'd be remiss if I didn't make sure you understood section 1 94 of the Federal Code says Congress can turn your testimony over to a U.
S.
attorney, and he'd impanel a grand jury.
-You don't want any part of that.
-Thanks.
You know, we both went to high school.
Yeah.
The second thing is this: Your attitude during your testimony is being taken by some of the Republican committee members as a sign of disrespect.
-Please.
-No, hang on a second.
This is so easy to fix, we are gonna pick up yardage.
Write a short note, have it delivered by messenger to the Majority Counsel copy the chairman and the speaker.
Your first act on the job is asking us to apologize to Republicans on the Governmental Affairs Committee.
-And the speaker of the House.
-Because they didn't like our attitude? Yeah.
I know this doesn't look good.
But the fact is, it's the smart thing to do.
And if you don't do it at my suggestion Lionel Tribbey is gonna come here, and you're gonna have to do it at his.
-I have work to do.
-Yeah.
Good evening.
It's very important that nobody tries to kill me in the next hour or so.
Where have you been? On a conference call with Cardinal Law and the archbishop of Chicago.
-You couldn't get off the phone? -" Excuse me, Your Eminence.
The first lady is a little randy, and she says I'm good to go.
" -I am randy.
-Good.
Take your clothes off.
What ever happened to romance, a couple of cocktails, Mel T ormé? -Get them off.
-I'm going to the bathroom where I am gonna change into a special little garment -I think you might enjoy.
-You have two minutes or I swear, I'm gonna get Mrs.
Landingham drunk.
Loosen your tie.
Loosen whatever you'd like.
What was that thing you were doing? -When? -T onight in Pennsylvania.
You know what it was.
It was a monument dedication, or a statue.
-Yeah.
-Statue to who? Nellie Bly.
You went all the way to Cochran's whatever to dedicate a monument to Nellie Bly? Abbey, you can really pass that kind of thing along.
You don't have to accept invitations from every historical society that knows someone in the Social Office.
If you want, I can have Charlie-- You haven't changed into the special garment.
Cochran's Mills is where I went.
You know what I did just then? It was stupid.
I minimized the importance of the statue that was dedicated to Nellie Bly an extraordinary woman to whom we owe a great deal.
-You don't know who she is, do you? -This isn't happening to me.
She pioneered investigative journalism.
I wanna beat the crap out of her.
She risked her life by having herself committed to a mental institution for 1 0 days, so she could write about it.
She changed, entirely, the way we treat the mentally ill in this country.
-Abigail-- -ln 1 890, she traveled around the world in 72 days, six hours, Besting by more than one week Jules Verne's 80 days.
She sounds like an incredible woman.
I'm impressed that she beat a fictional record.
If she goes 21,000 leagues under the sea, I'll name a damn school after her.
-Let's have sex.
-When it comes to historical figures being memorialized in this country women have been largely overlooked.
Nellie Bly is just the tip of the iceberg.
I couldn't possibly hear about the rest of the iceberg now.
Elizabeth Blackwell was the first American woman to be awarded an M.
D.
She founded the Women's Medical College.
Keep talking.
I'll sit here and think about plutonium and the things I can do with it.
"Brown v.
Invisible Empire, Knights of the Klu Klux Klan.
The court found for the Southern Christian Leadership Conference and the marchers attacked in Decatur.
" " Vietnamese Fisherman 's Association v.
The Knights of the KKK.
Civil action enjoining the Klan from operating a T exas army.
" They shut them down.
"Donald v.
United Klans of America.
A suit on behalf of a black youth who was lynched.
" The jury returned a 7-million-dollar verdict and deeded the headquarters to the mother.
Court took the Bat Cave.
-Here's the thing.
It's not just-- -Hang on.
-I'm kind of caught-- -Hang on a second.
Did you talk to Steve Joyce and Mark Brookline? -Yes, I did.
-I was told you would be working in the Majority Counsel's Office but it's my understanding I'd be talking to Brookline and Joyce seeing as how they work for me.
I was taking initiative.
Well, wasn't that spunky of you.
Sam, do you think there's any chance that you could be rude to me tomorrow? T omorrow is Saturday.
I will be here.
You can call me and be rude by phone, or you can stop by and do it in person.
If I have to endure another disappointment today from this place that I have worshipped, I am gonna lose it.
So if you could wait until tomorrow, I would appreciate it.
Anyway.
The jury returned a 7-million-dollar-- I'll be back in just a second, okay? Ainsley? Look, can I talk to you for a minute? All I was really trying to say-- Who did this? Who did this? -I don't know.
-Yes, you do.
-Don't worry about it.
-Who sent this? -Don't worry about it.
-Ainsley.
Sam.
How did your meeting go with Brookline and Joyce? It went great.
I talked to them for a couple of minutes, and I think that-- Sam! Did anybody order a pizza? And if they didn't, could they do it now? You know what, guys? When I write something, I sign my name.
Here, I'll show you.
You have any idea how big of a harassment suit you just exposed us to? She just-- She works here.
Which is more than I can say for either one of you.
"You're fired.
S.
Seaborn.
" I don't know who you think you are around here, you can't fire us.
Oh, yes.
He can.
Leave here, and don't ever come back.
It's time for both of you to write your book now.
Lionel? What are you looking at? I'm-- Nothing.
I'm not-- Nothing.
Except it's from Pinafore.
-It's from Penzance.
-Hate to stick my head in the lion's mouth, but I gotta ask: Were you the secretary of the Princeton Gilbert and Sullivan Society? -No, but then again, l' m not a woman.
-l' m just-- Little drinks, l' m supposed to be having right now.
Umbrellas sticking out of them.
Shish kebab! "Belva Lockwood, for instance, the first woman to practice law.
She argued a case in front of the U.
S.
Supreme Court in 1 879 decades before she'd have the right to vote.
Ellen Swallow Richards, the first woman to be a professional chemist.
Maria Mitchell, who discovered a comet in 1 847 and was the first woman admitted to the Academy of Arts and Sciences.
I could go on and on and on and on.
The fact remains that of the monuments built with public money only 50 of them pay tribute to the women who helped build this country and open its doors to all our daughters who would follow.
In the coming months, I'll try to persuade Congress to rectify that.
In the meantime, enjoy your weekend.
God bless you, and God bless America.
" -We' re out.
-Do it live.
That's what I always say.
-Very nice, babe.
-By the way, the Statue of Liberty.
-Get upstairs.
-At the front door to the country.
-Upstairs! -Like a lawn jockey.
Mr.
President? C.
J.
, the president's gonna take a personal staff time now.
No, it's okay.
I'll be right behind you.
-Special garment.
-Go.
-Mr.
President? -ls this about Ed Barrie? Yes, it is.
-I wanted to ask-- -Go ahead, let him out of the box.
Say what you want about Barrie, and I can say plenty.
He was the first one in and the last one out of a war that I didn't want anything to do with.
The man's earned the right to say whatever he wants.
Let him out of the box, would you? Yes, sir.
-Anything else? -No, sir.
I'm out of here.
It ties up the staff indefinitely when there are-- There are other things they should be doing.
I'd appear to be using a high-profile position for my personal agenda.
But mostly, I just think a lawsuit is too small.
I can't have it be like I slipped in their driveway.
It's different than that to me.
I don't wanna sue them.
Okay.
-And the insurance company? -Them, I'll sue.
No problem.
We're on our way.
-She's here.
-Let's go.
Hello? Hello? Thank you.