The Windsors (2016) s02e05 Episode Script

It was after hearing me - that Tim Peake decided to become an astronaut.
- Really? Well, I can't be sure but why else would he have done it? Meghan Markle? You know me from Suits? No, The Mail Online.
What if the Magna Carta was somehow modified? It's not Britain in the 19th century or the Isle of Wight now! Why do they make these carbon monoxide alarms so small? Never mind all that.
Nicola Sturgeon's about to announce she's unilaterally pulling Scotland out of the union.
And if we lose Scotland, I won't be able to wear my kilts! Oh, do stop going on about your kilts! A whole new Magna Carta has emerged, a document that will bestow upon us absolute power, the power of life and death, the power to do whatever we want.
And I've just sent my red one to the cleaners.
On top of all that, we've got to put up with bloody Theresa May this weekend.
Well, I don't like her any more than you do, but her little visit is providing .
.
an opportunity.
Ah, still no answer.
Theresa! We need to put our personal differences aside.
How can I help you keep Scotland in the union? - Lock yourself in a cupboard? - You're overcompensating, aren't you? Because you find me intimidating.
Theresa, can I just say that in spite of having a cat fight with you in front of the Chinese president, I want us to be friends.
Are you fucking joking? Anyway, I need to try to change Nicola Sturgeon's mind before her announcement on Sunday.
- Where's my room? - Let me show you.
I was about to fit this new carbon monoxide alarm in there, anyway.
And I'll conduct a battle for the hearts and minds of the Scots people, starting at the Highland Games.
You do not have the power of life and death over caber tossers.
I'm merely indicating who's hot and who's not.
Wills, where are you? You're supposed to be picking me up and showing me the real Scotland! Sorry, I'm out of petrol.
Funny how you always run out of petrol when it's the Highland Games.
- Yeah, but this time I really have.
I'll be as quick as I can.
- Hurry up! It's like watching a two-hour advert for porridge.
Something wrong? I want to go and do something useful.
I want to help Scotland.
I know there's a drug problem here.
I've seen Trainspotting.
Don't dress it up, Kate.
You're just bored shitless like everyone else.
That's only half true.
I want to use my time here to help the indigenous people.
And the first thing I've got to do is get them off skag.
Oh, this is wonderful.
Fresh air, strong Scottish gorse Even the midges have a brio that eludes the English mosqui Ooh! I think it's a bit rich getting us to entertain some stuffy foreign dignitary when we're not even on the sovereign ground.
Eugenie, this could be our way back in.
Everyone else is in Scotland.
- Ooh, there's a party at Freddy Windsor's! - You can't! - No! Bollocks to this.
I'm off.
Hi, I'm Justin Trudeau.
Justin Trudeau, dreamboat prime minister of Canada.
I prefer to be thought of for my humanitarian stance on refugees - and my tattoo.
You must be Beatrice? - Actually, I'm Beatrice.
- Don't you have somewhere to be? - No.
Come in! - I brought you this gift of Canadian maple syrup.
- I'll take that.
- She's on a diet? - Well, it seems to be working.
- Thank you.
Yeah, but once the gastric band comes off, she'll ping back to her usual size? - Justin, Justin, over here.
I can do a handstand.
- Er, that's very good! I've got an idea.
Why don't me and you go on a Chelsea pub crawl? Well, my people put aside an hour for lunch.
I don't think a pub crawl is actually mentioned.
I'd better come, too.
When she's had a few, she starts fights.
- I saw him first! - He's mine! Whoa! - Pippa! - Hello, stranger! - What're you doing here? Oh, I-I was just passing.
Things are still great with Johnny and everything, but, um - How's Meghan? - I'm good! - Hi, Pippa, good to see you! - Oh! - You're not in LA.
- No.
Suits is on a hiatus so I'm interviewing for a bunch of creatively exciting British projects.
Yeah -- she's got an audition for Hollyoaks.
- Congratulations! - Hm-mm.
- Hey! How about we go to lunch to celebrate? Great! But I should say I'm gluten-free and lactose-intolerant this week.
I shouldn't worry -- we'll only be drinking wine! Well, this is fantastic.
The girl I used to have sex with and the girl I'm currently having sex with going for lunch.
I've got a feeling you're going to be friends for ever.
- Where am I? Argh! - Steady there, laddy.
- Are you the one who shot me? - Well, you were trespassing on my land.
Hereabouts, they call me Flame.
And what might you be called? 'She doesn't recognise me.
Must be these plasters.
'I could be anonymous! Just make up a normal name.
' I'm Maximilian Forbes Bowmaker Huntingdon Spank.
- The Third.
- Hm.
- English, are you? - I prefer to say British and Northern Irish.
Well, I dinnae like the English.
As soon as your buttocks and face have healed, you're out.
In that case, you're going to have to remove the shot from my bum now! All right! - But I've nae medical training.
- I was in the Air Ambulance.
You'll be my eyes and ears.
Get some tweezers.
Will nae be spoken to like that in my own croft! Well, you shouldn't have shot me up the arse, then, should you? I'm on my holidays, I said.
I dinnae care if Theresa May's trying to find me.
You tell her Nicola Sturgeon says fuck off.
- And this is shortbread, is it? - Aye, sir.
Please stay in the UK, please stay in the UK.
- And presumably these are shortbread tins? - Aye, sir.
Please don't leave us, please don't leave us, please don't leave us What are you doing? Helping Theresa by using some subliminal messages to persuade the Scots to stay in the UK.
Forget about Theresa.
- She's history.
- These flowers make me sniffly.
Tissue.
Oh, never mind.
- Charles, where are your Y-fronts? - Oh, my! He's no' wearing any skiddies! He's a true Scot.
We should stay in the union.
This place looks like it could do with a royal visit.
Time to free Scotland from the yoke of skag.
- My name's Kate.
Princess Kate.
- Mmmmmm.
And-and even though I'm a princess, we're not so different, you and I.
I'm from humble beginnings, too, you see, but I managed to turn my life around just by hard work and making sure I went to the same university as the future king.
And now I'm going to be queen.
That's not bad, is it? - Hmmmm.
- Hmmm! And once you're back on your feet, and we've smartened you up a bit, I don't think I'm building your hopes up too much when I say I could see you marrying into the Spanish royal family! Hmmmm.
Well There's only way I can use my position to help.
Hello, I'm Kate, Duchess of Cambridge, and today I will be taking heroin, which is another word for skag, to highlight this uniquely Scottish problem.
Here goes.
There.
This drug has blighted whole communities aro Oh! Oh! Fucking hell! Fuck! That is fucking mental! Right, let's do it.
- I dinnae know if I can, Maximillian.
- You can.
- Now, how many holes can you see? - Seven.
- Just the shot holes? - Oh.
Six.
Right, now, take the tweezers and remove the first piece of shot.
- I'm going in.
- Ow, no! - Remember, just the shot holes! - Sorry! - I'm so nervous.
- You've got to relax.
What makes you happiest? The idea of an independent Scotland.
Good.
What do you like about it? We could keep all the oil money.
Excellent.
Now you begin the operation.
And fully exploit our wind resources.
We can control our fishing industry while remaining within the EU! All right, you can stop now, Flame! - You've done it.
- Oh, that's brilliant! But it was you, Max.
Getting me to relax by talking about an independent Scotland.
Well, then we both did it.
Oh.
I'd better get you some bandages for your jacksy.
Ooh! Nicola Sturgeon? So that's why she liked talking about an independent Scotland! Here you go.
I must say, I was surprised an Englishman like yourself didn't have stronger views about an independent Scotland.
Well, I was trying to keep you relaxed.
You were removing things from my bottom, remember.
I'll just get one myself.
- That lassie's in love with you.
- James I?! Aye, first king of Scotland and England.
And you can use her feelings for you to stop her from destroying our kingdom.
- She doesn't love me.
- She does.
It happened when she was fixing your arse and saw a bit of bollock.
Even if that were true, as a royal, I should stay neutral.
But the union's at stake.
Think on, laddie, think on.
So, what do you think about Scottish independence? Say for some mad reason I could unilaterally pull us out of the UK? What would you say I should do? - I - Go on, son! I would say It's a matter for Scotland.
Oh! You big streak of piss! Well, I better be off.
The mist has come down.
You're going naewhere on a night like this.
There's only one bed.
I'll take the floor.
Don't you be stupid, man.
With your buttocks? It'll be warmer with the two of us in the bed.
Nightcap, Justin? Whisky? Brandy? Me? No, I really should be going.
Hello, girls.
Oh, who's this? Justin! But I've got a climate conference in the morning.
This is our Cousin.
I'm 32.
Shall we have some music? Do you like Spandau Ballet, Justin? Yeah, I remember seeing them at Live Aid.
Right But Live Aid was '85, and if you're 32 Yes, I say saw them, I mean heard them, through my mother's womb.
Your cousin's very bubbly, in that there's something almost .
.
tragic aboot her.
See, I told you I could stop this independence nonsense.
You're alive! I mean You're up early.
- I always get up early.
- And you're feeling all right? Any nausea? Headaches? Sudden hair loss? Can you button the mindless prattle? I got two hours' sleep in the study - and I still haven't got hold of Sturgeon.
- Oh, I see.
Well, if it's too much for you, my husband could take over, as he should, according to the new Magna Carta.
I wouldn't put your husband in charge of a compost heap.
I outlived three compost heaps, only two of which have caught fire.
Kate, come and say hello to the Prime Minister.
Good morning, Kate.
Late night? I got really stuck into my book and I couldn't put it down.
Ahh! Ahh! Flame? You're not called Maximillian Forbes Bowmaker Huntingdon Spank III at all.
You're Prince William.
Well You're Nicola Sturgeon.
No.
Every year, first two weeks of July, I come up here and adopt my holiday persona, Flame.
How's she different to Nicola? She's not quite so tight with money and she wears this wig.
Look, you've spoilt my holiday now.
I'm back to being Nicola.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'll leave.
And since I'm Nicola again, I might as well charge you for that Scotch last night.
- I don't carry money.
- Then leave your jacket.
I'll boot sell it.
Can I just get my car keys out my pocket? - No.
- Oh.
Girls, I really should be going.
The embassy will be worried aboot me.
And you've been drinking all night.
How do you manage it? Well, to be honest, it's half the job.
- Right.
- Well, I am going now.
I have a breakfast meeting with the governor of the Bank of England.
Oh, but hold on, Justin.
- Before you go, which one of us do you like best? - What? Neither, I'm married with two kids.
You big fanny tears.
I nearly put my back out doing that handstand.
Well, I'm sorry if you misread the signals.
You knew I was married, didn't you, Fergie? But as the representative of Canada, I'd like to thank you for the royal hospitality extended to me in the form of a pub crawl and drinking games till six in the morning.
- Well, he thought he was it, didn't he? - Yeah, totally up himself.
Mind you, he was good at Twister.
Well, I think we've learned a valuable lesson from tonight -- let's never let a man come between us again.
Ovaries before brovaries.
Oh, I've just had a thought.
Since this was a royal duty, we could claim it back on expenses.
Did someone say expenses? This is fun.
Like one of those female bonding scenes in my legal TV drama, Suits.
Yes, it's so wonderful you don't feel guilty - about ruining Harry's life.
- What? Well, having people think he's an idiot, taken in by a trollop who flounces around town with her tits out.
Not my words The Mail Online.
So, I'm making him unpopular.
I should leave.
What about your Hollyoaks audition? Yes.
Hollyoaks.
But Harry's happiness is more important.
I wish I hadn't said anything now.
Booyakasha! Hope you don't mind me crashing the girls-only lunch, but the amusement arcade had a power cut.
Oh, Harry, I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to make you unpopular.
I'm not that unpopular.
A builder just gave me half his pie and said, "Give Meghan one for me.
" Why would a builder give you half his pie if I was making you unpopular? - You lied to me.
- Careful Meghan! That's slander, as you should know from your TV show Suits! It's because you still have feelings for him, don't you? Don't be ridiculous.
Yes, you do! And you're trying to break us up.
Well, you'll never do it.
And I'm going to that Hollyoaks audition.
Break a leg! - What was that all about? - Time of the month? - Oh, right.
- She'll be fine at the audition, by the way.
- Oh, yes? Yeah.
Offered the producer a knighthood.
- Fancy some pie? - Yes .
.
I do.
Oh, there you are.
How was last night? Oh, I bumped into some old uni friends.
Where were you? The same.
I'll stand, actually.
It's better for the old circulation.
Right.
'The Duchess of Cambridge has controversially taken heroin and streamed it live across the world.
But her shock tactics seem to have worked, and eradicated Scotland's unique drug problem.
Addicts are throwing away their needles, dealers are becoming postmen, and this, from Afghanistan I've solved the drug problem that was unique to Scotland! That's all very well, Kate, but you lied to me.
You lied to me.
What are you doing in my room? Just checking the heating.
- You looked a little chilly, earlier.
- Oh.
Of course, if you had a stronger bloodline, you wouldn't feel the cold.
And if you weren't so inbred you'd have got more than one O level.
Well there you go.
Nice and toasty.
I don't know if I got the accent right in my Hollyoaks audition.
I can't believe I've been shagging Derek and he turns out to be my dad.
- Is that OK? - Whoa, that's awesome.
It's your agent.
Hello? Yes? You're kidding me! That's wonderful! Oh, thank you! Talk to you later.
- Harry, Harry, Harry! - Bad news? - No, I got the part.
I can relocate here and we can be together.
That's brilliant! - Knock knock.
- What are you doing here? I came to return Harry's key, from when we were together.
I thought you were going to be my no-BS BFF, but actually you're my BDE -- boyfriend's dangerous ex.
Just like in my TV show, Suits.
Oh, you've got me all wrong, Meghan.
- Did I hear celebrating? - Yeah, Meghan got that part in Hollyoaks.
Well done! That's wonderful.
- Good job you made that call, Harry.
Oops.
- What call? - Have I said something wrong? - What's going on? Well, I may have called the producer, and might have offered him a knighthood to give you that part.
- I can't believe you did that! - But I only wanted to help.
- No, Harry.
If I'm going to make it, and I mean really make it, it has to be because of who I am, not because of who I know.
Sure, our relationship has boosted my profile, but that's just something I've had to deal with, as a woman.
I'm going back to LA.
You're welcome to join me, Harry, but I can't stay here.
Goodbye.
Meghan! Oh! And LA's so far away.
Do you think a long distance relationship can work? I've got to be honest No.
I never wear anything under my kilt, so the only thing between you and my genitalia is this rather course, scratchy piece of tartan.
Mmm.
- Where's the Prime Minister? - Well, I believe she's still getting changed.
You know what women are like.
Oh, you're a woman.
Well, you can see how I made the mistake, you are rather mannish.
Right.
Excuse me.
Sorry to interrupt the sweet, sweet music of the bagpipes, but it's time I made my announcement regarding the future of our fair country.
I've made my decision about Scotland leaving the UK, and that decision is At least I'd thought I'd made my decision.
See, last night a handsome young Englishman came into my croft with substantial gunshot wounds to his backside.
I dressed his wounds, gave him Savlon and Scotch, and then he shared my bed.
Shall we go for a drink? And I'm not afraid to say that I fell in love with him.
And if I can fall in love with a stuck-up Englishman Me, a sour-faced, humourless Scot, then can't Scotland once again fall in love with England? We will remain as part of the UK.
Yes! I did it! Well, that's good news.
How about a walk.
Hello, Wills.
How's the arse? Oh, Nicola, isn't it? Sturgeon? You know, now I think about it, I didn't bump into old uni mates.
Nicola Sturgeon shot me up the arse and I had to stay the night in her croft.
I just came to say fare thee well.
And thank you for helping me love again.
Right, see you, bye.
- Nothing happened.
- Don't worry, Wills.
- I trust you.
But can you now forgive me for lying about taking skag on the telly? Of course, no problem.
Terrible news, everyone! Theresa May, our Prime Minister is dead! And given the new Magna Carta, that makes my husband, Charles .
.
absolute monarch.