Trollied (2011) s02e05 Episode Script

Valco.
Serves you right.
I'm quite nervous.
You can't beat our prices.
Just stop that now.
If you can get it cheaper, I'll come round and cook it myself.
Red hot deals.
We've got offers on everything from booze to biscuits.
Loads of 2 for 1s.
Service with a smile.
We have fresh produce.
Grown locally.
Don't forget the Valco tick.
That way.
Am I getting paid for this? Valco.
I wasn't ready.
When are you ready? Valco, serves you right.
Valco, serves you right.
Colin, do you ever, do you ever, think about the environment? Yeah, I think about the environment.
I think it's a shit hole.
I watched a documentary last night about how all the penguins' homes are melting.
This documentary wasn't called Happy Feet by any chance was it? I can't remember what it's called but they said there's not enough ice for the penguins to stand on.
The world's got too hot.
The world getting hot isn't a problem.
Hot equals birds, tiny tops But if the penguins go first Colin, we'll be next.
I mean, maybe polar bears.
But I don't want my home to melt, my mum will go mad.
What would my mum do? Alright alright.
I'll, er I'll get rid of this.
Oh yeah nice! Are you going to put it out for recycling? Nah, I'll use it as bog roll, mate.
Try and half-flush it.
Save power.
Save the planet.
So come on, you've got a time machine and a gun with one bullet in it.
What are you going to do? Er, shoot you and escape in the time machine.
I tell you what I'd do, go back to the Jurassic era, pick up some Velociraptor eggs.
Make a fortune on eBay.
My Alan's been doing my family tree.
I never knew how many relatives I've got.
Very interesting, family trees.
I'm doing mine, off and on.
How far back have you got? Me Granddad.
Well you'll never guess what my Alan's discovered.
He's found out that I'm related to this fella.
An Earl.
Earl? Ooh.
Look how many necklaces he's wearing.
Which Earl was he? Earl Gay? Hilarious.
"Warm pillow and Muted Lime are this year's must-have kitchen colours".
What a load of bog.
White and green.
That's all it is.
Sue? Are you OK? Yeah, fine.
Is something up? I don't want to talk about it.
It's not something bad is it? Oh you've not had a punch-up in Marks and Sparks again, have ya? Look, keep it to yourself for now? I'm pregnant! Run that by me again.
I'm pregnant.
Up the duff.
What, you're pregnant like, you're having a baby? I'm not expecting a foal.
Oh my God! Oh my God! Seriously? Brilliant news.
We're having a baby.
Not right this minute but Yay! Oh my God! Just don't tell anybody.
Sorry! Oops.
Oh er, Mrs Chain, sorry.
Well, well, Forrest Gump.
What do you want, sunshine? I was wondering if there's any way we could make the store more friendly to the environment so all the penguins don't die.
Listen, Sting, it's not your bastard job to save the planet.
It's your job to - what's his job? Oh er, he's a general worker person.
Yeah! I'm a General! It's your job to do your job and not to get in my way.
Comprende? OK.
Listen Leighton, I know you mean well, but please, if you can possibly help it, promise me, never speak to Lorraine again.
Right.
Yes, Mum.
Right then.
Um vodkas on you.
Mixers on you.
I'll get a few Two seconds.
Katie.
Hi.
I didn't know you worked here.
I don't want to broadcast it.
Have you seen what I've got to wear? It's like something my gran'd do her gardening in.
Oh, I don't know.
I kind of like a woman in a polyester uniform.
The static electricity is a bonus too.
Ello.
You a student as well then? Uh, yeah, I'm Stu.
Hi.
It's a good name for a student, that - Stu.
And it's like my favourite food.
Stew.
Yeah I love a hot stew.
Right.
Wow! Yeah! So are you coming tonight? It's going to be pretty massive.
Definitely.
And I plan on drinking A LOT.
I don't even care it's a school night.
Check me, eh? Well we're going to stock up now.
Sorry I took so long, I got attacked by a box of Kit Kats.
It sort of slid off the shelf, knocked me back into a stack of Toblerones.
I mean, they're sharper than you'd think.
Still - think I've, I've got most of my vision back now.
I'll catch you later.
See ya.
Is it bruised? No! It feels like it's broken the skin.
Andy? Have you got a minute? Bit busy at the moment, Margaret.
It's just I've been thinking, if this Earl is rich I might inherit lots of land.
Ooh, how would I keep it tidy though? Yeah, bit busy at the moment, Margaret.
There's your smoked ham My Alan's got two pair of gardening gloves but that won't be enough, would it? Still a bit busy at the moment, Margaret.
That's the turkey breast.
What if there's a manor house, Andy? How would I manage all the stairs? And still a bit busy at the moment, Margaret.
Oh, I'm that bothered by it, I am.
Anyway, I'll let you get on, Andy.
I can see you're a bit busy at the moment.
Freezers must be on the blink.
You gonna tell Julie or shall I? I'll do it.
You need to take it easy in your state.
Congratulations! Ahh, thanks, Neville.
Yes, I thought I'd say it with flowers.
Well, and actually say it.
That's very thoughtful of you.
But it's not me that's pregnant, it's Sue.
You'll have to get up earlier than that to pull the wool over ol' Neville's eyes.
We're not kidding.
I'm the pregnant one.
Really? Right, right.
Bit unexpected that.
Um Would you mind giving the flowers to Sue, it's just I can't afford, afford any more.
Have you paid for these yet? Oh no, not yet.
It's £2.
99 Is it? No, £8.
99.
Ahh, really? Ahh.
Sorry.
I Just going to I need to just put these back on the shelf.
It's the thought that counts.
What the hell were you thinking? I, I saw a programme last night about our carbon footprints and I'll give you a footprint, sunshine - right up your backside! I think we can handle this in a peaceful manner, Lorraine.
Besides, we can't talk to staff that way.
Bloody Brussels! Listen, if we don't do something, all the polar bears are going to drown.
Did you really think that by turning off the freezers you we're going to help save the planet? Yes.
Julie.
My office, now.
And now she's convinced she's going to inherit half of Warrington.
She's wondering if IKEA sell thrones.
I wish I was related to someone that was rich.
Imagine never having to work in a supermarket again.
What if you were related to the Sainsbury's family.
They might make you a manager.
Be just my luck.
Hey, Kieran, this is Stu, my uni friend.
Nice to meet you mate, how you doing? Um, so I was wondering what time you were coming tonight? I guess around 9? Something tells me you'll be pissed by half past.
With any luck, yeah.
It's a house party so should be a laugh.
Come along if you like.
Erm He doesn't want to come to a student party.
He hates students.
Hey! You're a student.
We get on.
A bit.
I don't hate students.
Then come along then, man.
Look it's gonna be a massive piss up.
Yeah, I guessed that.
I've actually got a pass tonight.
Emma's out with her mates.
Wow.
A pass? A whole night of freedom? Well, I'll text you the address yeah? Yeah cool.
I'll hopefully see ya there.
See ya.
Take it easy.
Seems nice.
Yeah he is nice.
For a student.
Whatever.
You know the only one answer to this, don't you? Yes.
What is it? Some sort of safety door on the freezers? No, you're going to sack the lad.
Sack Leighton? No, we can't.
He'd never get another job! Exactly, he's unemployable and we are not going to carry him any more.
It's the kindest thing to do.
We have to ask ourselves, Lorraine, is this what Gavin would want? No, Julie, we don't.
I am branch manager now.
And I am going to make the tough decisions that Gavin was too chicken to handle.
That lad has had his chips - and you can tell him.
Don't you not think it would be best No.
Coming from someone who No.
Hasn't known him so No.
No? OK that's £25.
93.
I've got the ninety three.
I only meant to turn off the lights.
Oh man, classic.
Management are sweating their tits off, mate.
Oh no, don't worry about that.
.
It's my mess.
No, no, no, no, no, no - you sit back and watch your shit hit fans.
Leighton.
Oh Julie, let me say something quickly.
Leighton, of all the things to do! You blithering idiot! I only meant to turn the lights off to save power.
Am I in trouble? Oh just just, just come with me a minute.
Leighton.
Yes, Julie.
Do you like um cream cakes? I love cream cakes! Great! Let's, let's go get a cream cake How's that one? It's really nice but why am I getting free cakes? Has it gone off? Leighton I don't mind if it's passed it's sell-by date, the dates are always wrong anyway.
Leighton, I've got some bad news Although once, I did eat a packet of crisps that were past their sell-by date and they had turned into little biscuits.
Leighton! What do you think you'd do if you couldn't work at Valco? Couldn't work at Valco? Julie, I will work at Valco till the day that I die.
Scout's honour.
God.
Really? Don't you want to see the world, Leighton? Other supermarkets? No, I hate other supermarkets actually.
All the stuff's in different places.
It's crazy.
Why do you ask? Leighton, you did something really, really unprofessional earlier and now um, now well er you're fired.
What? I'm sorry.
I didn't know how to break it to you.
I've been preparing you for the bad news.
And well, er that's the bad news.
I see.
I'm only following orders.
Lorraine says it's a you or me situation - and well, I'd rather it wasn't me.
So the bad news is, that I'm fired? And not that the cakes are off? Well, I can still come in in the day and help.
Well no.
You're fired.
Can I can I keep the uniform? You'll have to give that back.
Oh no please don't fire me Julie, please.
I don't have a choice, Leighton.
You really messed up and well, Lorraine She makes the decisions here.
Alright, I could work for free.
Remember, like when I did work experience? I can make my own badge that's not a problem.
I'm sorry, Leighton.
Please don't fire me Julie, I haven't got anything else.
I'm saving up for an aquarium.
I'm sorry.
I could um I could Sorry, Leighton.
Please don't I could um Hey.
I'm popular today.
I didn't come to see you.
Where's Neville? Oh his eye keeps weeping.
He's gone to dab it in the toilets.
So, has Stu texted you the address? For tonight? What? Er yeah.
But you're not seriously thinking about going, are you? Why not? I like parties.
Yeah but I'll be the only person that you know.
What, are you embarrassed or something? No.
Don't be daft.
But you don't want me to go? No, as in, I don't not not You know what I mean.
No not really but - don't worry about it.
I've got to get back.
Kieran.
I heard your announcement.
Yeah sorry about that, I was just dead excited.
Hey, a little babby? I'm not made of stone! Congratulations.
Thanks.
It's me who's having it.
Shitting hell, really? I mean, congratulations to you.
There we go, lovely bit of ham that.
It's like the pig was made of velvet.
Ta.
Ta-ta.
Of course you know who I'm related to, don't you? George Clooney? No, Tom Cruise? Bet it's Tom Cruise, isn't it? Don't be so daft.
Natasha Kaplinsky.
Is there anyway we can install a lie detector next to that mincer? No, it's true.
We haven't seen each other for years.
She's embarrassed to be around me.
Well I can see the truth in that.
No, it's professional jealousy.
See, most of the news reports she reads, it's stuff I already know.
She can't take it.
Is there at least one day where we can have a normal conversation? Oh, I'm getting cold feet about this royalty stuff.
I like my life as it is.
I don't want to live in a castle.
Oh, I'm all of a tizz, Andy.
Oh.
Let's have another look at that picture.
Well Bone structure's the same.
What did you say his name was again? The fourth Earl of Warrington.
John somebody.
Oh alright, that's it, I was gonna leave it till tonight's pub quiz to ask him, but sod it.
Let's get this sorted now.
Ask who? History Pete, my friend.
History Pete.
The finest brain in Warrington.
Besides mine.
He'll fix it.
Yeah, course he will.
I'm glad Gavin's not here to see this mess.
He'd quite literally have to take a good sit down.
So what's gonna happen to Leighton, then? Is he going to get a proper bollocking? Never you mind.
Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but I recall giving you a direct order earlier.
I did! I did what you asked.
Leighton is still stacking shelves.
Finish the job, Julie.
Now.
Just get this disaster under control.
Why would Kieran want to come to a student party anyway? He'd hate it.
Oh, I dunno, I used to enjoy the odd party during my student days, Katie.
Yeah? I wouldn't have you down as a party animal.
Well, studies came first obviously.
But once I got a term under my belt I'd be in the pub having a drink all to myself.
I bet you miss them days, don't you? Best days of my life.
And then I met my wife, ex-wife.
She was a real firecracker, let me tell you.
Our first date, oh goodness me Is your eye OK? Oh it's nothing, just that knock earlier just set off an old stye problem.
It's funny isn't it - I'm crying.
Excuse me.
Yes, please! Can I have a bottle of vodka, please.
Leighton? Please don't shout at me, Julie.
I'm not going to shout at you, Leighton.
But I am going to have to ask you to put down that box of cereal.
Gavin always said to finish what I start, and I had already started this before you terminated me.
I'm sorry, but you have to go home.
Please go, go and clear out your locker.
I'm sorry I let you down, Julie.
And I hope Lorraine isn't too nasty to you.
Oh, why do you have to be such an oaf.
You know it seems daft a royal working here.
You'd never see Princess Anne serving sausage rolls to people, would ya? Oh depends, Margaret.
She might if she was having a dinner party.
Your worries are over, Maggy-moo.
You're no more a royal than this chump here.
History Pete had the answer at his fingertips, did he? Yes, in fact.
Well, him and Wikipedia.
So I'm not a royal? Oh what a relief! You most certainly are not.
The fourth Earl of Warrington, the Right Honourable John Woodham, was no royal.
He was a bad egg.
Knocked up his servants, drank his estate away.
Died penniless.
I've a good mind to scribble him off my tree altogether.
Ha, you'd actually be more royal if you were related to this chump.
Would you stop doing that? Alright! I must say, being a royal wasn't for me.
It was just too stressful.
You know I can understand now why the Queen doesn't smile on her stamps.
So, are you going to Katie's student party? Hey you could turn your apron into a toga I don't think they have toga parties any more.
Anyway, I don't know if I can be arsed.
Yeah, it's all skinny jeans and bleepy music with that lot.
You'd stand out like a sore bollock.
Sorry.
I shouldn't take it so much to heart.
First sacking's always the hardest.
I still remember mine.
Habib, big Turkish lad.
He turned nasty, I had to get him an a head lock.
I just find it sad having to let people go.
Powerful women like us, we have to control our emotions.
The only time I've let emotions get the better of me was when I had to have my dog put down.
And only because I had to do it myself with a mallet.
Oh, that's so sad.
He looked at me before I did it, his eyes were telling me 'right thing to do, Lorraine'.
Thank you for shopping at Valco.
Sorry.
Thank you.
Night.
Thank you for shopping at Valco.
So you coming tonight then? Nah nah, you're alright, I'm er, going to get a drink with Andy.
Besides, you don't want me there cramping your style, do you? What? No, you wouldn't do.
I meant like I'm only kidding.
Anyway I can't go getting trashed on a school night like you young 'uns, can I? 'Young 'uns'.
We're the same age.
Look, are you sure? Yeah yeah.
You just enjoy yourself.
Alright.
Bye.
Call me daft, but I think maybe guilt is nature's way of telling us we've been bastards.
Who runs this country? Who's hogging the headlines? Who's in charge of every major company? Well, er Bastards.
Cos only bastards get ahead.
Us bastards.
Cheers.
Yes, well maybe Ahh - pub quiz night.
I can taste sweet victory already.
Do you fancy getting a drink first? I've got a few hours until Emma gets back.
No can do.
I gotta swot up before the quiz starts.
History Pete can't make it.
He thought it was tomorrow.
Brilliant at history, crap at life.
Pregnant lady coming through! I meant to say.
Congratulations.
She's not pregnant, I am! Shitting hell! I mean, congratulations! See you tomorrow.
See you later.
Night-night, Leighton, see you tomorrow love.
Night, see you tomorrow.
Night, girls.
See you tomorrow, mate.
Yeah.
See you, tomorrow, Andy.
Oi, you were awesome today, man.
Thanks Colin.
Thank you for shopping at Valco.