Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015) s02e05 Episode Script
Kimmy Gives Up!
1 Hi, I'm Kimberly Schmidt.
I'm supposed to take my GED tomorrow, but I never got my confirmation letter.
Took a couple extra years, but I'm finally gonna graduate high school.
The test details for your class were mailed out weeks ago.
I only have one left for a student with no home address: Richard Pennsylvania? That's Dong Nguyen.
We were basically the Roz and Frasier of our class, but not sexy like that, just, you know, cool.
I get it.
I kind of have a Kyle and Maxine thing with my boss.
Oh, you don't know Living Single, but I'm supposed to know everything about Frasier? Y'all stole the name Frasier from us anyway.
CookiesMonsta All right, Kimmy, today is a big day, so we need to move quickly.
Like chop-chop, that place where they cut your hair during plastic surgery.
My First Americans for Turtle Island Charity is having its premier gala in three weeks, so today I get to do my single most favorite activity A private wardrobe fitting Fitting Karl Lagerfeld is lending me something from his designer line "Crotte de Nez," but Buckley has a doctor's appointment and school is closed for Rupert Murdoch's birthday, so you'll have to stay on top of him.
He behaves more when you sit on his chest.
Buckley! No! Kimmy, stop him! Oh.
Where is she? I need a helper! Vera? Juanita? Hunyong? Other Vera? All right.
Oh, what a glorious morning Oh, come on.
Oh, all the joy it will bring If I don't mind never voting Or my church burning down while I sing What the heck song is that? That is "A Glorious Morning," a now-banned classic from the black version of Oklahoma called Alabama.
Oh, the cropper and the Klansman should be friends Run, run! What is up with you? Who died and left you a trunk full of hats? Nothing's up with me.
These are famous show tunes that everyone loves.
You seriously don't know these songs? My family was poor.
The closest thing we had to a radio was a mentally ill uncle who talked about the weather every nine minutes.
Good news, your crash course in the Great American Songbook starts immediately and lasts forever! Titus, do I have any mail? Girl, you know I don't know.
Check my Quest Diagnostic Barbie chalet.
I missed a GED letter.
It looks like this.
Kimmy, why do you have this? They didn't have an address for Dong, so I'm gonna drop it off.
You sure you're not just using this as an excuse to see him? Like when Bobby Durst came back to get his conveniently forgotten bow saws? Sly devil.
Maybe real devil.
Lillian, if I just wanted to see Dong, I'd have gone back for my scrunchie already.
I mean, that's 78¢ down the drain.
Hmm.
What? Without blue, my whole weekly rotation is off.
I can't wear a green scrunchie on Thursday.
Everyone will think I'm horny.
That's true.
I will.
Why are you helping Dong at all? He dumped you.
I'm not gonna let him fail his GED because he broke up with me.
Kiddo, all I'm saying is seeing him again might be tougher than you think.
Really? Tougher than keeping hope alive in a bunker where the end of your braid is your toothbrush and your best friend? Touché.
I'll be fine.
I'll just stick it in his mail slot.
He won't even see me.
Kimmy.
That reminds me of this gem from the Helen Keller-inspired- but-unauthorized musical, Feels Like Love.
In the game of hide and seek I'm the first one to be found But when it comes to love I have to feel my way around Does he even see me? Is he screaming my name? Is this him or a mop Or a chair or a cop? Sad to say, but to me Feels the same You're being weird.
Take that, fishes! I'm sorry, I don't know what's gotten into Buckley today.
He's usually much more of a someone else's problem than this.
Your son's in good physical health, Ms.
White.
Whoo! That's odd.
We don't have an anatomy skeleton in this office.
But in terms of behavioral development, Buckley could benefit from a little discipline.
Oh.
Don't worry, I'm not suggesting actual parenting.
Oh.
I know how busy we all are.
I'm talking about medication.
"Dyziplen"? "Treats hyperactivity, ADHD, and Kanye West Spectrum Disorder.
" No, my son doesn't need to be medicated.
He just bites sometimes to loosen his baby teeth.
No, I'm not saying Buckley has any diagnosable behavioral disorder, just he's a handful.
Which is a medical term for how many pills he needs.
Think it over.
You're my bitch, Geoffrey.
Okay, Kimmy, just pretend it's any old door.
Hey, door.
What's up? Cool, cool.
You ever miss being a tree? Yeah, I get that.
Anyway, just gonna shove a letter-ino up your mouth flap.
Sonja! Hi, Kimmy! We never see you anymore! Come in.
Oh, no.
I can't stay.
You two catch up.
I'll make popsicles for everyone.
Oh, no, you don't Kimmy, I thought I made myself clear.
Clearly Canadian.
Crystal Pepsi.
I was just dropping off your GED letter.
My test is in a couple weeks.
Cool, well, I guess we're done here.
Oh, do you have my blue scrunchie? I left it at your party.
It smells like Salon Selectives and silverfish poison? I don't know what you're talking about.
It's fine if you threw it out, you just owe me 78¢.
And I'll pay you when I have that kind of money lying around.
Dong, are you okay? Sonja and I have an interview tomorrow at Immigration.
If we can't prove we're a real couple, I'll get deported.
I don't want to go back to Vietnam, Kimmy.
It's full of baby boomer tourists trying to feel something.
Look, you always knew how to prepare for a test.
What do you have so far? Our wedding album.
This is the only picture.
Is this from a security camera? No, it's from our witnesses: two Harlem Globetrotters who were getting gay married right after us.
So make a fake photo album.
In my experience, if someone has good pictures and a glue stick, they can make it look like they dunked on Jesus, and some girls will believe it, for, like, 15 years.
I'm sure you and Sonja have someone who could help you take pictures.
I can ask Neptune to help.
Because he's a non-sexual friend.
You're being paranoid, Dong.
Anyway, the popsicles will just be another 40 minutes.
This is hopeless.
Maybe just let me help you.
I don't know, Kimmy.
Are you sure you can handle that? I mean Don't worry about me.
I'm like a biscotti.
People act like I'm this sweet cookie, but I'm really this super hard thing that nobody knows what I am or why I am.
So let's do this! Let's take a bunch of pictures of you and Sonja going to first base super hard on each other! Okay, so you can be Megatron, and I'll be Optimus Prime.
Okay.
Hey, other robot guys, let's go save the sun or whatever.
No! You're a bad guy.
Oh, God.
Okay, ow.
All right.
Okay, I extinguished your Allspark.
- Now you're dead.
- Oh, no.
Now I'll have to lie down and be left alone.
Kimmy, where are you? - I need some help here.
- Hey, no.
You have to stay still until Sky Lynx saves you.
- You lost your Allspark.
- Okay, okay, okay.
Ms.
White, I'm sorry.
I can't come over right now.
I have the GED and a crafting emergency Are you listing things at me? I need you here now.
There's no school and I don't have a television.
Lagerfeld is sending over a squad of his nastiest boys for my dress fitting.
They hate children.
If my crotchfruit is here, they'll know I'm a moo! No, you can't move.
Ms.
White, I'm sorry.
Don't be sorry, just get here.
You'll pay for this, Starscream.
Kimmy, I've never spent an entire day alone with Buckley.
I've always had help from someone: a nanny or a driver or an iPad taped to a bag of sugar.
I don't know how to do this.
What if it poops? I don't know what to say.
Maybe you could take him to the park.
He loves the big slide at 66th Street 'cause sometimes nannies fall down it.
You might have fun.
Okay, so now I'll be Mark Wahlberg.
No! Autobots, roll out! Take that, Megatron! Stoop Crone, no loitering please Stoop Crone, you're kind of a skeeze That better be from a musical.
Of course! It's from Rodgers and Hammerstein's Croon, Crone, Croon! Which was eventually reworked into The Sound of Music.
Oh, thank you, Nazis, for saving show business.
I said it! Yeah, well, Kimmy never came back.
Probably still with Dong making goo-goo eyes 'cause our building gives everyone pinkeye.
So you think she still loves him? Like in one of the great love songs of all time, "You're My Baby Now"? Baby, I get lost In your big blue eyes Can't help dreaming of you And those alabaster thighs Ooh, that's risqué.
Don't be disgusting, Lillian.
It's from Daddy's Boy, an innocent musical about a father's love for his infant son.
The composer was beaten to death in jail, which reminds me of another song you'll definitely know.
Whomp goes the billy club Whomp goes the billy club Splorch goes the Irishman's skull You can't say two words without singing.
Wait a minute.
You don't want to teach me songs.
You can't stop singing 'cause you're happy.
Happy? No.
I'm just singing because Lillian, no.
Lillian.
Happy? Well, why wouldn't you be? You're dating a nice boy, your one-man show went good, and you got a free piano.
This is the best your life has ever gone.
No! You're wrong, Stoop Crone! Nothing different is happening! This is just an ordinary day I'm just an ordinary gay Which is why I'm talking to you in such an ordinary way But, Titus I am dancing away from you I am prancing away from you We Three Marionettes of 1971.
Sometimes I get lost in your big blue eyes I just can't help dreaming 'bout your alabaster thighs Though you love to tease and give your daddy sass How I love my baby's naughty little Personality You're my baby now How I love to hug and hold you You're my baby now For when daddy's arms enfold you And I rock-a-bye my baby in your warm and wooly nightie Baby always has a big surprise for daddy In his didy You're my baby now When you're squirming in my lap-y Such a big boy, wow You make daddy very happy Brains and muscles, man, you got 'em You're the tops and I'm the bottom I'm a lucky daddy 'Cause you're my baby now But you'll grow up And you'll be gone Then I'll sing a different song You're not my baby now Parkour attack! How are you feeling, sweetheart? The label on your special candy said you'd be much calmer by now.
I am gonna make that into a waterslide! This is my structure! You're all fired! Yeah! Mother, may I please go again? Oh.
Of course.
Is he on Dyziplen? Praise Jesus.
Thank God the FDA fast-tracked that drug.
Whee.
Tag, you are it.
I am.
Thank you.
Is every child here on Dyziplen? Oh, yes.
That drug saved me so much time, I was finally able to finish my tell-all book about my boss.
It's called Sippy Cup Rosé and it's gonna have a shoe on the cover.
I can't believe how calm they all are.
Mommy, I am tired.
Can we go sit someplace quiet like a shoe store? Of course, my sweet baby.
You're my baby now Stoop Crone! I know you haven't been studying because I found your GED books coated with a day's worth of asbestos.
What are you doing? Also, try not to breathe in here too much from now on and before.
Lillian, I'm fine.
I've been studying for weeks, and I just have to take one more photo of Dong and Sonja so he doesn't get deported.
We're recreating their fake engagement at Sonja's annual Grammy Awards party.
A Grammy party? Is this woman insane? Well, I think she's cheating on Dong with a statue, so you tell me.
If all this is about helping Dong, then how come your bookmark is this? It's all right here in your MASH.
Apparently you're gonna live in a shack, drive a Porsche, honeymoon at FAO Schwarz, all with your husband Dong.
Fine, you win.
I have hope.
Hope that got me through 15 years in the bunker.
I don't quit.
Sweetie, you can't keep running into a brick wall.
Shows what you know.
How does the Kool-Aid Man do this? Kimmy, I was you once.
I waited like a fool for something that could never be.
And his name was the Second Avenue Subway.
It was a he? Oh, you're goddamn right it was.
The city had been promising to build it since 1916, so I figured by the '70s, it was due any minute, so I waited for years in a tiny Murray Hill apartment, not a pot to piss in.
It was a plastic cup with Reggie Jackson on it.
Donna Maria and I bathroomed into a trick-or-treating pumpkin.
I waited and I suffered, but the subway didn't come, so I gave up on the train, I left Murray Hill, and I moved here where I met the love of my life.
So you quit? I know you're tough and you never give up.
Sometimes the hardest thing to do is just quit and walk away.
Sorry, but giving up isn't my jam.
My jams are grape, jock, and space, and I've got 12 hours till my test.
I'm fine.
You do not define me, Richard I cannot be owned And if I had my way, Richard I would die alone Eaten by birds Digested by birds Shat out by birds Alone Stephen Sondheim's Pinocchio.
What happened? You were so happy before.
I was until you said I was! Well, how did my calling you happy make you sad? Because! When I was singing before, it didn't even occur to me that I was happy.
I thought it was just gas coming out in a weird way, but then you pointed out that this is the best my life has ever gone, and now I'm panicked I'm gonna lose it all! Happiness is fleeting, Lillian, and you fleeted it! Oh, my Ms.
White, I'm sorry, but I still can't make it.
Actually, Kimmy, I don't need help with Buckley.
We had an amazing day.
Shopped for shoes, lunched at The Carlyle, even had our caricatures done in Central Park.
Are you sure it's Buckley? Does he have an English accent? 'Cause it could be a parent trap.
No, it was me.
I did it.
I'm like a female Mr.
Mom.
It's hard to admit this, Kimmy, but the only reason I had Buckley was to hook Julian.
I've never really known how to connect with him, but today was more rewarding than I could have ever imagined.
Good for you! See what happens when you don't give up hope? Anything is possible! We should start a band! Look, the only thing I need you to do is pick up Buckley's medication.
I'm almost out, and I need him to behave at the fitting.
Wait, you gave him drugs to make him behave? I know you were frozen in ice for ten years or whatever, but tons of people take this stuff now.
So have you tried it? Of course I have.
What kind of mother do you think I am? Why, I'm on it now, and I feel great! So great, in fact, I'll go to the drugstore myself, despite the fact the last time I was in a drugstore was in 2004, and an employee named LaDonica said to me, "Bitch, I don't know your life.
" Kimmy! I can't find Sonja! What? I don't know where she went.
She didn't even take her phone.
So your wife disappeared.
It's just you and no wife right now? Our interview's first thing in the morning.
We can find her, right? Never give up.
Yes.
We are both thinking about not giving up in the exact same way right now.
She could be anywhere, but let's first start with the last two places she was asked to leave: I'll check the zoo, you check Maggie Gyllenhaal's porch.
This is what I want my funeral to look like: surrounded by friends.
The only limits are your imagination.
Let's go crazy! Yeah.
What do you think? I don't know.
They're just clothes.
She isn't worth it, Quentstopher! I already have clothes.
Why would I need more clothes? What's happening? My brain.
It's Talbots-ing.
Dyziplen ate my joy.
I just checked the morgue.
They said Sonja hasn't been there in weeks.
Our interview is first thing in the morning.
Guess it's back to Vietnam to work at the family business A sweatshop that manufactures iPhone notification sounds.
Ba-ding.
Boo-ga-dee.
Or I could be Sonja.
I could go with you to Immigration.
Who knows you better than I do? We finish each other's senten ces.
And wow, this is weird, but I already have an album full of pictures of us.
I think Immigration could believe we're in love.
Here we are in a Central Park paddleboat, where your legs are totally just as strong as mine Stop it! Why do you keep doing this? I'm married.
- But don't you still hope - No.
Kimmy, Sonja was there when I needed her, and now we have an arrangement that works.
I get to stay in the country, and she gets a husband who can be a male role model for her birds.
You're gonna ruin everything! Let it go! You're being crazy! Me? Your wife thinks she's hooking up with Neptune! Kimmy, you're right! I am? About which part? I'm sorry, Neptune.
It's over.
Here are your CDs back.
I was worried about you.
Always take your phone and charger.
Okay, cool.
Congratulations.
Dong, I guess I'll just see you when you have that 78¢ for my scrunchie.
You can bring it by whenever.
Hang on.
Well, I guess I'll go take my GED, which is in a few hours.
I'll let you know how it goes, maybe give you some answers.
Abraham Lincoln, potassium, four that kind of stuff.
Bye.
Oh, my God.
What happened? My fitting.
What gown did I Holy Jesus! A peplum? Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Crepe palazzos? You're not a gown at all, you monster! Good morning, Mommy.
Good morning, Buckley.
Do you want to draw something with your markers? Ruin the wall for Mommy, Buckley.
No, thank you.
I like how it's all white and flat like my dreams.
Goodbye, sweet boy.
I'm gonna ace this.
Science section, blammo! English section, wherefore art thou, Blammeo? What's next? Karate section.
Let's do this! Puppy-naming section, go! Dexter, Patches, Reggie! Skip it and come back.
Ginger, Winston, Beemer! Math section.
If Dong is a subway train traveling away from Kimmy at a trillion miles an hour, how long will you wait before you fudge up your life? Oh, no.
And time.
Why didn't you wake me up? I don't go to where you work and tell you to wake me up.
Buckley, Mommy needs to find a gala gown.
Can you be a good Yeah! Do you have any Met Ball-style dresses? I'm fine with sheer panels and rump chains.
Die, Decepticon! Acid spray! Ow.
I'm so sorry.
- Buckley, sweetie.
- Die, die, die! Give the mannequin its arm back.
Maybe you should come back some other time.
Sans crotchfruit.
Hold on, I just need to extinguish his Allspark.
Oh, with Dyziplen? I take that.
You're all going in the freezer! Prime, I'm destroying your spark with my ion blaster! Now he can't move until Sky Lynx regenerates him.
So can you bring me something in my size? Uh-huh.
Oh, I'm sorry, were you an eight or a ten? What? Autobot, this Trypticon is gonna meet Hellscream! Yeah! Die! Hey, Red.
Well, I failed the GED because I can't quit Dong.
I just I don't like giving up on stuff.
I still want Nickelodeon to take over my school.
Listen.
You had your first real love and it ended badly.
But Dong's only gonna be married for two years.
I can do two years standing on my head.
Actually, in the bunker Again with the bunker.
You're like one of those ladies who go to Montreal, and then, suddenly, everything is about Montreal.
Kimmy, the sooner you quit something that stinks, the sooner you can find something that doesn't.
Save your hope for that.
So, anything bad happen to you yet? You sat next to me.
Titus, that crapped-up Raggedy Ann out there had a tough day, but we both know her luck is gonna change.
Just like we both know your good times can't last forever.
Maybe you'll marry Mikey, maybe you'll break up.
Maybe you'll live together for decades, but then he'll die first of an awful brain disease.
Damn it, Lillian, what kind of white Six Feet Under nonsense is this? Maybe I should put it in terms that you could understand.
"When I was a little girl, many moons ago, my mother gave me a bit of wisdom, because wisdom was all she had.
" Is that from Gangly Orphan Jeff, the ill-fated musical that opened six days after Annie? Oh, the sun will rise in the morning Or so I'm told But who knows? You could win a million bucks in the morning And then get rolled By a mob of stinking hobos Good news You can't lose when you tell Mr.
Blues that you choose To keep going Goodbye, Dong.
We'll never stop We'll keep on moving forward Even if we don't know what we're moving toward They say life's too short but they're wrong It's so long Sometimes the only way to go Is to just go on Keep a smile in your pocket When the wolf is rat-a-tatting at the door Just lock it tight Keep a dream in your heart and you'll never ever Want for more Unless you're in a knife fight Chin high Spit in the eye of the folks who can't stop laughing At the stupid things you've done Don't ever stop, even though your heart is breaking Don't look over your shoulder At the love you left behind They say life's too short But they're wrong It's so long Sometimes the only way to go Is to just go on You're my baby now How I love to hug and hold you You're my baby now For when daddy's arms enfold you And I rock-a-bye my baby in your warm and wooly nightie Baby always has a big surprise for daddy In his didy You're my baby now When you're squirming in my lap-y Such a big boy, wow You make daddy very happy Brains and muscles, man, you got 'em You're the tops and I'm the bottom I'm a lucky daddy 'Cause you're my baby now - Good night, everybody.
- Good night.
I'm supposed to take my GED tomorrow, but I never got my confirmation letter.
Took a couple extra years, but I'm finally gonna graduate high school.
The test details for your class were mailed out weeks ago.
I only have one left for a student with no home address: Richard Pennsylvania? That's Dong Nguyen.
We were basically the Roz and Frasier of our class, but not sexy like that, just, you know, cool.
I get it.
I kind of have a Kyle and Maxine thing with my boss.
Oh, you don't know Living Single, but I'm supposed to know everything about Frasier? Y'all stole the name Frasier from us anyway.
CookiesMonsta All right, Kimmy, today is a big day, so we need to move quickly.
Like chop-chop, that place where they cut your hair during plastic surgery.
My First Americans for Turtle Island Charity is having its premier gala in three weeks, so today I get to do my single most favorite activity A private wardrobe fitting Fitting Karl Lagerfeld is lending me something from his designer line "Crotte de Nez," but Buckley has a doctor's appointment and school is closed for Rupert Murdoch's birthday, so you'll have to stay on top of him.
He behaves more when you sit on his chest.
Buckley! No! Kimmy, stop him! Oh.
Where is she? I need a helper! Vera? Juanita? Hunyong? Other Vera? All right.
Oh, what a glorious morning Oh, come on.
Oh, all the joy it will bring If I don't mind never voting Or my church burning down while I sing What the heck song is that? That is "A Glorious Morning," a now-banned classic from the black version of Oklahoma called Alabama.
Oh, the cropper and the Klansman should be friends Run, run! What is up with you? Who died and left you a trunk full of hats? Nothing's up with me.
These are famous show tunes that everyone loves.
You seriously don't know these songs? My family was poor.
The closest thing we had to a radio was a mentally ill uncle who talked about the weather every nine minutes.
Good news, your crash course in the Great American Songbook starts immediately and lasts forever! Titus, do I have any mail? Girl, you know I don't know.
Check my Quest Diagnostic Barbie chalet.
I missed a GED letter.
It looks like this.
Kimmy, why do you have this? They didn't have an address for Dong, so I'm gonna drop it off.
You sure you're not just using this as an excuse to see him? Like when Bobby Durst came back to get his conveniently forgotten bow saws? Sly devil.
Maybe real devil.
Lillian, if I just wanted to see Dong, I'd have gone back for my scrunchie already.
I mean, that's 78¢ down the drain.
Hmm.
What? Without blue, my whole weekly rotation is off.
I can't wear a green scrunchie on Thursday.
Everyone will think I'm horny.
That's true.
I will.
Why are you helping Dong at all? He dumped you.
I'm not gonna let him fail his GED because he broke up with me.
Kiddo, all I'm saying is seeing him again might be tougher than you think.
Really? Tougher than keeping hope alive in a bunker where the end of your braid is your toothbrush and your best friend? Touché.
I'll be fine.
I'll just stick it in his mail slot.
He won't even see me.
Kimmy.
That reminds me of this gem from the Helen Keller-inspired- but-unauthorized musical, Feels Like Love.
In the game of hide and seek I'm the first one to be found But when it comes to love I have to feel my way around Does he even see me? Is he screaming my name? Is this him or a mop Or a chair or a cop? Sad to say, but to me Feels the same You're being weird.
Take that, fishes! I'm sorry, I don't know what's gotten into Buckley today.
He's usually much more of a someone else's problem than this.
Your son's in good physical health, Ms.
White.
Whoo! That's odd.
We don't have an anatomy skeleton in this office.
But in terms of behavioral development, Buckley could benefit from a little discipline.
Oh.
Don't worry, I'm not suggesting actual parenting.
Oh.
I know how busy we all are.
I'm talking about medication.
"Dyziplen"? "Treats hyperactivity, ADHD, and Kanye West Spectrum Disorder.
" No, my son doesn't need to be medicated.
He just bites sometimes to loosen his baby teeth.
No, I'm not saying Buckley has any diagnosable behavioral disorder, just he's a handful.
Which is a medical term for how many pills he needs.
Think it over.
You're my bitch, Geoffrey.
Okay, Kimmy, just pretend it's any old door.
Hey, door.
What's up? Cool, cool.
You ever miss being a tree? Yeah, I get that.
Anyway, just gonna shove a letter-ino up your mouth flap.
Sonja! Hi, Kimmy! We never see you anymore! Come in.
Oh, no.
I can't stay.
You two catch up.
I'll make popsicles for everyone.
Oh, no, you don't Kimmy, I thought I made myself clear.
Clearly Canadian.
Crystal Pepsi.
I was just dropping off your GED letter.
My test is in a couple weeks.
Cool, well, I guess we're done here.
Oh, do you have my blue scrunchie? I left it at your party.
It smells like Salon Selectives and silverfish poison? I don't know what you're talking about.
It's fine if you threw it out, you just owe me 78¢.
And I'll pay you when I have that kind of money lying around.
Dong, are you okay? Sonja and I have an interview tomorrow at Immigration.
If we can't prove we're a real couple, I'll get deported.
I don't want to go back to Vietnam, Kimmy.
It's full of baby boomer tourists trying to feel something.
Look, you always knew how to prepare for a test.
What do you have so far? Our wedding album.
This is the only picture.
Is this from a security camera? No, it's from our witnesses: two Harlem Globetrotters who were getting gay married right after us.
So make a fake photo album.
In my experience, if someone has good pictures and a glue stick, they can make it look like they dunked on Jesus, and some girls will believe it, for, like, 15 years.
I'm sure you and Sonja have someone who could help you take pictures.
I can ask Neptune to help.
Because he's a non-sexual friend.
You're being paranoid, Dong.
Anyway, the popsicles will just be another 40 minutes.
This is hopeless.
Maybe just let me help you.
I don't know, Kimmy.
Are you sure you can handle that? I mean Don't worry about me.
I'm like a biscotti.
People act like I'm this sweet cookie, but I'm really this super hard thing that nobody knows what I am or why I am.
So let's do this! Let's take a bunch of pictures of you and Sonja going to first base super hard on each other! Okay, so you can be Megatron, and I'll be Optimus Prime.
Okay.
Hey, other robot guys, let's go save the sun or whatever.
No! You're a bad guy.
Oh, God.
Okay, ow.
All right.
Okay, I extinguished your Allspark.
- Now you're dead.
- Oh, no.
Now I'll have to lie down and be left alone.
Kimmy, where are you? - I need some help here.
- Hey, no.
You have to stay still until Sky Lynx saves you.
- You lost your Allspark.
- Okay, okay, okay.
Ms.
White, I'm sorry.
I can't come over right now.
I have the GED and a crafting emergency Are you listing things at me? I need you here now.
There's no school and I don't have a television.
Lagerfeld is sending over a squad of his nastiest boys for my dress fitting.
They hate children.
If my crotchfruit is here, they'll know I'm a moo! No, you can't move.
Ms.
White, I'm sorry.
Don't be sorry, just get here.
You'll pay for this, Starscream.
Kimmy, I've never spent an entire day alone with Buckley.
I've always had help from someone: a nanny or a driver or an iPad taped to a bag of sugar.
I don't know how to do this.
What if it poops? I don't know what to say.
Maybe you could take him to the park.
He loves the big slide at 66th Street 'cause sometimes nannies fall down it.
You might have fun.
Okay, so now I'll be Mark Wahlberg.
No! Autobots, roll out! Take that, Megatron! Stoop Crone, no loitering please Stoop Crone, you're kind of a skeeze That better be from a musical.
Of course! It's from Rodgers and Hammerstein's Croon, Crone, Croon! Which was eventually reworked into The Sound of Music.
Oh, thank you, Nazis, for saving show business.
I said it! Yeah, well, Kimmy never came back.
Probably still with Dong making goo-goo eyes 'cause our building gives everyone pinkeye.
So you think she still loves him? Like in one of the great love songs of all time, "You're My Baby Now"? Baby, I get lost In your big blue eyes Can't help dreaming of you And those alabaster thighs Ooh, that's risqué.
Don't be disgusting, Lillian.
It's from Daddy's Boy, an innocent musical about a father's love for his infant son.
The composer was beaten to death in jail, which reminds me of another song you'll definitely know.
Whomp goes the billy club Whomp goes the billy club Splorch goes the Irishman's skull You can't say two words without singing.
Wait a minute.
You don't want to teach me songs.
You can't stop singing 'cause you're happy.
Happy? No.
I'm just singing because Lillian, no.
Lillian.
Happy? Well, why wouldn't you be? You're dating a nice boy, your one-man show went good, and you got a free piano.
This is the best your life has ever gone.
No! You're wrong, Stoop Crone! Nothing different is happening! This is just an ordinary day I'm just an ordinary gay Which is why I'm talking to you in such an ordinary way But, Titus I am dancing away from you I am prancing away from you We Three Marionettes of 1971.
Sometimes I get lost in your big blue eyes I just can't help dreaming 'bout your alabaster thighs Though you love to tease and give your daddy sass How I love my baby's naughty little Personality You're my baby now How I love to hug and hold you You're my baby now For when daddy's arms enfold you And I rock-a-bye my baby in your warm and wooly nightie Baby always has a big surprise for daddy In his didy You're my baby now When you're squirming in my lap-y Such a big boy, wow You make daddy very happy Brains and muscles, man, you got 'em You're the tops and I'm the bottom I'm a lucky daddy 'Cause you're my baby now But you'll grow up And you'll be gone Then I'll sing a different song You're not my baby now Parkour attack! How are you feeling, sweetheart? The label on your special candy said you'd be much calmer by now.
I am gonna make that into a waterslide! This is my structure! You're all fired! Yeah! Mother, may I please go again? Oh.
Of course.
Is he on Dyziplen? Praise Jesus.
Thank God the FDA fast-tracked that drug.
Whee.
Tag, you are it.
I am.
Thank you.
Is every child here on Dyziplen? Oh, yes.
That drug saved me so much time, I was finally able to finish my tell-all book about my boss.
It's called Sippy Cup Rosé and it's gonna have a shoe on the cover.
I can't believe how calm they all are.
Mommy, I am tired.
Can we go sit someplace quiet like a shoe store? Of course, my sweet baby.
You're my baby now Stoop Crone! I know you haven't been studying because I found your GED books coated with a day's worth of asbestos.
What are you doing? Also, try not to breathe in here too much from now on and before.
Lillian, I'm fine.
I've been studying for weeks, and I just have to take one more photo of Dong and Sonja so he doesn't get deported.
We're recreating their fake engagement at Sonja's annual Grammy Awards party.
A Grammy party? Is this woman insane? Well, I think she's cheating on Dong with a statue, so you tell me.
If all this is about helping Dong, then how come your bookmark is this? It's all right here in your MASH.
Apparently you're gonna live in a shack, drive a Porsche, honeymoon at FAO Schwarz, all with your husband Dong.
Fine, you win.
I have hope.
Hope that got me through 15 years in the bunker.
I don't quit.
Sweetie, you can't keep running into a brick wall.
Shows what you know.
How does the Kool-Aid Man do this? Kimmy, I was you once.
I waited like a fool for something that could never be.
And his name was the Second Avenue Subway.
It was a he? Oh, you're goddamn right it was.
The city had been promising to build it since 1916, so I figured by the '70s, it was due any minute, so I waited for years in a tiny Murray Hill apartment, not a pot to piss in.
It was a plastic cup with Reggie Jackson on it.
Donna Maria and I bathroomed into a trick-or-treating pumpkin.
I waited and I suffered, but the subway didn't come, so I gave up on the train, I left Murray Hill, and I moved here where I met the love of my life.
So you quit? I know you're tough and you never give up.
Sometimes the hardest thing to do is just quit and walk away.
Sorry, but giving up isn't my jam.
My jams are grape, jock, and space, and I've got 12 hours till my test.
I'm fine.
You do not define me, Richard I cannot be owned And if I had my way, Richard I would die alone Eaten by birds Digested by birds Shat out by birds Alone Stephen Sondheim's Pinocchio.
What happened? You were so happy before.
I was until you said I was! Well, how did my calling you happy make you sad? Because! When I was singing before, it didn't even occur to me that I was happy.
I thought it was just gas coming out in a weird way, but then you pointed out that this is the best my life has ever gone, and now I'm panicked I'm gonna lose it all! Happiness is fleeting, Lillian, and you fleeted it! Oh, my Ms.
White, I'm sorry, but I still can't make it.
Actually, Kimmy, I don't need help with Buckley.
We had an amazing day.
Shopped for shoes, lunched at The Carlyle, even had our caricatures done in Central Park.
Are you sure it's Buckley? Does he have an English accent? 'Cause it could be a parent trap.
No, it was me.
I did it.
I'm like a female Mr.
Mom.
It's hard to admit this, Kimmy, but the only reason I had Buckley was to hook Julian.
I've never really known how to connect with him, but today was more rewarding than I could have ever imagined.
Good for you! See what happens when you don't give up hope? Anything is possible! We should start a band! Look, the only thing I need you to do is pick up Buckley's medication.
I'm almost out, and I need him to behave at the fitting.
Wait, you gave him drugs to make him behave? I know you were frozen in ice for ten years or whatever, but tons of people take this stuff now.
So have you tried it? Of course I have.
What kind of mother do you think I am? Why, I'm on it now, and I feel great! So great, in fact, I'll go to the drugstore myself, despite the fact the last time I was in a drugstore was in 2004, and an employee named LaDonica said to me, "Bitch, I don't know your life.
" Kimmy! I can't find Sonja! What? I don't know where she went.
She didn't even take her phone.
So your wife disappeared.
It's just you and no wife right now? Our interview's first thing in the morning.
We can find her, right? Never give up.
Yes.
We are both thinking about not giving up in the exact same way right now.
She could be anywhere, but let's first start with the last two places she was asked to leave: I'll check the zoo, you check Maggie Gyllenhaal's porch.
This is what I want my funeral to look like: surrounded by friends.
The only limits are your imagination.
Let's go crazy! Yeah.
What do you think? I don't know.
They're just clothes.
She isn't worth it, Quentstopher! I already have clothes.
Why would I need more clothes? What's happening? My brain.
It's Talbots-ing.
Dyziplen ate my joy.
I just checked the morgue.
They said Sonja hasn't been there in weeks.
Our interview is first thing in the morning.
Guess it's back to Vietnam to work at the family business A sweatshop that manufactures iPhone notification sounds.
Ba-ding.
Boo-ga-dee.
Or I could be Sonja.
I could go with you to Immigration.
Who knows you better than I do? We finish each other's senten ces.
And wow, this is weird, but I already have an album full of pictures of us.
I think Immigration could believe we're in love.
Here we are in a Central Park paddleboat, where your legs are totally just as strong as mine Stop it! Why do you keep doing this? I'm married.
- But don't you still hope - No.
Kimmy, Sonja was there when I needed her, and now we have an arrangement that works.
I get to stay in the country, and she gets a husband who can be a male role model for her birds.
You're gonna ruin everything! Let it go! You're being crazy! Me? Your wife thinks she's hooking up with Neptune! Kimmy, you're right! I am? About which part? I'm sorry, Neptune.
It's over.
Here are your CDs back.
I was worried about you.
Always take your phone and charger.
Okay, cool.
Congratulations.
Dong, I guess I'll just see you when you have that 78¢ for my scrunchie.
You can bring it by whenever.
Hang on.
Well, I guess I'll go take my GED, which is in a few hours.
I'll let you know how it goes, maybe give you some answers.
Abraham Lincoln, potassium, four that kind of stuff.
Bye.
Oh, my God.
What happened? My fitting.
What gown did I Holy Jesus! A peplum? Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Crepe palazzos? You're not a gown at all, you monster! Good morning, Mommy.
Good morning, Buckley.
Do you want to draw something with your markers? Ruin the wall for Mommy, Buckley.
No, thank you.
I like how it's all white and flat like my dreams.
Goodbye, sweet boy.
I'm gonna ace this.
Science section, blammo! English section, wherefore art thou, Blammeo? What's next? Karate section.
Let's do this! Puppy-naming section, go! Dexter, Patches, Reggie! Skip it and come back.
Ginger, Winston, Beemer! Math section.
If Dong is a subway train traveling away from Kimmy at a trillion miles an hour, how long will you wait before you fudge up your life? Oh, no.
And time.
Why didn't you wake me up? I don't go to where you work and tell you to wake me up.
Buckley, Mommy needs to find a gala gown.
Can you be a good Yeah! Do you have any Met Ball-style dresses? I'm fine with sheer panels and rump chains.
Die, Decepticon! Acid spray! Ow.
I'm so sorry.
- Buckley, sweetie.
- Die, die, die! Give the mannequin its arm back.
Maybe you should come back some other time.
Sans crotchfruit.
Hold on, I just need to extinguish his Allspark.
Oh, with Dyziplen? I take that.
You're all going in the freezer! Prime, I'm destroying your spark with my ion blaster! Now he can't move until Sky Lynx regenerates him.
So can you bring me something in my size? Uh-huh.
Oh, I'm sorry, were you an eight or a ten? What? Autobot, this Trypticon is gonna meet Hellscream! Yeah! Die! Hey, Red.
Well, I failed the GED because I can't quit Dong.
I just I don't like giving up on stuff.
I still want Nickelodeon to take over my school.
Listen.
You had your first real love and it ended badly.
But Dong's only gonna be married for two years.
I can do two years standing on my head.
Actually, in the bunker Again with the bunker.
You're like one of those ladies who go to Montreal, and then, suddenly, everything is about Montreal.
Kimmy, the sooner you quit something that stinks, the sooner you can find something that doesn't.
Save your hope for that.
So, anything bad happen to you yet? You sat next to me.
Titus, that crapped-up Raggedy Ann out there had a tough day, but we both know her luck is gonna change.
Just like we both know your good times can't last forever.
Maybe you'll marry Mikey, maybe you'll break up.
Maybe you'll live together for decades, but then he'll die first of an awful brain disease.
Damn it, Lillian, what kind of white Six Feet Under nonsense is this? Maybe I should put it in terms that you could understand.
"When I was a little girl, many moons ago, my mother gave me a bit of wisdom, because wisdom was all she had.
" Is that from Gangly Orphan Jeff, the ill-fated musical that opened six days after Annie? Oh, the sun will rise in the morning Or so I'm told But who knows? You could win a million bucks in the morning And then get rolled By a mob of stinking hobos Good news You can't lose when you tell Mr.
Blues that you choose To keep going Goodbye, Dong.
We'll never stop We'll keep on moving forward Even if we don't know what we're moving toward They say life's too short but they're wrong It's so long Sometimes the only way to go Is to just go on Keep a smile in your pocket When the wolf is rat-a-tatting at the door Just lock it tight Keep a dream in your heart and you'll never ever Want for more Unless you're in a knife fight Chin high Spit in the eye of the folks who can't stop laughing At the stupid things you've done Don't ever stop, even though your heart is breaking Don't look over your shoulder At the love you left behind They say life's too short But they're wrong It's so long Sometimes the only way to go Is to just go on You're my baby now How I love to hug and hold you You're my baby now For when daddy's arms enfold you And I rock-a-bye my baby in your warm and wooly nightie Baby always has a big surprise for daddy In his didy You're my baby now When you're squirming in my lap-y Such a big boy, wow You make daddy very happy Brains and muscles, man, you got 'em You're the tops and I'm the bottom I'm a lucky daddy 'Cause you're my baby now - Good night, everybody.
- Good night.