United States of Al (2021) s02e05 Episode Script

1 - Here you go.
- Okay.
Toothbrushes, toothpaste, towels, diapers, formula.
Mustard? You know, for the refugees.
Mustard? It's the good stuff.
The brown stuff.
They've been through a lot.
That is very generous, Mr.
Art.
Thank you.
I will be back in a couple of hours.
A couple of hours? The drop-off's at the church.
He wants to drop it at Ariana's, 'cause the last time they saw each other, she kissed him.
- There it is.
- Ooh.
I told you that in confidence.
Bad call.
It was not a romantic kiss.
She just wanted to unnerve me.
Yeah, looks like it's still working.
Th-There is nothing between us.
She finds me very annoying.
So do we, but we love you.
Well, have fun on your date.
This is not a date.
This is just Afghans helping Afghans.
It sounds like how Afghans make more Afghans.
Thank you for your help.
I will see you in a few hours.
- It's a date.
- Definitely.
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
- It's open.
[TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY.]
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, sunshine.
- Hey, Hazelnut.
- There's my angel.
Tell him what you did.
Because you forgot? Hazel.
I got caught cheating in school.
- What? - But I had a really good reason.
Hey, what do we say about personal accountability? No excuses.
- You're grounded.
- Mom.
Don't look at me.
This is Daddy's weekend.
I clocked out when we walked through the door.
But Grampy and I are going to the drag races on Sunday.
- She's got a point.
- Nope.
She should have thought about that before doing the crime.
He's got a point.
Go wash up for dinner.
What am I having, bread and water? They're good tickets.
You and Freddy want them? Close enough to catch a tire.
Nah, he's very triggered by internal combustion engines.
You want to take Lois? I would, but she's out of town.
Well, I'm free.
We could go.
You're not grounded.
Do whatever you want.
All right! Sounds like fun.
Don't let her drive home.
Last time, she was so jacked up, she blasted over a speed bump and bottomed out our minivan.
There were sparks.
[LAUGHS.]
Another box? How did you even get everything into your car? It is my training at the grocery store.
Once you have mastered putting eggs and a watermelon in the same bag, everything else is a breeze.
[LAUGHS.]
Thanks again for driving all the way here.
Thank you for organizing this.
It's the least I can do.
Well, I guess I will head back.
Unless you have time to get some lunch? Oh.
Yeah.
Time.
Yes.
I have.
Great.
There's a French restaurant down the street that has the best crème brûlée.
Ah.
Let's go.
How long were you standing at the intersection? Ugh, about an hour.
I-It was pouring rain, all these cars keep coming and going, and the light turns red and green and red and green, but the orange hand keeps telling me "stop.
" I had no idea about the walk button.
So, what did you do? I got very, very wet.
[LAUGHS.]
Excusez-moi.
Pourrions-nous avoir plus de pain, s'il vous plait? I don't think he actually speaks French.
Oh, I know, I'm just trying to get him to be a man and admit it.
Oh.
Is someone showing off with his French? Eh, maybe a little.
Mm.
Your accent is very charming.
Oh, I could say the same.
No one is stopping you.
[LAUGHS.]
What just happened? Uh, nothing.
You touched my hand.
So? It is just that, back home, uh, that would be a big deal.
Oh, of course.
I'm sorry.
It's pretty standard first date stuff here.
So, this is a date? Would you like it to be? I would.
I would, too.
Here you go, gentlemen.
I hope I wasn't too noisy in the kitchen.
I was doing the dishes.
You're not going to the drag races.
I just need you to know, I'm being harder on myself than you are.
Which is why I assigned myself these chores.
I don't care if you paint the house.
You're not going.
I hear you.
And I'm not gonna push.
But I am going to make you an offer.
Let me go, and I'll be grounded for the next two no, three weekends.
Which means I'll miss Emily's sleepover, because actions have consequences.
Nope.
Grounded for the next three weekends, no drag race T-shirts or churros.
Forget it.
You know, the thing that breaks my heart is that Grampy is suffering because of me.
Who knows how many drag races he has left? One day, God is gonna give him the checkered flag.
Oh, I'm going, Hazelnut.
I'm taking your mom.
HAZEL: What? That was cold.
[CHUCKLES.]
"Checkered flag.
" I'm telling you, Zubair, it was the greatest night of my life.
Tell me everything.
What did she smell like? Get this: jasmine.
Oh.
That's the best smell.
Hey, Zubair.
Oh, good, Lizzie.
Tell me the truth.
Did Awalmir really go on a date with a beautiful woman? He sure did.
I sure did.
Well, tell me more about her.
Okay, close your eyes.
Picture the most beautiful woman you have ever met.
Then double it.
Oh, you're so lucky.
I am seeing her again tomorrow night.
Okay, what you should do is, when you pick her up, release a hundred white doves from your trunk.
Not the skinny ones, the fluffy ones.
Okay, it's only a second date.
Don't go nuts.
Eh, don't listen to him.
He doesn't know anything about romance.
Scoreboard says otherwise.
You can be so icky.
You have to show her you are brave.
Pick the thorns from a thousand roses and walk on them barefoot as she watches you from her balcony.
- Hmm.
- Or take her to a movie.
I don't know.
I kind of want to see him do the thorn thing.
Okay, don't forget, you're dealing with an American girl.
Ariana has an Afghan soul.
She wants to know what is in my heart.
You should say that while she's picking the thorns out of your feet.
Oh, Zubair.
You and I are such a good team.
My favorite spot in Kabul is this small lookout on the top of Asamai mountain.
It is right in the middle of the city.
You can see all of Kabul from there.
That sounds beautiful.
Oh, look.
Hmm.
What is this? ARIANA: Well, looks like someone is having a picnic.
I wonder who.
"Ariana and Awalmir.
" That's our names.
Shall we? How did you do all of this? I am both romantic and organized.
Crème brûlée for the lady? Thank you.
This is my friend Shawn.
He works with me at the grocery store.
It's very sweet of him to do this.
He volunteered because he likes fire.
That's enough, Shawn.
If you folks need anything else, I'll be on the swings.
This is really lovely.
Not as lovely as you.
Hmm.
- And this is only the beginning.
- Hmm.
I will fill your every day with sweetness when we are married.
Married? That is what people do when they are in love.
We're not in love.
Okay, but the night is not over.
I know, in Afghan culture, relationships can move quickly, but this is way too fast for me.
Oh.
I get it.
This is new for the both of us.
I've actually never dated an Afghan guy before.
Can we just take it slow? Yes.
We can take it slow.
Okay.
Hey.
How'd it go? [GROANS.]
What happened? She said this was all too fast, and I didn't know her well enough to love her.
She's right.
What do I need to know? She's beautiful, she comes from a nice family.
That's it? That's all you know about her? She also loves crème brûlée.
Lizzie, she's my heart.
That is all I need to know.
What if there are things you find out that you don't love? What if she's mean? What if she's messy? What if she has a giant snake? Might not seem like a big deal, but then you're making out and it's just sitting there, like So what? Everyone is a package, filled with good and bad things, and when you marry someone, you take it all.
That is how I was raised.
Well, in America, we like to open the package first.
And we have a really easy return policy.
That's not how I think about love.
But it might be how Ariana thinks about it.
It's how I think about it.
I want someone to love me because they know me.
And I want the person I marry to be my best friend.
But if you marry first, then you have the rest of your life to become friends.
Okay, part of having a talk is also listening.
Ooh, I agree, you are not hearing anything I am saying.
[ENGINE REVVING.]
[TIRES SCREECH.]
- Ooh, excuse me.
- All right.
Thank you.
You buy, I fly.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
I got your favorite.
The cheapest one? The cheapest one.
- Eyes.
- Oh.
My dome thanks you.
[EXHALES.]
I'm glad we're doing this.
Yeah.
I miss you, kiddo.
I'd like to see you more, but, you know, I don't need a lot of haircuts.
I miss you, too.
So, how have you been? How are things going with Freddy? Yeah.
- They're good.
- Good.
Just good? Well, if you really want to know I do.
Things are great.
Freddy's really kind and supportive.
Ah, I'm glad.
You are? Yeah, I just want you to be happy.
Well, I appreciate that.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
[ENGINES REVVING.]
So, I guess the chances of you and Riley getting back - Art.
- All I'm sorry, sorry.
[ENGINE REVS.]
Oh, here we go.
I hope nobody's car explodes.
Yeah, so do I.
Oh.
But just in case.
[ENGINE REVS.]
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE.]
- Maybe next time.
- [LAUGHS.]
So, here's what I don't get.
You're smarter than most of those dummies.
So why'd you cheat? Whatever I say, you're just gonna say "no excuses.
" Try me.
I wanted a good grade without doing a lot of work.
You're doing a lot of work now, aren't you? I guess.
Marines don't lie, cheat or steal.
Remember that.
Yeah, I messed up.
Is it gonna happen again? No, sir.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
You know what would be a really tough punishment? If you and I made a ghillie suit out of these leaves.
What's a ghillie suit? It's the ultimate camouflage.
Boy, that would teach me a lesson.
So, I haven't met this Lois.
How's that going? Honestly, couldn't be better.
We each have our own house, our own space.
It's amazing how much time you want to spend with someone when you don't have to.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, I'm happy for you.
- Thanks.
- [ENGINE REVS.]
Ah.
Yes! - Oh - Hey, you know, something's been bugging me.
You never used to knock when you came over.
Now you do.
Well, you know why.
Riley lives in the garage, not the house.
It's my house.
It's also my garage.
So no more knocking.
Okay.
I mean, if you see Lois's car in the drive, don't come busting in, but And that answers my next question.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
LIZZIE: Whoa.
Looking sharp.
Ariana and I are going out.
But don't worry, I will take it slow.
Whatever that means.
It's not that bad.
Well, it feels bad.
I'm sorry.
I just don't know how to do this.
Are you asking for my advice? Yes.
Are you going to take my advice? Yes.
Okay.
What are the big ones? Don't say "I love you" until she says it to you.
But that could take days.
Or months.
Months.
Oh, my God.
I'm not gonna make it.
And don't keep telling her how pretty she is.
Oh, come on.
I am a painter and you are taking away all my colors.
Oh, there goes red, there goes orange.
Fine, you can compliment her once a date.
Once an hour.
Sure.
How about poetry? No poetry.
Hmm.
What if I already spent quite a bit of time writing her a poem? It would be a waste not to read it.
No poetry.
This is why it takes months.
No poetry for her, no poetry for you.
When I was a kid, I loved the Columbus Zoo.
I used to beg my dad to take me, and once a year he would.
But he'd never go in.
He'd just wait for me by the exit.
When I was older, I realized he couldn't afford both tickets.
The day I got my first paycheck, I took him to the zoo.
You are a good daughter.
Someday we will go to the zoo together.
I mean when you say so, and not a minute before.
[WATCH BEEPS.]
Also, you're beautiful.
Thanks.
You're not bad yourself.
Thanks.
- This is me.
- Mm.
Okay.
Uh.
We should have dinner again sometime.
What about next Saturday? Uh, I'm going to a concert on Saturday.
Oh, I love music.
Are they still selling tickets? Actually, I'm kind of going with someone.
Oh.
Is it a date? It's super casual.
[CHUCKLES.]
: It's nothing serious.
But it's a date.
Yeah.
Yeah, it is.
Okay.
Does it bother you that I'm seeing other people? Hmm? It's "people"? It bothers you.
No, no, no.
You're Ariana, you are an independent woman and-and this is only our third date, - so I should not be bothered.
- But you are.
I'm sorry, I am trying so hard.
I'm okay if you see other people.
I would never do that.
Why not? Ariana, when I look up right now and see the glowing moon surrounded by many stars, I can only admire the moon because it is the brightest light.
For me love is like that moon.
I can love one person, not a thousand.
You are not like anyone I know.
Which means I'm special.
Remember that.
Good night.
When is your girlfriend coming back? Little old for that.
Can we not say "girlfriend"? Fine.
"Love-making partner"? Just 'cause you're out here doesn't mean we have to talk.
You miss her? It's okay, Dad.
You deserve to be happy.
Fine.
I miss her.
I knew it.
You know after your mom passed away, I never thought that - [YELLS.]
- [SCREAMS.]
How come you weren't scared? I made you 15 minutes ago.
How? Piles of leaves don't fart.
You have to get up pretty early in the morning to get one over on - [YELLS.]
- [SHOUTS.]
You son of How long have you been there? Two hours.
You didn't make it any easier.